Date: Tue, 18 Dec 2001 16:29:55 -0800
From: zowell <zowell@mindspring.com>
Subject: Seventh Wave part 3

     As my dad's old truck rumbled
its way up the coast road, I wanted to watch for the few glimpses of the
ocean,  but that would have had my head pointed in his direction.
All I wanted to do was stare out of my window and try not to think. Try
not to let the over analyzing brain of mine to get it to work at full speed
as it often did. But how could I not think about it? The most beautiful
moment of my life and worst,  all rolled into one. I kept my eyes
watching the ground outside the truck fly bye, my dad not saying a word.
At least, one thing was good. The tension in that truck would have been
worse if it had not been for all the rattling, clanking and rumbling that
old tuck was doing, it was almost like it was singing a song called "thank
god I did not have to listen to my dad talk". Okay, that thought kind of
made want to chuckle and, for a second, I didn't feel so rotten. Then,
another image would flash into my mind, followed by the same type of feelings
I felt in the cove. How soft and warm he was, with the cool night, water.
He and I. Our touch our kiss. Chills ran all through my body,  my
guy parts jumping in response. I quickly started doing some math in my
head, to avoid the inevitable embarrassing boner that was struggling to
make room in my pants.
     Suddenly, my dad turned the car down the dirt
road that led deeper into the redwoods and closer to our destination,
Dad's favorite camping area. Usually, at that time of the year, there is
hardly anyone camping there. Not many people even knew of the place. There
were no hook ups for RV',s, not that one would even fit down the small
dirt road, but you know how them RV people can be. They take those forty
foot RV's and attempt to park them in some small places,  having them
stick out in everyone's way then turn on their ac, their satellite dish,
and tv  spoiling everyone's time. Why did they even leave home? Okay,
now I sound like my dad. One time,. my dad just went over and cut the power
cord, saying, " I did not drive all the way out here to listen to that
shit!"  My dad, you just got to wonder about that dude.
     My dad had a gentle smile on his face when
we first arrived. It would,  for a moment, seem that maybe he was
human. Maybe we could actually have a good time. But, once the tent would
keep him guessing, once again, as how to put it together, his happy grin
would melt away and he would start bitching about anything and everything.
Man, this sucked! Why did I let him drag me here! I hate this! I hate him!
I knew, I had no choice, unless I wanted to get my ass kicked. I had felt
his wrath many times and the fear of it never left me. Never, Not even
for one second. Okay, that night... that one night that everything melted
away, all the fear left me.  That possibly was the only time I ever
felt that way. Bam! As usual,  when I was off in a thought,
my dad would throw something at me. This time, the tent. It wasn't
a large tent but I think it weighed more then me. losing my balance, almost
falling over, I quickly snapped back into the reality I was doomed to.
Two days of this, I remembered though, that I did love it when I got away
from my dad and went off for a walk threw the redwoods. That was the only
thing that was keeping me going, at that point. I tried to help get the
tent set up, as fast as I could, so I could start that walk. Then it started.
The happiness that I had seen on my dad's face was gone, as he yelled at
me.
      "You stupid fuck, can't you do anything
right? Just let me do it! Go get the rest of the stuff out of the truck!
Let me do this!" He yelled.
      Whoohoo, good! I liked my new job better
and wasted no time finishing it. Then, I just walked off. I new this would
piss my dad off. But, I also new that if I did not make my getaway now
he would be shoving a fishing pool in my hand and the torture of having
to sit with him at the river would begin.
     The musty sweet smell of the forest floor
as my body slammed into the ground. Here was the moment! It could not be
held back another second. Even though, my mind raced for one last piece
of evidence that it was not true. I knew,  I just new it. I always
have. Girls would always end up my best friends and guys would always make
me feel nervous and my heart would speed up and feelings would arise that
I had was very good at stuffing back down into that deep secret place.
But no longer could that place hold on and I said it. In my head, at first.
