Date: Mon, 11 Jan 2016 20:17:40 -0600
From: Zach Pancakes <zachthepancake@gmail.com>
Subject: Rule the World 7 - Schwarszchild Metric

Disclaimer: There are gays (and said gays will eventually have sex), leave
if you're allergic or sensitive to that kind of thing. This is a ficticious
story, and if someone resembles you that's awesome but unintentional.

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___

Rule the World 7 - Schwarszchild Metric

By Zach Pancakes

___

"Good morning, Connor!"

Said dude almost jumped through the roof. He was being aknowledged in his
classroom, and it wasn't the teacher. It was Ericka! A teenager! A teenage
CLASSMATE!

"...Good morning."

Suddenly, he was being assaulted by harmless questions with little
relevance to anything! Ericka seemed genuinely happy to be talking with him
about the samurai period! He thought he was the only one...What was this?
It was...incredibly fun!

Were they friends? This was the weirdest thing that had happened to him
since...wow, his life had gotten really weird since he met Zach and
Addy. People kept staring at them, until the teacher came in and shh'd
everyone. Just weird all around.

Socializing felt great.

Zach wasn't in the table during lunch, but he still told Addy about it.

She giggled. "Connor, you silly thing. She's definitely trying to be your
friend! It's great, right?"

Connor stroked his chin. And nodded. "It is much better than being
ignored. Perhaps I should muster the strength to invite her to have lunch
with us..."

The librarian shot them an immediate death glare. Addy shrugged. "At this
rate, we may actually have to start going to the cafeteria. I doubt
anything bad would happen, you know?"

Connor shivered. The world was moving too fast! He really didn't want to
entertain the idea of going back into the jungle. Might as well change
subjects.

"Where is Zach, in any case?"

___

They were at a standstill. The sound of silence their only companion. Their
eyes, intertwined like a hyperactive couple finally alone after 6 months.

Zach sneezed.

"For heaven's sake, Zachary! You must reconsider!"

And Ms. Elena Souza slammed the table, breaking their truce. Zach
understood she was a figure of authority, but how could he be intimidated
when all he wanted to know was how she got her hair in such a perfect bun?

"Nu-uh! It's too much effort!"

Elena was sweating now. She had threatened to call his parents, and he had
dialed the number for her. He had threatened detention, and he said it'd be
great time to learn a new hobby!

She collapsed, defeated, on the table. Talking to Zach about anything
remotely serious was like trying to swat a mosquito while on a wheelchair.

"I cannot believe YOU are our class' best shot at the Math Olympics! Do you
not understand how honoured you should be?"

Zach played with his hair. "But Teach, Math's so easy, can't you, like,
send someone else?"

Elena grinded her teeth together. "No, I can't. Pardon my language but I
swear kids get more stupid every year. I would appreciate it from the
bottom of my heart if you could help me with this."

Man, she kinda talks like Connor. Wait, no. Get serious, Zach! He decided
to follow his mom's advice, to be used whenever a great moral dilemma is
placed before him!

"Do I get anything out of this?"

The teacher's face relaxed a bit. So Zach WAS capable of being swayed.

"A trophy? Your name in the hall of fame?"

Zach yawned. The Connor Hall he'd build after he conquered all of the
world's continents sounded way better. Would Addy be okay with a really
small portrait on one corner of it? Would it lose too much purpose if it
had a laser tag room?

Elena was fucking fed up by this point. This was highly unprofessional but
what fucking ever, okay!?

"I'll buy you ice cream? Or something? PLEASE!?"

"DEAL."  ___

"You're shitting me! You're representing the school on the Math Olympics!?"

Addy's mouth stayed open after her words, she was fucking surprised. She
always knew Zach was kinda good at math and memorizing useless shit, but
the Olympics!?

Connor looked at Zach in a whole new way. He loved his friends but he never
saw them as the type to aim so high...! A whole new admiration for him was
building in his chest. He might even be blushing. Slightly.

Zach had a sheepish smile as he rubbed the underside of his nose. It felt
good to brag! One step closer to world domination! He couldn't even speak,
his smile was too damn wide. 'Hehe' kept leaving his mouth for a good few
minutes. The ice cream was going to be the best part, of course.

