Date: Sun, 25 Apr 2004 14:13:14 -0700 (PDT)
From: Josh Paomer <liajfsp1212@yahoo.com>
Subject: Song of Spirits Part 4

Disclaimer: This story contains graphic depiction of sexual acts between
teenage boys as well as violence. Any similarities of events and characters
in this story to other stories or real life are purely coincidence.

Author's note: Don't read this story if you're looking for a quick way to
get off. This particular chapter is extremely disturbing and probably
confusing, but keep in mind that I'm trying to allow you to personally feel
everything the main character feels. So, what confuses you is probably
something that confuses him too. Everything will eventually come together.

Song of Spirit Part 4...

The next morning I woke up in a really good mood for some reason. I spent
the majority of the morning at the clinic getting various x-rays taken of
my throat, so I didn't have to wake up to a psychiatrist asking me
questions about things I'd much rather forget. The doctor there said that I
was healing up very well and they were considering forgoing the third
surgery. I spent about half an hour doing some speech therapy and the
therapist there commended me for my improvements. I can basically talk now
for a short period of time, though it felt really weird, as if I was
learning how to talk for the first time in my life each time I opened my
mouth. I haven't yet told anyone of my recovery because I get a sense of
comfort with silence and it saved a hell lot of trouble if people didn't
expect me to talk.

"Hey, so I was reading about this thing today on some Confucius
philosophy. He once said that there is beauty in everything, but not
everyone can see it. This has seriously been bothering me all day, because
I mean since beauty is something that is perceived by the human mind,
then-" Zack was interrupted when Jason jabbed him hard in the ribs.

"Will you shut up about it? You've been talking about it since last night,
man!" Jason said, shooting a glare towards Zack's direction.

"Well, you may have known about it, but they didn't. I just want to find
out what they think."

"Yeah, well what makes you think anyone gives a shit?"

"Hey, you know what? I don't..."

That's basically how the bickering started, and actually by the time we
finished up with breakfast, they were in a heated debate on what Confucius
meant by "beauty". I gave Jake a smile as we headed out to the basketball
courts.

"Do you think they'll be done by the time dinner is served?" Jake asked
wryly as he picked up a basketball.

I grinned and rolled my eyes, shaking my head. Jake passed the ball to me
and we started on a little one on one. It was nice, a lot of the kids
weren't out from lunch yet, and the weather was just perfect, it was just
us two hanging out, the way I've always wanted. I played kind of bad though
because half way during the game, Jake took off his shirt and I was
alternating between staring at his very nice chest and focusing my
attention on the basketball. Yes, very nice chest indeed. He'd been
spending more and more time outside and he'd developed a very nice tan. I
realized how distracted I was when I watched in seemingly slow motion, as
he spun around me and fluidly jumped to make the next shot, muscles
gleaming with a fine sheen of sweat.

"Dude, what are you doing just standing there? I know you can move faster
than that. You totally could have blocked that one." Jake said as he wiped
the sweat from his brow with his t-shirt.

I shrugged and smiled, making my way off the court to sit on the benches.

"You tired?" He asked.

I nodded, but I gestured that he should keep going. He bounced the ball a
couple of times and went back to shooting hoops. I watched him carefully,
wishing more than anything that he was gay. Despite all my logic, I could
still feel myself liking him more and more, but I was sure as hell never
going to admit that.

I sighed softly, watching distractedly as he dunked the ball in the basket
again. There were more kids coming out and I spotted Beau among the crowd
as he made his way to the courts.

Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turning around I squinted into
the sun as the face of the guy from the creek loomed above me.

"Hey, how's it going?" He asked. I watched rather nervously as he sat down
next to me. I was kind of afraid he was going to try something out here in
public.

He laughed, and the sound startled me, it was really soft and
genuine. "Don't worry, I'm not going to jump on you. I just wanted to
actually sit down and talk to you."

