Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2011 09:44:36 -0800 (PST) From: K Davids <k.davids@ymail.com> Subject: Some sense of security/ In search of solid ground ch.8.2 In Search of Solid Ground ch 8 part 2 This story is pure fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of the reader. This story contains sexual contact between to underage males if this is illegal to read where you live then please hit the back button now!! Everything in this story is made up, the names and people are fake: they are not real; I did not base them off people I know! Please do not copy or paste this anywhere else, but please feel free to email me k.davids@ymail.com ----------------------------------------------------------- The Funeral-Part 2 ----------------------------------------------------------- tonight, never let me hold you tight never got to say goodbye on our one and only, one and only night never let me hold you tight never got to say goodbye on our one and only, one and only night ~Hawthorne Heights~ BOY ----------------------------------------------------------- Characters Chasen: Age 16 - Main Character Braiden: Age 16 - Chasen's boyfriend Ian: nearly a year old-Braiden's son Kevin: Chasen's Father Caroline: Chasen's Step Mother Ryan: Age 16 - Chasen's Brother Kyle: Age 15 - Chasen's Brother Lexie: Age 14 - Chasen's Sister Aaron: Age 15 - Friend ----------------------------------------------------------- (Chasen's POV) The alarm started blaring annoyingly, scaring me awake, I forgot where I was at momentarily. I looked over to the right and saw Aaron snuggled right up to me fast asleep. Now that it was bright in the room, I can see how much weight he has lost. I watched him while he slept, his light blonde hair a mess, his mouth was open and I could see his brand new pair of braces, I forgot to even look last night when I saw him. My eyes traveled down his bare shoulders and back, I could see little scars that he must have gotten from skate boarding from over the years. I didn't like how I could see his ribs, he was just way too skinny to me. I swing my legs over to hang off the bed and I lean over, I think I am past the part of crying or at least I hope because now I just feel uneasy about the whole funeral thing...I just don't know how I should act I feel so sad, but I just can't cry anymore. I turn and gently shake Aaron trying to get him awake. It was so cute to watch him stir, he tried to pull the covers over his face. "Aaron come on buddy, it's time to get up, we need to start getting ready." "Ughhh..." was all I got as a response as he tried to cover his face once more. "Aaron you have like five seconds before I start to tickle you." I tell him warning him to what was about to come. He ignored me, so I got up and ripped the covers away from him leaving him exposed. I heard a slight protest and that's when I dove in and started to tickle him. That woke him up right away, it was so funny to see him squirm under me, "CHASEN!!!!!!!!" he protested loudly I just laughed at him as I kept jabbing and tickling him, "Now do you want to get up!" I teased him while straddling over his thing body. "Get off me!" He pleaded. "No! Mister 'I don't want to wake up', now you get to be tortured!" I pick with him and start to tickle him once more. "Chasen please, please, please! Stop now!" he said with urgency in his voice. At the moment I lean back and I feel something stiff underneath me...my eyes get big and I let out and "Oh...I understand." I get off of Aaron, and he bolts from the bed and runs out of the room. I sit back on the bed and laugh to myself, that absolutely was an entertaining way to start the morning out. The laugh died off quickly as it dawns on me that in an hour or so I will be seeing Tanner in a casket...I shudder at the thought. I need to go make sure Ry is up. I walk right next door and knock on the door, "hey guys are yall up? David and Margaret will be here real soon!" I say loud enough for them to hear. Ryan opens the door, he is dressed in his black suit and all nice and neat, "The real question is are you ready little brother?" I step back, "Not yet but I will very soon. You actually clean up well." I tell him jokingly. "Go get dressed already." He tells me smiling. I walk over to Aaron's room, and knock on the door. "Hey man you ok?" I ask. "Come in!" I hear him yell with a touch of frustration in his voice. I walk in and I see Aaron facing the mirror, in his black slacks and his white shirt but crying and frustrated, I walk over to him and turn him towards me. "What's wrong little man?" "What's wrong! What's wrong! A lot is wrong Chasen, I...I am embarrassed still about ... you know! and now I can't get this stupid tie to tie right, if that even makes any sense!" He whines looking at me with more tears coming out of his bright steel grey blue eyes. "First you got to calm down. Take a deep breath, ok what happened this morning is natural, your fifteen hormones are raging ok. Second, ties piss everyone off!" I