Date: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 19:31:37 +0200
From: citizen citizen <citizentoo@hotmail.com>
Subject: "on our way to fame" chapter 13A

The following story is entirely a work of fiction.

The story below is a love story and involves sex between adult males. If
that offends you, I wonder how you ended up here! All the usual rules apply,
if it's illegal for you to read this, don't, and if you're under 18, I
suppose it's time for you to leave unfortunately.

Again, my first language is not English, so if you see any mistakes, ignore
them or correct me if you want lol

Here comes a small chapter to keep you waiting. I decided to break chapter
13 in two parts. I was done writing the beginning and since it was long
enough to be posted, I thought I was not gonna make you wait until I finish
writing the whole chapter.

Let me warn you though before you start reading, there is no sex in this
chapter. It will come in the second part. Sorry!

Thank you to the readers who have emailed me and answered my questions. To
the first question, YES has won with a large majority so here it comes....
Just in case you've read the real article before, I've used Stephen Gately's
coming out article published in `the Sun' in June 1999. Told you, I'm no
journalist, I needed help hehe (do you know who he is? He was a member of an
Irish boy band `Boyzone')
Please, don't accuse me of plagiarism lol. Even though they are a few things
I didn't change at all, they were also a lot of things I did change.

------
Chapter 13 part a


The interview had been given. It was 7.30 pm on the eve of the article's
publication and we knew than in less than 12 hours, people would start
reading our coming out.

We were all having dinner together in the living room after a day's
rehearsal. David had tried to cook Chinese food even though he had no idea
what he was doing, but since he was half-Chinese, we had all pressured him
into cooking something for us.
After making a mess in the kitchen and having a good laugh with Rachel and
Elaine who had tried to help, they had given up and had just decided to
order.
Rachel seemed to really like him and he had been spending a lot of time with
her, and consequently with us. He was a great guy and we had totally
accepted him into the little family that we were.

We were all sitting cross-legged on cushions on the floor to respect the
Chinese tradition I suppose, and the atmosphere around the large glass,
guitar-shaped coffee table was not as relaxed and as it usually was. We were
not our usual cheerful selves.

"oh well" David said as he chewed his food "this tastes much better than
what I would have done" he joked

"sweetie, please, eat something" Rob's mother told him. She had flown to
London to be with us for a few days. She was quite motherly and as much as
we were trying to be strong and positive, I think we kind of needed that
motherly love and support. It was comforting.

"I can't" he sighed, staring at his plate for a few seconds before getting
up to slowly walk upstairs, dragging his feet.

We all looked at each other and I started getting up but Jane stopped me

"wait, let me go talk to him" she told me

I hesitated because I, too, couldn't eat anything and I kind of wanted to be
alone with Rob but I agreed.

"alright" I said sitting back down

She walked upstairs and they all continued eating silently while I just
stared at my sweet and sour chicken like it was just a piece of uneatable
plastic. For at least five minutes, not a word was spoken. Even Lucas was
quiet, sitting calmly on the couch with a toy while we ate.

"it's gonna be a long night" Damon said and sighed. We all looked at him and
they all laughed a little but I didn't.

Jordan was sitting down next to me and he gently rubbed the back of my neck
as he said
"I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I'm sure everything's
gonna be fine. Our fans are gonna love this" he said with a laugh  "You'll
feel much better in a few hours"

I stared into space, I didn't want to look at them, I didn't want to see the
look in their eyes, because I knew that even though they were trying to be
positive about this, even though they were trying to be strong for us, I
knew they were just as worried as Rob and I were.
But it felt good to know that we had their unconditional support. And I
hoped we would soon have the support of the public as well. Because the
thing was that, being around people who knew about us and accepted our
homosexuality had kind of spoiled us and it was becoming increasingly
difficult not to show affection when we were in public since we were so used
to being ourselves at home and around our friends.
>From now on, we won't have to hold back anymore. That made it so worth it.
Now, I'm not saying that we were gonna make out constantly in front of
everyone but I was looking forward to being able to simply hug Rob, give him
a kiss on the cheek, a peck, or take his hand in mine without having to take
a quick scan around us first.

