Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 01:39:05 -0400
From: Kell <daredevillain862@aim.com>
Subject: Noah & Jaden-48

Jaden


It was so strange, knowing that my best friend, my boyfriend, was a
father. A FATHER. At this age! It was inexplicably weird. There's no
escaping the feelings of aging & thoughts of the future when a baby comes
into one's life. At the same time, there's just as much nostalgia &
feelings of growing up & the good memories that make up the fabric of the
past. It was in this sense that I hoped Noah & I could begin getting back
to. We still had some time left in the juvenile prison system that is
school; I wanted to make the most of our last year.

Over a month had passed since the baby's birth. We were well into the
winter holiday by now, Christmas just around the corner. Snow conquered the
forecasts & frigid airs had stripped every living tree of its summer & late
autumn foliage. The silence was beautiful during snowfall, the gnarled
branches of the trees reaching up & begging to be wrapped in fluffy white
blankets.

I was being spared a few hours from the cold at Dade's during the end of my
shift when Noah came in, shivering even with his winter coat, gloves & hat
on. I giggled as he shook the snow off him.

"I'd be willing to keep working this shift if you wanna walk back home &
relax for the rest of the night," I said with a straight face.

"Yeah, right," he scoffed as we chuckled. "Tom here?"

"Yeah he's in the back," I nodded.

"Cool, I'll let him know I'm here so that you can leave," he gave me a
snarky little look.

"Good thing I made myself a cup of hot chocolate to go," I gave a cheeky
grin as I geared up for the trek back home. Because of the snow & ice on
the ground, my folks didn't want me driving to work. So overprotective,
right?

"I hate you."

The place was pretty empty except for this hipster 30-something year old
man in the back glued to his Mac. I gave my boyfriend a peck on the cheek
before I walked by him to head on out into the cold.

The hot chocolate kept my hands warm from the frigid air as I walked. Lucky
for me, the icy winds also helped cool the drink a little bit faster so I
didn't have to wait 80 years for it to be drinkable. In general, Noah & I
loved living here & we loved the snow. But when it's NOT snowing...ice,
wind & freezing air just isn't as fun. Just for one day, ONE day this week,
it'd be nice to have the sun's warm rays scorch us like the good ol' days
of just four months ago. The snow crunched under my boots as I hiked
through the shoveled sidewalks, my shoe prints joining hundreds of other
travelers.

About a mile up the street, I noticed that the closest road that connected
where I needed to go & where I was was completely inaccessible due to all
the snow. I pouted as I began to take a different way, knowing I'd be home
about an extra half hour late in the freezing cold.

The unneeded extra exercise wasn't the only reason I wasn't pumped about
going in this direction. West lived down this way. When he was friends with
us, before apparently becoming such a homophobe all of a sudden after
learning Noah & I were an item, Noah & I had no issue with coming the
longer way since we'd often meet up at West's house to hang out with
him. However, when he ditched us faster than you could even say the word
"homosexual," Noah & I, whenever we'd walk into town, began taking the
shorter route. I silently prayed I wouldn't run into him if he were
outside.

My prayers were left blissfully unanswered.

His road was not very populated at all, even by Winthrop's standards. It
was one of the roads that sat right between the center of town & the
significantly more rural area of town I had to go through to reach the
peninsula I lived on. His house was a one-story yellow home that had a
strangely tall chimney on the side of it & that's how most people knew
it. My reason for knowing it was standing outside on the front steps,
shoveling snow from the stairs. I cursed under my breath as he looked up at
one point & made eye contact with me.

"Hey Jaden," he said with a very shitty voice.

"Just headed home from work, West, no need to speak to me or
anything. Please," I said flatly.

"Last time you were down this way, you were here at my house with Noah," he
said as I slowed down in front of his house. A part of me wanted to just
let him fuck off & keep walking home, but a bigger part of me demanded
confrontation. I knew Noah would want me to let go of something like this
but I just couldn't.

"Probs," I shrugged.

"You guys ever do any gay shit in my house?"

