Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2005 20:12:27 -0800 (PST)
From: DE
Subject: Nothing Worth Having is Ever Easy/Chapter 4 Crush

Disclaimer - Everything here in is complete fiction. Any
resemblance to persons, living or dead is entirely
coincidental. All situations are a product of the authors
mind, and is not intended for those who do not like gay
fiction, nor is it intended for those under age or where
such material is not legal. Other wise, have fun and enjoy.

Author's Note at the bottom, not technically important to
read, just some of my thoughts on this chapter and the
others, as well as some info on the story. Not imperative
to read if you don't want to.

Nothing Worth Having is Ever Easy

Chapter 4: Crush

See ya blowin' me a kiss
It doesn't take a scientist
To understand what's going on baby
If you see something in my eye
Let's not over analyze
Don't go too deep with it baby
So let it be what it'll be
Don't make a fuss and get crazy over you and me
Here's what I do, I play it loose
Not like we have a date with destiny

It's just a little crush
Not like I faint every time we touch
It's just some little thing
Not like everything I do depends on you

It's raising my adrenaline
You're bangin' on a heart of tin
Please don't make too much of it baby
Say the word forevermore
That's not what I'm looking for
All I can commit to is maybe
So let it be what it'll be
Don't make a fuss and get crazy over you and me
Here's what I do, I play it loose
Not like we have a date with destiny

It's just a little crush
Not like I faint every time we touch
It's just some little thing
Not like everything I do depends on you

Vanilla skies, white picket fences in your eyes
A vision of you and me

It's just a little crush
Not like I faint every time we touch
It's just some little thing
Not like everything I do depends on you

"Crush" by Jennifer Paige

The last week has been a royal pain in my ass and Ashton
Ross is the center of it. The fuckin faggot is a boil on
the ass of humanity, and where before it was bad enough
that I saw him daily in the halls at school, NOW the little
shit has the nerve to get in with my friends. My bro Clay
has taken him under his win, and turned the whole fucking
football team against me. Hell, he even got the coach to
kick me off the team after Kyle tripped in the locker room.
Stupid idiot broke his arm just cause he wasn't watchin
where he was going and tripped over my foot. And the
biggest surprise was when Clay actually accused me of
tripping Kyle.

But I'm not mad at him. Oh, no. My beef is with the fag and
with Mandy. That bitch has got it comin to, cause not only
did she turn Clay into a fag lover, she's become the little
queer-bait's fag hag. I don't know which one I hate more.
Her for her meddling or him for walking around like he's
still Mr. Meek and Mild, when its so fuckin obvious he's
strutting beside Clay, reveling in his new found
"popularity".

So help me god, the faggot is going down!

Think I should explain some things? Like why I hate him so
much? That's easy, I've been in love with him since the
first time I saw him, and that's why I can't stand him.
Surprised? I know I was, especially now that I've admitted
that I feel that way, but let me explain it all, and then
you should understand better.

He did something to me, when I saw him the first time and I
will never forget it. His ass was the first thing I truly
saw, in these shorts that were a little to short and tight
for a guy 7th grader to be wearing in Middle School, and at
first glance I thought he was a girl.

I was walking in between classes and staring at the ground,
not really paying attention to other people and I glanced
up just a little and my eyes found these incredible,
shapely legs that where void of hair, (he was thirteen
remember and I don't think the pansy had gone through
puberty yet) and then my eyes met these to perfect globes
of an ass that I'd have loved to have been able to grab and
squeeze all night. Then as I looked further up, I saw it
was a boy and I thought I was going to be sick -- until he
turned his head and glanced behind him, and my fuckin heart
stopped. Everything about the way he looked back then was a
more child like version of what he looks like now, and even
now I still get freaked out when I see him.

He thin now, as he was then, but he has a decent build that
looks like he might work out with weights. His arms have
this nice shape to them and his legs are well muscled, but
he's still kind of on the scrawny side. He has the bluest
eyes that have green and yellow in them and brown hair
that's cut really short now. He's got a boyish face and he
looks now like he's fifteen, even though I know in another
week he's going to be eighteen. He's one of those people
who look three years younger than they really are, so you
know when he's twenty-one he's going to have a hell of a
time trying to get into a club or trying to buy booze.

