Date: Sat, 3 Jan 2009 02:56:27 -0800 (PST)
From: jcarpio2010@yahoo.com
Subject: Smile Now, Cry Later Ch. 1

I retain all rights to this story, especially that of copyright. This work
of fiction is not to be distributed by any person or copied elsewhere
(ex. another website unless I do so myself). I hope you enjoy this work and
it is completely fictional, no character is meant to portray someone one in
real life and is created from my imagination.


Smile Now, Cry Later
Ch. 1


        It played over and over again in my head, why wouldn't it just go
away. The green light changing to red, the car speeding on without a sign
of slowing down and then everything turns to black from there, I don't want
to remember but for some reason I can't seem forget. My mind is in a haze
and I'm tossing and turning in my bed, beads of sweat slowly rolling down
my face. It's not like I don't already blame myself for what happened but
my dreams are a constant reminder that will not let go and keeps dragging
me to the one place that I really don't want to revisit.

        "Get your ass up!" My mom said as she banged loudly on my door
which was loud enough that I was sure the neighbors could hear. "You're
going to be late for school!" I heard footsteps receding from the door.

        I moaned as I sat up on my bed. The sheets were strewn everywhere
from my tossing and turning, some even managed to get on the floor. I
looked at the clock beside my bed and it read 7:45. Great, I only had 15
minutes to get ready and go to school. Did I mention that school was 10
minutes away? I really had to rush. I got up and gathered the clothes I was
going to change into and quickly dressed. I went into the kitchen where my
mom was at the table with my father eating breakfast, of course there was
none made for me, my mom only made breakfast for my dad, she didn't care if
I ate in the morning. They didn't say anything to me, not a "Hey son good
morning," or "Have a good day at school son," not that I cared but it would
be nice to know that they did. I got my things and headed for the door.

        "Bye, see you when I get out." There was no response.

        Being the only child I had no one to talk to. I was all alone, a
prisoner in my own home. It is really depressing to lie in your room and
just think, about your life and where it may go, the things going on now,
and all the things you fear the most. I have way too much thinking time on
my hands. I'm glad that I do have someone to talk to though, or I swear I
would commit suicide or something. My best friend, Andrew, I met him when I
first moved to this town back in the 6th grade. He was the first person I
met, I was a shy kid though and didn't really talk much then, but he got me
to. I'll more then likely keep to myself unless someone else talks to me
first. I used to look down when I walked about but when I met Andrew he
showed me that I didn't need to. He was a good looking boy, ash brown hair
with hazel eyes. Every year I noticed his body changing more and more,
muscles developing where they had not been before, sometimes I couldn't
help but to stare at him. He was in football but that wasn't the only sport
he played, soccer being another, he was exceptionally good at both. I came
out to him in the 9th grade, I would have done it sooner but I feared that
he wouldn't talk to me anymore or worse beat me up for being a fag. I
remember that day being one of the hardest times in my life. The fear that
engulfed me, the unease that I felt, I didn't know what would happen I
could only hope for the best. I had to tell him because I hated hiding what
was possibly the biggest part of my life to him. But fortunately he
accepted me and said he had known and I asked him later how he had known,
he told me that he had caught me staring at other guys; I was so
embarrassed that I had been caught. He hugged me and told me that if I ever
needed someone to talk to about anything that was bothering me to come
directly to him, what a great friend he is, I'm really fortunate that I met
him, but he wouldn't be more than that to me, just a friend, I guess that's
all I could ask for.

        If you didn't notice, my parents never really care; they buy me
what I need to get by but other than that I can just forget it. I'm lucky
if I get something on my own birthday. My parents aren't the happiest of
couples either, they fight constantly and I have to hear it, sometimes I
wish I could drown it all out. But it's never gotten physical, that I am
glad for. It wouldn't surprise me if my mother was sleeping around with
another guy though, she finds any reason she can to bitch at my dad like
she feels guilty for something. My mom, even though she isn't the most
nurturing woman in the world, has shown the most interest in my life, she
doesn't ask what I do but she does worry where I'm at and the kind of
people I hang out with, go figure.

