Date: Sun, 4 Jan 2004 19:35:13 -0800 (PST)
From: Josh Paomer <liajfsp1212@yahoo.com>
Subject: Song of Spirits part 1

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction that depicts graphic sexual acts
between male teenagers. Any similarities between characters or events are
purely coincidental. If this subject offends you, is illegal in the area
you are residing in, and/or you are under 18, then don't read it.

Author's note: You guys have probably heard it hundreds of times, but I'm
only going to say this once: this is my first story so please be kind. Of
course constructive criticism is always welcome and appreciated!

Part 1

"Hey Fag, hope you enjoyed your summer because you're going to go through
hell this year." A voice sneered behind me while I was putting my stuff
into my locker. I sighed. Josh Cantik. My very own personal tormentor, him
and about 10 of his sidekicks have probably signed some blood contract that
vowed to never go through a day without making mine as miserable as
possible.

"Gee, thanks for the heads up. I'd love to spend more time with you too." I
said turning around. He was about 6'3" and built like the football player
that he is. He could probably throw me across the school without breaking a
sweat.

He shoved me, hard into my locker. "Fucking twerp, I'm gonna beat you to
pulp the next time I see you."

With that little speech of the day, he and his little followers fled from
my holy sight. I groaned, rubbing the back of my head. This year sure as
hell certainly will be interesting.

This all happened earlier this summer when he found out I was gay when he
and his minions caught Troy and I in one of our little passionate displays
of affection. I haven't gotten beat up yet, but I knew without a doubt,
it's coming perhaps even today. Great, don't you just love the first day of
school? My best friend since second grade, Brendan moved away this summer,
and Troy got transferred to a private school so he wouldn't get harassed.
Well what about me? I've suddenly got no friend or boyfriend here to keep
my sanity in check.

I buzzed through my classes, feeling really out of it. In fact I barely
remember the day passing by. What was I thinking about? Trash. I am like
the biggest daydreamer in the world. I mean, seriously with such an active
imagination, my mind is rarely ever where I am. So I wasn't being sarcastic
when I say Troy and Brendan kept me sane. When people talk to me, I usually
catch myself and come back into reality, but when nothing attracts my
attention, it's like I go off into the world of unknown and unreal. Most of
the adventures in my head end up in writing, I love to write, to be able to
control and create a world that fits my idea of life. Sometimes though, a
certain daydream leaves me with a feeling, a certain emotion and I end up
having to draw or paint in order to try and capture this feeling forever on
paper when words just can't do the trick. Yeah, I know I'm a dork.

Actually, I think I started obsessively daydreaming when I was eight or
something; my mom died and my dad was left with five kids, all of whom were
boys. He just completely gave up on life in a way. He started to drink and
gamble and all that shit until we became broke and moved to the run down
shack that is currently known as "home." Well fortunately my youngest
brother was16, oldest (Ian, Julian, and Brent are triplets) were18 at the
time. Unfortunately for me though, I was the youngest: eight years old at
the time and it seemed like suddenly everyone just sort of forgot me.
Nobody really wanted to take care of me so I ended up developing survival
skills pretty early in my life. Then my dad had gotten abusive after Kyle
moved out two years later and I was about 10. I don't know exactly how it
started. I think he was drunk one night and started crying and screaming
for my mom. When I tried to comfort him, he started hitting and kicking me,
taking out his anger on me. When he got sober, he felt horrible for it and
the more horrible he felt, the more he felt like he needed to take it out
on me as a punching bag whenever he drank. It was a horrible cycle that I
eventually got used to.  Anyway I think the only reason why I'm alive is
because I always had an outlet. I can always tune everything in my life out
and travel to a different world, catching a ride with the imagination
boat. I know, sounds pathetic and maybe even weird, but as I read later,
many troubled kids actually seek this alternate way to suicide.

So back to what I was saying before, I went through the day all dandy and
mellow and then guess what happened when I was walking out of the bathroom
about to leave for home? That's right, Josh happened. I was washing my
hands when he came in by himself. Seeing me, he suddenly had this smirk on
his face and I got this feeling that I wasn't going to be able to go home
walking today.

I tried to ignore him but when I tried to step away from him, he barred the
door with his arm and then locked it against the outside. My heart was
beating so hard I can feel it pounding in my chest but damned if I was
going to show it.

"Nuh-uh, you didn't think you were just going to float through the day did
you?" He asked. I hated the stupid glint in his eyes when he knows he's got
me cornered.