Maybe, a few times in my head, it is hard to say. Then, I heard the words
as they finally flew out of my mouth
    "I am gay. Damn it, I am fucking gay." Tears were
falling from my eyes to the forest floor. With all them feelings and all
those tears I had to be seeing things. Those were not shoes standing there
in front of me, where they? They were. Well, they had not better be my
dads shoes. I had finally given into some aspect of my self, and was at
a point now ready to think about what I should do about it, and now here
I am.  Slowly, I lifted my head from shoes up, to see who was standing
there. I knew, before I got to his face, who it was, but hope was holding
out to the last second.
     Not a word was spoken. Had he heard me? The
look on his face was not like any I had ever seen. Fear hit me, I was searching
for something familiar in that look. I would have been somewhat okay, had
I seen the pissed look I was so used to seeing or that look he gave me
when I screwed something up like not making the team for football. The
disappointed look, I knew that one. But, this look I had never seen, this
look frightened me more than I could ever imagine.
    I felt like I had just lost every thing. Like the
gods hated me for sure, the gods must have been sitting back with a huge
bag of popcorn just enjoying the show, reveling in there creation of complete
shit. They had to be proud of how much of a mess they could create,
how miserable they could make one person. They had to hate me. I had plenty
of proof.
     My dad and I just looked at eachother, the
stare was long and painful. I waited for that "oh so familiar" ass kicking.
My dad leaned down on one knee and reached for me. I was ready to flinch,
as if a flinch would make it heart less when the bashing started. Then,
he put his arm around me and pulled me close and hugged me. Who was this
man? Had I hit my head on the ground or a branch and was doing some kind
of Dorothy in the OZ dream? Some man was hugging me and saying  "it
is ok son". I thought I heard someone say "son", who was he talking to?
     "Breathe son, you need to breathe. It is going
to be okay." I must have been bleeding from a scratch on my head and some
blood had reached my eye, only adding to the confusion. "It's going to
be okay. everything is going to be okay, take slow breaths, son. You must
breathe! it is all going to be all right."
     Black! It is funny how just sudden black,
not seeing a thing, buzzing in my ears, was a welcomed experience. I faintly
remembered feeling as though I was laying in someone's arms and being carried
somewhere. Then, I remember waking up, laying in our tent. It took a few
minutes for me to even remember where I was. Wow, now I remember! I had
an emotional overload, spoke the evil word "gay", forgot to breath, some
strange man was hugging me and me and my dad had gone camping,. There he
was, right now, coming into the tent holding a damp cloth and saying "welcome
back son, let me put this on your head. You got a nasty cut there just
above your eyebrow. Now, son, I know what I heard you say and I want you
to stay calm this time. Things will be okay, you just stay relaxed ok?"
That was my dad talking to me? It was! What a trip! I have no plans of
tapping my heels together and saying "I want to go home, I want to go home"
over and over . This place I had magically traveled off to, I liked. Okay,
I know this is real. But how could it be? My dad being nice to me, even
loving? He said I blacked out, and he had carried me back to camp. He told
me to pack things up so that he could take me home.
      "How are you feeling, son?"
     How was I Feeling! I don't ever recall anyone
asking me that question before. "I am okay, Dad," I said. "We don't have
to go home,  my head hurts and I think a ride in the truck would be
worse" I answered.
      "Are you hungry? I should start our
dinner. Oh, yeah, I have to go back out in the woods and get our fishing
gear, I left it behind."
     I almost started laughing, it was just a nervous
reaction, sort of like my body didn't know what emotion to pick from the
experience. Alright, so I was a dork. I took everything too far, I let
my emotions get the best of me. Maybe, being gay was not all that bad.
Okay, so I was out of the closet to my self for a few seconds... then, I
outed my self to my dad by mistake... forgot to breath... passed out... and so
far, in this short time, it was not so bad at all. Just weird feeling.
And my dad that is just something I just don't understand . Geez, if I
had known that all I had to do was crash through the forest  , cut
myself to bits, screamed that I was gay,  and pass out, I would have
done that long ago. Even if I wasn't gay, I would have lied just for that
one hug from him. Just hearing him say "it will be ok son", just once,
I would have done it. For just one second of having my dad show love for
me, I would have done it a long time ago.
