Date: Tue, 03 Sep 2002 18:39:35 +0000
From: David Logann <davidlogann432@msn.com>
Subject: My Awakening - 03

MY AWAKENING
Chapter 3
(t/t Highschool True)

by David Logann
davidlogann432@msn.com

Here is chapter 3! Hope you enjoy it!

The regular restrictions apply - if you are under the legal age in your
area, you should not be reading this! If you offended by homosexuality you
shouldn't be reading this either! If this is what you are looking for - sit
back and enjoy!

Dave

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Three

"We cannot always assure the future of our friends; we have a better chance
of assuring our future if we remember who our friends are."
                                  -Henry Kissinger 1923
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     I stared back into those blue eyes of Jared's, and that unbelievable
feeling once again invaded my stomach. The afternoon sun was illuminating
my room with an almost heavenly glow. It was completely silent except for
the sound of the breeze wafting its way through the open window and some
corny game music playing from the TV. I just kept staring back at that
angelic face with the sweet smile; the breeze pushed his strawberry-blonde
locks down in front of his eyes in a vain attempt to hide the ocean
blueness from me.

     I froze, momentarily unsure of what to do. I wanted to turn away and
stop looking but my heart denied me. It told me to lean forward and place
my lips on his. No: it wasn't telling me...it was demanding that I did, but
my mind was screaming also. All my rational thoughts were yelling at me not
to; they wanted me to turn my head and get back into the game.

     What if he was just smiling at me because he found a friend? He's had
a rough time through his life - not many friends and he was tormented
constantly.  Jared was just happy he's found a friend; that's why he's
looking at me right?  What if he's testing me, seeing what I would do? He
must have his suspicions about me from my behavior and actions throughout
the day.

     The thought of rejection started to weaken Jared's hold over my eyes.
What if he wasn't gay? Then I'd be found out, and my normal life as I knew
it would be over; the entire school would reject me, maybe even hurt me. My
mother and sister, too - they'd probably leave me, disown me from the
family.  Dustin, Kerri, and all my other friends would never speak to me
again. Then I'd be truly alone, and running for my life.

     But then again, what if? What if he was looking at me the same way I
was looking at him? What if there was a chance that I couldn't - wouldn't -
be alone anymore? Was I gonna just let him slip away and miss my chance for
happiness? I didn't want to be alone anymore; I just wanted to be loved.

     The moment unfroze. For the first time in my entire life, my heart won
the battle over my mind. I decided to fight all the insurmountable odds
against me and declare to someone who I really was. I gathered all my
courage. I was hesitant at first but I blanked my mind and let my heart
lead me. I slowly, very slowly, began to lean towards Jared. I lined my
lips up with his and prepared myself.

     My head moved towards his slightly, not even three inches, when a loud
and rude noise ripped my eyes away from his and at the TV screen. I had
lost the game; the stupid pills had hit the top of the screen and now the
little virus' were laughing at me. I quickly looked back at Jared to return
to the moment I was in just seconds ago but he was looking at the screen.

     He started laughing, "Hey, I won - and I've never even played this
game before!" He dropped the controller and casually pushed the hair out of
his eyes.  But he didn't look back at me. "You wanna play another round?"

     I was still looking at him, "Yeah sure, lucky first time I guess." I
tried to hide the disappointment from my voice. I was so close...

     I saw him look at me from the corner of his eyes. "Guess so, huh?" he
said witha grin. Those damn eyes tormented my insides again.

     I reset the game and started over. My mind, like so many times before,
was laughing at me. I was so stupid! I had almost risked everything for
nothing. I had almost kissed him! For chrissakes, I knew better. He was
just looking for a friend, and I had mistaken that for some fantasy
attraction I imagined that he had.  I was glad the goddamned game had
stopped me before I continued. What would he have done if I had kissed him?
He probably would've punched me, ran away, and told the whole school the
next day. Then I would be totally destroyed.

     I was sure he knew what I was thinking a few moments ago. I mean, I
was staring at him again. He must've noticed me moving closer to him, too;
a total idiot would've realized that. That's why he wasn't looking at me
now - he was afraid of me.

     I held back the tears; no reason to make matters worse. Tomorrow, he'd
probably drop me in science class and find a new partner; then he'd never
speak to me again. I cursed myself. My mind knew that this would happen, so
why did I ignore it? This would be my punishment for who and what I
was. But I'd never again make this mistake.

     I felt a tear fall down my cheek. Shit! I wiped it away quickly,
hoping he wouldn't notice. Nope - he never looked at me once. I forced
myself to get into the game and stop thinking about it.

     Twenty minutes passed with us playing the game. Jared never looked
over at me again. I didn't look at him either. Then I heard the front door
open, and a 'Hello' hollered from downstairs. I realized it was just my
mother coming home.

     "Up here, mom!" I yelled down at her, so she would know I was home. I
heard her moving around in the kitchen, then she began her walk up the
stairs. I just continued playing for a few seconds when a sick realization
came over me: I had been in a fight! I had a bruise on my face and my lip
was cut. She was gonna freak! I didn't need her to do that in front of
Jared.

     I paused the game and Jared looked up at me questioningly - the first
time he looked at me since I tried to kiss him. I grabbed a pillow off the
floor, folded it, and slipped it under my face. I was lying on my stomach
so I pressed my face into the pillow so it hid the lower part of my
face. The bruise under my eye was on the opposite side of my face. It was
away from the door, so if I didn't look at her, I'd be safe. I un-paused
the game just as the door opened.

     "Hello Kyle, how was your," she stopped suddenly, I raced with fear.
Did I miss something? Was there a mark somewhere else?

     "Kyle, who is your new friend?" she asked.

     I calmed down. Jesus, I gotta stop panicking over nothing.

     My eyes never left the screen, "Oh, ma - this is Jared." I had to talk
louder so she could hear me through the pillow.

     "Nice to meet you, Jared." I saw him look up at her and nod.

