Date: Sat, 20 Jun 2015 11:25:34 -0500
From: Romano Kristoffersen <romanokristoffersen@gmail.com>
Subject: Rooting For My Baby

CHAPTER ONE

So Dad had basically forced me to go out with him and Mom for dinner
tonight at Olive Garden.

I honestly wondered if they thought that my life was that pathetic where
the idea of me, a sophomore, spending Friday night with them at a
restaurant was even remotely beneficial to me.

Luckily for them (and me, I might add), Rhonda, my acutely bipolar,
homo-loving and super charismatic best friend was PMSing and I wanted to be
nowhere near her at that point.

Last time we argued the bitch told me I had as much significance as Madonna
in 2015.

Fucking.

Rude.

So now we were going through that exhausting "I'm not talking to you first"
stage, but I knew that would reunite eventually. What can I say, I'm
fucking irresistible.

I'm Zac Efron's abs irresistible; Dave Franco in a thong irresistible.

Shallow much? I really can't help it.

So anyways, here I was at the table. Mom made our orders without even
bothering to ask us our opinions (she knew the routine choice), then Dad
started.

"So, uh, Elliot, how's it going in the dating scene?"

Seriously Dad, 'dating scene', who on earth even says that?

Him. That's the answer.

Apparently this seemed to pique Mom's interest, as she looked over to me. I
noticed a suspicious look in her eye.

Something's fishy. They were planning something. Probably. I could feel the
ulterior motive in my bones.

"It's going great Dad, thanks for asking, I'd much rather spend a
fulfilling evening with you buckets of sunshine than with my bae." I said
dismissing the question as fast as possible. Note the use of the
gender-neutral bae. Well, I wasn't exactly out to them-at least officially
and I'd like to keep it that way. The less they know the better.

"Oh, so what's her name?" he said, apparently immune to my sarcastic
response.

These people were up to no good. They were definitely fishing. No denying
it. Question is, why? And what was with the sudden interest in my dating
life. My completely nonexistent dating life, mind you.

"What's whose name?" I replied matching his shady tone. Two can play that
game.

"The girl." he said.

"What girl?" I replied playing dumb.

He got frustrated and said to forget it.

Well that played out coolly.

The night continued on and it was actually surprisingly great-on Instagram.

***

Fifteen minutes in and Dad started again.

"Do you remember Aaron Rodgers and AJ, El?" He said.

El? Where the hell was this coming from? He knew I hated that nickname. He
knew it well. I wondered why he was trying so blatantly to provoke
me. Apparently, he wanted my attention at the table since from the
beginning of dinner till now I hadn't left my iMessage.

"Isn't he that drugged out football player from New York?" I quipped,
trying to be as nonchalant as possible. He wasn't going have his way this
time. "What does he and this AJ have to do with anything?"

"No, that's Aaron Rodrigues and he plays baseball not football," he said as
if I cared. "I'm talking my best friend, Aaron and his son, AJ. You
seriously don't remember that huge chunk of your childhood when you spent
virtually all your time with AJ?"

"Well, obviously not Dad." That's not entirely true though, I vaguely
remembered walking around the park exploring and constantly fighting with a
taller boy with the greenest eyes I had ever seen.

"Okay." He resigned, realizing that the conversation wasn't going where he
wanted to. I'm proud to say that after 16 years of my life I could
efficiently read and manipulate Daddy Dearest to suit myself on any
occasion. This was a prime example.

At this point, I was begging for Mom to join in the conversation to add a
little distraction so Dad will give me a break. However, she was way too
preoccupied with her phone; probably texting one of her cheek-pinching
girlfriends.

Like mother, like son I guess.

I could feel Dad brewing up another question in that God-forsaken mind of
his by the way his forehead contorted, his lips puckered north and the
wrinkles appeared. That was one habit that I got from him.

No more questions came, however.

JC was helping out a bro.

***

An hour passed and as we were about to enter Dad's car I noticed a tall
figure exiting a black Range. He was easily over six feet tall and had
curly black hair and a muscular build.

Talk about hot.

Then the weirdest thing happened-he started to advance towards us. Needless
to say, I, being the geekiest nerd on the planet, scurried inside the
vehicle as if the guy was some serial killer.

 But then I thought, "What if he was?"

Thankfully Mom was already seated shotgun, but Dad was just moving around
the other side of the vehicle after opening Mom's door for her. What a
gentleman, heh?

The guy was now approaching Dad. Dad's a grown-ass man he could handle
himself, hopefully. But that thought did little to console me.