I gave him another long stare and finally nodded, turning my attention back
to Beau and Jake who were playing one on one. I was still horribly aware of
the guy next to me though, and I felt a tingle along my spine as the voice
in my head started to surface.

"Listen, I know you can talk, so can you stop pretending like you're still
mute and say something for once?" He asked in a somewhat exasperated tone.

I looked at him, startled once again. How did he know I can speak? The only
time he's heard me talk was in the boys locker room when I went swimming a
few weeks ago, and I highly doubted he was there during my speech therapy
lessons.

I sighed in resignation, "Yeah, I can talk. Doesn't mean I have to though."
I said softy, feeling the vibration of each word creep along my
throat. There was a rasp that constantly accompanied everything I said.

"No, you don't have to. But you're deceiving people." He pointed out. I
realized he was right. I never wanted to pretend I'm someone I'm not, but
it was so much easier hiding in my silent world.

"Tell me, how do you know so much about me when I don't even know your
name?" I asked.

"My name is Mark." He said rather nonchalantly. I was surprised he told me
so easily. I guess at some point in time I had come to think of him as a
nameless enigma that would forever be unsolved.

"You didn't answer my other question." I pointed out.

"That's not important." He paused until I looked at him again, feeling a
surge of unidentifiable emotions flow through me. His green gaze was sharp
and prodding, yet strangely it seemed comforting as well. "Listen, I just
want you to know...I've been through what you're experiencing...and you
need to realize that if you keep avoiding the therapist and never confront
your problems, the voices will only get louder."

I felt a chill run down my spine as I listened to the deep tenor of his
voice. The words glided over me and I wasn't even sure I comprehended what
he was saying. I opened my mouth to reply but he cut me off short.

"Don't try to deny it. I see the fear, the insanity haunting your eyes, the
same ghosts that had been in mine for years."

I shut my eyes tightly, feeling a cold hand gripping my heart tightly. The
truth he spoke was like a ray of light shining down on all the madness and
chaos, but at the same time it was something that was so difficult and
terrifying that I could literally feel myself trembling as his words grazed
my conscious mind.

I snapped my eyes open, looking into his again. "You have no idea what I go
through, you don't know the fear..." Memories of my attempted suicide and
nightmares that plagued me every night flooded my mind. I realized after a
second that I had been staring off into space.

Slowly I looked away from his eyes, focusing on Jake and Beau as they
played one on one, laughing as they taunted each other. I carefully stood
up on trembling legs that threatened to collapse from under me. The clouds
parted above me, and sunlight poured down from a gap, shining proudly
amongst the darkness, but I was barely aware of all that.

"Leave me alone." I whispered.  I took a step down from the bleachers
and...

I blinked.

I was standing in the middle of my room at inside The Dorm, a nurse staring
at me with a worried and curious look on her face. I felt my heart jump
into my throat, my entire body breaking out in sweat as I shook my head
slightly trying to make sure this was all real. How the hell did I get
here? The last thing I remember was...wait, what was I doing? Jake had his
shirt off...oh that's right, we were playing basketball! I felt a grin
creep onto my face as my cheeks heated up with the thought. Wonder who
won. Damn, he looked so good...

"Cerulean, are you alright?" The nurse's voice startled me, I forgot she
was still in the room.

I smiled wide and nodded.

"You're blushing! Thinking of a girl?" She asked playfully.

I felt my face catch on fire, but at the same time I couldn't stop smiling
as my gaze focused in on my shoes. Haha, a girl? I wonder what Jake would
look like in a dress. As the image of Jake in a black and white polka
dotted skirt with a bonnet flared up in my head, I started laughing
silently.

"Well since you're not going to tell me, I'll not pry. Good luck with her!
She's very lucky, you're such a handsome boy!" She laughed, clearly
enjoying tormenting me. I kind of liked her, she was the nicest nurse I've
met here. "Do you want your visitors here in your room or would you rather
talk to them in the lobby?"