     "Do you boys want anything to eat?"

     "No ma, we ate already. We're just gonna play for a little bit." I
hoped she would get the point that I didn't want her around.

     "Ok, if you guys get hungry I will be down stairs."

     I removed the pillow once I heard her disappear down the hall, and
sighed a breath of relief. The hysteria had been avoided for the time
being. We played one more game, which I won. I wasn't distracted this time.

     "Another?" I was unsure of what else we could do in my room. We could
play games or watch movies. I didn't wanna go out because of my wounds; I
didn't want the world to see tonight. That I would deal with later.

     "Nah, he said with a yawn. "I'm played out." He sat up in the bed.

     I stood up and got off the bed stretching, "So what do you wanna do
then?" I turned my back to him, what happened earlier was still hurting.

     "I dunno," he was quiet for a second. "Maybe we should decide on a
project for science. We never really did, y'know."

     I stood silently; he still wanted to be my partner. I was confused. I
was sure he'd ditch me the first chance he got. Was he really that
desperate for a friend?

     "Sure," I said casually, letting my hand slip through my hair. "I
guess we need one." I turned around now to face him, which was one of the
harder things I'd ever had to do. I looked down at him expecting some sort
of judgment to be outlined on his face. I couldn't tell, though; he was
looking into his lap with his forehead propped in his open hand.

     "I don't even know where to start with this dumb ol' project." He
sighed.

     I decided to sit. I took a seat on the floor where I stood. The
thought of sitting beside him made me feel uncomfortable. "Neither do I."

     For the next fifteen minutes, we sat and quietly tried to come up
ideas for our science project. I felt very awkward the entire time. He
never looked at me once, just stared into his lap. There were numerous
pauses in our conversations.  During these uncomfortable silences, I tried
desperately to look like I was thinking about something for our assignment,
but I just kept thinking about what had happened.

     I heard the door behind me open.

     "Hey, Kyle!"

     It was Dustin's voice. A smile shot to my face and all my worries
instantly disappeared. I stood up and turned to face him.

     "I brought Street Fighter 2 to play and." His smiling face disappeared
as I finished turning. The game he was holding in front of him slipped from
his grasp and hit the floor with a clatter. He just stood there staring at
me. Now what? He couldn't possibly have known what I'd almost done
earlier. My own reassurances didn't remove the nervousness from my voice.

     "Dustin! What's up with the look?"

     "WHAT IN THE HELL?" He started yelling, I took a step back. Dustin
very rarely yelled at me for anything, no matter how pissed off he was at
me.

     "W-what?" My voice was cracking; I was gonna start blubbering again.

     "WHAT IN THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?" He pointed his finger at my
face. Oh shit, I thought. I had totally forgotten about the bruises.
Dustin was the last person in the world that should find out about what had
happened.

     "I, umm. I sorta got into a fight." I wasn't gonna lie now.

     "What do you mean, got into a fight? With who? Why?" His voice was a
little quieter, but it was still extremely sharp.

     "Well, Jared here was about to get the shit beat out of him, so I
sorta stepped in."

     "What do you mean 'sorta stepped in?'" he snapped. "Meaning you let
them beat the shit out of you instead?"

     Now I was getting pissed. Why in the fuck does he think I'm so weak
and pathetic?

     "NO, GOD DAMNIT!" I yelled back. A pang of guilt hit me again. I
didn't want to yell and Dustin was taken aback by it. His facial
expressions softened a little from angry to a little shocked, and I took a
deep breath.

     "No, I found him after school. They were gonna beat him up, so I
stopped them. There - end of story." Short, sweet, and simple. Now, I hoped
he'd drop it.

     "Them?" he said, incredulously. "Did you say them? As in more than one
person? What the fuck... Who the fuck did this?"

     I knew he wouldn't drop it, but I realized if I didn't tell him, he'd
just find out from somebody else. "Lance, Greg, and Mark," I said quietly,
then sighed.

     He exploded. Rage hit his voice more than I'd ever heard before, and
it let loose from his throat.

     "WHAT!" Dustin's face had gone deep red with fury. "THEY ARE SO
FUCKIN' DEAD!" He trembled as the shouts came flying out. "I AM GONNA FIND
THEM TOMMOROW AND."

     "...AND YOU'LL DO NOTHING!" I shouted back at him finishing his
sentence. He stopped and looked at me, but this time the rage did not leave
his face. He opened his mouth to continue yelling again but I cut him off
again.

     "NOTHING, DUSTIN! DON'T DO ANYTHING!" I was angry again, and all of it
came pouring out. I had lost control. I took a step forward.  "I am not the
fucking weakling you seem to think I am! I chose to do what I did, and now
I'm suffering the consequences! So what? It's my fucking life!"

     Dustin looked at me shocked and hurt. I felt guilt overtaking my
anger.  I fell back on the floor, and closed my eyes. Waiting for some
response, I just sat there, with wetness forming under my eyelids. Out of
the silence Jared's voice, soft in comparison to the last few moments of
shouting, spoke out.

     "Uh...I think I should, um...be going now." I heard him hop off the
bed behind me and begin walking to the door.

     "I'll, uh...talk to you tomorrow, Kyle. and - thanks."

     The door open and shut, this time I knew for sure that he was gone.
When I finally opened my eyes and looked up there was only Dustin. He just
stared down at me biting his lip. I could tell by the look on his face that
he was still angry, but right about now, I didn't care.

     "So now what, huh? Gonna scream and yell some more?" I spat that out
with contempt.

     The wrath was drained from Dustin's face. Now he suddenly looked lost
and wounded. "Look, man," he started, "I didn't."

     I cut him off again. "Didn't what? Didn't fucking THINK?" I slapped my
hands down onto the floor. "You didn't want to make me feel like a weakling
and a pussy? Didn't wanna completely embarrass me in front of Jared?" I
shook my head. "What, then - huh? 'Cause you totally succeeded on those
two."

