Date: Wed, 6 Apr 2011 18:51:16 -0700 (PDT) From: K Davids <k.davids@ymail.com> Subject: Some sense of security/ In search of solid ground-Interlude In Search of Solid Ground-Interlude This story is pure fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of the reader. This story contains sexual contact between to underage males if this is illegal to read where you live then please hit the back button now!! Everything in this story is made up, the names and people are fake: they are not real; I did not base them off people I know! Please do not copy or paste this anywhere else, but please feel free to email me k.davids@ymail.com -------------------------------------------------------------- I have decided to write a short chapter well a POV of Aaron, and a little of what he was feeling when he decided to try and commit suicide, I am going to say this first please forgive me my editor is out, and I am kind of roughing it without an editor for this, so please try to overlook the fact it might not be the best. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I am outside And I've been waiting for the sun With my wide eyes I've seen worlds that don't belong My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize Tell me why we live like this ~We are Broken~ Paramore ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I walk back into my small trailer on the set of this god-forsaken movie, that I was talked into doing. It was an unbearable day yet again here. I met my co-worker the other day well to be specific on my birth day and he was just a dick. Mitchell was just a douche bag to me from the get go. He didn't like the idea of working with me, and he didn't hide that fact at all. I tried to be polite to him, but he was just rude, he didn't feel like he should have to work with a "kid" as he put it considering he was only eighteen and he didn't waste time in letting me know what a fuck up I was when I messed up on a line or forgot one. I sit down on the couch, and put my head in my hands, I try to fight back my tears, but I can't the just overflow from my eyes. I hit the wall out of frustration. It's not the fact I hate Mitch, it's the fact I haven't seen one of my parents and they forgot my own damn birthday. I agreed to do this stupid movie thinking it would bring us closer but I was a stupid fool to think that. Here I am barely sixteen and I have no support system at all from anyone, yeah Chasen calls every now and then but I know he has a life and I just don't want to bug him so much. I have started to make myself puke again; I haven't actually eaten in two days. Not that anyone would notice on the set, I haven't slept either. I am just so stressed I don't know what to do! I tried to talk to my mom, but all she said is that I needed to suck it up and deal with it, and of course that conversation was short because she was needed somewhere. I start to pace the small trailer, and I run my hands through my short hair. I hate this fucking haircut that they made me get for this role. I fought with them over and over about doing this, but in the end my input was shot down. Don't think I haven't tried to talk to Mitch while he was out taking a smoke break I tried to start a conversation, and all he had to says was that I didn't need to try and befriend him. He was a queer and he could tell that I was, that he is doing this role because his agent said it would be a good career move for him and that I didn't need to try and become friends with him because he wasn't here for that shit. I am so lonely I can't stand it anymore! It is like I don't even exist to anyone that I am just some stupid kid, and that's it! At least back home in Florida the Garret's showed, and even said that they loved me. I don't even know the last time my mother told me she had loved me. I saw my mom on my birthday; she came by the trailer and asked how my lines were going. I figured she would tell me happy birthday, and tell me we were going out to eat but nothing just asked how I was doing and then her phone rang and that's it. She walked out and that was like a week or so, fuck I don't even know what day it is. I wasn't in a good place right now I just didn't care about my health I promised Chasen that I would eat right, but I guess I failed at that as well. I didn't even realize that I started to make myself throw up, I mean before I knew it I was back in front of the toilet sticking my finger down my throat. Which I am sure my dentist will say something because of the acid from my bile isn't good for my braces, but I don't give a damn what he says. I decide to call Troy I miss him so much, I haven't talked to him in a while; I pick up my phone and dial his number. "Hello?" I hear him say. "Hey, dude what are you doing?" I ask happy to hear a voice I know. "Smoking, why what are you doing?" he asks as he takes a drag that I can hear through the phone/ "What are you smoking?" I ask not sure if I want to know. "Weed." He says simply. I sit back down on the couch, "Dude what the hell are you doing smoking that stuff?" "Enjoying it that's what I am doing, besides in none of your concern your off being a movie star." He spits out at me. "Dude what do you think Tanner would even say!" I spit back at him. "News flash freak Tanner is dead." He says without emotion. I let out a sigh, "that is pretty harsh