"can I say something?" this girl said.

"please" Damon told her, almost desperate for a conversation

She smiled. I think she was called Lucy, but I wasn't sure, I hadn't really
paid attention when Damon had introduced me to her. I didn't even know who
she was with really. At first, I thought she was with Damon but then I saw
Jordan kissing her so....oh what did I know? maybe she was just with both of
them lol. I wouldn't be that surprised if she was.

Those two, they were so sharing their girlfriends ...actually, the word
`conquests' would be more appropriate.
During the tour, I had seen on more than one occasion a girl or even two
girls come in or come out of their hotel room and I highly doubted that one
of them would be a good boy and just sleep, while the other have sex with
her, if you know what I mean.
So I was pretty sure they had done some pretty wild shit. I'm not saying
that they had done anything gay or had even touched each other, but I bet
they would often have sex with the same girl...at the same time. I would swear
to it! Rob and I had teased them about it and even though they hadn't openly
admitted it, they hadn't denied it either, which made us think that we were
probably right

We didn't have that many opportunities to find out whether we were or not
since they had decided that they were not gonna tell us anything and let us
speculate. Plus they almost never talked to us about their sex life, not
seriously anyway. I mean, why would they? It's not like we were extremely
interested to know what they were doing with their girlfriends. If they
wanted to talk about girls, they had each other. Didn't need to talk to
their gay friends... although, Jordan was often asking Rob before going out,
"how do I look? would you snog me?" lol ...
Because knowing how picky Rob was, he had decided that if Rob found him
attractive, then the girls would too and so he was good to go!

And since we had all grown up together and now lived together, in hotel
rooms or at home, we had all seen each other naked at one point or the other
so you know, there was no big surprise there, no big inhibition. But yet, we
had never really been in the habit of "I'll show you if you show me" and we
had never even watched porn or jerked off together. I knew Damon was more
demure than Jordan so it surprised me a little that he would go for that,
but I knew how open Jordan was about sex so if Damon was horny enough, I
supposed it wouldn't bother him that much to screw some girl in front of
Jordan.

Anyway, so this girl, Lucy...I think, started saying

"I'm a fan right! And I'm not gonna lie to you, when I found out, I was a
bit surprised, a lot actually, because it's not... I don't know, it's just not
obvious. But I honestly believe that you guys are great, your music is great
and it's much more important than your sexuality. And I can honestly say
that what made me buy your albums are your songs, before I even knew
anything about you. So I'm pretty sure most people are not gonna give a
shit, they will just respect your honesty and let your live your life the
way you want. As long as you keep writing the kind of songs you have written
so far, trust me, you'll be fine"

"I totally agree with that too. It was the same for me, I bought your albums
because I saw you live and I totally loved the gig and the songs" David
said.

Jordan sighed "you should tell Rob that"

I was resting my body against the couch, still staring at the same piece of
plastic...I mean chicken and I suppose I looked very preoccupied.

"Mark, this is a good thing" Rachel said "you'll feel so liberated tomorrow"

"look, thanks guys, I know you want to help but whatever you say right now
won't change the way Rob and I feel. And don't take this the wrong way, but
you can't really understand what's going on in our heads right now"

"look we gotta do something to keep our minds off this" Jordan said

"yeah why don't we go out?" Elaine said "just party and laugh your worries
away. Come on, it might be the very last time you can go out without being
bullied" she laughed

Dylan gave her a dirty look and I just looked at her and said blankly "it's
not funny"

"you're right, I'm sorry" she apologized

I took a deep breath and continued staring at my plate. They started talking
about the tour and the rehearsals and I just listened absently. A few
minutes later, my cell phone rang. I didn't know the number but I picked it
up anyway

"hello"

