Date: Tue, 22 May 2001 00:50:59 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ice Cold <eternal_coldness@yahoo.com>
Subject: shattered soul-1

Yes, it's me Eternal Coldness. Well, this is my third story and I hope that
get I get a lot of feedback from it. Good or bad. Well, I just want to
thank you for having the time to stop by and read this. So the usual
disclaimer: if you're not allowed to read this type of stories or if you're
underage, then what the heaven are you doing here?!

P.S. Can anyone recommend good stories to me?


Shattered Soul

"May I be of any help to you, sir?", the flight stewardess asked.

I struggled to keep my voice and emotions under control.

"No, thank you". That was harder than I thought. But at least saying three
words before I broke down and started crying was certainly an improvement.

Why was I on this flight to New York? Why can't I just go back to Adrian
and forgive him?  It's because it hurts so much just to think about him.
And I experience total, shocking pain everytime I see him. I noticed a few
tears broke through my eyes and started trickling down my cheeks.

"Oh honey, everything will be alright. You have to move on." I looked up
and saw the smiling face of my mother. I know that through everything I
will have to experience, Mom will always be there for me. But she couldn't
do much for what I'm feeling right now. The best she could do was call and
book us a flight saying that we were going to New York.

I held her hand and cried softly.

"Calvin, we've been through this and there's nothing you can do to change
it," she said.

I knew Mom would break down too because she sees that I'm in pain and
there's nothing she can do much to help ease it. I had to be strong. I kept
a firm dam on my tears and held them back. I would cry by myself tonight.
So that no one can see me.

I succeeded and the tears stopped. I looked at mom and smiled a ghost of a
smile.

"That's better. It's been a while since I saw that famous smile of yours."

So right now I know you're thinking: what the hell happened to him? And why
is he so pained?  Well to make a story short. I'm gay and I told my mom (my
dad is dead) when I was thirteen and she took it pretty well and I got
myself a boyfriend. His name is Adrian. At that time, I thought that he was
the best thing that ever happened to me. For three months, we were
inseparable.  But the next month, I noticed that he was starting to get
aloof with me and I was getting worried.  So I planned a surprise visit
full of cheesy things for him on "March 19, 2001". When I got to his house,
I looked for him silently and I went into his room. I flicked the lights on
and saw something that broke my heart in two. I saw Adrian with Cody,
together in bed, naked and interlocked in each other's arms. I dropped the
roses and ribbons I was carrying. And the sound woke Adrian up just in time
to see me running away from the room. I got outside and it started to
rain. I didn't care. I just ran and ran through the rain until I couldn't
run anymore.  I stopped at somewhere and blacked out. I woke up in a
hospital with tubes coming out of me. The doctor said I was suffering from
hypothermia or something. I was shivering and they give me some heat or
whatever.

For the following days, I avoided Adrian. When he called, I hung up. When
he emailed, I deleted his mail and never replied. Once he called and I
decided to listen.

"Calvin, please don't hang up."

"OK, what do you need?"

"Please let me explain."

"What's to explain, you cheated on me! I saw it with my own two eyes!
Adrian we're through!"

Then I hung up.

I was so fazed the following days that my mom started to worry and finally
asked what happened.

"Calvin, what's wrong?"

I couldn't hold it in anymore. I blurted everything out. Everything. Along
with tears and sobs.  She was very sympathetic and said that if there is
anything she can do to help. And I said that I never want to see him again
and that's why we are on this plane on the way to New York. I know that
running away from the problem solves nothing but in this case it solved
everything. I was going to New York and away from Canada. Away from all the
pain and I'm heading to New York. To New York, where a fresh and brand new
start awaits me.

-----------------

The plane finally touched the ground and I was getting ready to go down. I
looked around and I can tell you one thing. Airports are hellholes. You
wait for your bag at cobnveyor belts which seemed would never win a race
against a snail. And I don't know if it is just coincidence but there are
bags that look like each other. So when you think it's your bag, someone
reaches up and gets it. Anyway, I got my bag and went out of there dragging
mom with me. I wanted to eat something because what they give at the plane
looks like something that was scraped off from the bottom of the monkey
cage at the zoo.

I went inside a restaurant. I ordered some food and began eating.  "So,
Calvin. What do you intend to do now?", mom asked.

I chewed on my food and I began to answer.

"I'll go to school in here and I'll have a fresh start. Maybe I will have a
better life here or better yet I might meet someone who would end up as my
soulmate."

I smiled at mom. Lately, I've been learning to let go.

"Calvin, that smile of yours is very unique. It lights up everything around
you."

"Thanks mom"

"It's been a while since I saw that smile and as always it astounds me."