Troy." "It's just the truth so what are you doing?" he asks. "Nothing just sitting in my trailer, not wanting to go back to the set in fifteen minuets." I tell him. I hear him chuckle, "You are such a little bitch man, you complain cause mommy doesn't love me, then when they ask you to do something like becoming a movie star you bitch about that. So please spare me the boo hoo no one loves me act, cause I don't want to hear it." As he says this it stings, it feels like someone punched me in the stomach, I hated this new Troy, ever since Tanner's funeral he started to hang with these stupid low life kids and he started to become mean, and hateful to me. We actually got into a fight before I left he hit me. "You don't have to be so mean." I whisper. "Look Aaron fucking suck up your little pity party act ok, I don't want to hear it better yet I don't want to hear you. I have had to deal with you for so long, first your mothers pawning you off on my parents, and then you trying to replace me as a son to them. Why don't you just fucking call them instead." He says yelling at me. "Dude I don't know what you are even talking about your being crazy, maybe you need to stop doing that stuff man, your not making sense." I try to tell him. He mimics me, "Your not making any sense at all!" he whines, "Aaron just fucking go kill your self maybe then mommy will pay attention to you, lord knows it has helped Tanner so much since he died that's all my parents can think about!" he shouts at me. "Troy, stop please." I beg him. "Fuck yourself you fucking faggot!" and hangs up the phone. I sit there looking at my phone I don't even know what I did to even start this arguing with him....he just hasn't been himself in so long, I think he is just lashing out at anyone that happens to try and care. The tears are flowing slowly now, somehow in my fucked up head all I can hear is him saying I should just kill myself. Is that what he wanted? Would it even matter if I did? I walk over to the sink, and look out the window and that's where I spot it, the razor blade, and I can't stop the images that are flashing through my head. To just take it and do it, just one swift movement and all this suffering can just end. I don't even realize I picked the razor up in my left hand, I slowly place it on my right wrist.....I put pressure and I feel the skin break and I drag it across, and instantly the blood seeps from the cut. I am shaking so bad, and fighting the tears, that just won't fucking stop! I can't stop myself now that I started I take the razor and jam it to my left wrist and slice it across and blood starts to pour out of the cut. I drop the razor blade, and I am shaking so bad I can't even comprehend anything; I start to see in double. I try to walk to the door, and I fall flat to the floor right next to the door. I just lay there the pain assaulting me, and I don't think this was right, but I did it.... I lay looking up at the ceiling, and my vision starts to darken, I guess this is it...I hear the door open and a blood curdling scream emitted from a female. I hear her talking fast. But I can't understand what she is saying. I can barely see her moving to the side of me putting pressure on my wrist I feel the burning, and then everything goes black. I couldn't open my eyes, they were so heavy, but I could feel myself being lifted up. It felt as if I was on a bed, I didn't know if I was dead yet or not. I kept hearing murmuring and felt a sting in my arm. I tried to move but I couldn't I heard more shouting and I couldn't focus anymore..... I finally open my eyes just barely I am in a dim room, I see my mom asleep with her head on the bed I am in, I tried to reach her, but I couldn't my arms just wouldn't move. I slowly tilt my head and saw there was a restraint on my forearm, I tilt my head to the left side and it's the same, the room is spinning.... I feel someone touching my forehead I open an eye, and its my mom, "oh baby your awake!" she says. I just look at her not knowing what to say, I still feel the restraints on my arms, I feel a pain shoot through my arms, as I try and move them, I can't deal with the pain instantly tears are forming in my eyes, I hear the monitor start to beep and a nurse comes rushing in. "No honey, calm down ok? We can't have you moving around you lost a lot of blood, I see her inject something into the IV and I feel the darkness surround my vision. I wake up to a different nurse, she is skinny and brown hair, and she is unwrapping my wrists, "What are you doing?" I croak out. I startled her, "I didn't know you were awake, I am changing the dressing on your wrists and checking to see how the stitches are, and putting ointment on it to make sure there is no infection." I look at her but I can't really see what my wrists look like, "I wasn't awake at first your hands are cold." She smiles, and moves over to my left hand and starts to unwrap it as well, "So you could feel in the right hand?" she asks. I look at her perplexed, "yeah." "Can you feel my hands?" she says placing them on my fingers of my left hand. I get a confused look on my face, "I can't really feel anything but with my pointing finger and my thumb, the rest don't feel cold or warmth." I tell her. The smile isn't there anymore, "That's what the doctor feared, and you did a number on your left wrist, and nicked