Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2006 12:24:15 -0400
From: Sequoyah <sequoyahs-place@charter.net>
Subject: Mountain Magic Chapters 37 and 38

Mountain Magic by Sequoyah

NOTE: This story was completed about two years ago. While I got several
letters about its abrupt ending, it was only recently that one made me go
back and look at the Nifty posting. For whatever reason, chapters 37 and 38
were never posted--probably because I thought I had posted them and had
not. So for those who have not found the story elsewhere, here are MM 37
and 38.

Warning!

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either
are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously and
any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments,
events or locales is entirely coincidental and/or used fictionally.

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Chapter Thirty-seven

As soon as we were inside, Luke picked up a stout stick I hadn't noticed
before and struck the side of the lodge. When he did, Tim closed the flap
and we were left in complete darkness, a darkness like I had never known
except for the time we spent in the cave during Jonathan's
rescue. Silence... the silence was eerie.

After we had been sitting in silence for a while, Luke struck the side of
the lodge again. When he did, Tim opened the flap and Granddad brought in
four glowing, red-hot rocks, one at a time. When he brought in the first
rock, he paused in front of Luke who said, "Hau kola--Hello, friend" as he
tapped the rock lightly with his stick.

I could feel the heat from the stone as Granddad placed it in the stone
pit. He quickly made three more trips to bring in rocks. When he had placed
the last rock in the stone pit, he brought a bucket of water and a gourd
dipper and sat them beside Matt. When he left, Tim once again closed the
flap. This time we were not in complete darkness as the red-hot stones cast
a glow throughout the lodge.

As I stared at the glowing stones, Luke again reminded us that if anyone
became frightened or fearful during the sweat, to try to summon courage to
stay, but if they could not, simply to say, "I need to leave," and the
ceremony would be stopped, the lodge opened.

"The first endurance is the black endurance, the endurance of the west,"
Luke continued. "The west is the home of spirit beings. Some day, if we
have lived a good life, we will join our ancestors and the other spirits in
the west. Now we call upon them for aid."

Matt said, "Water is the life blood of our planet. Drops of water with a
long history from many places are met in the water we bring to this sacred
place. May we be made whole as our sweat joins with the water from the
earth."

When he finished, he poured a dipper of water over the red-hot rocks,
raising clouds of steam. After a short pause, Matt poured three more
dippers of water over the stones. As the steam rose, Luke started blowing
an eagle wing whistle as Matt sounded a small hand drum.

I stared at the stones and as I did, they seemed alive as shadows moved and
whirled over their surface. As I watched the stones, the sound of the drum
and whistle seemed to recede into the distance until I was barely conscious
of them. I was called back when Luke began chanting a prayer in English.

"Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit, Grandfather, hear us--we who are gathered here
in this sacred place upon Mother Earth's bosom.

We call upon the four powers
We call upon the four directions
We call upon the four Spirits.

We call upon Father Sky who watches over us.
We call upon Mother Earth who nurtures us.
We call upon White Buffalo Calf Woman to guide us.
We call upon our ancestors to help us.

Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit, Grandfather, hear us.

We beseech you, for all our relatives--our two-legged relatives, our
four-legged relatives, for our winged relatives, our finned relatives.

Ho. Hetch etu aloh."

When he had finished, the whistle and drum were sounded again and after a
short time, Matt said, "Let us introduce ourselves to the Spirits.
Grandfather, Wakan Tanka, Spirits of West, I am Silver Wolf and I cry to
you for Jonathan and for my brothers and sister here in this sacred
place. Give us a good sweat. Send my spirit guide to aid me. Ho. Hetch etu
aloh."

As soon as Matt finished, Wes said, "I am Wadaduga, Dragonfly, your Tsalagi
son. I cry for my brother Jonathan and for my brothers and sister on Mother
Earth's bosom. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."

One after another, the introductions were made around the circle until it
was Luke's time. "Spirits, it is Fire Thunderbird. I join my plea to those
of my brothers and sister for all and especially for our well-loved brother
Jonathan. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."

The drum and whistle were sounded for a few minutes, then there was
silence.


TOM

This business of the sweat lodge and all the talk about spirits seemed
spooky to me. It was like I was witnessing something out of a movie. It
didn't seem real. I had agreed to go along with it and participate as fully
as I could because of Jonathan. Poor kid, he had told me his story and
asked me to be a part of the sweat. He had had a very rough time of it and
if a sweat was going to benefit him, I was ready and willing to do what I
could to make it happen.

It wasn't that I thought it was foolishness--well, maybe a little bit--but
just that I had never been very much into spiritual things.

Anyway, last weekend I had helped build the sweat lodge and had decided
that whether or not the sweat accomplished anything, it was great to be
with the group of friends I was getting to know pretty well.

I had always heard that the best way to cement friendship is to work
together. When I got home following the afternoon building the sweat lodge,
I told Mom and Dad that certainly it seemed to be true. "In a way, I feel I
have known that bunch for a long, long time. I mean I really liked them all
and have enjoyed spending time with them, but now I feel like we are old
friends. Yeah, like we have known each other for ages."

Then, when we arrived at the lodge Sunday afternoon, it seemed as if we had
been there just a short time before, not a week ago. I enjoyed being with
everyone again and found I was getting into the mood for a sweat as Matt
and Luke talked about it, even if I still wasn't sure what it was.

Something else made it all feel right. It was obvious Matt and Luke were
very much in love. Their playfulness reminded me of some good times with
Derrick, my late lover. I found myself remembering those good
times. Something else surprised me about that. I thought I had pretty much
gotten over Derrick's death, as much as I suspected I ever would, but being
with Matt and Luke, I felt the wound afresh. I tried not to let my pain be
known. After all, this sweat was for Jonathan's benefit.

Then I was really surprised at my reaction to greeting the sun. Had anyone
told me about it, I think I would have dismissed it as a bit of spiritual
nonsense, but it wasn't. I stood in the chilly morning air, arms uplifted,
greeting a new day and being thankful for it but also, as the sun rose
above the mountain tops, I felt a sharp dagger of longing for my lost lover
pierce my heart. Mixed feelings? Mixed emotions? You bet!

Before the first endurance began, we were all sitting in the darkness--and
I do mean darkness. I felt the presence of my new--no, no longer new--my
good friends with me. I don't mean I just felt them present in the lodge
with me, but PRESENT with me. I had a feeling of waiting, of anticipating,
of expecting something--what it was I hadn't the foggiest idea, but they
were a part of it. I was sure of that.

Mr. McElrath brought in four glowing, red-hot stones one at a time and the
first endurance began. Luke did a long prayer--a chant--and then we all
introduced ourselves to the spirits. I must admit I did feel a bit foolish
talking to spirits as though they were real. When we had finished the
introductions, we were told to ask for spirits to assist us but, since we
didn't do it out loud, I didn't mentally say anything. As I said, I
certainly didn't believe in any such thing as spirits.

Since I didn't, you can imagine my surprise when, while Matt and Luke
sounded a whistle and drum, I heard a voice behind me, "So you don't
believe in spirits, huh? Turn around, dumbass, I'm here!" A laugh,
Derrick's laugh, Derrick's voice!!

When I turned around, I saw that the side of the sweat lodge was open and
Derrick was standing just outside. "Come on! We don't have all day," he
laughed again.

I got up, stepped out of the sweat lodge and into our bamboo-sheltered
place on the river--and it seemed a perfectly natural thing to do. I
grabbed Derrick in my arms, but he wasn't really there. I mean he was, but
he was not solid. "What did you expect, Tom? I'm a spirit and I'm here to
get your head straight."

We sat in the warm spring sun and talked. Mostly, I guess I
listened. Derrick told me exactly what had happened. It was as I had
suspected, knew: his stepfather had shoved him against the railing and he
had fallen.

