Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2004 20:31:05 +0000
From: Ze Me <pookie_story@hotmail.com>
Subject: Pouts 2

I was walking down the street towards school. It was one of those perfect
days: sunny, not one cloud in the sky, a soft breeze, not too hot, not too
cold. But I was totally depressed. I hated being mad at Adam. It wasn't the
first time that we had a fight, but this time I just felt that it was
different, like I knew that maybe things wouldn't get better. I looked
around and could see Adam getting into his car and driving away. I sighed
and continued my walk down to school.

It was a surprise to see Cathy standing in front of a tree holding her
books. She was looking down and it was obvious that something was wrong

"Hey girl! Everything ok?"

She looked up at me and I could see that she had been crying: her eyes were
red and swollen, her face showed her sadness, and she seemed like being two
seconds from just crying her heart out. She looked up and gave a huge sob,
"I kind of need someone to talk to..."

As I dropped my things and hugged her, she started crying on my shoulder and
I just let her lean there. After a while, I took a step back and with the
back of my sleeve cleaned her eyes, "Now...what's wrong?"

She took a deep breath and looked at me, "She broke up with me...said that
she didn't want to go though the long distance shit..."

I nodded, and she continued. " It's like everything in my life is fucked up.
She broke up with me, my parents are always fighting, I am the fucking new
girl at school, I don't know anyone, and I hate my house..."

She let out a loud sob and I hugged her again. For the next minutes my
problems seemed minimal next to hers, in a strange way I was feeling better,
but all that mattered at that moment was Cathy. I looked down at her and
wiped her eyes again. "Now, I know it's hard to adapt to new places, and
ending a relationship is worse, but you've got to move on, and you're not
alone. I'm here for you!"

She gave me a little smile and started searching for something on her purse

"What are you doing?"

She found the make up kit and looked at me, "I'm not going in there looking
like this!"

I groaned, smiled and watched her make herself beautiful. After that we were
late for the first class: Chemistry.  I sat in the back of the classroom to
avoid contact with Adam. He was sitting three chairs in front of me. I was
trying to pay attention and learn something, but my mind was to busy with
what to do. We both had said things that we shouldn't have been said, but he
was being stubborn and stupid, and I wasn't going to give in. I was going to
be more stubborn than him.

After that class it was Math time. Luckily the teacher had some kind of
problem and didn't come, so we had two full hours free. Cathy wanted to go
watch the football team practice. I tagged along, since I didn't had
anything better to do.

Our school is one of those schools that breathe football! We have a really
good team, and won lots of competitions. So the most natural thing was to
build this huge field. Cathy and I sat and had a full view of the field, and
I understood why Cathy wanted to come: cheerleading practice. It was quite
funny, the girl was watching the cheerleaders and the guy was watching the
football team...weird!

"Are you and Adam mad?"

I took my gaze from the field and nodded.

"I hope I'm not the cause of all this..."

I squeezed her hand. "Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong...me and
Adam...we are always fighting, we're both too damn stubborn for our own damn
good..."

She smiled. "He didn't like me..."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't say that he had loved her. "He'll come
around, he's just being an asshole..."

She looked up at me. "But you do know that the whole school thinks that
we're dating..."

I laughed, "If they only knew..."

She smiled. "Yeah...at this moment I regret coming here. It's a great town
and all, but I came from a bigger city, I had more freedom. Hell, here if I
speak the word gay people go ballistic."

I sighed. "Try living here your whole life... It sucks...I know...but it's what I
have...gotta stick to it..."

"Don't you have a dream? I mean don't you have plans for the future?"

I thought about it for a while. I never actually wondered what I wanted to
be. My whole life, everyone had always said that I should be a doctor so I
had naturally accepted it. "I don't know, I always had this interest for
animals..."

"You mean you want to be a vet?"

"No...I don't think that I could take care of them...but like...I don't know...study
them or something...but I'm gonna be a doctor..."

She seemed confused. "But you want to study animals..."

"Yeah...but I want to be a doctor, since I was little..."

She looked at me and studied me for a while. "You want to be, or people told
you that you should be?"

I sighed, "I can't say that I didn't have a little influence from family..."

