Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2005 19:40:20 -0800 (PST)
From: Mike Wilson <billynkyle@yahoo.com>
Subject: Spring Break Cruise 12

Chapter Twelve: Back to School

I felt awful on Monday morning.  I had barely slept the entire night and
then as I got to school I kept looking around, nervously expecting that
everyone would be staring at me, that there would be signs on every locker
reading, "Rob Thompson's a Fag!  And he kissed Andy Mitchell last night!"
The fact that it was a normal Monday took a while to sink in.

I didn't see Rob all morning.  Our schedules didn't connect at all and
since he was a senior our lockers were nowhere near one another.  But
still, I kept looking for him.  I wasn't sure what it would be like to see
him.  Maybe he'd be pissed at me about last night or maybe the whole school
would be pissed at him because of Mike and his idiot friend.  Finally I
caught him briefly between third and fourth periods.

"Rob!" I practically shouted down the hall.

"Hey Andy," he walked up to me looking unhappy.

"So ah, how's it goin?"

"I dunno," he spoke softly.  "It seems like most of the guys on the team
are ignoring me, but maybe I'm just imagining things.  I swear Mark turned
around and walked the other way when I was comin' down the hall earlier
this morning.  But maybe it's me."

"That sucks man."  I wasn't sure what to say.  The hall was thinning out.
"Well, um, I guess I better get to class.  Hope things go all right."

"Yeah, thanks" he started walking away and then he turned around.  "Hey
Andy?  Thanks.  For asking I mean."  He smiled weakly at me and then headed
back down the hallway.  Maybe he wasn't mad at me after all.

At lunch I sat with Mike even though I really didn't want to see him.  But
we always had lunch together and it would look kinda strange if all of
sudden I started sitting with Rob and his friends, even though that's
exactly what I wanted to do.  Not two minutes after I sat down Jeremy, Sam
and some of the other swimmers joined us.

"Guess who spent Saturday night with the Fairy Prince?" Mike asked Jeremy.

"Oh yeah?  Did he wave his magic wand at you, Mitchell?" Jeremy said as he
and Mike burst into laughter.

I couldn't believe it.  Mike, my so-called best friend, was trying to show
off or something in front of his newfound jock friends at my expense.

"Just shut up assholes," I was trying to sound tough.  "You guys don't know
what you're talking about."

"I know Rob Thompson's a faggot," Jeremy had a mean smirk on his face.

"No you don't fucker," I practically shouted, the anger rising in my face.
"So stop saying that shit!"

"Hey guys, just lay off, okay?"  Sam spoke up which kind of surprised me.
He actually looked kind of pissed at Jeremy.

"What's wrong, Sam?  Don't you care if the captain of the soccer team is a
homo?" Jeremy sneered.

"Ya know, I couldn't care less," said Sam quietly.  "I think you should
just keep your big mouth shut."

"Oh!  I see how it is," Jeremy kept pushing.  "You'd probably like it
wouldn't ya?"  He smiled and looked at Mike, apparently quite pleased with
himself.

Sam glared at Jeremy but he didn't say anything.  I had never seen him look
so angry.

"Whoa, whoa," said Mike laughing nervously.  "Calm down guys.  What's the
big deal?  Why do you care so much?  It's not like anyone here went to the
fag meeting."

"And what if one of us did, Mike?" I said, way too loud.  "Would you have
to leave the table because you were sitting with someone gay?  Would you be
unable to eat because one of your friends was different?"  I was
practically screaming at this point.  People at other tables were looking
at me and I couldn't stop.  I was so angry at Mike and Jeremy and their
whole little world.  "Well lemme tell you something, I did go the GSA
meeting and the truth is I'll be going again.  I don't care who knows it.
So what do you think of that, huh?  Turns out it's your best friend who's
the fag.  Wonder what that makes you!"

I got up from the table, my cheeks hot with emotion, my eyes glaring at
Mike's shocked face.  I could tell people were staring at me as I left.  My
foot got caught on some kid's backpack and I kicked it out of my way hard
and it slid across the floor.

