Date: Sat, 05 Feb 2005 23:33:58 -0500
From:
Subject: On My Radio

	"There is no god, and anyone who believes there to be one is a
delusional weirdo - and now this is the Dave Matthew's Band with Ants
Marching on KDYS " I said as I as I flipped down the mic switch on the
board at our high school radio station. My on air partner Chad, a devout
Christian sat next to me reading his Bible, he reacted "Tom, why did you
say that?" he said to me, to be honest I wasn't sure. For several months
and to some extent years I had been struggling with my own sexuality, and
after having gone though a brief period of internal pride about the fact
that I liked boys (I NEVER be one of those gay people.) I had settled into
a dark valley of superficial denial and depression. It was in this
burdensome fog that I lashed out at anyone and everyone as the source of my
problems, little did I know that a solution to that which tormented me was
sitting right beside me in more ways than one. But at the time this was
only swirling inside my head.

	My only joy all through high school was working in the radio
station, some days I wrote news scripts and other days I hosted radio
shows, but I always borrowed my respective co-host's CD's as my own
collection was quite meager. I wasn't the smartest kid there ever was,
mostly because I refused to do much of my homework out of some sort of
rebellion against authority, rather than any lack of understanding (I for
example read three newspapers a day). I'm of average height about 5 '10 and
have brown hair and hazel eyes. I never thought of myself as attractive in
either a mental or emotional sense ever, I was just too mediocre for anyone
to ever want. Then through the random chance that was high school class
assignments, I was partnered with Chad for Second Period Radio in senior
year. He was a year behind me, though only about an inch shorter with curly
blond hair and a wry smile. We proved to get on well, he let me borrow his
rather extensive music collection for use on my show, which in time became
our show. We would spend the days just acting silly or playing They Might
Be Giants or Louis Armstrong and singing along to the delight of the tiny
band of listeners our four hundred-fifty watt signal attracted. I came to
know Chad as a man possessed of a deep and very personal Christian faith,
active in his church youth group and knowledgeable about all manner of
things. I delighted in being around him, and he seemed to spare no praise
for me either at one point telling me that he had never met anyone as funny
and charming as I was, at the time I thanked him and didn't think anything
further of it.

One day in early Spring I just decided that someone needed to understand
the pain that I was going through so on a day that Chad was home sick I
flicked on the microphone and made the following statement. "Ladies and
Gentlemen, some have said that God hated fags, we'll I am here to tell you
that God loves fags and I know this from my personal experience." What
possessed me to do this I've not got a clue, perhaps it should be filed
under things that sounded like a good idea at the time. Sitting in shock at
what I had just announced the world suddenly the phone rang. I paused for a
while before answering it, but when I picked up it was Chad's mom, a woman
I had never met. She said "I just called to tell you that what you said was
very beautiful and Chad absolutely thinks the world of you." Very touched I
told her that Chad made me feel like no one else could, that I care about
him very, very deeply, in a way that I can't describe (I'd didn't know what
love was at the time). She said that he would like nothing more than for me
to tell him that, and then I asked if I had been too mushy, she replied
that the truth was never too mushy. While I seemingly could announce to the
world essentially that I was gay, I couldn't tell the person who had become
the most important family member in my life.

One day quite out of nowhere, Chad asked "Tom, do you find me attractive?"
I was unsure of the proper response in this situation, or rather a response
that wouldn't expose me as one of those weird faggots. I tottered
back-and-forth before answering "I don't know- why do you want to know
anyway?" He said, "Because I really care about you" in kind of a whiny,
timid voice that I had never heard before. I froze I wasn't sure what I
should do, what I did next surprised even me. I said how would you like to
go out for coffee say this Thursday? As I said this visions of the green
marble tables at Bella Brew and of a passionate kiss filled my head. He
responded with both curiosity and excitement in his voice "you mean, like a
date?" he asked tentatively, I thought for a second and then mumbled "I
don't know" - I got scared and I would regret the action I had just
taken. For much of the rest of the semester I would flirt with him and he
would ask me if I was gay, and always without looking at him I would
respond "absolutely not" and if he would try to push it I would declare the
conversation over. Following one of these occasions are once jovial banter
become only conversations that were absolutely necessary for the smooth
running of the station.

On my last day of high school I was looking forward to the beginning of my
new life, but I was also extremely sad that I would leave Chad and our lost
potential behind. On that last day as more Dave Matthew's Band streamed
through the speakers I asked Chad why he had largely stopped speaking to
me, and what had happened to our relationship (the term I used). He would
only say that I had hurt him, and when pressed he said he didn't want to
talk about it.  With tears filling my eyes I lied through my teeth, saying
that I had no idea what he was talking about but that I hoped he would
forgive me for any hurt I had caused him. I then asked for a hug which he
awkwardly gave, and as I turned to leave I said "Chad, you will find the
right man for you someday, I have no doubt." I closed the door behind me
and never saw Chad again. Curiously enough while my love for Chad was never
allowed to take its course do to my own fear, I can thank Chad in a small
part for making me the person I am today. For from being the depressed and
angry atheist that I was then I have found peace in the very thing that
comforted Chad, Christianity. Namely, the United Church of Christ, which I
have found, is welcoming and full of history and tradition without being
overly dogmatic. This spiritual home of mine has enabled me to be more at
ease with being gay and I have been active in my campus GLBT group through
my time here at college. Unrequited love in never a waste, if I had never
felt the love I felt for Chad, who knows the kind of person I would be
today.