Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 02:42:08 +0200
From: marc p <citizentoo@hotmail.com>
Subject: "on our way to fame" chapter 7 (revised)

The following story is entirely a work of fiction.

The story below involves sex between adult males.  If that offends you, I
wonder how you ended up here! All the usual rules apply, if it's illegal for
you to read this, don't and if you're under 18, I suppose it's time for you
to leave unfortunately.

I also want to remind you that my mother tongue is not English so if I made
any mistakes, I apologize.
This is my first attempt at writing a story so don't forget to send your
comments if
you have any, they are eagerly requested :
citizentoo@hotmail.com

Lyrics of the song used in this chapter are by Robbie Williams, album
escapology, hidden track

Thank you for checking out my story and thanks to the readers who have sent
me their feedback. I really appreciate it !

------

chapter 7


As soon as I came, I started thinking normally again, with my brain and not
my dick that is! Rachel was smiling, still drunk but I wasn't anymore, or if
I was, It felt like I had sobered up all of a sudden. The realization of
what I had just done came crashing down on me and I was feeling really
guitly. I was putting my pants back on clumsily as I said almost freaking
out

"Rach, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, we shouldn't have done that,
I'm sorry"

she laughed slightly, her eyes closed and still leaning her body against the
wall  "I've never come this fast before, that was so good"

"rach!"  I almost yelled, trying to make her come back to reality like I
had

"What?" she complained, still in her post-orgasmic euphoria

"look can you pull yourself together here? we made a mistake, we shouldn't
have done that"

"why not? it was fun ... oh yeah right, cos you're gay!  well you know
what, maybe you're not that gay after all!"

"Yes I am, and It's not the point, damn, I'm so stupid." I said, almost
losing it

"oh come on, you're just a guy, you think with your dick" she laughed

"yeah well what do YOU think with? I can't believe you made me do this"

" oh yeah, like I forced you! it's just, I just had to feel it once. I won't
ask you that again ok, so just stop freaking out, we had sex, big deal, I
liked it, you liked it, let's just leave it there. Stop over analyzing
everything like you always do " she said putting her panties back on

"I don't do that" uhh, yeah maybe I did but whatever "oh damn, can we just
forget about this, let's just stop talking about it please?"

"fine! consider it forgotten, come on let's go back downstairs. Jeez, I need
to go the bathroom, I'm so wet, Man you came a lot"

"oh god, is this not talking about it?" I asked annoyed and she laughed and
walked to the door but instead of opening it, she leaned against it and
said, "wow, I'm dizzy, oh god, I'm so wasted, I don't think I've ever felt
like this before" giggling some more. I opened the door and she went to the
bathroom. I almost went with her, feelling like I was about to throw up but
I headed downstairs instead. As soon as Rob saw me, he called "Mark, come
here"

He was playing guitar with Jordan and Damon and they were all laughing their
ass off about something and I went over to them

"you gotta hear this, we just wrote the worse song in the history of music,
but it's just so funny" Jordan laughed

"yeah, well you'll show me some other time ok, Rob, I'm gonna go home, I
don't feel good, I think I drank too much, I need to lie down"

"what now? no wait listen to this, you're gonna love it"  they seemed so
excited about it, I thought it was probably worth listening to so I sat down
and listened to the effects that the abuse of alcohol had on creativity.

Rob began playing some notes on the guitar and Jordan and him started
singing together, well more like talking really and laughing a little as
they sang ... The lyrics were really silly and the melody was very basic but
I gotta admit it was funny and I couldn't help but laugh, sometimes it just
made no sense but they were so pissed, their cheerfulness was infectious. At
the end of the song, Rob looked at me and sang :

"Why do I have ketchup on my sleeve
Do you think that Adam fancied Eve
what if eve could not conceive
and he had to breed with steve
we'd all be gay"

and we all cracked up. The alcohol was still in my system and I was starting
to have fun again. But as soon as I remembered what had happened a few
minutes before, I panicked and stood up

"yeah ok, you guys have fun, I'll just go home, at my place ok, I'll see you
tomorrow"

"why would you want to do that?" Rob asked, I kissed him quickly on the
cheek, leaving his question unanswered and left, hoping he wouldn't make me
go to bed with him. I just couldn't be around him right now, I felt too
guilty. At that instant, I made a promise to myself never to drink like that
again

I woke up the next morning alone in my bed, completely unaware of everything
for a few seconds, trying to figure out where I was and what day it was
until I remembered what had happened the night before. I immediately started
to panic. My head was pounding, I was tense and cold and all I wanted to do
was to warm up my body against Rob's except he wasn't there and after what I
had done, I wasn't sure I deserved it. I felt terrible and sick to my
stomach. I couldn't believe I had cheated on him, I didn't want to be that
kind of guy. I wasn't a cheater, I didn't want to be a cheater.

