Date: Sat, 04 Jun 2005 22:39:13 +0200
From: marc p <citizentoo@hotmail.com>
Subject: "on our way to fame" chapter 10a (revised)

The following story is entirely a work of fiction.

The story below is a love story and involves sex between adult males. If
that offends you, I wonder how you ended up here! All the usual rules apply,
if it's illegal for you to read this, don't, and if you're under 18, I
suppose it's time for you to leave unfortunately.
Again, my first language is not English, so if you see any mistakes, ignore
them or correct me if you want lol

Thank you for sticking with the story, I hope you all continue to enjoy it.
Please keep sending your comments. I want to thank the readers who have
written so far and I encourage all those of you who haven't to drop me a
line and tell me what you think.
citizentoo@hotmail.com

I decided to break chapter ten in two parts because I ended up writing
something much longer than I had originally intended. So here come chapter
10 part a.
And now, the show must go on!

-------
chapter 10 part A


At the end of October, Tom let us take four days off so we could go back
home. It was a really short break but it was still better than no break at
all. We had been gone for 5 months already and I felt like we had become
much more mature. We had always been pretty mature for our age anyway but
some things in life make you grow up faster than you're supposed to and what
we were experiencing with the band was definitely forcing us to behave like
adults. We had met and talked to so many people, done so many things, been
involved in many different situations we would have never thought possible
only a couple of years before. It was almost as if we had done in five
months what most people do in a few years.
So it was nice to come back to a more familiar environment.
Dylan wanted to see his girlfriend and the guys all wanted to see their
parents again. Me, I was happy to see Rob's family. Now, there was something
wrong with that but that was how I felt.

Rob and I were a little disappointed because we were not gonna be home for
our anniversary. We had to leave a couple of days before the actual date but
it was close enough.
When we landed in Dublin, friends, families and a few fans greeted us at the
airport. God knows how our fans knew we would be on this plane but whatever!
It was awesome to see so many people wait for us at the airport.

I had told the guys about Rachel so they knew. Nothing special to tell you
here, except that they were stunned, which was predictable and also that as
soon as they found out, they teased me about it 10 times a day! I guess
that's why I was so reluctant to tell them sooner.

Rachel was over six months pregnant but she wasn't really as huge as she had
told me. She was definitely glowing with health and you could see she was
happy. I think we had both really accepted it and we were more and more
anxious to see what was next.
She had also found out about the sex of the baby a few weeks before, but
when she tried to call me, I couldn't answer because I had left my phone in
our dressing room. We were rehearsing for a TVshow that was going to be
recorded with an audience a few hours later and things were a bit hectic.
The set up was really bad, the people in charge just didn't seem to know
what the hell they were doing. We couldn't use our own instruments and the
sound checks we had done so far were just appalling. It was just not going
well. Anyway, for some reason, she decided to call Rob and asked him to tell
me. I was standing next to him when she did and I heard the conversation. I
knew what they were talking about so I asked Rob to give me the phone but he
smiled and started walking backstage and tried not to give it to me. I
finally grasped it and asked her impatiently
"Hey, so? do you know?"

"Maybe" she said in such a way that I immediately understood she was not
gonna tell me without having a little fun of her own first

"Oh come on Rach, don't do that, just tell me"

"Oh sorry, I have to go, my mum's waiting for me. I'll call you later!" and
she hung her, just like that.

"Did she tell you?" I asked Rob curiously and he smiled at me ...meaning...
he
knew

"So?" I asked impatiently

"Are you sure you want to know?" He asked

"Of course, I want to know"

He wrapped his arms around my waist which made me look around to make sure
no one was paying attention to what we were doing and he asked mischievously
"what exactly are you willing to do to get that information out of me?"

I gave him a puzzled look "Are you using this to get me to put out? cos Rob,
you really don't need to. You know I'm a big slut" I joked. He laughed and
let go of me. I couldn't read him and it was annoying me, I didn't know if
he didn't want to tell me because he knew I wanted a boy and it was a girl
or because he knew it was a boy and he wanted to make me think it was a
girl.

"What? Is it a girl? It's a girl, isn't it?" I asked already trying to get
used to the idea

"Rob, come here" Dylan screamed. Damn, not now, I thought.
"where is your microphone?  Oh man, this is so messed up. It's way too loud.
It's the worse sound check ever! ROB! COME HERE"

He hurried toward Dylan and left me standing there, desperate to know and
started working again. For two hours after that, we kept rehearsing, trying
to solve every problem one by one but as soon as we managed to fix
something, something else went wrong. I kept asking him to tell me whenever
I could talk to him for a few seconds but he kept saying that he'd tell me
when we'd be done.

So I stopped bringing it up and tried to make it look like I didn't care. I
could wait. I had other stuff to think about anyway. But I could tell he saw
I was faking it. When we got back to our dressing room to change and get
ready for the recording, I sat on a chair and sighed, exasperated, as I
untied my shoes. Rob came up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders.
Thank god, he was not the kind of guy who takes a malicious pleasure in
torturing his boyfriend's mind so he leaned forward and whispered in my ear,

"It's a boy" I turned around and looked up at him smiling but sceptic
"really?"
He happily shook his head yes and I stood up" I'm gonna have a boy?"

"yep" he smiled
I hugged him and we jumped up and down, exhilarated. I was so happy, I
couldn't stop smiling. I took his face in my hands and gave him a kiss
before looking up and whispering "Thank you"
Rob laughed and the guys who were in the dressing room with us joined the
commotion. We had talked a lot about it and despite all the teasing, they
were being really supportive and they understood the situation. They knew
where I stood with Rachel and with Rob and yeah, they were very
understanding about it. Man, I really loved my friends.

"really? a boy? Hehe you must be relieved" Jordan laughed. He hugged me and
gave me a high five "that's cool, I'd rather see a little Mark around than a
little Rachel" he joked "can you imagine, another Rachel?" He faked a scared
look and we laughed

Rob hugged me again, his chest against my back and I turned around to kiss
him. I looked into his eyes, still smiling and kissed him lightly
"You're ok?" I asked
"Yeah sure, I'm happy for you. And for me. I was kind of hoping you'd have a
boy too. I can't wait to rebuilt my Lego space ships" he kidded.

