Date: Tue, 2 Mar 2010 20:58:12 -0500
From: andy deats <andydeats@gmail.com>
Subject: Live For Me 5

"What are you talking about?"I asked sitting up in bed surprised. "ho did
he murder?"

"They don't know if he actually murdered anybody,"Tasha told me. "ut they
think he was the one who killed Carter Nash."

"Good,"was the first thing I said. " don't mean that,"I corrected myself
quickly. "t's not good that he's dead, or that Rusty killed him. But...I'm
glad that he got what was coming to him."

Tasha made a disappointed face at me. "Oh, come on. Didn't you hate him
too, Tasha?"

"I did. But I don't wish murder on anybody. Do you really want his family
feeling the way that you felt about Gabe?"

"What do you mean?"I asked. "hat about Gabe? He was just my friend."

"No, he was your best friend,"she told me. "he two of you were like
brothers. And once he died, you didn't know what to do with yourself."

"Why are you saying it like it's past tense?"I asked her. " hardly know
what to do with myself now! I live in someone else's house because my
parents hate me. I have amnesia and can't remember half of my past, and God
only knows if I have a future at all. And now you're telling me that one of
the few people who pretend to give a fuck about me is going to go to jail
for murdering a guy who I hated, and I can't be happy about that?"

"Look, I just thought you'd like to know about what happened to Rusty. Now
you know, and I'll leave you alone."She turned and walked out of the
room. I walked over to the door and slammed it shut behind her.

I heard the sounds of dinner downstairs about an hour later, and was
surprised when nobody came to ask me if I'd like to eat. I just lied there
on my stomach, staring out the window at the head of my bed. Rusty really
murdered somebody? I couldn't even imagine him doing that. He got mad at
times, but it never seemed to be to the point of murder. I saw a bird sit
on the window sill and stare inside at me. I stared back until he flew
away.

There had to be a reason behind Rusty killing Carter, if he even did. I
stood up off the bed and changed out of my school clothes into something
more relaxing and walked downstairs. I saw Michael and Tasha laying
together on the couch, her leaning against him as he lied back on the arm
of the couch. I sat in one of the lounge chairs and looked at whatever TV
program they were watching.

"So why do they think that Rusty did it?"I asked.

Tasha looked at me a bit surprised. "ell, he's pretty much the only person
that they could put any kinda motive on. I mean, it's not exactly a secret
that he and Nash hated each other."

"So is he just a scapegoat?"I asked surprised.

"No, not really. He didn't have an alibi for the time that Carter was
murdered," she told me.

"o Carter's really dead?"I asked softly. I still could hardly believe it.

"eah,"Michael spoke up. "hey found him outside Over The Rainbow laying in a
pool of his own blood. They didn't find a weapon, but they think that he
was shot."

"ow did you two find all this out?"

"usty called me from the jail,"Tasha said. "is arraignment is tomorrow
afternoon. He asked that you and I both show up."

I nodded solemnly. "id he do it?"I asked her softly.

She looked down at the floor. "e didn't deny it. The only thing that he's
going to argue tomorrow is that it was self-defense. He's going to try to
get a low sentence and see what he can do from there. He doesn't have the
money to pay bail, so that's not really an option."

I nodded solemnly. Rusty really did kill Carter Nash. But he told Tasha it
was in self-defense, and I believed him. I could see Carter going to attack
Rusty and being shot. I just hoped that Rusty would be able to get a short
sentence.

Michael's parents let me stay home from school the next day, and I spent
much of it reading through Rusty's journal. I figured that maybe if I got
to know him a little bit better, I could talk to the judge and convince him
that it was actually self-defense.

Tasha came to Michael's house at three o'clock and helped me pick out some
clothes to wear. I dressed up, trying to look nice so that I would look
better for Rusty's character, and we left in Michael's car at 4.

We arrived at the court house, and were let inside. A lady at a desk told
us to go into the waiting chamber and pointed us into a large, empty
room. "his is eery,"I whispered to Tasha. "'ve never been involved in the
legal process before."

"t's not my first time,"she shrugged. "t's really not as scary as they make
it seem. I mean, as long as you're telling the truth, you really don't have
anything to be scared of."

I nodded. "ut what if I say something to get Rusty into even more trouble?"