     Dustin made no effort to continue, he just stood there, looking down
in embarrassment. I just raised my head to the ceiling and sneered
aloud. He looked back up at me as I lowered my head, which I just shook at
him in disappointment.

     He sucked in a loud breath. "Look, Kyle," he said quietly. "I'm like
totally sorry, okay?"

     "Yeah, you're fuckin' sorry, alright? But it doesn't matter anyways."
I knew I'd just stabbed him right in the heart with that comment. He said
he was sorry and I didn't care. But fuck him, anyway. I'd been sick of his
attitude for awhile now.

     "Why, Kyle?" His voice was flat and emotionless. I knew he was trying
to hold back from crying.

     "Why what?" I pretended to be ignorant.

     "Why doesn't it matter?"

     The look he gave me stopped me from another smart-ass answer. I
realized I wasn't really mad at him, anymore, but now I felt ashamed that
I'd hurt him. I wanted to say right then that I was sorry, but I couldn't
do it. If I did, then I'd probably start crying. I was better off just
keeping my mouth shut for a change.

     "Why.  why doesn't it matter if I'm sorry?" Dustin's voice was so soft
I could hardly hear it.

     I felt the hurt in his words, I was suddenly afraid that he would turn
and walk out of my room. I forced myself to speak, my voice shaking
slightly.

     "Cause you'll... you'll just do the same thing - again, and again."

     "What?" His voice rang out in surprise.

     "You do it all the time Dustin," I said, exasperated by his ignorance.

     "What? When have I ever?" He had regained his voice in a desperate
attempt to defend himself.

     I rolled my eyes. "Man, you do it all the fucking time!"

     "What? No way!"

     "Yes you do! Like two days when I told you at lunch Jason was bugging
me, you got all serious and shit, like he was your problem, not mine." He
stood silent.

     "And last week when Allan whacked me across the back of the head with
a book, you lost it. You do it all the time and I don't understand why. All
I know is that it makes me feel weak and pathetic - like i can't defend
myself...  y'know?"

     He moved closer to me and sat down on his knees in front of me. His
hand laid itself on my knee and ran the other through his hair.

     "I didn't know that I did that to you, man. I swear, I really am
sorry."

     I felt defeated at that moment and somewhat embarrassed. Dustin was
just looking after me that was all. He got a little paranoid and
over-protective at times, but I should be happy that someone cared for me
so much.

     I sighed and shook my head. "No, man - I'm the one who should be
sorry. Not you. I shouldn't have gotten angry over something this stupid."

     "Stupid? Why would that be stupid?" He withdrew his hand from my knee
and placed both of them on his thighs. "You don't like the way I was
treating you and just got mad, that's all. I'm the one who should be
sorry."

     "It's just - sometimes Dusty, but not all the time... sometimes I feel
angry, 'cause you do that kinda shit, because it makes me feel weak."

     "But I don't think that, Kyle." It sounded like he was on the verge of
tears.

     "I know, but..."

     His voice was hoarse. "It's just that. I couldn't help you when your
dad. did what he did to you." He dropped his gaze to the floor. "And I
never.  never wanted to let that shit happen to you again." He started
letting out little sobs. "I couldn't help you then. and I - and I feel so
bad about it."

     Shit. I was afraid he might bring this up. "C'mon, man," I said
soothingly, "there was nothing you could do."

     "Yes, there was!" His head snapped back up to look at mine, "I
could've done something! I could've gotten you outta there, or at least
told someone what was goin' on." He clutched his head in his hands as he
dropped back to the floor.  "But I didn't. I was too stupid - too fucking
na‹ve - and didn't know what to do. And you got hurt because of me."

     "C'mon, Dustin" I said, sitting beside him. He refused to look at me
now.  "You didn't hurt me - he did! It's not your."

     "Yes, it is my fault," he interrupted, the tears streaking down his
face. "I could've done something to stop him, but I didn't. And
I've. always felt that it. was my fault." He stopped talking, his tears
overtaking his ability to speak.

     I was dumbfounded. "Dustin," I began slowly, "why didn't you ever tell
me you felt this way?"

     "I dunno, but I didn't realize you were pissed off at me. It'll never
happen again - I promise."

     "No!" I protested. "Don't make that promise."

     "Why not? Do you think I'll just break it?" I felt the hurt in his
question.

     "No, I don't think that at all, man. It just made me feel bad before,
but now... thinking about - you know, what you just said. it just makes me
feel.  feel."

     He took his face out of his hands and looked up at me. "Makes you feel
what?" he asked.

     The setting sun from the window was streaming through the glass,
bathing us in its golden rays. The rest of the room was so dark it was as
if we where the only two people in the world. Little specks of dust danced
around us and amplified the beauty that glowed from Dustin. The tears that
had cut their path across his face caught the sunlight and were almost
glowing. His eyes looked so burdened by remorse and pain, his cheeks tinged
red from crying.

     "It makes me feel. like someone cares for me, I guess." I closed my
eyes, and the dreamlike scene in front of me disappeared, as I began to
fight for control of my own tears. Suddenly, I was overtaken by remorse,
and turned away from him and began sobbing.

     I felt Dustin's arm snake around my shoulder. He had moved over to me
while I was lost in my tears, and tenderly pulled my body against his. I
rested my head on his shoulder feeling the soft shirt covered flesh of his
arm pillow my cheek.

     I regained my control and pulled myself from his embrace. His eyes
were so soft and caring now; the greenish blue tinge seemed to be amplified
with the affection I felt pouring through them.

     "Thanks, Dusty," I murmured, as I wiped my eyes.

     He raised his eyebrows. "Thanks? For what?"

     "Thanks for being my friend - through everything. I'm not sure how
you've toughed it out with me so long, but... thanks."

     He grinned. "Kyle, you're my friend - always have been, and no matter
what, always will be. Never doubt that - kay?"

     "I know, Dustin - I know. I'm just sorry for all this, though."