"hey Mark, c'est Damien?" he said

"oh, salut"

"comment tu vas? He asked me. I told him I was ok, but a bit worried as I
stood up and walked away, even though the guys couldn't really understand me
when I spoke French. He told me he was in France and couldn't stay on the
phone very long. He just wanted to know how I was doing and tell me that he
was with me. I had told him about our decision to come out and he was a bit
perplexed to hear that we were actually going to go public. I knew he was
out to his friends but not to his parents so obviously, coming out to the
entire world was to him a pretty huge deal and the fact that I was 3 years
younger than him and already about to come out publicly still baffled him a
little.

We called or emailed each other once in a while, even though Rob didn't
particularly loved it. But really, we were just friends. I had not seen him
since the end of the recording and he had never made a pass at me since that
day in the studio. He was probably still hoping something could happen
between us but he was smart enough to realize that it really couldn't.

We talked for a few minutes. I liked our conversation, he was an interesting
person to talk to, he would always find either fun or serious topics to
discuss. Plus, he made me practice my French. He didn't let me talk to him
in English anymore. And I think it annoyed Rob even more because he could
never understand what we talked about. It's not like I was trying to hide
anything from Rob by speaking French, I was always honest with him about
talking to Damien, and I even told him what we talked about, but hey, what
could I do? He was jealous and I was not gonna change him.

After hanging up the phone, I joined the guys in the living room again and
sat back down.

"was that Damien?" Rachel asked me and I nodded yes

"Did he want to know if you were still with Rob?" Jordan asked and laughed

Damon laughed too and said "hey, maybe he hopes this whole coming-out will
drive you mad and break you up"

I just looked at them with a slight smile on my face and shook my head.

Lucas crawled down the couch and I stood up. I picked him up and walked away
to spend some time alone with him. At least, -he- was not gonna talk about
it.

"maaark" Jordan called "you're not gonna sulk, are you?"

"no" I just told him and started walking up the stairs.

Lucas cuddled up to me as I walked up the stairs and I realized that all of
this wasn't so important after all. So what if some people didn't accept us
for who we were. As Bono had told us over 2 years ago now, it's the people
you love who are really important, not fame and money. I knew Lucas would
always love me unconditionally and it was so much more important than the
opinion people I didn't even know could have on me. We were not gonna let
our desire to succeed force us to live a lie. We had to be true to
ourselves.

I couldn't help but worry, but deep down, I knew coming out would not be a
major problem. We would still have fans. Now, I gotta admit, I wanted the
band to have a major influence on the music scene in the long run. I still
wanted us to be around in 20 years, and I was a bit worried that coming out
would jeopardize this, because I didn't want to be categorized, to touch
only a minority. I wanted UNI to touch everyone, not just gay people you
know.
We didn't want our homosexuality to be everything about us. It was part of
the band's identity, but it was only a small part, not everything that we
were. So I truly hoped that people would not categorize us.

I guess we would soon find out!

There were a few lies at the beginning of the article about the reasons why
we had decided to come out. Because of course, they were not going to write
that they had blackmailed us. So we decided to say that someone was planning
to out us, and that we had decided to come out first.

The article was pretty good. We liked it all right. At least, it was the
true story. I liked the way they had done it. They had started by focusing
the article on Rob and then started talking about me, and it was pretty cool
actually. I could just imagine our fans go... No -fucking- way! lol

The article was very decent. They had definitely highlighted the fact that
rob and I were in a serious relationship. You know, maybe it was a more
acceptable gay lifestyle if our relationship could be a copy of a
heterosexual one. It was certainly old-fashioned considering the reality of
our lives and just the reality of today's youth.
I suppose most straight people would cope with the fact that we were gay but
would probably not want to think too much about the reality.
But now that we would be out, I gotta admit that we were a bit worried that
a guy we had slept with would think about selling a story, even though we
had always asked them to be discreet and they had always agreed.

