Date: Fri, 13 May 2005 02:31:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ray <yaalc@yahoo.com>
Subject: sebastian chapter 10

     The next three years passed by much like those last seven months. The
days were excruciatingly long and the months flew by. Beer wasn't doing it
for me anymore and I'd switched to vodka. I was drinking a fifth a day and
it was barely allowing me to get enough sleep to hold things together.

     The month's right after Sean's departure were the worst. When the
alcohol had worn off and the nightmares had woken me up, I had a lot of
time to do some serious reflecting. The issue of my sexuality had never
come up before. The first 14 years of my life were spent trying to get
enough to eat and avoiding the beatings. Survival was the most important
thing. And when everything happened with Sean I was more concerned with
getting my friend back than anything else.

    I tried to remember what I'd fantasized about when I'd masturbated
before I met Sean. I couldn't remember anything. It was like the feelings
that I got with my hand gliding up and down were more than enough to get me
where I wanted to be. At one point some guys from school planned a trip
down to a brothel about 40 miles away. I convinced them to let me go even
though I was way too young. Somehow I got in. I loved kissing the woman
that I had chosen. And I even enjoyed playing with her breasts. But when it
came down to "the" moment. The little guy wouldn't cooperate. I managed to
convince everyone that I'd had a great time. I went home more confused than
ever. I met a lot of people at school and at work. There wasn't anyone male
or female that did anything for me.

     The realization that scared me the most had to do with the
nightmares. At some point I realized that the only time I didn't have them,
since that last beating, was when Sean had his arm around me. I needed to
get more sleep. Good sleep, not just the passed out drunk sleep.

    I avoided looking in the mirror. What I saw there was frightening. I
looked horrible. I'd let my hair grow and mostly just let it fall where
ever it fell. My eyes had dark circles around them and my cheeks were
sunken. More and more, my meals were becoming liquid ones.

     I finally reached my eighteenth birthday and for a change I was
excited. I felt that I was always worried about "them" finding a way to get
to me. But now I'd be eighteen and I wouldn't have to worry anymore. I
celebrated it alone and without alcohol. I went to bed and woke up not long
after soaked in sweat and terrified. It wasn't going to go away.

    I kept in constant email communication with Pedro. I told him how well
I was doing and he told me how well Sean was doing. We were both lying and
we both knew it. All of this led to one cold winter day. I went to work
that morning, we finished up early and wouldn't be back that afternoon. I
didn't have classes that day either so I went home for lunch. That was a
rare occasion and I hoped I had some vodka waiting for me. I planned on
trying to sleep the siesta away.

     The fog had settled in for the day it seemed. The moisture in the air
left me damp. As I crossed the street approaching the house a figure
materialized in the fog. He just stood there looking at the house. Feeling
a bit nervous I approached him from behind. My breath caught.

    "Sean?"

     He whirled around to face me. His eyes were still dead and showed
confusion. It took a moment for him to recognize me. His face went pale and
he turned to hurry off. I ran after him. I grabbed his arm and forced him
to look at me. My mind went blank. I couldn't think of a single thing to
say to him. We stood there quietly. Me trying to say something. And Sean
looking at the ground. His stomach growled. The memory of a day long ago
made me smile.

   "¿Tu hambre?" I asked.

     He shook his head no, but a second grumble belied him. I pulled him
toward the house. He resisted at first but then allowed himself to be
pulled into the house. I pushed him into the chair farthest from the
door. I had empanadas that I'd bought the night before but hadn't eaten. I
made us each a plate and sat down between him and the door and indicated he
should eat. I remembered the cokes and poured us each a glass. Coke had
lost its magic for me after Sean and I had fallen out. And I rarely drank
it. Sitting there with Sean again brought back all the good memories and
suddenly the coke tasted wonderful again.

    We finished eating. He sat there looking at the table and I knew I was
losing him again.

     "Sean" I whispered "why can't you let this go."

    He shrugged and continued to look at the table.

     "Sean, you know I forgot about what happened a long time ago. And I
hope you know how sorry I am for the words I said. I really hate how things
are. Please forgive yourself." The last part came out as a desperate plea.

     "I can't" he choked out. "I won't ever forget what I destroyed that
day."

     My heart was breaking. I couldn't let him go. Not like this. Not
again. I searched desperately for something I could say or do to fix this.

     "I don't have to go back to work or school today. Can you stay for
awhile?"

     "I don't^Å.. I don't think I can." Was his whispered reply.

     "Sean" desperation now evident in my voice "I can't make you forgive
yourself. But I can tell you how much I need you. So if you need to
leave. If you can't forgive yourself. Fine. But if you ever cared about me
please do me one favor. I haven't been the same since that night. The
nightmares came back. I feel like I haven't slept since that night. And I
don't know how long I'm going to be able to continue like this. I don't
remember what it feels like to sleep well. I need to take a nap. I need to
sleep. Would you please hold me one last time so I can sleep. Even for just
for a few hours?"

    He finally looked at me, tears streaming down his face. He held my gaze
for a long minute, and then nodded. The relief overwhelmed me and I
realized just how much I needed the sleep. He followed me back to my
room. I stripped to my shorts but he only took his shoes off. I didn't
care. I climbed into bed and reluctantly so did he. I had to pull his arm
over me but I didn't mind, he was there. Five minutes later I was sound
asleep.

     I awoke with a start. It was dark out. I had slept all afternoon. Sean
must have been tired. He'd taken his clothes off and was sleeping next to
me. His arm was still over me but his body was as far away as he could keep
it. I lay there watching him sleep. He looked peaceful. The troubled
expression was gone. I knew I had missed him but seeing him like that
brought a new realization of just how much. I still didn't know if I was
gay or straight. But I did know I loved Sean. And then it hit me what I
needed to do.

    I reached towards him as slowly as I could. I carefully eased my hand
into his shorts and for the first time held another man in my hand. I wish
I could say there was a jolt of electricity or fireworks going off in my
head but I can't. What I did feel was a sense of belonging. My hand
belonged there.

    Sean's eyes sprang open and his mouth moved like he was trying to say
something. I reached out with a finger on my other hand and shushed him.

    "Now we're even."

     He eyes locked on mine. He was searching for something. At long last
he spoke.

    "I need to go" he whispered.

    Tears sprang to my eyes. I'd gambled everything and lost. I closed my
eyes and tried to hold back the flood.

     I felt him punch me lightly on the shoulder.

     "No you dork. I have to `go.''

     Understanding hit me. It was over.

     "Seba" he said gently "can you let go so I can go pee?"

     I shook my head no. And an impish grin crossed my face. The corners of
his mouth twitched. And I saw a brief spark in his eyes. I crawled over
him, got out of bed and led him to the bathroom. He was going to have to
pee with me holding him. I wasn't about to let go. His stream hitting the
bowl brought the need to go to me. I pulled my shorts down, Reached for his
hand and put it on me. Looking at him I saw a genuine smile. And the sparks
were back in his eyes.

     When we had finished I led him back to the bedroom, never releasing
him. By the next morning I knew he wasn't going anywhere without me ever
again.


Constructive criticism and comments gladly accepted. Please email me at
yaalc@yahoo.com.

Copyright Notice - Copyright 2005 by yaalc.

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