"e don't have to speak at all,"she told me. "he judge will probably just
ask if we have anything to say to attribute to Rusty's testimony, and we
can decide whether to talk or not. If you think what you say will hurt, I'd
suggest not talking."

I just nodded and put my hands in my pockets as I looked around the large
room. Within seconds I realized that there was nothing to see, and just
stood there. A few long minutes later, a door opened up and a man in a
police uniform waved us to follow him. We stepped into the courtroom and I
instantly felt my stomach fill with butterflies.

There was a small table set up in the middle of the cavernous room, with a
briefcase on top of it and some papers strewn about around it. Rusty was
standing behind it, looking nervous in what I am assuming are the nicest
clothes that he had, with a stone-faced man in a suit standing next to him
that I assumed was his lawyer. Tasha and I walked over to Rusty and he
hugged both of us in turn. "ou ok?"he whispered in my ear.

"re you?"I asked back.

He pulled back from me and forced a smile. "lways living for other
people,"he said.

I jumped slightly as I heard the judge bang the gavel on his stand, and
turned quickly to face him. He was an older man, in his early sixties, I'd
say, and he had a stern look on his face. "usty Delmore, you have been
charged with murder in the first degree. Do you understand your legal
rights as they have been presented to you?"

Rusty nodded. "es, your honor."

"ould you like to submit a plea at this time?"He nodded again. "nd your
plea?"

"uilty."Tasha and I both looked at the floor, and the judge shifted
slightly in his seat. Rusty said it so confidently that it must have taken
him off guard. "owever, your honor, this was not murder. Yes, I killed
Carter Nash. I am not going to deny that. But, I have to tell you that I
did so in self-defense."

"n what grounds do you claim that it was self-defense?"

"f you look back into Mr Nash's criminal history, of which I assure you he
does indeed have one, you will see that he is a brazen and unabashed
anti-homosexual. Now, your honor, I believe that nobody in this town would
argue that I am quite obviously a homosexual. The place where Carter's body
was found was a homosexual-friendly club."

The judge nodded. "ut what proof do you have that Nash was threatening any
harm against you?"

Rusty bit his lower lip. It was the first time I had seen him show anything
but the utmost of confidence. " know that there was no weapon found on
Nash's body, but he has threatened me a number of times over the years in
which we have known each other. In fact, he and his friends were a large
part of my reasoning behind dropping out of school. On that particular day,
I was with a...friend of mine. We were leaving the club to go out to his
car, and that is when Carter approached us and started using anti-gay slurs
and threatening to injure both of us. He also threatened Jerry, as he has
been seen doing before."

" assume that you are Jerry?"the judge asked looking at me. I nodded. "nd
do you have anything to say about this?"

" don't know the exact situation surrounding what happened between Rusty
and Carter, but I do know Rusty very well personally. He is a good person
that would never hurt a fly unless provoked, and I believe him when he says
that the death of Carter was self-defense. Your honor, a lot of bad things
have happened to me lately. My world has fallen apart. I have been kicked
out of my house for being gay, and my parents have abandoned me. But
through everything that has happened, Rusty Delmore has been one person
that I have been able to depend on through everything."I started tearing
up, and Rusty put his arm around my shoulders. I sniffled, and continued.

"our honor, Rusty is a good person. Carter Nash, however, I have a much
lower opinion of. His brother, Nick Nash, murdered my boyfriend, Gabriel
Lorenze, in cold blood right in front of my eyes."I heard Rusty and Tasha
both gasp as I said that, but I continued. " have no trouble believing that
his brother could and in fact could do the same to Rusty."

Rusty whispered in my ear, his arm still around my shoulders. "ou know?"he
asked. I just nodded.

"oes your other witness have anything to say regarding this
arraignment?"Tasha shook her head, still looking over at me occasionally. I
could tell she was surprised about me knowing.

"ou understand that by pleading guilty you will face up to 25 years in
prison?"

Rusty looked at the ground and nodded. "es, your honor."

"owever, I do believe that it was in self-defense. We'l leave it to the
court, though, whether to rule this as a justifiable homocide or not."

Rusty looked up and smiled. "hank you, your honor,"he said graciously.

"' going to rule that you have to stay in police custody until the date of
your trial."

" understand."