"You should be what you want to be. You only have one opportunity to live,
you're not gonna spend it doing something that you hate..."

I looked at her surprised. " Where is this coming from?"

She looked down, "My girlfriend used to tell me these things... she was so
cool, I really liked her, hell I loved her... she was older, but I didn't
care..."

I put my arm around her, "You still like her, huh?"

"Do you ever stop loving someone?"

That sentence was in my head for the rest of the day. I thought about it. If
we really like someone is it possible to stop liking them in a flash? Can we
really stop liking people? I knew Adam since forever; we had been through a
lot. He was my best friend. I cared a lot for him! I wouldn't give up on our
friendship like that. I couldn't. I needed Adam in my life. I had to solve
the problem.

After the last class I told my plan to Cathy and she smiled and told me to
go for it. I was waiting for Adam at the front gate. I was nervous and I
didn't know what to say. I spotted him with two of his friend from
basketball.

I tapped his shoulder, "Hi... Adam...can we talk?"

The other two gave me a funny look. Adam looked at me and I could see the
surprise on his eyes. He said goodbye to the other two and turned his full
attention to me. " Sure..."

I was nervous. "I kind of regret some things that I said to you..."

His face was frozen. He hadn't moved a muscle.

"I care a lot for you as a friend, and I really can't lose my best friend...I
just hope that you can forgive me..."

He didn't say a thing for a few seconds. I was starting to worry when he
sighed.            "Damn, why do I forget the camera when I need one. This
is like one of those things that happen once in a lifetime: Nate Bradford is
sorry!"

I smiled. "Ok, you can stop being a jerk now!"

He laughed, "Its alright, man, we were both out of line yesterday, I was
going through some heavy shit, but its ok now..."

I smiled, "We're cool then?"

"Yeah we're cool!"

"Cool, then you can give me a ride home!"

He rolled his eyes. "I knew that there would be a catch!"

I laughed and we walked towards the car. As I was opening the car door I
waved at Cathy who I could see was walking to her house.

"Why don't you invite her? I can give her a ride home..."

I looked at him a little shocked and broke into a huge grin. I ran to Cathy
and convinced her to come with us.

Cathy was sitting on the back seat grabbing her books and with a shocked
look on her face. I wanted to laugh at the situation but I managed to
control myself. Adam surprised me by making the first move.  "So Cathy you
like this town?"

We were stopped in a red light, and Cathy looked up at Adam's back with her
eyes bugging out. Fortunately she managed to compose herself. "Yeah, its
cool!"

Adam smiled, "Don't worry, you'll like it pretty soon...if you want I can show
you around sometime..."

Cathy looked at me, I shrugged. She thought for a while and broke into a
grin. "Sure that would be cool; maybe you could tell me a lot of
embarrassing stories about Nate!"

I knew that I was dammed the moment I heard that. Adam broke into a huge
grin. "Oh, I have a lot of those..."

I whined, "Can we change the subject now?"

"You're lucky, here's my house, thanks for the ride Adam, I'll see you guys
tomorrow!"

Cathy got out and walked towards her house. I turned to Adam. "You were
nice...thanks..."

"She seems like a nice girl..."

We felt into an uncomfortable silence for a while. I didn't know what to
say, until he surprised me with the question. "Is she your girlfriend?"

He was looking straight ahead with this serious look on his face. "No, we're
just friends..."

I could swear that I saw relief on his face. I was wondering why. He stopped
in front of my house and the opportunity to ask had passed. I jumped out of
his car and waved him goodbye.

I must say that I slept better that night. I was at peace with myself and
that was great. The next morning,, I was awakened by the doorbell ringing. I
waited a few moments until I remembered that it was the day when my mom
would be at work early. I groaned and walked towards the front door like a
zombie.

I opened the door. "Yes?"

In the state that I was, I managed to realize that I was talking to a girl.
She was tall and seemed to be older. I presumed that she wanted to sell
something. " I don't want anything!"

I started closing the door when her hand stopped me. "Wait, I'm sorry for
coming this early, but I need to talk to Nate Bradford, is he home?"

I woke up instantly, "That's me..."

I looked more closely and could see the signs that she hadn't slept for a
long time. She was pretty. Her brown hair was long, curly at the end. She
was looking right at me with her green eyes, and I was feeling a little
uncomfortable.