tell him moving his hands away from the tie and doing it for him. As I am tying the tie, he wipes away the tears from his eyes, "Are you sure your ok?" I ask. "Just never thought the first funeral I would attend would be someone who was like a brother to me." He says. "I know it sucks man, but that's life. It sucks then it gets better. It could suck most of your life but the little moments make it all worthwhile. Now finish getting ready I am going to go get myself dressed." I tell him walking out of the room avoiding piles of clothes. The first thing I do is grab my deodorant and put it on, then I grab the new white button up shirt and take it out of the package. I put it on feeling the new crispness against my chest and I hate it already. After I button it up I take out my black slacks, I hop right into them with no problem and grab my belt and loop it through the holes on my pants and notch it. I put on bright white socks and find those stupid black dress shoes that my dad insisted that I needed to wear. I sat on the bed after tying the laces on my shoes and looked at the jacket... Ryan comes into the room, he is all the way dressed by now. David and dad talked on the phone and all decided that we needed to wear the same things. I guess they thought it was appropriate...Ryan takes my tie and motions for me to come over towards him. As he is wrapping the tie around my neck, he tries to get me to talk, "How are you?" "I'm great I guess." I nervously laugh. "No you're not, now really how are you?" he asks as he is making the tie do loops in his hands. "Scared Okay! I don't want to be but I am...its taking everything in my power to fight the tears that are trying to escape!" I tell him getting frustrated. "So why don't you stop." Ryan asks almost finishing with the tie. "Because I am supposed to be strong, I need to be strong for Troy and for Aaron. I don't want to feel like I am weak!" I tell him. He pulls the knot on the tie up hard, "Chasen, no one is expecting you to be strong for them, you loved him just as much as anyone else. It's not weak to shed tears for your friends and family, it shows that you care, caring is what makes you human!" I sigh, and let a breath of air out, "I know, but I just I don't know how to handle it when I see him." "Well when the time comes we will handle it together, I'm here for you little brother." He tells me and smiles. I know he is right, but still part of me wants to try and fake it and appear to be tough, but I know that I wouldn't last long because as soon as I try to, I will break down worse than before. I look at him in the eyes and nod to him. "Well it's about time, let's get the boys so we can go outside, I am sure they will be here soon." I tell him. We both head out of the room, and grab our bags to take with us considering we really don't know where we are staying tonight, we meet up with Aaron and Troy, who are by now in Aaron's room. Troy looks like he actually slept last night, he doesn't have dark circles under his eyes and he looks good in the suit that he is wearing. "Are you guys ready?" Ryan asks as we enter the room. They both kind of shrug, and Troy instantly goes to stand by Ryan. Ryan puts his arm around him. "Well guys we got to get this going. We can't prolong it for forever." He tells them. We make our way down to the front door, and I stop to ask Aaron if he needs to tell his moms. "No they are most likely gone already. That's if they even came home last night. So I don't bother with them." He tells me. I watch him as he locks the door with a key he pulled from his pocket. I didn't pay attention to how many locks they had but there were quite a few of them. Of course it shouldn't have surprised me. We all kind of stood waiting for David and Margaret to show up; we didn't say much I guess due to the fact that very soon we will be in a church looking at Tanner for the very last time than taking him and placing him in his final resting place. I cringe and get goose bumps just thinking of seeing him so still in the casket. (Aaron's POV) I found it funny that Chasen even asked about my parents, honestly I had no clue if they are asleep or if they came home. I don't care not after yesterday what mom told me it hurt me. I don't understand how someone cannot value someone else's life. She simply dismissed it as something small! I am still embarrassed by this morning with Chasen, I totally popped a boner and he felt it! I almost made myself throw up to punish myself because I am pretty damn sure he found me disgusting when it happened! I am glad he came in and helped me with that stupid tie I never have known how to do one! I guess he knows how to do one because he has a father unlike me. I still feel bad about the argument we had last night, I really hope he isn't mad at me still. I look over at Chasen and Ryan. It still boggles me on how they look so much alike it's so weird! \I study Chasen more, and I don't know how he is holding himself together, I am barely holding myself together...my