That was like his favorite game as a kid. He loved building cool stuff and
play with the lego guys. That and any games involving balls. Not that kind
of balls you pervs. I mean, soccer, gaelic football, basketball, handball,
volleyball, tennis... he had always loved balls, he still does, including
mine
hehe. Me, I was much more into cars, police cars, firemen trucks,
racetracks, remote-controlled cars, I had a collection of small cars...but
he
played cars with me and I played ball with him.
Anyway...
I hugged him tight and told him I loved him.

---------

We arrived in Dublin around 11am and spent almost an hour in the airport
signing autographs and chatting with people who were there specially to see
us. I wondered if we would always be so friendly if we had to do this every
time we arrived somewhere in the future, but for now, we were happy to do it
and I was pretty sure it was something we would always like to do. The fans
were the ones who really made it possible and they deserved all the
attention we could give them.
We went home and spent the day going from houses to houses. I spent an hour
with Rob and Rachel at her place then we went to Jordan's. Dylan came over
with Elaine and we left and went to Damon's place. And that's pretty much
all we did all afternoon. It was so nice to be home. Elaine and Dylan were
all over each other and it looked like he was gonna get some as soon as
they'd be alone. Elaine was a cool chick, a bit flaky but she was perfect
for him because he was the exact opposite. Opposites attract each other,
right?  Yeah, Dylan was centered and mature, she was crazy. They were cute
together. Dylan was definitely glowing.

Around 6, we all went home to spend the evening with our families and I
stayed with Rob's. But still, I was home, and I felt bad about not at least
going over to my place and say hi. During the afternoon, no one was there,
but around 6.30, I stepped outside and saw they were home.

Rob's mother had left to go get something in the shop and I told Rob I was
gonna go over to my place before dinner, just to see hi and see what would
happen. He asked me if I wanted him to come with me but I told him I'd
rather go alone. I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing. I didn't even want
to see them. I guess I was just hoping I would step in there and find
completely different people. There was still a slight part of me who hoped
things could change. I wished my mum would just realize she had missed me
and would hug me and tell me she loved me ... how wrong was I!

I went over there with a pit in my stomach and rang the doorbell like I was
a complete stranger.
My brother opened the door and asked aggressively

"Qu'est-ce tu fous la?"

"That's nice to see you too Thomas ... we're back in town for a few days. I
thought I'd pass by. Is mum here?"

"ca y est, tu sais plus parler francais? Elle a pas envie de te voir,
retourne chez ton mec" he said and started closing the door. I stopped him
from slamming the door into my face and asked

"Quoi?" if you didn't get that, he had told me to go back to my boyfriend
and I couldn't believe it.

"casse toi je t'ai dis, on veut pas de pédé ici"

"what are you talking about ?" I asked stepping in. Did he know?
At the same time, my mother appeared from the kitchen and kind of stopped in
her tracks when she saw me

"Mark ! ... I didn't know you were coming back. How are you?"

"I'm fine"

"that's, that's good" she stared at me for a few seconds and said coldly
"look, you're father should be here soon. I think it'd be best if you
weren't here when he comes back"

"yeah, so get the hell out of here" Thomas yelled at me putting his hand on
my shoulder and pushing me, making me lose my balance for a sec

"thomas, stay out of this. Come in the kitchen with me for a few minutes
Mark, we need to talk"

I wasn't sure I wanted to. This was definitely not going as I had hoped. I
walked up to her and Thomas shot me a poisonous look and grumbled really
nasty stuff that I don't even want to repeat, as he walked upstairs. I had
no idea what was going on but apparently they knew. I followed her into the
kitchen and she asked,

"So, is it true Mark?"

"What is?" I replied pretending I had no idea what she was asking me

"I don't understand. What are you trying to do to me? I didn't raise you to
be
a sinner" oh that was going well

"What do you know mum?" I asked worried and nervous

"Jane told me you and her son were ... what do you want? do you want to burn
in hell ?" ok, even better!  I -couldn't- believe Rob's mum had told her.
Talk about betrayal, she knew my mother would never approve of this, how
could she have told her? I was stunned and mad, but I immediately realized
that if she knew, I had to use the opportunity to make things clear with
her. If she didn't want to talk to me ever again, well, that wouldn't make a
big difference.

"I'm not gonna burn in hell because I'm in love with someone"

She put her hand over her mouth and shook her head no like it was the most
awful thing she had ever heard me say
"This cannot be true. In love? oh please, don't be ridiculous. I don't even
want you to explain yourself. But whatever was going on with that boy, I
know it's over and I'm glad you have realized that what you were doing was
wrong"

"have I?" I asked incredulously

"I had a chat with Rachel's mum and she told me her daughter was pregnant
with... Is this true? Are you really the father?" Man, she knew everything.
Was every mother in the neighbourhood ganging up on me or something?
"she wanted to know how I had taken the news. And I didn't even know. How do
you think that made me feel? You could have told me about this"

I looked at her disdainfully, making it pretty clear I didn't give a shit
how it had made her feel
"It was none of your business" I snapped back. I knew I was being mean, but
I was so angry, I couldn't help it.

"none of my business? ok mark, I don't know what is going on with you
lately but I really don't like what you're doing with your life. First you
just leave the country doing god knows what with those boys and now Rachel?
I will not tolerate this. What is this all about? This has got to stop. You
need to find a real job, get married and raise your family like God expects
of you. You've got to face up to your responsibilities." She said
authoritatively

"yeah you wish! and why don't I become a fucking priest too" I retorted,
and I'm sure you could probably see smoke coming out of ears too

"Watch your language, will you! You're lucky your father isn't here. What is
wrong with you? I am still your mother and I would like you to treat me with
the respect I deserve and do what I tell you to do"

"and you don't think I deserve the same respect from you ? look, this is
-my- life alright, I'm not a child anymore, you can't force me to do
anything I don't want to do. What did you think? That you were gonna control
my every move for the rest of my life? I'm sorry but you lost that privilege
a long time ago. It's a bit too late to start acting like a mother." I
screamed at her

"I don't understand what is going on in your head, but I don't like what I'm
hearing. You're gonna have to put your life back in order and you'd better
do it quickly. Now that you're back, you can start changing a few things.
Please tell me you are involved with this girl"

"I'm not back, I'm leaving again in a couple a days. You want to know what's
going on in my head? Oh man, that could take a while. Ok, first of all, I'm
gay, homosexual, queer, pede, whatever you wanna call it"
She looked at me with an incredibly hurt expression that almost made me stop
talking because I wasn't sure she could hear more but what the hell! I
thought I might as well get it over with, I had already lost her respect
anyway.