She sighed, "Look, I really need to talk to you, it's kind of urgent!"

I wasn't convinced. "Look, I'm sure that there would be a better time to
talk, I have to get ready, and I have classes..."

"It's because of Cathy!"

I stopped talking and looked at her shocked. How did this woman know Cathy?
"Who are you?"

She dropped her hand and looked down. "I'm Cathy's girlfriend..."

I shook my head. "No way, her girlfriend, or should I say ex-girlfriend is
in another town..."

She gave me a desperate look. "Look, its really me, I'm Amanda, I don't know
how I can prove it, I just need to talk to you, please!"

I studied her again. She seemed to be telling the truth. I groaned," Come
in, but I warn you, if you try anything funny I'll kick your ass, I'm a
black belt!"

She smiled, "Don't worry, I'm too tired to fight..."

I walked into the kitchen. "You want something to drink?"

"Water please!"

She sat and looked around, I started looking for coffee for me. "Nice
kitchen you've got here!"

I handed her a glass of water. "Thanks, my mom decorated it!"

My mom was an extravagant person, and she tried to make everything big and
flashy. Our kitchen was red, with a black counter and white cabinets. My dad
objected at first, but mom always got her way, no matter what. I got used to
it after a while, but fortunately I managed to keep my bedroom the way I
liked.

She took a sip of water, and I heard her stomach rumble. "You hungry?"

She blushed and nodded

"I'll make you something. I can't cook, so what about cereals?"

When she blushed her cheeks would turn bright red, it gave her a cute look.
"I don't want to bother you, I just want to talk!"

I grabbed two cereals bowls. "Don't worry, and I'll have some company for
breakfast..."

She gave in and shrugged.  "It's your house!"

I sat and handed her the bowl. "So what did you want to talk about?"

She looked at me. "I need to know where Cathy lives..."

"Mind telling me what for?"

She sighed, "I wanna see her and talk to her..."

I ate a spoon full of cereal. "Cathy is a really cool girl, I need to know
what you're gonna say to her, I don't want to see her hurt even more!"

She looked at the bowl. "I know I fucked up...but my parents found out...I had
no choice...they forced me!"

I heard her voice tremble.

"Hey, calm down, calm down... take your time!"

She took a deep breath and pushed the hair from her eyes. "Cathy and I dated
for two years. I was 18 and she was 15 at the time. At first it was just
experimenting for us, but after a while we started connecting and well, we
fell in love. I mean, we were best friends before this, we didn't even
suspect, but one thing led to the other and well. we started going out."

I was eating the cereals and focusing on what she was saying

"Well, we managed to keep things for ourselves and started making long term
plans, you know the usual...  But then, she moved. I didn't want to break up,
we promised to wait until she finished high school and then we would move in
together. Everything was perfect until my mom read my diary...pretty lame
huh? A 20 years old with a diary, and still living with her mom?"

I shook my head, but she ignored me.

"My mom flipped out! She told my dad and they forced me to become "normal"
or I was out of their house, I was scared, I gave in, and broke up with
Cathy. But after hearing her cry and when I hung up my phone...I was so
devastated...It like I had taken part of my heart out..." She wiped her eyes
and took another deep breath. "So, two hours later I was out of my house,
with all that I managed to take from home and found my way here. Cathy had
talked to me about you, and I managed to find where you live... you know that
your school's security sucks ..."

I was absorbing all this and had forgotten about the cereal. When I snapped
out of my concentrated state, I noticed that I had a spoon full of cereals
in mid air.

"Well, you can come with me to school and we'll find her..."

She nodded, "Thank you..."

I dropped the bowls by the sink. "No problem...I just hope that you make
Cathy happy... what are you gonna do now?"

"I'm gonna find a motel and a job...I don't know, all that matters now is to
find Cathy, the rest can wait.."

I smiled at her and grabbed her hand. "I hope that everything turns out good
to you!"

She smiled back "Thanks..."

"Now...I'm gonna shower `cause I stink. You can wait in the living room, I'll
be down quickly!"

