Date: Thu, 18 Feb 2010 22:28:36 -0500
From: bigmoh@post.com
Subject: Reluctant Mentor

THE RELUCTANT MENTOR

PART ONE

Richard Chambers (known as "Rick") was lounging at poolside one
afternoon at the Club House of his upscale condo complex.  He hadn't
done much of that since moving in two years ago because his wife,
Janice, fell ill.  He took an early retirement at age 55 to care for
her, which consumed most of his time.  He was not unhappy to escape
corporate politics because he was a private man with a strong sense
of independence and found the corporate culture of "network" (Who do
you know?) was more important for recognition and promotion than
one's technical savvy.  Nevertheless, he had adapted, if grudgingly,
and had risen to executive level.

Visiting the Club House with its pool, first-class exercise
facilities, and other amenities had been influential in relocating
there but he had had very little chance to take advantage of those
benefits because of his wife's illness.

After his wife's death, Rick had abundant free time but grew bored.
And lonely.  Very lonely.  His three children were married and lived
more than a thousand miles away.  He had no siblings.  His parents
and only sister were dead and he had had little to do with his
uncles and cousins for years -- not since he left the family farm
vowing never to be a farmer.  Although he and Janice had had an
active social life, "their" friends were mostly "her" friends
although he enjoyed the socializing.  He was not a religious man so
he had no friends from church.  Since retiring, he consciously
avoided his former colleagues from work, having never formed a true
friendship with any of them.  And, because of the circumstances of
his wife's illness, he hardly knew his neighbors' names, much less
counted them as friends.

Given the freedom to do whatever he wanted, he seized the
opportunity.  But he found his freedom was less of a blessing than a
curse.  He went to the theater, concerts, and baseball games.
Alone.  He went camping in the mountains.  Alone.  He made the
rounds of his favorite restaurants.  And ate alone.  He read books
that he never had time for.  But his loneliness persisted.

During many evenings that frequently spanned into the early morning
hours, he surfed the Internet, indulging himself in something that
he had long wanted to do but rarely could.  He visited gay web
sites.  Although he had been married, had children and
grandchildren, and lived a disciplined straight life, he had longed
for the pleasure of a man's company for almost as long as he could
remember, back as far as puberty in the rural Bible Belt.  He could
have created several opportunities for extra-marital encounters with
both males and females during his many business trips but he felt he
couldn't risk his career or family obligations with blatant
indiscretion.

The turning point for Rick came one morning (almost noon, in fact,
since he had been up late surfing and slept late).  He sat in the
kitchen eating breakfast, feeling sorry for himself.  He was lonely,
even more than when he was a loner in high school and working on the
family farm after school and for long hours all summer.

"Dammit!" he said aloud to himself.  "This can't go on!"  He vowed
then and there to break out of his shell, to force himself to meet
other people, and hopefully to gain a few friends.

He spent some time trying to think of ways to meet people.  Sex was
not his objective.  He was physically fit but at his age, he felt
the chances of finding a partner were slim to none.  Rather, it was
the company of other people in order to break out of his lonely
existence that occupied his thoughts.  There were a number of
volunteer organizations that would welcome his participation.  He
filed that thought away to investigate later.  There was Harry
Jenkins, whom he and his late wife met on a cruise a few years ago.
He liked Harry and his wife, Ella.  They had met a few times as
couples for dinner after the cruise and Rick thoroughly enjoyed
their company.  He could re-connect with Harry.  No.  He dismissed
the thought.  They travelled extensively and were rarely around.
What to do?  His mind drew a blank.

He gazed out the window and saw the roof of the Club House.  "Well,"
he thought.  "That might be a start.  I'm sure to meet people
there."  He had another thought.  As long as he was going to the
Club House, he might as well take his swim trunks along.  A few laps
in the pool followed by a cold drink at poolside might pep up his
mood considerably.

The pool was not crowded at two in the afternoon so Rick was able to
swim unimpeded for almost an hour.  Then the pool started to fill
up, mostly with high school kids.  Rick got a tall ice tea from the
refreshment bar and settled himself into a deck chair at poolside.
His thoughts returned to why he was there -- to find friends -- and
he began to have doubts about whether his plan would work.  Then,
his attention was drawn to the young people frolicking in the pool.
He envied their energy and playfulness.  He was jealous of and even
resented their camaraderie, something that he craved in his life.

He was about to leave when he noticed a young man diving and
swimming alone.  He watched for a while longer.  The boy never
interacted with any of the others.  At one point, he sat on the edge
of the pool watching the two or three groups of boys as they
splashed, laughed, and teased each other playfully.  Then, in a
frightening moment, his mind flashed back to a time when he was that
solitary boy on the edge of the pool.  It was on a very rare
occasion when, as a senior in high school, he attended a party at
the home of one of the "townies" in his class.  Everyone at the
party had a marvelous time except him.  He was, as he was throughout
high school, the odd man out, a "curve breaker" with consistently
high grades, a loner, and not one to actively seek friends.  Rick's
attention returned to the present and he wondered, "Could that young
man sitting on the edge of the pool be as lonely as I felt almost 40
years ago?  Could he be condemned to isolation as an adult as I now
am?"

The youngster swam a bit more as Rick watched for any signs of
mingling with the others in his age group.  There were none.  In
fact, although Rick couldn't hear what was said, it appeared that
one of the other teens spoke harshly to the outsider who promptly
got out of the pool and started walking toward the exit, looking
decidedly unhappy.

"Excuse me, young man," Rick said as the boy walked past.

The teen was surprised and looked curiously at Rick.

"I wonder if you could do me a favor.  I seem to have a cramp in my
leg.  Would you mind getting me a tall ice tea from the refreshment
stand?  Get a drink for yourself if you like.  Tell them to put it
on Mr. Chambers' bill."

The boy paused but then said, "Okay."

When he returned, with only one drink, Rick asked, "Didn't you want
one for yourself?"

"No, sir.  But thanks anyway."

"And I thank you," Rick said.  "My name is Rick Chambers ... but you
already know the Chambers part.  I live over in building nine."  The
young man just stood there without introducing himself so Rick
continued, "And your name is?"

"Todd," he replied curtly.

"Nice to meet you, Todd.  And thanks again for fetching my drink.
Care to sit a while and keep me company?"

Todd gave a quick glance back at the pool, looked down at his feet,
and said, "Better not."  He then walked quickly toward the exit,
leaving Rick to wonder why he had turned suddenly apprehensive.  As
he thought about it, however, he put two and two together and formed
a tentative conclusion.  It was unusual and perhaps suspicious for a
grown man to invite a young man's company ... even in a very public
place.  His half-formed theory was reinforced when he recalled that
Todd seemed to be an outcast and left the pool when another boy
spoke, possibly cruelly, to him.  "Damn," he cursed himself.  "How
could I have been so stupid?"

For the next week, Rick went regularly to the pool in the afternoon.
On two of those days, he saw Todd and greeted him by name.  Todd
acknowledged the greeting but neither made any further conversation.
Rick now had two objectives.  The first remained: to meet people and
try to make friends.  It took second place, however, to a new one.
He would try -- if it was at all possible -- to help Todd escape
what was an increasingly apparent isolation and loneliness.

On Saturday, Todd was with two adults, no doubt his parents.  All
three had a wonderful time in the pool.  It was the first time Rick
had seen Todd laugh.  In a lucky break, Todd's parents got out of
the pool and settled in deck chairs nearby.  Feeling somewhat more
at ease introducing himself to strangers lately, he said, "Hi.  I'm
Rick Chambers.  I'm fairly new to the Club House but I've lived here
for a couple of years."

His greeting lacked originality but was met with a cordial response.
"I'm Tom Peterson and this is my wife, Ann."

"You must be Janice Chambers' husband," the woman said.

"True," Rick replied.

"I was sorry to learn of her passing," Ann said.

"It was not completely unexpected," Rick replied.  "She had been
quite ill for some time."

They chatted for several minutes -- the usual get-acquainted banter
-- before Rick felt comfortable broaching the subject that had been
bothering him.  "You have a fine son.  He was kind enough to fetch a
drink for me on my first visit to the pool."

"Thank you," Ann said as she and Tom glanced at each other.

"Forgive me if I'm out of line but I've seen him here a few times
and the other boys seem to ignore him.  I'm guessing that -- since
you just moved here -- he's the `new kid on the block' and hasn't
broken into the others' cliques.  Teenagers can be so ... so ...
well ... inconsiderate of a newcomer."

The Petersons glanced at each other again, this time visibly
anxious.

"I apologize," Rick said.  "I really was out of line."

"No apology needed," Tom said.  "The story is really more
complicated.  Since everybody else seems to know, there's no reason
why I shouldn't tell you.  We moved here largely because of Todd.
He's gay.  Students in the school he used to attend found out when
he and a boy he was ... ah ... being familiar with ... had an
argument.  The other boy spread the word throughout the school that
Todd was queer.  From that point on, he was treated worse than a
leper."