        I walk toward the direction of the school as I see fellow
classmates drive by in their cars. I didn't mind walking to school, it kept
me in shape. To describe myself, I have golden blonde hair that nearly
covers my eyes; I inherited this from my mom. My eyes where a deep blue, I
consider my eyes my best feature, for some reason I like them above all
else. I didn't have a muscular build but I was pretty athletic, I would
walk or jog around the block just to get away from everything sometimes,
occasionally I would do some sit ups or push ups in my room, nothing more
than that. The trip from my house to the school wasn't a long one, before I
knew it I was already there. I headed towards my first period which was
English, the class that I hated the most, the teacher was alright but it
was such a boring subject. I sat down at my desk which was at the back of
the class, I was usually the first person there but today a girl was there
talking to the teacher. I didn't recognize who she was, must be a new
student I figured. When she was done talking to the teacher she sat at the
desk that she had been assigned to and after settling in turned and faced
me.

        She smiled. "Hi my name is Lauren." She made a small wave motion
with her hand. She was very pretty and outgoing I had guessed by her
forwardness. She had dirty blonde hair that came past her shoulders. She
had blue piercing eyes like mine and had a nice hourglass figure that any
girl would be envious of; she was drill team or cheerleader material at the
least.

        I smiled back not wanting to be rude and replied. "My name is
Jared. I figure your new here right?"

        "Yea today is my first day, I used to go to a private school but my
parents figured it was time for me to go to a public school again." She
looked around the classroom. "So, what's this class like?" Her eyes were
once again one me.

        "It's alright, she gives a lot of homework though and most of it is
grammar." I hated grammar the most; I did worse in that than anything else.

        She didn't talk to me after that, students started to pile in and
the tardy bell soon rang. She seemed like a really cool person. I wish that
we could be friends, but I knew that soon she would be in the popular group
of girls and wouldn't have the time of day to talk or that she would even
consider talking to me again. I wasn't really the most popular kid in
school; the people I did hang around with were usually outcasts like me or
people that were overlooked. Class ended as soon as it had started and
before I walked out the door Lauren came up to me to my surprise.

        "Can you show me where this class is?" she asked handing me her
schedule and pointing to the class she was asking about. "I really have no
clue and I don't want to get lost or appear as a stupid freshman on their
first day of high school, which would be embarrassing." I quickly glanced
at her schedule and noticed that we had the same class next. I wondered why
she didn't ask someone else though, she had picked me.

        "Yea sure, we have the same class actually so just stick with me."
She smiled when I said that but I didn't pay attention thinking nothing of
it.

        "Thanks I really don't know what I would do without you." She
smiled at me genuinely showing off her perfect white teeth; she really had
an amazing smile. If I wasn't gay I was sure I would have hit on her or
something she is what any guy would call "a fine piece of ass".

        We made our way through the traffic of the many students who were
heading to their next class or going to meet up with friends. Not wanting
to make a bad impression by not talking I thought I might as well get to
know a little bit more about Lauren. "So what was your other school like?"
I asked.

        "Pretty much the most uneventful school that there is in this
town. Everything about that school was so boring, no dances, no boys which
by the way sucked the most, and all the girls were stuck-up bitches." She
said in response, she moved her bangs out of her eyes. We made a turn and
were heading into the main hall by now.

        "The most interesting thing that's happened in this school is when
we got vending machines. There were quite some large lines the first couple
of days." I smiled and then chuckled. "Still are actually. But as for the
girls there are quite a few bitches, most of them being the popular girls."

        "Well I'm not jumping into that kind of crowd again, I hated being
fake when I was 'popular', I mean don't get me wrong being popular does
have its perks but I want to be myself this time." I had gotten her
wrong. She wasn't the kind of girl who was going to be a cheerleader and
date the jock, the regular clich‚ that movies portrayed. Maybe there was
a possibility we would become friends after all. She glanced at me and
smiled as if she had heard what I thought.