Damn, the afternoon breeze was nice. He couldn't help but hum songs in
triumph. This was such a nice walk back ho-

Addy smacked him. "God, we get it already, you're smart. Wow, did I really
just say that?"

Zach put his hands behind his head, rubbing it. "Pfft. Come on, girl. You
act like you and Connor aren't the bomb at other things."

Connor and Addy looked at each other.

"I suppose. My strengths are more focused on literature, however. I could
never bear claim to something like a mathematics competition."

Addy patted Connor's head. "Well, I definitely can't talk that pretty. I've
got a mean Pile Driver though."

Zach patted Addy's head. They had now transformed into a walking
train. Choo-choo. "Why aren't you in sports, Addy? It'd be fucking boss to
see you dunk some barbie dolls on the court!"

The train stopped. Why WAS she not dunking fucking barbie dolls on the
court? "Zach, you're a genius! Wow, did I really just say that?"

Zach frowned. "Ok, now you're just trying to be rude."

Connor patted Zach. The train became a...thing? "I wonder if there's any
club that would suit me."

Zach raised his hands into the air, symbolizing a disastruous
trainwreck. "Chess! There's a chess club!"

And if Connor joined he'd double-win cuz he'd have someone else to prank!
Addy wasn't even falling for them anymore. And maybe he and Connor would go
to tournaments! It could be so...romantic.

Connor shook his head. "I would prefer something less...competitive. But I
don't feel the reading club is for me, since I prefer to do that
alone...maybe something I have not tried before?"

Addy checked her phone right then, and it seemed she had to go. "Mom needs
me to do some stuff, catch you later. Try the sewing club? I hear if they
don't get more members soon they're literally going to shut down. Anyways,
see ya!"

And she ran off. Wow, she was fast. Zach grunted. "Maybe she should just
join the god damn track team, just look at the hollaback girl go!"

Connor tilted his head. He didn't get it. "Let's leave that aside for
now. Sewing...isn't that a more feminine hobby?"

Zach chuckled. "Who cares? I bet it's hella fun! Baking is 'feminine' too
and I love it. Oh! Maybe I can join the baking club!"

Connor remembered the first time he had tried to help his mother in the
kitchen. The pancake caught fire as if Satan itself was being exorcised
from it, and the firemen actually ended up having to come in. No more
cooking for him.

He was brought back to reality by Zach ruffling his hair. "You don't even
NEED a club, you know? You can do whatever when you're bored and it's just
as good!"

Connor smiled just a little bit. Zach was no poet, but he had his
moments. They were getting close to their usual splitting point, so the
ruffling stopped.

"Well, I'm gonna get going too! Won't get free ice cream if I don't smash
all those nerds next week. Bye~!"

Connor grinned. His poet moments were truly fleeting. "I'll see you
tomorrow."

Connor watched him run. His hair swayed so nicely, in the wind. Just look
at that hollaback boy go.

"...What does hollaback even mean?"

___

"ONE MORE SON, ONE MORE!"

Zach was heaving for air. thirteen, fourteen...The loud work-out music his
only source of strength.

"F-Fiftee-FUCK!" Zach's arms gave out to the weight of his own body, and he
collapsed on the floor like a jelly ragdoll. He saw little Connor dots of
light hazing his vision. Don't follow...the Connors...

Cody picked up his son, forcing him to keep standing, despite Zach's legs
viciously trembling. His mother had come in, bringing him some sport
drinks.

"Drink up, honey! There's a lot more to do!"

Zach gulped it down. Not because he was pumped up- just hella thirsty. His
mom took some pictures of him gulping down. God knows what she'd do with
them.

"Excellent, son! I didn't even know you could do push-ups! I'm so proud I
won't even ground you for swearing! Melissa, make sure to get a picture
with me too!"

Zach gasped after the bottle ran outta juice.

"How...How is this even going to help me...it's a...math competition..."

Cody groaned. In shock and disgust. "Zachary! You said the Olympics! Not
the god damn Math-athlon!"

Zach looked like he was going to cry. "You didn't let me FINISH my
sentence! I'm going to starve you tomorrow!"

Zach was embraced by his maternal unit, really hard. His already destroyed
lungs were threatened. "My baby! I'm so proud of you! How did you even get
into the math-ugh! You're so sweaty!"

As his mom left to dry herself up, Zach realized it was going to be a
really fucking long week. Especially because they kept going for no reason
at all.