And I had cheated on him with rachel, no less. I knew he was jealous of her,
he didn't say it but it was obvious. He didn't really like it when I spent
time alone with her and he was always acting very distant when she was
around. They barely talked to each other and sometimes it felt like they
were both silently competing  for me. I knew that he was afraid I'd break up
with him and decide it would be easier to be straight and he felt that
rachel was his first rival.

I reluctantly got out of bed, shivering, and walked to the bathroom. I felt
completely dehydrated so I drank some water, which just made me want to
throw up immediately, which I did. God, I just wanted to crawl into a hole
and never get out again. I didn't want to deal with my mistakes, I didn't
know how.

I took a warm shower, hoping it would make me feel better and tried not to
think about anything as the warm water hit my body, forcing me to relax,
except it didn't work. My mind was racing. I couldn't get over how stupid I
had been, I was disgusted with myself. I felt like I had betrayed Robbie and
used Rachel to get off. I kept repeating the night's events in my head,
thinking about what I should have done. I just wanted to go back in time and
erase everything. My emotions were a mixture of  guilt and fear. I was
scared. Because I knew I was gonna have to tell Rob. Because I had always
told him everything. All my life, I had always been an honest person,
especially with him. I had never ever kept anything from him and I knew that
even if I tried to, I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret very long because
if I did, it was just going to eat me inside. I hated the idea of lying to
him.

Plus how could I tell him something like that ? just the thought of hurting
him made me ache. I tried to think of how I would take it if he told me
tomorrow that he had cheated on me, and my eyes started to water. It did
hurt me to think about that, I know I would be devastated. How could he not
be?

I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't actually crying but I was so upset.
I forced myself to imagine how he was going to react, hoping that maybe he
won't be too upset. I mean maybe I was overreacting to this, maybe I needed
some time to think about it and I would realize it wasn't such a big deal. I
mean we had messed around with other people, we were not completely
monogamous.

But as I stood there in the shower, I knew better. When we decided to have a
three some with someone, it was something we did together, it was something
we both agreed to do, it didn't feel like cheating at all.  We had some
boundaries and I knew there was a line not to cross but last night I had
crossed it. I had fucked someone else behind his back, someone he really
didn't want me to touch and I knew he wouldn't be ok with that.

I was sure of that because even when we had sex with other guys, we had
rules. There was stuff he didn't want to do because he was jealous and so
was I. And I knew that if we started to break those rules, we might lose the
trust we had in each other. We always used condoms, we never kissed them, we
never flirted with anyone behind each other's back, knowing it was gonna
lead to sex. We always talked to each other and made sure we were both ok
with it before we let anything happen, and we never bottomed. We didn't
feel like we could be this intimate with someone we barely knew. He didn't
want to give himself to someone else and neither did I. This was very
important to him, I think probably even more than it was to me.
He could be really jealous and protective sometimes. if a guy tried to kiss
me or played with my ass, he stopped him immediatly and I was even more
worried here because I knew how he was when a girl started to flirt with me.
He hated it and I knew why. He felt he couldn't compete with girls. I kept
telling him I didn't want to be with a girl, that I really wasn't
interested, that he was giving me so much more than a girl could ever give
me, and I meant it too but he was still worried. And I knew that if he found
out about rachel, it would justify his doubts and fears. That would just
kill him.

I stayed at home all afternoon, lying on my bed, feeling like shit,
tormented with remorses as I tried to figure out how I could possibly get
out of that situation over and over and over again.
I didn't want to see anyone, I almost called rachel to know how she was
feeling but I didn't want to talk to her. I sort of felt
like she had taken advantage of me. I would have never done that if I had
been sober and I was kind of mad at her. I was totally depressed and I knew
that soon, Rob was going to call or come over. Because we hadn't spent one
single day apart from each other in months. I didn't want to see him because
I wasn't sure I could face him and have enough balls to tell him everything.
I was fearing it more and more, and around 6, sure enough, he came over..
He entered my room, looking way too handsome. Why did he have to be so damn
perfect all the time anyway?  I was lying on my bed holding a pillow on my
chest and he jumped on the bed, lying on his back next to me

"So, hangover?" he asked laughing

"you have no idea"

"I missed you this morning, why did you sleep here anyway?"