I stormed around the school, furious and confused, trying to calm down.
The halls were deserted, everyone still at lunch or class.  I didn't know
where I was going or what I was doing.  Finally I gave up.  I slid down the
wall and sat on the ground.  I pulled my knees up and buried my face.

What had I done?  Why did I lose my temper like that and why, oh my God why
did I just tell the whole school that I was gay?  I sat and thought about
all the things I had heard people say about Neil Reynolds and got more and
more depressed as I realized they'd now be just as mean to me.

"Hey," I heard Rob as he sat down next to me.

I couldn't look at him.  I couldn't even lift my head.  I felt his hand
slowly touch my arm.  I wanted so bad to just fall over and have him once
again hold me, wrap himself around me.  But I had just enough control not
to move or burst into tears.

"I really admire you, Andy," he said softly after we had been sitting there
a while.

It was the last thing in the world I ever expected to hear.  I pulled my
head up and looked over at him, my face twisted in confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

"You stood up to those assholes.  I . . . I never would have been able to
do that.  I would have smiled and joked and pretended that whatever they
were saying didn't hurt me even if it did.  But you?  You were honest.  You
told them the truth and . . . it was amazing.  I admire that.  I wish I was
that way."

"You were there?"

"I was on the other side of the lunchroom, but yeah, I heard your speech.
Or at least the last part of it.  You were incredible.  I was so envious."

I stifled a laugh.

"You were envious of me for having a public temper tantrum and coming out
in front of the whole school and probably losing my best friend in the
process?  Dude, you gotta get a life."

We both laughed nervously.

"Come on," said Rob.  "Let's get outta here."

"Yeah, I guess classes will be starting soon."  I rubbed my face.

"No," he stood up.  "I mean, let's just outta here.  Let's skip this
afternoon."

I had never skipped school before in my life.  But I sure didn't want to be
around here for the next three hours.  I looked up at Rob and smiled as I
saw his perfect, hopeful grin.  He stuck his hand out to help me up.

"Yeah," I grabbed his hand and stood.  "Let's go."

I got a few things from my locker and then we swung by Rob's locker for his
stuff.  We headed out the doors, fighting against the mob of folks coming
back inside from lunch and got in his car.

"You wanna go to the mall?" Rob asked excitedly as we pulled out of the
parking lot.

I actually didn't care where we went.  I just felt tired and alone.
Anywhere was better than school and Jeremy and Mike and everything that had
just happened in the last hour.

"Sure," I stared out the window and we rode in silence for the rest of the
way.

It took a while but I actually found myself relaxing and almost having fun
at the mall.  Rob tried cheering me up by pointing out just about every
cute guy he saw which made us both smile and laugh. We spent way too much
time at Hollister and Abercrombie.  He even convinced me to try on a couple
of shirts at Abercrombie just cause the college guy working there was so
hot.  When we left he said the shirts looked really sexy.  It was the best
thing I had heard all day.

"Andy!"  Rob got all excited as we were walking down one of the hallways.
"We've got to do this!"

"What?" I rolled my eyes, unsure of what corny idea Rob had come up with.

"Look!" he pointed to an old photo booth.  "These are awesome!  Four for a
buck.  Come on!"  He grabbed my arm and pushed me into the little cubby.  I
sat down on the stool as Rob started dumping quarters into the machine.  He
shoved me over playfully and we both sat on the little seat.

"Now just look straight ahead," he said.  I smiled over at him and the
light flashed surprising us both.  "Now make this one different," he said
as he leaned forward toward the camera.  I cocked my head to one side, just
behind him.  I was about to start smiling when the booth flashed again.

"Two more!" Rob was in total hysterics at this point and I couldn't help
but laugh myself, unsure of what to do.  He turned to the side and I
quickly did the same as the third shot took our profiles.  Finally, Rob
pressed his cheek against mine and the light flashed for a final shot.

We got out of the closed space and I looked at the strip of pictures.  They
were kind of cool actually, each one a little different.  We looked good
together actually.