"How sad!" Rick said.

"Yes," Tom continued.  "Todd came home from school one day in tears.
Ann and I finally got him to explain why.  That's when we found out
he was gay."

"Were you upset?" Rick asked.

"No.  Disappointed, maybe.  And certainly concerned over his
unhappiness.  But he's our only child and we tried to tell him we
loved him.  At the end of the school year, we moved here, hoping
that being in another school district would rescue him from the
malicious bigotry.  We talked to him at length about the need to be
careful about what he said and did.  At least until he was out of
school.  And he has been.  But his reputation followed him.  We
don't know how but we suspect someone from his old school had a
friend or relative attending the current school.  In any case, the
other boys avoid him.  And tease him.  And taunt him.  I must say, I
admire him for putting up with it."

"I also admire him for that," Rick replied sincerely.  "And I admire
you for accepting and supporting him."

"Fortunately," Ann added, "we can still talk to him.  Unlike some
teens, he hasn't shut us out and we can be honest with each other.
In fact, he told us about your asking him to get a drink and then
inviting him to sit down.  I think he used good judgment in
declining.  Not that you had any other motive than to be friendly.
Don't get me wrong.  It's just the appearance that would be harmful.
The other boys would falsely assume the worst."

"Frankly," Rick said, "I'm awed by what you've told me.  I think you
have every reason to be proud of your son.  And I hope he recognizes
what fine parents he has."

"Thanks," Ann replied.

Rick said, "It's odd but from watching him in the pool and from what
you've told me, he's very much like I was at that age.  It's as if I
can feel his pain."

Tom's expression soured for an instant and he said, "How's that?"

Rick suddenly realized that he may have given clue to his gay
yearnings and he scrambled to think of something to say that would
minimize the potential damage.  "Well, I was a loner in high school.
I had no close friends.  It was not a happy time for me."

"Oh," Tom said.  "For a minute I thought...  But that was silly.
You were not entirely like Todd.  You were a married man."

Rick's relief over having avoided exposing his secret self lasted
only a moment.  His concern for Todd's happiness -- now and in the
future -- gained prominence in his mind and gave him courage to say.
"I was more like him than just being a lonely outsider.  I felt the
same urges in high school that Todd feels.  The big difference
between my situation then and Todd's situation now is that my
parents would not have been so understanding."

"Now I'm confused," Tom said.

Rick replied, "Granted, I haven't been very clear in what I've told
you.  I'm telling you something that I haven't told anyone else so
it's difficult for me.  But let me try.  When I was Todd's age, I
was attracted to other boys.  Girls didn't interest me in the
slightest.  My Dad hired a farm hand for the summer, a very handsome
college student.  We were out in the barn one afternoon and he
seduced me.  No, seduce is not the right word.  It would be more
accurate to say that he gave me the opportunity to experience what I
wanted all along.  That turned out to be the happiest summer of my
teenage years.  Then, when I went away to college, I met Janice.  We
fell in love, married, and I've enjoyed every moment I was able to
spend with her and my children.  So there you have it.  I had a gay
relationship that lasted all summer but since then have lived a
completely straight life.  I hope you're not shocked but I just
wanted you to know why I understand what Todd is going through."

Tom and Ann sat quietly, trying to absorb the surprising disclosure
from someone whom they had just met.  Time passed very slowly for
Rick who feared that his comments may have demolished what he had
hoped would be the beginning of a friendship with people whom he
just met but liked and admired.

Ann broke the tension of the moment when she grasped Tom's hand,
looked at him, and said, "Do you suppose...?"

Tom smiled at his wife and replied, "Perhaps.  But Todd sounded so
sincere and convincing when he told us.  I don't think it's a
passing stage."

"No," Ann said.  "What I meant was, do you think Todd might feel
better talking to someone who's been through what he's going
through?"  Suddenly turning to Rick, she added, "I'm sorry.  I'm
proposing something without asking if you would be willing to help
Todd."

"Well," Rick hesitated.  "I don't know whether I can help.  I'm
certainly not a psychologist.  I do want to help Todd; that's for
sure.  But all I can offer is a sympathetic ear.  And maybe help him
think through his own decisions."

"We can't ask for more than that," Tom said.  "If you're willing, it
certainly can do no harm and may help him.  We would appreciate
you're doing us the favor."

"Please, Rick," Ann said pleadingly.

"I'd be honored," Rick smiled.

Exuberantly, Ann said, "Will you join us for dinner tonight?  I have
a casserole in the oven now.  We'd be delighted to have you join
us."

"That's very kind," Rick grinned.  "I haven't had a good home-cooked
meal in some time.  Nor have I had the company of pleasant people.
What can I bring?"

"Yourself!" Tom exclaimed.  "About six?  We're in building two,
second floor."

"I must say, I'm delighted," Rick said.  "But I have a suggestion.
Let's not concern ourselves with Todd's problems tonight.  Let's
just make it a `get acquainted' evening.  I think Todd will have to
get to know me before he's receptive to any deep discussions.  And,
for that matter, I need to get to know Todd.  With luck, over time,
we can build a rapport and trust that will allow me to talk to him
about matters that he may not want to talk about."

"Splendid idea," Tom gushed.

The Petersons returned to their condo full of hope that they had, at
least potentially, found a way to help their son.  Todd accompanied
them, glad to leave the taunting teens in the pool behind, curious
about his parents' inviting Mr. Chambers to dinner, but still
unaware of the plan his parents had hatched.

Rick returned to his condo amazed and worried about what he had
gotten himself into.  Still, he thought, if there was a chance of
helping Todd and a chance to gain two new friends, it would be a
double win for him.  Little did he know at the time the twists and
turns in his life that lay ahead.

Rick spent the time before leaving for dinner at the Petersons
worrying.  Although he hoped that he could help a troubled young
man, he might not be of any help if Todd was not willing to trust
him and talk about a very private problem.  What could he do without
any expertise in counseling?  A second concern was also troublesome.
Interacting with a known gay may stir feelings that could be
dangerous if the interaction went beyond conversation.  That would
be the worst possible outcome for both of them.

He nervously rang the Peterson's door bell just before six and was
warmly welcomed by Tom who ushered him into the living room where
Todd was reading.  "Good evening, Todd," Rick said.

"Good evening, sir," the boy replied.

"Oh my!" Rick said.  "I haven't been called that for longer than I
care to remember.  Please call me `Rick'

Todd looked at his father briefly and said, "If you like.  But Dad
said I should always show respect by addressing adults by sir or
ma'am."

"Sound advice!" Rick grinned.  "But, if you don't mind, I'd prefer
that you call me Rick."

Todd checked with his Dad who nodded his approval.  "Okay," Todd
said with a noticeable lack of conviction over violating his
father's advice.

"That was awkward," Rick thought to himself.  "Am I pushing too far
to fast to win Todd's confidence?"

Ann came into the room carrying a tray of appetizers and the
foursome settled in for half an hour's lively conversation. Todd did
not participate actively until the subject of baseball came up,
which was fortunate because it became pivotal in forging the
friendship between Todd and Rick.  The tipping point was Rick's
mentioning that he attended a game in 1964 when Mickey Mantle hit a
ball that cleared the 22-foot high screen beyond the 461-foot marker
at Yankee Stadium.  Todd, like Rick, was an avid baseball fan and
throughout dinner and the rest of the evening, they monopolized the
conversation.  Tom and Ann didn't mind because they recognized that
it fit well into the plan of winning Todd's confidence in Rick as
more than a neighbor and casual friend of his parents.

When Rick offered to take them all to a ball game, Tom said, "That's
very kind of you but Ann and I don't share Todd's interest in
baseball.  I've taken Todd to a few games but I can't analyze the
finer points of the game like he can.  I have no doubt that you two
would have a great time."

It was settled.  Rick would get tickets and let the Peterson's know
the date.  Todd was genuinely excited about going to a game.  Tom
and Ann welcomed the turn of events that--they hoped--would lead to
helping their son cope with his isolation.  Rick looked forward to
building a friendship with the Petersons and doing whatever he could
to help a lonely, tortured young man.

Two days later, Rick called Tom.  "I have two tickets for Thursday
night's game.  It's a school night.  Is that all right?"

"Normally, I'd have reservations, Rick.  But considering the
circumstances, I have to approve.  And thank you again for your
help."

"Great," Rick replied.  "I have another question.  Would it be all
right if Todd and I had dinner that night before the game?  He can
choose between Burger King and a steak house.  And, of course, the
obligatory hot dogs at the game."

"Good idea," Tom enthused.  "I'll tell Todd.  What time do you want
him to be ready?"

"Let's say six.  That will give us time for a meal and get to the
stadium in plenty of time for the game."