"don't know"

"well, come on, let's go back to my place, no offense but I hate this
house. you know what your father told me when he opened the door?" I
shrugged my shoulders without  saying anything, waiting for him to tell me
"he looked at me and he went, what do YOU want? don't you have anything
better to do, do you think you live here or something?" he said rolling his
eyes

"sorry, I guess some things will never change, I just hope I'll never be
like him" I sighed

"you're not, don't worry, I won't let you!" he said giving me a peck on the
lips  "come on, let's go, you're not sleeping here again tonight. I hate
sleeping without you.  Maybe we should work on Lost&found tonight(a song).
Nigel (our producer) told me he wanted to work on it first thing in the
morning so we can start recording in the afternoon. I need to work on the
melody, I don't know it very well. There are a lot of different ways to sing
it, I'm not sure which way to go, you gotta help me"

I didn't really want to play at all but we went back to his place, had
dinner and hung out. he worked a little on the song but I wasn't into it at
all. I was lost in my thoughts, barely listening to him. I kept thinking
about how I was going to tell him when I realized he had just asked me
something but I had no idea what

"What?"

"what's wrong? you look like your miles away. Did something happen at your
place?" he asked concerned.
Jeez, I just didn't deserve him. Here I was, feeling like shit because I had
cheated on him and he was worried about me, worried that my fucked up family
might have done something to hurt me again.

" No, nothing happened, I just have trouble recovering from last night. I
don't feel very good. You know what, I think I'm gonna go lie down in bed. I
need a good night sleep if I want to feel better tomorrow. I really can't
concentrate right now"

"Fine ... you're not a big help here tonight, next time we're having a
party,
there'll be no alcohol for you" he joked. Yeah, good idea!

I went to bed and snuggled under the covers, but it was still early and I
wasn't exactly tired. I just wanted to hide or disappear so I won't have to
face him. He was playing guitar, trying to find the right melody for the
song and I just listened to him, loving the sound of his voice.
And as I lay there in bed, I knew I was not going to tell him anything
tonight. I just didn't know how, I didn't have the energy or the courage to
break his heart, it was too painful just to think about it. About an hour
later, he stopped playing and joined me in bed, naked, and hugged me, his
chest against my back.  I could feel his hardness press against me. Of
course, he was horny, we always fooled around before we went to bed, why
would it be different tonight, especially since we hadn't done anything for
a couple of days. I wasn't sure I wanted to have sex with him, I wasn't
really in the mood. I felt so guilty.

He brought his hand to my crotch and took my penis and balls in his hand,
massaging and squeezing my package gently to make me hard as he pressed his
lips against the back of my neck. He gave my cock a few strokes but I swear
I felt so bad inside I just couldn't get hard. Nothing was happening so I
turned around and said

"I don't really feel like it tonight, can we try to sleep?"

"it's only 9.30, we've got plenty of time, I don't want to sleep now. I'm
not tired, are you?" I didn't say anything and he pushed me on my back and
licked my lips, whispering lovingly,
"I want you" and kissed me again

he caressed my chest with his fingers, and ran his tongue down my neck, to
my nipples. He sucked on them, trying to make them hard and his tongue
continued its journey down my chest. He kissed my stomach and my navel but
when his face got closer to my penis, I put my hand under his arm and pulled
him up. I was still soft and I didn't want him to try and suck me off,
knowing I was probably not going to respond to the stimulation. I don't
know, I must have blocked the link between my brain and my cock or
something.

But I knew he wanted to get off before going to sleep and he wasn't gonna
drop it. I looked at him in the pale light of the room, he looked so
handsome, he was so perfect. HE wouldn't do what I did, he would never hurt
me. I felt like scum and the worst part was that I was feeling like that
because I loved him so damn much. I needed him. I didn't want to lose him,
I couldn't take that risk. He was giving me so much, he was making me so
happy. He was the rock I leaned on all the time. If he hadn't been there
when I needed to escape from my family, I don't know what would have
happened to me. I was happy and sane today because of him. He was loving me
like no one else could. I couldn't even imagine how it would be like if we
broke up. Not being able to sleep with him every day, kiss him, touch him,
make love to him, share everything with him, I just couldn't imagine my life
without him anymore. I mean without him as a lover. I knew I would probably
never lose his friendship but I was too scared of losing his love and his
trust. I didn't want to fall from the pedestal he had put me on. That would
be a big fall, believe me, I was very high up there!