I felt the anger and hatred I had felt for the man returning, and was ready
to speak when, as he had done often before, Derrick placed his finger
against my lips and said, "Don't speak in anger, Tom." He told me he had
struggled with his anger. "We had a whole beautiful life ahead of us and a
man who was too small for our world destroyed it. I hated him for that, I
hated him for causing you pain and sorrow, but then I realized he was still
controlling me. He had a grip on me through my anger and, gradually, I have
let it go."

I am still here, tied here, because you have not let me go; well, and
because I have not been ready to go. But now, Tom, you have started a new
life. You have new friends, a new school. Life moves on for you. You must
turn loose. You must, Tom, for both our sakes. You have a long, full life
to live before you join the spirit world, but only if you let the past be
the past. Remember our love, but know that it is in the past and will never
return."

We talked a long while, then Derrick said, "I saw you when you came into
the hospital room to tell me goodbye. I was standing right behind you, but
neither of us was ready for me to make myself known to you. Now it's time
for both of us to move on. Remember me, Tom, but let me go. There will be
another love for you. Love him without bounds as he will you, and as you
deserve." With those words, he kissed me--it was like the barest brush of a
spring breeze--on the forehead and was gone.

As Derrick vanished, I heard Luke tap the side of the sweat lodge and Tim
opened the flap. The cool, refreshing air rushed in, and was most welcome!!

While Tim held the flap open, Matt said, "How easy it is to forget what is
important. We breath without thinking, yet it is the air we breath that
keeps us alive. Therefore, as we breath the cool and refreshing air now,
remember to be thankful for each breath of our life. One day we will all
draw our last breath. It is no more and no less important than our first or
any between, but it is the breath that divides this world from the world of
the spirits."

I thought to myself, as I felt the cool air, "And sometimes the two worlds
come together and give new life, life as refreshing as the air I so welcome
now."


DOUGLAS

Luke tapped the lodge and Granddad brought in two rocks, each glowing red,
and placed them in the pit with those which were no longer glowing--but
definitely still hot! When Granddad left, Tim closed the flap.

"We begin the white endurance, the second endurance, the endurance of the
north. Be reminded of the great white giant, the face of winter, which puts
Mother Earth to sleep--white, the color of strength, of cleanliness and
honesty," Luke said. "Each of us in our own way, along our own path, needs
courage and each of us has shown courage. Think of those in the lodge with
you and the times their courage has been called up. Think of the times you
have had to have courage. While Mother Earth endures the frigid breath of
winter, she is gathering strength for the new life to come, so endure."

Matt started pouring water over the rocks and great billows of steam arose,
much more than before. As the sweat lodge began to fill with steam, Matt
still poured water over the hot rocks.

Luke said, "Endurance, cleanliness, strength, purity, these are the marks
of the second endurance. These keep us knowing, being and doing right.
These keep our life, our purpose, focused on the right path. These enable
us to live among our friends--two-legged and four-legged--in harmony."


"May our word be truth,
May our actions be for the good,
May our relationships be honest."


"As we give up some of our waters," Matt said, "in this endurance, may the
mingling of our waters with the waters of the earth make us pure." Matt
then passed out sprigs of sage, "Sage helps drive away bad spirits. Chew on
it or not, as you wish."


CODY

I didn't know what I was getting into when I agreed to join Jonathan in a
sweat lodge. I mean I didn't know what it was all about and Jonathan wasn't
a lot of help! I didn't know what part--if any--I would be playing or what
it had to do with me. That sort of not knowing.

When the sweat started, I thought it was pretty cool--guess that's not the
right word for a sweat lodge!! Anyway, I thought it was good to be included
in some kind of adventure and the sweat certainly looked like it would be
one.

The first endurance was kinda spooky, but fun. The chanting, drum and
whistle were cool. I had never seen red-hot rocks before and when they were
brought in, I just stared at them--I mean the way you stare at clouds, you
know, seeing things in the shape of the clouds, only in the sweat lodge it
was kinda like figures moving all over the rocks.

After the drum and whistle had been played for a few minutes, water was
poured over the rocks and there was steam all over the place. When the flap
was opened and the cool air let in, I was really glad. I was ready for some
cool air.

Then, before I knew it, the second endurance--that's what Matt and Luke
called it--began. They are medicine men and are a gay couple. I thought it
was strange that there'd be gay medicine men. Then, about the time the
second endurance started, I realized Hank and I were the only two straight
men in the lodge and outside, only Mr. McElrath was straight!

We had been told we'd be given sage which was supposed to help us drive
away bad spirits. Matt said we could chew on it or not. It was up to us. I
started chewing on the sage because, while I wouldn't have called them bad
spirits, there were things I hoped I could drive away. As I chewed, things
changed! BANG! Just like that, they really changed!

Matt and Luke talked about honesty and being strong and clean--inside
clean, I mean. They talked about keeping our actions honest, our words true
and our relationships honest. I guess I was kinda not paying attention when
it hit--like a brick upside the head.

I don't know what IT was, but suddenly the whole past year was playing out
in front of me. The best way to describe it is to say that as I stared at
the hot rocks, it was like I could see in them a movie--no, a play with
real people.

It started in Sammy's room back when I was living with my mom in
Raleigh. The two of us were sitting facing each other, him between my legs
and we were jerking each other off. We started doing that before we could
really cum, and did that pretty often. From the beginning, we told each
other we were not gay, but it didn't matter to me. I loved playing with
Sammy and having him play with Lil' Cody. That day after we shot, I leaned
over and pulled his face to mine and kissed him on the lips.

I don't know what I expected him to do. That's not true. I do know. I
expected him to kiss me back. Instead, he leaned away from me and yelled,
"You cock-sucking faggot, get away from me," as he hit me in the face. That
wasn't enough I guess because he spit on me as he stood up and shouted some
more. I was so shocked I didn't move.

Sammy had shouted so loud his mother burst into the room and saw me sitting
there. Sammy was pulling his pants up when she arrived. When he saw his
mother, he shouted, "Mama, Cody is a cock-sucking faggot. He tried to suck
my cock." Now I had done no such thing. I mean I had thought about it, but
that was all. Sammy's mother told me to get out of their house and never
come back. She actually shoved me out the front door pantsless and tossed
my boxers and pants after me.

I grabbed my clothes, yanked them on and ran home, hot tears running down
my face. "Sammy SPIT on me," I kept saying over and over to myself.

When I got home, Sammy's mother had called Ma and told her all sorts of
things, most of which were not true. She had me painted as someone who had
tried to rip the clothes off her darling, pure-as-snow son and have sex
with him. I kinda wanted to laugh because Sammy has showed me how to jerk
off and was forever coming up with new ways to do it. He was the one that
stole lotion from his mom for us to use. That kind of thing.

Now Ma was generally mad about something, anything, all the time, but when
she could blame me for something--guilty or not--I was the scapegoat. I
guess it started when she blamed me for my father leaving. I don't remember
him at all because he left when I was about two.

I was born with a whole bunch of problems and spent most of my first two
years in and out of the hospital, being taken from this specialist to that
one. My old man just wanted me gone and Ma back taking care of him. Well, I
took up most of Ma's time and strength and most of the household
money. Besides, I guess I cried a lot. Well, I'm sure I did. Anyway, my old
man finally had enough and left. Ma said one night when she couldn't get me
quiet and asleep, he said, "God damn it, I've had it, it's me or that
squalling brat."

She told me that over and over ever since I could remember, and it didn't
help any when she started adding, "I think I made the wrong choice."

The highest praise Ma could give me was, "Thank God, it looks like you may
turn out normal after all." See, Ma told me that's what my old man said all
the time. "Why'd you have to have THAT instead of a normal kid?" She never
told me why I was not "normal" and when I came to western North Carolina, I
asked my auntie and she said I had problems when I was born and it had
taken time to get them straightened out. A heart defect was the last to be
repaired and the scar I had across my chest says it wasn't minor. "But now
you're perfectly normal." I could have told her I was determined to stay
normal, but I didn't.