When Rick hung up the phone, he was almost euphoric.  Not only could
he go to a game--not alone but with someone but that someone was an
admirable young man who he might be able to help.  But could he,
after all, be of any help?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But he had to try.

Rick rang the Peterson's bell promptly at six on Thursday to be
greeted by Todd who was wearing a baseball cap and jersey and nearly
beside himself with excitement.  Rick was only slightly less pleased
at the thought of the evening's outing.

Typically for a teenager, Todd chose the Burger King option for
dinner.  The rapid-fire conversation over their meal focused
primarily on baseball.  They each challenged the other with trivia
questions with Todd taking great delight in confounding his host
with more than a few questions.  Their frequent outbursts of
laughter amused the other diners but, significantly, were the
perfect catalyst for a deepening camaraderie.

It would be impossible to say which of the two enjoyed the game
more, in spite of friendly disagreements about the strategies for
pitching, fielding, and batting.

After the game, Rick drove home, parked his car, and walked Todd to
his parent's condo.  Tom and Ann invited him in.  They indulged
their son for twenty minutes of animated recap of the game before
Ann said, "I'm delighted you enjoyed yourself, Todd.  But you have
school tomorrow and I think you ought to go to bed ... not that I
expect you'll be able to go to sleep right away but try."

Todd hugged both his parents, thanked Rick profusely, and went down
the hall toward his bedroom.

Tom then said to Rick, "It seems you've made quite an impression on
Todd.  I don't think he's been so excited for a long time.  You may
get tired of me saying this but thanks again."

"I think we've made some real progress, Tom.  But I still don't know
when or whether Todd will be comfortable talking to me about very
personal matters.  I still want to help.  More than ever, in fact.
But we'll just have to see how things develop."

"We understand that," Ann said.  "But I'm an incurable optimist.
And I trust you to do whatever you think is right ... whenever that
may be."

"I'm flattered," Rick replied.  "But I wish I could share your
optimism.  Opening up to an adult who is not a family member will be
a huge hurdle.  I've given it a lot of thought but I don't have a
magic formula yet.  There is one question I'd like to ask that may
help me.  Does Todd know that I know he's gay?"

Tom and Ann looked at each other.  Tom said, "No.  It's never come
up."

"I see," Rick said thoughtfully.  "Let's keep it that way.  I think
I may have an idea for bringing the subject up.  It's not a fully
formed idea but I'd like to keep the option open."

"Of course," Tom agreed.  "As we said, we trust your judgment."

Rick then returned home.  He didn't surf the web that night as he
usually did.  He had too much to think about.  He had connected
surprisingly quickly with Todd; they had begun to form a bond that
could lead to some serious discussions.  But Rick was still
apprehensive about how to help the young man.  Talking about
isolation and loneliness was one thing but delving into the reason
for his being ostracized by class mates would be difficult.

Eventually, he fell asleep thinking about Todd and what a mature,
courageous teenager he was.  He soon woke with a start, however,
interrupting a disturbing dream in which he and Todd were in bed
together, both naked and embracing.  They were grinding their firm
erections against each other.  He was simultaneously repulsed and
aroused at the thought.  He lay there with the memory of the dream
disrupting his mind.  "NO!" he exclaimed aloud to himself.  "It
cannot ... must never ... happen!"  He rose out of bed to go to the
kitchen.  As he did so, he noticed his cock was harder than it had
been in years.

Sitting at the kitchen table sipping on a glass of warm milk, he
tried to analyze what the dream meant and what it might mean to his
attempt to counsel Todd.  He knew that Todd was gay.  He knew all
too well that he had unfulfilled yearnings himself.  He also had to
admit that he admired Todd's personality, character, maturity, and--
yes--his physique.  But he also reminded himself that he had not
once thought of him as a sexual partner.  Why then, did he become
one in his dream?  After considerable thought, he began to unravel
the mystery.  First, he had wanted but had denied himself male
companionship for decades.  Second, he was no longer bound by the
obligations of a marriage.  Third, he was lonely, very lonely, and
at least subconsciously craved companionship.  Finally, Todd was not
only an extremely personable young man but a particularly stunning
specimen of masculinity even at his young age.  The conclusion was
as distressing as it was inescapable.  He was emotionally and
sexually attracted to Todd.

He sat there for nearly an hour, haunted by feelings that had been
uncloaked by the dream and by the unacceptability of any actions
that might be triggered by those feelings.  When he finally returned
to bed, he was almost afraid to go to sleep lest he be cursed with a
similar dream.

He saw Todd at the pool the following day.  Todd greeted him
enthusiastically.  Rick was more restrained, still bothered by his
unwelcome dream and, to tell the truth, his conflicting feelings.
His altruistic hope of helping Todd had, regrettably and
frightfully, begun to morph into an inappropriate attraction to a
gay nearly 40 years younger then he was.  The two motives were
incompatible.

Todd tried to engage Rick in a conversation but got a minimal
response.  Frustrated, Todd asked, "Are you all right, Rick?  What
happened to that talkative guy who took me to the ball game?"

"I apologize," Rick replied.  "I'm fine.  I guess my mind was
somewhere else."  Indeed it was.  But the troubled man could never
reveal what--or, more accurately who--was distracting him.  By force
of will, he suppressed his concern and chatted until it was time for
Todd to return home for supper.

By that evening, Rick had reluctantly come to a conclusion.  What he
must do was the least odious of several options.  It would be
painful for him but was, he thought, the only right thing to do.  He
phoned the Petersons.  Tom answered.

"Hi.  This is Rick Chambers.  I'd like to talk to you and Ann.  In
private.  Is there a convenient time we could get together?  Perhaps
here at my place?"

"Is something wrong?" Tom asked, concerned over Rick's serious tone
and ominous request.

"Not yet," Rick said.  "Everything is fine.  Now.  But there may be
a problem in the future.  I want to avoid it."

"We can come over right now if you think it's urgent.  Todd's doing
homework in his room.  Ann and I can make an excuse to leave for a
little while."

Rick thanked Tom, hung up the phone, and tried to steel himself for
the conversation that he dreaded.

After letting Tom and Ann Peterson in, Rick was so nervous that he
neglected to offer them any drinks or refreshments and, instead,
launched right into what he knew he had to say.  "This will be
difficult for me.  I really don't know how to explain things but I
need to try.  Please be patient with me.  I told you when we first
met that, as a teenager, I had the same feelings as Todd.  I was
attracted to other boys and to men.  That was the truth.  But not
the whole truth.  The fact is, I'm still gay.  I've never told
anyone that and I'm telling you only because ... well ... because
it's important that you know.  Yes, I know, I married and lived a
straight life.  I've had a good life as respectable husband and
father but I can't deny my fundamental nature."

"Okay," Tom interrupted.  "You know that we don't condemn
homosexuality."

"For that, I'm grateful," Rick said.  "It means a lot to Todd that
you accept him as he is.  But that leads me to the reason I asked to
see you.  You may not want your son associating with a 57-year-old,
single, gay man.  I want very much to help him cope with harassment,
his isolation from school mates, and with his sexual orientation.
Please don't doubt that.  But if you now want to decline my offer of
help, I'll certainly understand."

Tom and Ann looked at each other for a moment before Ann said,
"Rick, it seems to me that the fact that you're gay makes you even
more qualified to help Todd.  Empathy with his feelings can only
make any advice you give more valuable."

"Maybe.  Maybe not." Rick sighed.  "Let me be more specific.
There's a danger.  It's painful for me to say this but decades of
frustration ... and now alone since my wife died ... have left me
vulnerable to temptation.  Moreover, I don't think I have to remind
you that a teenager's raging hormones can overcome his better
judgment.  The danger, therefore, is that either or both of us will
want to do more than talk.  I would hate myself if that happened.
More importantly, it can't be good for Todd.  I've wanted to help
him.  I still do.  But God forbid if I were to hurt him in any way."

Tom and Ann exchanged glances again before Tom said, "Rick, we told
you before that we appreciate your help and that we trust your
judgment.  Candidly telling us your concern only confirms our
confidence that you will do what's best for Todd."

"I appreciate your trust," Rick replied.  "But I don't trust myself.
It's unlikely that the occasion would arise but if it did I'm not
sure I could resist the temptation.  I'm very lonely.  I have
physical and emotional needs that could weaken my will power and
lead me to do something very foolish.  To be brutally honest, Todd
is a very handsome young man.  Perhaps you can't understand but I'm
afraid of doing something with him that would scar him for life.  I
couldn't bear that."

Tom and Ann sat quietly for a few moments, as if suddenly grasping
Rick's meaning, weighing the probabilities of a sexual encounter,
and speculating on the consequences for their only son.  Tom broke
the uncomfortable silence.  "I understand your concern, Rick.  I
suggest we take some time to consider our options."

Rick thanked his visitors for their understanding as they left,
reassured them that Todd's well being was his prime concern, and
repeated his willingness to abide by whatever decision they made.