"What's your problem, man?" I asked. "You've known about us for a while
now. Why are you still such a prick about EVERYTHING? Move on."

"I just wanna know how it is I was friends with a couple of homos for such
a long time," he shrugged innocently as if he had asked a meaningless
little question.

"Well I wanna know what the fuck crawled up your ass when you found out?
Especially since I recall you having this stupid theory that guys who join
GSA must all be gay & you didn't seem to have a problem back then. That
biblical nonsense you pulled out your ass was funny at first but after a
while, you really slipped into this asshole character of yours now."

He shrugged. "My theory rang true. And what can I say? Maybe I really think
you guys are going to hell."

"Get real, you're family was never that 'fire & brimstone' type. Or do you
not remember us all being friends since middle school?"

"You're telling me to get real?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, I fucking am. For Noah's sake, I'm holding back from knocking your
ass out," I said bravely. West could EASILY kick my ass but not without a
few bumps & bruises of his own. Unfortunately for me, West could take a hit
pretty well. I may or may not regret having threatened him...

"You think you're hot shit, don't you," he sneered, humored by my attempt
to threaten him.

"Pretty much," I shrugged as I started to walk by him. But before I could
get too far, he hopped down from his steps & held up a hand out in front of
him.

"WHAT?" I started to get angry.

"You don't get it, do you."

"Trust me, West, I get it. You're an asshole. Ok?"

He eyed me, as if searching for his words carefully. "You're not welcome
around here," he said with a hint of awkwardness in his voice, as if he
didn't even believe what he was saying himself. Not welcome around here? I
wasn't aware he was the emperor of the road.

"You're so close-minded it's comical," I scoffed as I started to walk
around him again.

All of a sudden, I felt his hand grab hold of my coat sleeve & yank me
backwards. My momentum caused me to lose my cup of hot chocolate & swing
around right up to him, which he took advantage of...to put a kiss right on
my lips!

For a fraction of a second, I was frozen with my mouth creepily attached to
his. His lips were cold & dry, slightly cracked from the freezing, hibernal
air. He kept his hand on my sleeve, holding me to him. I was so stunned I
thought I'd never be able to pull away from his cold, dead
lips. Nevertheless, they were lips; lips belonging to West & as my mind
came back to me, I was immediately repulsed at what was happening. Before I
could move back on my own, however, West violently shoved me away from him,
causing me to fall backwards into a heap of snow. When I looked back up at
him, he was glaring down at me.

"West...what the...?" I was speechless. I quickly started wiping my mouth.

"Shut up."

"Dude, you ju—"

Before I could finish my sentence, West shot forward & lunged at me. I
flinched as he angrily grabbed me by the front of my coat & held himself
right down to my face.

"You tell anyone what just happened...I'll put you & Noah in the fucking
ground."

Still unsure of how to react or what to say, I just looked back at West in
confusion. Was he pulling a prank? Was he trying to see if I'd cheat on
Noah?...

West was gay himself?

I searched his eyes for an answer, but was only met with daggers.

That was when I began to chuckle. West's eyes burned with anger as I
started laughing in his face.

"You think me fucking you guys up is funny??" he yelled.

"No," I laughed, "what's funny is that here you are West, a self-professed
gay-hating prick, kissing a gay boy in broad daylight, hahaha."

"Shut the fuck up Parker!" he shoved me down into the snow harder. But I
continued laughing.

"You're gay West, just admit it," I got out one last laugh before I started
pushing back up against him so I wasn't so deep in the snow.

"I'm NOT gay," he said angrily.

"So then why are you lying on top of me?" I smirked. With that, West
swiftly hopped up & stood back a few feet from me as I picked myself up &
brushed the icy snow off me. Looking at him, I could see he was red with
embarrassment & fury. I was smiling as he tried to keep up his tough-guy
spiel.

"I'm warning you..." he pointed a finger at me, dying for a laser to shoot
out & kill me with an explosion of some sort.