And fuck, he still gets me hard when I see him and I still
dream of him every fucking night, the kid is seriously
stuck in me. I can't get him out of my thoughts and my
fantasies. Don't get me wrong, I aint no fag, cause I've
had plenty of girls. But it's Ash I want. I want to have
him kneeling before me, sucking me off and I want to pound
that sweet little ass of his. I want him to be my little
bitch that wears a skimpy thong around my place, with a
hole cut in the back so I can slip my cock in and fuck him
while he's vacuuming.

But if anyone found out about that, especially my old man,
fuck, he'd kill me long before I'd had to worry about what
other people would think or say. I think that covers it.

Until the little shit mouthed off in class to me and Mr. T
I was fine with just given him shit, but his little tirade
pissed me off, then I get called to the principles office
and threatened with suspension if I don't leave him alone.
The final straw was when Clay took the fuck rag's side.
That was when I had to find him and set him straight.

Didn't do to much of good, because the next day all of the
peeps I thought were my friends turned on me, then I get
placed in the fuckin corner during Drawing because Mr. T is
ass wipe.  AND THEN I come to find out the day after that
the fag is now Clay's new best friend.

I don't really don't know what was worse. The fact that the
fag was walking with Clay or that Clay had his arm around
the fag's shoulder. I wanted so badly to go and knock the
fucker off him.

The fag was MINE.

Which was when I realized that I was going to have to get
him. He was mine and no one, not even my main bro Clay was
going to come between us. I could keep it a secret. I could
keep it all on the down low, and no one would ever have to
know about it.

The real question was how was I going to do it? Well, if
you're going to catch a fag, then that means your going to
have to think like one. So, that night after school, I
started doing my best to think of how to get the fucker. A
week has passed, but until now, thinking about it all
again, I think I know the perfect way to get him, and it's
going to be fuckin perfect. The fucker aint going to know
what happened to him when this was over, and what about
Clay?

The fuck head better stay out of the way, because I'll take
him out if he doesn't. Even though he may have betrayed me
because of his bitch, but I forgive him for it. He aint
fooling no one with his whole waiting for marriage spiel. I
know he's given it to Mandy good. So it aint no surprise he
wants to keep the cunt happy by befriending the fag. Fine.
But even if he was interested in some fag ass, there are
other fags he can have, but Ross was mine.

And if he wanted to argue about it, it was going to be the
last thing he ever did.

Author's Note:

Ok, I had to do this chapter from Bobby Ray's point of
view, because I think it gives more insight into his way of
thinking and what's going on with him. Maybe the
revelations about him could have waited until later, but I
like the idea of giving bits and pieces rather than just
baiting my readers along with half of what's going on. I
think it gives a reader more incentive to keep reading if
they have three-fourths of the truth, rather than half. If
anyone is offended by the way Bobby Ray talks, I apologize
for offending you, but in all honesty, I have met people
like him (maybe they weren't closet cases like Bobby Ray,
but they do exist!) and they can be very harsh in the way
they express themselves. Also, I wanted to escape the
"goodness" you see in Ash and Clay, because lets face it,
not everyone is nice and wonderful. There are some really
twisted and screwed up people out there. I go for as much
realism in my writing as possible, because I like honesty.
I don't want stuff sugar coated because that isn't the way
the world works. This world is rough and grimy, and a pain
in the ass, which is why I think I like "Around My Way" and
"I Hate Anthony so much. Maddy really goes for the realism
of our world and it's a true breath of fresh air.

I know this chapter was short, but think of it like this,
in all honesty, this is Clay and Ash's story (for now at
least *Grins Evilly*) and this has to show just what Bobby
Ray is like, and what he could be capable of. The truth of
it is that this chapter is to foreshadow what's to come in
the future more than anything, and also to satisfy that
evil part of me that's just dying to get out.