She nodded. I showed her the living room and went to my shower. While
refreshing I thought about all that she said. It was clear that she felt
something deep for Cathy; she had given up on her parent's support for
Cathy. I sighed wishing to have the same thing. I tossed a towel around my
waist and climbed out of the shower. I opened the door of the bathroom and
almost felt on Amanda

She looked at me and blushed, "I'm sorry, I was looking for the bathroom..."

I grinned and pointed to the door behind me, she entered it and I laughed
about the whole situation.

When she came out I was fully dressed and ready to go. When we were at the
front door I remembered something. "Hey, I have a better idea!"

She looked curious. "What?"

"You can't go to high school, people will suspect something,  I mean... a 20
year old in high school?"

She looked down. "You're right..."

"You can stay with Mrs. Anderson. I'll convince Cathy to skip P.E and I'll
drag her there!"

"I don't wanna bother anyone. I can wait somewhere else..."

I spoke in a firm tone. "I don't wanna leave you alone, and she is a very
nice lady, I'm sure she won't mind!"

"Are you sure about this?"

I grinned, "Totally! Don't worry she wont bite!"

Amanda followed, obviously apprehensive. I spotted Mrs. Anderson watering
her plants. I waved at her and she smiled.

"Good morning Natie, who's this nice lady with you?"

I kissed her forehead. "Good morning, Mrs. Anderson, this is my friend
Amanda, can she stay over here for a while?"

Mrs. Anderson didn't take the smile of her face. "And why is that? Are you
in trouble young lady?"

Amanda blushed, before she could answer, I spoke. "She needs to speak to a
friend, and I can't take her to the school, it will be quick I promise!"

Mrs. Anderson sighed," You are one crazy young man, but I don't mind, she
can help with my flowers..."

Amanda smiled, "I love flowers, I won't mind helping!"

"Well, I'll be back in two hours, you two be good!"

They didn't even hear me; they were already too engrossed in flower talk. I
groaned and ran to school.

I was late to the first class, but I didn't care. I caught Cathy after the
second hour and convinced her to skip P.E with me.

"Where are we going?"

I continued dragging her through the hall. "I want you to meet someone!"

"You're not playing matchmaker are you? I hate that!"

I laughed, "No, don't worry!"

She tried to get information from me but I ignored her and kept on walking.
When I saw the front door I turned to her. "Now, no matter what happens, I
want you to promise me to not be mad at me!"
She got a confused look on her face. "What do you mean?"

"Just promise me!"

"Ok, ok, I promise you, but you're scaring me,  Nate!"

I hugged her. "Don't worry, I would never hurt you!"

I entered the house and heard the voices in the kitchen. Cathy was starting
to get suspicious until I heard Amanda laugh and she froze. I looked at her
and saw hurt, confusion and pain all together in her face. I hugged her.
"Don't worry, everything will be ok!"

She started to walk away, but I grabbed her. "Give her a chance, ok?"

Cathy's eyes got huge and she stopped pulling; I turned around and saw
Amanda standing there looking at us. I let go of Cathy and walked towards
the kitchen not wanting to disturb them.

Mrs. Anderson said. "Nice lady, ..very polite and friendly!"

I sat on the nearest chair. "Yeah..."

She sat in front of me and smiled, "I hope that everything clears up between
those two... you know they remind me of an old friend of mine and his
boyfriend..."

I felt like my eyes almost fell from my face. I was shocked. "Huh?"

She laughed. "Don't be so shocked! He was and still is my best friend...very
stubborn but a very good person, I introduced him to his lover, and they
fought a lot, mainly because the lover had some problems with his
sexuality..."

"Mrs. Anderson, I didn't know...someone I know?"

She got up and grabbed a photo album. "It's here somewhere...he is now in
another city. We talk a lot and write to each other, he's thinking of coming
over here!"

She sat next to me and showed her photo album. The first photo was obviously
of her on the beach with a couple of guys. One of them was clearly a jock;
the other had this sad aura on him. The next photo was of Mrs. Anderson
hugging the sad guy in a garden, they had the look of two guys hugging like
old pals, and then they were kissing. I looked at Mrs. Anderson and she just
smiled. "The blond one is Mike, the other is Brad!" I continued looking at
the pictures and saw another of Mike with a trophy, and of both smiling like
crazy at the camera with a fish in their hands.