"I never really knew what to think when I heard somewhere that most
homophobes are actually gay themselves. Now I know...it's just sad."

"I'm not gay!" he shouted. Gee, for something so secretive, he sure liked
being loud about how NOT gay he was.

"Then how do you explain kissing me on the lips?"

He started me down, unable to give a sliver of a legitimate response that
would disabuse me from this newfound revelation.

"Does Gina know you're gay?" I asked.

"Say I'm gay again," West hissed as he nearly bolted right up to me, "I
dare you. Go on, say it."

"Why don't you say it, for once," I replied. He didn't like that.

He got right in my face again as he said, "Listen to me you little
faggot. You tell anyone, especially that mouthy fuckwit McCara, about any
of this & you're dead."

"West," I said calmly, feeling so sad for him, "this is something you need
to come to terms with. If you let this fester for too long, you're gonna
feel trapped & it's gonna become a daily struggle trying to accept
yourself. Look, I've been there, obviously. But after a while, knowing that
others know you're gay is a big relief—"

Without hesitating, West launched his right fist through the air, crashing
into the left side of my face. Merciless pain swept through my nose & face
as I collapsed upon the ground again. After seeing stars for a brief
moment, I was able to sit up, but not without a blood staining my nose,
mouth & clothes. I looked up at West, who was so furious with white hot
rage that I swear I saw the tiniest drips of tears in his eyes.

Whatever sympathy I had for the boy quickly evaporated & was replaced by
anger. I struggled to get to my feet after a moment & looked right back at
him.

"You're such an asshole," I spat blood from my mouth. "As if dropping Noah
& me as friends, harassing both of us but mostly me, treating us like shit,
KISSING ME & DENYING BEING FUCKING GAY WEREN'T ENOUGH," I emphasized that
part rather loudly, "you still have the audacity to call me a faggot & act
like a prick."

He said nothing so I continued.

"Fuck you West. Fuck you to the very end of your miserable, goddamn
life. Go keep fucking Gina. Go get married, get a wife. Get some kids. Get
some grandkids for all I care. Nothing you ever do or say will change
you. You're nothing but a hypocritical, pathetic waste of air who I'd
sooner be murdered in a bloody rage by than ever feel your disgusting lips
on me ever again."

He stood there with his fists still clenched as I wiped blood from my
mouth, which ached madly as did my nose.

"I hate you so much for what you've put Noah & me through," I said to
him. "But I can't even fathom how much you must hate yourself."

His eyes were red & puffy. I didn't want to be around him with his meltdown
about to hit any moment. I turned around to keep heading down the road.

He wouldn't ever be laying a hand on anyone again. That was for damn sure.

**********

Later that night, I was home alone thinking about West still when I got a
Skype call from Mark. I answered it, wondering if I could ask his advice
about the whole situation.

"Hey Mark what's up?"

"Not too much. Talking to Janie & Ruby on Facebook. Figured I'd say
hey. What happened to your lip?"

"Oh, that. I uh, got a little too excited about the sandwich I made
earlier. Ended up biting my lip when I was eating it, heh."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. Tell them I say hi," I smiled.

"Sure thing. What's going on?"

"Can I...can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course."

"There's this guy I know who's gay...but he's in denial."

"Ahh..."

"And he's a real jerk. Always saying homophobic shit...but he recently made
a move on...a friend of mine."

"Doesn't sound too out of the ordinary. Pretty sure lots of guys who harbor
same sex attractions reject them by being homophobic."

"Right...but since he's such an asshole to people who are gay, & he's gay
himself...would it be bad to out him? Especially if it'd make him stop
being such a bully?"

"Hmm," he pondered. "I mean, there's no objective answer to that question,
J. Whatever answer you come up with boils down to your own personal
ethics. Do the ends justify the means, that sort of thing."

"I know but...I'm just so conflicted. Maybe if you tell me what YOU think,
it can jog some extra thoughts. The way I wanna see it is that his
hypocrisy isn't only ignorant & hateful, it's dangerous & abusive. And I
think that by outing him, it'd show everyone that what he says is nonsense
& most importantly, he'll know what it's like to be known."