Now generally, you could say that both Clay and Ash are two
sides of myself. As with any other writer, some part of a
writer goes into a character, and these two shows how off
the wall I can be with my sarcasm (as in Ash), or how
gentle, unassuming, and more often than not misunderstood I
can be (as in Clay). Bobby Ray is that monstrous "ID" they
talk about in my subconscious, who normally is only
expressed through the evil characters of the Fantasy and
Horror stories I write. The thing with those characters, I
never get to go so deep into what makes them tick as I was
able to with this chapter and Bobby Ray.

I'm rambling I know, but I'm trying to explain why this
chapter was written and why I feel its so important.

Now as you probably noticed, I went with a different type
of music. I need to stress that my music taste is very
eclectic, so there are literally THOUSANDS of songs (On my
other computer, which is NOT connected to the internet I
might add, I have 9,774 music files, I LOVE MUSIC) that
express some kind of emotion, and while Evanescence is the
most prevalent in a lot of this story, you are going to see
some various groups and styles of music. I love Evanescence
because again, there is so much honesty in their music, I
just can't wait for their next album!!!

A last note on the lyrics, they are there for a reason,
just in case some of you are wondering what the hell
they're doing there. Each song has some kind of relavency
to that particular chapter, and its up to the reader to
find their own meaning to it. I'm going to explain here why
I picked the last four songs just in case people wonder
what my thought was. If ya'll want, I can do this in each
chapter.

Chapter 1: Lies -- This song was from their album Origin,
which sadly I do not have but want it badly because it does
have some great songs on it that I was able to have a
friend download for me. I think it's pretty clear that this
song is talking about all the lies that surround Ash, and
even Clay to some extent. Like the fact that no one really
knows anything about Ash, and in all honesty, Ash knows
next to nothing about Clay. If you've gotten this far, I'm
sure you already see that. It all can lean towards all the
things none of us know about our classmates while we're in
school, and form opinions about them based on what we hear
from our friends. I know this is true, because after I
graduated (go class of 2000!!) I met and talked to several
people I never had during school, and found a lot of them
were really cool, when I thought they were total choads in
school. My best friend Laura has had the same experience.
Maybe it takes leaving the high school environments to
finally see that. Maybe for those of you still in school,
you can find a way to break down those barriers.

Chapter 2: Everybody's Fool -- This one to me is so obvious.
Have you ever noticed how the popular kids (I say this
because I was not popular in elementary, Jr High or High
school, in respect to Ash's being ignored, what he's gone
through is almost IDENTICAL to what I went through, all
though a few people did talk to me) look like complete
morons a lot of the time, and yet everyone still seems to
love them? It leaves you wondering why the hell are they so
popular when they acted so stupid and are a lot of the time
really rude? This does kind of go back to "Lies" and that
not every one is as they seem, but it's the point of
getting to a point where you can transcend those boundaries
and see each other for who you really are and not what you
seem to be. This chapter is about Clay realizing he IS
everybody's fool, and its because of how he's let Bobby Ray
dictate who he is and the appearance he shows to other
people (including Ash)

Chapter 3: Going Under -- I think the lyrics speak for
themselves in a way, and at the same time it's a little
difficult to pinpoint what it is about this song that
connects to the story. I *think* it has a lot to do with
Ash wanting to be able to stand on his own with out the
help of others, while at the same time I think he can't
help but except that help. He's been on his own for so
long, that having people pay attention to him gives him
that feeling of "drowning". Since he's so confused by how
"weird" everyone is acting, it just screws with his mind.
That whole paranoid, looking over your back thing. I think
Linkin Park's "Paper Cut" would have worked here just as
well, but I intend to use that in a much later chapter
because it's PERFECT for that chapter.