I looked at her blankly. Visitor? I must have completely spaced out when
she said that. I gestured for her to bring them here to my room. As she
left, I hurriedly straightened out my bed. I was so excited; Kyle's finally
coming to see me! I wonder if he's changed at all since the last time I saw
him before he went out to college. I really missed him and the Triplets. I
realized how ignorant I was about all the events outside of The Dorm; this
will give me a chance to catch up a bit.

I stole a quick glance into the mirror, trying to smooth out the mess on
top of my head. I really needed a haircut, and the bags under my eyes
showed off my nights of insomnia, but besides that I didn't look too
badly. Plus, he's my brother, it won't really matter that much what I
looked like; he's probably seen me worse.

There was a knock on the door and I hurriedly crossed my small room and
opened it.

The faces that stared back at me took me by surprise and I paused with a
stricken look on my face.

Brandon...and Troy.

Oh great. Just what I needed. To have all my troubles shoved into my face
right in the middle of bouts of uncontrollable insanity.

Troy looked good though. Damn good. He no longer wore the baggy t-shirts
and loose careless jeans, instead opting for classy shirts and expensive
looking pants. His collar was turned up, like a model on TV or
something. Yeah, Junior year in high school has really changed him; I could
easily see him on the cover of some magazine. His large brown eyes gleamed
curiously at me, waiting for some sign from me. Part of me wanted to jump
into his arms, to kiss his soft lips, feel his silky hair, but mostly I
just felt really numb. Like he was nothing more than an acquaintance
instead of the guy I loved.

Brandon on the other hand was smiling brightly, his bright expressive eyes
looking at me, expecting me to invite them in.

I didn't realize I just stood there staring at them until Troy cleared his
throat nervously.

I jumped back and opened the door further, gesturing them inside. I was
definitely having mixed feelings about this. It was also getting more and
more awkward since I didn't say anything to them.

As Brandon walked by, he turned and gave me a quick hug. "It's nice seeing
you again, Taylor." Brandon and Troy always called me by my last name
because when we were young, they couldn't pronounce my first name at all.

I smiled, the tension loosening up a bit. I quickly got out paper and a
pen.

"I can't believe you guys are here, it's so...unexpected." I jotted down.

"I know. We would have called to warn you ahead of time but our whole trip
out here was pretty impulsive." Brandon said.

"Don't worry about it. I'm so happy to see you guys again."

"You look nice. When's the last time you got a hair cut though? You're
startin' look like a girl." Troy teased, his hand ruffling my hair. I
dodged his grasp with a smile but I ran into Brandon. He grabbed me and
they both started ruffling my hair. I shoved at them hard, but it was all
play. We used to do this all the time because they knew how much I hated
people touching my hair. It really made me forget about the
voices...something that doesn't happen too often lately.

They finally eased up on me and I mouthed, "fuckers" as I hopped onto the
bed away from them. Brandon plopped down on my chair and started looking
through my cd's, but I hardly noticed that. Troy leaned over at that moment
and before I had time to register what he was doing, he kissed me hard on
the lips.

It was strange. The spark that I had always felt whenever we touched was no
longer there. It was like kissing a girl or something. I just didn't feel
anything at all. And I guess that's the only reason why I didn't pull away
quickly. I wanted to make sure that the illusions I had planted in my head
were really illusions. Something was seriously off though. It was like I
had this fear deep down inside me about this and I should be remembering
something but I couldn't.

Troy leaned further into me, as his tongue plunged into my mouth. I
realized he was literally straddling me as I lay nervously under him. I
really didn't like this at all but I felt like since we had done stuff
before, I don't really have a right to stop him. But when he started
moaning and grinding down into my hips, I pushed against him gently as I
felt a panic start to rise out of me.

"Ahem. Right." Brandon said with a mock nervous tone. From the corner of my
eyes I watched as he pulled my head phones on and started playing around
with the computer. Completely ignoring us like this was perfectly normal or
something.

Ok, what do I do? He's definitely not budging from me. In a way I guess the
familiarity of his body was comforting. But yeah, there was definitely a
line, and he's crossed it. Hell, he was bucking on me like some lust driven
bronco. I don't know why I ever saw him as sweet and caring.