"Josh, you don't have to do this. I mean, with all the extra attention you
show, I may think you actually liked me." Ok, I gotta learn to keep my
mouth shut sometimes. But at least I got it out with a nonchalant tone.

He gave a grin that said you have no idea what you're talking about. "Blow
me."  I was so shocked, I couldn't even move. It was only when he started
shoving me onto my knees that I snapped out of a daydream that obviously
followed with any traumatizing emotion or event.

"Wait. What? Are you a fag?" I asked in surprise, backing away from his
reach. That was either bravery or foolishness, though sometimes there's
little difference between the two.

Anger clouded his face and the next thing I know, I was on the dirty
bathroom floor with a ringing sound in my ear. I groaned and flipped over
and found him standing over me, pushing his boxers down his legs. Holy shit
he's actually serious. No fucking way. I mean, what was he? Crazy?

I struggled through the haze and tried to roll away but he stepped hard on
my shoulder, forcing me onto my back.

"Josh, you fucking idiot, If you think I'm going to willingly suck you off,
you're even stupider than I thought. I'm gonna fucking bite it off if you
shove that in my mouth." That earned me another punch but while I was
struggling from passing out, I did experience the satisfaction of seeing
him a bit unsure. He seemed to pause above me before starting to swear at
me and call me obscene names. Sticks and stones, dude.

"You fucking faggot, I'm gonna fuck you until you bleed!' He screamed at
me. For some reason, that sent me over the edge. I was beyond fear, if he
wanted to do it, I couldn't stop him, but I sure as hell wasn't going to
just lay there and let him.

He reached down to rip my pants off but I brought my legs up and nailed him
in the midsection sending him crashing into a sink. I started to get up,
but for some reason, besides the unbelievable headache I had, I couldn't
seem to focus at all, everything was really disorienting and I couldn't
even seem to think straight. It was weird, I mean I've been knocked around
plenty of times but usually I just got a little dizzy and got over it with
a headache. But this time, despite the fact that I knew I had to get away,
knew I had something urgent to do, but I couldn't figure out what it was
and where I was or why I was running.

I got up onto my feet and crashed into the wall, I tried to stand up
straight but my balance was all wrong. By this time, Josh had recovered. He
rammed into me and before I had time to even figure out what had hit me, I
was on the bathroom floor again with kicks landing everywhere on me. I was
so far gone after awhile, I didn't even notice he'd stopped. The next thing
I know, there's this unbelievably horrendous pain in my ass that literally
felt like I was being split apart. It felt like he'd taken all the pain
that I've ever experienced in my life and put it all together and shoved it
into me. I heard myself scream, the first time in all of this, and I
couldn't stop. It was like hearing someone else, the scream just went on
and on until all that came out was hoarse rasping, but still I was trying
to scream as loud as I could with each thrust.  I felt tears course down my
face, before everything just sort of went numb and I went into the blessed
oblivion.


My eyelids felt so heavy, so so heavy, and I wanted nothing more than to
just sink back into the darkness. But I knew, I knew it was time to go
on. It was either this or death. I don't think I really made a conscious
decision because I'm sure if I thought about it, I would have given up and
chose death, but my body chose for me.

There was a really bright light that took me a few moments to adjust
to. Then I saw Troy by my side, holding my hand but fast asleep. I felt
weak, so weak but I managed to squeeze his hand slightly. He came awake
almost instantly; he always had been a light sleeper. I smiled from the
dazed look in his vibrant green eyes.  "Cerulean? Oh my God, you're awake!
Oh baby, I've missed you so much!" He jumped to life. My name, yeah
actually I think that's the first time my name was mentioned. And yeah,
it's Cerulean. I know I know, it's weird as hell, and I'll explain later on
how anyone came up with that.

My throat hurt really bad, dry and I don't know how to explain it, really
heavy. But no pain, no pain at all. Everything was just completely numb.
But I tried to smile; I tried to reassure him that I was fine. But when I
tried to speak, nothing came out but air. Finally I mouthed, "I love you."

There were tears in his eyes, "I love you too Cerulean, I love you so
much. I- I thought I'd lost you..." His voice broke and tears coursed down
his face. I noticed there was an old bruise on his cheek. I reached a hand
out and gently traced the bruise, wiping away the tears. "I"m sorry, I'm so
sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there..." He was sobbing now. I felt so bad. I
wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't have stopped it if
he wanted to. I tried to talk, but again nothing but air came out of my
mouth. I ran a hand over my throat. The flesh was tender but where my
Adam's apple should have been, it was completely smooth, like there was
nothing there.