"And I am in love with Robbie. I don't care whether or not you approve of
this because it's my life and I can do whatever I want. And second of all,
yes, rachel --is-- pregnant with me but don't expect me to marry her,
because
I won't" She was utterly shocked but I was determined to stand up to her.

"you cannot possibly be serious about this. This is ridiculous. You cannot
raise a child like that, you have to be with her and support her"

"I will, but it doesn't mean I have to marry her"

"Of course it does. Ohhh what happened to you? I never should have let you
spend time with these people. How can Jane let her son live in sin like
this? They turned you into ..."

"into what?" I asked, looking at her with contempt
"You just don't get it, do you? You know, these people, like you call them,
they gave me love, so much more love than you ever did. All I ever had here
were hatred and punches and punishments. I was never happy here, do you at
least realize this? Do you realize how hard it was to grow up in this house?
If they hadn't been there for me, you and your so called strict education
would have completely screwed me up"

"Mark, would you please calm down and try to understand that you cannot keep
doing this. You have this girl, you're gonna have this baby, you have
everything you need to make things right and to be a good Christian"

"except that I'm gay" I said with confidence

"No, I will not listen to anymore of this. You can't be. I'm ashamed of you.
It's a sin and I will not allow my son to live in sin. God will punish you
if you don't change"

I stood still and shook my head in disbelief. She was so ignorant and the
worse thing was that I knew there was nothing I could do to make her change.
I stared at her and played my last card, giving her an ultimatum

"Look, I won't change. I can't change. I will always be gay. So it's up to
you, whether you decide that I'm still your son and that you love me for who
I am like a normal loving mother would do, or you don't and I'll just walk
out that door and never come back. So what is it gonna be?" I asked even if
I already knew the answer. She looked at me like I had completely lost my
mind

"Mark, would you please open your eyes and see what God expects of you. God
loves you but you have to make him proud"

I chuckled and looked right into her eyes and asked, "and what about you?
Does that work for you too? If I don't make you proud, then you just don't
love me" I asked with a little more emotion in my voice than I wanted to
show

"you're my son, but what you're doing with your life is unacceptable. I
won't..."

"but?" I interrupted her "there shouldn't be any but. I'm out of here ..." I
rushed over to the front door and screamed before reaching it "See you in
hell"
I stormed out of the house, slamming the door hard behind me. As soon as I
left, I felt the tears start to fall from my eyes. I didn't want to lose it
in front of her but I couldn't repress them anymore. I knew she was wrong,
ignorant, blind, stubborn, whatever, but man, it still hurt.

I saw Rob's mother enter the house with a bag of groceries and I walked over
to the front door faster. I stepped in and found her in the kitchen. I
rushed over to her and asked furiously  "how could you tell her?"

"what? ... oh my god, were you just with your parents? Mark, what happened?"
she asked worried

"what do you think happened?"

"ohh no, I'm so sorry mark, I didn't think you would go over there tonight.
I wanted to tell you that she knew first"

"what? She told your m... you told his mother about us? Mum, what were you
thinking?" Rob screamed at her

I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to be alone and cry my eyes out. It
was affecting me much more than I wanted to. I raced upstairs and Rob called
after me but I kept going and collapsed on his bed, crying silently. What a
come back!

After only a few seconds, Rob came into the room and tried to get as close
to me as he could. I could tell he was hesitant and scared that I would push
him away. He rubbed my back and when he saw I was letting him, he spooned
against me and held me. His hand started caressing mine and he said,

"I'm sorry. I can't even imagine how you must feel, what happened over
there? What did she say?"

"Basically, she thinks that if I don't marry Rachel and straightens out, I'm
gonna burn in hell"

« what? she knows about Rachel too? Jeez I can't believe my mother didn't
tell me about this. "

"She hates me. She's my mother, she should love me unconditionally but she
hates me. She actually told me I was gonna burn in hell. Can you believe
that?"

"I'm sorry ... you...you know that's not true, right?" he asked as he
continued
caressing my hand

"I guess" I sighed

"Mark..."

"It's just..." I started saying, rolling over to look at him. "I'm sure that
I
won't, and she's sure that I will. Who's right?" I asked

We were silent for a few seconds. I peered into his eyes and saw uncertainty
but confidence too.
"She's stuck in her faith, she can't see beyond that," he replied, pushing
back my hair to caress my forehead. "Mark I have never ever felt like we do
something wrong when we make love and I know you haven't either. Just trust
your feelings and believe in yourself. Doesn't matter who's right or wrong
in the end as long as you do what's right for you and stay true to yourself.
You gotta do what makes you happy, not what makes other people happy. You're
an amazing person, if she can't see that, it's just too bad for her. Don't
let her hurt you like that"

I sighed and reach up to wipe my eyes
"so I guess that's it, I don't have a family anymore"

"You've got me. I'll always be there for you, you'll never have to take it
alone. And you've got my parents and your friends and you're gonna have a
baby. You're not alone"

"I know. But it still hurts. I don't deserve to be treated like this by my
own family" I wrapped my arms around him and held him in a bear hug, crying
a little. I couldn't stop the tears from filling my eyes.

His mother came in the room quietly and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Mark, sweetie, I'm so sorry, I made a mistake and I should have told you
that she knew. I guess I was kind of hoping she would come around"

"Mum, why did you tell her? You know how she is" rob told her

"She found out about Rachel. Apparently, Rachel's mum told her that you and
her were not in a relationship. She was very confused. She asked me if I
knew what was going on with you, why you were not coming back here to be
with her. I thought I could make her understand. I'm sorry, I know I
shouldn't have told her, it was really not my place to do it" she apologized

"don't worry" I said, sitting down on the bed. "I'm not mad at you. You were
just trying to help. That's what you've always done and I can't thank you
enough for that. Sometimes I think you love me more than my own parents do".
I said, sniffing and wiping my eyes again

"we do love you mark. You know you're another son to me"

"At least now, things are out in the open. I know what to expect. She'll
never understand. I guess it's time to break off all relations with them.
They probably don't want to see me ever again anyway and neither do I"

"oh god. I'm so sorry. I don't understand how she can turn her back on her
own son like this. Do you want me to try and talk to her again? Maybe it can
help"

"I don't think so. Do whatever you think is best. But I don't want to talk
to her ever again. I'm tired of getting hurt, so I really don't think it's
worth it"

"I understand. You seem to be the only one who always tries to make things
better. I guess there's a limit to everything. It's just such a shame that
it had to go this far. Maybe she needs some time to think things over".