"So then out him."

I looked down, an uneasy look on my face.

"But you don't want to," Mark said.

"No, I don't..." I admitted. "I just don't know what to do."

I looked back up to the computer screen. "What do you think? Is outing
someone EVER ok?"

"I'll tell you what I think," he said, leaning forward. "I know a LOT of
people, Jade. From here to New York, Seattle, San Diego, Miami, Baltimore &
everywhere in between...I know a lot of people. For some of them, it was
easy to come out. For other, everyone already pretty much knew. For others
it was a shock to everyone. And for others, it was the hardest thing
they've ever dealt with. But one thing that EVERY gay person understands is
how horrible it feels to be outed, or close it to. Outing makes logical
sense to us when we're older; we know it's better to come out rather than
keep it in. But on an emotional & deeply personal level, ESPECIALLY when
the person is younger or still in the closet, being outed is a terrible
thing to think about. Even before you & Noah were a couple, wouldn't you
have despised the idea of someone who knew about you possibly telling
everyone you know?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"If I were you," he continued, "I wouldn't out them. Tribal mentality
affects us in ways from such little things like outing someone for revenge,
to city gang violence to the war on terror. An eye for an eye, you
know. Just because something is fair doesn't make it just."

I nodded.

"But that's just me," he added. "If you truly feel that his hypocrisy needs
to be met with enlightenment about what it's like to live a life that he's
thought for some time was nothing but shame & disdain, then that's how you
feel. It's understandable. And especially if the fact that it would curb
his harassment, then that makes sense if he's hurting people & this is the
ONLY way to stop him. It makes perfect sense to me. It's just not the path
I'd take. And from the look on your face," he giggled, "it looks like it's
not the path you're gonna take either."

I shook my head. "I just hope he comes out someday before he's too stuck in
this rut of denial & hate."

"Let's all hope for that. Unfortunately, if I had to make an actual
prediction...I'd say it's not gonna happen. Too many people go about their
whole lives living in denial. Sometimes...it becomes too much for them..."
he said. I didn't want to think about what he meant by that.

"Weird," he said.

"What?"

"I would think you'd be going to Noah for questions about all that is
ethical & good," he chuckled.

"Well he's at work," I grinned. "And besides, I classified this more as a
general gay question than an ethical question. And I don't know anyone more
in tune with the ins & outs of the gay world than you."

Mark lifted his invisible top hat & laughed with me. "I suppose it's a
combination of both," he suggested.

"You're probably right."

"For real though, West knows what he is. I don't know if I'd call it denial
so much as I'd call it self-disgust or something like that. Saying it out
loud would confirm it, but for now...he knows what he is. But if he at
least knows it's something you can hold over his head to keep him from
splitting your lip again in the future, then maybe you can kill two birds
with one stone."

"True."

"I gotta go but we can talk more tomorrow. Let's get together sometime, the
five of us. Maybe six if Collin wants to tag along," he laughed.

"Sounds good to me. And thanks for the advice," I smiled.

"No problem," he returned to expression. "Night."

"See ya."

With that, I logged off Skype. As I began shutting down my computer though,
I realized I had never admitted to Mark that I was referring to West at
all! He must have guessed it on his own. Quickly grabbing my phone, I
intended to text him & remind him not to tell anyone...only to remember
everything he'd just told me.

I knew Mark. He wouldn't out someone like that. And thanks to him, I wasn't
about to go outing West to anyone either. As I thought about it, Mark's
words made more & more sense to me. Outing someone wouldn't benefit
anybody, including Noah or me. If anything, the notion of outing someone
would do nothing but imply that being gay was still something of shock
value that can be ridiculed & used against someone. If I pointed & laughed
at West, I'd only have three fingers pointing right back at me for
something that I should know better by now isn't something to be made fun
of.

Except for Noah, the next time I'd see him, this was a secret I knew I'd be
taking to the grave with me.




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