"Good times those...they're happy now...really happy, adopted two kids..."

I was about to reply when Adam appeared through the back door of the
kitchen. "Hey, mom, Nate? What are you doing here?"

I smiled, "Your mom was showing me some pics..."

He looked at the album and grinned. "Oh, Mike and Brad's album? I've seen
it; she loves to show that, they are a great couple!"

"You've met them?"

He grabbed an apple. "Oh yeah, they came here last year, they're pretty
cool, Mike even played a little ball with me!"

"You're going to practice now?"

He looked at me. "Yeah, I'll see you later!"

He walked out through the back door and waved back, I laughed, "That guy is
always busy..."

Mrs. Anderson looked at me with a weird look in her eyes and got up smiling.
"I think it's a good idea for you go and check on those two..."

I nodded and walked towards the living room. I peeked in and spotted Amanda
sitting on the couch. I walked quietly over and saw Cathy lying on Amanda's
lap smiling. I looked at Amanda and she nodded at me.

"I guess this means that you two are ok again?"

Cathy grinned.

"I hate to say this, but we still have some classes to go...!"

Amanda sighed, "Yeah, it's a good idea that I go find somewhere to stay,
even start looking for a job..."

Cathy looked up at her. "You're gonna be ok, babe?"

"Now that you're back in my life, of course I'm gonna be ok!"

They kissed and I smiled at the scene. After that, the day was boring as
hell, Cathy spent all day sighing and dreaming. I tried to bring her back to
reality but I guess she was too far-gone.

The next day I was feeling really tired, I didn't even knew why. I was
feeling really drowsy and I was always fading off and falling asleep. At
lunch break I was sitting with Adam and Cathy.

"You ok Nate? You seem a little distant?"

I looked at Cathy.  "Oh, no...I'm just a little sleepy..."

Cathy didn't seem convinced, neither did Adam, but they didn't bother me
anymore. After classes Adam invited us to his house for a little snack. We
were sitting in his living room, me next to him, cussing about some teacher;
I was starting to feel dizzy. I looked at Adam and I noticed those eyes
again. I don't know why but those eyes managed to captivate me every time I
looked into them. He was looking at Cathy and I could see his face muscles
move every time he spoke, but I wasn't hearing a thing; Adam was the only
thing that I was focused on. The last thing I remember was the feeling of
Adam's shoulder on my cheek and how good it felt.

I woke up looking at an old man's face. He was looking at his watch and
holding my wrist, probably checking my pulse. I looked around the room and
noticed that it was Adam's. I saw him standing there with a worried face,
next to Cathy and his mom

"Glad you could join us, son, you feeling ok?"

I turned to the doctor and nodded.

"You know what's wrong with him?"

Adam seemed really worried, he was agitated, tapping the floor with his foot
and had his arms crossed.

"I just need to ask some quick questions from sleepy beauty here!"

I smiled at that.

"You're taking any drugs?"

I shook my head, ..No.

"You're on any kind of medication?"

I shook my head again. He looked at me puzzled.

"You eat anything today?"

"The usual, cereals...and lunch at school..."

He smiled and walked towards Mrs. Anderson; they walked out of the room.
Adam and Cathy were by my side before I knew it.

"You ok?"

I sat upright on the bed. "Yeah, just a little dizzy... and thirsty..."

Adam got up. "I'll go and get something for you to drink"

"That boy will do anything for you..."

I looked at Cathy. "It's mutual..."

She grinned, "Are you sure you two are just friends?"

I blushed, "Of course, I have known him since forever..."

She laughed, "That never stopped anyone!"

I changed the topic. "You called my mom?"

"You really know how to change the subject... But yeah, we called her, she is
on her way here!"

And right after she said that, my mom appeared out of nowhere. She almost
ran to me, "Are you ok? What happened to you?"

"I'm ok, mom!"

Cathy was holding back her laugher; my mom looked at me and surprised me by
hugging me and squeezing all of my air out.

"I was so worried, Mrs. Anderson called and said that you had fainted, you
never fainted before in your whole life..."

I tried to push her away, but she had a death grip on me. "I'm ok mom,
probably just too much sun or something..."