        The next class wasn't far away and we were nearly there. She looked
at me, "Thanks for helping me find my next class." She smiled. I'm pretty
sure she would have asked someone else but what had made her talk to me,
even ask for my help? I guess it could have been my looks but I was self
conscious and quickly shrugged that idea off.

        "No problem, any time." I smiled back. What had caused this sudden
burst of confidence in me that had made me want to talk to her? Usually I
would have shied away and not talked and made a complete ass of myself. She
sort of had this spark to her, I'm sure she could have gotten a mime to
talk if she really wanted to. I should talk more I told myself. "So, if you
don't mind me asking but what made you go to a private school in the first
place?"

        "Well to be honest I had went to this public school in another town
and things got pretty messy there, I had this best friend who spread these
terrible lies about me," she was staring forward, " and I couldn't escape
them, the only way I could was to go to another school. And the only option
at the time was a private one." She turned back to me. I silently wondered
what these lies were; could they be true whatever they were? I felt I
shouldn't press the subject because it might have been a sore one.

        "That sucks." I told her. "She must not have been much of a best
friend to do such a thing." I couldn't get more in because we suddenly
found ourselves at the door of our next class. She went to the teacher and
handed her schedule to her while I took my usual seat. The only seat that
was available was one at the back of the class, mine was in the front, and
I wouldn't get another chance to speak to her, we had no more classes
together that I had seen and she had a completely different lunch period
than I did. Oh well I told myself I was sure that she would soon forget all
about me and our brief period together.

        The rest of the school day was pretty much uneventful. I sat at
lunch just staring either at my food that I was idly stabbing at with my
plastic fork or just staring off not being able to take my mind off the new
girl. Andrew noticed my behavior which wasn't much different than I
normally act but he knew me well and asked what was up. I told him it was
nothing and he didn't question any further. If it was really something he
knew I would have told him. "Hey," he said after a moment of silence, "I
was going to go to Pizza-Hut later on with a friend and I want you to meet
her, do you want to go?" he asked nonchalantly.

        "Let me guess." I smiled devilishly at him. "You met this girl and
now you want to know what I think. Ha you're such a girl." I joked with
him. He gave me a small punch on the arm.

        "Shut up man, you know I always want your approval. I want you to
like the girls I plan on going out with." He gave me a grin. I rolled my
eyes at him. 'Plan on going out with' he said as if they would never say
no. This was nothing new he always liked to know what I thought of the
girls he liked. I wondered if I would know this girl, however I didn't
think at the moment to ask.

        "Yea I guess it's not like I have plans or anything." He smiled at
me again. Sometimes I wished it would be me he was going out with. It kind
of hurt still when I saw how happy he was with whatever current girlfriend
he was dating and how I know he had no feelings for me whatsoever other
than the ones that made him care for me in a brotherly way.  I never
regretted telling him about me though. He was probably the only person I
trusted, actually, he was.

        Whenever he got his heart broken by a girl I was the one there for
him, telling him he would find someone and the girl was a slut or tramp
trying to console him in some way. It hurt me to see him hurt though and I
knew I could never do enough for him but be there. He'd encouraged me to go
out with some boys though. I always blushed when he talked about me being
gay as if I was embarrassed. He always told me that I had nothing to be
ashamed of and that any guy would be lucky to have me. Whatever, I
thought. I didn't know any gay guys cause everyone was still in the closet
I guess. The people in my school didn't really approve of gays and I'm sure
would beat up anyone who was discovered to be one. This was why I was so
reluctant to tell Andrew, thinking he was just like every other anti-gay
person out there. I hoped one day I would find that person that was meant
for me.