Anyway, after ranting and raving for an hour or more, Ma finally said, "I
thought you were finally normal and you turn out to be a pervert, a god
damn fairy. Guess they didn't repair that defect."

Well, Ma got louder and uglier at home, making my life there miserable, and
while that was bad enough, school was worse. I had always done well in
school and had friends there and the teachers liked me. School was a refuge
from home. It had been, but when I went to school the day after Sammy and I
had been caught, he had spread tales, lies, telling all who would
listen--and most did!--I had tried to suck his cock and get him to butt
fuck me. I don't have to tell you what that meant!

School became pure hell. For the first time since kindergarten, home, bad
as it was, was better than school. I developed all sorts of excuses for not
going to school and some of them became pretty real. I couldn't eat without
throwing up. I couldn't get to homeroom before I threw up. Lunch? Forget
it. When I did go to school, I crawled into a shell. Didn't matter, I
didn't have any friends left anyway. At least no-one beat the shit out of
me. After a bunch of assholes last year beat unconscious a kid who they
called a faggot, it was made very clear that "you throw you go," and that
wasn't home! The police came and hauled you away in cuffs.

When I was home, I locked myself in my room, refusing to come out for hours
at a time.

Yet, all the time I thought I was working hard at being normal. I would NOT
be gay. I would NOT be a faggot. I would NOT be a pervert.

Finally, when the school sent a truant officer around and he threatened Ma
with jail unless I stayed in school, she had had enough. She called my
uncle and when he said he'd take me, she told me, "He's a hillbilly with a
house full of kids, so one more won't matter. I told him you were having
problems here and needed to get away. I didn't tell him you are a
cock-sucking faggot and you better not let him find out!" I didn't bother
telling her I had never sucked a cock. What did she care? She was getting
rid of me.

So the day after school let out for Christmas holidays, I was on a bus from
Raleigh headed for Clarksville in the Carolina mountains. Hillbilly
country. Land of the Rednecks. Hicksville.

My cousin Ken met me at Clarksville and I ended up in Coldsprings--kinda,
it was all country to me. I would be living with my Uncle and Auntie Nash
who only had three other kids. When I arrived, they fussed over me like I
was the greatest thing since sliced bread, welcoming me like a gift from
heaven. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. Ken took me shopping for
Christmas presents--Uncle Nash had given me twenty dollars to spend! At
mom's we never did anything about Christmas after I started school. Anyway,
it might be hillbilly country, but I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

Then, wouldn't you know it, Christmas Eve when Ken and I went to the church
to help decorate, I met a beautiful guy, Jonathan. He had been kicked out
by his family and almost died. Then he had been taken in by a family who
thought he was great. We became good friends and one day I asked if he had
ever jerked off with another guy and before I knew it, we were doing
it. Then, Ma called.

She wanted to know if I was keeping my secret and warned me that if anyone
found out I was a faggot, I was on my own. She painted a pretty rotten
picture of what that would look like, so much so that I started putting the
brakes on Jonathan's and my relationship.

But it was a constant battle. Add to that the fact that Jonathan was gay
and all his friends knew it. One day we were jerking off each other and he
kissed me. We kissed sometimes when we were playing with each other. I
liked it, but kept telling him I wasn't queer. Then he kissed me and tried
to stick his tongue into my mouth and I shoved him away. He was pretty
upset and confused. Small wonder.

Anyway, you get the picture. Now here I was involved in a sweat in which
honesty and courage were being talked about, and I was a lying coward. Who
was I fooling?

Then it occurred to me that Hank and Mr. McElrath were the only two
straight men involved in this whole undertaking and none of the others had
anything to be ashamed of. Now I know this is going to sound very weird and
strange but, so help me, this is what happened. When that thought struck,
the top of the sweat lodge suddenly opened up and a wonderful cooling rain
poured down on me.

Then, I was outside myself. At least that's the only way I know to describe
it. I saw myself sitting in the lodge as the rain poured over me. It poured
over my body, washing darkness from me. A blackness ran off my body and
soaked into the ground. Then, suddenly, I was standing on the ledge
overlooking the valley, welcoming the sun. It didn't seem strange at all
that I was both standing there as I had done earlier AND looking at myself
standing there--tall, strong, brave. I was, of course, wearing only the
breech cloth and I did like what I saw because I saw me as I really could
be, as someone who loved Jonathan with his whole heart and who Jonathan
could love. I looked at myself and shouted, "Yes!!! Yes, a new, honest Cody
welcomes a new day!"

I guess I didn't really shout because suddenly I was back in the lodge and
no-one I could see in the glow of the rocks was looking at me. I still had
the sage in my mouth and I guess very little time had passed because I had
barely chewed it. But there certainly had been some bad spirits driven
away!

I wanted to stand and shout, "Jonathan, Cody loves you!" but I didn't.

The steam was not as great as it had been, but that soon changed when Matt
poured a dipper of water over the stones. As the steam arose, he and Luke
took bird's wing fans and waved the steam about us as Luke chanted over and
over, "Give us strength and courage to be honest and pure."

Another dipper of water was poured over the stones and we all sat in
silence. In silence, but inside I was shouting over and over again, "I am
honest and courageous and I love Jonathan Henderson! I do, I do, I do!"

After all the prayers and so on, we were all silent for a while. Finally
Luke rapped on the side of the lodge and Tim opened the flap. As soon as it
was opened, the cool air rushed in and I was glad. Luke asked, "How are
y'all doing?" Everyone answered pretty enthusiastically and I'm sure
everyone was surprised when I shouted, "Cody's just great!"


DOUGLAS

As soon as Tim opened the flap, Luke asked how we were doing and Cody
shouted at the top of his lungs, "Cody's just great!" I wondered what was
going on with him. "A new Cody mystery," I thought.

Matt handed Granddad the bucket and he brought it back filled with fresh
water. Matt poured a dipper of water over his head, as he said something in
Lakota then in English, "Water for my relatives." He refilled the dipper
and passed it to Wes as he said, "Refresh yourself if you like." The dipper
was passed around the circle and as each one emptied it over his or her
head, it was passed, always clockwise, back to Matt who refilled it. I
could not believe how good the cool water felt as I poured a dipper over my
head.

By the time Luke had poured water over his head, the water bucket was
empty. Granddad refilled it then he brought several red-hot stones and
added them to the stones in the pit which were no longer hot--well, I bet
they were pretty warm but not really hot, hot.

The flap was again closed.

"Look into the stones and see what they are saying to you," Luke said when
the flap was closed.



As soon as we were inside, Luke picked up a stout stick I hadn't noticed
before and struck the side of the lodge. When he did, Tim closed the flap
and we were left in complete darkness, a darkness like I had never known
except for the time we spent in the cave during Jonathan's
rescue. Silence... the silence was eerie.

After we had been sitting in silence for a while, Luke struck the side of
the lodge again. When he did, Tim opened the flap and Granddad brought in
four glowing, red-hot rocks, one at a time. When he brought in the first
rock, he paused in front of Luke who said, "Hau kola--Hello, friend" as he
tapped the rock lightly with his stick.

I could feel the heat from the stone as Granddad placed it in the stone
pit. He quickly made three more trips to bring in rocks. When he had placed
the last rock in the stone pit, he brought a bucket of water and a gourd
dipper and sat them beside Matt. When he left, Tim once again closed the
flap. This time we were not in complete darkness as the red-hot stones cast
a glow throughout the lodge.

As I stared at the glowing stones, Luke again reminded us that if anyone
became frightened or fearful during the sweat, to try to summon courage to
stay, but if they could not, simply to say, "I need to leave," and the
ceremony would be stopped, the lodge opened.

"The first endurance is the black endurance, the endurance of the west,"
Luke continued. "The west is the home of spirit beings. Some day, if we
have lived a good life, we will join our ancestors and the other spirits in
the west. Now we call upon them for aid."