Chapter 4: Crush -- Ok, originally the chapter that was
supposed to follow going under was "Bring Me To Life", but
then the whole "Bobby Ray thing" got a hold of my hands and
it was moved on to Chapter 5 (*HINT HINT*). This one should
be so obvious to ya'll that I shouldn't have to explain it,
but I will, because I'm just nutty like that!! J So I think
it's obvious from this chapter that Bobby Ray is in LUST
and at the extreme least, has a serious crush on Ash, and
he's so deep in the closet about being in the closet that
he can't admit it even to himself. If you go back and read
the chapter again, you'll see what I'm talking about. THERE
IS NO WAY IN HELL that the guy actually loves Ash, and its
clear from everything he's said, and here's the key to
seeing this. 1) the first thing that Bobby Ray notices is
Ash's legs, THEN his ass. 2) Bobby Ray wants to dominate
Ash and make him into a submissive little bottom boy (but I
ask ya'll honestly, do you see our little Ash being that?)
and finally 3) Bobby Ray talks about Ash as if he is a
sexual object. Nice legs, nice ass, cute face. That's the
gist of what the guy sees. He doesn't see who Ash is on the
inside, he only see the physical part. The end result, he
is in lust, and what's more, he has no desire what so ever
to know what's in Ash's head. All he wants is to get the
guy in bed. OK, I'm done, sorry I got carried away.

Just to clarify some things, and give you a little insight
on the characters and where they (and by extension I) live.
This story is set in my hometown in the High Desert of
California, a few hours north of LA. Where I live, there
are A LOT of Red Necks (which, by the way, Bobby Ray is ß
hello! The name, total Red Neck!! LOL) and I'm not ashamed
to say that my father's side of the family is nothing but
what I like to call "Californiaized, City and Desert
living" Red Necks. Jeff Foxworthy said it best when he said
that, and I quote: "There are Red Necks everywhere you go,
its not just the South." (And coincidentally my dad's
family comes from Alabama{cringes}, Oklahoma, Atlanta and
Texas)

Then you look at my mom's side of the family, and they are
from New York, and the rich snobby people you see in high
society. You could say I got screwed on the family side of
life, because where my parent accept me, the rest of the
family are ALL dicks (well except one or two, but you get
the idea). When it comes to holidays and family get
togethers  I'm conveniently left out. It sucks, but that's
the way its been since I came out when I was 18, and I
think what you see in Ash and his school situation, is a
reflection of my family situation.

Sorry I got off topic. But yeah, they live in the high
desert, the high school is totally made up, and I'm still
on the fence on revealing exactly where I live. Some
interesting points that you don't know yet, but might
already have assumed: Ash, Clay and Bobby Ray are all only
children (not me though, I have a younger sister who is
married in lives in the mid-west). Ash is a Scorpio (can we
say dugh? LOL oh! And Ash and I share the same birth date!)
Clay is a Cancer and Bobby Ray is an Aries. If anyone wants
to know anything else let me know.

Sorry I got so into this, but I wanted to share my thoughts
and hopefully answer any questions. Comments and feedback
are welcome, but I say this here and now, I already know
how this is going to turn out and I'm not going to deviate
from that. Something I've noticed from a few writers I've
talked to before who've posted on line, is that they have
readers telling them how to write, and I even had some one
(who shall remain anemones) actually have the gall to try
and tell me how they wanted to see this whole thing
written. And they weren't kidding neither, they seriously
expected me to write the story the way they told me to.
Sadly I deleted it after I responded to it, but at the time
I was just so pissed off I couldn't stand to look at it.
The point is I didn't appreciate it, and I wrote the person
back to tell them so. I'm writing this mainly for me, as is
anything I write. Its because I enjoy it and I want to put
my thoughts down on paper. But I also do it for you the
readers, because I want you to enjoy it. The only way you
can enjoy it is if you let it run its own course. If your
not happy with the way I'm doing it, write your own. And I
mean that in the nicest way because that was part of the
reason I decided to deviate from my normal, straight-laced
Fantasy genre. I've been reading stuff like Nifty and Fan
Fiction for over 7 years, and I wanted to do my own story,
the way I wanted to see it done. The freedom I feel with
this is liberating to say the least.

If I've offended anyone, I apologize for that, but I can't
apologize for being honest. This is who I am, and I cannot,
and will not change for anyone. Other wise I wouldn't be
who I am, nor would I write my stories the way I do. I hope
I haven't turned anyone off and ya'll stick around for the
end, because even though I have said this may take me a
while to get through, it's going to be one hell of a ride!

Thank you all and good night!

Copyright 2005