"You're very photogenic," Rob said as we stared down at the pictures, our
faces inches from one another, our arms touching.

"Whatever!"  I blushed at his compliment.  I pulled back suddenly as my
phone my phone rang .  My Mom's name come up on the caller ID.

"Shit," I mumbled.  "It's my Mom."  I didn't answer it which I knew would
probably get me in more trouble than I already was, but I didn't care.  I
was actually having a good time and I sure didn't want to go back and worry
about being in trouble again or how things were gonna go in school
tomorrow.

"You want 'em?"  Rob held the strip of pictures out.

"Nah," I sighed.  "You keep 'em.  It was your idea.  Thanks though."  I put
my arm around his shoulder for a moment as we started walking.

We drove home about an hour later.  Rob pulled up in my driveway and I
looked over at him.

"You really helped me a lot today." I said.  "I . . . I'd be miserable
right now if you hadn't been around."

"Nah, you'd be fine," he shrugged.  "And you may not be so happy with me
after your Mom talks to you."

We both laughed.

I looked over at him and he stared back.  His smile softened a bit as we
gazed into each other's eyes.  I leaned forward and kissed him quickly on
the cheek, my lips feeling the slightest hint of stubble.

"Thanks again Rob," I said quietly, pulling back and getting my things
together.  I stepped out of the car and waved at him.  He smiled back at me
but still, I couldn't help but notice the disappointment in his eyes.

Mom was not at all happy with me when I stepped in the door.  She told me
the school had called and told her I was skipping.  She kept asking why I
would do something like this and how much she trusted me and how I had
stayed out too late on Sunday and blah blah blah.  It had been a while
since she had lectured me like this.  It pissed me off actually, like she
still thought I was a kid or something.  Instantly she had managed to bring
me back to my miserable reality.  I headed upstairs and slammed the door to
my room.

I was still pretty pissed when Sara called.

"Andy!"  she practically screamed.  "Oh my God, I was so worried about you.
Are you all right?  What happened today?  Where'd you go this afternoon."

"Jeesh just chill," I said.  "I'm fine.  I just . . . I had to get out of
school after lunch that's all."

"Yeah, so what happened at lunch?  I kept hearing all these rumors and shit
in the afternoon.  Someone said you were yelling at Mike.  Is that true?"

"Ahh, well, kinda."  I explained my little (maybe not so little) temper
tantrum.  I also told her about what had happened on Sunday and how Rob
said he had a crush on me and stuff.  I told her how confused I felt.

"Wow!" she said when I finished.  "So let me get this straight so to speak.
You now have a boyfriend in California who is sweet and gorgeous and sings
you love songs when he's bored AND you have the most eligible guy at our
school, the guy every girl in the senior class wants to date, trying to
become your boyfriend.  And this is bad . . . why again?"

"It's not that simple Sara.  I mean, I just don't know what to do.  Rob is
great and he's here.  But I know I love Travis.  It isn't his fault that we
live so far apart.  I don't love him any less just because we don't see
each other.  I just . . . can't stand the fact that he isn't here."

"So let me ask you this, if Travis lived here, would you consider dating
Rob?"

"Of course not," I said quickly.  "I love Travis."

"Well there you go.  You don't sound very confused at all.  Seems to me the
problem you have isn't with Rob it's with Travis living so far away."

"Well, duuhhhh!  Of course it's with Travis living so far away.  If he were
here everything would be different."

"My point is stop worrying about dating Rob.  Oh my God I can't believe I
just told ANYONE to stop worrying about dating Rob Thompson!"  Sara
laughed.  "Sorry.  Stop worrying about Rob and start figuring out how to
make things better with Travis."

"Well just how am I supposed to do that," I was annoyed.  "I told you, we
email, we phone, we chat online, but it's not the same.  It's not the same
as being together."