Matt said, "Water is the life blood of our planet. Drops of water with a
long history from many places are met in the water we bring to this sacred
place. May we be made whole as our sweat joins with the water from the
earth."

When he finished, he poured a dipper of water over the red-hot rocks,
raising clouds of steam. After a short pause, Matt poured three more
dippers of water over the stones. As the steam rose, Luke started blowing
an eagle wing whistle as Matt sounded a small hand drum.

I stared at the stones and as I did, they seemed alive as shadows moved and
whirled over their surface. As I watched the stones, the sound of the drum
and whistle seemed to recede into the distance until I was barely conscious
of them. I was called back when Luke began chanting a prayer in English.

"Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit, Grandfather, hear us--we who are gathered here
in this sacred place upon Mother Earth's bosom.

We call upon the four powers
We call upon the four directions
We call upon the four Spirits.

We call upon Father Sky who watches over us.
We call upon Mother Earth who nurtures us.
We call upon White Buffalo Calf Woman to guide us.
We call upon our ancestors to help us.

Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit, Grandfather, hear us.

We beseech you, for all our relatives--our two-legged relatives, our
four-legged relatives, for our winged relatives, our finned relatives.

Ho. Hetch etu aloh."

When he had finished, the whistle and drum were sounded again and after a
short time, Matt said, "Let us introduce ourselves to the Spirits.
Grandfather, Wakan Tanka, Spirits of West, I am Silver Wolf and I cry to
you for Jonathan and for my brothers and sister here in this sacred
place. Give us a good sweat. Send my spirit guide to aid me. Ho. Hetch etu
aloh."

As soon as Matt finished, Wes said, "I am Wadaduga, Dragonfly, your Tsalagi
son. I cry for my brother Jonathan and for my brothers and sister on Mother
Earth's bosom. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."

One after another, the introductions were made around the circle until it
was Luke's time. "Spirits, it is Fire Thunderbird. I join my plea to those
of my brothers and sister for all and especially for our well-loved brother
Jonathan. Ho. Hetch etu aloh."

The drum and whistle were sounded for a few minutes, then there was
silence.


TOM

This business of the sweat lodge and all the talk about spirits seemed
spooky to me. It was like I was witnessing something out of a movie. It
didn't seem real. I had agreed to go along with it and participate as fully
as I could because of Jonathan. Poor kid, he had told me his story and
asked me to be a part of the sweat. He had had a very rough time of it and
if a sweat was going to benefit him, I was ready and willing to do what I
could to make it happen.

It wasn't that I thought it was foolishness--well, maybe a little bit--but
just that I had never been very much into spiritual things.

Anyway, last weekend I had helped build the sweat lodge and had decided
that whether or not the sweat accomplished anything, it was great to be
with the group of friends I was getting to know pretty well.

I had always heard that the best way to cement friendship is to work
together. When I got home following the afternoon building the sweat lodge,
I told Mom and Dad that certainly it seemed to be true. "In a way, I feel I
have known that bunch for a long, long time. I mean I really liked them all
and have enjoyed spending time with them, but now I feel like we are old
friends. Yeah, like we have known each other for ages."

Then, when we arrived at the lodge Sunday afternoon, it seemed as if we had
been there just a short time before, not a week ago. I enjoyed being with
everyone again and found I was getting into the mood for a sweat as Matt
and Luke talked about it, even if I still wasn't sure what it was.

Something else made it all feel right. It was obvious Matt and Luke were
very much in love. Their playfulness reminded me of some good times with
Derrick, my late lover. I found myself remembering those good
times. Something else surprised me about that. I thought I had pretty much
gotten over Derrick's death, as much as I suspected I ever would, but being
with Matt and Luke, I felt the wound afresh. I tried not to let my pain be
known. After all, this sweat was for Jonathan's benefit.

Then I was really surprised at my reaction to greeting the sun. Had anyone
told me about it, I think I would have dismissed it as a bit of spiritual
nonsense, but it wasn't. I stood in the chilly morning air, arms uplifted,
greeting a new day and being thankful for it but also, as the sun rose
above the mountain tops, I felt a sharp dagger of longing for my lost lover
pierce my heart. Mixed feelings? Mixed emotions? You bet!

Before the first endurance began, we were all sitting in the darkness--and
I do mean darkness. I felt the presence of my new--no, no longer new--my
good friends with me. I don't mean I just felt them present in the lodge
with me, but PRESENT with me. I had a feeling of waiting, of anticipating,
of expecting something--what it was I hadn't the foggiest idea, but they
were a part of it. I was sure of that.

Mr. McElrath brought in four glowing, red-hot stones one at a time and the
first endurance began. Luke did a long prayer--a chant--and then we all
introduced ourselves to the spirits. I must admit I did feel a bit foolish
talking to spirits as though they were real. When we had finished the
introductions, we were told to ask for spirits to assist us but, since we
didn't do it out loud, I didn't mentally say anything. As I said, I
certainly didn't believe in any such thing as spirits.

Since I didn't, you can imagine my surprise when, while Matt and Luke
sounded a whistle and drum, I heard a voice behind me, "So you don't
believe in spirits, huh? Turn around, dumbass, I'm here!" A laugh,
Derrick's laugh, Derrick's voice!!

When I turned around, I saw that the side of the sweat lodge was open and
Derrick was standing just outside. "Come on! We don't have all day," he
laughed again.

I got up, stepped out of the sweat lodge and into our bamboo-sheltered
place on the river--and it seemed a perfectly natural thing to do. I
grabbed Derrick in my arms, but he wasn't really there. I mean he was, but
he was not solid. "What did you expect, Tom? I'm a spirit and I'm here to
get your head straight."

We sat in the warm spring sun and talked. Mostly, I guess I
listened. Derrick told me exactly what had happened. It was as I had
suspected, knew: his stepfather had shoved him against the railing and he
had fallen.

I felt the anger and hatred I had felt for the man returning, and was ready
to speak when, as he had done often before, Derrick placed his finger
against my lips and said, "Don't speak in anger, Tom." He told me he had
struggled with his anger. "We had a whole beautiful life ahead of us and a
man who was too small for our world destroyed it. I hated him for that, I
hated him for causing you pain and sorrow, but then I realized he was still
controlling me. He had a grip on me through my anger and, gradually, I have
let it go."

I am still here, tied here, because you have not let me go; well, and
because I have not been ready to go. But now, Tom, you have started a new
life. You have new friends, a new school. Life moves on for you. You must
turn loose. You must, Tom, for both our sakes. You have a long, full life
to live before you join the spirit world, but only if you let the past be
the past. Remember our love, but know that it is in the past and will never
return."

We talked a long while, then Derrick said, "I saw you when you came into
the hospital room to tell me goodbye. I was standing right behind you, but
neither of us was ready for me to make myself known to you. Now it's time
for both of us to move on. Remember me, Tom, but let me go. There will be
another love for you. Love him without bounds as he will you, and as you
deserve." With those words, he kissed me--it was like the barest brush of a
spring breeze--on the forehead and was gone.

As Derrick vanished, I heard Luke tap the side of the sweat lodge and Tim
opened the flap. The cool, refreshing air rushed in, and was most welcome!!

While Tim held the flap open, Matt said, "How easy it is to forget what is
important. We breath without thinking, yet it is the air we breath that
keeps us alive. Therefore, as we breath the cool and refreshing air now,
remember to be thankful for each breath of our life. One day we will all
draw our last breath. It is no more and no less important than our first or
any between, but it is the breath that divides this world from the world of
the spirits."

I thought to myself, as I felt the cool air, "And sometimes the two worlds
come together and give new life, life as refreshing as the air I so welcome
now."


DOUGLAS

Luke tapped the lodge and Granddad brought in two rocks, each glowing red,
and placed them in the pit with those which were no longer glowing--but
definitely still hot! When Granddad left, Tim closed the flap.