        Lunch went by and so did the rest of the periods. When that bell
rang releasing us I headed towards Andrews car. We always met up here since
he would give me rides after school he never did in the mornings though
because I had told him I liked to walk. He understood. He met me shortly
after and we both hopped into his expensive mustang that his parents had
bought him for his sixteenth birthday. I wish I was as lucky. We talked
about nothing as we drove to his house quickly passing by houses that I
remembered from going to his house so many times. His parents didn't know
about me and I wanted to keep it that way. His dad could not stand gays and
I hated it when he mentioned them. It was always bitter remarks and how
much they don't deserve to live and things like that. No one argued with
him, there was no point in it. We headed straight to his room after we
greeted his mom who was in the living room. His dad at the moment was at
work, he stayed there until midnight. His mom was the sweetest lady I had
ever met. She thought of me as another son since me and Andrew spent so
much time together. I guess I considered her like a mom though too, so it
was mutual. "How was your day at school dears?"  she had asked before we
headed to his room.

        "Well mom," Andrew started, "I met this girl today and I'm going to
meet her later on today and introduce her to Jared." His mom smiled widely
at him, she had no greater joy than when her son had found someone he was
interested in.

        "Okay well I hope you have fun I'm going to go run some errands so
I'll be gone until your dad gets home." His mom was a nurse and the
hospital and they usually needed her, she was pretty important to
them. "Don't be out to late and I hope that I meet this girl soon, don't
keep her away from me Drew." She smiled and I think her eyes even sparkled.

        "See you later Mrs. Handan." I told her before she turned to leave.

        "Bye Jared, you boys take care of your selves now." She smiled
pleasantly and left without another word.

        "So what time are we going to meet this girl of yours?" I asked him
looking at the clock on the wall, it displayed 4:07 p.m. "Do I know her by
the way?" I realized I hadn't even asked.

        He grinned wryly, "I'm going to make it a surprise. So don't ask
anymore. We're going to meet up at 5 so we still have an hour." Why did he
want it to be a surprise? I knew about every girl in school even if I
didn't talk to them so it must be someone who I either did talk to or
someone I didn't like, I wonder which it would be. Usually the kind of
girls Andrew dated were the ones that were very pretty and a lot of guys
drooled over. He was a big flirt when it came to girls. I laugh to myself
when I would see him approach a girl and try to be all suave. The girl
would by blinded by his looks and go instantly gaga over him. It was funny
because he wasn't even smooth, not that he needed to be, but he once
tripped up the stairs when going to a girl and I have never let him forget
it.

        We spent the hour by playing a video game on his PS3, which I lost
every time, it didn't even matter what the game was, sports, fighting,
etc. When the time came he announced it was time to go and we headed for
his car once again. Once inside we got to the place we were meeting at in
no time and I was kind of curious as to who this mystery girl was going to
be.  I really liked pizza, it was my favorite food and I knew that Andrew
picked this place because it was somewhere I would enjoy myself I guess;
strangely pizza put me in a good mood. We walked in the double doors and
the host seated us. Andrew told him we were expecting us and placed us in a
booth. We waited to place our order for food and just had drinks, I got a
root beer and he got a coca-cola. I sipped on my drink glancing warily at
the doors wondering when this girl would show up hoping she wouldn't keep
us long. I had to find out more about her before she arrived.

        "So are you going to tell me who she is or are you really going to
make me wait in suspense until she gets here?" I looked at him and he was
grinning "I think I might die of curiosity." I stated.

        "They say that curiosity killed the cat." He chuckled.

        "So now I'm a cat?" I asked jokingly. "I think I feel insulted. But
for real dude you always tell me who the girl is going to be. What is so
special about this girl you won't even tell me?" He was drinking some of
his Coke and didn't say anything so I decided to keep badgering him.

        "So you won't tell me huh? Looks like I'm going to have to
guess. Is it Carmen?" As soon as the name came out he spit some of his coke
on me without meaning to, I think. "Dude I was just kidding! Calm down." I
laughed at his reaction.

        "I can't believe you would even say Carmen, she is such a fucking
slut. I think she's even fucked most of the boys in the junior class not to
mention the senior." He calmed down and then laughed as well. "The reason I
don't want to tell you is because I do really want it to be a surprise, she
told me when we were in school that she knows you." A girl that new who I
was? That meant it was someone I knew, maybe someone who was friendly with
me. I didn't know. "Do I know her? Is it someone I talk to?" I asked glad
he had disclosed some information.