"I'm sorry for interrupting, but I need to talk to you Mrs. Bradford!"

I looked up and saw the doctor and Adam on the doorway looking at us. My mom
kissed my forehead and walked towards the doctor. Adam walked towards me and
handed me a glass of water.

He sat next to me with a worried look. "You ok?"

I laughed," Yeah, you know...I'm getting tired of that question!"

"You scared the hell out of us!"

I looked at him and smiled, "I'm ok, probably just the heat or something..."

He looked at me, not buying my excuse. Frankly, I was a little scared by
what happened. I had never fainted in my life, much less like this! I didn't
remember doing anything wrong or taking something that I shouldn't...I was
confused, but having Adam next to me brought a sense of security. Since I've
known him, he just radiated an aura of security and safety. I always felt
better when he was by my side. I looked up at Cathy and noticed her grinning
at me. I gave her a confused look and then I noticed that I had been resting
my head on Adam's shoulder. I sat up abruptly and could feel my checks
turning red. I got on my feet and stretched my sore muscles.

"I'm going downstairs and see what's wrong, thanks for the bed Adam..."

He was looking at me worried. "Are you sure you're ok?"

I smiled, "Sure, It was just a faint, I'm ok..."

He bit his lip, it seemed like he wanted to say something but he shrugged it
off. I walked out of the room towards the kitchen. I walked into it and the
talking stopped. I turned to the doctor

"So what's wrong with me?"

He gave a little smile. "Well, it could be nothing or something! It could be
just tiredness or it could be something bigger, I'm sure it was just lack of
good eating and sleep. But just to be on the safe side, I arranged for you
to go to my office tomorrow and I'll do a check up!"

My mom looked worried. "I'll make sure he goes!"

After all the thanking and goodbye I found myself in my living room watching
TV bored out of my skull. My mom insisted on feeding me like I was a third
world kid. I thought about all that had happened that day. I was jealous of
what Cathy had: of having someone that could just love you that much. I also
thought of the last thing I remembered before fainting: Adam's shoulder. It
just felt so right to be leaning into him like that. I had known him since
forever, but we rarely had physical contact, a hug here and there, but
rarely touched. I couldn't like Adam? It just wasn't possible, but on the
other hand, he was cute and I noticed that every time I looked at him. I
loved his eyes, his arms, everything. But I always thought that it was just
my gay side working, and that it was just physical, that I really loved him
like a friend, but now everything that I had thought was being tested!

The next morning I woke up feeling surprisingly well. I had Biology to
start, but not even that could take the smile out off my face, and I had no
idea where the smile had come from. I got through the usual morning routine
and found myself making the also usual morning walk to school. I didn't see
Adam's car at his house, ..bad luck for me. No ride today. I sighed but
after going only two steps I was started by a honk right next to me. I
looked and saw Adam grinning. "Need a ride?"

I grinned back, I don't know why but this warm feeling came through me and I
grinned wider." Of course, I can't go nowhere without my personal driver!"

He laughed and drove off with me. "So feeling better?"

"Yeah, really great actually...!"

"Good dream?"

"Honestly I don't know...but who cares...I'm happy!"

He smiled and continued on driving. We were in a comfortable silence for a
while, until I decided to break the ice.

"So, you've got a game today, don't you?"

"Yeah, nothing big, just a school from across town...you gonna watch?"

I smiled,"Sure, I'll even bring Cathy, and maybe Amanda!"

We had arrived at school. While we were parking I noticed Jess walking
towards the car. "Well, I guess your girlfriend is coming, I'll see you
later!"

I got out of the car and walked towards the main gate. I looked at the car
and saw Adam and Jess kissing, I quickly turned around feeling sick and saw
Cathy.

"Good morning, you feeling any better?"

I still had the kiss planted on my face. "Yeah... Amanda found a place to
stay?"

"Yeah, she called me saying she is in a motel and went looking for a job
today... I'm so happy..."

I nodded and noticed Adam passing with Jess, with his arm around her. Cathy
turned to me. "You okay? You seem a little sick..."

I looked down, suddenly all the happiness had got out of me. And I was even
more depressed because now I knew the reason. I was in love...with Adam.