It had taken the paper three weeks to publish the article. They didn't put
pressure on us. They were actually pretty nice and they wanted to make sure
we were happy with what they would publish. We were given a copy of the
story they had written and we did ask them to make a few changes. They
wanted to print a picture because obviously it would sell the story better
but we had refused. It's not that they would have printed the picture they
had used to blackmail us, but we just didn't want them to use a picture. Our
fans knew what we looked like and I suppose other people would just have to
look for information somewhere else if they wanted to find out more about
us. (maybe buy our album! there were pictures in there hehe, I was still
thinking straight, wasn't I?)

For our fans, who were familiar with our lyrics, I was pretty sure it
wouldn't come as a surprise. It would just confirm their suspicions about
Rob (They would probably be much more surprised by my coming out than his.
Because of Lucas and Rachel, our fans had just assumed I was straight)
I guess our coming out would be a bit like Boy George, Neil Tennant or
George Michael's you know.
But I think we were different from them though. We were not tortured like
George Michael or camp like Boy George. No, at the end of the day, we were
just your average gay guys... the guys you would think are straight if you saw
them walking down the street. We were just normal guys from an ordinary
middle-class, not to mention catholic background, who just happened to like
men. I might be wrong, but I had this feeling that our coming out was going
to do more in terms of changing people's perceptions than what some
activists had done in a lifetime.

The article was gonna cover the front page and be described as a "World
exclusive" with the headline "Don't hide your love away. Robbie Howlett: I'm
gay and I'm in love"
("Don't Hide your love away" was not the title of a song but words from one
of our singles. Our fans would get the allusion)

I couldn't believe that it was gonna be on front page though. Weren't there
more important things happening in the world than our sexuality??? The
famines, the earthquakes, people dying...and the biggest tabloid in the UK (as
well as the other newspapers that had taken up the story) decide to put us
on the cover? Not to mention radios and television news broadcasts that were
also going to feature our coming out. It was a bit scary!

Well, here's what people were going to read.....

[  In the most moving showbiz interview you will ever read, UNI star
Robbie Howlett today tells the world he is gay.

With the full support of the rest of the band, Robbie, 21, has decided to
talk freely about his love life for the first time.

For five years he has avoided questions about his sexuality. Now - after
learning that someone was planning to sell a twisted version of his story -
he has made the momentous decision to be honest to himself and his adoring
fans.

Robbie says: "This is the most important day of my life. From today I will
have the freedom to finally be myself"

Robbie slumps back on a sofa and utters three words that will change his
life forever. "I am gay"

After five years in the phenomenally successful rock band - UNI - Robbie, a
rock idol to young people around the world - has made the courageous
decision to come out.

Speaking softly but with conviction, he says: "This is the hardest thing
I've ever had to do and probably the biggest gamble of my life, but I owe it
to our fans - as well as to myself - to be completely honest. I know this
may come as a bombshell to some of our followers. I only hope they
understand how important it is for me to reveal that I am gay. Some of them
will be upset - but even though I've always tried to be discreet, I'm sure
this will probably come as no surprise to many."

Robbie's words come at a time when UNI can claim the title of the
biggest-selling rock band of the last two years in Britain.

He says: "I think the moment is now right to tell the world who I really am.
UNI are about to start a sell-out European tour and we've sold millions of
records but I can't begin to enjoy that success until I can be the real me"

Robbie's timing also owes a lot to the strength of his feeling for his
partner -- guitarist of the band, Mark Emery.

Robbie and Mark have known they were gay since they were teenagers. Robbie
says: "At school I dated girls, but by the time I was 13, I already knew
they weren't for me - simply because I knew I was in love with Mark. I was
well respected among my classmates. I'm sure some of the other kids could
see that I was different but it was never an issue"

The couple grew up together in the North side of Dublin and began their
relationship over 6 years ago at the age of 14.
Mark recalls: "Robbie and I have always been the best of friends. We were
almost inseparable growing up - we were like brothers - but when puberty
kicked in, we realised our feelings were stronger than friendship. We had
always had a special connection so being together felt like the most natural
thing in the world. It just felt right".