concentration is broken by the sound of tires on the gravel. I look up and I see the Garret's SUV coming up the drive way. We wait patiently as they slowly pull up and come to a complete stop. I start to feel the pit of my stomach drop. I don't know if I can get in the car. I stop walking and Chasen stops with me. "What's wrong?" He asks. "I...I don't think I can do this." I tell him. He squats lower so that he is eye level with me, "Yes Aaron you can. I know it hurts, it's scary but we can get through this together, all of us. Tanner would want us to do this." He tells. I know he is right...I follow his lead and we get into the car. David gives us a small smile. You can tell how forced it was. Margaret didn't even try, her sniffling could be heard coming from the passenger seat. We start off down the drive way, I look over at Chasen, who now has tears in his eyes. I start to tear up as well. He places his hand on my led and nods to me. I send a worried look back at him. I look out to the window, what a shitty day it's going to be to have a funeral. The clouds are angry grey, it's not the kind that produce rain...well now that I actually look at them they don't look angry, but sad. Like the clouds know what has happened. I put my hands in my lap, I feel like a little kid, because for once I have nothing to say or because I know it's not the time to act goofy... I can't help but let my mind wonder to what awaits me very soon, I will be leaving this place probably for good! I don't like it anymore. Plus it's so weird being around Maxx since he has a girlfriend and we just don't talk much at all. Also Troy and I don't even hang out much at all since he got so popular with sports at school. I still can't believe I got the role in this movie, I still haven't told anyone at school, not much like it would matter, because there isn't anyone to tell. I really don't have any close friends anymore I hate that. Especially since Tanner is gone now, there's no one left. I shake my head, I have way too many thoughts going on in my head, and it's driving me crazy! I shouldn't be focusing on my stupid problems! I lean my head on Chasen's shoulder and look up at him. I see he is looking out the window I wonder what kind of thoughts he is having, if they are any better than mine. (Chasen's POV) I knew Aaron was having issues accepting what was going on, but right now I had to focus on trying to keep it together. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to lose my cool during the funeral. I think that is the best thing to do right now. I guess what I meant I had to try to stay numb, feeling nothing, it couldn't hurt if I didn't allow myself to feel. Just all these emotions are trying to push forward through me all at once, but I can't feel them. I allow one, I allow all them and I just can't. I take a deep breath and prepare myself because I know we are getting closer, I can feel the apprehension in the car. David slows down the SUV and I know we are finally there, he slowly pulls in to a parking spot, I look down at my shaking hands and try to force them to be still, but it's not working. I will myself to stop the trembling. Ryan puts his hand on my shoulder and gives me a reassuring glance, I nod and I open the door and step out. The weather sets the mood for the day, the grey clouds look depressing with the sun behind them and the wind isn't even blowing. A short man approaches David and sticks out his hand, "Mr. Garret I am glad you made it. Would you and the family like to see him first before more arrive?" "Yes Mr. Blanch that would be a good." David says shaking his hand. David gives us the motion to follow him, he takes Margaret in his arms as they walk through the door of the funeral home, and we follow right behind them. As we walk through the door the funeral home has dim lighting and tan carpet with beige walls, various religious pictures are hung throughout the place. Mr. Blanch guides us into another room. As we walk through the door way we see the pamphlets that have a picture of Tanner on it. It's his senior picture, I could see how happy he was, he had that grin that I can picture him wearing. I hear a sob, it breaks my attention that was focused on the picture and I look towards the sound, I see Margaret crying hard. She is standing by the casket that holds Tanner. I see Troy hugging her and I know he is crying too, David is hugging both of them. I am frozen with fear; I don't want to move from the spot I'm standing in. I don't want to see what lies in the casket. I feel someone beside me grab and hold onto my hand I look and its Aaron, he has gone pale. Ryan leans close to me, "Come on Chasen walk. You need to do this. It's going to be hard, it will break your heart but you have to do this." He tells me and gives me a little push forward. Each step I take, my stomach falls faster and faster. Aaron still has my hand; in fact I know he is just as scared to see Tanner as I am from the death grip on my hand. We reach the casket, and