     He shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, no worries. We all have our bad days,
right? We've both been having a shitty week. Let's just hope it's over."

     "Yeah."

     "But, man," his arm slipped off my shoulder and his clasped hand
replaced it. "I promise to try not to make you feel helpless anymore."

     "Aahhh, Dustin it's okay - I know you don't mean it. You're just
sticking up for me."

     "No, I'm gonna try - let's just leave it at that."

     "Okay, fair enough. I'm not gonna talk you out of this one, am I?"

     He stood up and put his hand out, offering to me. I grabbed it in mine
and he pulled me up to stand in front of him. "Not this time." He walked
over to where he dropped the game and bent over to scoop it up.

     "So, we gonna play or what?" I felt back to normal now, the day's
worries evaporating with every moment that passed.

     Dustin turned around and grinned at me. "Yeah. You ready to getcher
ass kicked?"

     I grinned. "You better watch it. Howey taught me some secret moves
last week. I'm gonna to kick your ass this time, buddy."

     "Ha! Howard couldn't fight his way out of a cardboard box. I whip him
every time." He leapt by me and switched the games in the Nintendo, then
sat down on the end of the bed. "It doesn't matter how much you try, you
can't beat the king!"

     "Sure, sure," I said with a snort. "Get ready to lose, King fuck-nut!"
We laughed as I took my place beside him. I grabbed my controller as I gave
Dustin my most defiant look. He chuckled as he playfully shoved me almost
right off the bed.

                                  ++++++

     The next morning came too soon. Dustin had stayed over 'til almost
eleven, and then his parents phoned, demanding that he came home. He was
right, though - he won pretty much every round we played.

     I regrettably crawled out of bed and slumped my way into the bathroom
for my morning shower. One glance in the mirror told me the marks on my
face and ribs hadn't dissipated in the least. I sighed, knowing that this
was gonna be a bad day. As soon as I walked downstairs I was gonna hear it
from my mother and sister. Then, at school I would have to put up with the
harassment from my peers... and finally, Lance and the Hitler Youth after
school.

     I dressed myself and made my way downstairs, my head hanging in a
futile attempt to hide my face. I walked towards the table and watched my
sister's eyes widen in shock as she took notice of my lip and eye. I just
kept walking forward and sat down across the table from her. I poured some
cereal into the bowl in front of me and doused it in milk. I took a bite
and chewed it slowly before I looked up to meet her gaze.

     "What happened to you?" There was no real concern in her voice, it
sound more like a question about the weather.

     "I got into a fight." I drove my spoon into the bowl and crammed more
of the cereal into my mouth.

     Jessie stood up and took her plate to the sink; she spun around and
leaned back against the counter. "With who?"

     I finished chewing before responding, "Lance."

     "Does it hurt?"

     I rolled my eyes at her. "Yeah - a bit, I guess."

     "Mom is gonna totally freak when she finds out," she said with a
smirk.

     "I know." I took a cautionary look around. "Say, where is she?"

     By now, Mom was usually up and ready to go, and fighting with us kids
to get moving.

     Jessie shrugged. "She had to pick up someone for work 'cause their car
broke down, so she left early."

     I let out a sigh of relief - one less thing to deal with right away.
"Good."

     "If I were you, which I'm glad I'm not, I'd disappear for the weekend.
Mom is really gonna spaz when she sees that."

     I put on my most sarcastic voice. "Thanks for tellin' me something I
already know."

     "You're not welcome." She stood up from her leaning position against
the counter and sauntered out of the kitchen.

     "Hey! Are you gonna say anything to her?" I yelled after her.

     "Maybe, maybe not," she said over her shoulder.

     So that was it, I thought. She wanted something. I stuffed another
mouthful of cereal into my mouth and chewed it thoughtfully. That little
bitch was gonna extort this as much as she could. If I could get away for
the weekend, I might be able to pull off not telling my mother at
all. Hopefully the bruises would be gone by then, or maybe I could come up
with a good excuse. I rose from the table and tossed my bowl into the sink,
then made my way upstairs and caught Jessie coming out of the
bathroom. "Alright," I said, resignedly. "So what's it gonna cost me,
Jessie?"

     She smirked at me. "You have to be my slave for the next two weeks."

     "Like for what?" I asked.

     "You know - clean my room, do my chores... other little things like
that." She cocked her head and her smirk turned into an evil grin.

     "No fuckin' way." I was hoping that she would back down and ask for
something reasonable - twenty bucks, or doing some homework for her.

     She stuck with it. "Well, I guess I'll have to tell mom, then."

     She had me and she knew it. I was backed into a corner and Jessie was
not gonna let up. At least it was only two weeks and not longer, though
that could change if I didn't hurry up and agree.

     "Fine," I said finally. "Two weeks of slavery for your silence."

     She laughed. "Good. This is gonna give me a lot of free time."

     I turned to her. "Listen to me, Jessie. If I do this and you end up
tellin' her, you are gonna totally regret it." I gave her my most
malevolent stare.

     "Aw, don't worry about it. Watching you toil away would be a lot
better than just listening to mom yell at ya. Besides, I can get her to do
that anytime I want anyways."

     I just rolled my eyes and left her standing there as went into my
room.  I grabbed my bag and made my way outside.

     I met up with Dustin as usual and we made our way to school. Our walk
was quiet and we said very little to each other. I was too wrapped up in
thinking about how to deal with Lance and his goons. He knew what I was
thinking about, because when we reached the school, he slapped me on the
back and told me not to worry.

     We walked through the back entrance to the school. As we made our way
down the hall, it was obvious that the news had already spread across the
school like wildfire. Some people just quickly looked at me from the corner
of their eyes; others just outright stared at me. I felt
humiliated. Everyone wanted a look at the short retard that had gotten the
shit kicked out of him. No one said a word to me as we continued our parade
towards my locker, I thanked God it was close.

     As we turned the corner I noticed a few people gathered by my locker
in the distance. Kerri pushed herself between two bodies and made her way
towards me. Her eyes were filled with concern. Her hand reached out and
gently squeezed my upper arm.

