Date: Sun, 21 Mar 2004 08:00:42 -0800 (PST)
From: Josh Paomer <liajfsp1212@yahoo.com>
Subject: Song of Spirits part 3

Disclaimer: This story contains extremely disturbing somewhat graphic
violence. (Disturbing in the Crime and Punishment by Doestoevsky kind of
way). Despite how the story is going so far, this will be a fiction account
of love between two teenage boys. So if this subject offends you, or you
are not 18 or older, or this type of stuff is illegal where you are
residing, then don't read it. Any similarities between characters and
events to other stories or real life situations are purely coincidental.

Song of Spirits Part 3

My eyes fluttered open and were instantly assaulted by the bright light
that lit the room somewhere from my left. It felt as if my head weighed 20
times heavier than it should. There was a general pain/ache throughout my
body that was somewhat dulled and yet I was very much aware that I was
barely floating above the pain and agonies that threatened to drag me down
into a screaming pit. The beeping of the monitor next to me confirmed my
suspicions that I was again in a hospital. Why is it I always wake up in a
hospital? It's like if I ever doubted where I am when I wake up, I can
safely assume it's the hospital because 9 out of 10 times it's going to be
accurate.

My throat hurt and I glanced around carefully for signs of water. The
lights were getting better to see through, I realized that the room was
actually very dimly lit. Slowly I moved my head to the left and I swear it
felt like somebody had placed 100 pounds on my head to weigh it down. I was
so weak it literally hurt.

I caught sight of something dark by my hand and I realized it was the shape
of someone's head. Slowly I squeezed the hand that was clasped to mine and
almost instantly the person looked up. It was Jake, still somewhat dazed
from sleep. He looked around wildly for a second, unsure of what had woke
him up but as his eyes settled on mine, and he let out a big cry of joy
before literally pouncing on me.

"You're awake! C, I can't believe you're awake! Holy shit, how are you
feeling? Oh wait, I have to call the nurses!" He was moving and talking so
fast my mind could barely keep up with him. Deep down though, I was glad to
see him. His hazel eyes had haunted my dreams, his voice haunted my head,
the way he smiled melted my heart...Dammmit, I'm falling in love.

At the same time, his actions startled me somewhat. His excitement that I
had woken up probably meant something serious had happened. Unfortunately,
I couldn't remember anything. Well, except for the dreams of course.

He had signaled the nurses through the intercom and was back by my side in
a flash. I looked up into his concerned eyes that were rimmed slightly with
dark circles and felt my heart soar.

"How do you feel? Do you need anything?"

I moved my lips and formed the word water. He instantly disappeared from my
view in search of some.

"Ok, um hold on a sec. I think there was some...oh here's the
pitcher. Wait, maybe I should wait until the nurses get here." He said that
just as a nurse came in through the door. She was an old lady that had what
I suspected was a permanent scowl on her face. She checked the stats on the
monitors and recorded them on her little clipboard.

"He wants some water, can I give him some water?" Jake asked.

"Yes. Only a little bit though." She said without looking up.

Jake got a little tiny cup and poured a bit down my throat. I was having
trouble swallowing, it felt like my throat and tongue was swollen, but he
went slowly and I got most of it down. I felt instantly better. He set the
cup away and turned back to me, playing worriedly with my hair. I don't
think he even noticed he was doing that but it felt good so I didn't say
anything. It did bring a faint smile to my lips though.

I watched the nurse mill around the room and a moment later, a doctor came
in. He was really friendly and basically just asked me how I was feeling
and stuff. I told him I was feeling a little bit weak and after some more
questions, he made Jake get out of the room so I can rest some more. I fell
asleep almost immediately.

The next time I woke up, I was thinking a little bit more clearly. Jake was
again there to greet me when I opened my eyes. It was a few minutes after I
woke up that I saw the bandages along my arms. I was really puzzled about
this and wanted to ask someone what had happened but Jake couldn't stay
very long so I didn't have time to ask him.

The doctor came in again and he had the nurses change the bandages on my
arms. When they removed the bandages, I was surprised to find 7 cuts that
spanned along my wrist to my elbow.

Believe it or not, it took me a while to realize what the cuts
indicated. Actually I think if the doctor hadn't sat down on the bed and
looked at me with these really concerned intense eyes and asked me if I
remembered, I still would have been clueless. And to answer the question,
no, no I don't remember anything that happened but I know I tried to kill
myself. Well, then afterwards they just sort of left me hanging there. I
couldn't speak and the muscles in my arms were too damaged for me to use
them to write, so they just sort of turned my whole life upside down and
then just left me there to work things out in my own twisted mind.

And trust me, when you have as much time as I had on your hands and you had
nothing else to do except to contemplate the depth of your own insanity,
your mind will come up with some seriously fucked up things.

I don't know how long I was there at the hospital but the following day,
they cleared me and I was sent back to the psychiatric ward thing I was in
before I ended up at the hospital. I got a new room, next to Jake's
actually, so that totally made my day and cheered me up. They wouldn't let
anyone else visit me besides Jake, and I was definitely okay with that. He
came to my room that night after we had all eaten.

