Date: Sun, 8 May 2005 07:55:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ray <yaalc@yahoo.com>
Subject: sebastian 09

Authors note: I've made a huge attempt up till now to avoid changing the
character point of view mid chapter. Unfortunately that will change in this
one. A lot is going to be happening. And the point of view will change
several times. I'll make every effort to make the point of view changes
smooth and I'll try to avoid confusing anyone.


Sebastian: chapter 9


     I slid to the floor. The sobbing switched to a high pitched keening. I
had killed our friendship. I never saw dad come in but I was suddenly in
his arms. I couldn't stop crying. Dad kept asking me what had happened but
I couldn't get any words out.

     "SEAN!'

    His yelling snapped me out of it. I knew he was going to find out what
had happened. I knew he was going to hate me. But still I told him
everything. By the time I'd finished the crying had abated. I hung my head
and begged him not to hate me.

    "So you're gay? That's nothing I didn't know already."

     I looked at him in shock. How did he know?

     "Listen Sean you and I are going to have a long talk later. But right
now your friend is out there running away. He has nowhere to go and he's
still sick. We need to find him before he does something stupid. And god
forbid he goes back to his family."

    Dad was right as always. I was stunned with his revelation. But Seba
needed to come first. Dad went to get dressed and I threw some clothes on.


     I slammed the front door as I burst out running. I couldn't believe
what Sean had done. I felt sick. I ran until I fell over. I hadn't gotten
very far I was still really weak. I laid there with a million thoughts
going through my head. What had I done to deserve this? Why had it happened
now just when things were getting better? Does god hate me that much? And
the big question where do I go now?

    Fuck there was no where else. I was going to have to go back. I
wouldn't survive on my own. I put up with "those people" and their smacking
me around. I would just have to put up with Sean touching me. Shit what if
he wants more? What if he wants to blow me? What if he wants me to touch
him? Okay if he wants to do things to me Ill close my eyes and pretend it's
someone else. He will just have to accept that I won't do anything to
him. My mind made up I got up and walked back to their house.

     I reached out but the door was pulled open before I could touch
it. Sean was there he took one look at me and his face went pale. He hung
his head, turned and walked away. Pedro was there though. He opened his
arms and I rushed into them. He held me close while I cried. I didn't want
to admit it but being out there and not knowing where to go had scared me
to death.

     When I'd cried myself out he sat me up, reached out and tilted my head
so I was looking him in the eyes.

    "Seba what I'm going to tell you now is very important and I need you
to really listen and understand it. Okay?"

      I nodded my understanding but scared of what he was going to say. I
almost held my breath as he started talking.

     "I know you're mad at Sean right now but I need you to know how much
you mean to him. To us. Your friendship means so much to Sean. I haven't
seen him so happy in a long, long time. And I can't repay you for that. I
need you to know that I'm not going to let you leave. This is your house
now. I know its going to be awkward and we will have to make some
adjustments. But you are not leaving. Do you understand me?"

     I nodded my understanding and broke into tears again. He held me for a
long time. I was about cried out. A yawn escaped me and I realized how
tired I was. My fear of facing Sean and sleeping in our room must have been
apparent on my face. He picked me up like I was a child and took me to his
room.

     "You can sleep in here for awhile. We will work out other arrangements
later on."

     I thanked him and fell into a deep sleep.


     When I opened the door and saw Seba standing there I was shocked. Then
the humiliation and shame kicked in. I couldn't look him in the face. I
went to our room and closed the door. I fell asleep crying.

     A long time later I woke up to a knock on the door. Dad poked his head
in and asked me if I was ready to talk. I knew there was no getting out of
it. It was time to face the music. I got up and followed him out to the
living room.

     "Sit down" he said indicating a chair.

     "I'm very disappointed in you." And with those words he devastated me.

     "But I can see how it happened. I'm not going to punish you. I think
you will punish yourself far more than I ever could. What happens between
you and Seba now I'll leave for you two to work out. I told him he was
staying here. No options. He needs a place to live and he needs love. He
will get both here."

      "Now I have some explaining to do, and I need to apologize to you."

      "Apologize to me?" I whispered. "I'm the one that screwed up."

     "The apology is not about that.  Do you remember the sleep over you
went on with Russ?"

     Remember? How could I forget, that was the day my whole life went to
shit. I thought to myself.

    I nodded.

     "Well the day after Russ' mom called us. She told us that Russ was a
bit bothered by the way you had looked at him. And she thought we should
know. You were only 8 and not near ready to talk about anything like
that. We talked to a counselor and he told us to wait, that you would find
a way to let us know when you were ready to talk about it. I didn't expect
it to be like this but since it happened here we go. You need to know that
your mother and I love you very much. We don't care if you're gay or
not. You mean so much to us and we would never let something as trivial as
who you loved change that. Do you understand?"