I started thinking that maybe it was best not to tell him, at least I was
sure not to lose him or hurt him. After all, it was just a stupid drunken
mistake, it's not like I had fallen in love with someone else or had had a
whole relationship behind his back. Maybe it just wasn't worth mentioning.
After all, Rachel didn't even seem to think it was a very big deal and I was
pretty sure she was not going to tell him anything.
But still, I was not a good liar, I hated it, but I began to think that I
could probably handle keeping this from him if it meant that I wouldn't lose
what we had.

He was kissing my neck and I took his chin in my hand to make our lips meet.
We kissed and I made the mistake of looking into his eyes. Damn, why did he
have to look at me like that all the time ? Like I was the most precious,
perfect thing on earth, like he would just do absolutely anything for me if
I asked him. It just made me feel even worse. I tried to block everything
out and just give him what he wanted already.

I decided to try and get him off quickly because I knew he would just fall
asleep after that, he always did. I took his cock in my hand and started
jerking him off fast, hoping that would do the trick , he seemed to be horny
enough. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensation but after only a few
seconds he brought his hand to mine and stopped me, whispering in my ear
"suck me off please" damn! ok fine, I'll do that, after all I kind of
wanted to, I just didn't feel like I should just have sex with him like
everything was perfect in a perfect world. He would certainly not want me so
much if he knew.

I lowered myself onto his cock, and started sucking on the head like it was
a lollipop. I was determined to give him one of the best blow job of his
life to just get it over with. I took him all the way down my throat, trying
not to think about anything but my mission to make him cum and I moved my
head up and down fast, applying as much pressure as I could on his shaft
with my tongue and sucking on the head to basically suck the cum right out
of him

"ohhh Mark, you're so good, keep doing that, feels awesome" He moaned,
clearly loving it but despite all my effort, it didn't sound like he was
going to cum anytime soon, and after a while, my jaw started to hurt and I
realized that he was holding back from cumming. That was obvious now, he
wanted to fuck, and I wasn't going to get him off with a blowjob. I almost
started laughing to myself. Shit, I wasn't gonna get out of it now, was I ?
It was pretty clear that I couldn't fuck him, I hoped he didn't want me to.
I wasn't completely soft but I definitely wasn't hard enough and I don't
think I wanted to be. I couldn't allow myself to want him.

He took my face in his hands and made me let go of his cock. he pulled me up
and kissed me, moaning a little in my mouth. He resumed caressing my body,
roaming his hands all over my back and I did the same to him, holding him
close because I didn't want him to wonder why I was being passive,
especially since I wasn't really hard. We continued kissing and caressing
each other, lying on our side, face to face until I felt his hand on my ass.
And I realized that my idea to get him off quickly was completely out of the
window, he didn't even want to fuck here, I knew that touch, I knew those
kisses and those moans, he wanted to make love, long, slow, gentle love,
just my luck!

One of his fingers searched my hole and he pushed it into me, moaning when
my ass grabbed his finger, telling me with his actions that he wanted to
make love to me. And the worst thing was that deep down, I wanted him to but
I didn't feel like I really had the right to enjoy it.
He moved his finger around, kissing my neck at the same time and asked with
need in his voice "Mark, can I...?"
No need to be a rocket scientist here to figure out what he was asking me
considering he had a finger up my ass. But since I had told him I wasn't in
the mood, he probably felt like he had to beg for it. I started thinking of
a good way to tell him no but I quickly changed my mind when he bit and
licked my earlobe in his mouth. I moaned as a jolt went through my neck,
down the small of my back and to my cock, making it respond and expand. Man,
that was a strong one. Goose bumps covered my body and suddenly all I could
think about was that I wanted him. I couldn't hold back anymore. I just
couldn't fight it. I knew it was wrong, I knew I shouldn't let him make love
to me, I should tell him what I had done but I couldn't, I wanted him and
more importantly he wanted me and I wanted to give myself to him again. I
wanted to feel like I belonged to him. I pressed my lips against his and he
opened his mouth, letting me suck on his tongue. He slid his finger in and
out of me some more to open me up and when he removed it, I lay on my
stomach, letting him know he could pretty much do whatever he wanted and he
reached for the lube.