        "I'm not giving anything away, you're just going to have to suffer
and wait." He said and it sort of infuriated me. I wanted to know! I guess
I should drop it because soon enough she would arrive and the curiosity
would end.

        "Fine, I guess I will have to suffer." Just then I looked towards
the door and noticed that the girl that I had met in first period step
through them. She didn't wait for a hostess and went to find a seat. It
couldn't be her could it? Of course it would make sense though. She was
hot, Andrew was hot, and she did know who I was. My mind was put to ease
when she came over and joined us. I couldn't believe it. Andrew wanted to
hook up with her, the new girl at school. I guess I would have my chance to
become her friend after all. I'm glad there was the possibility that she
and Andrew would hook up because that meant she would be with a good guy,
not some jerk who just wanted some or just as a trophy prize. Andrew was
always serious with his girlfriends. He wore his heart on his sleeve when
it came to his girlfriends, something that baffled me because Andrew would
never come off as that type of guy but yet I guess when you got to know him
it was just who he was, now what was expected of him.

        "Jared." She said my name gleefully as she took her seat next to
Andrew after he scooted in. Wow she had remembered my name. "It's so good
to see you again." She smiled her award winning smile. Now wonder Andrew
was attracted to her I bet he literally drooled when he saw her and that
dazzling smile of hers. "Andrew here," she glanced at him and motioned with
her hand then looked back to me, "told me that you and he were friends and
that he wanted to get to know me better. He told me you wouldn't know who
was coming here though." So she was in on it. I shot him an angry glance
for not telling me it was her but he gave me his most innocent face that he
could, but I guess it didn't matter I was sort of glad it was Lauren and
not someone else.

        I gave her the best smile I could. "Hey Lauren, it's good to see
you to. Find the rest of your classes okay?" I asked sincerely.

        "Yes thank you again for helping me this morning. After I left
second period I found my third period and met Andrew here who showed me to
my next class and then the rest after, he was so helpful." She almost said
it sarcastically. Andrew looked away turning a little red. "Have you guys
ordered yet?"

        "No we were actually just waiting for you." Andrew told her. At
that moment the waitress came by and took our order. While waiting we
chatted more about school. When our food was ready she came and brought it
to our table. We had ordered a stuff crust pepperoni pizza, my
favorite. Lauren and Andrew were the ones who did all the talking I would
join in occasionally saying a word here or there and Lauren would give me
these glances as if she was wondering why I didn't say more. I learned a
lot about her while we ate, her favorite music, her favorite color, the
kind of people she liked to hang out with, and just things she was
interested in, we had a lot in common but I didn't say anything. Andrew
looked like he was hanging on to every word she said, almost mesmerized. I
listened intently hoping she would mention her old private school but she
never did.

        "So how did you get here?" I asked at one point taking a bite of my
pizza afterword.

        "My parents dropped me off I told them I was meeting a couple of
girlfriends so they wouldn't forbid me to come, they don't like the idea of
me hanging out with boys a whole lot." She grinned. "Do you think I could
get a ride to my house with you guys?" she asked hopefully.

        Andrew answered at once nearly choking on his pizza trying to
swallow it down fast enough to reply. "Sure, did you even have to ask? Just
tell me where you live when we get to the car." She giggled while he gulped
down some of his drink trying to get what pizza hadn't gone down. That was
the first time she giggled and it sounded so innocent almost like a five
year old girl.

        "Okay so now that you know about me, why don't you tell me some
things about your selves?" She sipped her sprite.  That started another
conversation with Andrew talking most of the time. Telling her about the
sports he was in and she seemed really interested. Then telling her how he
had won a game one time in football for the team and how everyone was proud
of him, the coach especially. She was impressed, it was obvious but how
could you not be with Andrew, everything about him was impressive. What was
there to me? Nothing I was average to say the most. She would look me
occasionally wondering when I would stop Andrew from babbling and mention
myself. But there was nothing I could say.