No more questions asked. I ate the rest of my food.

------------------

We were driving for half an hour and soon we arrived at the house mom
bought. What can I say?  The house was beautiful. It had a small sort of
fence which was painted white. And the house was painted blue giving the
whole house a warm atmosphere. And did I say that the house was huge.  I
mean it was like three lots long not including the backyard. I wasn't
surprised because mom was a computer engineer and they make a shitload of
money. My only worry was that it might be a little lonely sometimes.

"Calvin, I'm gonna go to the grocery and pick up some basic items we
need. Feel free to explore the house."

I nodded and went inside. I saw what could pass as a teenagers dreamhouse.
There was a sound system but it isn't the typical sound system like a
karaoke or components. There was the main console and two speakers attached
but beside each speaker were two big, no, HUGE speakers that looked like it
could blow you away if the volume was turned up. And just beside the sound
system was a complete home theater system. In front of the "elephant size"
TV was a couch that looked like something the queen of England uses. It
isn't fancy shmancy stuff stuff nut it was very comfortable and soft. I
wonder if someday I would have another teen boy to cuddle with me in that
couch. I went into the kitchen and saw the fancy gizmos and gadgets which I
don't know. I went into the recreation room and looked at it. I swear my
jaw dropped to the floor. The room wasn't only huge but it had every kind
of game I know. There was a billiards table, a table with black and white
squares which I recognized as chess, another table which had playing cards
on it. I looked at the floor and it was spots of different colors painted
on it. I instantly recognized it as Twister. I love Twister mainly because
it was how I met Adrian. We were playing when my hand suddenly gave and I
landed on top of Adrian and the rest is history. Adrian. I started tearing
up again when I suddenly heard the front door close. Mom was back. I dried
my eyes and went up. I helped mom in unloading the groceries.

"Calvin, please forget him. He doesn't deserve you," mom said suddenly.

"What?"

"You cried again. I can see it in your eyes."

Damn. Why does my eyes have to show a lot of things? Mom said that she
could read what I was feeling just by looking at my eyes and as usual she
was right. But only mom could do it. No one else not even Adrian.

"So what reminded him of you this time?" mom said.

"The Twister downstairs."

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I put it there because I know how much you love to
play Twister. I'll have it removed tomorrow."

"No mom, it's okay. I still love to play Twister. But its too painful."

"Oh honey, like I said you have to get over him"

"Yes I know. Could you show me my room? I want to take a nap."

"Upstairs, to the right second door."

I went upstairs and went inside. Okay, is everything in this house, HUGE! I
could have done four cartwheels from one wall and I wouldn't touch the
other wall. My bed looked like it could hold ten people. But there was one
thing that caught my eye. It was the balcony. I went outside and looked.
The view wasn't perfect but I could see a small creek just over the bend of
trees and it was enough for me. I wanted to take a nap so I went back in
and lay down on the bed. I shut my eyes and waited for sleep. But sleep
wouldn't come. You know it's a bitch when you're very tired and want to go
to sleep and when you lie down you can't sleep.

I got up and rummaged through my backpack and found my CD collection. I
took the best one and played it on the CD player (Yes, I have a cd player
in my room). The first song played.


Don't speak, seal your lips
Please don't say a word
Maybe I won't remember the words I have not heard
I see that you're in love, I know it's not with me
But I don't want the truth to haunt my memory

It's never too late to relight the fire
It never stopped burning for me
The flame it never died inside of me

How is it now that I can tell you I love you
How is it now that it's too late
What can I do, the love that we had is torn in two
So you take the smiles from all of our years
And I'll take the years


I was crying again. That song always passed off as nothing to me but when
Adrian and I broke up.  The song hit me on the spot. It hurt me more than
ever to know that, from now on, I would wake without someone to look
forward to. I was soaking the pillows with my tears. I closed my eyes and
fell asleep with tears in my eyes.

---------------

I woke up with red and puffy eyes. I looked outside. It was late. I have to
start all over again.  Maybe I'll be lucky and have a few friends in my new
school. Better yet, I'll have a new boyfriend.  A boyfriend who knows how
to treat me right. A person who will be able to tell me it will be okay.  I
know my mom loves me that much but sometimes she gets so busy with work
that she forgets to give me attention. I only want to fell that I'm loved
and I need someone to wrap his arms around me to give me warmth and
comfort. Someone. I need someone.

I went downstairs on the intention of eating but lost my appetite halfway
downstairs. I started backing up and went into my room. I wanted to just
lay down there and wait for tomorrow. I want to have a good and fresh start
tomorrow in my new school. I lay down and shut my eyes.