"when did you tell her?"

"oh it's very recent, only a couple of weeks ago. Give her some time to
adjust to the situation, she might feel differently in a few weeks"

"I don't think that she will. But even if she does, she'll have to take the
first
step and I just know that she won't"

"I'm sorry, but I'm here for you if you need anything"

"don't be sorry. It had to happen someday. You know you've been more like a
mother to me than my mother ever was. I should really thank you for
everything that you've done for me"

"you don't have to thank me for anything. I told you, you're like a son to
me. I feel like I practically raised you"

"I think you did yeah. I've learned so much more from you than I've learned
from them. I don't think I'd be the person I am today if you hadn't been
there for me"

She hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, "oh, don't make me cry"
"Ok, I'll leave you two alone. You're going to be ok?" she asked me rubbing
my back, tears in her eyes.

"yeah, thank you" she kissed me again and smiled at Rob.

She patted me on the knee and said "it will be ok sweetie"

She left and I looked at Rob with a sort of resigned expression on my face.
"Come here" he said. We lay on the bed and I buried my face in his chest. I
hugged him tight, wrapping my arms and legs around him as he ran his fingers
through my hair. We must have stayed like that for about 20 minutes, not
saying anything. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted him to hold me and he
did just that. He seemed to always know what to do to make me feel better.
It seemed as though he had always known since we were kids, what to do to
make me feel better. He had always done his best to take care of me when I
needed him to. He had shared everything he had with me, his parents, his
bed, his toys and now he was giving me his love. I felt so blessed to have
him in my life.

He held me close and after a while he whispered, "I wanted to give you your
present on our anniversary but now seems like the right time. I'll be right
back" He took my arm in his hand and made me loosen my grip on him. He
climbed down the bed and I lay on my back, feeling really down and waited
for him to come back. When he did, he was holding a present in his hand.

"Here, happy anniversary" He said, placing the present next to me on the
bed. I raised myself up on my elbows and he leaned forward and gave me a
light kiss as he looked into my eyes
"I'm gonna go downstairs now" he said, "I need to talk to my parents. Take
your time. Come down whenever you're ready"

I sat down on the bed. I didn't want him to leave.
"Why? stay with me"

"No, you need to be alone, but I'm not far, I love you" He took my hand in
his and kissed me again. He got up from the bed and only let go of my hand
when it was no longer possible to hold it. He walked away and left the
bedroom, closing the door behind him and I looked at the wrapped present.
What could possibly be in there that made him think I had to be alone?

I unwrapped it gently and revealed an 8 pictures frame. I smiled broadly as
I looked at them. It was definitely putting me in a better mood.
On the first picture, we were babies lying together in the same playpen,
looking adorable.
The second one was a picture I had never seen before. And it was just the
cutest thing. We were probably 4, maybe 5 years old. We were sitting really
close to each other under the kitchen table in Rob's house almost kissing. I
was kind of glancing at the camera and Rob was leaning towards me, his lips
on my cheek, millimeters away from my mouth. He had probably been whispering
something in my ear and I had turned my head a little at the same time that
the picture was taken but it really looked like we were about to kiss. It
was so cute.

The others were pictures of the two of us at different ages of our lives.
The last one was a picture that I remembered was taken by his mother the day
we left for London. He probably asked his mother to gather a few pictures of
the two of us for him.
I stared at them for the longest time, smiling, remembering so many things,
so many good times, everything we had shared together until I pressed my
hand under the frame and felt something. I turned it over and saw a white
envelope attached to the back of the frame with the words "open me" written
on it.
I took it in my hands and opened it carefully. Inside was a letter. I
unfolded it and immediately recognized Rob's neat handwriting and I started
reading,


              [I know I have told you this a million times already, but I
can never get tired of telling you. I love you. I have always loved you and
I will always love you. You're my boyfriend, my lover, my soul mate, my
partner, my brother but before anything, you're my best friend. The best
friend I could ask for. I love you more than words can say but I'm going to
try and tell you in words again, forever written down.

My mum found that picture of us where we're under the kitchen table. I just
love it.
We were 5. Isn't it adorable? You know, back then, I couldn't understand it,
I couldn't put a word on it, but I already loved you. I just remember it so
vividly.
>From the age of, I think 7 to the age of 12, I have such strong memories of
how I felt when you were around. Before I even realized what it all meant. I
was just so much happier when I was with you. You've always been such a
great, faithful and rock-steady friend.

I always wanted to be with you, to play with you, to sleep with you. I used
to pray every night that you would come into my bed and sleep with me even
if I knew what it meant when you did. I knew it wasn't good times for you.
It made me ache so much to see you hurt, I hated it, I wanted to do
everything I could to make you feel better. I hope you could feel it. I
wanted you to be safe and happy.
But you know what I've always loved about you? It's how no matter the
problems you had to go through with your parents, no matter how hard they
made it on you, you never let it get to you. You always seemed to rise
above. You were always cheerful in spite of your suffering. You are such a
strong and positive person, I love that. No matter the difficulties, you
always find a way to overcome them, in everything that you do. You never
admit defeat.

And I also love your concern for others. You've always been the peacemaker
in the group, always finding the right words to patch things up between us
when we fight. I guess all the fights you had to put up with with your
family made you want to avoid them at all costs with your friends. You know,
I love those guys, I think it's pretty amazing that the 5 of us have managed
to stay steady friends for so long. 18 years of friendship, yeah that's
something, and I know we'll be friends for life now but I truly believe we
have you to thank. I'm not sure we'd be as close friends as we are now
without you. You kept us from drifting apart so many times in the past. I
wish your parents could open their eyes for two seconds and see what an
amazing person you are. I guess they're just too wrapped up in themselves to
care. But for what it's worth, I'm thankful they brought you into this
world. It's just too bad for them if they can't see your beautiful soul. But
I do, and my family too. You know they love you, they really do. I hope you
know that you can count on them as much as I can.

