Date: Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:55:14 -0500 From: daredevillain862@aim.com Subject: Nick & Taylor-9 I was on AIM when I saw a screen name pop up on that I hadn't seen in some time. I smiled, knowing what they did. I replied... ********** 2 Years Before It'd been a horrible year since I was outed at Jason's party. For the lastyear, I had been going through depression. I was a cutter. I drank. Ismoked pot. I smoked cigarettes. There were no other forms of relieffor me. My neighbor, who was a druggie himself, got me a lot of thesethings. I was sure my parents noticed, but they didn't seem to care. Butjust because he got me what I needed didn't mean we were friends, whichI had run out of by this point. Some I lost because of my sexualorientation. Some left because we just drifted apart. Others werebecause of my new little habits. I didn't care. I didn't need friends.What I needed was a joint, some Jose Cuervo & my razor to keep megoing. I hated Ted. He had loved me. He had been thefirst & only person I ever loved with all my heart in a romanticsense. Never had my feelings gone down or diminished from the day wemet. We'd been lovers, soul mates, partners. Then he ditched me. Left,without ever saying bye, or even an explanation as to why. About a few months into my depression, I had come across a little light of hope. I received an IM from a boy, about my age, just a little younger, who lived in Maine. Hetold me that a friend of his had shown him the picture of me kissingTed at the old party. I asked him who his friend was & how he sawit & why he was talking to me. He told me not to worry aboutwho his friend was & he said it was sent to a special e-mailaccount he had. He wanted to know about me. Figuring the kid wasn't going to leave me alone, I decided to talk to him. Imentioned how I had loved my boyfriend, Ted, for two years. I said tohim how much he meant to me & how every breath used to be a sigh ofrelief for me knowing that I had someone who loved me so deeply I couldshare anything with them, no matter what. I explained that it wasn'tfair that I had to be mocked for who I was & who I loved. Theboy agreed with me about unfair it all was, but that realistically, Iwould have to live with the part of society that didn't accept us, thatwouldn't accept us. Us? ---- Then "us. im gay 2" he sent. I didn't know what to do. I hadn't expected him to be gay like me. "so y r u talkin 2 me rly?" I typed. "i wanna help u." "help me w/ wat?" I sent. "dealing w/ ur breakup, among the other things in ur life that r hurting u." I frowned. "and wat exactly is 'hurting me' then?" I asked. "urself." Ithought about what he was saying. He obviously knew somehow that I wasdrinking & hurting myself. I wanted to know how he knew, but I justcouldn't ask. He was higher than me & clearly trying to tell mesomething, but I didn't want to listen. I didn't want to know. "kidk who u think u r, but leave me alone. if i wanna drink, and smokeand cut, then ill do it. and u cant do a thing about it asshole," I entered. "come on nick, u gotta let me help u." "kid, leave me the fuck alone!" I almost felt like screaming at the monitor. "not happening." He wasn't getting it. I didn't want his damn help! I didn't help in general! "this conversation is over. bu-bye!" Iwas just about to click out of the chat when the boy sent one moremessage to me. And to be honest...it was a message that would basicallysave my life afterward. "fine, walk out," he replied. I stared at the screen. "walkout, just like ted walked out on u. u say that ted was the best thingin ur life? i bet he helped u thru things, didnt he? well guess watnick, now ur being offered sum more help and wat do u do? u throw thatoffer away. ur turning ur back on ppl who r trying 2 help u. ur prettymuch turning ur back on ted." My stomach was caught in my throat. "he turned his back on me!" I smashed into the keyboard. "well if ur this selfish, then maybe u deserved it." Asilent cry escaped my throat. At first, I wanted to kill this kid. Hehad no right to barge in on my life & insult me. But what he wassaying slowly came to me. It hadn't been my fault, but what I was doingto cope with it was. The boy wanted to help me. Ted had wanted to helpme. I had turned down the boy's help. I had turned down Ted. And nomatter how much I hated Ted, I couldn't bring myself to do what he haddone to me. As I began contemplating what I was doing to myself, asmall tear trickled down my face. "idk wat 2 do..." I typed, free of hope. "u wanna let me help u out then?" "yeah." "ok..." ---- Now "its been a while," I typed. "yes it has." "so how u been gurl freeen?" "lol. eh, u know. helpin more ppl." "same. i kinda like, owe everything 2 u lol." "u can pay me some other time," my friend sent. "can i pay in my own labor?" I asked. "i dont get it." "well...i sorta started helpin other gay ppl w/ their issues, at least im tryin 2. like u helped me." He didn't respond for a few seconds. "so howz it goin?" "i guess its goin good. omg! the kid ive been helpin...hes also a major hottie. ahh!" "r u in luv w/ him?" he entered. "idk. i mean, hes so sweet and hes major hawt, not 2 mention hes a star athlete, an A student AND i get that vibe he likes me," I told him. Images of Taylor flashed through my mind. Lately,I had been feeling emotionally close to him. To be honest, I WASfalling for him. He was sincere, smart, HOT, caring, sympathetic &fair. To me...he was perfect. The last 11 months had been some of themost interesting in my life & there was just something about themthat made me never want to leave them. I wanted to be in this infiniteworld of being a form of a teacher to Taylor Kipps. "careful Nick...getting involved w/ ur tutee is dangerous. it might create bad grounds 4 u guys 2 keep ur friendship," he warned. "wat r u sayin then?" "do not attach urself to this boy." "ill be careful. im not gonna re-live the past." "i hope so, 4 ur sake," he entered. Wetalked some more for a few more hours that day, catching up on the lastyear that had gone by since we spoke last. It had been too long &there was so much to catch up. Here was one of the most amazing peopleI had ever met in my life. He had helped me long distance through myalcohol use, drug use, pot use, cutting, but most of all...he helped mefind who I really was. Not just some lonely, depressed faggot whothought he had the best of the world but then had it torn from myfingertips. "well i g2g. my two locals are inviting me and some other friends to the movie's. so ill ttyl?" he typed. "yea, def. nice talkin 2 u again. bbs kay?" "i will. bye Nick." "bye Mark." I, too, signed out of AIM & went about my regular day. Whatever a regular day was to me. http://kbboys.darkbb.com you WILL come to my site & you WILL join & you WILL enjoy the socialization of it! more of my stories join & learn about the KBB Group on Facebook!