He lubed up his cock and pushed it into me, meeting a bit of resistance. I
tried to relax and he had to push a bit harder to pop the head of his cock
through. I sighed when I felt him slide slowly inside me, and I told myself
to forget everything and just enjoy the feeling of having the man I loved
make love to me. He began fucking me slowly and I raised my leg higher on
the side to give him better access. He pushed himself deeper into me,
moaning and I concentrated on the sounds of his cock sliding in and out of
my ass, finding it very hot. He was softly caressing my tighs and ass with
his hands until he lowered himself down, pressed his chest against my back
and tried to slide his arms under me. I raised up a little and he put his
arms around me under my chest, caressing it and holding me tight. He
continued fucking me slowly, his chest rubbing against my back and we
moaned. God, he was so good, he was such a fantastic lover, he had been
fucking me for about 15 minutes here already and I knew he could still last
a while, just because he was determined to give me as much pleasure as he
could.

My cock was semi-hard against the mattress because despite the pleasure I
was feeling, I still found it difficult to surrender completely to the
sensations he was sending through my body even if I wanted to. My troubled
mind couldn't completely shut up and enjoy. He started kissing my ear, god I
loved that, and as if it wasn't enough, he began whispering lovingly in my
ear the kind of things that just made me go nuts. He licked my earlobe,
giving me goosebumps again and said, "you feel really good tonight, let me
take care of you, let me give you what you need" I moaned and he continued

"you're so special, I love fucking you like that, feeling your chest, I want
you so much baby, your ass is so firm and soft and warm. I can't stop
thinking about you all the time, I always want you, I had to jack off this
morning cos I was so horny and I wanted you. you could have fucked me if you
had been with me, yeah I wanted you to fuck me. I can't be without you
anymore, it's too hard, I need you all the time, I need to see you and hold
you and hear your voice and your laugh"  I let out a groan, totally turned
on here, I just couldn't resist when he talked to me like that, my cock was
really hard now, rubbing against the mattress.

he kissed my shoulder and said as he worked his cock like a piston into me
"I love the taste of your skin, it's so smooth, you are so wonderful, I
never want to be away from you, you make me feel so good, all of you, I love
everything about you, you're just so special, we are so good together"  I
gave a low grunt and raised myself up a little, moaning and he pulled out of
me. I turned over so that I was lying on my side and he pressed his cock
against my ass cheeks and re-entered me as I raised my leg to let him push
his cock back into my open hole. "ughhh" I moaned  "you're so deep, I love
it, you're so good" and I WAS loving it, he was incredible.

we settled in this position for a while, he was holding my cock in his hand,
gently stroking it and after a few more minutes, he moved his hand from my
cock to my nipples, causing me to cry out in pleasure. He pressed his lips
against the back of my neck, moaning more and more often. I slid my hand
behind him and pressed it against his ass to make him push himself deeper
into me. He yelped and moaned, and I knew he was approaching his orgasm. I
tried to make my ass grab his cock as hard as I could and he groaned
quietly, holding me a little tighter and breathing fast and I could tell he
was cumming inside me. His body was jerking a little as he enjoyed his
orgasm and whimpered. He stopped moving for a few seconds, but he soon
applied pressure on my back with his body to turn me so that I was face down
on the bed again and he fucked me some more, moaning, and obviously enjoying
a second dry orgasm as I told him "ughh, you are so incredible baby, yeah,
don't stop"

It's too bad I still felt very guitly because that could have been one of
our top 10 love making session for me. After a couple of minutes he stopped
fucking me and gently eased himself out of me. I turned around and he
caressed my chest and ran his fingers over my abs, playing with my belly
button a little until I felt his hand on my now semi-hard cock. It had been
amazing but I hadn't cum. I wanted him to have the best orgasm he could
possibly have and apparently he had, but I wasn't important. He started
stroking my cock to make me cum too but I put my hand on his and pushed it
away gently

"what? don't you need to get off?" I almost told him he had cum enough for
the both of us but I didn't

"I'm ok, it was really good, I loved it but I don't need to cum. I'm totally
satisfied here, you were really amazing" I said caressing his face. well,
actually, my tormented conscience still didn't let me feel the ultimate
pleasure but I couldn't tell him that, not after the way he had just made
love to me. I could tell he found it weird. it wasn't typical behavior for
me. I always came when we made love even if I was bottom.

"are you sure?"

