Date: Fri, 09 Mar 2001 12:04:32 -0700
From: tarantau tarantau <tarantau@hotmail.com>
Subject: Ryan's Odyssey Chapter 4

To all my fans, I appreciate the comments more then you will ever know.  I
hope you enjoy this chapter.  Once again let me know, I will try and answer
all e-mails.  I wanted this chapter to be longer, but I thought where I
ended was the best place to stop.

Ryan's Odyssey

Chapter Four

The weekend had kinda of past by without much incident, and before I knew
it, it was seven o'clock Monday morning, and time to go to school once
again.  The movie Todd had suggested to us was very good.  It had everything
I could have wanted in a movie.  A good story line, good acting, and of
course a cute boy.  I didn't see Ryan at all on Sunday, I was still trying
to think about the question he had asked me and the response I had given
him.  I had hoped I didn't let on to him about my feeling for him with my
response.

We had been parked out on the curb in his truck, when he asked the question.
  I was taken aback by the question, not sure of where it was coming from.

"I guess I've never really thought about it?" I answered.

"Well when your mom told you your uncle was gay?" he asked," how did you
feel about it."

Right at about that time, the song "This I promise you" started to come
through the speakers.  Isn't it funny how music seems to be a soundtrack to
our lifes, and the right song will start playing at just the most important
times. "I was deeply hurt at first, "I said, "but after a night of crying,
thinking I had lost my uncle, it was almost as if he had died.  I began to
realize he had been gay since before I was born, and I had loved him before,
so what had changed now.  Nothing as far as I was concerned, except for the
fact he was no longer welcomed in our house, and we kinda had to be careful
my mother never knew I still loved him."  I closed my eyes, trying to fight
back the tears I could feel trying to escape, "so to answer your question,
It would be hard, but eventually I would come to terms with it, as long as
the whole school didn't know about it.  I don't think I could handle that.
If it was our secret, we could still be best friends, or good friends, but
in a different light, if you know what I mean?"

"So what your saying is has long as he stays in the closet, only letting you
in, then your okay with it," he said, "but it anybody else finds out you
will no longer claim to be his friend."

"Ryan, why all the sudden interest in gays?" I asked.  "Is it because of
what I told you about Todd."

He grabbed another cigarette and lit it, "I'm just kinda curious that's all.
  Can I tell you a secret, he said, but you've got to promise not to tell
anybody."

"Best friends for life," I said, "Means you can trust me with your life."

"I found this website, by accident of course," he said, "called the nifty
archive.  It was stories about High School students like ourselves who find
out there gay, and about the struggles they go through.  I read a couple of
the stories, and seen what some of them go through when there outed really
makes you feel for them.  I was just kinda wondering if we would treat
someone the same way they did."

"If your asking if I'm homophobic, then the answer is no."

I stood under the cascading water of the shower, still thinking about the
question.  Did he suspect something, and was trying to tell me in his own
way, that he didn't have a problem with me being gay, or was he trying to
tell me...no way, he couldn't be.  Everybody knew that Football Gods weren't
gay, especially ones like Ryan.  Ryan was magic on the football field.  When
he touched the ball he didn't seem to be running, he looked more like a
graceful dancer, dancing the greatest dance in history.  For every football
game, home or away, the stands were filled to capacity with people who had
come to see what they knew was going to be a performance they would remember
for years to come.  I of course liked to think I was cheering louder then
anybody else.

"Kyle," I heard my mother call, "as I stepped out of the shower with just my
towel around my waist, "Ryan called and said he wasn't gonna be able to pick
you up today, apparently he isn't feeling real well this morning, and won't
be going to school today"

* * * * * * *

After Kyle had left Saturday night, I excused myself and went to my room,
closed the door and started crying like I had never cried before.  I loved
him, and I wanted the world to know.  I kept telling myself I was prepared
for the day I would finally let him know.  I had dreamed about it for years.
  I would tell him, he would accept it, and tell me he loved me too, and we
would live happily ever after.  What a stupid fantasy.

Sunday went by quicker then I would have liked, and before I knew it Monday
had rolled around. I wasn't physically sick, but I didn't want to face Kyle.
  It was getting kinda hard to see him everyday and not let him know how I
felt.

"Mom" I yelled.  When she finally got to my room, I told her that I wasn't
feeling good, and thought it would be best if I staying home from school for
the day.

Like all mothers, she placed her hand on my forehead to see if I had a
fever, determind I didn't and then asked me what was wrong.

I wanted to tell her so bad.  I wanted to let someone know that secret that
had been eating my heart for years, but how would she feel if her only son,
told her she was never gonna be a grandmother.  "I'm not sure," I said, "I
just feel real bad."