The strain of keeping their relationship a secret has been enormous. Robbie
says: "There have always been rumours but more recently I've heard that some
people were planning to sell a story about our private life. I wanted our
fans to hear the facts from Mark and I before anyone else got the chance to
publish a twisted version of the truth. That would have been devastating. I
hope the fans who have supported us from day one will respect our honesty. I
want to reassure them that this will not affect UNI. We'll be around for
years to come. Anyone who has seen us performing live knows I always give
100% and I will continue to do that. But the pressure to be something I am
not and the fear of a hurtful story being printed has just become too
intense."

Mark nods in agreement and says: "I will always be there for Robbie. With
the support of our fans, I know life can be brilliant for us"

Until now, the couple has gone to remarkable lengths to keep their
relationship secret. Robbie says: "We want to be with each other all the
time - and we are, because we live and work together - but we still are
under a lot of pressure when we are in public because we can never be
totally ourselves - there is always this fear of being discovered, and at
times, it can become unbearable - Until now we have never been totally able
to relax and enjoy the simple pleasure of just going out on a date together.
If giving this interview allows us to do that then all the agonising will
have been worthwhile"

The other members of UNI - Jordan Wright, Damon Wallace and Dylan Smith --
and the group's close-knit entourage have always been supportive of Robbie
and Mark's relationship. Robbie says: "They have all been brilliant. We told
Jordan, Damon and Dylan when we were 16, on the very same day when we
received a response from a record company saying they were interested in us.
Mark and I decided that we had to be completely honest with them before we
could allow the band to move forward. We are like a family. Growing up, we
spent so much more time with each other than we did with our siblings. There
is a real brotherhood between us so we just could not keep this from them.
They have been very accepting and supportive. It has never created any
tension between us. We are the best of friends and that's what friends are
for"

Robbie and Mark's problems only began when they and their band mates signed
a record deal in 1995. Mark recalls: "We desperately wanted to be rock stars
but we decided right away that to admit to being gay would be to say goodbye
to any chance of fame. So at first, Robbie and I told none in management. To
be honest, I'm sure they suspected but they were good enough never to raise
the subject. We were so keen to succeed that suppressing our real feelings
was a small price to pay. I'm sure that anyone that age would have done the
same thing. We didn't lie - We just weren't completely honest "

As the UNI story went from strength to strength, the pressure on Robbie to
talk about his love life also grew stronger. Over the years, and
particularly the past 12 months, he has become adept at dodging awkward
questions.

Robbie reveals: "We have worked extremely hard over the last five years and
not once have we really been able to relax and be ourselves. Our close
entourage has always known and it was never a big deal but there was such a
feverish speculation about my private life in the media that Mark and I just
wanted to face the rumours head-on. We decided that we would rather out
ourselves than wait fearfully to be outed. There has been a fair amount of
innuendoes about my sexuality and let's be honest, I was often the one to
create them. I say again - I have never, ever denied being gay. I don't know
how many times I've used the phrase "I would probably disappoint you if I
told you about my love life" - "No wonder there were rumours" Mark laughs

"But now, Mark and I need to be honest with our fans because we are at a
stage in our relationship where we just don't want to hide anymore. Plus
being gay has a major impact on what we do musically. People have been
asking quite a lot of questions about the meaning of our lyrics, and no
matter how universal we try to keep them, we still write about things that
are very personal to us and it is becoming harder to explain"