Do you remember the first time you came over to my place because of your
parents? I do. We were 7 and you came over late in the evening crying and
hurt. I felt so bad for you. I asked my mum to let you stay the night. She
asked me to let you sleep in my bed so you could have a good night sleep and
she put a mattress on the floor for me. We never used it. You asked me if I
wanted to share the bed with you. We talked for a long time that night. I
remember it like it was yesterday. Do you? That's the night I fell in love
with you.
Sure, I didn't know it back then, I couldn't understand why I had these kind
of feelings for you. I did think you were cute though. I should have seen it
coming! I really think it was love, not just friendship.
You know why? Because I remember thinking I wouldn't mind trading families
to make sure you wouldn't get hurt. I honestly used to think that.

You know what's weird too? I can't even remember ever wanting to hurt you. I
mean I remember being mad at Jordan all the time, Damon too. We used to
fight to the point where I was so pissed at them, I actually wanted to hurt
them. But with you, I don't think I ever did, even when we played practical
jokes on each other! Remember how far it could go? Always trying to get our
revenge. God the stuff we used to come up with, you were always really smart
about it, I could almost never see it coming. But it usually made me laugh
more than it made me mad. Hey, why don't we do this anymore? Are we too old
for them? I don't think that we are. We were really good at making all sort
of mischief. I guess we're just too busy making out or having sex now!

God, I just remember so many good times, our games, our talks, our fights, I
loved them all, even our fights. You've always been fun to argue with anyway
and we never stayed mad at each other more than a few minutes, remember? We
still don't. yeah, I think we have this capacity to  forgive each other
really quickly, don't we?
You know, when we were growing up, I have always felt a little bit different
and I always did my best to hide it by showing off. I can't really explain
it, it was just a feeling I had. Like there was a little part of me that I
couldn't let people see. But you could see it. I never felt different around
you. I never had to pretend to be someone I was not. You have always
understood me. And we've always had the same interests. I knew that whatever
I wanted to do, you would go along with it and vice versa. I knew I was
always going to have fun if I played with you.

I still feel like that today. Sometimes I feel like you're a part of me.
Does that sound corny? It does, doesn't it? But it's true.
By spending so much time together, we've come to know each other inside out.
We've told each other our deepest secrets and our wildest dreams and now
we're making them come true. I know we can never know absolutely everything
about each other but I still feel like I'm connected to you in some way.
It's like we're living in our own little world, somewhere else, somewhere no
one else can go. I love that place! Now you must think I lost my mind!

It's just, without you, I don't feel like I'm quite the same person. I
always try to be better for you. Do you know that? You encourage me to
become a better person every day. You bring out the best in me. You may not
realize it but I wouldn't have done half of what I've done with the band in
the past few months if you hadn't been kicking me in the ass all the time.
It's not so much something that you've done or said. It's just that you
motivate me just by being with me, you know what I mean? You don't have to
ask or push me to do anything, just the fact that you're around, that I know
you love me and have faith in me, and expects things of me, makes me want to
do them and be the best. You make me feel so special.
You have always done that for me. I've always wanted to be perfect for you,
not to let you down. I probably shouldn't tell you this, should I ?
You know, that's why I was scared of telling you I was gay. I didn't want
you to think I was weird or abnormal or something.

But I remember how you transformed the scariest day of my life into the most
amazing one. I remember lying next to you in bed, scared shitless that I
would destroy everything between us, that I would ruin our friendship, but I
would have never thought that me telling you could change things between us
the way it has. You know I think I must have realized I was gay when I was
just 13, which means almost two years of secretly loving you, wanting you
and idolizing you without working up the courage to tell you. I was keeping
it deep inside me, like a terrible secret, never to be told. At that time, I
honestly thought I could never ever tell you. I don't know what got into me
that day. I guess that deep down, I knew I could trust you, I knew you would
understand.

I just needed to tell you everything. I so wanted to kiss you, hold you and
touch you. God, you were driving me crazy. I couldn't concentrate in class
because I couldn't stop fantasizing about you all the time and I just
couldn't control my erections. I couldn't sleep properly when you were with
me because I was trying to fight back the urge to touch you and hold you and
if you weren't with me, I couldn't sleep either because I was missing you.
But at least when you weren't with me, I could beat off, thinking about you
hehe. Ahhh be 14! Such raw emotions! When you let me touch you that night, I
was on cloud 9. I had fantasized about doing that so many times. Sometimes,
I just think about how I was feeling that day, scared that you would reject
me, and I just can't believe where we are now. I'm so happy that you
returned my love. You make me so happy. I feel like my life is just perfect
right now. I wouldn't change a thing.

We have changed so much in four years, haven't we? I cannot believe
everything we have achieved. I cannot believe any of this is happening.
We're not even 19 and we are already living the dream so many people
fantasize about all their lives.
And you're the reason why we have come this far already. Don't make that
face, I can see you! I'm telling you, you are. The label would have never
signed us without you. There would be no songs, no melodies without you. I
know you think the first album sucked. Ok, I suppose it could have been much
better, but Mark, for a 16 year old guy, it's pretty amazing to pull this
off. It's truly amazing to be able to write good enough songs to make an
album. I just don't understand how you do it. I find it completely
fascinating. Sometimes I just watch you play and come up with a melody in
just a few minutes and I just haven't got a clue how you do it. You've got
so much talent baby. It radiates from you. You're amazing. And I know it's
just the beginning. You're getting better and better every day. I see how
hard you work to be the best, how dedicated you are to the band. You're an
inspiration to me and to the guys too. You've told me a few times how much
you need me, how much you lean on me, how you admire me and look up to me.
Well, so do I baby.

Oh, and did I mention how sexy you are when you play. I can see how much you
love it, how it allows you to express yourself. It seems as though nothing
else matters to you once you start playing. There's just you, your
instrument and your creativity. It makes you look so hot. You look hot all
the time. This body of yours, god, could it be any more perfect? No one else
has the same effect on me. I really think you're beautiful. I can never get
enough of you. I'm looking at your picture in a magazine right now. You know
the one in Q in black and white. You're sitting on a chair playing. Oh man,
you look so handsome. That's cool, I can get plenty of gorgeous pictures of
you thanks to these magazines. I think that if they ever take one of you
shirtless, it's gonna become jerk off material. God I really need to stop
this, or I'm gonna end up writing a dirty letter.