David guides Margaret and Troy out of the way...I look up following the casket to the open lid. I see a body in there laying so still, no life in it at all. I hold my breath as I look at Tanner lying in the casket, I step closer to him. I feel my gut as well as my heart wrenching. I take a hand and gently brush his cheek, it's so cold. The body in the casket doesn't even look like him. It does but it's missing the warm hearted smile, that was the Tanner I remembered. I lean down and kiss his forehead, I know this will be the last and only time for me to say goodbye to him. I place my hand over his and I take the bracelet he gave me at the mall and place it between his fingers. "I love you Tan, and I am going to miss you so much..." I whisper to him. The tears start to freefall now, I can't hold them back any longer...I feel Ryan come up beside me and grab me by the shoulder to lead me to the chairs. He guides me to sit down next to Margaret who instantly holds me and kisses me on the head. I place my other arm around Aaron who is crying as well, Ryan is sitting on the other side of Aaron trying to get him to calm down. We sit there for a moment trying to regain our composure, and Mr. Blanch approaches us again, "Would it be ok to go ahead and let people come in?" David nodded his head, "Yes, please do." Margaret looked at me, "I am so blessed to have you here. I don't think any of us could have done this without you. There will be a few of Tanner's family members, just a few aunts from his father's side I was an only child so I will point them out to you. They weren't really close but they still came." I hugged her once again, "I am glad to be here with you and the family." We watched as people started to slowly file in each going to view Tanner and then coming to give their condolences to the family, the first few ladies where Tanners aunts which Margaret did point out. They didn't look anything like David. It was sad to see that they weren't really cut up about losing a nephew but at least they showed up. I saw a few familiar faces from my old high school come through and give their condolences...the one face that stuck out the most was the one who made me so miserable...Kristy. She showed up crying and making a big deal with her girlfriends, it made me sick I felt bile rise in my throat, I know I am not supposed to hate her but I can't help but do exactly that. I felt Aaron's eyes on me pleading me not to do anything. I just watched her as she threw herself over her friends when she reached the casket, and she came over to David, Margaret and Troy and hugged each of them, telling him she knows how they feel, that she is just as upset...I can't help but think what bullshit that is, she can't possibly know what it feels like to lose a son, not like this amazing set of parents have. I saw a tall figure approach the casket and pay his respects then came over to the family, and gave his condolences. It wasn't until he got to me did I recognize him. It was Matt. I stood up and hugged him, "It's good to see you, even though it's not on the happiest occasion." He tells me before he goes and sits down. I watched him go sit down, I can't believe I didn't recognize him, but I didn't dwell on it too much after a few more minutes after everyone took their seats. A pastor came up to the stand and he started the ceremony. I spaced out as soon as he started talking, I couldn't take my eyes off of Tanner laying there in the casket...I remember when he first gave me that bracelet, how giddy I felt when he put it on me. The very one that I laid in his hands. I wanted it to be with him so he knew I loved him. We bowed our heads as the pastor asked us too. He said a simple prayer and then they played a song that was Tanner's favorite. The song was 'It Ends Tonight' by The All American Rejects. I remember him telling me once how he was obsessed with this song when it came out. I watched as Mr. Blanchard came out and closed the casket, I watched as Tanner's face disappeared, never to be seen again and I started to cry again. It hurt so much I knew it was final I would never get to see him smile or hear his voice anymore. My heart was breaking all over again. I hated the fact he was the one in that casket. We were left with the pieces to pick up, to move on from but how was one to move on from this? As the song ended we slowly started to file out of the room, as they rolled the casket out of a side door to load it in a Hurst. As we were walking out of the funeral home Matt approached us again, "Mr. Garret, could I be a pall bearer to help carry Tanner's casket. I don't want you to do it, I don't think any parent should have to carry their own son's casket." David looked at him and placed a hand on his shoulder, "Yes son you can. Thank you so much for the offer..." Mr. Blanch walked over towards us once again, "Ok young men if you would please follow me to the white car we will usher you to the burial spot that way you can be with the casket when it arrives