Tom and Ann found Todd asleep when they arrived home so they took
the opportunity to discuss what to do.  After careful and sometimes
agonizing thought, they agreed on a plan but it was too late in the
evening to phone Rick with their idea.

The next day, a Saturday, Tom phoned Rick just before noon to say,
"Todd will be spending the afternoon in the library.  Can you come
over for lunch?  When Todd leaves, Ann and I have a suggestion that
we hope will meet with your approval."

Rick agreed but still harbored doubts that he and Todd would be
seeing each other for the conversations that he had hoped would lead
to sharing of personal matters.

Todd was exuberant during lunch.  Tom and Ann were gracious but
yielded to their son's eagerness to talk to Rick who forced himself
to keep up his share of the conversation.  He tried valiantly to
hide his curiosity about the parents' promised suggestions.  Only
with great effort was he able to conceal his fear of a potentially
dangerous turn of events when alone with Todd.

Ann cleared the table while Todd gathered his things for the visit
to the library.  Tom and Rick made small talk in the living room.
When Todd left, Ann joined her husband and guest for what she hoped
would be a resolution to the problem.

Tom began the discussion.  "My first reaction to what you told us,
Rick, was, quite frankly, surprise.  And concern -- concern for both
Todd and for you.  Ann and I discussed the situation at length and
we've come up with a suggestion.  It was actually Ann's idea.  Why
don't you explain it, dear?"

"I did think of it but Tom and I agree," Ann said.  "First of all,
we believe your primary interest is helping Todd and that will guide
what you say and do.  We still trust your judgment.  More
importantly, we trust Todd's judgment.  I don't think it's just
parental pride but he's wise beyond his years.  I doubt he would do
anything ... or, to be blunt ... will not let you do anything
foolish.  Just the age difference would discourage any improper
behavior.  That seems to eliminate or at least minimize the risk for
Todd.  Does that sum up our discussion, Tom?"

"The first part, yes," Tom replied.  "But there remains another
problem that Ann and I cannot ignore.  You've said that you don't
trust yourself.  We do.  But we're more than hesitant to ask you to
work with Todd because we assume it would be uncomfortable for you
to be with him.  How do I put this?  If you are, indeed, attracted
to him, the frustration of not ... well ... showing your affection
could be upsetting.  We're not willing to ask you to make that
sacrifice."

Ann quickly added, "That brings us to our suggestion.  You may
consider it off the wall but here it is.  When the time is right --
and the sooner the better -- tell Todd that you're gay like him.
He'll be as surprised as we were but it may open the door for
serious discussion.  Immediately tell him, however, that there can
be nothing between you but conversation.  I'm absolutely sure he
would agree to that.  We suggest you assure him that you will not
report back to us about anything he says.  I think that will
alleviate any reservations he has about opening up to you.  He's
been very open with us, and we with him, but there are some things a
teenager doesn't want to say to his parents.  You might encourage
him to talk to us as well but talking to you and hearing your
advice, I'm convinced, will help."

Tom interrupted.  "So there's the problem, Rick.  We can't ask you
to do it if it would cause you pain.  The decision is yours.  We'll
understand and respect whatever decision you make.

Rick thought about Tom and Ann's suggestion for several moments and
then said, "I'm impressed by your obvious trust in your son's good
sense and judgment.  Based on my limited acquaintance with him, I
have to agree that he's a very mature and sensible young man.  I'm
flattered by your trust in me after what I've told you although I'm
afraid you're being too optimistic.  In spite of that, I accept the
responsibility.  It may not be easy for me at times but after more
than 30 years of honoring my marriage vows, I'm accustomed to
suppressing my feelings.  And controlling my behavior.  I just hope
I can continue to do so.  Todd deserves a happy future and if I can
contribute to that, I'll be pleased.  You have my word that -- in
the unlikely event that things start to get awkward -- I won't allow
myself or Todd to cross the line."

Tom smiled and said, "That's something Ann and I also discussed, as
you might well have guessed.  If Todd initiates something AND if you
feel it would be helpful and not hurtful to him, then we would not
object.  Provided, of course, that you make it clear that he should
seek out someone his own age for a committed relationship.

Rick was stunned.  "I can't believe you said that!  Do you mean..."

"The chances are slim to none," Tom replied.  "But IF that's what
Todd wants ... AND IF you feel it would help him, then allow him the
experience.  Obviously, however, it cannot be a continuing
relationship.  Please make that clear to him."

Rick was astonished that Todd's parents would, in effect, grant a
license for casual sex with their son.  It took a while for him to
reply.  "I don't know whether to be pleased or frightened by what
you've said.  It would be the realization of a dream for me.  But it
also increases the challenge by making it somewhat more acceptable
to..."  He couldn't finish his sentence.  How could he explicitly
mention having sex, even though the discussion thus far was
unambiguous.

"We recognize the position we're putting you in," Ann said.  "But
we're also convinced that you, like us, have Todd's interests in
mind.  And we're confident that you will be guided by that.  Why?
Because of everything you've said since we've known you.  Your
concern for Todd is obvious.  Your willingness to explain the risk
was honest and courageous.  Your sense of honor is commendable.
We're asking a lot of you.  Are you still willing?  You're free to
say `no' ... now or at any time.  We'll understand.  With no hard
feelings."

"I'll try," Rick said.  "But let me emphasize.  Anything that Todd
and I say to each other about being gay ... or anything that we may
or may not do ... I will treat as confidential.  If Todd wants to
tell you, that will be his choice but I will not report to you and I
will explain that to Todd."

"Of course," Tom and Ann replied in unison.

Rick returned home filled with awe over his discussion with Todd's
parents and feeling an increased burden of responsibility for
helping Todd without inadvertently saying or doing something that
might hurt him.


Three weeks passed.  At least once a week, he ate supper at the
Petersons or hosted them for an evening meal.  Rick and Todd spent
most of each Saturday together, visiting museums, attending ball
games, playing billiards at the Club House, and thoroughly enjoying
themselves in a variety of activities.  Their rapport was rapidly
reaching the point where Rick felt he had won the young man's trust,
which would allow the serious conversation that Rick had been
planning.  The opportunity presented itself when Tom telephoned Rick
on Thursday night.

"First of all," Tom began, "I want you to know that there's been a
significant improvement in Todd's attitude.  It's been a long time
since I've seen him so happy and at ease.  He's constantly telling
us what a good time you two have together and even asks when you can
come visit.  Ann and I are grateful."

"I assure you," Rick replied, "the pleasure is mine.  I don't recall
having as much fun since my own children were small."

"I also wanted to tell you that we're leaving tomorrow night to stay
the weekend with Ann's parents.  Her father is ill; we don't know
what the problem is.  The lab tests are not back yet but Ann wants
to spend the weekend with them."

"I see," Rick said, saddened that he would face a lonely weekend
without Todd's energy to liven up his life.  "I hope Ann's father
will be fine and that you enjoy your visit."

"Well," Tom said.  "That brings me to the next reason for the call.
Todd is very disappointed.  He's been looking forward to his
Saturday with you.  He even asked if he could stay here.  Neither
Ann nor I are comfortable with that.  He's eighteen and very
responsible but leaving him alone for two days is more than we're
ready to do."

Without hesitation, Rick said, "He could stay with me.  That would
solve the problem, wouldn't it?"

"I was afraid to ask," Tom said.  "You've done so much for him but
babysitting him for two days is a lot to ask."

"Nonsense!  I would enjoy it.  You and Ann won't have to worry.
Todd will be happy.  I suppose his grandparents will be disappointed
that they don't get to see him but, given the circumstances, they
probably wouldn't be in the mood to entertain a rambunctious
teenager."

"You're sure you don't mind?"

"On the contrary.  I'm delighted.  Moreover, I think the time is
right to have a talk with Todd.  I think he might be willing to open
up to me now."

"You're too kind, Rick.  I'm more than grateful for everything
you've done."

Todd was elated when his parents told him he could spend the entire
weekend with Rick.  Rick, however, had mixed feelings.  Yes, he
would enjoy Todd's company.  But his apprehension grew.  Chances
were that they would have a discussion about gay sex.  That, in
turn, could lead either to an awkward situation in which Todd
requested a sexual encounter or to two nights of agonizing
frustration as Todd slept in the guest room.  Could he think
rationally about what was best for Todd?  Could he find the words to
bring up the subject of sex?  Could he then offer any meaningful
advice to help Todd cope with his homosexuality, the verbal abuse
from his peers, and the isolation he endured?

Rick and Todd had supper Friday night at a steak house, went to a
movie, and stopped on the way home at an ice cream shop for desert.
Todd had a great time.  Rick only pretended to.  The intended
conversation about gay sex weighed heavily on his mind.

When they returned home Rick said, "I hate to sound like a parent
but it's late.  We'll have to be up early in the morning to drive to
the fishing lodge."

"Would it be all right if I showered first?" Todd asked.