Troy saw my action, and he sobbed even louder. "It's all my fault. I tried
though. I was waiting for you after school...I wanted to surprise you so we
could go out on a date later. When you didn't come out of the school, I
went in to look for you. But I was too late...too late. H-he'd already-" He
became incoherent with sobs. The memories had actually finally settled in
now and I could feel tears gliding down my own cheeks. When I tried to
reach out a hand further to comfort him, something bound my arms to the
bed. It was then that I realized I was completely strapped down.

Troy saw what I was trying to do and once again tried to start on the
memories, "You had a concussion and-"

Just then, a nurse walked in, "I'm going to have to ask you to leave now
Mr. Marcus. Welcome back, Cerulean is it?"

I nodded, and Troy said a tearful goodbye promising to come back as soon as
they let him.  The nurse started checking on the IV and the life support
machines. The doctor walked in, and elderly looking man. He greeted me, and
then studied my chart.

"Okay Cerulean, I'm going to tell you what happened, and then a police
officer will be with you shortly to discuss the incident."

Ah, so now it's known as the 'incident.' Why won't they just say the word
rape?

"You suffered a concussion that unfortunately due to other head injuries,
made the situation worse. There were four broken ribs, two of which pierced
your left lung." He sighed, sitting down at the edge of the bed. "There was
internal bleeding within the rectum as well as the presence of semen. You
will be discussing that in further detail with the police officer."

I tried to say something, but again, nothing came out. "Fortunately there
was no permanent damage in your brain but...there were difficulties in
surgery when we tried to repair a throat injury.  I'm afraid; you won't
have proper use of your voice for a while. At least until we perform more
surgeries which will follow your initial recovery.

He waited for this to sink in. I was crying again, I was never going to be
able to speak again. I struggled weakly to turn to my side but the straps
held me down securely.

"You woke up a couple of days ago and you were very violent, we had to
suppress you so that you did not injure yourself. Due to possible
psychological damage, your friend's family Brendan Cane has provided you
support at a recovery ward where you will receive psychological help that
will hopefully let you recover sooner. You will leave immediately after we
run a few more tests."

I think he said more but I couldn't hear anything anymore. This has got to
be the icing on the cake, I mean here I am, half dead after going through
one of the most traumatizing events of my life just to be told that I will
no longer be able to speak and then will be sent away from everything in my
life to a mental institution. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, I
think actually I was just numb. I don't think I really got it yet, haven't
absorbed the information.

The doctor was saying something, poking my eye for some reason. I kind of
wanted to respond but I was in one of my daydreams or at the moment, maybe
a day mare. Little was I to know it was soon going to be reality.



"Now, this is going to be your room. A staff will be here to give you your
medications in the morning and right before bedtime. Free time will be from
2:00pm to 6:00. Lights are out promptly at 9:00 and mandatory quiet time
starts at 10:00 pm till 4:00 am. A doctor will be working with you during
the rest of the time. You got any questions?"

I shook my head. " Alright, why don't you get settled in, I will come and
get you in about half an hour so you can join the other boys for lunch."
She left with a fake smile on her face.

I sat on the bed and looked at the room. It was small room where the bed
took up half of the space. There was a window next to the bed that
outlooked the play ground and basketball courts. There was a couple of kids
out of there, mostly younger than I was though. I sighed, not that I'm
going to be making friends here or something. I turned my attention back to
my bag and started to put my clothes into the small wardrobe that was
provided. Besides the necessities, I brought along a small stone that my
mother had gave me before she died. It was a deep ocean blue that was
divided in half by a ring of bright gold that circled around the middle.
She told me that this was the reason she named me Cerulean, because my eyes
were the exact same shade as the stone, my hair the perfect blush of gold.
Her grandfather whom she was very close to gave it to her. She told me that
whenever I felt lonely or scared, the magical powers in this stone would
protect me everywhere I go. I smiled thinking of the days when I used to
pretend that if I held onto the stone long enough, my mom would come back
to me. How wrong I was.

Almost immediately after I woke up from my coma, the agencies started to
call in. Expressing their condolences and worries until they learned that I
was no longer able to talk...or sing. Then they had ditched me, thrown me
away like garbage. I had cried, my mind on the edge of panic as I realized
my only way out of the hell hole I called life had been stripped away along
with my innocence that fateful day. Music had been my way out, my way of
coping with everything in my life since my mom left, and when I found out
that several agencies wanted to sign me on as the next star of America,
life had suddenly took on a new meaning. It was as if I actually cared
about the things around me because I had a goal in life, I had a reason in
which to live. The agencies had absolutely loved me, they loved my voice,
my shy personality, and my looks. How fake it all was. I actually thought
somebody cared about me. As a person.