     "Kyle!" she said. "You okay?"

     "Yeah, I guess so." I looked over her shoulder at the crowd of people.
"What's with all these guys?

     She grinned. "Oh, they're all interested in what happened."

     I sighed and made my way past Kerri. The crowd near my locker thinned
out as the people went in their separate directions, and I noticed Ron and
Howard shooing them away. I made my way past the dispersing bodies without
much difficulty; most of the kids just seemed to dodge me as I came near.

     I reached my locker and spun the lock, trying to ignore all the eyes
studying my back. The stubborn lock wouldn't open, so I kept trying to get
the combination to work, but I was distracted by the nearby crowd. Finally,
I slammed the lock against the door in frustration and turned around and
glared at my companions.

     "What?" I said loudly, as I raised my hands in a helpless gesture.

     Ron sheepishly met my gaze. "So... ah - you, like... okay, man?"

     I just sighed. "Well, besides the fact that everyone in the school is
now laughin' their asses off at me, I'm just peachy."

     "Kyle... no one's laughin' at you, man."

     "Bullshit," I snorted.

     Howard leapt into the conversation, "No, man - it's true! It's totally
the opposite."

     I furrowed my brow in confusion. "The opposite? What do you mean by
that?"

     He grinned. "You stood up to Lance! No one's ever done that before.
It's like you're some kinda fuckin' hero or something!"

     "What?" I stared at him, blinking in disbelief.

     "Well, maybe not a hero," he continued, "but at least you did what
everyone was thinkin' about doing!"

     I shook my head. "I didn't do anything. I got the crap kicked out of
me - that's all." I turned back around and began to fiddle with the lock
again.

     Ron leaned up against the locker beside me. "Maybe. But at least Lance
might think twice now before fuckin' around with people at school from now
on."

     "I seriously doubt that," said another voice.

     I stopped fiddling with my lock and turned my head. Walking down the
hallway towards us was Jason, along with a few of his buddies following
behind him.

     "And what in the hell makes you say that?" Howard said. He turned
around and faced Jason, who stopped beside Kerri.

     Jason shrugged. "He and a couple of other guys were smoking on the
corner out front. I heard 'em talking about beating the shit out of you
later on today." He continued talking as he wrapped his arm around Kerri's
midsection.  "At first, I didn't know it was you they were talkin' about,
but I heard what happened when I got inside."

     Ron snickered, then pushed himself up off the lockers and took a step
towards Jason. "And what in the fuck makes you the concerned friend, all of
a sudden?"

     Howard stepped up and stood beside Ron, "Yeah. You're no different
than Lance. You try to pick on Kyle any chance you get."

     Jason's eyes went cold and his arm slipped from Kerri's waist as he
glared at the two in front of him. I looked over at Dusty. He'd been
surprisingly quiet this morning. It looked like he was taking his promise
seriously; he never tried to defend me once. And in his protective absence,
Ron and Howard were stepping up to taking his place.

     "Yeah, I bug him all the time," Jason said. "But I never hit him - not
ever."

     "No difference to me." Ron shot that back with cold contempt in his
voice.

     "Whatever. Look, I'm just tellin' you - watch it, okay?" He turned and
gave Kerri a kiss on the forehead and walked away, continuing down the
hallway with his buddies in tow.

     "Asshole." Ron turned back to talk to me, but not before Kerri got her
two cents in.

     "Jesus, Ronny! He's trying, okay? If anyone is the asshole here, you
are.  Same with Howard." With that, she turned and stormed down the
hallway.

     Ron and Howard stood silently for a moment. I turned and finally got
my locker to open. I grabbed my books and stuffed my book bag in.

     "I'll see you guys at lunch, 'kay?" I turned and looked at all of
them, slamming my locker shut.

     "Yeah. Catch you at lunch." Ron and Howard took off down the hallway,
towards their morning classes.

     Dustin watched them scurry away, then walked down the hall with me.
"So, no outbursts or mugging people. Did I make good with my promise so
far?"

     I shook my head, "Dusty, you know I said that you didn't have to."

     "I know, but I'm still gonna try. It was really hard when Jason came
around, but Ron and Howey said what I was thinking."

     I looked at that face with the questioning look stretched across
it. He really was trying hard to do this. I almost wanted to just hug him
and reassure him that what he was doing was appreciated but not
necessary. Maybe in a way, I did like it when he came running in as the
knight in shining armor, but I guess he really wanted to do this for me, so
I decided just to go with it.

     "Yeah, man - you did great." I slapped my hand on his shoulder. "But
we better get to class or we're dead."

     He just laughed, "Yeah. I'll see you at lunch, okay?"

     We split up and I made my way through the winding corridors till I
made it to the science lab.

     Upon entering I saw that Kerri was sitting with Tanya once again, deep
in conversation. Just from her gestures, I knew she was still pissed at Ron
and Howey, not to mention the look on her face. I looked towards the back
and sure enough, Jared was sitting there, all alone again this morning. I
guessed that this would be the new seating arrangement for now.

     I made my way back towards Jared. Before I reached him, James' voice
rang out over the chattering of my classmates, "Hey, killer! Good job
yesterday. I think you broke Lance's nose!" The class stopped its nattering
and started hooting along with James as I proceeded to turn red and finish
the trip to my desk.

     I sat down beside Jared as the class calmed down and everyone returned
to their previous conversations. Jared began to talk as he closed his
textbook.

     "So, how are you feelin' today?"

     "Better I guess, but all this..." I said, making an exasperated
gesture across the room at my classmates. "It's a little embarrassing,
y'know?"

     "I would guess so." He seemed to be lost for words. We both just
looked anywhere but each other's eyes, seemingly afraid to make contact. I
still felt ashamed of what I had almost done to him last night. He must be
afraid or disgusted, likely knowing what I was gonna do.

     "I hope I, uh. didn't get Dustin mad at you or. anything."