We were allowed to go, and the three of us left together with Rusty'
lawyer. The stone-faced man said a few words to Rusty outside of the
building, then left to go to his own car. Rusty looked at me and forced a
smile.

"o you know, huh?"I nodded, looking back in his eyes. "ow did you find
out?"

I pulled his journal out of my back pocket, and handed the small book to
him. "his is yours."

He took it and forced a smile. "ou know a lot about me, then, huh?"he
asked. I noticed that Tasha had walked off, leaving us to ourselves.

"ell, I know that you'e in love with me. I know that you are a drug user,
and that you have sold your body. I also know that you lied to me, in order
to make me fall in love with you."

"hat' not it at all, Jerry,"he protested. Two police officers came out of
the court house, and placed him in handcuffs.

"ime to go, Delmore."They said to him and led him to their cruiser. I
watched as he was placed in the back, and they drove off. Tasha reappeared
from around the corner.

"ou ready to go?"she asked. I nodded. "re you mad at me?"I shook my head.

"ou didn' know me as well back then. You were just looking out for
Rusty. It' him and Michael that are really to blame for it."

"usty, that' not what happened."

"' really rather not talk about it,"I told her.

"k, well, Michael' going to pick us up as soon as I call him. You ready?"

"ou go on ahead,"I told her. " have somewhere else that I need to go first.

"ou sure?"she asked. I just turned around and started to walk.

I made my way to the cemetery, and found my way back to Gabe' grave. I sat
in the soft dirt, and traced his name on the headstone with my
finger. "u8221 Hey, Pooh bear,"I said, using my pet name for him. I
pictured him blushing like he always did when I called him that. "hings
aren' going so well.u8221 I looked up at the sky and trailed off. I really
wanted him to be there just to give me a hug.

"'e been attacked, I'e been kicked out of my house, I'e been lied to, and
I'e been hurt in so many ways. I wish you were here to make it better."I
sighed softly as I looked back at his headstone. "abe, I love you. I always
will. That' why I haven' been able to move on. I miss you so so much, and I
am extremely sorry that I forgot you. I hope you forgive me."I felt tears
form in my eyes, and start to fall into the dirt that marked the spot where
my boyfriend was laid to rest.

"abe, I don' know what to do. Rusty says he loves me. But I can' feel that
way about him anymore. Gabe, I can' promise you that I' going to stay
single forever. I know you wouldn' want that. But I also know you wouldn'
want me to be hurting as much as I am right now. So I' going to do some
things that you probably wouldn' like very much. But please forgive me, I
promise that it' just to make me happy. I know you' want that."

I stood up and left the cemetery, before walking back to Michael' house. By
the time I arrived, it was well after dark and I didn' know who would be
awake. I saw Michael and Tasha sitting on the porch together, a glass in
each of their hands.

"ou ok?"Michael asked. I just nodded.

"'l be fine,"I told him.

"here were you at?"

" went to go see Gabe."

" figured as much, but I wanted to give you your space."

"hanks,"I told him. I walked past them and inside.

"erry,"Michael said as he followed me inside. "an we talk?"

" don' wanna talk to you,"I said coldly. " don' want anything to do with
either of you liars anymore."

"erry, don' talk like that."

"hy? You don' want me to be upset? Well it' too fucking late for all of
that now! I found out about Gabe, and I found out about how you and Rusty
really are!"

"o what? You don' want any help anymore? You don' want me in your life?"

"ot if I can help it,"I spat.

"ine. If that' how you want it, that' how it' going to be."

"ood. Fuck you."

I didn' say a word to either of his parents before going upstairs and lying
down in bed, where I quickly fell asleep.

I didn' talk to Michael much over the next week. I stayed to myself as much
as possible in order to disconnect myself from him and Rusty. I didn' even
go to the trial, partially due to Rusty asking Tasha to tell me not to. He
said something about not wanting to put me through anything else. According
to him, the murder of Gabe was going to be a large part of the evidence.

I remembered Gabe as soon as I read about him in Rusty' journal. " felt
really bad for not telling him the truth,"it said. "ut it' for his own
good. He doesn' need to remember all that pain. Sometimes I wish I could
get amnesia, myself."

"ay,"Michael said to me one afternoon.

"eah?"I asked looking at him over my shoulder. I was laying on the bed as
usual, just doing a lot of thinking.