I was snapped out of my daydream as a knock sounded on my door. Before I
had time to respond, it opened to reveal the nurse that had been here a
while ago. I didn't realize it had been half an hour already; I must have
sat there with my hands clenching the stone during almost all that time.

"Are you ready?" She asked. I nodded, even though I wasn't. I don't think I
was ready to face the world, to face other people. All I wanted to do was
crawl in bed and be left alone for an eternity.

I followed her through a maze of hallways before we came to this really big
room, maybe a quarter size of a football stadium that was filled with
hundreds of people. The kids there were mostly my age, some younger, some
older but basically the same age range that any normal high school would
have.

"Go ahead and get in line to grab a meal, you are free to leave for free
time as soon as you are finish eating. If you need any help, go to any of
the adults."  Some woman called to the nurse and she left without another
word, laughing and holding her arms out for a hug from another nurse. I
looked dismally around the room, at the hundreds of people lined up for
food, some of whom were eating in small clusters and groups. Despite the
fact that there were so many people here, I don't think I've ever felt so
lonely before in my life.

Slowly, I made my way to the end of the line, behind a bunch of boys that
were about a year or two older than me. They were laughing at something and
was completely absorbed in their conversation while I started to space out,
thinking about what it would have been like if the agencies had let me
become a star.

"Hey, you new here?" A voice interrupted my thoughts. I snapped out of my
pleasant make belief world and looked up toward the origin of the voice.
The guy had short dark hair that fell slightly over his vibrant hazel
eyes. He seemed to be startled when I looked up, but it did nothing to faze
his perfect face. By now almost all of his companions were staring at me
weirdly.

I didn't know what to do so I just nodded, hoping they would leave me
alone.  "Oh, well my name is Jake, and this here is Derrick, Jason, Zack,
and Monkey Face." The last guy that was mentioned, a six ft tall, very good
looking guy shoved Jake as they all cracked up. He looked back at me and
said, "My name is Beau."

I smiled timidly, and I realized that this was the first time that a
genuine smile had touched my lips since the incident. Geez, even I'm
starting to refer to it as "The Incident."

They looked at me again, and I realized they were expecting my name. I
blushed and nervously tapped my throat and shook my hands.

Jake looked at me quizzically for a moment and then said, "Oh! You can't
speak?"

I shook my head and then looked down at the floor. I knew they wouldn't
want to hang out with me anymore, I mean after all I can't even talk
normally.

"Well, why don't you grab a lunch and then sit down with us so we can get
to know you better. Maybe you can write down what you want to say or
something." Jake said after a moment. I looked up in surprise and smiled
again, nodding my head eagerly. I was so glad they were going to give me a
chance. All his friends seemed really nice too as they grabbed a lunch and
sat down. I went through the line, grabbing just a sandwich and water
before I joined Jake and his buddies.

As I approached the table, I felt a bit of apprehension as the group
started laughing at something. They seemed so close and...I don't know,
together that I felt a little intimidated. But before I had time to
consider my other options, Jake waved me over. He made a spot between
himself and Beau and I sat down nervously.

"So what's your name?" Derrick asked. I quickly took out a notepad and a
pen and wrote down my name.

"Cerulean? Is that how you pronounce it?" Jake asked, looking at a card.
The guys all tried out the sound of my name. I nodded that it was correct.
He smiled warmly, "It fits you."

I was surprised with his response. I've never had anyone tell me that
before. I quickly scribbled down a thank you.

"So how old are you?" Jason asked. He had a really deep voice that kinda
didn't fit the boyish face.

I wrote down, 16. Then hesitating slightly, I wrote; how long have you all
been here?

"Beau and I have been here for two years. We've been best friends even
before we got sent here actually." Jake said taking a bite out of his food.

"I've been here for 6 months." Jason said.

"About a year." Derrick responded.

"Going on my second year too." Zack answered.

I nodded, curious about why they were sent here. Jake must have read my
mind or something because he said, "We don't have any mental problems. This
'hospital' is just sort of a place where teens that had received very
traumatic impact is sent to where there are resources to help them if they
want it, and a place to start out and make some new friends.