     "Naaa. Everything worked out okay."

     "That's cool."

     Before I could answer, I looked up to see Mr. Karmicheal walk into the
room, and all conversations stopped. He slapped his old tattered briefcase
onto his desk and instantly began his morning lecture. I opened my notebook
and began scribbling down notes. Halfway through the class, I noticed Jared
turn his head and give me a quick look. He must have seen my eyes spot him
because he quickly snapped his head back down into his own notes.

     Why in the hell did I sit here? It was obvious that he didn't want me
here.  He wasn't even able to look at me, and he fidgeted every time I
did. I sighed. It was obvious that Jared had guessed my secret, and he was
clearly uncomfortable around me. I shook my head at myself and concentrated
on Karmicheal's droning voice. Luckily his lecture went right up to the
bell and we didn't have time to work on our projects. My classmates seemed
somewhat distraught over it, but I was glad that at least I didn't have to
face Jared. He made me more nervous and afraid than Lance did.

                                    ++++++

     At ten past noon, I made my way towards the lunchroom, the hallways
almost empty due to the fact that Mrs. Hope held me after English trying to
get me to spill the beans about my wounds. I turned the corner and froze
dead in my tracks. There, not even three feet in front of me, was Lance,
Mark, and Greg. I held my ground, partially out of fear, and maybe a little
out of that stupid thing called bravery. I wasn't about to spend the rest
of the school year running.

     Lance grabbed me by the front of the shirt and slammed me into a wall
of lockers, sending a clang of metal echoing down the halway.

     "Hey, Tiny! Fancy meeting you here."

     I pushed his hand off my shirt. "Yeah, fancy that, huh? Us both going
to the same school and all."

     His eyes dropped to a level of iciness that I didn't think possible
for a human being. "Are you being smart, shorty?"

     "Well, one of us has to be right."

     Lance thrust his bottom jaw out, obviously thinking about what he
should do to this defiance - and like most bullies decided to use physical
force.  His fist shot out from his side and slammed into my still-sore
ribcage. I didn't wanna give him the satisfaction of him seeing me in pain,
but it was too much. I withered to the ground, supporting myself on one
hand and clutching my screaming ribcage with the other.

     "You'll never learn, huh?" I heard the other two goons chuckle as they
watched me struggle to my feet.

     I sucked my breath inbetween my teeth. "Guess not, fuckwad."

     He kicked my arm out from in front of me and I went crashing to the
ground.

     "After school, you are dead, Kyle - fuckin' dead! You won't be
spoutin' off any fuckin' smart remarks when I'm done with you."

     I pushed myself up and stood in front of him. "Oh, damn. I was really
looking forward to telling you about how much you needed some tic-tacs for
that breath of yours. You smell like shit, y'know?"

     He raised his fist to punch me square in the face, but Mark's hand
caught his arm. "Not now man," he whispered. "Wait 'til after school. He'll
get his."

     Lance stood there for a second, then turned around and strode towards
the lunchroom. Mark followed closely behind, with Greg in tow. I stood
there for a second, my heart still racing, and I felt slightly dizzy. All
that smug confidence I had melted away the moment they were out of sight. I
started shaking, wonder how badly they were gonna hurt me once I left for
home tonight. I felt a wave of panic in my stomach; I wanted to run home
right now.

     I shook my head. No, I thought. If this was how it was gonna be, fine.
I just accepted my fate and slowly crept towards the lunchroom.

     I took my place at the table where the rest of my friends had seated
themselves. I sat right beside Dustin, and to my surprise Jared was sitting
directly across from me.

     "So what kept ya?" Dustin asked, looking over at me intently.

     "Oh, Mrs. Hope tried to get me to squeal, but I got away." I opened my
lunch bag and looked at the contents. I closed it back up and pushed it
aside.

     "What?" Ron motioned to the bag in front of me with a sandwich-filled
hand. "Not hungry or somethin'?"

     "No, not really."

     "Mind if I take some then?" Howard asked, his mouth half-full of egg
salad sandwich. A piece of egg-white fell out on the table.

     Dustin's face grimaced. "Dude, that's so disgusting!"

     "What?" Howard asked innocently, then wedged almost half the sandwich
into his mouth and took a huge bite. A glob of egg salad splatted against
the front of his shirt.

     "If you have to ask," Dustin said, rolling his eyes, "then you're a
fuckin' pig!"

     "Yeah, so?" Howard chewed a few times and swallowed the mouthful of
egg in a very audible gulp. "So how bout it? Can I?"

     "Yeah, sure," I said, then pushed my lunch bag across the table
towards him. Howard ripped into it like he was staving to death. Ronald
just stared at him, open-mouthed, his own sandwich inches away from his
mouth.

     Howard noticed Ron's reaction. "What, goddammit?" He frowned, one hand
holding a chocolate bar, the other a juice box, both from my lunch. "So I'm
hungry! I didn't have any dinner last night - 'kay?"

     Ron's eyebrows raised and he looked down at the sandwich he was
holding in front of his face. His hands lowered, then tossed the sandwich
back into his bag. "I'm not too hungry now, either."

     Howard growled in irritation and slapped his hand down on the table.
The bar he was holding flew from his grasp and slid across the table and
onto the floor. We all started laughing as he jumped from the table and
onto the floor looking for it like a dog searching for a lost bone. Even
Jared laughed; he'd been quiet the entire time I had been here.

     Ron turned to Jared and raised an eyebrow. "So it does make noise. I
thought you were dead or something!"

     Jared's eyes darted from Ron's, to mine, then down to the table. He
was obviously uncomfortable with this sudden draw of attention. I mentally
cursed Ron for pushing Jared away just when he was starting an attempt to
fit in.  But why was he here anyways? Why would he want anything to do with
me? Did he feel sorry for me or what?

     "No," he said finally, still averting my eyes. "I'm just quiet around
people." We waited for more, but that was all Jared decided that he would
say.  Ron must have then picked up on the fact that he had just hit a sore
spot for Jared.  He slapped his hand on Jared's back.