Later that night, he tried to whine about the training session to Addy
through texting, given he was too tired to speak or move from the bed. And
he finally got a reply!

"lol, youre such a wuss."

Zach didn't reply.  ___

"GAH!"

It was the sound of air leaving Connor's lungs after he had been pressed
hard against the wall. Ah, it had been way too long. Not that he missed it,
mind you. It just made sense that it'd start happening again eventually.

Connor opened his eyes. It was Ron Haroldson. The only blond man in his
class, his pretty face was definitely in disarray with his violent
nature. Connor was about 84% sure this was their first conversation. Not
the best start for a blooming friendship.

"What do you want? Have I wronged you in the past?" Ron made sure Connor
hit the floor, and cracked his fists.

"Sure ya fucking did, mate. What's your deal with my girl Ericka!?"

Ericka? This was about Ericka? Connor didn't recall warning signs plastered
over her. He felt himself getting angry. Life without beatings was too good
to just go back to it!

"We're friends, why is that an issue? Why is EVERYTHING an issue with you
people? Ericka's smart, she can pick her friends!"

They glared at each other. In truth, behind all the anger Connor felt like
50 bunnies inside a trenchcoat, trying oh so hard to seem like an actual
human. He saw Ron's face scrunch in ire, and his fist being raised. Connor
closed his eyes.

He should've joined the Karate club.

"RON! What the HELL are you doing?"

It was Ericka- Again. Connor certainly appreciated being saved, even if it
always happened after he was on the floor. Ron looked like an octopus
caught by the limb police- busted.

"E-Ericka! I, I was just-"

"Your GIRL Ericka? Seriously!? I bet the whole school heard that one! Maybe
I'd feel fucking moved if you had the balls to invite me to dinner before
pissing all over the school like a jealous dog!"

Woah. Connor gulped. Ericka was the scariest person he'd met, and she
wasn't even bullying him. Ron cowered too, almost as if preparing for a
huge slap.

"I-"

"And Connor? If you're going to be a jealous dork at least don't pick on a
twig!"

Connor rolled his eyes. Thanks, Ericka.

"And he's a cool twig, mind you! Way more interesting than your one track
mind!"

Oh. Thanks, Ericka. Connor blushed a bit as he glanced at Ron, who seemed
like he was going to cry. A small crowd was surrounding them, which only
made Ron feel even more destroyed.

"B-But I was just...I felt-"

"Whatever! You're going to apologize, now! Help him back up!"

Ron looked absolutely defeated. Who would've known the whole alpha dog
thing doesn't actually work in real life? Ron sheepishly pulled Connor back
up, and crossed his arms.

"...Sorry, mate. Ericka's been leaving me hanging in the mornings and..."

What a petty reason to indulge in violence. They just didn't understand,
did they? How much damage they actually did when they acted like
this. But...it had been a pretty good week so far, what the hell.

Connor shrugged. "It's okay. This is not unusual for me."

Ericka pressed both of them together. "Naw, not okay! You're eating lunch
with us from now on, alright?"

Ron's eyes flew open. "He is!?"

And Connor scratched his hair. "I am!?"

And Ericka smiled. "Of course! Ron's harmless, when he gets to know you
he'll also like you! There's no problem, right?"

Connor smiled. He was pretty happy. He'd been pretty happy lately,
actually. For one, he didn't get hammered into the wall like a piece of
modern art. And he felt like him and Ericka WERE kind of becoming
friends. The first friend he'd made almost without help! Zach and Addy
would be happy about it.

Heck, with Ericka and Ron with them the cafeteria might actually prove to
start remotely resembling a safe space! Perhaps.

"There is not. May I invite some friends to the table?"

Ron's eyes got even bigger. He was even pushed back. "You have FRIENDS!?"
___

It was really tense on the table.

Zach kept staring at Ron, angry due to his earlier acts.

Addy kept staring at Ericka, feeling outmatched in the ladylike department.

Ron kept staring at Connor, embarassed with the whole situation.

Ericka and Connor were discussing victorian fashion. They'd been going for
almost all lunch, and it was amazing for how long they could go on. Ericka
was on the sewing club, and that had pretty much nailed in his decision on
what club to join.