"We begin the white endurance, the second endurance, the endurance of the
north. Be reminded of the great white giant, the face of winter, which puts
Mother Earth to sleep--white, the color of strength, of cleanliness and
honesty," Luke said. "Each of us in our own way, along our own path, needs
courage and each of us has shown courage. Think of those in the lodge with
you and the times their courage has been called up. Think of the times you
have had to have courage. While Mother Earth endures the frigid breath of
winter, she is gathering strength for the new life to come, so endure."

Matt started pouring water over the rocks and great billows of steam arose,
much more than before. As the sweat lodge began to fill with steam, Matt
still poured water over the hot rocks.

Luke said, "Endurance, cleanliness, strength, purity, these are the marks
of the second endurance. These keep us knowing, being and doing
right. These keep our life, our purpose, focused on the right path. These
enable us to live among our friends--two-legged and four-legged--in
harmony."

"May our word be truth, May our actions be for the good, May our
relationships be honest."

"As we give up some of our waters," Matt said, "in this endurance, may the
mingling of our waters with the waters of the earth make us pure." Matt
then passed out sprigs of sage, "Sage helps drive away bad spirits. Chew on
it or not, as you wish."


CODY

I didn't know what I was getting into when I agreed to join Jonathan in a
sweat lodge. I mean I didn't know what it was all about and Jonathan wasn't
a lot of help! I didn't know what part--if any--I would be playing or what
it had to do with me. That sort of not knowing.

When the sweat started, I thought it was pretty cool--guess that's not the
right word for a sweat lodge!! Anyway, I thought it was good to be included
in some kind of adventure and the sweat certainly looked like it would be
one.

The first endurance was kinda spooky, but fun. The chanting, drum and
whistle were cool. I had never seen red-hot rocks before and when they were
brought in, I just stared at them--I mean the way you stare at clouds, you
know, seeing things in the shape of the clouds, only in the sweat lodge it
was kinda like figures moving all over the rocks.

After the drum and whistle had been played for a few minutes, water was
poured over the rocks and there was steam all over the place. When the flap
was opened and the cool air let in, I was really glad. I was ready for some
cool air.

Then, before I knew it, the second endurance--that's what Matt and Luke
called it--began. They are medicine men and are a gay couple. I thought it
was strange that there'd be gay medicine men. Then, about the time the
second endurance started, I realized Hank and I were the only two straight
men in the lodge and outside, only Mr. McElrath was straight!

We had been told we'd be given sage which was supposed to help us drive
away bad spirits. Matt said we could chew on it or not. It was up to us. I
started chewing on the sage because, while I wouldn't have called them bad
spirits, there were things I hoped I could drive away. As I chewed, things
changed! BANG! Just like that, they really changed!

Matt and Luke talked about honesty and being strong and clean--inside
clean, I mean. They talked about keeping our actions honest, our words true
and our relationships honest. I guess I was kinda not paying attention when
it hit--like a brick upside the head.

I don't know what IT was, but suddenly the whole past year was playing out
in front of me. The best way to describe it is to say that as I stared at
the hot rocks, it was like I could see in them a movie--no, a play with
real people.

It started in Sammy's room back when I was living with my mom in
Raleigh. The two of us were sitting facing each other, him between my legs
and we were jerking each other off. We started doing that before we could
really cum, and did that pretty often. From the beginning, we told each
other we were not gay, but it didn't matter to me. I loved playing with
Sammy and having him play with Lil' Cody. That day after we shot, I leaned
over and pulled his face to mine and kissed him on the lips.

I don't know what I expected him to do. That's not true. I do know. I
expected him to kiss me back. Instead, he leaned away from me and yelled,
"You cock-sucking faggot, get away from me," as he hit me in the face. That
wasn't enough I guess because he spit on me as he stood up and shouted some
more. I was so shocked I didn't move.

Sammy had shouted so loud his mother burst into the room and saw me sitting
there. Sammy was pulling his pants up when she arrived. When he saw his
mother, he shouted, "Mama, Cody is a cock-sucking faggot. He tried to suck
my cock." Now I had done no such thing. I mean I had thought about it, but
that was all. Sammy's mother told me to get out of their house and never
come back. She actually shoved me out the front door pantsless and tossed
my boxers and pants after me.

I grabbed my clothes, yanked them on and ran home, hot tears running down
my face. "Sammy SPIT on me," I kept saying over and over to myself.

When I got home, Sammy's mother had called Ma and told her all sorts of
things, most of which were not true. She had me painted as someone who had
tried to rip the clothes off her darling, pure-as-snow son and have sex
with him. I kinda wanted to laugh because Sammy has showed me how to jerk
off and was forever coming up with new ways to do it. He was the one that
stole lotion from his mom for us to use. That kind of thing.

Now Ma was generally mad about something, anything, all the time, but when
she could blame me for something--guilty or not--I was the scapegoat. I
guess it started when she blamed me for my father leaving. I don't remember
him at all because he left when I was about two.

I was born with a whole bunch of problems and spent most of my first two
years in and out of the hospital, being taken from this specialist to that
one. My old man just wanted me gone and Ma back taking care of him. Well, I
took up most of Ma's time and strength and most of the household
money. Besides, I guess I cried a lot. Well, I'm sure I did. Anyway, my old
man finally had enough and left. Ma said one night when she couldn't get me
quiet and asleep, he said, "God damn it, I've had it, it's me or that
squalling brat."

She told me that over and over ever since I could remember, and it didn't
help any when she started adding, "I think I made the wrong choice."

The highest praise Ma could give me was, "Thank God, it looks like you may
turn out normal after all." See, Ma told me that's what my old man said all
the time. "Why'd you have to have THAT instead of a normal kid?" She never
told me why I was not "normal" and when I came to western North Carolina, I
asked my auntie and she said I had problems when I was born and it had
taken time to get them straightened out. A heart defect was the last to be
repaired and the scar I had across my chest says it wasn't minor. "But now
you're perfectly normal." I could have told her I was determined to stay
normal, but I didn't.

Anyway, after ranting and raving for an hour or more, Ma finally said, "I
thought you were finally normal and you turn out to be a pervert, a god
damn fairy. Guess they didn't repair that defect."

Well, Ma got louder and uglier at home, making my life there miserable, and
while that was bad enough, school was worse. I had always done well in
school and had friends there and the teachers liked me. School was a refuge
from home. It had been, but when I went to school the day after Sammy and I
had been caught, he had spread tales, lies, telling all who would
listen--and most did!--I had tried to suck his cock and get him to butt
fuck me. I don't have to tell you what that meant!

School became pure hell. For the first time since kindergarten, home, bad
as it was, was better than school. I developed all sorts of excuses for not
going to school and some of them became pretty real. I couldn't eat without
throwing up. I couldn't get to homeroom before I threw up. Lunch? Forget
it. When I did go to school, I crawled into a shell. Didn't matter, I
didn't have any friends left anyway. At least no-one beat the shit out of
me. After a bunch of assholes last year beat unconscious a kid who they
called a faggot, it was made very clear that "you throw you go," and that
wasn't home! The police came and hauled you away in cuffs.

When I was home, I locked myself in my room, refusing to come out for hours
at a time.

Yet, all the time I thought I was working hard at being normal. I would NOT
be gay. I would NOT be a faggot. I would NOT be a pervert.

Finally, when the school sent a truant officer around and he threatened Ma
with jail unless I stayed in school, she had had enough. She called my
uncle and when he said he'd take me, she told me, "He's a hillbilly with a
house full of kids, so one more won't matter. I told him you were having
problems here and needed to get away. I didn't tell him you are a
cock-sucking faggot and you better not let him find out!" I didn't bother
telling her I had never sucked a cock. What did she care? She was getting
rid of me.

