Date: Sun, 03 Jul 2005 09:48:27 -0400
From: Wdreamtime@aol.com
Subject: Sad song of a gay teen part five

  Sad song of a gay teen.............part five.A work of ficton by Paul
Walker.

  Greetings from the world of experimentasia.This story is copywright by
Paul Walker 2005.You may not copy or post it to anyother website without my
permission.This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons living
or other wise is a pure coincidence.The story contains acts of a sexual
nature between teen males and so if you are under age to be reading this
then go away now.

All coments can be e-mailedto wdreamtime@aol.com.Please include the title
of the story in your e-mail or I will delete it without reading it.Lol
Paul.


Chapter Five...........


It was around midnight when I got out of bed and made my way upstairs.I
picked up one of my acoustic guitars and began to play.I also found myself
singing quietly.It was a song that had lines in it about thinking about dad
and how he always made things work.In a way, it was quite a sad song but
thats just how I felt.I had heard that the hardest thing any parent can
ever do is to have to attend the funeral of one of their own kids.I was
just a kid and tommorow I was going to the funeral of not one, but both my
parents.As far as I was concerned that was the toughest thing anyone could
ever have to do.I just sat there and began to think about my life.

I had been born on the 25th February 1992 in the maternity unit at
Manchester childrens hospital.I had weighed in at eight and half pounds and
was pronounced to be completely healthy.I soon became my parents pride and
joy,especially when people would stop mum and comment on how cute I was.

From an early age, I always remember my dad spending most of his spare time
listening to music.I suppose thats where my early interest developed
from.My grandparents also had a piano and it was from about the age of two
,that,every time I went to there house,I would sit and play around on it.It
was at around the age of four that mum and dad started sending me to have
piano lessons.My teacher was always telling them that I was a born
musician.When I was about six,I remember sitting with dad when he was
listening to one of his cds by some great guitarist,whose name I don't
rememeber,when I asked if I could have a guitar. A few days later,we went
out and bought one.From that moment on,I was just hooked on music.

Until about the age of ten,my life at school had been ok.It was at about
this age that things started to go wrong for me.It was one day, when I went
into the toilets,that another boy made a comment along the lines of,"watch
out,the queer has just walked in."That really upset upset me but I didn't
know why.It was not until about a year later,when I started to look up
words in the dictionary,that I began to understand what they meant.I
suddenly began to ubderstand that I was more interested in boys than I
would ever be in girls.Not long after my twelfth birthday,in 2004,I told my
parents that I was gay.They seemed ok with it and told me that I was still
their son.Their only son and that,as long I was happy with myself,then they
would always be there for me.I was now just over thirteen and that was the
problem.I really needed them and they where no longer around.

I am unsure of how long I had been there when Gary showed up.I was crying
again, as things were proving to be much more difficult than I was prepared
to admit.He put his arms around me and asked how long I had been there.

"I really don't know,"I told him.Then I said,"why,why the fuck did this
have to happen to me?What did I ever do to be in this situation?Just
because I'm different to those bastards,just because I'm good at
something,when they are just usless shits,what gave them the right to do
this to me?I hope they all rot in hell.They don't even deserve to be called
human.Why?"

By now the tears where really flowing and Gary just didn't have any answers
for me.Come to think of it,I don't think anyone did.It hurt so much to feel
the way that I did and there was nothing that I could do about it.We just
sat there for what seemed like an eternity before Gary eventually persuaded
me to go back to bed.Not that I slept much.

It was at ten thirty the next morning that the funeral procession turned
up.There where two cars containing the coffins of my parents and three
limos.I walked out of the house and began to let the reality of all that
had happend sink in.This was the last I would ever see of my parents.I
didn't cry and I didn't speak.I was just numb with the realization of it
all.I got into the first of the limos,along with Gary,Jane and Phil.I just
sat there,incabable of anything.I don't even know how long it took for us
to reach the cemetary.I was in a real state of shock

It was when we got to the cemetary that Paul Ashebrooke came over to me.I
was in a bad way.He spoke to me but it was as if I had suddenly become deaf
and dumb,as I didn't hear what he said and I was unable to respond.The next
time that I became aware of anything was after the coffins had been lowered
into the grave and I fell to my knees."Mum,dad ,I really am gonna miss you
both.I just don't know why any of this happend and I wish it hadn't.You
know I was being bullied and I know you did what you could but if that
fucking stupid professor Thomas had listend more,then I wouldn't be here
now would I?Please believe me when I say that this is not your fault."With
that I opend up the floodgates and cried like I had never cried before.I
remember Paul sitting next to me and telling me that I should let it all
go,as it was better than keeping it inside me

I remember that Gary also leaned over the grave and said some words about
taking care of me and wishing that he had know them.He also introduced
himself to them as the son in law that they would never know and that he
hoped they would have liked him.That was really moving.