After a few minutes, I opened my eyes. I couldn't sleep. I was too
restless. I needed to do something that would tire me out. I went
downstairs and grabbed my skateboard. I needed to do some serious skating.

------------

I went out and spent some time looking for what could pass as an arcade. I
kept on looking but I still couldn't find anything. Finally, I decided to
ask someone. I approached someone.

"Excuse me, could you tell me where the nearest arcade is?"

He turned around and looked at me. OKAY. Damn, he was beautiful. He had
brown hair and lips that were as red as rose. I couldn't see his eyes
because they were hidden behind shades. Then he looked at me. I looked up
and smiled.

"Hello. Hellooooo...", I asked.

He looked up and looked sheepish.

"Oh sorry. What were you asking?"

"I said if you could show me the nearest arcade?"

"Down the street and second store."

"Thanks" Then I skated away. I knew that look. He was interested. He looks
good but I don't know if I should even consider him. I certainly don't want
to experience that emotional hurt again.  I don't know if I could take it
again. But I still want to find someone who will put his arms around me and
tell me that he loves me. I don't know if I should open up or close
foerever. Only time will tell.

I reached the arcade and I looked around. It was noisy as expected of every
arcade. I went into the nearest one and dropped a quarter inside. The
arcade started up and I warmed up. After minutes, I was totally kicking
computer butt. I finished the last stage when someone tapped me on the
shoulder. I spun around and saw the boy I asked earlier.

"Can I join you?"

"Sure" And I moved to make room for him.

We slipped in quarters and started to play. Within minutes, I totally
destroyed him. He got up and accepted defeat.

"You play really good."

"Thanks. You play well too." I got up and headed for the door.

"Hey wait up. Would you like to hang with me? Get a drink or something?"

I was about to say yes when he suddenly removed his shades and stared at me
with a pair of green eyes.

"Sorry but I really need to go home. Thanks for the offer anyway." And I
started to jog away. I didn't want to see those eyes. Those eyes. They were
the ones that bought me so much pain. They were the eyes of Adrian. Same
color. Same shape. I felt the tears start and I increased my pace.  By the
time I reached the house, I was a sobbing mess. Mom heard it and poked her
head into the hallway. She saw me and walked towards me.

"Calvin, what's wrong?"

Right now, I was thinking that mothers are the best thing that the almighty
Lord ever put in this world. I pity he who doesn't have a mother. And they
give good advice.

"Mom, I met a boy and I could tell that he was interested in me."

"Oh Calvin! Wonderful! That's good news! Right?"

"No it's not!" I started crying again.

"Calvin, what's wrong?"

"The...the boy re...reminds me so much of Adrian"

"Oh Calvin, not Adrian again. I thought you already moved on"

"Mom, I'm sorry but I can't" I was still crying, harder than ever.

Mom held me for another couple of minutes until I calmed down. I went up in
my room lay down on my bed. Maybe, he doesn't look like Adrian. Maybe it's
just me whose wrong? I still can't stop longing for Adrian. I started to
fall asleep when the doorbell suddenly rang. Mom answered it.

"Calvin, someone's here to see you"

Thinking of who it might be since I haven't made any friends yet, I went to
open the door and the door opened before I even touched the door knob and
there stood the boy I met earlier in all his glory and perfection. Did I
just say glory and perfection to describe him? Then I saw his eyes, so much
like Adrian's. Eyes that I couldn't bear to look at anymore for fear of old
wounds that haven't quite healed to hurt again.

"Aheem" I looked up, breaking away from my chain of thought

"Yes, what do you want?"

"Hey, I came here all the way from the arcade and you just tell me, What do
you want?."

"Oh sorry, what do you need?"

"Well, remember when we where talking earlier?" I nodded. "Well, you look
like you just saw a ghost. Is everything alright?"

Maybe I could learn to love him. He was so caring. And he still is
beautiful.

"Yeah everything is cool"

"Cool! Hey you still want to hang out? I can show you new places"

This time I saw that the offer was good and hell, why not?

"Okay, lets go"

"By the way my name is Leon, Leon Arnhart. What's yours?"

"Calvin, Calvin Mist."

"Ok Calvin, let's go"

We went into the mall first. There were a lot of interesting stores. I
finally couldn't resist the temptation and went into a candy store. I chose
a sunflower-shaped, lemon-flavored lollipop.  Just as I was about to pay
for the lollipop, Leon appeared before my side and held out a dollar bill.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm paying"

"And may I ask why?"

"Because. Anyway, you can't do anything because its already rung up"

I looked at the cash register and saw it was true. Great, now I have to
convince him to take the dollar that I owe him.

We went to the music store next. We were walking when I took Leon's hand
and stopped.