"So?" she said.  "Figure out how to get together.  Summer's gonna be here
soon.  Maybe after his visit you should go see him for a week.  Maybe you
guys can plan some sort of trip on your own.  Maybe you could go be camp
counselors together.  Maybe he could get a summer job here.  Maybe you
could both become exchanges students to Germany.  I don't know.  Just stop
moping already and start figuring out how to be with him."

I sat there for a long time.  Sara's comments had totally blown me away.
She was right, of course.  As great as Rob was, he wasn't Travis.  And the
ideas she had about the summer were entirely new to me.  I hadn't even
considered the possibility of finding out a way for us to really spend time
together.  I mean, it's not like we could run off and live in Denver for
three months, but some of her crazy thoughts weren't completely impossible.
Maybe we could make something like that work.

"You still there?" Sara asked.

"Uhh, yeah."

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking that you just helped me out a whole lot."

"Really?" Sara sounded surprised.  "Huh.  I was just pretty much talking to
hear my own voice but if it was useful to you that's great."

We both laughed.

"So are you gonna tell him?" she asked.

"Huh?  Tell who?  What?"

"Are you going to tell Travis what happened on Sunday?"

"I don't know," I was confused.  I hadn't thought about this at all.  "Do
you think I should?"

"You have to Andy.  He has to know."

"But we didn't do anything," I whined.

"Then you have nothing to worry about.  But still, you have to be honest
with him."

As soon as she said the word I knew I didn't have a choice.  The only thing
Travis had ever asked of me was to be honest.  From the first night on the
cruise.  Sara was right.  I was going to have to tell him what happened
even though I didn't want to.

I called him as soon as I hung up with Sara..

"Hey babe," he answered.

I have to confess something.  When I hear guys at school say stuff like
'babe' and 'honey' to their girlfriends, it pretty much makes me want to
find the nearest trash can and hurl.  But when Travis says it to me, well,
THAT pretty much melts my heart.

"Hey!" I said.  "How are you?"

"Better now.  You?"

"I'm . . . I'm good," I was kinda nervous, "It's just . . . I got some
stuff I need to talk to you about.  That all right?"

"Of course it is."  I could hear his smile through the phone.  God I missed
him.

"Okay, so I told you I went to the GSA meeting last week and saw the
captain of my soccer team there, right?"

"Yup.  Roger or something."

"Yeah, Rob.  Anyway, after that meeting he and I started hanging out a
little bit.  Like, um, we went to a swim meet and stuff and then we went to
dinner and saw a friend of ours who's boyfriend plays in this band."

"Sounds like a date," Travis laughed.

"No, it wasn't!"  His comment upset me.  I tried to calm down.  "It wasn't
a date.  So anyway, we did that on Saturday and it was a lot of fun.  I
mean, it was great Travis.  It was great to hang out with Rob and to have
someone to talk to.  And it was great to see our friend Neil watch his
boyfriend in the band.  It totally reminded me of watching you sing.  But
that also made me really upset.  Because . . .well, because I can't watch
you sing any more.  I can't even hold your hand.  And I guess I got to
thinking about how things have been going between us lately and . . . it
just hasn't felt the same, ya know?  We don't . . . I dunno . . . I just
felt like we were slipping further apart because we never get to see one
another.  Do . . . I mean, have you felt that way too?"

Travis was slow to respond.

"I don't know, I mean, maybe.  I guess we haven't really been quite as
close as we were on the ship, but we haven't seen each other for a month
either so I guess I thought it was kind of normal or something.  But Andy,
why are you talking about this stuff now?  You're scaring me."

"Travis," I said.  "Don't be scared.  I promise I'm not . . . I don't want
anything to change for us, all right?  I just need to explain what's
happening."

"Okay," he said.  "So, you were saying that you were kinda sad on Saturday
cause you had to listen to someone other than me sing?"

I laughed.

"Yeah, exactly.  So then on Sunday, Mike calls me and tells me that some
jerk at school had seen Rob go to the GSA meeting and he was telling
everyone that Rob was gay."

"Whoa."