"Hey dude, how you feelin'?" He asked as he bounced into the room and onto
my bed. I smiled brightly and adjusted the small laptop that Derrick let me
borrow so I could type everything I wanted to say.

"A lot better." I typed quickly.

His smile turned into an expression of concern and he sat up, staring at me
with those amazing eyes. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You just asked one."

"Smart aleck." He said and broke into a brief smile. When I nodded my head
warily though, he continued, "Why did you do it?"

I sighed and leaned back into the pillows, my hands hovering over the
keyboard. I knew that if I ever told anyone anything, it would be to Jake
and I kind of wanted to let it all out, but at the same time, I was so
afraid to do just that. Afraid that he was going to see how absolutely
messed up I was and just turn away.

"I don't know." I finally typed.

He read that and he looked at me with a frustrated look. "You don't know?
Was it the anti-depressant stuff they were giving you? I swear all the
drugs they load into us will end up canceling each other out or-"

"No, I don't think it had anything to do with the medicine they were giving
me. I just don't remember why I did it. Hell, I don't even remember
actually doing it."

"Oh." He said with a slightly disappointed look. He sat up on the bed and
leaned against the wall. For the first time, I saw him as a teenager, as
another person who was suffering and going through his own demons. I think
I've always just looked up to him and admired him so much that he became
the image of perfection in my mind.

There was a long but not really awkward silence as we both contemplated
different things. I shifted around and picked out the cd Greenday: Warning
and popped it into the cd player and put it on speaker. I sat back, and
continued playing Hearts on the computer at the same time sneaking glances
at Jake. He looked so good, it made my heart hurt.

"Why are you here, Cerulean?" He asked quietly without looking at me.

My breath caught and I felt my heart speed up. I was so ashamed of
everything; I really didn't want to tell him. "Stupid reasons, I don't even
know why they made such a big deal out of it. Hey, you like Greenday? It's
my favorite band. Oh, you really should hear this one song, Misery."

"Dude, it's kind of hard to pull the "oh it's a stupid reason" excuse when
you are recovering from a suicide attempt." He said wryly. "I thought at
least we were friends. And, I still don't know anything about you at all."

"I don't know anything about you either." I retorted. Actually, several
times I wanted to ask him but I was always afraid that he was going to ask
about me in return.

"Okay. My name is William Jake Thompson, named after my great grandfather
on my mother's side. I used to live in Southern California until I got
transferred here of course. I had 2 younger sisters named Annie who was 10
years old and Grace who was 7. They died on April 24th, 2002 when my mother
tried to kill herself, my sisters, and me. I was the only one that survived
and my dad sent me here afterwards." He paused, a lost look in his eyes as
he stared off into the distance. He suddenly turned to me again with a
small smile. "I'm into basketball, soccer, and of course swimming. I'm 6'1"
and a half. The last time I weighed myself, I was 152 lb. I wear size 11
shoes, and the size of my dick..."

I swear, my breath caught as I waited expectantly on the last but he
cracked up rubbing his stomach in amusement. I blushed and looked down,
glad for once I couldn't speak since I probably would have blurted out
something really stupid.

I looked down at the laptop and typed, "I'm sorry about your mom and
sister." And I really was. I knew what it felt like when your own parents
don't want you, when supposedly the closest people you have on Earth turn
into your worst enemy. It's a feeling that people should never experience,
and I wish Jake never had to go through it.

"Not your fault. I'm doing a lot better now though. Talking with my friends
and my shrink about it really helped me." He said.

"That's good, and well, I'll always be here for you...you know if you ever
want to talk with someone who can...relate..." I trailed off on the
keyboard awkwardly.

He looked at me and smiled, "Thanks, I really appreciate that." He paused
for a second, deep in thought and then he looked at me again, "Your turn
now. I just told you about me."

I could feel myself tensing up again. "Um, okay I'll tell you. But it's
something I'm really ashamed of and I really hope you won't judge me too
harshly on this, and please don't tell anyone."

"Of course."

I took a deep breath and I was seriously determined to tell him. But I
couldn't, it was like my fingers wouldn't move and I couldn't do it for the
life of me. It was like, I had denied the event so much that it has become
nothing but a feeling that I can't even pinpoint long enough to figure out
what the hell it was. I felt my hands getting clammy, my breathing sped up
as I concentrated and focused hard but I could feel my fear crawling up
along my spine, manifesting itself in my brain.

I couldn't remember.

It was like, the harder I tried to think and remember it, the faster it
eluded me. My entire mind just suddenly went blank. I was still afraid
though; I was so scared, why couldn't I think of the reason? Why can't I
figure out what was made up and what actually happened in my life anymore?
I clasped my hands to my head, closing my eyes, trying to focus. My
paranoia of insanity on the other hand chose at that moment to flare up.