and take it to the burial spot." He told us motioning us to the car. We followed him, now with Matt in tow with us. "Thanks for helping out." I tell him. "Hey it's the least I can do, Tanner was always nice to me...it is going to suck when school starts in a few weeks and neither one of you will be there." He says looking over at me. "Yeah I guess it will. Will you do me a favor, watch out for Troy please?" I ask him hanging back a little so Troy wouldn't hear me. "Yeah man, by the way you look a lot better than the last time I saw you." He tells me looking at me in the eyes. "Thanks man, I have a great family and a pretty great life now." I tell him. We all pile into the car, it was pretty much a limo. You could tell we all had been crying, our eyes were red. "Troy are you ok?" I ask. He just nodded to me and Ryan put an arm around him. Aaron leaned into me. I put my arm around him and hugged him. I looked out the window and watched as we passed the gravesites and we slowly came to a stop. We got out of the car and walked to the Hurst, the driver helped roll the casket out. I was on one side with Aaron. Troy and Ryan were on the other while Matt was at the end. I couldn't believe I was carrying Tanner to his final resting spot. I didn't cry though because deep down I knew this is what he would have wanted. For his friends and family to carry him in their arms to where he would forever more lie. So he could rest easy. It was a little heavy but with the weight divided between the five of us it was easy to shoulder. Everyone made room for us to come through and put the casket on the hinges. Margaret then stepped up and motioned for us to come to them to sit in the front row. Matt didn't follow he went to the back. I guess he felt that was the right thing to do. We weren't there for long the pastor said a few more prayers, and Margaret got up and put a red rose on the casket. We followed suite and she led us out to the car. As we were about to get in she hugged each one of us. "Boys you don't know how much I love each and every one of you." Margaret tells us. We get in and it's silent. I know how hard pressed it is for everyone anyone could feel it in the air. I sit back and loosen my tie, I watch Aaron do the same as me and we give a little laugh. I see David watching us in the review mirror giving us a little smile. Margaret turns around in her seat, "Boys, Aaron your included, we would really love it if you would stay the night with us." "Well duh! Ma. That's my home too!" Aaron says reaching and hugging her. We all laugh at Aaron, leave it up to him to lighten up the mood. As we drive down the highway I can't help but look up at the sky. I know Tanner is looking down on us smiling. As I think of that I don't know whether it's coincidence or not but the sun shines through part of the clouds, creating an effect that makes it seem that Tanner was answering me. I check my phone and it's only a little after noon. This is good, because while I have the nerve I am going to visit my mother I need to get this over with I don't want to wait another day. I text Braiden, "we just buried Tanner...it was hard. I miss you so much baby." I barely put the phone down before it vibrated, "I am sorry baby I miss you like crazy I can't wait to hold you." I smiled to myself; I can't wait to be in his arms either. I think after this visit with my mother I think I can move on. I don't know I just feel it in my heart. We pull up to the Garret's house. "David can I talk to you please?" I ask him as we get out of the car. He hangs back as everyone else goes to the house, "What is it son?" I shuffle my feet, "I...can...can I use the car...I am going to visit my mother." He puts a hand on my shoulder, "are you sure you want to do this? Do we need to call you father?" "No David, please don't. I need to do this; she still has me, David I need to do this to be free of her once and for all. For me to be happy I need to face her." I tell him almost in tears. "Well, you can use my car. I think you are right son. You need to face her and be done with it." He tells me digging his keys out. I hug him hard, "Thank you so much for understanding." I see Ryan poking around the SUV, "Are we going now?" I nod and hug David once again, "Please be careful." He tells me. Ryan and I get into David's car, and I start it up. I can feel the adrenaline surge through me as I think about what I am about to do. As we start down the road Ryan looks over at me, "Dude are you sure you want to do this today?" "I need to Ryan." I tell him not looking over. After a few minutes I pull over to the curb, Ryan looks out the window. "Dude I don't think this is the jail." He tells me. "I know this is where I used to live." I tell him turning off the car. He just follows me out of the car, I walk through the grown up grass that has weeds everywhere. "Wait this was yours and your mother's house?" Ryan asks following me. "Yeah home sweet home." I tell him as I unlock the front door and force it open. I