I just hope you know how much you mean to me. How incredibly strong my
feelings for you are. Sometimes it's almost scaring me. I feel like my
happiness depends on you, is that crazy?
I know you can't either because you've told me, but I can't even fall asleep
properly if you're not in bed with me, I think that's crazy. But I don't
care, I love feeling like this! I love falling asleep and waking up with you
every day, I love spending as much time as I can with you, I love everything
that we do together. I love making love to you and I love when you make love
to me. I love that feeling, you know, when I look at you and touch you and
all I can think about is how much I want you, how much I want us to be one.
And no matter how hot you look, or how good you smell, or how wonderful you
feel, it's you I want, not just your body. But man, your body, I love your
smooth golden skin, your shoulders, your arms, your chest, tight and well
defined, and your nipples look so good, your stomach is so hard, your butt
is so strong and round. I can never get tired of having sex with you, you
turn me on so much. Even after I get off, I still want you. Sometimes we're
in the middle of an interview and you're the only thing on my mind. Yeah,
that's not very professional is it? I can just see your hot naked body, your
cock, rock hard against your stomach, wanting me. The other day, when we
were watching "interview with the vampire" with the guys, I stared at the
screen the whole time, but all I saw was you. I have no idea what happened
in the movie but my cock sure seemed to like it. The poor thing was
painfully hard and Brad Pitt had nothing to do with it. I could just see us
in bed, making love, fucking, licking, sucking, playing, nibbling, blowing,
rubbing, stroking, thrusting, moaning, cumming and I just couldn't wait to
be alone with you. You're just so good in bed. The things you can do to me.
You know, I love being in you but I think I love feeling your cock deep
inside me even more because I can feel how much you want me. You always hold
me so tight, like you just can't seem to get enough. I love the sounds you
make when you fuck me, your moans make me so hot. Yeah, you hold me tight,
you lick and you kiss me everywhere you can and your cock works magic on my
prostate and your moans tell me how bad you need me, how hot you are for me.
Oh man, sometimes I try to stay quiet just so I can listen to you. You're so
hot...
Well there you go, I knew it, I'm writing a dirty letter and now I'm rock
hard, somebody stops me!

Ok, I'm gonna get serious. There's something else I want to tell you. I want
you to know that I've never really doubted your love for me. I know you love
me just as much as I love you. You show it to me every day and it feels
great. I see it in your eyes, I feel it in your touch and I love hearing you
say those three words.
I don't really know how to explain this properly but I'll try.
I didn't have doubts about your sincerity. I think I was just scared of my
feelings. I still am sometimes. I need you. I really need you.
It scared me to think that you might not want me anymore, that you might
want someone else even if I knew you wanted to be with me despite your fears
of being gay. I was scared of losing you so it made me question our
relationship.
When I told you I was in love with you and you actually reciprocated my
feelings, I just thought it was too good to be true. I think I was scared
that with time, you might want different things, things I could not give
you. I would have probably been ok if you had told me you were straight, I
would have accepted it but once we actually became lovers, the thought of
losing you as a boyfriend was just too painful. I mean if you don't know how
good something is, you can live without it, but once you've tried, forget
it, I'm addicted to you now hon!
Does that make any sense? I'm not sure, but it does to me.

I know it hasn't been easy for you to come to terms with all of this but I
feel like you've always put me, and your feelings for me, before any doubts
you could have about your sexuality and now I realize that even if we
haven't dealt with being gay in the same way, in the end we love each other
and it's strong enough to overcome any obstacle that can stand in our way. I
don't want to worry about tomorrow because my worries might never come true.
And I'm really not that worried anymore. I want to enjoy what we have and
deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

What happened with Rachel made me realize that there are some things we
cannot control. It just happens and we have to deal with the consequences of
our actions and learn from them. I realize something like that could have
happened to me too if I had found myself in the same situation and I would
have wanted you to forgive me.
I know there's a special bond between you and Rachel that was probably quite
confusing for you. But now, I realize this bond is nothing but friendship
and I can see you're not confused anymore. I'm glad you both sorted things
out. It's too bad you had to have sex with her and get her pregnant to get
there.
Or is it? It seems like something pretty amazing is gonna come out of it.
I know you feel really bad about it and you think I'm still mad at you deep
down, but I'm not. I know why it happened and I know it won't happen again.
For all I know, it might even have strengthened your love for me. I trust
you and it might surprise you, but I think I even trust Rachel now. I
believe her when she says she doesn't want to be with you. I know she just
wants to be your friend. I can see she's sincere about that. I think I'm
gonna have to realize that she's in a difficult position and having a baby
with you is probably hard for her to deal with. I hope everything will work
out fine for all of us. This baby didn't ask for anything and we have to
make this work for him. But he's really lucky, you're gonna make a great
dad!

				So, to sum up, Je t'aime.  Always and Forever]



No need to tell you, I had tears in my eyes again by the time I finished
reading the letter but it had turned into happy tears. I loved him so much.
As soon as I read the last words, I started reading it again from beginning
to end. I almost wanted my mother to read this, well, some parts of it. How
could this be wrong?  How could a love like this be wrong? She just didn't
get it.

I think over an hour must have passed. I understood why he had told me to
take my time now. I put the letter back in the envelope and left the
bedroom. I was feeling a lot better. My mother had made me feel unloved, Rob
and his family were making me feel the exact opposite.

I slowly walked downstairs. There was no noise in the house. I looked around
the living room. No one was there. The kitchen door was closed but as I
walked closer to it, I could hear them talk. I opened it slowly. They were
all in the kitchen having dinner.

« hey ... how are you feeling?" Jane asked

"much better"

"good, we saved you some dinner" she said getting up and preparing a plate
for me.
I smiled at Rob and he smiled back at me and mouthed, "I love you". He stood
up and walked over to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my
head on his shoulder. He put his hand on the back of my neck and caressed it
as his other arm held me against him. We didn't say anything. We couldn't
really talk about the letter in front of his parents and brother and we
seemed to be both a bit self-conscious about it. We hugged for a couple of
minutes. It felt so good to be in his arms, we didn't need to talk to
communicate.

"here, sit down" his mother said "I'm sure you're hungry"

I raised my head and looked at the plate before looking into Rob's eyes
"thank you" I whispered. I pressed my lips against his cheek and brushed my
lips against his "I love you". He gave me a light kiss and smiled and we sat
down at the table.