So the day after school let out for Christmas holidays, I was on a bus from
Raleigh headed for Clarksville in the Carolina mountains. Hillbilly
country. Land of the Rednecks. Hicksville.

My cousin Ken met me at Clarksville and I ended up in Coldsprings--kinda,
it was all country to me. I would be living with my Uncle and Auntie Nash
who only had three other kids. When I arrived, they fussed over me like I
was the greatest thing since sliced bread, welcoming me like a gift from
heaven. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. Ken took me shopping for
Christmas presents--Uncle Nash had given me twenty dollars to spend! At
mom's we never did anything about Christmas after I started school. Anyway,
it might be hillbilly country, but I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

Then, wouldn't you know it, Christmas Eve when Ken and I went to the church
to help decorate, I met a beautiful guy, Jonathan. He had been kicked out
by his family and almost died. Then he had been taken in by a family who
thought he was great. We became good friends and one day I asked if he had
ever jerked off with another guy and before I knew it, we were doing
it. Then, Ma called.

She wanted to know if I was keeping my secret and warned me that if anyone
found out I was a faggot, I was on my own. She painted a pretty rotten
picture of what that would look like, so much so that I started putting the
brakes on Jonathan's and my relationship.

But it was a constant battle. Add to that the fact that Jonathan was gay
and all his friends knew it. One day we were jerking off each other and he
kissed me. We kissed sometimes when we were playing with each other. I
liked it, but kept telling him I wasn't queer. Then he kissed me and tried
to stick his tongue into my mouth and I shoved him away. He was pretty
upset and confused. Small wonder.

Anyway, you get the picture. Now here I was involved in a sweat in which
honesty and courage were being talked about, and I was a lying coward. Who
was I fooling?

Then it occurred to me that Hank and Mr. McElrath were the only two
straight men involved in this whole undertaking and none of the others had
anything to be ashamed of. Now I know this is going to sound very weird and
strange but, so help me, this is what happened. When that thought struck,
the top of the sweat lodge suddenly opened up and a wonderful cooling rain
poured down on me.

Then, I was outside myself. At least that's the only way I know to describe
it. I saw myself sitting in the lodge as the rain poured over me. It poured
over my body, washing darkness from me. A blackness ran off my body and
soaked into the ground. Then, suddenly, I was standing on the ledge
overlooking the valley, welcoming the sun. It didn't seem strange at all
that I was both standing there as I had done earlier AND looking at myself
standing there--tall, strong, brave. I was, of course, wearing only the
breech cloth and I did like what I saw because I saw me as I really could
be, as someone who loved Jonathan with his whole heart and who Jonathan
could love. I looked at myself and shouted, "Yes!!! Yes, a new, honest Cody
welcomes a new day!"

I guess I didn't really shout because suddenly I was back in the lodge and
no-one I could see in the glow of the rocks was looking at me. I still had
the sage in my mouth and I guess very little time had passed because I had
barely chewed it. But there certainly had been some bad spirits driven
away!

I wanted to stand and shout, "Jonathan, Cody loves you!" but I didn't.

The steam was not as great as it had been, but that soon changed when Matt
poured a dipper of water over the stones. As the steam arose, he and Luke
took bird's wing fans and waved the steam about us as Luke chanted over and
over, "Give us strength and courage to be honest and pure."

Another dipper of water was poured over the stones and we all sat in
silence. In silence, but inside I was shouting over and over again, "I am
honest and courageous and I love Jonathan Henderson! I do, I do, I do!"

After all the prayers and so on, we were all silent for a while. Finally
Luke rapped on the side of the lodge and Tim opened the flap. As soon as it
was opened, the cool air rushed in and I was glad. Luke asked, "How are
y'all doing?" Everyone answered pretty enthusiastically and I'm sure
everyone was surprised when I shouted, "Cody's just great!"


DOUGLAS

As soon as Tim opened the flap, Luke asked how we were doing and Cody
shouted at the top of his lungs, "Cody's just great!" I wondered what was
going on with him. "A new Cody mystery," I thought.

Matt handed Granddad the bucket and he brought it back filled with fresh
water. Matt poured a dipper of water over his head, as he said something in
Lakota then in English, "Water for my relatives." He refilled the dipper
and passed it to Wes as he said, "Refresh yourself if you like." The dipper
was passed around the circle and as each one emptied it over his or her
head, it was passed, always clockwise, back to Matt who refilled it. I
could not believe how good the cool water felt as I poured a dipper over my
head.

By the time Luke had poured water over his head, the water bucket was
empty. Granddad refilled it then he brought several red-hot stones and
added them to the stones in the pit which were no longer hot--well, I bet
they were pretty warm but not really hot, hot.

The flap was again closed.

"Look into the stones and see what they are saying to you," Luke said when
the flap was closed.



Chapter Thirty-eight


Granddad had placed several glowing rocks in the stone pit and, when the
flap was closed, they cast a glow throughout the lodge. Sure enough, they
were making a sound as they began cooling, and patterns like a dark liquid
flowing over them covered their surface. As I watched, I saw a black swirl
form, like a miniature tornado, and move across the rocks. As it swirled
and moved, there was a sound, not like that of a tornado but like an
orchestra tuning up. No, it was like a crowd of musicians each playing what
he or she pleased, using different scales. It got inside my head. The only
way I could think to describe what seemed to be happening was chaos and
pandemonium. As I looked and listened, I had a keen sense the rocks were
trying to tell me something, something very important, something about
discord in my life, but what?

Suddenly, voices were added to the music but, even though I strained as
hard as I could, I could make out nothing beyond the noise. Then it all
stopped and the stones just looked like hot stones. Weird and beyond
me. Then Luke started speaking again.

"We are beginning the third endurance, the red endurance, the endurance of
the east. The east is the home of the morning star, the place of
beginnings, the place of awakening. Through becoming awakened to knowledge
and wisdom, we are made new and can renew our world. The Buddha sat under
the bo tree until he became the awakened one. Seek, in this endurance, an
awakening to knowledge and wisdom, sit waiting. Seek to be awakened."

Luke paused, then Wes started blowing the whistle as Matt sounded the
drum. Then, after a few minutes of silence, Matt started pouring water over
the stones as Luke spoke, "Brothers and sister, I bid each of you to pray:
pray for what you desire in this life. Pray for your relatives and those
you love. Pray for Jonathan."

He paused and Matt took up the bidding. "Pray for the world, for wise
leaders to bring peace to the planet. Pray for religious leaders who truly
act out of a knowledge of the kinship of all. Pray for Mother Earth, that
she might be healed. Pray for all things."

"End your prayer with 'Hetch etu. Aloh,' so your brother or sister next to
you may begin his or her prayer," Luke said.

Matt began a prayer:


"Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit,

I thank you for bringing me to this sweat.

May it mend the medicine wheel where it is broken in our lives. I thank you
for giving me the love of Fire Thunderbird and for the love he accepts from
me. I pray for our torn world and separated peoples. I thank you, Wakan
Tanka for this ceremony and all my brothers and sister whose water joins
with mine and with Mother Earth. I pray for my brother Jonathan.

Hetch Etu. Aloh."

Wes followed Matt and his prayer was very similar except he had more to say
about Jonathan, "Grandfather, I pray especially for my brother Jonathan.
Show him his goodness. Shown him he has a place in the circle of life. Show
him he is a warrior."

I wished I could see Jonathan's face to see, maybe, what he was thinking.

Anyway, it was my time to pray. I prayed for me and Jason. I prayed for all
inside the lodge and then prayed for Granddad and Grandmom, "Grandfather,
you are the pattern for all grandfathers and I am thankful for mine. Mother
Earth, you are the nurturing mother and I am thankful for my nurturing
grandmother. I pray for my brother Dragonfly that he may find someone to
share his life as Jason shares mine. Hetch Etu. Aloh."

Jason's prayer was similar and then it was Jonathan's time.