walk into the living room, it's exactly just as she left it, bottles everywhere. I watch Ryan's reaction his eye's grow wide. I walk him down the hall way and show him various holes in the wall from where I was hit or shoved causing them. The memories don't hurt me, I know that she can never hurt me again. I open my room and the musty smell comes drifting out. I walk in and all the bad memories come flooding back to me. Ryan walks in after me looking at the broken lamp on the floor and how trashed my room was. "Dude did someone burglarize the house?" "No man, this is from the last beating she gave me, the lamp was on my dresser but she threw me into it. That and anything she could get her hands on." I told him. "Dude I had no clue how bad it was for you, does Dad even know?" he asks. "Probably not let's go man I don't want to be in the house anymore." I tell him. As we get into the car Ryan's phone rings, "It's dad." Ryan says. He answers it putting it on speaker. "Hey dad!" we both say. "Hey boys how are things." He asks. "They are good. We just got back from the funeral." Ryan tells him. I motion not to tell him what we are doing. He shakes his head; I relax a little, I don't need him telling me not to go right now. I focus back on the road and where I am going. "That's good boys, so I have good news! Caroline found a doctor who is doing experimental drugs to cure things and one of the medicines that are in trial are to boost the immune system!" he says. "Well what does that mean dad?" Ryan asks. "Well we talked to Kyle about it and he wants to start taking it. See if it makes him start feeling better. There are a few side effects, but Kyle is young so they said it probably would not even affect him." He tells us. "That's good just make sure dad." I tell him. "Yes well I just wanted to see how everything was and to tell you both we miss you guys and love you and are ready for you to come back home." Dad says getting excited on the phone. "We love yall and miss yall too." I say. "Yeah dad, miss and love yall." Ryan says. "Ok boys see you soon." He says and hangs up. "He was excited." I say to Ryan. "He gets like that. I guess especially if this medicine will help Kyle." Ryan says putting up his phone. Five minutes later I pull into the parking lot of the jail. I put the car in park and look over at Ryan, "I need to do this alone. Just please stay in the car. Please." I ask him. He nods, "Ok little bro. I will be waiting for you." He leans in and hugs me. I get out of the car; my stomach is doing somersaults as I approach the door to the jail. I open the door and walk to the front desk where a woman in a blue uniform is sitting at a desk. "How may I help you young man." She says smiling at me. "I am here to see Tammy Cross." I tell her my voice shaky. She taps away on the keyboard of the computer in front of her for a second, "Are you sure you want to see Tammy Cross?" "Yes Ma'am" I tell her. "You must be her son then, she hasn't had any visitors since arriving here and you are the only one on the list of likely visitors." She tells me looking up at me. "Yes, I am her son Chasen Tarrant." I tell her. "Follow me son." She tells me leading me through this door to a room with multiple tables. With one guard at the other end of the room. "Go on and have a seat, Tammy will be here any second, I let them know she had a visitor." She said leaving. As I sit here and wait for my mother to come through the doors, I get really nervous I try and keep my hands from shaking I haven't seen my mother in almost a year...and I am starting to doubt that I was even ready to face her. I see the door open and an officer guides a lady into the room, I get really scared so I look down at the table. I feel her sit down across from me, I look up and see my mother; I expect to see the rage in her eyes that I have always known. It's not there anymore, I have to double look to make sure this is my own mother. She doesn't look like she used too, she is skinnier and older looking, I guess all the detoxing from the lack of alcohol made her look old. She had a lot of gray in her hair. "Chasen, my beautiful boy." She says and reaches across the table and brushes my cheek. I flinch at her touch expecting a blow to the face that she have normally delivered. Instead it was a light touch on the cheek. As soon as she saw me flinch she pulled her hand away. I look at her in the eyes, "Chasen, you look so good." She tells me looking me over. "I just buried a friend of mine." I tell her. "I am sorry honey. I truly am. Was he a close friend?" she asks. "Yeah it was my ex-boyfriend." I tell her. I watch her flinch at that word. "I might get out early! We can start all over again honey. I have been clean, I went to the rehab that they had here." I knew this part would have to come sooner or later, I have been building up the courage since I stepped out of the car. "Actually mom that's why I am here, I live with my father. Who has shown me more love in the last six months than you have