"Of course.  There are fresh towels in the bathroom.  I'll grab a
shower when you're finished."

Todd walked down the hallway to the bathroom, leaving Rick sitting
on the sofa ... and visualizing his young friend standing naked
under the hot shower.  Would he jerk off?  Very likely, Rick thought
as his own cock began to swell.  "Damnit," he muttered.  He reminded
himself of the absolute need to avoid sexual contact.  Still, he
couldn't stop thinking of what it would be like to be in the shower
with him.

He fought with his conscience for a long time but the mental image
of Todd standing naked in the shower and stroking his firm cock
dominated his mind.  Long-suppressed desires awoke within him and
could not be quenched.  Rick's cock responded as expected to the
lascivious thoughts that were cascading throughout his brain and
overpowered any hope of rational thinking.  In the midst of his
mental turmoil, he was startled when he heard Todd call his name.
He jumped and turned to see Todd standing just a few feet away from
him.  A towel was wrapped around his waist.  Rick's obsessive train
of lustful thoughts persisted and he immediately concluded that
there was only a bare crotch under the towel.

Todd said, "I just wanted to thank you again for letting me stay
here.  Dinner, movie, fishing tomorrow ... it's really great.'

After a momentary but agonizing battle with himself, Rick was able
to seize control of his senses enough to stammer, "No problem, Todd.
I'm happy to have you here."

Todd noticed the man's nervousness.  His expression suggested
fright, and anxiety was evident in his voice.  "Are you okay?" he
asked.  "I didn't mean to scare you."

"I'm fine," Rick lied.  "Really.  I guess I'm just used to being
alone and forgot for a moment that you were here."

Todd was not convinced and he studied his host.  It was then he
noticed the tell-tale bulge in the man's crotch.  It surprised him.
He had never thought of Rick or any other older man getting horny
but immediately thought, "Why not?"  Attributing Rick's nervousness
to his arousal and not wanting to embarrass him, Todd said, "Okay.
I'm off to bed.  The shower is yours."  He walked down the hall to
the guest room oblivious to the cause of Rick's arousal.

A few minutes later, Rick took his shower while chastising himself
for letting his desires trump his resolve not to allow his feelings
to interfere with his goal of counseling Todd.  He allowed himself a
thoroughly satisfying jerk-off while trying -- unsuccessfully -- not
to think of Todd.  Finally in bed, he lay awake, deeply troubled by
the thought that the desirable young man was in an adjoining room.
After what seemed like ages he fell asleep but not for long.  He
woke trembling because the disturbing dream reoccurred -- with one
significant difference.  Again they were cuddling naked in bed.
They were fondling each other but both of their cocks were soft
without any hardening response.  It was as if they were both
enjoying a post-orgasmic bliss.  Rick was disturbed and feeling
somewhat guilty.  The rest of the night gave him only fitful sleep.

The alarm clock (which he had not used for a long time) blared at
six.  Slight disoriented, he slammed the off button and then
remembered that he and Todd were going to the fishing lodge that
day.  He dressed and knocked on the guest room door with no response
from inside.  He knocked harder and called, "Todd!  Time to get up."
There was still no response.  He opened the door only to find the
bed unoccupied but made up as though it had not been slept in at
all.  Total confusion overtook his mind.  Where was Todd?  Where did
he sleep?  Only when he heard the toilet flush and, moments later,
the bathroom door open did he solve the mystery.

"Good morning, Rick," Todd said cheerfully.  "I'll bet you thought
I'd sleep in.  No way!  Can't be late leaving for the fishing trip,
can we?"

"Good morning, Todd.  I'll have breakfast ready in a few minutes.
Scrambled eggs and bacon okay?"

Todd had never been fishing before so most of the 45-minute drive to
the lodge was taken up by a tutorial on rods, reels, techniques, and
what to expect.  Todd was interested in everything the experienced
fisherman had to say.  Rick was grateful for the conversation
because it diverted his attention from any lustful thoughts.

At the lodge, they carried the fishing tackle about half a mile
upstream and found a good spot just below some rapids.  Rick coached
Todd on handling the rod to cast a fly out into the water.  He was a
quick learner.  Both enjoyed the fishing although the fish were not
biting.  Rick's only moment of forbidden thoughts came when Todd
walked back into the woods to pee.  The mental image of the teen
holding his manhood and releasing a solid stream was enough to cause
a stir in his loins.

They ate lunch of sandwiches and bananas while they chatted and
enjoyed the beauty of the outdoors.  Just after noon, the skies
darkened.  By one, it was raining.  Rick and Todd retreated to the
shelter of the lodge where many other disappointed weekend-anglers
were voicing their frustrations over having their outing spoiled.
An hour later, it was a downpour.  When the five o'clock news came
on in the television in the lobby, the lead story was a landslide
that had blocked the Hanson Canyon road.  An estimated 70 residents
in the canyon above the landslide were thought to be safe but unable
to get out until crews could begin clearing the road.  The reporter
said officials had told him it would be late Sunday before the road
would open to traffic.

"Shit!" Rick mumbled and then said to Todd, "Sorry for the language.
It looks like we're stuck here until tomorrow.  Maybe you'd better
call your parents.  If they see the report on TV, they'll be worried
about you."

Todd walked across the lobby to a bank of pay phones where he had to
wait in line for an available phone.  Rick, meanwhile, noticed a
line at the registration desk and joined it, hoping to get two rooms
for the night.  When he finally got to the head of the line, he
asked for two rooms, preferably adjoining.  "I'm sorry, sir," the
harried desk clerk said.  "I have only one room left.  Would you
like it?"

Rick didn't like the idea of spending the night in one room with a
tempting young man but liked the idea of camping out in the lobby
even less.  "I'll take it," he said as he pulled out his credit
card.  "My grandson and I will just have to share a room."

He then walked over to Todd, who was next in line for a phone.
"Tell you parents we'll be staying here for the night.  We're not
stranded; I've booked a room for us and the dining hall will be open
for meals."

Todd grinned before stepping up to the phone.  He dialed a number,
got an irritated look on his face, fumbled in his pocket for a few
coins, and finally said, "Make that a collect call, please," and
said in response to the operator's request, "Todd Peterson."

The call was short and ended when Todd handed the receiver to Rick
and said, "Dad wants to talk to you."

Rick took the phone.  "Don't worry, Tom.  We're safe and sound.  A
little wet from the rain, maybe but we're fine."

"So, I understand you have a bed to sleep in," Tom said.

Rick immediately recognized the implications of Tom's reference to a
bed and replied, "Yes.  But I want to assure you, Todd is ... and
will be ... safe.  I have no greater priority than to watch out for
him."

"I understand," Tom said, adding for emphasis, "Fully.  I appreciate
your concern.  And your efforts if you get my meaning."

"I do, indeed," Rick replied.  "Now, if you don't mind, I'll hang up
because there's a line of people waiting to use the phone."

With their fishing tackle stowed in the trunk of Rick's Lexus and
having no luggage since they hadn't planned on spending the night,
Rick and Todd went to their room.  Upon walking in, Rick quietly
muttered, "Damn!"  There was only one double bed.

Todd heard it and said, "Hey!  It's not a luxury suite but it's dry,
it's warm, and it's clean."

"You're right," Rick said, unwilling to reveal the reason for his
disappointment.  "We're not exactly dressed for dinner but there's
bound to be a lot of folks like us.  Let's go get supper."

When they returned to their room after a big meal, Todd sprawled on
the bed while Rick sat in the only but not very comfortable desk
chair.  "I'm sorry," Rick said.  "I should have checked the weather
forecast."

"Not to worry, Rick.  It's been fun anyway.  Kind of an adventure.
Besides, I always like being with you.  You've been very kind to
take me places my Dad doesn't have the time to."

"Well, I enjoy your company, too.  I look forward to our excursions
when I'm rattling around my condo alone."  The comment was honest
but Rick regretted saying it.  He was afraid Todd would feel sorry
for him and he hated to be pitied.

He needn't have worried because Todd said, "If you don't mind, I'm
going to shower and hit the sack.  I'm not used to getting up at
five in the morning."

"Go right ahead," Rick said.  "I'm right behind you."

While Todd showered, Rick obsessed over thoughts of a naked Todd in
the shower.  Even more troubling was how he would control his
emotions and endure the night in bed with him.  Todd was enjoying
the "adventure" but Rick was tormented, torn between his self-
imposed duty to help a young man cope with isolation and peer taunts
and his recently awakened craving for sensual satisfaction.

Rick turned on the TV and surfed the channels but found nothing
worth watching and left it tuned to a 24-hour news channel.  He
turned his attention to how to avoid any awkwardness while sharing a
bed with Todd.  There was only one fool-proof way.

Todd emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist.  The
sight of the lad with his solid, perfectly proportioned body and
captivating smile nearly derailed Rick's plan but he had to go
through with it.  "Sit down a minute, Todd.  I have a favor to ask
of you."

