Date: Thu, 05 Apr 2001 10:48:39 -0600
From: tarantau tarantau <tarantau@hotmail.com>
Subject: Ryan's Odyssey Chapters 13 and 14

Here are Chapters 13 and 14

Hope you enjoy them

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REALITY IS BUT JUST AN EXTENSION TO A DREAM

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

We both climbed into the backseat of mom's Blue Chevy Celebrity.  I knew he
wanted to pull me close to him and put his arms around me, and that's what I
wanted too.  I knew it couldn't happen, so instead he took my hand on the
seat and held it tight.  Two days ago had been the single greatest day of my
life, and today I wasn't sure what was happening.  My mother was laying in a
hospital bed, and Ryan's father had suddenly come back.  I knew how my
mother felt about my homosexuality, it was her hatred for something I had no
control over, which led her to committ the act she had.  I knew deep down
inside that I had nothing to do with it, but I still couldn't help but feel
guilty.  Like the old saying goes, when it rains it pours.   I knew were all
the people I cared about stood on me and Ryan's love for each other.  My
father and mom, I couldn't think of Ryan's mom as anything other then mom,
were supportive of us, and had seemed to accept it, even if they didn't
fully understand it.  The only person I wasn't quite sure of was Ryan's dad,
and I wasn't even sure if it really mattered.  We had all run out of the
house well before he could say anything else.

Mom pulled into the parking lot at Angel Falls General, and I was out the
door running towards the hospital, before the engine had even died.  I ran
into the front room, almost knocking down an elderly man who was leaving.  I
gave a quick apology and continued down the hall towards the area where I
knew they were keeping my mother.  I saw my father sitting on a chair in the
waiting room, I walked up to him and put my arms around him.

"Dad," I said, "I came as quick as I could."

He looked up at me, I could see the worry in his eyes, they were bloodshot
and swollen, like he had spent most of the time crying.

"I don't know how to say this," he said, "so I'm just gonna come out and say
it...it's about your mother."

"The doctor told me a few minutes ago that your mother is brain dead, we
need to make a decision as to what were gonna do next.  The life support
systems will keep her alive as long as we need them too, but we need to
decide when were gonna have to let go..."

I couldn't hold the tears back, and I wouldn't have even if I could.  I feel
to the floor, racked with the sobs coming from my body.  I felt weak, lost,
a kaliedescope of mixed emotions.  I hated my mom at that moment, I know
that sounds cruel, but I hated her for resorting to this, 'cause she
couldn't accept I was in love with Ryan.  I hated myself for succoming to an
emotion I couldn't control.  I knew I could never love a female, the way I
loved Ryan.  Ryan was the first one there to pick my off the floor, he
stroked my hair as I buried my head in his chest.  He didn't say anything,
like all the superficial things people say, when someone they know is dying.
  Instead he said a million things without saying one single word.

"Dad," I said, "would it be all right if  I said goodbye alone."

He shook his head, and we walked hand in hand towards my mother's room.

I pulled the chair up next to her bed and took her hand.  She looked like
she was sleeping, with the exception of all the wires attached to her
helping to keep her alive.

"Mom," I said, "I am so angry right now.  Why couldn't you just accept the
fact that I love Ryan.  I realize you think it's wrong, but why did you have
to go and do what you did?  I'm still the same boy you've loved all your
life, nothing you did or could ever do made me turn out this way.  It isn't
a decison I made at the spur of the moment.  I think I have loved Ryan since
the first time I saw him in the second grade.  Even when we were in the
fight, I knew he was gonna be my best friend, it was just something about
the way he looked at me.  I wish you could have learned to accept it, and we
would have all been happy."

The tears were streaming down my face.  It was hard for me to say what I had
to say, but I knew it was something I had to do.  I knew she probably
couldn't hear me, but I was hoping deep down that even if she couldn't hear
the words I was saying, that maybe she could hear the words my heart was
saying.