"Calvin, what's wrong?"

"Sshhh, quiet. Listen"

He perked his ears up and caught the last parts of N'sync's "This I Promise
You". God, I loved that song. Then I felt his hand tugging me.

"Can we go now?"

We continued going around until I finally hit the movies. I wanted to watch
something. Horror or action. I've experienced too much drama and romance. I
deserve a break. Ninety minutes later, we came out of a very gruesome
horror movie. Horror was etched on Leon's face while I was laughing my head
off like a maniac. Leon was pale as a ghost while I was beet red with
laughter. I guess it takes a lot to scare me and poor Leon just couldn't
take it.

"Hey, Leon. How are you holding up?"

"That movie scared the wits out of me"

"And I thought you were this macho jock. When all I had to do was show you
a movie to scare you.  Tsk...tsk..tsk, how degrading"

"I'll show you degrading" Then he took the plastic bags in my hand and ran
off.

"Let's see how fast you run without your skateboard.", he shouted back.

I grinned inwardly. What he didn't know is that I'm a runner on the 100-m
dash in my old school.  I took off and in about thirty seconds, I caught up
and took my bags along with his bags and ran away. He couldn't catch
up. But there was one thing. I didn't know this mall. And I was sure that
sooner or later Leon would use his advatage to catch me.

"Hello"

"Aaahhhh!!!"

I was expecting Leon but not this soon. I dropped the bags and he took his
and returned mine.

"OK, enough horsing around. I want to go home", I said.

"Sure okay"

-------------

I arrived at my house and he waited at the front door.

"Thanks Leon, I had a great time"

"Sure no problem." Then he smiled and went away.

Oh great, that smile again. I was doing my best to keep myself from kissing
him. Then I suddenly remembered that I was standing at my front door. I
went inside and for the first time ever, I didn't remember the reason why
we moved here. Wow, Leon was having that effect on me. I went upstairs and
searched for my journal. I found it and began to write.

Dear Journ...

I stopped and tore off the page. I wasn't able to write in this journal
ever sice Adrian and I broke up. I started this journal ever since we and
Adrian got hooked up. Then I had an idea. I hesitated then tore off the
first part of the journal, the ones where there was an Adrian part. I went
into the backyard and burned them. New life means new everything. I went
into the bathroom and searched for the thingie that reverses hair dye. I
found it and applied it to my hair. After a few minutes, my natural blond
was flowing again. I dried off with a towel and I looked at the
mirror. After a few minutes, I removed my grey contacts and replaced them
with clear ones. My blue eyes are now sparkling. I looked into the mirror
and gasped at the result. It was so different from the old me. I can't
believe I did all those things for Adrian. Oh well, Adrian go down the
drain. New life means new everything. From the brown-haired, grey eyed
sorrowing gay teenager to the blond-haired, blue-eyed happy gay
teenager. Bye Adrian, I don't want anything to do with you. I just burned
my last reminder of you. I returned to my journal. It was thinner than
before. Oh well, if I run out of pages, I'll buy another one. I began to
write.

Dear Journey,
	It's been a long time since I wrote another journal entry. Well I
want to write about this day. I just moved to New York and now I'm
forgetting all about that bastard Adrian. I don't need him anymore. I'll
find a new boyfriend here in NY. Maybe better, I'll find a better boyfriend
who won't cheat on me. I just met this boy, Leon. We met when I asked him
where the arcade was. I was playing alone when he suddenly asked me to
fight with him. We fought but he lost. He seems interested in me. He asked
me to hang out but then he took of his shades and they were the same as
Adrian's and I just ran away. When I arrived back here, I told mom while I
was crying. Then the doorbell rings and he's there. He seems nice and
sweet. He came all the way from the arcade to see if I was okay. See, he's
sweet. Then he asked me to hang out again and this time I accepted. We had
a great time. He was so funny. Then we stopped at the music store and This
I Promise You was playing and I stopped. Wait there it is again. Wait a
minute Journey, it's playing at my radio.  Wow, that song is really
good. God, I'll love the man who sings it to me. I think Leon's interested
in me. I guess my gaydar's just hyper. Well, that's all. Bye.

						Calvin


I closed my journal, feeling satisfied with myself. I looked at the
watch. It's getting late.  Maybe I should sleep. I closed the lights and
snuggled up to my pillow. I wish I had more than a pillow to snuggle up
to. But this will have to do. I closed my eyes ad sleep came.

---------------------

Well that's all. Did you like it? Please email me because I loved writing
this one. Anyway, the song is "I'll Take The Tears" by A1 on their album
"The A List". It's a really good song. Well that's all.

Keep smiling,
	EC