"Uh-huh.  I was really scared and so I called Rob and told him we had to
meet.  And we did.  And I told him what Mike had told me which totally
freaked him out.  We talked for a long time and then . . . well . . . .
Travis he told me had a crush on me.  And then . . . I don't know what
happened but . . . well, we kissed."

I waited for a long time for Travis to respond but he didn't say anything.

"You still there?" I asked quietly.

"Yup."  It wasn't his smile I was hearing anymore.  I waited a little while
longer.  It felt awful.

"Travis I-" I started but he interrupted me.

"That's why you didn't call on Sunday isn't it?  You were with him, right?"

Now I was the one who didn't know what to say

"And didn't we say we weren't gonna do that, Andy?  I mean, wasn't that we
agreed to?"

I could hear he was upset.  "Umm, I guess, it's just-"

"It's just what, Andy?  You thought I wouldn't care?  What the hell!"

"Travis, I'm so sorry," I said.  "I can't explain it.  I didn't plan to do
it and . . . it just sort of happened.  And I swear that's all that
happened.  I'm so sorry.  I knew you'd care.  I knew it mattered.  And
that's why I'm telling you about it now, because I had to tell you.  I
couldn't keep this from you."

We were silent for a while longer.

"Did you do anything else?" Travis sounded really angry now.

"Whaddya mean?"

"I mean when you were making out with Rob!  Did you do anything else
besides kiss?"

"We weren't making out.  He just . . . ya know we were kissing and he
touched my stomach and tried to reach inside my pants but I wouldn't let
him.  Nothing happened."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Travis was definitely mad.  It
was the first time he had ever sounded like this with me.  "You didn't let
him grab your cock and so it's okay?  God Andy!  I can't believe you did
this.  How could you?"

"Travis, I said I'm sorry.  Honest.  Nothing happened.  He kissed me.  He
wanted to go further but I wouldn't let him.  End of story.  I wish it
didn't happen but-"

"Well it's a little late for that now, isn't it?  I . . . I can't believe
you did this Andy.  I can't . . . fuck!  I don't understand.  How could you
kiss him?"

I felt as though someone were tying my stomach in knots.  I didn't know
what to say to Travis.  I wanted him to understand that I was being honest
with him when I said I was sorry, that I wished it hadn't happened.  Again
we were silent.

Travis finally spoke up softly.  "I have to go Andy.  I can't talk to you
about this now."

"Wait!  Don't go!  It's not what-" I kept talking even though he was gone.
I stared down at the dark phone.  I was completely frozen.  I had no idea
what to do or what had just happened.  I kept pulling his name up on my
phone, tempted to call him again but I didn't do it.

I slowly leaned over on my bed and the tears began.  I buried my face in my
pillow as I cried.  Travis and I had never fought before.  Not like this.
It wasn't just my stupid mistake that hurt, I was used to making mistakes.
I knew I had screwed up.  What was unbearable, what I couldn't get over was
that I had hurt him.

     * * * * *

I could barely pull myself out of bed on Tuesday I was so depressed.  I
actually tried faking a stomach ache (I know, I know, how sixth grade can
you get?) but Mom was still kind of pissed about my skipping yesterday so
she really didn't have much sympathy for my supposed pain.

It wasn't until I arrived at school that I actually remembered what else
had happened yesterday.  That today was my first day going to school as a
full blown, confessed queer.  I was a zombie for most of the morning.  I
barely looked up as I walked through the halls and I didn't say a word in
my classes.

Sometime after English class Neil Reynolds spotted me and came over with a
huge grin on his face.

"You, Andy Mitchell, are a superstar!" he said beaming.

"I don't know about that," I mumbled trying to smile.  "More like a super
loud mouth."

"It was awesome Andy.  And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  You're
stronger then any of 'em."

It was a really nice thing for Neil to say.  I hadn't thought that what I
did in the lunchroom yesterday required any strength.  Seemed to me more
like stupidity.

Sometime around 11:15 or so I realized lunch was approaching.  The scene of
the crime.  I wasn't hungry and I knew I couldn't sit with Mike any more.
I figured my best bet would simply be to slink off into a corner somewhere
and hope that nobody even noticed me.  Which is exactly what I did.