"yeah" I took his arm and put it around me as I spooned myself against his
chest and laced my fingers through his. After a few minutes, I heard his
breathing change and I knew he had fallen asleep but I was still wide awake.
I held his hand tight, feeling the guilt come back tenfold and I started
softly crying myself to sleep.
I couldn't believe I had been stupid enough to jeopardize such an amazing
relationship. I really didn't want anyone else but him. I just didn't know
what was the best thing to do.

---------

The next Monday, we were back in the studio and I had the hardest time
concentrating on my playing. I was very important to the band. The producers
worked with me much more than they did with the guys because I was the one
who wrote the songs, they listened a lot to what I had to say, to my ideas.
For them, Rob and I were the glue that held the band together. We were the
ones who came up with melodies and ideas for lyrics most of the time and Rob
was the leading member because he was the singer. We didn't really feel like
there was a leading member though, we were all equal but it's just that Rob
was the one people knew of because he was the one journalists focused their
interviews on since he was so charismatic.

I don't know how he did it. He was just so different when he was around fans
or journalists. He was this self-assured, funny, outgoing, independent guy
but when we were alone together, he was not like that. He was much more shy,
sensitive and insecure. He was able to put on a show for the public, to be a
different person outside to protect himself. He just had two sides of his
personnality and I felt like there was one which was just for me and his
close friends and family. I liked the idea that people didn't  know who he
really was and how he really felt deep down. And I knew that I was the only
one he didn't hide anything from. He needed me as much as I needed him.

So, to come back to me and music, I knew how to write a great song, I was
damn good at it too and If I was in the mood, it felt like inspiration just
came from above. To me it was pretty easy and I didn't feel like what I was
doing was so amazing but others did.
I could just play for an hour and find a new melody really easily. I guess
it was a gift. I always came up with great sounds and new ways of
transforming a basic melody into a pretty special song. The producers were
very impressed most of the time when we worked together because I was always
bringing something different to the songs, my own touch, my own sound and it
usually made the difference between a regular song and a very special one.

And since I was still quite young, they had big hopes for me. The way I
played guitar or piano really gave an identity and a special sound to our
music. Professionals had trouble deciding whether we were more Rock, or Rock
alternative. It was in between I suppose. I didn't really care. To me It was
just us, no need to put a name it, a bit like being gay actually.

Plus I don't mean to brag but if I just repeat was the people working with
us were saying about me, I was an extremely talented individual, a band all
by myself and with the right help at the right time, I had the power and the
talent to make UNI famous and respected worldwide. I had already  gained the
respect of a lot of people at BMG because I was serious, hard-working,
dedicated and talented, but we all were. They told us we were the kind of
band that doesn't come around every day. They were sure this album was going
to bring us worldwide success. we had already received plenty of very good
critics in magazines about our live performances and professionals were
waiting for us around the corner. When they first wrote a review in NME, it
was pretty rewarding because that's where we had always wanted to be. They
said we were a very promising band.

With this new album, it was whether we would fall flat on our faces, which I
was sure we wouldn't or we would start becoming really big.  All the songs
had something different to them and they were all really good. It was much
much better than the first one and yet, the first one had done really well
but we were too young. We needed time to evolve and learn. I felt like it
was only really starting. the road was long and the door was open for us.

That morning, I had several takes to record but I was not into it at all and
I kept messing it up, it just didn't sound like me playing at all. I wasn't
playing with my heart, I was just playing, not concentrated on what I was
doing.

"mark what's wrong with you? Did you lose your touch over the weekend or
something?" Nigel complained

"I'm sorry, can I take a break for a few minutes, I'm really not into it, I,
I need a break"

I left the studio, hearing Nigel complain as he told Dylan they were gonna
work with him

I went into the hallway and sat on one of the sofa, holding my knees close
to my chest, thinking about the popular saying, `don't let your personal
life interfere with your professional life', yeah well let me tell you,
easier said than done. After a few minutes of torturing myself, Jordan
joined me on the sofa

"You look preoccupied Mark, you look like you don't really wanna be here, it
isn't like you, is everything ok?"

"no, it's not " I had to get it out and jordan was the next best thing after
Rob, if I couldn't tell Rob, I'd tell him

"what's wrong?"

"I had sex with Rachel on Saturday" I blurted out, surprisingly calm

"WHAT?" he asked almost laughing "wha..how.. what?"

"you heard me! How bad is it?"

"well ...it's not very good. How did that even happen?"

"I don't know, we were so wasted. We ended up alone in Katie's bedroom and
Rach started you know, asking me to...and I just did"

"Oh man, you really shouldn't drink you know, it makes you think straight,
that's really dangerous" he kidded but my sense of humour had vanished at
that point. "Are you gonna tell Rob?"