     "Don't worry," he said reassuringly. "We'll have ya as screwed up as
the rest of us in no time flat."

     Jared managed a small grin. "Um. thanks - I guess."

     I watched his ocean blue eyes dart from Ron's to Dustin's, who just
shook his head reassuringly.

     A female voice cried out from behind me. "Dustin!" I turned and looked
at Michelle hopping over towards Dustin. His entire face suddenly lit up as
if he'd just won the lottery, then he turned in his chair and faced
her. "Hey, baby!  How's it goin'?"

     She sat down in his lap and planted a big wet kiss on his lips. "Fine!
I told Angie about..." And for the next five minutes, it all kind of melted
into a dull roar. I just watched him laugh and smile at her as she told her
dumb story.  In a matter of two days, she'd manage to accomplish something
I had been trying to do for almost two years. It made me nauseous. I know I
didn't feel that way about Dustin anymore, but it still hurt. Even sitting
there at the table surrounded by the friends that meant the world to me,
all I felt was a wave of abandonment and loneliness deep in my chest.

     I turned back into my chair, not wanting to see Dustin and his new
lover, and looked down at the table. Despite my best efforts, a couple of
tears trickled down my cheek. I quickly wiped then away, then looked up to
see that Ron and Howard were also enthralled with Michelle's tale of
god-knows-what. But when I looked over at Jared, he was looking right back
at me. He'd seen everything.  I couldn't help but just look back at him,
too afraid to say a word. His face was flat and emotionless, probably
hiding the disgust and contempt he felt for me.  Finally, those blue eyes
left me and focused on Michelle.

     I wiped my face again as I heard Michelle stand up and plant another
big kiss on Dustin's face.

     "Eeewww," snorted Ron. "If you guys wanna go at it, get a motel room!"

     The table instantly erupted in laughter. I tried to laugh and go along
with it, praying that maybe Jared hadn't seen anything after all.

     Dustin instantly whipped around in his chair, and his elbow
accidentally caught me right in the side where Lance had pummeled me
earlier. I grabbed my ribs and doubled over and fell to the
floor. Instantly, I heard several people jump to their feet, and Dustin's
arm was resting over my back.

     "Omigod! Kyle, I'm so sorry!" Dustin lowered his face down to where
mine was. The rest of the table's occupants were standing around me, I
would've felt self-conscious, but there was too much pain.

     "Jesus, I didn't think that he got hit that hard." Ron was kneeling at
my side.

     "He didn't," I groaned, "but the second blow a few minutes ago made it
a lot worse." Shit! I mentally slapped my forehead, instantly regretting my
words.

     Dustin pulled back his arm as I rolled over and tried to sit up. His
face was a mask of fury. "He hit you... again?"

     "Yeah." I struggled to my feet, then just looked at him.

     Howard moved around and stood behind Dustin. "What happened?"

     Well, there was no way out of it. I recounted the tale of my meeting
with Lance a few minutes earlier. I watched Dustin the entire time, and as
my story progressed, his face twisted more and more into a grimace of
rage. Those calm, caring eyes that I loved so much flooded themselves with
new blood, making them dangerous and razor-sharp with hate.

     When I finished, I sat back at the table. Dustin just looked back at
me, not saying a word. His chest fell heavy with forced breathing, he
clenched and unclenched his jaw. Was he mad at me for not telling him right
away? Mad at Lance? Or both?

     Finally he just stood up. Michelle looked at him, puzzled. "What are
you doing?" she protested,

     "Nothing," he said quietly. "Just stay here." He turned and started to
walk away, Ron and Howard ran up to his side. "You two stay here, too."

     "No way," they piped almost simultaneously.

     Dustin stopped and turned around to face them both. "That wasn't a
choice. Sit your asses down - or else." The sharpness in his tone took both
of the boys aback. Dustin continue down the cafeteria aisle, and Ron and
Howard came back to where I was sitting, then leaned on the table looking
at each other.

     "Shit. He's really pissed, eh?" Howard just nodded his head in
agreement at Ron's comment.

     I sat there, wondering what Dustin was going to do. My mind raced with
a thousand possible scenarios, each one ending badly. I knew he was gonna
pick a fight, but it was going to be him against three older guys, and
there was no fucking way I was gonna sit around and let him do that. I had
to stop him.

     I stood up, almost knocking my chair over behind me. Howard and Ron
both looked at me expectantly. "Fuck 'em," I said. "We're goin'."I pushed
my way past the tables following Dustin. I saw him in the distance, walking
quickly towards Lance's table. I pushed myself into the main pathway that
was clearer and easier to navigate. I glanced to my left and was glad to
see Ron and Howey at my heels. I started to jog down the clear area towards
Dustin, and caught up to him just as he and Lance started to yell at each
other.

     "...so what're you gonna do about it?" Lance taunted. He noticed me
standing behind Dustin and his grin got wider.

     I grabbed Dustin by the shoulder and pulled myself beside him. "Man
just drop it," I said in a low voice. "It's not worth it."

     Dustin just held his stare with Lance. "Yes it is," he retorted. "I'm
gonna kick the shit outta this cocksucker."

     Lance jumped up out of his chair and stood before Dustin in response
to his comment. Lance was taller than Dustin by half a head and must have
outweighed him by at least 30 pounds. Dustin never flinched; he just kept
his eyes locked onto Lance's.

     "You wanna say that again?" Lance said with a sneer.

     "Yeah, I said I am gonna kick."

     I grabbed Dustin's shoulder and twirled him around to face me.

     "Dustin, listen to me!" I cried. "It's not worth it."

     I don't think he even heard me. His face was flushed; it was clear the
anger was seeping through every pour in his body. For a fleeting moment I
thought he was gonna punch me. He started to turn around again, but I
jerked him back to face me. "You promised, Dustin," I begged.