My grandparents had aranged a sort of get together for everyone at a local
hotel.I asked if I could be excused from going.I really didn't want to be
surrounded by alot of people who I didn't know and who would just end up
pissing me off by saying the wrong thing',like how sorry they where about
what had happend.Paul offered to drive us back home.I suppose that was one
sign of my acceptance of the way things where,I was starting to refer to
Phil and Janes place as home.It was actually nice living there and not only
had I gained a boyfriend,in the form of Gary but also the big brother that
I had always wished for.For him,I was also the baby brother that he had
always wanted.So in that respect,it was a win-win situation.

When we arrived home,Paul asked if I was going to be ok.

"Yes,"I said,"Its just been really hard for me to deal with today."

"Thats totally understandable,"he replied.

Gary and I went into the house and I told him that I was going to go and
have a nap.What Gary didn't know was that I had secretly only been
pretending to take my medication and had actuslly built up a nice little
stash of pills and I had also been helping myself to various types of
alcohol from the drinks cabinet.I was planing on taking a very long nap,one
that I had no plans to ever wake up from.

"You gonna be ok?"Gary asked me.

"Yeah,I'll be fine when I've had a few hours sleep.I'll see you later."With
that ,I made my way upstairs to our room and locked the door behind me.I
retrived my supply of pills and booze from there hiding place and began to
take a few pills,followed by a good gulp of vodka or whisky or whatever
else I had stashed away.It really didn't matter what it was,as long as it
did the job.I finally began to drift out of conciousness and just began
having what seemed like plesurable thoughts of joining my parents.

I was unaware of how much time had passed before Gary came to check on me
but he told me later that he was really worried when he found that I had
locked the door.He had called his parents and then kicked the door in and
was shcoked by what he found.I don't remember this but he was screaming at
me and doing all he could to keep me awake until the ambulence arrived.When
he called 999,they told him to make sure that he did all he could to keep
me awake.They had also told him to stick his fingers down my throat to make
me vomit.At least that would get some of whatever I had taken out of my
system and increase my chance of survival.

When I opend my eyes,I had one hell of a headache and Jane and Phil where
sitting beside me.

"Where am I and why is my head hurting so much?"I asked.

phil replied by saying,"firstly, you have a hangover from all the alcohol
you drank and secondly,you're back in the hospital.You took an overdose.We
all knew that today was going to be hard on you but didn't think it would
get this bad.Gary is really upset that you did this.It really frightend
him."

"Where is he? I want to see him and tell him that I'm so sorry about being
so stupid."

"He went for a walk,he should be back soon,"Phil said."Hey,and no one
thinks yoy're stupid,I would have ended up doing the same thing if all that
has happend to you had happend to me.Just make sure you don't ever try to
pull a stunt like this again.We know that you really want your mum and dad
right now but there are alot of people who really care about you and want
you to be happy."

"I know,"I said to him."Its just that after the funeral,what I did seemed
like the easiest way of dealing with everything.If I'd known I was going to
end up with such a monster of a headache,I wouldn't have done it."

At that point, the door opend and Gary walked in,"hey bro, how you
feeling?If I'd know that you where planing on taking such a long nap,I
wouldn't have left you alone."

"I've got one hell of a headache but that should wear off sometime.And I'm
sorry that I scared the shit out of you.I promise that I won't try and do
anything like this again."

"You better not,it wasn't nice trying to make you vomit.And when you did,I
could hardly stand the smell,it made me sick to.I had to do it tho',as the
ambulence controller told me that it was the best way of getting some of
the stuff out of your system and help to make sure you survived.

For the second time in just over a week,Gary had come to my rescue and I
was in hospital again.It really had been a tough time for me.I was begining
to feel like it was time to move on and start getting my life back together
again.I realized that I had reached the lowest point that I could and that
the only way to go from here was up.

I was kept in the hospital for five days and had to talk to all sorts of
people about how I was feeling and trying to explain why I had tried to
take my own life.I even had to see a psychiatrist.When I had been in the
hospital after the rape,I hadn't wanted to be left alone,Now ,I was being
watched constantly and I was begining to hate it.In a way,I could
understand why.After all, I had just tried to commit suicide but being
watched all the time made it feel as if people didn't trust me.It was just
as bad when I was allowed to go home.I couldn't go to the kitchen to get a
drink or snack,without being followed.If I went to the bathroom,someone had
to go with me and when your thirteen,the last thing you want is for someone
watching you have a piss or a crap.Its embarrassing,to say the least.