But someone did notice.  It was Sam.

"Can I join you?" he asked.

"Ahh I guess," We ate in silence for a while and then Sam started talking.

"Andy, I just want you to know that what happened yesterday, well I'm cool
with it.  I mean, I was actually kind of pissed off at those guys and what
they were saying so when you stood up to them I thought that was great."

"Thanks, Sam." I said.  "I shouldn't have lost my temper.  And probably
didn't need to say some of the things I said."  I tried to smile even
though this conversation wasn't much fun for me.

"No."  Sam said confidently.  "You said EXACTLY the things that should be
said.  And if those fucks are too stupid to realize it, well that's their
problem."

Sam usually didn't get this animated about anything.  As he finished Rob
walked up to our table.

"Hey guys," he was smiling as if nothing the least bit strange had been
going on for the last week or so.  I don't know how that guy does it.  That
ability to smile, to always be so damn charming even when the world is self
destructing.  It's disgusting really that anybody can be so . . . so nice.

"Hey Rob," Sam looked up and smiled.  "You wanna join us?"

"Ah . . . sure.  I just thought I'd see how things are goin.  Anybody give
you a hard time today?" asked Rob as if he were my protector, my bodyguard
or something.

"Nah, not really," I said.  "Just a bunch of stupid comments that I could
live without but no one's actually come up to my face and said anything."

"I just told Andy that what he said . . . well, that I'm cool with what
happened yesterday."  Sam was smiling at Rob as he spoke.

"Cool," Rob smiled at Sam and then turned to me.  "You goin' to the meeting
today?"

"I guess," I sighed.  I didn't really want to, but at this point I guess I
was pretty much the poster child for the GSA club.  And besides, I felt
like I owed it to Neil for some reason.

"What meeting?" asked Sam.

"The one that started this whole thing," I said.  "Jeremy's favorite club.
The gay straight alliance."

"You guys . . . you both going?" Sam said looking at Rob.  I realized that,
well, despite the rumors, no one really knew whether Rob actually had
attended the meeting or whether Rob was in fact gay.

"Yup," said Rob confidently.  I looked over at him and smiled for the first
time all day.  So there it was.  Just as simple as a 'yup' at lunch and Rob
had essentially shared his secret.  At least with Sam.  And the world
didn't stop spinning.

"Cool," Sam said grinning.  "Well, I better go.  See you guys later."

Rob and I sat alone at the table.  "You sure you're okay?" he asked.

"Not really."

"Have people been giving you shit?"

"No.  I mean . . . it's not that.  It's not just that.  I called Travis
last night.  I told him . . . about Sunday."

"Oh," his eyes got big.  "But . . . I mean, nothing really happened,
right?"

"Well, he was pretty angry.  It's the first time we've ever fought."

"Wow.  So um, what happened?"

"I dunno.  I mean I tried to tell him that it wasn't a big deal but he was
just really upset and then he . . . he just sort of stopped the
conversation.  Said he couldn't talk to me about it anymore.  I . . . I'm
really scared."

"God Andy, I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean for this to happen."

"It's not your fault Rob.  I'm sorry to whine to you about this stuff.  I'm
sure you really don't want to hear all this."

"Andy, I'm your friend.  Of course I want to hear all this.  "I mean, I
know I've got to start shifting my head a little bit which will probably
take some time, but I like you.  And not just because I think you're cute.
I like hanging with you, I like doing stuff together.  And part of being
your friend means listening to the what's going on in your life.  All of
it."

"Thanks," I said, trying to smile.

After school I headed over to Mr. Walbaum's room for the GSA meeting.
Neil, of course, made a huge deal over what happened the previous day which
made me feel a bit uncomfortable even if I knew he was trying to be nice.
Rob just kept looking over at me and smiling like a big brother or
something.  The meeting itself was pretty uneventful.  We talked about what
it was like to be out at our school and how some people were cool with it
and some people would freak out.  I mentioned how awesome Sara had been for
me and how even people you don't expect (I was thinking about Sam) could
sometimes surprise you.