I skipped the game. I didn't want to see Adam, I needed to think. My mind
was running a thousand miles an hour. I needed to clear out. Cathy didn't
leave my side the whole day. She was probably scared that something would
happen to me again. I walked towards a park near school and found a little
playground. Cathy seemed surprised to see me going there. I sat on the swing
and stared at the sand. Cathy sat on the swing next to me and waited a few
moments. I knew she was waiting for me to say something, but I just didn't
know what to say

"You come here a lot?"

I turned to her. "Yeah, its quiet and I like this..."

She nodded and waited again. I could feel her eyes on me, but my brain had
stopped, I didn't know what to do.

"You ok?"

I nodded. Silence again. I started swinging, slowly.

"You know... You can talk about it... I'm not gonna laugh or anything...I'm here
to listen, just like you were when I needed..."

"I know..."

She sighed, "Its about Adam isn't it!"

I continued staring at the ground.

She groaned, "You can be one stubborn bastard when you want to..."

I turned to her and gave her a small smile. "Thanks!"

She rolled her eyes, "I talked to Amanda yesterday...we discussed this whole
thing..."

Now I was interested.  "Oh really?"

"We agreed on one thing!"

"And what was that?"

"That you're totally head over heals with Adam..."

I sighed and looked down again.

"Thought so... You know it's not such a big deal..."

"Oh no? How would you feel if you fell in love with your best friend?"

She laughed, "Actually... Amanda and I, we friends before we start dating..."

"Really?"

"Yeah...took some balls to admit, but I kind of found out that I was in love
with her...and then one thing led to another and well, here we are now..."

"Adam isn't like that... I know it! It just isn't there, I know he loves me,
but not in that way..."

She walked to me and knelt on the sand in front of me. "Even if that is
right, you should be honest with your friends...Adam is obviously not bothered
by the gay world, I think that you own him that..."

"No, no way, I am not going to tell him that I like him, that would ruin
things between us..."

She smiled" Do you really think so? Don't you feel something when you're
near him?
Its obvious, even I can see it!"

I closed my eyes. "Cathy please don't give me ideas, I just don't want to
suffer anymore..."

She grabbed my hand. "How so?"

I sighed, "Adam's not my first crush! I had others and all of them made me
suffer, and you know why? Because I dreamt, I made movies in my head, and
when things wouldn't be real I would just feel empty, I don't want to dream
anymore, I just don't..."

"I can't believe I'm going to say this, it will sound very cliché, but
dreams are what makes you move on, not reality! If you don't have dreams you
won't get anywhere..."

I shook my head, "Right, its easy to talk...but I'm used to it! I mean, I have
to be, right? I have to just swallow my problems and keep a smile on, and
pretend that I'm normal, that I'm happy, that I dream of the girl next door,
that I actually drool over skirts!"

I got up from the swing. "I just...Its easier this way...if I pretend...I won't
get hurt...you have someone, I don't...I'm alone in this...I just have to keep
going...and hope that maybe someday things will change...but for now...I have
to keep on smiling and move on..."

She looked at me and crossed her arms. "You're acting like a victim here!"

"I'm not a victim, I'm just trying to survive, some people have the courage
and the means to just come out and be proud, I don't...I just can't, I'm not a
victim, I'm human...I love Adam, its true, but I just have to pretend that
there is nothing and smile about it...simple as that!"

She threw her arms in the air" You gonna cry now? Please Nate you're better
than that! You know damn well that things aren't like that, you have me to
help! You're just afraid of getting hurt...that is comprehensible... you're
afraid of rejection...that too, but you cannot be afraid of being you, that
you have to face...no one asks you to go to a fucking parade and shout that
you're gay...you just have to admit to yourself and like that!"

I walked towards my backpack" Well...I'm glad that you're ok with yourself,
I'm am in a way...I just...well...I just pretend that I'm not like that, until I
can..."

She walked towards me and grabbed my shoulders looking straight at me" You
are not like this! I know it! You're hiding and doing it pretty well! Take
the time that you need, but don't run from what you are!"

I hugged her" Don't worry, I'm ok...I have to be...I'll see you tomorrow!"

I walked of with my head full and tears forming, fortunately I managed to
hold them until I was out of Cathy's sight.

TBC:...