"Do you think I should? How do you think he will react?"

"I don't know. He's your boyfriend, not mine. But I don't think he's gonna
like it though, I mean, Rachel? you couldn't screw anyone else? She's
like the ONE person he's really jealous of and you go and fuck her. Anyone
else would have been better than her"

"thanks, Jordan, exactly what I need to hear"

"well, you asked me, what do you want me to say? that he's not gonna care
when it's pretty obvious that he will"

"I don't think I can tell him, it's too hard, maybe it's best if he doesn't
know. That's just gonna hurt him and it's not like I want to break up with
him and date rachel, I want to be with him, not her"

"yeah but ... is it really that big a deal? I mean, don't you guys like fuck
around anyway? If he's ok with letting you sleep with other guys, why
wouldn't he be ok with that after all?"

"because I cheated on him. If we both have sex with someone, we're not
doing it behind each other's back. It's not cheating"

"it isn't ? Sound pretty much the same to me. But, I don't know, I don't
get where is the line not to cross in your relationship. You just have a
weird way of doing things when it comes to sex. But I suppose sleeping with
a girl is not really ok. I can't believe she finally got what she wanted.
she must be pretty satisfied right now"

"what, you think she was planning this?" I asked him curiously

"maybe not planning it, but waiting for an opportunity, yeah, definitely! I
told her I could sleep with her whenever she wanted to but apparently she
wanted a challenge" he joked and laughed

"oh god, don't tell me you fancy her?"

"why, would that make you jealous? I gotta admit, she's pretty hot"

I laughed but didn't answer.I just thought that would be weird if she dated
someone from the group

"God, Jordan, what I am gonna do?" I said burying my head between my knees

"look, don't do anything. it's pretty clear you don't want to tell Rob and
maybe it's best that he doesn't find out about this. Make sure Rach won't
say anything and just forget that it ever happened. You were drunk, people
do stupid things when they're drunk. That will teach you a lesson!"

"yeah, well, I learned my lesson all right!"

"so? first time with a girl right? doesn't make you want to be straight?"
he laughed

"not really, no! I don't even remember how it felt like"

"arg, you just don't know what you're missing"

"well, neither do you!" we laughed. That was true though, straight guys
just don't know what they're missing.

"hey, who knows? maybe I'll try someday, faut pas mourir con, right?" he
joked. This was a french expression I used often and the guys knew it by
heart. Basically it meant, 'you don't wanna die stupid so you have to try
everything'

"really? hehe wanna try with me and Rob?" I said, laughing, not meaning it
at all

"ew, thanks but I'm good, eww" he laughed some more

I was starting to feel a little better. There was something about Jordan
that made you want to be in a good mood. He was always cheerful and
cool about everything ! I loved him, well not like that, but I did, he was
great. And even if I didn't think of him in a sexual way, I had to admit he
was a very good-looking guy. Dark hair, blue eyes, nice body, he was
well-proportioned. He had a very sexy attitude. When he played on stage, he
always danced a bit, moving his body to the music from side to side. That
made him look really sexy. The fans really liked him. he and I always fooled
around on stage when we played.
We were always smiling, laughing, dancing a little, singing. We didn't just
stand there and played, doing our own thing, we communicated a lot with
actions, all of us really but Jordan and I, it was like non stop, on every
kind of songs. He was so much fun. Our fans loved watching us play. I
suppose it was very entertaining and Rob being the entertainer that he was,
it made us a pretty awesome band to see live. We played differently during
gigs, it was not like listening to the album at all. we added new songs, did
some covers and I always played different riffs to link one song with the
other, we changed some stuff, even some lyrics sometimes, Rob did that a lot
and each gig was different. It was something the fans really appreciated.

Anyway, so after talking to Jordan, I just decided to block the whole thing
out! I was just gonna forget about it and get on with my life! I threw
myself completely into the album. I gave everything I could possibly give. I
wanted this album to be perfect and I knew it was going to be. I was in
competition with myself. I wanted to be the best I could possibly be. I
wanted fame, success and respect for the band and I was determined to do do
everything it took to get it.

Rachel and I almost stopped talking after dylan's birthday. We quickly
discussed the sex thing again but I was so busy with the album that I didn't
have time to hang out with her and if I had time, I didn't really call her.
I started to feel like we were growing apart and maybe it was best that way.
I was always with Rob, I spent every free time I had with him because he was
the one I wanted to be with. That thing with rachel had made me realize
again how much I loved him.