I nodded again, understanding. Well at least they didn't think I was crazy
or something.

The rest of the dinner went by very quick. After the initial introductions,
they all treated me like I'd been a friend with them for years or
something. They joked around and were very patient with me when I had to
write things down.

Afterwards, they went out into the basketball courts to shoot some hoops.
I'm not very good at these types of sports, there's a reason why I stick
with running you know? So, I told them I'd see them later and decided to
take a tour of the place. It was a very big yard, but it reminded me so
much of a jail if not for the fact that all the kids wore different clothes
instead of orange uniforms. There was about six basketball courts, a couple
of tennis courts, a track, and an actual playground where some of the
younger kids hung out. By now most of the kids were out in the yard after
dinner, just hanging out in clusters of groups. There were several stares
from some of the people there but I walked on, fascinated by seemingly a
little piece of heaven on Earth. I mean after all, it seemed like besides
the few lectures from shrinks and whatnot, this place was like funland.
Okay, bad choice of word but I'm still a kid okay?

I kind of wanted to go around the building and explore the whole premises,
which was why I wandered out further than I should. I should have turned
around when the crowds became sparse and shadows created by the building in
the setting sun became more frequent but I was so deeply in thought in one
of my daydreams that I didn't realize somebody was following me. I was
standing at the edge of a creek, looking into the trickling water when I
heard a twig snap behind me. Startled, I turned around to find a tall, lean
guy standing behind me. He had a head of auburn hair that glowed with the
light of the dying sun, and a smile that was just a bit too confident for
my taste.

"Hey cutie, didn't mean to scare ya. Just wanted to meet you away from the
crowd." He said, slowly making his way toward me. I looked around and
belatedly realized that there was no one within sight. I backed away a bit,
butterflies crawling in my stomach frantically.

When I didn't say anything, he took it as an invitation to approach me.
"You have got to be the prettiest boy I've ever seen before in my life." He
paused, looking at me intently with the same smile playing on his lips.
"Your eyes are so intense! I've never seen that color blue before in my
life." He chuckled, "Are you sure you didn't fall from heaven?"

He was very close to me now and I was seriously freaking out, but at the
same time a small part of me was thinking, that was the cheesiest pick up
line I've ever heard!

I slipped on the rock and almost fell in but he grabbed my arm and hauled
me away from the edge. I was tugging incessantly on my arm, trying to losen
up my grip and put some distance between us.

"Hey, hey! Calm down will you? I'm not going to hurt you!" He said giving
me a slight shake. Flashbacks went through my head, and I went totally limp
in defeat. I'll just do whatever this guy wants and maybe he'll leave me
alone when he's done. As much as I tried to calm my mind down though, I
couldn't keep the trembling from going through my body.

"That's better, I won't hurt you...yet." He laughed. I wasn't sure if it
was a joke or not.

"Anyway, what's your name?" He asked. Without looking at him, I took out
the card that I had written my name on earlier. He looked at it.

"Are you mute or something?"

I nodded, feeling a pang of shame.

He laughed and said, "Alright, well I'll leave you alone if you give me a
kiss."

I looked at him in shock, but he just laughed and using his grip on my arm,
he pulled me flush against his body. I started to fight him but he wrapped
an arm around my waist, pulling me hard into him. Despite his lean
physique, he was strong, much stronger than I was. His other hand locked
around my jaw, forcing my face upward as he dipped down.

"Make it good." He whispered, his breath fanning on my lips a hairline away
from touching my mouth.

His lips engulfed me and it wasn't the tender kiss that I had always
received from Troy that had been coaxing, relaxing, and warm. Although the
kiss wasn't brutaly bruising, it was wild and passionate, forcing my mouth
open so he could suck on my tongue. I don't know how long it lasted but
when he finally broke away, I noticed the sun had set and it was fairly
dark now.

I gasped, amazed at the sensation that coursed through my body. He opened
his eyes and for the first time I noticed he had pale baby blue eyes. He
stared at me intently for a moment, and then I realized that he was
sporting a fairly large erection that was pressed into my stomach. I backed
away hurriedly, a blush creeping up my cheeks against my wish.

He chuckled softly, stepping behind me and holding me around the waist, his
hips grinding into my ass. "Alright well a promise made is a promise kept
but don't be expecting that to be the end of it."

With that, he turned and walked away leaving me strangely cold and lonely.

I sat there for a little bit longer trying to sort through my emotions
before I made my way back just in time for the mandatory quiet time.