        I fixed my gaze on something that was occurring on the plasma TV
that had caught my attention. A reporter was saying that there had been a
terrible accident where an eighteen wheeler didn't have enough time to stop
and collided with at least three other cars on the interstate and that
there were no survivors; traffic would be backed up for quite
sometime. Then my heart was racing. No one noticed that my heart was
beating like a hummingbird's wings or that I suddenly was unable to budge,
and I was thankful for that. My mind went into a flashback; I saw a green
light changing yellow then to red. I heard the roar of a car speeding
towards the driver's side of the car showing no sign of ever slowing down.
Then there was the guy in the driver's seat that was oblivious to all that
was occurring around him reaching to change the radio station, his mind set
on only that. To me everything was going by in slow motion. My mouth was
open as I sat there in the passenger's seat unable to speak fast enough, to
tell him to stop, to get his attention. Then my mind came back to the
restaurant were there was a low noise of murmuring as the people
conversed. I stood up abruptly and both Andrew and Lauren looked at me
surprised by my sudden action.

        "Uh, sorry I'm just going to go to the restroom." Andrew shot me a
concerned glance and I heard the unspoken question, 'What's wrong?' I
didn't give Andrew more of an explanation but just escaped to the men's
restroom. I went in and was glad to be in there alone. I went to the sink
and placed both hands on each side looking down with sweat starting to form
on my forehead, my breathing was ragged as if I had just ran a mile.

        It was a curse, I was forced to never be able to forget, and I
would have to live with my guilt for the rest of my disgraceful life. I
slowly looked at the mirror and froze in place when I didn't see my own
reflection facing back at me. Instead it was him there. This boy looking
back at me, the face I could never forget; the person who had been in the
driver's seat. He had short black hair that came past his ear, his eyes
looked lifeless and I couldn't bring myself to stare into them
directly. His face had no expression, there was blood slowly trickling from
the left side of his head and I blinked hoping the boy would be gone when I
opened them back up. He was but I still couldn't bring myself to move. I
began to cry softly, tears rolling down my cheek and into the sink. I
brought my hands to my face and just cried there for a minute or two until
I was able to regain myself. Just disregard what happened I told
myself. Just don't think about it, but how could I when the memory was
engraved into my head as if it were a concrete slab. I dried my eyes and
breathed in a deep breath. I pushed the door open and headed back to the
booth. I faked a smile when Andrew looked at me and noticed things were not
okay but didn't say anything. I knew he would pester me when we were
alone. Lauren must have noticed too because she suddenly asked.

        "Are you okay Jared? You look like you've just seen ghost." She was
somewhat right. I noticed that my arms and hands had become clammy and that
I must have looked pale. I had to relieve them some way.

        "It's nothing I just..." I scratched the back of my head and gave
them a wry smile. I couldn't think of anything to say, how would I explain
the odd way I looked to them, I had to think of a lie even if it wasn't a
good one. "I just remembered that I'm failing a class and that my parents
have to sign a slip, they're going to kill me." I chuckled weakly. Andrew
new better but still said nothing.

        "Yea my parents are strict when it comes to my grades they would
ground me for a month if I even so much as make below a B minus in any of
my classes." I was glad that Lauren had bought the lie.

        We had finished our pizza and I had taken one last sip of my root
beer before Andrew paid the bill, seeing as he invited us here, and headed
to his car. Andrew and I led the way to the parking lot with Lauren on our
heels. Andrew had placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze in
what was a comforting way but took it off before Lauren could think
anything of it. We got to his car and I let Lauren sit in the front to be
able to point out when Andrew was getting close to his house and so that
she could give him directions, mainly so that I could be to myself. I
noticed that Andrew at one point had taken a hold of Lauren's hand; she did
not pull back which made me very pleased for my friend. I looked out the
window aimlessly, I was thankful to be alone in the back. My mind still on
what I had seen in the mirror. I knew I couldn't tell Andrew even though he
thought he knew what was making me so sad and miserable. I couldn't bring
myself to tell him.