in 16 years." I say with no emotion in my voice. "Chasen I was sick very, very sick." She tells me reaching for my hand. "No mother there is no excuse for you drinking so much and beating the living shit out of me every single day! I have scars from you, some have faded away and some that won't ever leave my body. They will remind me of what you did to me, I will never forget. You were no mother to me, you beat me and made me miserable for you own self satisfaction." I tell her with force in my voice. She just puts a hand on her mouth. She doesn't say a word just looks at me with shock in her eyes. I stand up and pull my shirt up and show her the scar that stands out the most, it's from the belt buckle she used on me several times, she reaches out and tries to touch it. "I couldn't have done that." She says in horror. I sit back down, "wrong again mother. I have a few more matching of those courtesy of you. You scared me physically and mentally. I can't have anyone touch me without flinching or fearing that they are going to hit me! I am sick of being scared of others especially the people who actually love and care about me! I am gay mom I know you hate the fact that I am but I have the most wonderful boyfriend back home and I think I love him, and I think he feels the same for me. He is there for me when I relive what you have done, the memories of you beating me, it's him who holds me while I shake and cry." I see the old cold look return to her face, "I will not have a son that is gay!" she hisses at me. I stop myself from flinching, "Your right Tammy, I won't be your son anymore. Caroline has shown me more love than you ever will, she doesn't care that I am gay. She thinks it's perfectly fine. So does dad, who wasn't the horrible person you made him out to be." She makes a sour look on her face, but before she can reply I cut her off. "In fact when I leave here which will be after I finish saying what I need to, you won't ever see me again. You have caused me so much pain in my life and you still have some hold over me, but that ends today. I will no longer be miserable, I have so much to be grateful for and happy about and damnit I will be happy about it." "Well you be happy Chasen living a horrible life as a faggot." She sneers at me. I smile at her and stand up. "Oh I will be, and Tammy I want you to know that I forgive you, for everything you have ever done to me. But don't think I will ever forget it." The look of shock registers across her face; I turn my back to her and walk out of the room. I don't look back at her when I hear the door shut, I let out a breath. I know now that, it is over. I can be happy she has no hold over me. I faced the worst of my demons, my own personal Satan. I am free to live my life, free to love who I want to and nothing to fear but the unknown. I walk out of the door to the outside world, and the sun is shining bright I look up and I know its Tanner smiling down on me. I know he would have been so proud of me. I see Ryan leaning on the car anxiously. "Dude are you ok?" he asks running up to me. I smile at him. "Let's go back to the Garret's man. I am ready to eat, and enjoy myself and I am ready to get home, I miss mom and dad." I tell him. He smiles at me and puts an arm around me, "I like that idea little brother." ----------------------------------------------------------- Hey guys! Well that was ch 8.2 that's four hours of straight work. That's how I spent my super bowl Sunday! Haha it's because I knew everyone was waiting for this chapter and I hope it did not disappoint. This was the most emotionally draining chapter I have ever written, there was a few times I had to take a break because I was almost in tears at the funeral scene. It was real emotional draining because a few years back I lost two friends both in their teens on the same road within 9 months of each other one was a good friend and one was an ex-girlfriend. It was sad to go through that experience and I never wish it to happen to anyone. Please be careful when you are out on the road please don't text and drive I am sorry one text is not worth your life, I think every one's life is more valuable than a text message. Ch. 9 will be back in California! If you haven't checked the yahoo group please do so there are a few things that I have talked about including my next story which I will post more details about in the coming weeks! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ssos_isosg/?yguid=467044529 Sorry guys I took a while to edit this, sorry KD :( KD did a really great job. Just a few things that got me thinking, I wonder how soon we shall see more of Aaron and what shape he'll be in. Disorders are scary things. I truly wonder what kind of side effects the medicine could have on Kyle. Does that mean we get to see more of him :) And lastly Ryan, the support in this chapter, what kind of effect is chasen's past going to have on him? what are things going to be like back home? so many questions :) curse me @ itari@live.ca