JONATHAN

I was listening to the prayers, mainly I guess, to get some idea of what to
say. Matt had thanked the Great Spirit for Luke and Douglas and Jason both
thanked the Great Spirit for each other. I liked that and kinda giggled to
myself thinking about what some of the uptight religious people would have
to say about that"two gay men thanking God for their lovers. Then I
realized it was my time to speak.

"Great Spirit...." was all I got out before I was suddenly picked up by a
wind"I mean sucked right out of the sweat lodge. It was strange because I
wasn't afraid. I thought "I tried to do away with myself and failed, now
I'm being carried away." I was sure I was dying, but it was beautiful.

I was sailing over the mountains and I suddenly realized I was no longer
Jonathan"well, I was"but an eagle. I opened my mouth to shout for joy and
what came out was the cry of an eagle! I had heard that only once before in
my life and it is a fearful thing. You can just hear the power of an eagle
in his cry. So I cried again.

I dived and soared, climbed and dived again. My laughter of joy was an
eagle's cry. Suddenly I realized I was not flying alone. Beside me was a
HUGE eagle two, three times my size. We soared through the sky together,
screaming. Then we were just gliding high above the mountains below. There
was a tingling in my head, then a voice.

"Little Eagle, look below. See how high you are, soaring. This is your
place on the great medicine wheel. You are always to soar high to see
far. You are not to be held to the ground and tied to little things. You
are to soar above to protect, to keep. You are a warrior. You are no longer
Little Eagle...."

"But I wasn't Little Eagle," I said. Well, not said, since we weren't
actually talking, but I knew we were communicating.

"You were born Little Eagle, you just weren't told. But Little Eagle you
are no more. You are now a warrior and offer blood for those you
love. Wounded Eagle, you are marked!!" The eagle dived at me and his talons
struck my chest. Feathers flew! And then I was back in the lodge, my chest
hurting as I said, Hetch Etu. Aloh.

DOUGLAS

I didn't know what was going on with Jonathan. He started his prayer then
suddenly, he was screaming. Not making a human sound, but something I could
almost identify. At first it sounded strange, but it was definitely happy,
joyful. Then there was a very loud scream and he said in a perfectly
natural voice "Hetch Etu. Aloh." Strange.

While I was trying to figure all that out, Cody had started his prayer. I
remembered he had some question about what to say and had been assured he'd
know what to say. I was still surprised when he started very confidently.

"Great Spirit, I'm not very good at this.
That's a lot of things I'm not very good at,
so I pray that I'll get better.
I want to get better at being Cody, the real Cody.
I want Jonathan to get good at being Jonathan.
I want us to be better at being Cody and Jonathan.
I'd like peace in the world and all that.
But I want peace at Coldsprings especially.
I'm thankful for Auntie and Uncle Nash for loving me.
I want them to still love me when they know who I really am.
I guess that's all.
Hetch Etu. Aloh."

How was that for saying a lot and still being a mystery? Cody was a master
at that.

Stone and Hank offered their prayers without any surprises then it was
Beth's turn.

"Mother Earth, I, too am woman," she began.

BETH

I had been sitting in the sweat lodge with a crowd of men. It struck me as
funny that I had never been safer from any male getting out of hand and I
smiled. In the last year, I had spent a lot of time with gay men and Hank,
the token straight, I guess. I had learned a lot about men"and much of it
from my gay friends. I did know that the way Hank and I loved each other
physically, in part, may have"may have?? did have!!--some different
physical expressions than, say, Douglas and Jason, but their love was just
as deep as ours.

Anyway, here I was in the middle of the woods in a sweat lodge with a bunch
of men. And it felt exactly right. So I prayed:

"Mother Earth, I too, am woman.
I know the pain and the pleasure of being woman.
I pray that as I mingle water with yours and mingle
blood with yours, you will make me a strong woman,
a nurturing woman, a compassionate woman.
I pray for your child Jonathan that he come to know
the wonderful man and strong warrior he is. Increase the love we in this
sacred place have for each other. 
I offer thanks for all that is.
Hetch Etu. Aloh."

When I ended my prayer, I looked up and standing above the stone pit was
the most beautiful Indian maiden I had ever seen. She was dressed in white
buckskin, decorated with turquoise beads. She wore a band about her head,
decorated with porcupine quills (how did I know that??) and was carrying an
eagle's wing fan. She smiled at me, used the wing to fan the steam rising
from the stone pit over me. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that
she was White Buffalo Calf Woman. She reached out and touched my head and
in a single leap, leapt over the stone pit, over my head and vanished. I
don't know what happened to me, but then I heard Tom praying.

DOUGLAS

Tom's prayer was all thanksgivings except to ask that Jonathan might be
healed as he had been healed. It was short and to the point.

When Wesley started his prayer I thought, "Being at the end of the line is
good because you get to see how it's done and it's bad because it's all
been done." Wesley started pretty much as everyone else, then he stopped
and was silent for awhile. Then he just said "Hetch Etu. Aloh." Strange.

WESLEY

I was pretty sure there were some strange things going on in the lodge. I
could feel it. I couldn't have said what or how, I just sensed it.

When I started my prayer, I was suddenly back in Charlotte, sitting in the
library with my parents.

"Mother, Father, I didn't know why I headed for Douglas's when I had to get
away from St. Paul's, but I do now. I needed to learn what counted. What
counted with people, what counted with friendship, what loving and being
loved was all about. I had to learn what it is to be respected, accepted,
loved for who and what you are"not what your ancestors were, not how much
money you have. I didn't learn that

 here. It is a great pity our family didn't learn that long ago. I'm not
there yet, but I'm working on it."

Dwight taught me one thing. He taught me that fucking is not caring and
lust is not love. He taught me the hard way. Douglas and Jason have taught
me about love and caring and about being a loving gay man and loving a gay
man. I hope to live up to what they have taught me when I met someone to
love and to be loved by.

You're not going to like this, but I am staying in the family which took me
in and loved me. Charlotte holds nothing for me. One day I hope we can grow
to love each other. I pray we can, but that's not for now."

I finished my speech and Mary Capers applauded"but made no sound"and Mother
and Father nodded solemnly, but their nod was one of dismissal, not of
understanding.

Then I was standing on the ledge where we had welcomed the sun. I spread my
arms wide saw arching over the valley a great rainbow. Behind me the sun
was bright, but behind the rainbow were gray clouds, not angry, ugly
clouds, but gentle gray, soft clouds from which rain fell, watering the
earth. Tears of joy ran down my face as I felt, as never before, accepted
and loved. Then I knew I had a new name, Rain in the Face, and I laughed.

Suddenly, I heard Luke call out and I was back in the sweat lodge.


DOUGLAS

I had a sense the air in the sweat lodge had grown thick and not just from
the steam. My mind was drifting and then I heard Luke call out, "Mitakuye
oyasin," calling for water. Tim opened the flap and once again, Granddad
handed in a water bucket of fresh water and the dipper was passed around
the circle for us to pour water over our heads. It was most welcome!

I'm sure none of us was really ready to have the flap closed when Luke
cried out, "Yupayo"Close the door!" and Tim closed the flap.

"The fourth and final endurance is the endurance of the south, the yellow
endurance, the endurance of healing. From the east comes knowledge and from
knowledge comes growth, the gift of the south. From growth comes
healing. Let us center ourselves upon healing"healing in the broadest
sense," Luke said.

Matt poured four dippers of water over the rocks which were still hot
enough to change the water into great billows of steam. As the lodge
filled, Matt started sounding the drum slowly, softly.

Luke continued, "As I chant, center yourself in the Great Spirit and pray
for healing."

Luke chanted:

Great Spirit,
I pray for myself that I may be healed, made whole.
Great Spirit,
I pray for my brother Jonathan that he may be healed and made whole.
Great Spirit,
I pray for all my brothers and sister in this sacred space, may they be
healed and made whole. 
Great Spirit,
I pray for for all our brothers and sisters on this good earth, may they be
healed and made whole. 
Great Spirit,
I pray for nations who are alienated one from the other, may they be healed
and made whole. 