"Sure, Rick," Todd said as he sat on the edge of the bed facing
Rick.  "What is it?"

Rick was temporarily distracted by sight of the teen's legs
disappearing up and under the towel almost to his genitals.  But he
fought to control his eyes and said, "This is going to sound ...
well ... bizarre but hear me out.  I'm going to be brutally honest
with you."

"Sounds serious," Todd said.

"It is.  Let me start with some background."  Rick summarized his
feelings when he first saw Todd in the pool being shunned by the
other boys, later meeting his parents at poolside, and how they had
agreed to let him become friends with their son with the hope of
helping him through the difficulties of isolation.  He concluded by
saying, "Let me be very clear.  My first objective was to help you
but when I got to know you it was not an artificial friendship.  I
quickly grew to admire you and to like you.  The time we've spent
together has been pure joy for me.  I'd like to continue being your
friend.  I still want to help you cope with being an outsider among
your peers but more than that, I want us to be friends.  Above all,
I want you to be happy."

Todd had listened intently, initially resenting the plot to
manipulate his life but gradually recognizing both his parents' and
Rick's honorable intentions and ultimately moved by the sincerity of
Rick's expression of affection.  "I am happy!" he objected.  "Sure,
I have a few problems with kids at school but I've got great parents
and the time I spend with you has been terrific."

"The weird part is yet to come," Rick said.  "You see, there's more
to it than liking you as a friend.  More than going to ball games,
movies, and fishing.  Since I've known you, I've had feelings that
were suppressed for years."  Rick realized that he was skirting the
issue so he continued, "To be more clear, Todd, I'm attracted to you
... sexually attracted."

Todd gasped.  After comprehending what he had heard, he exclaimed,
"You mean...?  No!  You can't mean...  You were married.  Raised a
family.  You're straight as they come!"

"It's the truth, Todd.  I'm gay.  Have been since I was about your
age.  I've lived a respectable life.  I've enjoyed my straight life
but I've always wanted what I could never have.  Since my wife died,
I've been alone and those feeling have returned and gotten stronger.
I'm ashamed to say that those feelings are focused on you.  Now,
here's the favor I want to ask of you.  I need your help to control
those feelings.  If I ever do or say anything improper--tonight or
any other time--slap me up aside the head and tell me to back off.
The last thing in the world I want is to take advantage of you ...
to hurt you.  You deserve better than that.  But I'll need your help
if I weaken.  Will you help me?  Please."

Todd sat quietly for some time absorbing the astonishing news and
recognizing Rick's obvious distress.  At length, he asked, "You know
that I'm gay also, don't you?"

"Yes.  Otherwise, I wouldn't even consider the possibility of ...
well ... showing my affection for you.  But knowing you're gay seems
to have increased my desire and my temptation.  It can't happen,
Todd!  You're eighteen.  I'm 57.  You have your whole life ahead of
you.  You need to find a partner your age to love.  You don't need a
fling in the sack with an old man to haunt you for years to come.
Will you help me?  Will you stop me if I try to do something
foolish?"

"Of course," Todd replied.  "But you must understand that I have
needs, too.  I haven't had real sex for over a year.  Jerking off is
simply not the same.  Maybe I want sex as much as you do."

"Stop right there!" Rick exclaimed.  "You're not helping me!  I'm
asking you to help me avoid a situation we would both regret."

"You've been honest with me, Rick.  Let me be honest with you.  I
like you a lot.  I've never considered sex with you because of your
age but mostly because I thought you were straight.  Now that I know
you're gay, my whole attitude has changed.  If you insist that I
reject your sexual advances, I will honor your request.  But at the
same time, I hope that you would accept mine.  Dad told me once that
sex between two people, even two men, is all right provided that
both are willing participants and precautions are taken to avoid
STDs.  I may be only eighteen but I'm legally an adult and I know
what I'm doing.  So if I ask for sex it's because I want it and
because I think you want it.  It doesn't mean we're life partners.
What it means is that we are giving each other something each of us
wants, will enjoy, and will not regret."

Rick could think of no rebuttal to Todd's argument, perhaps because
he subconsciously didn't want to refute his reasoning.  All he could
say was, "Are you absolutely sure?  Do you really believe that
you'll have no regrets?"

"No doubts at all," Todd said.

"Okay," Rick said hesitantly.  "If I start something, you'll stop
me.  Right?"

"Unless I really want what you start, yes."

"If you start something, I should feel free to accept it.  Right?"

"Yes."

"Anything that may happen is no more than casual sex with no
expectation of a relationship.  Right?"

"Right."

"There's one more thing I must tell you, Todd, and it may change
your mind.  Your parents know I'm gay.  I warned them that I was
attracted to you and may not be able to resist the temptation of
being alone with you.  They discussed the possibilities and told me
that they trusted my judgment.  Although they didn't say it
explicitly, they gave me permission to have sex with you on two
conditions.  One, I had to be absolutely sure that it would not hurt
you.  Two, you had to initiate the contact.  I agreed and added a
third.  I promised to emphasize very strongly that you must find
someone your own age when the time is right to form a committed
relationship.  Does that shock you?  That your parents gave their
permission?"

Todd thought a moment.  "A little.  I know they're very open minded
and accepting of me.  So I guess it's logical that they would want
what's best for me.  And impose the conditions they did."

"You have the best parents in the world, Todd.  And they have the
best son."

"I know.  I mean the first part--about my parents.  Todd broke into
a grin and said, "Now, I suggest that you take your shower.  You
smell of wet clothes.  I'll be waiting for you in bed.  Don't take
too long."

Rick was not long in the shower, only the minimum time to get clean
and to marvel at the unexpectedly favorable reaction from Todd over
the possibility of sex.  He exited the bathroom with only a towel
around his waist to find Todd lying in bed covered by a sheet.  Todd
smiled broadly when he saw Rick and immediately threw back the sheet
to expose his naked body.  His soft cock lay across a thigh; his
balls hung low; and a thicket of dense pubic hair seemed to
accentuate his manhood.  It literally took Rick's breath away.  All
he could do was star as his cock began to inflate.

"Don't just stand there, Rick.  Drop the towel and let me see you,
too."

Rick complied as though he was under the complete control of his
young friend, which, indeed he was.

"Nice!" Todd said.  "Now come over here and get in bed.  I want you,
Rick.  I want to have sex with you."

It was more of a request, perhaps a plea, but Rick eagerly obeyed as
though it were a command.

They grasped each other in an embrace so tight and firm that it was
as if their very lives depended on holding on to each other.  In
fact, that was not far from the truth.  At the instant their naked
bodies pressed together there was nothing -- nothing -- more
important to either of them than physical, sensual, erotic contact.
In a very short time, both had rigid erections and they heightened
their pleasure by rhythmically grinding them together.

A flash of reason crossed Rick's mind and he asked -- fearing one
answer but hoping for the other -- are you absolutely sure you want
to do this?"

"Absolutely sure, Rick.  And I'll stick to our agreement.  If you
start anything, I'll tell you to stop unless I want it.  And I want
it!  If I start something, you'll accept it.  Is this what you
want?"

"More than anything,"

"Okay, here's what I want," Todd said.  "I want you to lie back and
enjoy what I'm going to do.  When I'm finished, it will be your turn
to do what you want to do.  Okay?"

Rick could only smile in agreement, whereupon Todd began.  He
massaged Rick's chest, teasing with his chest hair and paying
special attention to his nipples.  His mouth then replaced his hands
in lavishing attention to his neck, shoulders, chest, and nipples.
He then moved downward, kissing and licking with a short pause and
extra tonguing at the navel.  Continuing the downward plunge, he
reached Rick's pubic bush but carefully avoided contact with the
throbbing penis that drooled precum.  Rick, by this time, was
moaning with pure pleasure.  No love-making with his late wife had
been so delightful -- not even close.  Suddenly, Todd stopped.  Rick
opened his eyes and looked down.  Todd had repositioned himself by
Rick's feet and had begun massaging his feet while sucking on his
toes.  Gradually, he moved up to the calves, the knees, and the
thighs.  The closer he got to Rick's crotch, the more the waves of
sensual pleasure cascaded throughout Rick's body.  When he felt
Todd's tongue tickle his balls, he entered a nearly delirious state
but it was nothing compared to the sensations when he felt Todd's
tongue lap up the precum on the tip of his cock and the warms, moist
lips encircle the helmet of his rod.  Rick uncontrollably moaned
loudly.

Todd then set to work giving Rick a masterful blow job with a
perfect combination of teasing with the tongue, stroking the base of
the cock with a hand, and taking more and more of Rick into his
mouth.  When Rick began to buck his hips, Todd stopped sucking and
let the man fuck his face.  With a scream, Rick exploded into Todd's
throat with several volleys of creamy nectar that Todd devoured with
delight.