"The happiest day of my life was the day Ryan finally told me he loved me.
It was better then the forth of July, Christmas, and my birthday all rolled
into one.  I thought nothing could ever get better then that.  I wanted so
much for you to accept us, and love us both unconditionally.  I was scared
to tell you, but I never thought you would stop loving me.  Yes, I feel as
if you stopped loving me, because if you truly loved me, you would not have
been able to do what you did.  What kind of pills did you take?  Did you
think it was something you did that made me gay?  No, mom, I have alway been
gay and even if I had never told you, I still would have been gay, and
probably very unhappy.  I found a person to love and shouldn't that have
made you happy, instead of me pretending to like a girl and being miserable.
  I can't change the facts of what I am, and I want you to know and realize
I will always love you, but I also love Ryan, and no matter what I will
never stop.  I can't."

I stood up from the chair, kissed the top of her forehead, "I'll miss you,
goodbye mom," I opened the door and walked out into the hall.  I walked
about three steps from the door, when everything started to go black and the
world started spinning under my eyes, and the last thing I saw was the floor
coming up to meet me.

* * * * * * * *

He was sleeping, but I could see in his face it wasn't a peaceful sleep.  I
could see the pain in the way his eyes moved, the fear of what being gay in
a straight society was gonna put him through.  I knew the live we were
destined to lead wasn't gonna be easy on either one of us.  I knew there was
gonna be some people out there who couldn't accept us for who we were, but I
had never expected anything like this. I had been sitting next to his bed,
holding his hand for over three hours now.  I leaned over and kissed the top
of his forehead, when I saw him stirring and coming to life.

"Kyle," I said, "are you okay."

"I'm thirsty," he said.

I got him a glass of water and held it to his lips well he took a drink.  It
was quiet for a moment, when he looked at me and said, "She's gone."

I just nodded my head, "They pulled the plug right after you left the room."

"Do you think it's wrong?" he asked.  "

"Do I think what is wrong?" I asked.  I knew what he was asking, but I had
to hear him say it.

"Our love," he said, "do you think it's wrong?"

"No," I said, "nothing that feels this perfect can ever be wrong.  It would
be wrong for me to pretend that I didn't love you like I do, because it's
what society expects."

"Maybe society is right," he said, "maybe my love for you is wrong.  maybe
it's one of the trials and tribulations we all have to go through to prove
our strength, and in the end everything turns out great."

I stroked his black hair, running my hands down the sides of his face.  "I
love you," I said, "and if  it's a trial or tribulation I have to go
through, then I don't care.  I don't know what tommorrow is gonna bring, but
I do know that you make me whole.  without you I would only be half a
person."

I never expected him to say what he said next.  No I'm lying I did expect
it, sort of, but wasn't truly prepared for it.  He turned towards me, the
tears streaming down his face.

"Our love killed my mother," he said.

"No, Kyle," I said, "ignorance and things people taught your mother about
homosexuality killed your mother.  She was brought up to believe that
homosexuality is a sin in God's eyes.  I feel partly responsible for what
happened.  I know you didn't want to tell her, but you tell me you would
have been just as happy living a lie?"

He didnt say anything, but then he didn't have to since I already knew the
answer.  We just sat there quietly thinking about what else our love was
gonna bring our way.

"I'm not happy right now, " he said, "can I be alone for a few minutes."

I didn't want to leave him, but I kissed his forehead and walked out the
door.
* * * * * * * *

I knew Ryan was right.  I knew I wouldn't have been happy living a lie, I
knew it wasn't my fault my mother couldn't accept me for who I was.  I knew
it wasn't her fault or anybody's for that matter.  I quess I drifted off to
sleep again, cause the next thing I remember was the sun shining through the
curtains straight into my eyes waking me up.  My mouth was dry and for a
moment I had forgot where I was.  When my eyes had focused I remembered what
had happend and the flood gates opened up again.  I ain't much of crier if
that's what you all think.  Up until these last few days I rarely if ever
showed emotion.  I got up out of the bed and made my way to the restroom to
relieve myself, when I saw the piece of paper sitting on top of the bedside
table.  There was one single word written on the outside of it.  It was
written in my mother's writing.