All the way home I thought about Travis and how I had to talk to him.  I
had to get him to understand that I hadn't really cheated on him and that I
really wanted us to be together, at least this summer.  I kept talking in
my head, trying over and over again to figure out what I was actually going
to say to him.

It took me a long time but eventually I got up the courage to call him
after dinner.  I still didn't know what I was gonna say to him.

"Hey," he answered softly.

"Hey," We were silent for a moment, neither of us sure what to say.

"So, ah, whazzup?" his voice was distant and cool.

"I'm calling to apologize.  Again."  I heard the words come out, choppy and
awkward.  "First off, I was wrong to kiss him Travis.  I know that and I
really am sorry about it."

He didn't say anything.

"It was stupid.  I shouldn't have done it and I feel really really sorry.
I wish I could take it back."

I waited for him to say something, anything!  Still: silence.

"So, umm, I really hope you'll forgive me, Travis.  Because you're
. . . you're everything to me, okay?  It's like, I can't even explain how
horrible today was because we fought.  I love you."

I could hear his breathing.  Why wasn't he saying anything?!

"Do you Andy?  I mean, really?" Travis finally started talking.  "Ever
since you called last night I've been thinking about what you said.  And I
realized why I was so angry last night.  It wasn't about the kiss.  Well,
it WAS about the kiss.  But not just about that.  I was angry about what
you said earlier.  About . . . us drifting apart.  And then when you told
me what happened, I began to wonder."

"About what," I could barely breathe.  I didn't want to hear what he was
going to say next.

"About us.  About the distance.  Do you really want us to try to keep doing
this even though we're so far apart?"

"Of course I do!"  I felt my heart fall into my stomach.  I couldn't
believe Travis was having doubts about us.  "Travis, look.  I know what I
said the other night about us being far apart.  But, I didn't mean that I
wanted things to change.  I just needed to tell you what I was feeling,
okay?"

"I know," he said softly.  "But maybe we're just putting off the
inevitable.  Maybe we can't keep this up from so far apart."

I didn't know what to say.  I was afraid I was going to start crying.

"Is that what you think?" I whispered.

"Not really.  But if it's what you think than maybe-"

"It's not what I think!" I burst out.  "That's not what I want at all.  I
want you.  I want us!"  I was sniffling and whining at the same time.
"Before I called you I was talking to Sara and she asked me what I would do
if lived here.  Would I choose you or Rob.  And I didn't even have to think
about the question, Travis.  It took no time.  I knew exactly what the
answer was before she even finished the question.  It was you.  You're who
I want.  You're who I love."

"But I'm not there.  And you're not here.  You still think we can keep
doing this?"

"I do."

Travis laughed softly.  "We're not getting married, Andy."

I smiled for the first time in our conversation.  "Well, maybe not yet!"

We were both silent again.

"God I'm so glad," I could hear Travis sniffling now.  "I thought maybe you
didn't want to keep going.  I miss you every day, every night Andy.  I'm
not ready to give up yet."

"Neither am I.  I'm so sorry about all this.  I love you."

"It's okay.  I know, I know."

I curled up on my bed, holding myself and pretending that Travis was with
me as we whispered goodnight.

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SPRING BREAK CRUISE

February 2005

Sorry the updated chapters have taken so long!  I thought I had the story
pretty much ready to go, but I received got some suggestions and ideas from
readers that made me think about some revisions.  So while it's taking a
little longer, hopefully the story is better!

This is a work of fiction.  I hope you enjoy it! Please do feel free to
write to me at: billynkyle@yahoo.com or you can try me on MSN Messenger or
Yahoo Messenger at: billynkyle@yahoo.com.  Comments and critiques are
welcome.

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons

Attribution-NoDerivs-NonCommercial License.
To view a copy of this license, visit
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd-nc/1.0/

or send a letter to:
Creative Commons,
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Stanford, California 94305, USA.
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