After two days of being at home,I got so pissed off with it all that I just
lost it completely and screamed,"why the fuck doesn't anybody trust me
anymore?"

It was around 7.30 in he evening and we where all sat watching the tv in
the lounge.Phil,Jane and Gary all looked at me.Phil was the one to
speak,"its not that we don't trust you but we cannot be too careful at the
moment,not after what you did.We just don't want a repeat performance."

That made me laugh a little.Trying to kill myself was not funny but the
Idea of a repeat performance was.

"Look,"I said,"trying to kill myself seemed like a good idea at the time
but it wasn't really that nice and no way will I ever try that again.In
fact,I don't think I'll ever drink alcohol again,not if it makes you feel
like I did."

Phil laughed and said,"I won't take on bets on that one.The number of times
that i've woken up with a hangover and said i'm never going to drink again
is unbelievable.A few weeks later you end up doing the same thing all over
again.So ,never say never.But I hope you do mean it when you say that you
won't try take your own life again.I'm sure that if your mum and dad knew
that you had tried that,they would be really pissed off with you."

"I know they would.They would probably have grounded me for all eternity
and then some."By now I was begining to lighten up a little.

Jane joined in the conversation and added,"If you keep yourself out of
trouble for the next week,then maybe we will give you a bit of slack and
let you have at least some of your freedom back.Have we got a deal?"

"Of course we've got a deal"

Gary gave a slight laugh and smiled at me.Then he said,"and I wouldn't want
to be sticking my fingers down your throat too often."

'But,'I thought to myself,'I know something you would like to stick
there."It was as if Gary knew what I was thinking,from the way he was
smiling at me.It was really good having him around.Phil and Jane where
really cool too.They where making a great substitute for my parents but
they would never be a total replacement.No one ever could be.

"Phil?"I asked,"Did you organize those tickets for that concert?"

"Yes,"he replied."At least knowning about that should give you something
positive to look forward to."

I got up off the sofa and walked over to Phil and gave him a big hug."Thank
you,"I said,"I really do appreciate everything you have done for me and I
promise that from now on,I will try not to be too much of an asshole."Then
I made my way over to Jane and kissed her on the cheek."You've been
fantastic as well,I really don't know what I would have done with out
either of you."

I then went back to the sofa and lay down,resting my head on Garys lap.I
looked up at him and said,"as for you,you are so many things to me.My
rescuer,knight in shining armour,the big brother that I always wanted
and...."

"I get the picture,"he said,by way of interuption."Now shut up,you soft
sod,before I end up turning on the water works."

After that night,things started too get better for me.So,I had to go to
therapy sessions twice a week but that was just a part of the healing
process.I also spent alot of time playing music.It was the one release that
I had.Seeing the therapist twice a week was a big help,it certainly got me
to open up and really talk.It was good to talk about all the happy times
with my parents.Rememberig our holidays at our houses in Florida and
Spain.I aslo talked alot about what I wanted for the future,that really was
a huge boost,as it gave me things to look forward to and a sense of
purpose.

It wasn't all a bed of roses tho'.Especially not on the morning that the
police showed up to tell me that the boys who had raped me had actually
filmed the whole thing using the video camera on one of their mobile
phones.Just how sick where those assholes.Hearing that really knocked me
back.The good thing about this new evidence was that the boys had been
forced to plead guilty.After all,with evidence like that,they had absolutly
no way of denying what they had done.This meant that I would not have to
testify in court.That in itself was a huge relief.I had been dreading
having to relive the whole thing in court.

After that,the weeks passed by very quickly.I had resumed my education,all
be it on a part time basis,with the aid of a home tutor.I had stood my
ground on not wanting to go back to school and as there was only about five
weeks of the school year left,there was little point in trying to get me
into another school.Even if I did go to another school,I knew that I would
just have to face a new group of bullies.I had been hurt enough already and
so made it clear,that after the holidays where over,I would continue to be
educated at home with the tutor.Phil and Jane didn't argue with me on that
point,at least I was getting an eduction and not dropping out altogether.

After the funeral,my grandparents had gone off to California on a cruise
around the Pacific.I was happy that they had decided to do that,the change
would do them good.

Although my life was slowly being put back together again,I still missed my
parents terribly.Being with Gary was good,although we where still only at
the kissing and wanking stage.I just wasn't ready for anything esle at the
moment.

End of part five.