some nerves. He said you might not have much feeling in this hand." "They can't fix that?" I asked getting worried. "They tried, but it's very complicated. Do you want me to get your mother she has been here awhile trying to catch you awake..." she says. "Yeah." I say. The nurse fetches my mom, and I see Pam poke her head into the door for a quick second, of course the phone is glued to her ear, the nurse puts some cream on my wrists were the stitches are and starts to wrap them up again.... "My baby, I have been worried about you so much, what was going through your head? Why didn't you call me?" She asks trying to hold back tears. This is the most I have ever seen her show so much emotion to me. "I tried." I croak out. I see the tears slip from her eyes, and roll down here check, she kisses me on the cheek, "I am so sorry baby." She says. She pulls a chair up and holds my left hand, I don't say anything I just lay there looking around the room, my guess is they are going to finally let me stay awake. It bugs me that I don't have feeling in my left hand except for two fingers. I mentally curse my self. Inside my head is a storm of guilt and shame, I wished these fucking restraints weren't on me. I hate that my mom isn't saying anything, I can't stand this silence, my own mind is eating me alive.... I see my mother check her phone and walk out of my room, I just let out a sigh, I waited for her to come back in the room but she didn't I stared at the clock on my wall and the door finally opened, but it wasn't my mom it was Chasen. I felt shame wash over me like a fire, I shut my eyes tight to stop the tears, I feel him brush his hand over my forehead and my hair, and I open my eyes to meet his piercing blue ones that were staring right back into mine, it was like he saw right into my swirling hurricane of shame and guilt through my eyes. I try to speak but I just cough out, I didn't realize how dry my throat was, he reaches to the pitcher of water and pours it into a cup and puts a straw in it, "Drink it slowly." He says. I listen to him, the cold water hitting my tongue and mouth felt amazing to me, I didn't realize how thirsty I was.... "I'm sorry..." I croak out. "Why didn't you call me little man?" he asks. At that moment so much shame washed over me I couldn't stand to look in his eyes, I avoided them...I think he knew how I felt he just touched my cheek and kissed my forehead. "I will come back tomorrow." he says. I watch him leave my room, and I can't think of anything to even say right now. I try not to cry, but once more the tears slip through my defense..... -----------------------------The following day------------------------------- I wake up to a gently shaking on my shoulder it's Chasen, but he isn't alone. I see Braiden, Mr. and Mrs. Tarrant as well as my mom, but not Pam. "Hey little man." Chasen says sitting on side of my bed. My mom looks like crap, she doesn't look like she slept at all, and I look at Braiden who has a worried look on his face. Mr. Tarrant moves closer to the bed. "Well Aaron, you have given everyone a scare, but we have talked with both of your mothers and we worked something out." He says looking at me. I don't meet his eyes, I can't. I figure I would see just how he felt about me, how stupid I was. "Ok...." I let out. "You are going to come home with us." He announces. I look at him, "No, I don't want to just be shipped to a friends house like before." I say try to sit up. "Your not being shipped anywhere, Caroline and I are adopting you." He says smiling. I just look at him and I start to cry, I don't know weather I am happy or sad about this, I think it's because I am happy, "You don't need to do this, because you feel sorry for me." I choke out. Mrs. Tarrant moves to speak to me, "Baby this isn't supposed to seem that way, me and my husband care about you. We want you to be happy we don't want to see this happen again." I look over to my mom, "It's for the best Aaron, they can give you stability that me and Pam cannot." She says. She doesn't even look sad when she says it, I feel Chasen grab my hand, I feel the warmth from his hand on mine, but he grabbed my right hand, "You are going to be my little brother." He says smiling. I just start to cry I couldn't hold it back anymore, all this pent up sadness just came spilling out, I tried to slow my breathing down, but couldn't. I saw a nurse rush in. "Ok, everyone out! He is getting to upset." She says rushing over to the monitor that is beeping. "I need you to calm down ok, I am going to inject some morphine into your IV I am sure you are fixing to feel a burning sensation from your wrist..." I don't pay attention to her, instead I am watching Braiden hold Chasen as they watch the nurse, and I feel the drugs start to kick in.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I hope you enjoyed this POV to see what led up to the events of Aaron trying to commit suicide, PLEASE IF YOU HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS PLEASE CONTACT SOMEONE AND TALK TO THEM! THERE ARE PLENTY OF SUICIDE HOTLINES. WE DON'T NEED TO LOSE ANYONE TO SUICIDE. Again I apologize for the story not being edited, Ty is out right now and I felt I needed to post something. I am busy getting things prepared for Looking for Tomorrow. I think it will be the best part yet. Thanks for all the support KD