Having coaxed the last few dribbles of cum for Rick's deflating
cock, Todd moved up to lie across the man's chest.  He felt Rick's
lungs pumping for air and his heart pounding.  Todd was extremely
happy and proud that he had given Rick such pleasure.  He was also
concerned when he saw tears rolling down from Rick's eyes toward his
ears but realized that it was not pain or sadness but emotional
overload that triggered the tears.  That made the young man even
happier and prouder to have satisfied Rick so completely.

When Rick recovered, Todd kissed him tenderly on the lips and rolled
off to lie beside him.

Rick grinned euphorically at Todd and said, "That was wonderful.
You were amazing.  Where did you learn how to do everything just
right?"

Todd chuckled and said, "I had a friend at my old school.  Or at
least he was a friend until he outed me to everybody he knew.
Anyway, he knew what he was doing.  I supplemented that by watching
a couple of gay porno videos."

"Well," Rick said, smiled and continued, "I'm not as proficient as
you are but I'd like to return the favor.  Now's the time to tell me
to back off if you don't want me to take advantage of you."

"Do whatever you want, Rick.  Do what you've always dreamed of
doing.  I want -- I need -- you to take advantage of me."

Rick duplicated Todd's efforts.  Not as skillfully.  Not as
artfully.  But with unbounded pleasure in having free access to a
handsome and willing young man.  Todd had softened during his
prolonged effort to stimulate and satisfy Rick but his young cock
quickly returned to full mast.  And his orgasm was the best he'd had
in a very long time.

They cuddled together wordlessly for a long time, basking in the
unparalleled bliss of having had a magnificent experience.  Todd was
grateful for the completely unexpected opportunity to have sex with
someone he genuinely liked even though, he reminded himself, it was
not a relationship that could last for very long.  But he hoped it
would not be the last and only time to share a bed.

Rick, for the first time in weeks, was at peace with his conscience.
He no longer had to fear inappropriately succumbing to temptation.
His goal of helping Todd no longer conflicted with his sexual
attraction to him nor with the fear of causing harm to a promising
young man.

Rick broke the silent reverie.  "Thank you.  You'll never know how
much I appreciate your understanding and giving me the experience
that I've wanted for so long."

"I'm glad you liked it.  I certainly did."

"No regrets?" Rick asked.

"None whatsoever.  Not now.  Not ever."

"You know, Todd, that I will never tell anyone about what we've
done.  If you choose to tell your parents, that's all right but
don't think for a minute that I will tell them."

"I doubt that I will, Rick.  It's one thing to tell them I'm gay and
they accepted that far better than I expected.  But it's quite
another thing to tell them about my sexual activities.  That would
be just too much information and I don't think they would even want
to know.'

Eventually, the two fell asleep with arms and legs wrapped around
each other.

Rick awakened slowly as usual and he lay in bed as the fog of
slumber dissipated.  Suddenly, he became aware that someone was
spooned into his back.  An arm was draped across his waist; the hand
on the end of the arm lay motionless on his cock.  Was this another
dream?  No.  It was real.  It was Todd pressed against his backside
and the young man's morning woody was nestled into the crack of his
ass.  Yes, it was real, not another dream.  He and Todd had sex the
night before, both willing, both eager, both thankful that their
needs had been met.  It seemed too good to be true.  But it was
true.  Decades of longing and frustration had been expunged in an
episode of erotic delight.

Rick lay there recalling the totally unexpected turn of events that
he had once feared but that now seemed to be the answer to his
prayers.  Fortune had indeed smiled on him.  Practical
considerations began to intrude into his mind -- primarily, what was
best for Todd?  Would other sexual contacts help or hurt him?  It
might help because he enjoyed it (although not nearly as much as he
did) and had no other opportunities to satisfy his needs.  It might
hurt him if he became dependent on a 57-year-old, frustrated man
instead of seeking a partner closer to his age.  And there was the
original goal: to help Todd cope with the cruel discrimination and
the lonely isolation he faced.  That was a problem for which Rick
still had no solution.

As much as he enjoyed laying there with Todd, there was a more
urgent problem; he had to pee.  He extracted himself very carefully
from his young companion, leaving the sleeping Adonis, and planning
to return to blissfully cuddle.  It was not to be.  Upon leaving the
bathroom, he saw that Todd was awake and rushing past him with a
hurried, "Good morning."  Moments late, the toilet flushed, the door
flew open, Todd ran to the bed, jumped on top of an astonished Rick,
and gave him a long, tight hug.

"My word!  You're chipper this morning," Rick laughed.

"Yeah," Todd enthused.  "Wanna know why?"

"I haven't a clue," Rick joked.

"It's `cause of last night.  I think it was the best night of my
life.  I'm so happy I don't know whether to laugh or cry."

"I don't want you to cry," Rick said.  "Let's see if I can make you
laugh."  He rolled Todd off onto his back, straddled his hips, and
began to tickle him aggressively.  Todd laughed even harder when
Rick discovered his most ticklish spots.

"Stop!  Stop!  Back off!" Todd managed to shout between fits of
laughter but Rick kept up the playful torture.  "Want me to hit you
upside the head like you said I should?" Todd yelled.

Rick yielded to the young man's plea and lay down beside him.

"That was wicked," Todd grinned.

"No siree!" Rick objected.  "That was playful.  What we did last
night was wicked."

Todd gave Rick a mischievous grin and said, "Can we be wicked again?
Like last night?"

"No." Rick teased.  "I think I'd better check the TV news to see if
the road is clear."

Rick sat up as though preparing to turn on the TV but Todd pulled
him back down and said in a pleading tone, "Please!  We may not have
another chance like this for a long time."

The puzzle of whether to engage in sex again with Todd didn't even
enter Rick's mind.  The opportunity was irresistible and he pulled
Todd into an embrace, pressing the full length of their naked bodies
tightly together.

After several minutes of fondling and foreplay, they settled into a
69 position.  Unlike the previous night, neither felt a need to race
toward orgasm.  Rather, without any explicit agreement, each of them
worked slowly on the other's cock, enjoying the feel and taste in
their mouths and, of course, the stimulation of their own genitals.
Todd, as might be expected of the much younger man, was the first to
tense up, groan, and release several spurts of cum into Rick's
mouth.  It took Rick longer to reach climax but not because of
Todd's lack of skill.

They lay together for almost an hour.  Rick took the opportunity to
remind Todd, "The sex we enjoy together cannot go on forever.  You
have to find a younger partner."

"I know that, Rick.  And I will.  I don't know how to do it but I'll
try.  In the meantime, I'd like to think that we can get together
once in a while.  I would enjoy it and I think you would, too."

"Okay," Rick agreed.  "As long as you remember that what we do
together is just sex and there can never be any thought of a
continuing relationship."

"That bothers me, Rick.  I may find someone ... someone who might
even be a life-partner.  Where does that leave you?  Are you going
to try to find a partner, too?

"Perhaps.  But I'm smart enough to realize that I'm not a young man
anymore.  Nobody's going to be hitting on me.  Besides, my sex drive
will start to diminish.  Who would want a partner that can't
perform?"

"That's sad,"  Todd said.  "I'm sorry."

Rick abruptly interrupted him and said emphatically.  "Stop right
there!  Don't feel sorry for me!  I don't want sympathy!"  There was
an awkward pause while Todd tried to understand Rick's anger.

Rick had realized that any time spent with Todd might become only a
fond memory.  More distressing, he might never have another man in
his bed.  Most disturbing of all was a suspicion that emerged in his
mind, which prompted him to say, "And if having sex with me is just
a favor to an old man, thanks but no thanks!"

Todd didn't take time to think of a response but what he said was
inspired.  "Listen to me, Rick.  Believe what I say because it's the
truth.  I wanted to have sex with you.  Like I told you, it's been a
long time since I had real sex and I wanted it.  More importantly, I
wanted it with you.  Why?  Because you're kind ... considerate ...
fun to be with ... and you're handsome.  Yes, Rick, you're handsome!
And I've never thought of you as old.  Last night, I took special
pains to arouse you and give you pleasure.  That wasn't a favor to
an old man.  I enjoyed exploring your body.  It was my way of
thanking you for everything you've done for me.  I wanted to do it
and I enjoyed doing it.  Sympathy was never a part of it."

Elegantly chastised, Rick regretted his outburst.  He stared in
wonder at the young man who was obviously sincere.  Emotions
overwhelmed him.  He held Todd tightly, almost taking the teen's
breath away, and began to cry for the first time since he was a
child.  He hadn't even cried when his wife died.  Now he was being a
child again to Todd as a loving parent.  The irony was obvious.  He
had wanted to help Todd but it was Todd who rendered the greatest
help.

Todd returned the hug but let Rick exhaust his tears and regain
composure.  He had not felt sorry for Rick until this cathartic
exchange.  Now, however, he was deeply sorry for a man who had been
haunted by forbidden desire for years and now faced his own
mortality without much hope of finding a companion.  Yes, he was
sorry for Rick but could never say so because it would arouse the
man's anger again.