"ou have a visitor."

I stood up and walked out onto the stairs. As I walked down them I saw
Rusty standing nervously at the front door. "usty,"I said awkwardly.

"erry."He grinned when he saw me and opened his arms for a hug, which I
denied.

" take it you're not in jail."

"ope, I'm not. But Jerry, why are you being this way?"

"an we take this outside?"I asked him, and stepped out onto the deck
without waiting for his reply.

"k, we're outside now. Now you owe me some answers,"he demanded.

" owe you answers?"I asked him, turning to look into his eyes. " think it's
you who owes me some answers. Do you know what you've done to me?"

"erry, I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to find out."

"nd that makes it better?"I asked incredulously.

"o, it doesn't. But that's...Jerry, we did it to protect you. I didn't want
you hurting anymore. Michael didn't want you hurting anymore. If you didn't
have to remember the shit you've been through, what is the point in it?"

"aybe because that shit was the love of my life!"I yelled at him. "aybe I
want to remember the good times that Gabe and I had! Maybe I loved him, and
still do!"Rusty looked at the ground, and I almost felt bad for yelling at
him. "usty, I do love Gabe. I can't forget him. I never will."

He nodded sadly. " understand. And that's why I came over here. I wanted to
tell you goodbye."

"oodbye?"I asked.

"erry, I can't be just your friend. But I know that we'll never be able to
be together. I love you too much to see you happy with somebody else. And I
also know that I am never going to be good enough for you."

"usty, don't-"

"lease, Jerry,"he cut me off. "'m all kinds of fucked up. I know that we
can't be together. I don't deserve a boy like you. You're kind and sweet
and funny and...everything that I need. But you're everything that I can
never have. I wouldn't want to hurt you, and that's all that I ever seem to
do to anybody. Jerry, just remember that I do and always will love you. I
respect you so much for everything that you have gone through. But I have
to leave."

"usty, you'e being too hard on yourself."

"aybe I am, but I do love you way too much to be able to stay anymore. Can
I just have one last kiss before I go?"

I nodded silently and he took a step towards me. I made the move this time,
and our lips pressed together for only the second time. This kiss was just
as gentle as the last, but I felt more passion inside it. We held the kiss
for what felt like a long time, but couldn' have been more than a
minute. He broke the kiss when I tried to push my tongue towards his.

"hanks, Jerry. I will remember you forever."I opened my mouth to say
something, but felt the words catch in my throat. Rusty turned around, got
into his car, and drove off.

I graduated in May, my grades still remarkably average. Michael and I had
made peace with each other before the ceremony, and both he and Tasha, who
I found out was a year below me, attended the ceremony. I marched down the
aisle with the rest of my class to Pomp and Circumstance, feeling proud of
myself, but a little bit numb. My parents didn' care to come to the
ceremony, even though I had sent them invitations. I looked into the crowd
for them, but didn' see them. I did, however, see a surprising face sitting
next to Tasha. Rusty had attended my graduation. I smiled at him, and he
forced a sad smile back.

Afterwards, I rushed outside to find my friends. "ichael! Tasha! Where'
Rusty?"

"e left, Jerry,"Tasha told me. I nodded silently. I expected as much.

"heer up, Jay,"Michael said to me. I looked at him and forced a smile. He
handed me a small envelope.

"hat' this?"I asked.

"ead it, smart one."

I looked on the envelope, and read. "o Jerry, From the Lorenzes."Opening it
up, I found a one-way plane ticket to California, where the college I had
been accepted to was located. "appy Graduation, Jerry,"Michael said and
gave me a big hug.

I looked forward to getting out of Riverton. I looked forward to leaving my
old life behind. There was too much drama and pain in that town for me to
be able to go to college there. I looked forward to getting to start my new
life. Maybe Rusty was right, and I needed to leave all my old pain
behind. But Rusty was certainly right that I needed to stop living for
myself, and start to live for me.





I wanted to thank all of you who have read my first-ever story and provided
me valuable feedback. You have no idea how much it means to me. I love all
of you who have e-mailed me, and I would appreciate nothing more than your
continued feedback and support (or displeasure, even.) I' like to hear what
you thought of the story as a whole. If I get enough feedback, I'l start
soon on my next planned story, Chords and Discord.