We spent the whole evening talking about everything we had done with the
band. The people we had met, the places we had seen, the things we had done.
We told them about every little anecdote. The house was filled with a
relaxed and pleasant atmosphere. We talked for hours. We didn't mention my
parents at all. It could wait. We wanted to spend a nice evening. I could
tell they didn't want to bring it up and they did their best to cheer me up
and make me feel good about myself.
It was over 2 am when we went upstairs and got ready for bed.

As I waited for Rob to come out of the bathroom, I looked around his room.
It looked smaller somehow. A lot of things were missing because we had taken
them with us and the room was not as warm as it used to be but it was still
filled with a lot of memories

Rob came up behind me as I looked through his childhood cd collection. We
had taken all the cds we still listened to and left the old ones. Looking at
them reminded me of one of the practical jokes he had talked about in the
letter. Once, I had removed all of his cds and tapes from their cases and
put them all back in different ones. Stupid, wasn't it?
He wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder.
"it's nice to be here, isn't it?"

"yeah, but it seems different. So I was just thinking, remember the time I
put all of your cds and tapes in different cases"

he laughed "oh that was nothing. You did much worse than that"

I turned around and rested my forehead against his for a few seconds
"you know what I wanna do?" I asked him smiling

"make love all night?" yeah, he had it right

I smiled and brought my lips to his and we kissed softly. He was only
wearing his briefs so I ran my fingers up and down his back. We held each
other gently and continued kissing. Our tongue played and our hands
wandered. A few minutes passed and we stopped kissing. Again, we pressed our
foreheads together and I looked down, taking a deep breath and sighing. He
could tell I still felt very down, sad and preoccupied and he said as he
held me,

" I wish things could be different"

"me too, but they can't be"

"your mum called when you were, well, enjoying your present. She didn't even
bother coming over, she just called"

"oh, and? What did she say?"

"I don't want to make you feel any worse ... and trust me, it won't make you
feel good, it's pretty bad"

"Rob, I think I already know anyway, just tell me, It can't be much worse,
don't worry"

"she told my mum that if you didn't apologize to her and start behaving like
she expected you to, then she just didn't want you to come back. She said
that if you continued living in sin, she didn't want to see you again and
she didn't want you to see or talk to anyone in your family. She said she'll
keep your dirty little secret because it's too shameful and she'll find
something to say to them to explain why you don't talk to anyone anymore" he
sighed

"And then I grabbed the phone and kind of told her what I thought of her and
I don't think she liked it very much. She yelled at me, telling me that if I
didn't stop corrupting you, god will take care of me too. And that there was
a reason why homosexuals died of aids every day. God, she was lucky no to be
in front of me because I think I would have just hit her" he said, clearly
mad

I looked down, sickened, and gave a fake laugh. This was just so
unbelievable. Who would act like that? They were so cold-hearted that it
made me wonder why I wasn't "why am I part of this family?"

"I have no idea. They must have adopted you or something," we chuckled but
deep down, I almost wished it was true.

"no I think your family adopted me. That's probably the only reason why I'm
not completely devoid of sentiments. Without you, I would probably be just
as uncaring as they are"

"no, you never would have been like them. It's just not who you are" He said
kissing my cheek. I look into his eyes and saw real care again. I was sure I
wouldn't have been the same person without them.

"So my mum ended up hanging up because your father started telling her that
it was her fault if you were like that and that she had completely depraved
you. Was he there when you were?"

I shook my head no and he continued "oh, thank god. He told her that if she
wanted another son so bad, she could just keep you" He shook his head and
raised his eyebrows, looking at me sadly.

"you know, this is a perfect example of how religion can act against love" I
said overwhelmed with sadness but not crying. I was done. I was not gonna
let them hurt me anymore. I knew what I wanted and I didn't care anymore if
they didn't approve. I was beyond caring.

"you're ok?" he asked worriedly

"yeah" I sighed "I have to move on. I can't let them hurt me over and over
again. It went too far. It's just not fixable, not anymore"

He held me tight and I could tell by his breathing that he was holding back
from crying.

"Rob, really I'm ok. I can't choose my family but I can choose my friends. I
don't wanna be hurt or mad because they just don't deserve it. I just want
to forget about them now and create a new family for myself. I don't need
them. I need you. I feel so lucky to have you in my life"

He looked at me and smiled slightly "you should, I'm the best boyfriend
ever"

I smiled and leaned forward to kiss his cheek gently. "you are. I love you
so much. All the things you wrote...it's just, I don't know what to say. I
loved it, thank you. It means so much to me. You mean so much to me. I, I
just love you, I don't know what else to say"

"you don't have to say anything else"

He smiled and he took my hand in his and took a step back. He glanced at the
bed and looked at me again, moving his head toward the bed, smiling.

We stripped and climbed under the covers, snuggling close to each other. We
lay in bed, the covers completely covering us up, and we began making out.
We held each other and kissed gently. Our feet played with each other and
our fingers were intertwined. Our cocks were hard but we didn't touch any
sensitive part of our bodies except our lips for the longest time. It felt
like we had all the time in the world. We lay on our sides and just wrapped
our arms and legs around each other and kissed, long, short, slow, gentle,
loving kisses. Our tongues slid, played and licked. I kissed his cheek and
licked his earlobe in my mouth, he moaned and I whispered in his ear
"you know, I also think my happiness depends on you, it's not crazy"

He smiled and pressed his lips against mine again. Our kisses and breathing
became deeper, more heated and passionate and our hands began to wander. I
caressed his body, his hair, his arms, his back, his chest, his ass, his
legs even his feet and he did the same but we didn't break our liplock. Our
cocks began rubbing against each other and we started moaning. He rolled a
little so he was on his back and I was on top and we continued kissing. I
could have done that for hours. I loved how he kissed me, firmly but softly,
hungrily but lovingly.
After a few minutes, he pulled me up off his mouth and looked deep into my
eyes. His eyes were filled with love, care, need, passion and desire as he
asked
"Mark, make love to me"  God, he was beautiful.