The guy raised his hand, going in for a hit I assumed and I yelled, "Dad
watch out" with an ear-piercing loudness, convinced that this was going to
be a mugging. I'm way too young to be freaking Bruce Wayne.

Mom screamed upon the outburst and Dad rushed to see what was wrong.

"What the hell Elliot!?" he shouted with annoyance in his voice.

Mom was clutching her chest and the Tall Guy was standing awkwardly holding
out his hand. Then it hit me-he was going to give Dad a handshake. Tall Guy
stood a few feet away from the scene giving a concerned look which was kind
of odd seeing as his long cheek dimples gave the impression of a smile, and
worried plus smiling was possibly the creepiest expression that could be
made based off this scene.

I panicked knowing I had to come up with a reasonable excuse for scaring
the crap out of my parents.

"Uhm, Adele's new album is out," I tried knowing that that had
abso-fricken-lutely nothing to do with the situation. I'm so grounded. But
in my defense, Dad was a major Adele fan.

"Then why were you shouting 'Dad watch out?'" he responded. If I kept this
up, he would totally strangle me. Shit.

"Oh, that's a new single on the album." I replied knowing full well that
that excuse wasn't gonna cut it. To further reinforce my excuse, I started
to belt out lyrics from "Hometown Glory" which earned me a scolding from
Mom and Dad. Mom held her hands against her ears and Tall Guy was beginning
to give me strange looks.

Need I tell you that this is probably why I was still a virgin? this
godforsaken nuttiness.

Tall Guy walked over and gave touched my Dad on the shoulder and then the
light hit his eyes and the green iris struck a memory, AJ.

Dad seemed to recognize him instantly, no longer paying any mind to me
(thank God, I might add) and then they gripped each other in a bear hug.

"AJ!" Dad exclaimed, and from that moment on I knew that things were gonna
get really interesting around here.

***

"Hey Elliot."

"AJ? what the fuck are you doing in my fucking bed, it's like 3 fucking
PM?!"

"So are you saying you don't want me?"

"NO, I'M SAYING I THINK IT'S FUCKING WEIRD THAT YOU'RE IN MY BED AT 3 IN
THE MORNING, how the hell did you even get in here?"

"Shush, don't worry about that Sweetums."

"Sweetums? Do I look a housewife to you?"

"Shhh, Elliot, lay back and relax." At this point, Elliot was too caught up
to even process the absurdity of this act.

"Lie back on the pillow." AJ said. Elliot acquiesced, a pencil jammed into
his back all of a sudden.

"What the actual fuck!" Elliot cursed, trying to soothe the searing pain by
pressing down on the area.

"It's a little too early for that Babe." AJ chuckled. He proceeded to
unbuttoning his shirt, leaning in for a chaste kiss on the lips, then he
receded.

"Again, AJ" Elliot moaned. AJ then pressed on once more, this time-full-on
tongue-action. AJ pulled back after several oxygen deprived seconds, then
they both began to take deep breaths.

"You've been a bad, bad boy Elliot, and I'm here to punish you."

Elliot's erection got granite-hard, AJ proceeded to tearing off his
wife-beater and Elliot gasped loudly as AJ's smooth, pronounced abs are
revealed.

"What did I do, AJ baby?" Elliot whispered.

The highly seductive undertone of Elliot's reply took him by surprise.

"You, um? you, you burned down a house."

The mood was trashed.

"I burned down a house. Which house? Where the hell did that come from AJ?"
Elliot quipped, as he sat up in the bed.

"Well, why are you acting so angry? When someone says you've been a very
bad boy in this situation, why on earth would you even ask what you've
done? IT'S A FREAKING RHETORICAL QUESTION!"

"Well?I'm a virgin how the hell was I supposed to know that!" Elliot
replied, obviously embarrassed.

"So we've moved from potential sex to arguing, who would've thought."

AJ was pissed and Elliot was embarrassed, but tried to cover it up by being
angry.

"Well can't we just continue where we left off? I mean, it isn't that
awkward, is it?" Elliot said hopefully.

AJ shook his head yes and Elliot's cat meowed. Elliot took it as a yes from
the cat too and turned red.

"Shut the fuck up, Buttercup, you bitch!" Elliot cursed.

AJ succumbed to the awkwardness at that point.

"Maybe I should go, Elliot."

Elliot didn't give a reply. AJ went through the window.

***

Elliot woke up, sat up in his bed and then the dream came back to him. He
groaned painfully into his pillow.

"Well, fuck me!"