At the age of 17, a year after the release of the band's first album, Robbie
broke the news to his family that he was gay. He told his mother Jane first
- or to be more precise, his mother made him tell. He reveals: "She sat me
down one evening after dinner and she asked, 'What is happening between you
and mark?' I didn't know how to respond and she said  'you're different when
he's not around, like you're a little lost, or scared, you're not, I don't
know, complete. But I think it's different now, since you've started this
band. I've been watching you two with each other. You seem to be closer than
ever. Like there's more of a bond. More spiritual. Something's happened
between you too. It's more than bonding. I think it's more than love' And
then I knew that she knew. I looked away and she asked 'are you lovers?' so
I just told her the truth - and her reaction surprised me. She was very
accepting. She told me that she suspected and that the good thing about it
was that she had had time to sort out her feelings. She said it could be
hard to find love and that if Mark and I had it, then she was happy for us.
But she was a bit worried - being gay does make things complicated"

It took the brave youngster only a few hours to pluck up the courage to tell
the rest of his relatives. He recalls: "I broke the news to my father,
Martin on the next day over a pint in our local pub in Dublin. It had been
preying on my mind to tell him and halfway through a conversation I just
blurted out 'Dad. Look, I'm gay' I knew if my mother accepted the way I was,
my father would too"

"At first he just sat there and then he smiled and said, 'So your mother was
right. Of course your mother was right - And what about Mark?' and I just
said 'yes he is too and we're in love' - I guess he was hoping what my
mother suspected wasn't true but he said 'Don't worry son, I love you. But
I'm gonna need some time to get used to this' and he did. I couldn't have
asked for more support"

Robbie's brother Justin, 17 was also completely accepting. Robbie says:
"It's a great feeling to know that your family loves you unconditionally"

Unfortunately, Mark's family has not been as understanding. He explains,
"I've always had a very adversarial relationship with my parents. We had a
lot of communication problems and when they found out I was gay, it was the
last straw that breaks the camel's back. They didn't want to have anything
to do with me from that moment on. To be honest, I haven't talked a word to
them since I told them over two years ago. I don't know if this interview
will change anything but I'll be very surprised if it did"

Before Robbie and Mark took the brave decision to come out, they admit they
were incredibly worried. Robbie says: "We had quite a few sleepless nights
worrying about what would be in the next morning's papers. I remember one
morning waking up and feeling so depressed that I thought about running away
- giving it all up and trying to forget everything. We had to make a choice.
We could either break down and cry or stand up and be positive. That's what
we're doing now. This interview is the most positive thing we have ever
done"

Mark adds: "We have thought long and hard about this moment, but it's the
year 2000 and hopefully people are open-minded enough to accept us for what
we are"

Following the release of UNI third album in March, the band shows every sign
of continuing their success into the new Millennium - another reason why
Robbie and Mark have decided to tell their story. Robbie says: "How could we
plan a future and still be hiding this secret? Being honest about this is
really a weight off our shoulders - I hope our story helps teenage kids to
face up to whatever problems they have and encourages parents to be as
understanding as mine have been"

Robbie and Mark realise this interview will change their lives forever. In
an emotional appeal to their fans, Robbie says: "Today is one of the most
important days of our lives. From now on, everything will be different. We
know that and it's pretty scary. But I'm still the same Robbie, still
singing the same songs - some of which might have a whole new meaning to you
now - You have been with us through thick and thin. We've given you smiles
and we will continue to do that. We've been strong for you, we've signed
your autographs, answered your letters and given the performances you
deserve on stage. Now we need you to be there for us. I know you won't let
us down. See you on tour!" ]


Well, it was over and done! I decided to only mention my parents very
briefly in the interview. we wanted it to be positive, and not to mention
Lucas. I knew a lot of our fans knew about him and would probably wonder why
I had a two year old son if I was gay and had been with Rob for 6 years, but
I decided I'd probably explain this in future interviews, but not now, not
in the Sun.

Now, we just had to wait and see....it was still early and as Damon had
said...it was going to be a long night...

----------

There is a second part to this chapter. Unfortunately, life is getting in
the way and I don't really know if I'll be able to post it soon or not. I'll
do my best. I hope you liked this chapter even though there was no sex.

Please, let me know what you think. I hope to hear from you:
citizentoo@hotmail.com