His mouth left mine and traveled down towards my neck. I had an urge to
wipe my lips. Ok and maybe disinfect it too.

"Taylor, you're so hot. Do you know how much I've missed your body? It's
perfect." Troy started whispering. Um, right. So did you miss me? Or did
you just miss the blowjobs? I don't think I want to know.

I felt sweat begin to pop from my forehead and my chest heaved as I tried
to fight down the panic. This was too similar, too close to my fears. I
don't know what the fuck he was thinking but maybe he thought I was getting
into it or something because he started to lap at my chest like a fucking
dog. I could literally feel his dick getting hard on top of me as he
started undoing my pants.

"Ok, I'm going out to play a little basketball. Meet me out in the
courtyard afterwards." Brandon said as he hightailed it out of there.

Crap. No. Don't leave!

I felt so trapped. Thousands of ways out of this was running through my
head and each one was countered with a reason why I couldn't do it. I threw
my head back as the world, even Troy disappeared from my sight and
conscious mind. A wave of despair and darkness flooded through my mind. I
felt angry. For the first time in a long time, I felt so angry, blood red
clouded my vision. The voices in my head were screaming in my mind.

KILL HIM!!! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!!!!!

blood. he's so warm. i need the blood. oh god, the things he does to you.

HAHAHAHA. ONE MORE TIME!!!!

You know you love the pain.

Something loud slammed by my head and I snapped my eyes open. I realized
Troy had taken off all my clothes and he had his pants off already. But he
froze on top tof me and I felt a chill run down my back as I followed his
line of gaze and when my eyes finally focused on the person in next to me,
I felt the blood drain from my body. The voices were all gone suddenly. I
was living in a silent cold cold world.

Jake stood before me, his eyes avoiding mine. I noticed his hands were
shaking.

"I got you the books you wanted." He said softy and I realized that he had
dropped the stack of books right next to my head. Wait, I asked him to get
books for me? Ok, obviously this is not important right now. He walked out
silently and I jumped as he slammed the door shut so hard the walls
shuddered.

"Fuck, that was intense. Who the hell was he? He was really hot." Troy
asked me. His tongue licked his lips as he stared after Jake.

I looked at him, and watched as he slowly brought a hand up to my face. His
fingers pulled away, wet. I didn't even realize tears were falling down my
face.

I turned my head away from his gaze, the touch of his flesh on mine made me
tremble uncontrollably in fear. I have never been so aware of my lack of
clothes before in my life.

"Are you alright?" He asked as he noted my shaking.

Am I alright? No. Jake knows. I can't believe it. He saw everything! He
hates me now. I can feel it. Oh God, how did this happen? My one hope, my
one source of happiness. Please, please tell me that wasn't real. Tell me
that was nothing but something my fucked up mind came up with.

"Hey, hey it's okay. It's alright. Come here, I'll make it all better." I
vaguely heard Troy's voice whisper. He hugged me to him, wiping the tears
from my face. I don't even know where my mind was, but there was some sort
of comfort I found in his touch. The way he let me lean on him.

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! YOU FUCKING SICK PERVERT, DIE!

But I didn't want to do anything. He made me. He was my boyfriend, I owe
him that much. I would really miss him too...except I don't really know why
I don't. Instead, I almost want to hate him.

Course you owe him, idiot. He's the only one that sticks around when you
fuck up every time. And now, you've REALLY fucked up.

I feel so bad. I can't believe it. Did you see the look on Jake's face,
I've never seen him so shaken before. Do you think he was angry or scared?

ANGRY, MORON. YOU DESERVE TO GET YOUR FUCKING FACE PUNCHED OUT.

But why would he hate me that much? I don't mean anything to him.

BECAUSE IT SICKENS HIM THAT PEOPLE ARE SO PERVERTED LIKE THAT. WHY THE FUCK
ARE YOU GAY? IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE. SICK SON OF A
BITCH.