     I watched the fury melt from his body and a hint of sadness and
remorse took its place. I didn't want to use that against him, but I had no
other choice.

     "It's not worth it. Please."

     At last, he sighed. I knew he had given it up. "Yeah," he said
finally.  "It's not worth it."

     He started to walk forward and Lance spoke up. "Listen to your
girlfriend, man! Doesn't matter anyways. I'm gonna fuck him up after
school, and maybe you, too."

     I ignored him and turned to walk away with Dustin, but Lance kept it
up.  "Hey Dustin - dead friend, dead brother... is there any difference?"

     My body froze instantly and my mind went numb as a gasp shot out from
the crowd. I couldn't believe that any human being, no matter how low or
despicable, could even consider saying that. I looked over at Dustin, his
head sagged down as if he'd just been hit by an unbearable weight, and
tears began to pour from his eyes.

     I stood and stared at Lance, who walked up behind us and continued
taunting.

     "Whatsamatter - hit a sore spot?" he called with a chuckle. I wheeled
around quickly and pushed my entire weight behind my fist. I heard a sharp
crack as it caught his smug face right in the nose, which exploded in
blood. Lance grabbed his face and went tumbling backwards and onto the
table. His cronies jumped up from their chairs as I leapt onto Lance and
started pummeling him with my fists. I got in three good shots before a
pair of hands dragged me off the table and spun me onto my feet. Greg
grabbed me first, and his fist shot out and sent me falling to the ground,
landing on my ass. He came at me ready to continue his attack, but Ron ran
at him and knocked him to the ground.

     Another one of Lance's friends grabbed Ron from behind and held him.
Greg stood up from the floor and drove his fist into Ron's gut. I started
to get up to help him when I saw Lance coming at me. His eyes were bulging
out of his sockets and blood seeped from his nose, staining the front of
his T-shirt.  His face was insane, like some kind of animal, and I braced
myself, ready for anything.

     Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Dustin leapt out and slammed into
Lance, dragging him to the ground. Both of them rolled around on the floor,
Lance trying to push his arms up while Dustin pushed back down on them. One
arm came loose and smashed into Dustin's face, but Dustin retaliated by
driving his knee into Lance's groin and returning the punch to the face.

     I ran over and was going to help continue the assault on Lance, but a
strong hand grabbed my arm. Wheeling around with my fist up ready to
strike, I came face to face with Mr. Karmicheal.

    "ENOUGH!" The teacher bellowed so loud, it seemed to echo across the
cafeteria. Everyone froze where they stood. Dustin and Lance continued to
tumble around on the ground, intent on massacring each other. Two other
teachers ran up, each one grabbing one of the boys, who still tried to hit
one another as they were dragged away.

     Next thing I knew, we were being marched down the hall by an escort of
teachers. We were placed in the waiting room outside the principal's
office.  My three companions and I were forced to sit in the tacky tan
chairs in the outer waiting room, while Lance and his friends were sent
directly in.

     Howey sat across from me on the other side of the small room. He had
two balls of wadded Kleenex wedged up his nose to stop the bleeding.

     "Shit," he moaned. "My nose looks like it's having a period!"

     Ron, who looked fine now, idly flipped through a magazine. "Dude, you
gotta tilt your head back to make the bleeding stop."

     Howard shook his head. "Bullshit!" he retorted. "I heard you
shouldn't, 'cause that fills your lungs with fluid."

     "No, it doesn't - trust me."

     Howard glanced over at Ron. "Trust you? You don't even know what
you're talkin' about!"

     Ron slapped the magazine shut. "Of course I know what I'm talkin'
about, you stupid."

     "Stop it!"

     We looked up to see the principal's secretary glaring at us.

     "You boys be quiet! You're in enough trouble as it is." Her sharp
beady eyes gave no room for argument. Ron grumbled and reopened his
magazine.  Howard just rolled his eyes and began to gently rub the area
around his nose.

      Dustin, who was sitting beside me, leaned over and whispered to me.
"Kyle, I'm... I'm really sorry I broke my promise."

      I managed a small grin. "Don't worry, dude," I whispered back. "It
was worth it in the end."

     "Maybe, but I shouldn't've."

     I hushed him with a shake of my head, "Now's not the time to talk
about it. Later, okay?"

     He nodded, then looked straight ahead. The area around his left eye
was already starting to change color as it began to bruise. I knew he was
hurt bad - a little physically, and a lot emotionally - but this was not
the place to deal with it.  Still, I had to say something to reassure
him. I leaned closer and put my hand on his shoulder, "But thanks, man," I
said. "It really meant a lot to me."

     I looked at him expectantly, and he turned back and gave me a nod and
a tired smile.

     "Hey! I think the bleeding stopped!"

     All of us stopped and turned to look at Howard, who then proceeded to
rip the two wads of tissue out of his nose. For a few seconds we thought he
was right, but suddenly, a torrential flood of blood spewed from his
nose. Howard slapped his hand under his nose to try to stop it while he
quietly cursed under his breath, and we all started to laugh
wholeheartedly.

     The laughter only lasted a few seconds before the secretary once again
came into the room and screeched at us. We instantly shut our mouths. She
gave us another scolding look before she left, and Howard proceeded to jam
the tissue back up into his nose.

     I looked around at my friends. Howard leaned his head back against the
wall, finally giving into Ron's advice. Ron was still flipping through the
same magazine, obviously just wasting time. Dusty sat beside me with his
eyes closed, deep in thought. I sighed, but couldn't help but break out in
a small grin.  I knew we were about to face the fire of punishment from our
principal. Who knows how bad the punishment would be? Years of detention,
suspensions, perhaps even expulsion... but it didn't really matter. Not as
long as we toughed it out together.


                               # # # # # # # # #
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be continued...


Well I hope you enjoyed that. The forth chapter will be out with in the
month so keep watch for it. E-mail me with any comments you might have -
flamers and hate mail will be ignored of course.

Copyright David Logan 2002