But of course, with my luck, everything couldn't be so perfect. I felt like
I had it all but things just couldn't stay that way now, could it? That
would have been too much to ask I suppose.
And only three weeks later, we were still working in the studio when Rachel
called me on my cell while I was working with Nigel and asked me to come
over to her place as soon as I came back home. She sounded really weird on
the phone, telling me it was very important and I started to panic,
wondering what could possibly be wrong, hoping it wasn't what I thought it
was. We came back home around 10pm and I told Rob I needed to talk to rachel
quickly about something. He didn't really understand why I needed to see her
at that time but he didn't say anything, just told me not to be too long. I
went over to her place and as soon as I entered her bedroom, she looked at
me, freaking out and blurted out "I'm pregnant Mark"

yeah, I knew it, what else could it be? Shit, Shit, Shit! I had thought
about that but I honestly didn't think It was going to happen. it felt more
like a silly fear. I mean what were the odds?

"oh god, are you sure? really? ohhh god, that's bad"

"I should have had my period a week ago but I'm always a bit late so I
didn't worry too much about it, but I bought a pregnancy test this aftenoon
just to make sure and it's positive. Oh my god, Mark, what are we gonna do.
I can't believe this, i can't believe I'm pregnant. I don't wanna be
pregnant. what am I gonna do?" she asked freaking out, almost crying

"I don't know, I have no idea, maybe the test is wrong, are you really sure
it's positive?" I said, hoping maybe there was still a very slight chance we
could get out of this.

"yes I'm sure, shit, why didn't you use a condom, I mean don't they tell us
enough everywhere that we're supposed to use condoms" she yelled at me

"because I didn't have any, and that was the last thing on my mind. And the
way I do it, I don't really have to worry about rob or I getting pregnant"
and she sniggered
"I wasn't exactly planning on having sex with you. And you're supposed to be
on the pill, you slept with paul for months and all of a sudden you have sex
with me and you get pregnant?"

"yeah well I'm sorry but I didn't really need to take it lately, and I
always forget the thing since I don't have a boyfriend anymore ... jeez,
what
do you think? that I did this on purpose? Oh my god! you think I did this to
set you up?" she said sounding very mad

"did you?"

"what?" she yelled at me  "Fuck mark how can you think that? You think I
want to be pregnant right now? I'm 18, I have better things to do. You
think I like the idea of having a baby come out of my vagina ? and with you?
Jeez, I thought you knew me better than that, Ok I wanted you, but I was
drunk, I didn't have sex with you, hoping you I will get pregnant and you
will have to marry me or something like that! I'm not completely fucked up.
I know who you love, and who you want to be with, and I know it's not me.
But I just wanted you to screw me, plain and simple"

"alright, alright!" I said trying to make her stop yelling  "it doesn't
matter anyway, it's done now! my god, rach, what are we gonna do?"

"I don't know, I'm gonna have to tell my parents, they're gonna help me
right? oh god they're gonna kill me, that's bad,
that's really bad" she was really freaking out, crying a little.

"do you think you should get an abortion?"  she looked at me horrified
"yeah I know, I'm sorry, forget I even said it, that's not a good idea, I
can't believe I even said that"
like I told you before, catholicism was part of our upbringing and we had
some strong beliefs. Now, I know being gay wasn't exactly something the
church approved of but we were capable of thinking out for ourselves and
there was a huge difference between loving someone and killing someone, even
a fetus

"You still haven't told Rob anything about us, have you?" she asked

"no! ohhhh no, that's even worse now, I should have told him right away, I
never should have listened to Jordan" I sighed

"I'm sorry, Mark, really, it really wasn't my intention. I'm so scared, I
don't know if I can have a baby, it's crazy, I'm not ready for this. You're
gonna help me right? you're not gonna let me deal with this alone, right?"

"of course not, rach, it's gonna be fine, we're gonna work this out ok." I
was surprisingly ready for this, I wasn't freaking out that much, it was
like I was accepting it. I had made a mistake and I was now paying the
price. I couldn't fight it, there was nothing I could do. I just had to
accept it.

We talked some more, trying to find solutions and we decided to talk to her
parents soon. It was getting late and I knew I had to go home, Rob was
probably waiting for me, and this time I had to tell him. I just had to.

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I hope you liked it! please, send me a little note to let me know what you
think!
keeps me motivated to write more!