        It wasn't long before we were at Lauren's driveway. I looked at the
surroundings and noticed this neighborhood wasn't to far from where I
lived. I stayed in the car while Andrew got out; he was going to walk
Lauren to her door. "Bye Jared, see you tomorrow in first period." She
waved a small goodbye and gave me a smile. I smiled back.

        "Yea see you." I watched as he held her hand once again and walked
slowly to her door as if not wanting to part.

        They stood at the door for a moment and I was pretty sure he was
saying something like 'I had a great time with you today' I knew what would
happen next. And sure enough it did. I looked away wanting them to give
them some privacy even if they didn't know I was looking. He kissed her for
quite a while; I'm surprised he stopped because I'm sure he would have
never gotten tired on that doorstep as long as he was kissing her. I looked
back wondering if it had ended at that moment he gave her hand a kiss, aw
how romantic' I thought in a sarcastic tone, I chuckled out loud. The
lengths he would go to just to ensure a girl liked him. He jogged back to
the car when Lauren was safely inside. I had already gotten into the front
seat and Andrew was grinning from ear to ear, nothing would make that smile
disappear. "Things went well I assume?"

        "Yea they did." He held out his hand and showed me where Lauren had
written her number. "She wants me to call her later. I'm not going to ask
her out just yet, I want us to hang out before I make my move." He said as
if he was playing a chess game.

        He started to drive, "She seems like a really nice girl Andrew;
she's really good for you." I looked at him and then he turned towards me
still smiling like a boy who had just received the best gift on Christmas
day.

        "Really?" he said almost too pleased with my remark. "So you
approve then, thank god, I feel like she may really be good for me to. So I
want to tell you something." He didn't look at me when he told me
this. "She sort of told me she really liked you." This shocked me, I was
not expecting that. "She wasn't sure if it was okay that I wanted to you
know talk to her just in case that you like her too." He shifted his eyes
in my direction and he saw that I was staring back at him. "So I told her
that it was cool and that you wouldn't mind, that you had just gone through
a hard breakup and weren't ready to date again." He lied for me.

        I smiled at him. "Wow." I laughed. "Someone as hot as her liked
me?" I asked in disbelief. "I guess I'm not that bad looking after all."

        He laughed to, "See I told you that you weren't completely ugly." I
punched him. "Okay, okay. Jesus I was just kidding.  He rubbed where I had
punched him pretending that it had hurt him, as if I could have. We both
laughed. His expression abruptly changed from a smile to somewhat of a
frown. "When we were at Pizza-Hut, what happened to you?" He asked worried.

        My face showed no emotion. "I told you it was nothing." I had said
it too feebly. But I shrugged to illustrate that I meant it. "Like I said
my grades are dropping and now I have to face my parents, thanks for
reminding me jerk." I half- heartedly laughed. His face was still stern.

        "Jared you know that I really do love you, but only as a brother."
He thought that I was miserable or angry because he was going out with
Lauren and not me. We had had many conversations about our feelings and I
told him I was ok, I had meant it. I was glad that I and he were best
friends and I decided a long time ago that that's all I needed.

        "I can't believe that you still think I feel depressed because your
straight and I'm gay." I sighed. I looked at him directly in his eyes and
what I saw was hurt. He wanted to be gay because he didn't want to hurt me,
he only wished that he could return the feelings that I had had for him, I
probably still did somewhere in my broken heart that could never be put
back together. But that wasn't it. I only wish he would stop beating
himself over it and comprehend that I had moved on from that part of my
life. "It's not that Andrew... It's just that I-I..." I couldn't let him
know, not yet. "It's something that I really can't discuss," I was still
looking at him and I still saw how hurt he was because it was something
that I wouldn't tell him, something I was keeping from him, "I'm not ready
to talk about it, but when I am you'll be the first person I talk to, but
now's not the best time." He sighed which meant that he understood. "But
I'm over the feelings I had for you, I already have you as my best friend,
I don't want to push my luck." I gave him a crooked smile. "Please if you
love me, let me tell you in my own time. It's not that I don't want to tell
you, I do. I just can't bring myself to..." I looked down into my lap. He
stopped the car on the side of the road but I hadn't noticed.