I really don't remember what happened there on, except the next thing I
know I was on my back on the bed, Jake hovering above me and there were two
nurses buzzing around in my room. I slowly sat up, looking at Jake somewhat
curiously.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

I nodded. They made me drink some water and gave me some more pills before
they left us alone again with a warning to Jake "to let me rest in a couple
of minutes".

The laptop was on the desk now and I picked it up and started
typing. "Sorry about that. I don't really know what happened. I'm okay
though."

"Dude, I'm so sorry I made you remember that. You don't have to tell me if
you don't want to." He said as he flopped down into the chair, running his
hands through his hair.

"No, I do want to tell you. I think it'll actually help me a lot if I tell
you, but for some reason, it's so hard for me at the moment to remember
it."

"Um, ok. Well, I won't pressure you anymore. Just tell me when you're
ready." He said softly. I know he didn't believe me, hell I wouldn't even
believe me, but I was glad that he let me be for the moment.

"Thanks." I said gratefully.

"Ok, enough with the sad stuff, I want to know more about you though. Do
you have a girlfriend?" He asked with bright eyes. Oh wow, I can just drown
in his eyes. They were just so intense.

A smile lit up on my face, how can it not? I shook my head, no.

"Well, was there a girl you liked?"

"No, I'm too shy around girls. None of them were probably even interested
in me anyway." I typed. I could tell he was about to explode on me or
something right then so I quickly typed something else down to distract
him. "What about you?"

"Oh yeah, there was this one girl, Sarah who went to my old high
school. She was so amazing and we actually went on a couple of dates before
I moved over here. She came over to visit me a couple of times during the
summer but then she hooked up with this other guy. I was kind of pissed at
first but then I realized that I liked her a lot more as a friend, so we've
basically been keeping in touch since then." He looked at me with an amused
look on his face. "But you're telling me you never went out with a girl or
anything? That's kind of hard to believe."

"Actually, I've gone on maybe 5 or 6 dates, but I've never liked any of the
girls. They were mostly so that Brandon and I can double date together,
nothing serious. Tell me more about you and Sarah!" I looked up at him. He
started playing with my cd's, twirling around on my chair.

"We met on a swimming camp during the summer and I remember I noticed her
because she was beating one of my friends, Emily on the 100 backstroke. I
found out we went to the same school and just basically hooked up
together. Oh I remember this one time it was during the dead of winter and
we were sitting around the house bored off our asses when I suggested that
we go down to the lake and walk the dog. Well, my family owned this steel
encased canoe and I got the brilliant idea to take the canoe on the water
and try to forge a path through the ice and maybe form a couple of wide
icebergs on the lake." He smiled as he popped a cd into the cd
player. "Sarah agreed and so there we were, rocking the boat up and down in
a see sawing motion and I have to admit, it was really fun for about 40
minutes. Well, we were half way into the lake when I accidentally dropped
the paddle in the water. I was leaning to the side, trying to grab it when
my stupid dog pounced toward me-upsetting the balance of the canoe- and the
next thing I know the canoe had tipped over and we were drowning like
idiots in the water."

I laughed silently, "Was she okay?"

"Yeah, we actually got onto the shore pretty fast but my dog was stranded
on a patch of ice for half an hour. The fire fighters had to rescue him. It
was the stupidest thing I've ever done. But yeah, that's my memory of
Sarah." He smiled, playing with my cd's again.

It made me both kind of happy and sad to hear him talk about her. Usually,
he's just like every other guy, joking around and basically just having a
good time wherever he goes, but after I spent time with him today, I
realized that there was always a deep underlying depression that the was
covered up by a facade of happiness. But at the moment, he seemed so
innocent, so carefree; I can imagine this was how he was before he got sent
here.

On the other hand, I felt a small part of my heart drop when I realized
that he's probably straight. That really frustrated the hell out of me
because I was so sure he was sending me some signals that indicated he
might have had some interest in me, but now I'm just completely thrown off
and confused again. It was so nice to think that he might have cared about
me, but everything was probably just made up in my mind. I mean, why in the
world would he actually like me? He deserves so much more.  I'll have to
think of him as nothing more than a friend. It'll be hard, considering how
much I like him, but I've learned already that in the gay world, you have
to be able to distinguish friend from lover to survive long.

I was starting to feel really tired, mostly I think from the drugs they'd
just given me to help me sleep and I think he actually noticed because he
took the laptop from me and put it on the table.

"Get some rest now, and we'll talk some more after you get up." He said,
turning the lights and the music off. The effects of the drugs were fast,
one minute I was perfectly fine and energetic, the next I felt like my body
was completely shutting down. The last thing I remember was Jake picking
something off of the ground next to my bed before I completely passed out.

Little did I know that the devil would dip his finger into my life tomorrow
and once again turn it upside down.

To be continued...

*Author's note: This chapter is fairly short and my main goal here was to
develop some characterization. It was also written to serve as a transition
into the next part, which will play a major role in the plot. Now that I
have figured out the specific psychological disorder that Cerulean's going
through, I'm somewhat tempted at times to stop writing, so encouragements
are always welcome. Criticism, thoughts, and any comments will also be
helpful.