Luke fell silent and we sat in silence for awhile as the steam gradually
dissipated. Then Stone said, "If you will, clasp hands. When we had done so
he said, you may repeat after me, line by line:

The light of the Great Spirit surrounds us.
The light of the Great Spirit surrounds us.
The love of Wakan Tanka enfolds us.
The love of Wakan Tanka enfolds us.
The power of the Creator protects us.
The power of the Creator protects us.
The presence of God watches over us.
The presence of God watches over us.
Wherever I am, The Great Spirit is!
Wherever I am, The Great Spirit is!*

When Stone finished, Luke struck the lodge with his stick, Tim opened the
flap and handed Matt the pipe. Still sitting in the semi-darkness, Matt
performed the pipe ceremony with the pipe filled before the sweat began.
After lighting the pipe, he drew smoke into his mouth and blew it out, then
handed the pipe Wes. When Luke finished with the pipe, he placed it on a
stand, nodded and Matt stood lead us from the lodge.

When Luke emerged from the lodge, he grabbed Matt's hand and the two raced
for the basin. Eleven bodies were right behind him as we all threw
ourselves in to the cold mountain water.

The cold water was wonderful and refreshing, but it was cold! Even as hot
as the lodge had been, none of us could not stand up to the icy water long
and we were all out of the river in minutes. We got dressed in dry clothes
and, one by one, gathered around the fire pit, getting warm.

As I walked to the fire pit, I was suddenly aware of a wonderful smell, the
smell of food!! Granddad and Tim had arranged cast iron pots in the fire
pit and were using long hooks to take them out. There was two large Dutch
ovens filled with fluffy biscuits and a very large pot of stew. The two
also pulled sweet potatoes and corn in the husk from the fire. A bountiful
feast indeed and we were ready for it!

Without thinking, I'm sure, we had arranged ourselves around the fire pit
as with had been in the lodge except Tim and Granddad were now a part of
the circle. We all ate in silence for awhile"breaking our fast, I
suspect"when Cody asked, "Luke, is it all right to ask questions and talk
about the sweat lodge and all?"

"Sure," Luke responded, "but remember, you may ask, but no one has to
respond. Fair enough?"

"Sure," Cody said. The young man was sitting very close to Jonathan and
they were holding hands. "See, I don't really understand HOW it happened,
but I sure know what happened to me in there." Cody then told us his
experience during the sweat.

When he finished, he turned to Jonathan and said, "So, Hoss, you know why I
have treated you like shit and you know I love you with all my heart!" With
those words, he reached up and placed his hands on each side of Jonathan's
face, gazed in his eyes for half a minute and then planted a kiss on
Jonathan in which, I am sure, Jonathan, "got some tongue like Hank." As the
kiss when on, we all started applauded and both young men, without breaking
the kiss, stuck a pumped a fist into the air.

When they finally came up for air, Jonathan said, "I don't know how it
happened, Cody, but I like it! Something happened to me too," with those
words, he opened his shirt and on his chest were four marks, three between
his nipples and a single one immediately below them.

As soon as he saw them, Matt looked at Luke and both nodded. "I have seen
that happen once before," Matt said. "Our brother Michael has much deeper
marks, like he had been pierced. You spirit guide is an eagle,
Jonathan. Right?"

Jonathan just nodded.

"What is your new name?" Luke asked. His tone indicated he had no doubt at
all that Jonathan had a new name.

"Wounded Eagle. He said I had been Little Eagle, but I didn't know
it. Anyway, he gave me my new name, Wounded Eagle."

We all were amazed to say the least and Matt and Luke talked about how some
people get further into the spirit world than others during a sweat. "I'd
say you've been there and back," Matt laughed.

Tom said "Derrick's spirit appeared to me, except it was like he was really
there"almost. Anyway, I was able, finally, to let Derrick's spirit go. I
certainly didn't come here expecting to get into this spirit world stuff,"
he grinned, "so it kinda caught me off guard"a whole lot off guard. I'm
glad. I think I'll be able to move on now and I really haven't been
before."

Wesley said, "Tom, you told us you had a lover who died"was murdered"that's
all. I mean, I don't want to pry...."

"No, no, I think it would be good and right that you who have taken me in
know the whole story. See...." Tom then told us about his falling in love
with Derrick and how quickly their love developed. He also told us about
Derrick's death. As he talked, I wondered if I could ever get over Jason's
death should be be taken from me. I didn't think so, but I guess deep down
I couldn't imagine it happening.**

The three certainly had an experience in the sweat lodge much different
from mine and I guess everyone else's. We talked some more about our
experiences and I suddenly realized Beth had been very, very quiet.

"I don't want to force anyone's hand," Luke said, "but I had the distinct
feeling there was a visit from White Buffalo Calf Woman during this sweat."

We all fell silent, looking at each other when Beth finally spoke. "I guess
I didn't want to talk about it because it might seem like bragging. But,
yes, I did see White Buffalo Calf Woman." She then told us about her
"vision, dream, whatever."

When she finished, Matt said, "Women are the true warriors. They shed blood
on behalf of the people each month. Maybe some of us will become fathers
one way or another in the future, but it's a pretty painless process for
us."

"Speaking for Mr. McElrath and myself, I'd say it's all pleasure and no
pain," Hank said.

"You are right, my boy," Granddad chuckled, "but not really. You aren't a
father"yet. The pain comes later and when you least expect it. There is no
pain, I think, like the death of a child."

We all were very still and quiet and in that quietness, I realized I had
heard Granddad say very little about Dad's death. He had suffered silently.

After a few minutes, Matt said, "Each month a woman sheds blood and
experiences pain to one degree or another. Then, when she gives birth she
sheds more blood and endures greater pain bringing a new life into the
world. She suffers to bring the people new life through her pain. For that
reason, Lakota men have a woman select and make the first cut of the Sun
Dance Tree where they will shed blood and endure pain on behalf of the
people. So Beth was the presence of woman and White Buffalo Calf Woman for
us and she was honored for her offering by a visit by the spirit of woman,
White Buffalo Calf. I give you a new name, Beth. You are White
Buffalo. Hank, you are to honor this woman."

Tom laughed and said, "And you might better be careful about wicked and
evil thoughts!" We all joined in the laughter as Hank turned redder and
redder.

Wesley

 told us he had chosen his family and hoped one day to be reconciled to his
biological one, "but so far as I am concerned, I am a McElrath. Also, I
didn't realize it at the time, but when I said Charlotte held nothing for
me, that included Dwight and the anger I had held for him. Guess I am now a
free man and it feels good."

We could have sat there talking for hours I supposed, but finally Luke
said, "Gang, a sweat is a very powerful thing and I am sure there will be
others for some or all of you, but right now, I'm exhausted. I see by the
sun it's about 5:00." He laughed as he added, "Better get moving 'cause
it'll be milking time soon."

I realized I had been renewed by the sweat, but was also very tired as we
quickly gathered up what we needed to take with us and headed for home. Wes
said we could come back and take care of getting everything back in place
later.

As we walked away from the sweat, couples were holding hands, talking
together quietly. When I looked back over my shoulder, Cody and Jonathan
had stopped and were engaged in yet another passionate kiss. Jason, who had
turned to look as well, said, "I guess the mystery is solved."

Yeah, I answered and kissed my own mystery.


************************
Thus Mountain Magic ends
************************

*There is no way I can improve upon this wonderful prayer by Ed Mcgaa,
Eagle Man, which is in his book "Mother Earth Spirituality".

**The story of Tom and Derrick is found in MOON WATCHING, found at
awesomedude.com and at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SequoyahsPlace/ and
http://sequoyahsplace.com.