        He lifted his arm and with his hand lifted my chin to bring me eye
to eye with him again. "I do love you, you know that. And when you want to
tell me, whatever it is, know I'm always here for you." He leaned in and
kissed my cheek. "I mean it. I don't want you to hide anything from me
again just because you're scared of my reaction." His face was close to
mine and for that moment I was happy. I didn't deserve him. He was too good
to me. A pathetic queer who no one could possibly love, so why did he?

        "Thanks Andrew, for everything, for being so understanding, for
being my friend, and for loving me when no one else does." A tear broke
free from my eye. I hated getting emotional around him. It showed my
vulnerability and I hated being weak when he was so strong. At that moment
he took me in his arms. Like when a brother hugs his younger brother who
has just scraped his knee from falling. He was trying to comfort me.

        "Jared, don't do this again. You know I'm not the only one who is
ever going to love you. You'll find the person who your meant to be with,"
His hand was rubbing my back, this was the only way he could think to
soothe me, "someone who will love you because of who you are and because
your someone who deserves to be loved. I hate it when you talk so down on
yourself. I bet you think I'm the strongest guy out there, and that I have
no weakness, but your wrong. You see how I get with my girlfriends and
you're always the one there for me when I feel like there is something
wrong with me, like I only hurt myself. I'm the one who should be thankful
for you. For a friend who puts me above his own life. So please, just stop
beating yourself up." His eyes were slightly watery. I hated to hurt him
and that was exactly what I was doing. I didn't want to keep talking about
this so I just agreed.

        "Ok, I'll do my best to stop." I rubbed my eyes as he leaned away
from me and started to drive towards my house again. We didn't talk any
more after that and just listened to the radio.

        We both needed to think. I stared out the window looking at nothing
in particular and just replayed our conversation in my head which I was
sure he was doing the same. He was right I guess. I would find someone who
loved me more than he did even though that was difficult for me to believe.
He had placed his arm around me and it made me feel good, to know that he
was here for me. We got to my house and I really didn't want to go back to
the hell that was my home. He slowed the car and put it in park in front of
my house. He didn't say anything though, he just waited for me to say bye,
something I didn't want to do, I felt completely safe with him. I looked at
him as I opened the door to get out.

        "I love you Andrew." He knew I meant as a friend. But did I? He
smiled warmly.

        "I love you to Jared. I'll call you when I get home, okay?"

        "Okay." And with that I closed the door behind me and he sped
off. I looked at him go until he was no longer in view.  I sighed; time to
go face my parents again, if you could really call them parents.

	I walked to the front door and opened it, I was about to shout that
I had returned home but instead I heard shouting coming from the kitchen.

	"You mother-fucker I can't believe after all that I've fucking done
for you that you were cheating on me with some slut! I knew there was
always somebody else and now I know I was right!" I stood where I was. They
were fighting again but from what I just heard my dad was to blame for this
one.

	"I want you out of my fucking house and take that fucking loser boy
of yours with you, I don't ever want to see you again do you understand!
Get the fuck out of my house!" I heard a loud smack and I was sure that my
mom had just slapped my dad and it wasn't a small one from the sound of
it. There was a short moment of silence. "Get out!"

	"Fuck you I don't need a piece of shit like you, I'm leaving not
because you tell me to but because I fucking want to, I should have done it
a long time ago!" My mom came out of the hallway and looked very pissed. I
had never seen her when they were arguing I was usually confined in my
room. "Get your shit packed! We're leaving!" Great, I thought.


Feedback is appreciated and can be sent to jcarpio2010@yahoo.com. No flames
will be viewed or replied to, so don't even try.

This is the first installment of what I hope to be a great story so please
tell me what you think.