At a certain moment Zach began feeling ultra jealous. He'd never shared any
specific hobbies with Connor other than getting along. He didn't even know
Connor had interest in any sort of fashion! Ericka and him were basically
joined at the hip! What if he was straight? Why was he waiting so long for
this damn it!?

It was like a glass slowly filling with drops of water. He'd ignored it too
long, and now it was getting out of his hands!

He looked back at Ron, and noticed the exact same look, but directed at
Ericka. Damn it, they'd both been stupid teenagers!

Would it be super cruel if he teamed up with Ron to destroy their
friendship?

...

Wow Zach, the fuck? That's not okay.

Addy poked Zach, and Ron, on the ribs. "Psst. Stop staring so hard. You'll
burn holes through them."

Ron groaned. "Oh shut it aye? This day's shit enough for me to be bossed
around by you."

Addy elbowed him. "What the fuck did you just say? WE'RE the ones being
nice here, after you had Connor on the ground! Don't make me whoop you. Ask
Zach how that goes."

Ron backed down after that. He sighed and glanced over at Zach. "Jesus,
every single gal in this school is crazy scary."

Zach giggled. But it wasn't like he was enjoying his company or anything!
___

Connor seemed super happy on the way home. He was commenting on how his
mother actually had sewing equipment stored away, and his surprise at how
long it'd taken him to figure out this was something that he could do.

Zach puffed his cheeks. Fuck it. Now or never. The only real defeat was
never trying! It'd be better to die here than finding making out later or
WORSE- Holding hands!!!

"Hey, are you and Ericka...do you, you know, like, like LIKE her?"

Addy coughed. "That's too many likes."

Zach shushed her. They both stared at Connor, who was thinking.

Zach was about to grind his teeth into dust from the suspense. His mouth
was dryer than the Sahara. He couldn't even dare to day dream about
alternate possibilities- shit was too real.

Connor spoke up. "Well, she is great to talk to, and we share several
interests. I feel she'll make a great friend."

Zach breathed out a sigh of relief, even though he was almost sure Connor
didn't get the actual meaning of the question.

Wait. What if he liked Addy instead? No! This was too much! This had to end
now!

"S-So-"

Connor, suddenly reminded of something, jolted in place. "Ah! I just
remembered mother asked me to run an errand. I need to head back a bit. I
will see you tomorrow."

No! Fuck this interruption just before the confession thing! B-but he was
scared. He was plenty sure they'd still be friends, but what if things got
-weird-!?

Zach looked over at Addy, who was chewing through her nails.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Zach put his hands over Connor's shoulders and spun him around, just as he
begun to leave.

"W-wait! I need to know. Um, do you, like, like me super like me? And I
mean hyper mega ultra like me? Like, wake up thinking about me like me? I
like you."

Connor's eyes flew open. And his mouth was hanging low. And just before he
spoke.

"Cuz, like, if you're into Addy or something that's fine! I don't mind! I'd
marry her if I liked girls!"

Addy wanted to whine but she appreciated the comment too much.

"And I just want to know because fuck I didn't want to ask on Christmas and
make it super awkward, and lik-"

Connor placed his hand over Zach's mouth. He was blushing really hard, and
had to look away.

Zach was blushing even harder, and his heartbeat was fast enough that he
was pretty sure Connor could feel it through his skin. Despite the tension,
the feeling of Connor's fingers on his lips was electrifying. He was in a
mix of terror and wonder.

"I...I don't know. It is a...very heavy question. I, um, I have to go run
that errand. Please let me think about it."

Connor looked up, and he found Zach's pleading, shining eyes. But it was
the truth. He'd never even liked anyone before, so how could he know? A
poorly informed decision would do more harm than good.

He felt a tight knot in his throat, one he'd never ever felt before. He
needed to ponder. Alone. Real far from his current location.

"S-see you tomorrow!"

Connor turned around, lightly shaking off Zach's hands, and walked
away. After a short time, he began walking faster, until he was running.

Zach slowly crawled into the floor. This wasn't how it was supposed to
go. There were supposed to be at least 3 kisses and a horrified Addy by
now. He'd rushed into it and tripped right into a nuclear wasteland.

He spent a lot of time on the floor. Haste makes waste, was it?

Addy shook him with her foot.

Zach groaned. "God, I fucked up. Just let me die here."

Addy sat down next to him, and sighed. "Timing could have been a bit
better."

_____

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