"I'll call the school," she said, "then work, and tell them I'm not coming
in, and then you call Kyle, and tell him your not going to pick him up for
school, so he won't be late waiting for you.  Then me and you are gonna sit
down and talk about a few things."

I knew right at that moment that she knew, but how I wasn't sure.
I knew Kyles habits, so I knew when I finally called he would be in the
shower, and I wouldn't have to speak to him.  I relayed the message to his
mom, and then walked into the kitchen.  My mom had already poured me a hot
cup of coffee.  "Drink your coffee, take a shower, and well your doing that,
I'm gonna take Robin to school, and when I get back, well sit down and have
our little talk."

Thirty minutes later I was showered and sitting at the table waiting for her
to return.

She poured herself a cup of coffee and asked if I wanted another.  I
declined.  Instead of sitting across the table from me, like she usually
did, she sat down right next to me.  "I know your not sick," she said, "I
wish you would tell me what's been bothering you lately.  Todd says it's
just growing pains from being a teenager, and I should just let you grow out
of them, but somehow I feel there's more to it then that.  I've tried to
raise you and your sister has best as I can all by myself, and I think I've
done a fairly good job.  I need for you to trust me with your problems, and
we can work them out."

I couldn't help it, I tried to hold my tears in, but somehow they just
escaped and started to run down my cheeks. "Mom," I said, "If you found out
I wasn't the perfect son, or the perfect hero, the whole town as made me out
to be, would you still love me."

"I've never thought you were the perfect son," she said, "as far as the rest
of the town. Three years from now, another perfect hero will come along, if
not sooner, but regardless if how anybody ever sees you or thinks of you, I
fell in love with you the first time I laid eyes on you and my love as only
grown deeper and stronger."

I was crying hard know, all my years of fustration were being released.

"Mom," I said, "I'm...

* * * * * * * *

To say Ryan's statement floored me was an understatement.  I had suspected
he was having girl problems, or problems in school, normal teenage boy
problems.  But when he hit me with the revelation he was gay, I kinda lost
my breath.

"Mom," he said, "you hate me know don't you?"

I started crying right along with him, "Hate you baby," I said, "I told you
awhile ago I loved you and that will never change.  Yes, this is a lot for
me to handle right now, and it may take me some time to come to terms with
it, but I will never stop loving you."

We spent the better part of the morning, talking about his feelings, the
tormoil he had been hiding deep within himself.  I could feel the pain in
each word he spoke, about how he was tierd of pretending to be something he
wasn't.  How he was in love with someone, but knew they would never return
his love, and just being close to them was breaking his heart in little
pieces.  He was sick of being perfect in everybody's eyes."

"I only have two questions for you Ryan?" I asked.  "First one is, do you
play football to hide the fact from others, or because you love it, and
second, and this isn't an easy one, but is Kyle the boy your in love with."

I knew the answer to the second question just by the look in his eyes, but I
wanted to hear it from him.  "Yes, to both questions," he said, "I love
playing football, and if I said I didn't enjoy the fame I'd be lying, except
sometimes I don't fell as if I'm doing it for myself anymore, I have to
please my fans and it takes the fun out of it sometimes."

"How do you think Kyle would react to finding out your gay?" she asked.

"He said he wouldn't have a problem with it..."

I interupted him, "You've already told him."

"No," he said, "He told me he had a gay uncle, and I asked him how he would
feel if he found out a good friend of his was gay.  He said he wouldn't have
a problem with it, as long as it stayed a secret between them."

"What brought this conversation on?" I asked.

"It was when he told me he thought Todd was gay," he said.

What a day this was turning out to be.  The two most important men in my
life both turned out to be gay, and I had never suspect it of either of
them.

I was still trying to digest all the information, when Ryan brought me out
of my trance, by leaning over and kissing me on the cheek, "Mom," he said,
"I've made a decision, and regardless of the consequences, I"m gonna tell
Kyle what I feel.  If he accepts me, then I will be happy and if he don't
well then I'll be torn apart, but I decide I can no longer live with my
inner turmoil."  He stood up, walked to his room, grabbed the keys to his
truck, and  his books and walked out the door to school, with a confidence I
hadn't seen in years.

* * * * * * * *

I had just walked out of the school building, not sure what to do for the
lunch hour, usually me and Ryan either drove to his house, raided the fridge
and kinda kicked  back for the hour.  I decided I was just gonna sit on the
steps and see what everybody else did, when I looked up and saw his truck
parked in the parking lot next to my car.  I figured he was feeling better.

"Hey bro, "I said, "when I approached his truck, "Looks like your feeling
better."

"You don't know how much," he said, "Hop in he said, let's go for a ride."

Please let me know what you think..

tarantau@hotmail.com