      Just then, my dad returned. I knew he
was going to ask me about what happened. What made me go wacko. I was not
sure what to say but I felt at ease. There was something in that hug. I
guess, love, real dad loves son love, like better then brady bunch dad
love. I wasn't afraid, WOW! Me,  not afraid? This is twice. Now .
My dad came into the tent, bringing me breakfast for dinner. I think the
only thing my dad knew how to cook was fish and bacon and gravy. We had
not fished so the meal was the standard. Usually, my dad would be feeding
me that and saying  "had you listened, we would be eating fish, right
now. You need to work on your cast, you just fish the same spot." I would
just think, "Hey, I don't see that you had much more luck, man ." That
just grated on me. But, this time, he said "Here, son,   hope
it came out all right for ya. I tried to make bacon crispy like you like
it but the fire just would not cooperate.", I was amazed at the transformation
I was seeing in my dad. The only thing that seemed the same was him being
unpredictable and yet predictable, at the same time.
     "Ok so, only if you  want to son, only
if you feel ok, you should tell me what is going on." He added.
      I quickly answered, "What is there to
say? All I can say is that I have tried every thing I could to make it
not true but... dad... I am gay. I just am, and I just cant keep pretending
anymore. It is killing me to do that dad."
      Wow, I really felt it, when I said "dad",
like I actually loved him or something. Weird ,  I also felt the freedom
of being me, no pretending, just me, take it or leave it. It felt good,
it felt soooo good.
     "Well, son, I have to tell you about what
happened to my friend when I was your age. My friend Jake and I were best
friends. We were inseperable. I knew him from such a young age, I don't
even remember him not being my buddy. But he killed him self,  a long
time ago. I was about 17 when that happened. I loved him so much, he was
my best buddy. I didn't know he was gay. I don't think I even knew what
that was. Even though I didn't understand it at the time,  I
understood that I missed him so much, and I could not understand how anything
could be so bad that he had to choose such a permanent way to deal with
it . When I found you in the woods and you said you were gay, all I could
do was think of how much I loved you and how I could not take it if I lost
you like I lost Jake."
     I listened. I watched and I could almost see
a tear forming, but I think he had dad power or something and that tear
didn't make it far. I realized that maybe he had just forgotten how to
feel, maybe, there were so many hard knocks in his life that he only felt
safe with anger, and maybe even his anger was somehow his safe way of loving
someone. Good or bad, at least I was beginning to understand him. That
was new. As I listened, he told of how he and his buddy's favorite thing
to do was to camp and fish, and how just skipping rocks across a lake or
river on a long summer day was just the best time they had.
     "So, you think you are gay? Besides that,
what has happened that has gotten you so upset?" He asked, then went on,
"You can tell me son, I will not get mad, I will try to understand."
     There was no way I could tell him about that
night on the beach. No way, even if he he did understand, it would be way
to creepy to tell my dad that I was in love with a boy named Jason. But
he just was trying so hard to be a good dad I had to say something. So,
I just told him that I had fallen in love. Then, I laid down and closed
my eyes and waited for sleep.
      He said love is something that can be
rare, so if I have found love I had better make sure I don't let it slip
away. With those words, I felt a warm feeling come over me and drifted
off to sleep.
     We arrived home, late the next day. The whole
trip home we just chattered away, hardly letting a minute pass without
one of us talking or laughing at some great story we had just shared with
eachother. When we walked in the door, I think my mom didn't even know
who we were, with all the smiling we were doing.
      I went to my room to call Jude. I had
not gotten a  chance to talk with her and I knew that she was going
to want to know the w hole scoop,  what I wanted is to know if she
new how I was going to find him again. I knew, Jude would know what to
do. All right, I am wimping out here, again. It is just that all I knew
about him is that he was visiting his cousin for the summer and that it
was his first time on that beach. I was thinking that I  should just
go to the beach each weekend until he came back. Just then, Jude answered
the phone. What a shock! It was 7:14pm and she was home!
     I said, surprisingly, "You are home! Are you
ok?"
     "I am fine but was worried about you and new
you would call sooner or later, " she answered.

If you would like to comment on my story you can eather email me at
zowell@mindspring.com or go to http://communities.msn.com/californiagayguys
and post your thoughts on my the message board