Rick apologized for his lack of emotional control.  Todd brushed it
off and said, "Rick, there's one more thing I want to say.  I love
you ... not as a partner or a lover ... but as a very good friend."

"Thank you, Todd.  I can't think of anything I'd rather be than your
friend."

"Now," Todd said.  "How about some breakfast?  I'm starved."

They dressed and went to the dining hall for a buffet breakfast.
They inquired at the front desk about progress on clearing the road
and were pleased that it would be open by late afternoon.  Rick told
Todd to call his grandparents' house.  "Your parents may or may not
be concerned but they would appreciate your call.  And be sure to
ask how your grandfather is."

Having made the call, they decided to take a hike through the
surrounding forest, following the foot paths that made their walk as
easy as it was pleasant.  After an hour, Rick suggested they leave
the path and explore the wooded hills.  Half an hour later, they
came to a clearing where they decided to sit down and rest.

"I'm curious," Todd said.  "You've been gay all your life but you
married and lived a straight life.  Why?"

"The answer is simple," Rick replied.  "Things were different when I
was your age.  If you think the discrimination you endure now is
bad, it was infinitely worse back then.  How bad was it?  Sex with a
woman before marriage was condemned but, in general, it was accepted
as a natural instinct -- immoral but could be forgiven.  There was
no tolerance whatsoever for queers or homos.  There are still
remnants of those feelings today, especially among religious
zealots, but attitudes have changed significantly.  I chose to live
straight to avoid the malicious persecution from family, friends,
and -- it seemed -- the whole of society.  So I took the easy route
and got married, raised a family, and conformed to society's
expectations."

"So all those years, you never had sex with a man?"

"Not quite.  As a junior in high school, I was almost convinced that
I was gay and it wasn't just a phase I was going through.  But that
summer my Dad hired a college kid as a farm hand.  He and I had sex
a lot.  It was wonderful.  It convinced me that I was different ...
and always would be.  But I could never tell anybody.  It would
shame my family and subject me to bullying far worse than what I
think you have to put up with."

"So you got married just to hide what you really wanted?"

"Exactly.  But don't get me wrong.  I learned to love my wife.  We
had some good sex, too.  I enjoyed my kids and I'm proud of them.
So, you see, I've had a pretty good life.  But enough about me.
Tell me about yourself.  Like when did you decide that you were
gay?"

"I guess it was when I went through puberty.  I was about 13.  At
first, I was just fascinated with the changes in my body.  I got
interested in other guys and how they were developing.  Then I
learned how to jerk off and I was hooked.  Of course I knew about
reproduction and how men get women pregnant.  But girls didn't
interest me at all.  I became more and more attracted to other guys.
That worried me.  A lot.  I knew what all the other kids thought
about queers and I sure didn't want to be called names and shut off
from having any friends.  So I kept my secret.  That is, until I met
Cory.  We were juniors in high school and became good friends.  On
one of our sleepovers--I guess we were both horny--we jerked off
together.  Later, we jerked each other off.  Then we started sucking
dick.  We did that a lot.  I thought I had found a kindred soul
because he was usually the one to start things and I was glad to go
along.  Then one day we had an argument.  I told him that another
guy in my math class was really hot.  He flew into a jealous rage.
I couldn't believe how mad he got; he was totally out of control.
To get even with me he spread the word all over school that I had
tried to talk him into having sex with him.  He claimed to have
refused and that was why we were no longer friends.  He said he
couldn't be friends with a perverted fag.  Everybody believed him.
What could I do?  I sure as hell couldn't say that he was queer,
too, and that we had been jerking off together and sucking each
other.  That would just confirm that I was queer and sound like I
was getting revenge on him."

"So that's when you became an outcast?"

"Right.  I tried to tough it out but one day a gang of guys beat up
on me.  I was crying when I got home.  Not from the beating as much
as from the constant harassment.  Mom and Dad were upset, of course.
They coaxed me to tell them what happened and why.  That's when I
came out to them, figuring they might as well hate me like everyone
else did.  But they were wonderful.  I couldn't believe it!  They
still loved me!  They had a fag son and they loved me!  Dad wanted
to have the bullies punished but I insisted that it would only make
matter worse.  So we moved to get away from the torment.  I objected
to their having to move but they did anyway.  I was glad they did it
for me."

"And the new school was better?" Rick asked.

"For a while.  But somehow everybody found out.  I can't prove it
but I'm sure the captain of the football team -- he was one of the
guys that beat me up -- told somebody on the new school's team about
me.  That was a bad break but I'm lucky that kids in the new school
don't call me names.  They just avoid me."

"I can understand, Todd, that it's still difficult for you.  Not to
have any friends at school, I mean."

"Yeah," Todd said wistfully.  "I tried to join the drama club at
school but the faculty advisor told me I would be a bad influence on
the others and asked me please not try out for the school play."

"He should be fired for that!" Rick said angrily.

"It was a she," Todd corrected.  "But it's just as well.  None of
the other kids in the drama club would talk to me, anyway.  Except
Stu.  He's pretty much like me -- not gay but he doesn't fit into
the crowd.  He's the only friend I have at school.  Two misfits.  He
takes a lot of crap from others for hanging out with me but he says
-- excuse the language -- `Fuck `em.  I don't care what they think
of me.'  I try to feel the same way but I'd prefer to be accepted.
And have more friends."

"So you like Stu?" Rick asked.

"He's okay.  Kinda crude sometimes.  But brilliant.  Straight A in
college prep classes.  And funny.  He has a knack for seeing things
that others don't.  Like when I told him that the teacher didn't
want me in the drama club.  He said it was her preacher talking
through her mouth and the words didn't even pass through her brain.
I laughed at that `cause it was true.

"From what you've told me," Rick said, "it sounds like you've
accepted being gay ... being different from other guys.  But you're
not happy that others don't accept you and make friends with you."

"That's pretty much it," Todd said.  "But I can live with that.  As
long as nobody beats me up again."

"That's just about what I guessed that first day I saw you in the
pool.  You were all alone.  I guessed that you wanted to join the
others.  Seeing you like that made me think of how I felt at your
age ... lonely ... wanting friends.  Then one of the boys in the
pool seemed to snarl at you.  You didn't look at all happy when you
got out of the pool.  Want to know why I asked you to get me an ice
tea?"

"Yeah.  I thought that was strange."

"Because I thought I knew how you felt -- being an outsider, I mean.
I didn't know then that you were gay.  This sounds trite but I could
feel your pain and I wanted to help you.  I didn't know how but I
wanted to make you feel better."

"That was nice of you, Rick.  But there's nothing can be done about
it.  I'm gay.  I accept that.  I just wish others would accept it.
It would be nice to join the drama club.  It would be nice to be
invited to parties.  Even having other kids talk to me would be
nice.  But I guess I'll just have to live with their bigotry."

"I realize it's tough, Todd.  That's why I want to help.  But I
don't know how.  Maybe if we put our heads together, we can figure
something out."

"Right!" Todd replied in a tone iced with sarcasm.  "You got a magic
wand?  Sure, I'd rather be like the rest of the kids and be included
in their circle of friends but that'll never happen, will it?  Not
as long as I'm gay and they hate queers."

"There's got to be some way I can help," Rick said, feeling
powerless.

Todd looked seriously at Rick for several moments and worked up
courage to say, "You told me you don't want sympathy.  Well, neither
do I!  I can take care of myself, thank you very much!"

Rick was unpleasantly surprised at what appeared to be a rejection
of help.  All he could think of to say was, "Okay.  But I'm
available any time you want to talk."

"Sorry," Todd said.  "I didn't mean to snap at you.  I know you're
just trying to be nice to me."

"Here's a puzzler for you, Todd.  What's the difference between
sympathy and compassion?"

The question seemed to derail the conversation.  "Well," Todd
answered, "I guess I don't know."

"Sympathy is merely feeling sorry for someone.  Compassion is
recognizing another's pain or misfortune and wanting to do something
about it.  That's a huge difference.  When I accused you of having
sex with me out of sympathy for an old man, you explained that you
wanted to do something for me to make me feel better.  That was
compassion that I mistook for sympathy.  Well, that's how I feel
toward you.  I recognize the difficulties you're having and -- with
your permission -- I'd like to do something to make you happier."

 "That's really cool," Todd grinned.  "I like that.  But you know
what would make me happy?"

"No.  What?"

I'd like to go back to the lodge now ... go to our room ... and be
wicked."

"TODD!  We're having a serious discussion here and you're thinking
about sex!"

"Please, Rick.  It may be our last chance ... at least for a long
time."

"That's what you said this morning.  How many times are you going to
use that excuse?" Rick asked jokingly.

"As many as I can!  Then I'll think of something new.  Let's go."


to be continued...