I'm sorry. I'll try to change. I promise...

I blinked. My vision clouded with a field of white. I saw a hand wrapped
around my cock, the other rubbing me obscenely around my asshole.

Oh God, what the fuck is going on??!

Someone was whispering in my ear. Something. I couldn't even understand
what he was saying. I could definitely feel his dick in the small of my
back, hard and so unbelievably hot. What's going on? Who is that?

I shook my head, trying to get a thought through, some sort of
rationalization.

I felt hands under my buttocks and I watched as I was lifted up over the
body above me. It was so weird. I knew this was happening to me, and yet I
felt like also this was nothing but watching a movie from far away.

The tip of his dick touched my asshole and reality slammed back at me just
as he let go of my body and his cock slammed half way into me. I braced
myself hard, and the next thing I knew, it was as if the monster in my mind
was completely unleashed. I started screaming uncontrollably, my entire
being reeling with terror and pain. I was vaguely aware that he'd pulled
out of me and I was literally convulsing on the bed, my body shaking so
hard the bed was bouncing, and yet most of all my throat throbbed and stung
as I screamed, the voices and memories threatened to explode from my head.

Images flashed through my mind.

I saw the dirty bathroom floor as Josh behind me slammed violently into my
body over and over, driving my head into the ground every time, sending
flashes of light and pain through my being. Scarring my mind forever. I
felt the fear, the despair, and most of all, the humiliation.

I remember thinking, please don't call the cops. Please don't let anyone
see me like this. Just finish and leave me alone. Leave me alone.

The tiled uneven ceiling of the bathroom and the faces of the paramedics as
they lifted me onto gurney, the voices of all the people as they watched
and witnessed my pain and humiliation.

I remember signing the contract after getting out of the hospital, agreeing
not to press charges so that this incident didn't go out into the public.

Every death in every nightmare flashed through my mind, and I felt as if a
weight was crushed on my lungs, suffocating me through my nightmares.

Talking to the therapist. Telling him of all the abuse that my dad had
heaped on me since my mother died. How much I missed my brothers. How much
I missed my life.

The suicide attempt, I remember it. I remember the crushing feeling,
remembered why I should not see Troy.

I saw the gate of The Dorm. Saw a person looking down at me in the
moonlight asking me what I was doing there. I don't remember. What was I
doing?

No more questions, no more questions!! I felt as if my head was going to
explode. There was wonderful pain on my chest and I realized my fingernails
were digging rivulets along my skin. Was that blood all over my body, or
was that just the red I was seeing through? My stomach churned and I
started dry heaving painfully, feeling every muscle in my body cramp up. I
couldn't handle the pain, the fear...the desperation in my mind
anymore. Strangely, I found comfort in the blood-curling scream that
floated around me. Allowing the sound to caress the darkness in my mind,
wielding it like a powerful weapon.

Vaguely I heard Troy screaming or yelling next to me, "It was consensual! I
swear!"

I felt hands hold me down and quickly a needle poked into my neck. I looked
up through darkening vision the faces of nurses standing around my bed,
crying out silent orders as they rushed through my room. I was losing
consciousness fast but as my head rolled to the side. I saw Jake, standing
in the corner of my room.

There were tears in his beautiful hazel eyes; I've never seen him look so
vulnerable before in my life. But as his eyes focused on mine, he realized
I was watching him. His face twisted in anger and hatred, his eyes burning
into mine as if he were trying to will me to die before him. I felt another
tear flow down my face that was quickly going numb from the drugs.


Please forgive me.
To be continued...


*Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to drop me an email, I really
appreciate the feedback. And as always, I'd love to hear what you thought
of this chapter and what you would like to see happen in the next. If
there's anything in the story that's too confusing, email me or talk to me
online.

For updates on the story and other stories, I created a new live journal,
mostly for my benefit but you're welcome to check it out.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/haunted_enigma

AIM: liajfsp1212