All it said was, Kyle.

I took it in my hand, laid back down on the bed and started reading.

Kyle,

I know what's going through your heart right now.  I know how your are
feeling.  All I can say is I'm sorry, I just can't accept what your going
through.  Homosexuality is wrong,  I know you say you were born like that,
and it wasn't a decision you made, but why would God give life to people in
order just to punish them in the end.  I just can't accept that it's not a
choice you made...

It was hard to read with the tears streaming down my face,

...or is everything I have been brought up to believe wrong.  Is our whole
life based on a lie.  I know you don't understand right now, but I' hoping
someday you will.  If you are reading this letter, then I know I am gone.
I'm not even sure at this point if I believe in heaven, but I can't stay
around and watch the person I love most in this world, subject himself to a
live of hell on earth.  Please forgive me, and take care of your father.
and please tell Pete that I have never stopped loving him.   One more thing
before I go.  I hope you and Ryan are happy together.

Love for always,

Your mother.

I was just about to set the letter down when my father walked in.  "I'm
sorry dad," I said, "I killed mom."

He didn't say anything, he just took me in his arms and held me like he did
when I was little and scared.



RYAN'S ODYSSEY

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

The buzzing of the alarm clock, and I knew the day I had been dreading was
finally upon me.  I pulled the pillow over my head to block the rays of the
morning sun shining through my window.  The weatherman had said it was gonna
be a beautiful day, but in my opinion it was one of the worst days ever.
Kyle's mother's funeral was to be a 10:00 in the morning, and that night was
the first home football game.  I should have been starting with Kyle, and
his parents, both of them sitting in the stands along with my mother and
little sister cheering me on.   I rolled out of the bed, and reluctantly
made my way towards the shower.  The warmth of the water did nothing to
bring my spirits up.  I hadn't seen Kyle since he had told me he wanted to
be alone at the hospital,  I had tried to call him, but his father just told
me to be patient with him and give him sometime, when he refused to talk to
me.  I couldn't help but think that he blamed me, or even himself for what
happened, and no matter how many times we tried to convience him that it
wasn't his fault.  Nothing we said would change his mind.

I put on my black suit, with the black tie, checked my hair in the mirror,
and walked down the hall towards the kitchen.  My mother and father were
sitting at the table drinking coffee.  I hadn't seen him since that night,
and wasn't even really sure what to say to him.  He stood up, walked towards
me and without saying anything hugged me tight.   I knew right then and
there that he had accepted me for who I was, and would support me in
whatever decisions I had made.

"Sit Ryan," he said, "I need to tell you something, and please don't
interupt until I am done."

I poured my cup of coffee and sat down in the chair next to him.

"I am so sorry about what happened to your friends...I mean boyfriends mom,"
he said, "I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you and tell you I understand
about your feelings for your friend..."

"Kyle," I said, "his name is Kyle."

"Kyle, yes that is right," he said, "I don't understand how you feel for
Kyle, but all I want is for you to be happy, and if loving him is what makes
you happy, then I will learn to accept it even though it will be hard for
me.  I don't expect you to think of me as much of a father, and to forgive
me for what I did, but I'm just hoping that somehow or someway you can find
it in your heart to at least try."

"Give me some reason to," I said, "You can't just ask me to act like you
weren't there for fourteen years of my life.  You can't just aske me to
forget the fact you weren't there at all the father and son things, when
every other kids father was.  I used to lie about where you were at, when
the other kids would ask.  Every kid in my grade thought I had the greatest
father, they believed me, when I told them you were working for the FBI, and
were on a special assignment.  How could I tell them you abandoned me?"

He didn't say anything, but then again, words weren't really necessary.

"Hello, who are you?"

We heard the voice behind us, and all three turned around to see me little
sister, Robin standing in the doorway, wiping the sleep from her eyes.  I
waved her towards me, sat her down on my lap and kissed the back of her
blonde hair.  "Robin, I want you to meet someone," I said, "This is my dad."