Hearing those words, I started licking his neck, sucking a little and
probably giving him a small hickey and he ran his fingers roughly through my
hair, and applied pressure on my head to get me to suck harder, which I did.
He moaned quietly again. We were not really used to being quiet anymore when
we had sex but we were back to his parents' house so silent was imperative
even if they probably knew what we were doing.
I took his nipple between my fingers and lightly pinched. I let my tongue
travel down his chest and lick his nipples as I caressed his tight stomach.
My hand found his penis and I slid my body down and wrapped my lips around
the head and held him there, sucking, forcing pre-cum out of it. I licked
his sweet pre-cum and ran my tongue up and down along his shaft, making his
cock completely wet. I moved down to his balls and as I started licking, he
asked with need,
"ohhh, baby, come here" I looked up at him and saw him reach for the lube
"come here, give me your cock"

He grabbed my arm and I slid my body up and sat on his stomach. He applied
the lube onto my cock and looked into my eyes with desire
"please make love to me now, forget the foreplay"

I smiled and slid back and the head of his cock poked again my ass. Oh, man,
I almost wanted to push back and let it slide inside me. I took his cock in
my hand and pressed the head against my hole just to feel it and I was so
relaxed with him that the head actually started to enter me
"ohh mark, please, not yet, I want you in me first, please" I didn't want
him to beg so I pulled off and raised his legs. I put my hands under his
knees and lined up my cock with his smooth hole. I pressed the head against
it and pushed a little, his hole contracted and relaxed and the head popped
in. He pushed back, needing more and within seconds, my cock was buried
inside him.

"ohh yes, I love you" He took the covers and pulled them up, covering us up
completely again.

"I love you too" I said as I took both his hands and made him raise his arms
above his head. My arms pressed against his and I laced my fingers through
his as I started a slow rhythm. We kissed deeply, our tongues fought and my
cock thrusted in and out of him lovingly. We were both moaning quietly in
each others' mouths. I started kissing and licking his face and neck as I
pumped in and out of him. Rob was in complete ecstasy, his eyes were closed,
his lips were parted and he was starting to moan louder, the covers on top
of us making us feel like no one could hear us. The warmth and tightness of
his ass around my cock felt amazing. I gripped his fingers tighter with mine
and made him raise his leg a little higher as I began giving him short and
quick strokes, trying to find the best angle to hit his prostate with each
stroke. I must have because he started moaning urgently,
"uugghh ohh Mark yes ughh"

We gasped, kissed and moaned and I continued working my cock like a piston
inside him, feeling warmer and warmer under the covers. Sweat started
forming on our bodies but still we didn't move down the covers. There was a
feeling of security and togetherness as we made love under them. Like we
were protected from the outside world, like nothing could touch us or harm
us. I slowed down my pace and again lovingly slid my cock in and out,
listening to the slick sounds below as I kissed his face, his neck or his
mouth. I let go of his hands and slid my left arm under his shoulder. He
wrapped his arms around me and our chest rubbed together. We found a nice,
steady rhythm and slowly continued making love.

"uggh this feels really good, I'm close, go deeper" he asked after a while.
I raised myself up just a little and pressed one hand on his shoulder as the
other caressed his chest. He raised his legs higher and I pushed my cock
deeper into him making him squeal with delight. I wrapped my hand around his
cock and started stroking him.

I knew he was close and I was ready whenever he was but I could still last.
I pulled out of him and let go of his cock to hold the base of mine. I
pressed it against his hungry, open hole and slowly reentered the head and
pulled out again, doing that a few times. Rob moaned with pleasure every
time I reentered him and he kept trying to grab my cock with his ass and
pushed back to take more. I gave him what he wanted and buried my cock into
him again and he gave a sigh of relief. I withdrew my cock almost completely
again and slammed it back inside him, quickening my pace. I crushed my lips
against his because we were starting to make too much noise and I hoped the
kissing would quiet us a little. It was just so hard not too moan too
loudly. He placed both his hands on my head and played with my hair as we
kissed.
I grasped his cock again and he cried out in pleasure. Precum dribbled out
of his slit and I think we both felt the urge to cum build inside us at the
same time. He wrapped his legs around my waist and drove me deeper inside
him. I thrusted hard in and out of him, hitting his prostate, feeling my
climax approach really quickly.

"Mark, ohhh, god, mark" he moaned as I stared kissing his shoulder and
moving my hand up and down his slickened cock quickly. He grabbed his pillow
and held it over his mouth. I rubbed my thumb against his nipple and his ass
tightened and grabbed my cock. I was so ready to cum and so sensitive that
the feeling immediately sent me over the edge. I closed my eyes, gasped and
tensed and I came deep inside him as he shot his load all over his chest and
screamed into the pillow. He wrapped his hand around mine around his cock
and he made me stroke him faster.
We came hard, doing our best to stifle our moans. I felt like my orgasm was
never going to stop and judging by the amount of cum on Rob's chest, it
seemed like he was having a good one too.

I felt his body relax and I pushed the pillow away and lowered myself down
to kiss him. He wrapped his arms around me and I collapsed on top of him,
not caring about the cum on his chest.
We kissed and I continued gently sliding my cock in and out of him for a
couple of minutes until I just lost my strength and lay on top of him, my
cock still in him.
I nuzzled my face in the crook of his neck and started laughing a little
"what?" rob asked

"nothing" I smiled "that was just so good, I love you"

"I know" he laughed too "ohh god, I think I'm gonna have to award a medal to
your cock soon"

"naaah, you don't want it to get too bigheaded" we cracked up, realizing the
double meaning of what I had said and kissed, smiling.

We stayed like that for the longest time, making out until we decided to
take a shower, even if we knew it might wake his parents up but it was just
really necessary.
When we got back to bed, we started all over again, we sucked each other off
in a 69 position and came again. But we didn't fall asleep. We held each
other and talked about the letter, about our childhood, about my parents,
his parents, about our feelings for each other, about Rachel, about the
band, about everything and anything. It led to sex again and he made love to
me. God did he make love to me. It was amazing. He whispered sweet or dirty
things in my ear as he thrusted slowly in and out of me in three different
positions. I just loved it. Then we took another shower and talked some
more, caressing each other, playing with our cocks. We ended up cumming
again, a trickle compared to earlier that night and around 9am, we finally
fell asleep.

I lost my family for good that day, but I had so much more going on in my
life that what could have been really traumatic turned out to be bearable.
We want to hold on to what we have, even when it doesn't make us happy, but
sometimes, we have to let go and hold on to something else. I wasn't gonna
dwell on the past. I had a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, a promising
career, a baby on the way and I was just really happy.

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the show is over! For now hehe, don't freak out! More to come! Now, you can
close the window and go back to your life...oh but no, wait send me an email
first: citizentoo@hotmail.com