     I nodded yes.

    "Dad?" I squeaked out.

     "Yes?"

     "I don't want to go to hell."

     Dad was floored. I could see that wasn't something he expected. He sat
there for a few minutes, ran his hand through his hair, and stared at the
floor.

    "How could we have been so stupid? How did we miss that?" he whispered

     "Miss what dad?"

     "The religious aspect of all this. Damn."

     "Son, I believe in God. But I don't really believe in religion. I
haven't found any church that truly follows Christ's example. But at the
same time I feel obligated to show God that I'm willing to take time out of
my life for him. I go to our church because that's the church I grew up
in. It's the one I'm comfortable with. I never thought about how their
teachings would affect you. You must feel like God doesn't love you,
right?"

     I nodded tears starting to spill again.

     Dad moved his chair next to mine and pulled me into his arms and onto
his lap.

     "Sean, God is love. He would never hate you for any reason. He made
you just as you are and he loves you. You aren't going to hell."

    His words left me stunned. He was right. I'd never looked at it that
way. He held me on his lap as I cried tears of relief.

    When I was done crying dad told me we had some work to do. Our house
had three rooms. Mine, his and one we'd made into an office. We moved
everything out of the office and put it in one of the living room
corners. Then we moved Seba's bed, dresser and all the clothes we'd gotten
him, into the other room.


    For the next seven months time played tricks on me. The days were
excruciatingly long but the weeks flew by.  It was really hard to see Sean
every day. I got over what happened in short order. I apologized to him for
what I'd said. But he had changed. He would never look me in the eye. And
the times I did see his eyes ripped my heart out. The spark that had been
there was gone. They were lifeless.

     Pedro was awesome, within a short time he had found an electrician
that would take me on as an apprentice with one condition. I had to go back
to school and finish. It was nice having a job to go to again. It kept me
out of the house.

     Sean and I couldn't seem to reconcile. Every time I entered a room he
would leave. I couldn't stand to see him so devastated and started doing
the same thing. We always ate dinner as a family but that was the only time
we were ever in the same room. While I spent my time working, he spent his
with Ricky and their friends. I would see him occasionally walking down the
street with his friends. He would never see me because I was inside
working. He laughed and joked with his friends but I could see his
eyes. The spark never returned.

     As for me, the first night I slept in my new room the nightmares
returned. They got so bad I was barely sleeping and I knew I was going to
be in trouble at work if things didn't change. I started drinking. I kept
it as hidden as much as possible and I think only Sean realized what I was
doing. He never said anything. The alcohol helped me sleep. It was never a
good sleep. But it was enough to keep me out of trouble at work.

    We all kept busy during the week. But Saturday was reserved for
family. Pedro took us somewhere every Saturday. We visited some Jesuit
ruins. We went to Paraguay and Brazil. My favorite trip was to Iguazu
Fall's. They are one of the seven natural wonders of the world for a good
reason. Although we enjoyed those Saturday's there was always a cloud
hanging over us and they were never as good as they should have been.

    Every couple of months Sean and Pedro would go back to the United
States. Those weeks were the worst for me. I hated being alone and I drank
a lot when they were gone. They were gone for Christmas but they both got
me a gift.

    Before I knew it we were in April, four more weeks and they would be
leaving for good. Pedro was incredible he managed to arrange it so I would
be able to live in the house when they were gone. I learned later that it
was already paid for. They were going to leave me everything. The beds, the
TV, the furniture, the computer, and everything else. I was overwhelmed
with how much Pedro had taken me in. He also promised the judge that he
would make sure I was taken care of until my 21st birthday so that I'd
never have to go back to them. By then I would be out of school and no
longer just an apprentice. And he kept his word. He deposited money in an
account for me every month. It wasn't excessive but I could live on it.

    Finally the dreaded day arrived. They were leaving. I had tried all
week to get Sean to talk to me but it was fruitless. He spent as much time
as possible away from home. I didn't want to get out of bed that morning
but I knew I had to say goodbye. I went with them to the bus station. And
then it was time. I was choked up so bad I couldn't talk. I wanted to give
Sean a hug that would show him how much I cared about him but as soon as
our hands touched the others back he was pulling away. He didn't look at me
as he got on the bus.

    Pedro held me for a long time. He leaned down and whispered.

     "He hasn't forgiven himself yet. Give him some time."

      He got on the bus and they were gone. I couldn't breathe. I watched
the bus until it disappeared, tears streaming down my face. As it turned
the corner to leave my sight the words I'd wanted to say were screaming
through my head.

    Thank you for everything Sean. I owe you my life. I love you more than
you will ever know.



Constructive criticism and comments gladly accepted. Please email me at
yaalc@yahoo.com.

Copyright Notice - Copyright 2005 by yaalc.

This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights.
This work may not be duplicated in any form, physical, electronic, audio,
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