"Why did you say that you didn't understand why Ryan and Kyle loved each
other.  Everybody knows how much they do," she said.  "I love my friend,
Wanda, she makes me happy."

I smiled, I knew she didn't understand what we had been talking about, she
thought we just loved each other as friends, and there was nothing wrong
with loving your friends.  Childhood inocence, isn't it a wonderful thing.

We all piled into my mother's car.  I hadn't really expected my father to go
with us, since he didn't really know Kyle's family, but he insisted saying
that he wanted to be there for me, at this time when I needed him most of
all.

The church was packed to capacity.  All of Kyle's friends had shown up,
classes had been let out for the students who wished to attend the funeral.
I wanted to go up front and sit next to Kyle and just let him know that I
was there for him, but decided instead to sit towards the back with my
mother and father.  Grandma had come over to watch Robin.  I was sitting
there trying to keep the tears from streaking down my face, when I felt a
hand touch my shoulder.  Standing behind me was a man I had never seen
before, and sitting next to him was another man I had never seen before.
But I saw something in there eyes, it was the same look Kyle gave me, and I
knew who he was.

"You must be Kyle's Uncle Pete," I said, "he talks about you all the time."

"and you must be Ryan," he said, "the boy who stole his heart."

The floodgates opened up and I cried.  Not loud just silently letting the
tears streak down my face.  He grabbed my hand and lifted me up and said,
"come you need to be with the family."

* * * * * * * *

I had seen Ryan walk in, and I wanted so desperately for him to sit next to
me.  I knew that I could make it through anything if he was by my side,
supporting me.  He sat down towards the back of the church and my heart
almost dropped.  I knew he wasn't sure if I wanted him at that point, since
I had refused to talk to him, but I just felt as if I had to come to terms
with what had happened on my own.  I hadn't seen Uncle Pete walk in, cause
it hurt to much to turn around and look at Ryan.  I know I should have been
thinking about my mother, but I was still so angry at her for doing what she
did.  It's hard to explain, I missed her so much, but if she truly loved me,
then how could she take her own life and leave me all alone.  It was far
worse then what Ryan's dad had did, at least there was still a chance for
them.  I was sitting there, people walking up to me and my dad telling us
both how sorry they were.  We had agreed that nobody needed to know the
reason behind what had happened.  It had been labeled as an accident, and
that's what we had wanted everone to believe.

I felt a hand touch my shoulder and saw Uncle Pete and Ryan standing next to
me.  "I though he needed to be with the family," he said.

My dad stood up and grabbed Ryan into a tight hug, "I love you, Ryan," he
said, "don't ever think that I blame you for what happened.  I have known
since you were twelve, and Kyle broke his arm that what you two felt for
each other was more then friendship, even if neither of you did,"

He sat down next to me, and held onto my hand.

The funeral service was beautiful.  People who knew my mother went up there
and  told about what she had meant to them.  When it came my turn, I walked
to the front of the church, grabbed the microphone and began to speak.

"I want to thank you all for coming, I never realized just how many people
one life can touch.  I had planned to say something, but instead I have
decided to sing a song, a song I  thinks say's everything there is to say
about my mother, besides it was always one of her favorite songs."  and
through the tears streaming down my face.  I began to sing, Garth Brook's
"The Dance,"

Looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared
neath the stars above
for a moment all the world was right
how could I have known
that you'ld ever say goodbye

and now I'm glad I didn't now
the way it all would end
the way it all would go
our lives our better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
but I'd of had to miss the dance.

Holding you I held everything
for a moment wasn't I a king
but if I'd only know how the king would fall
hey who's to say
you know I might have changed it all

and now I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end
the way it all would go
our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
but I'd of had to miss the dance.

I sat the microphone down and walked  back towards my seat.  I couldn't
think of a better way for me to say goodbye.  I sat back down next to Ryan
and he grabbed my hand and I knew everything was gonna be just fine.