Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 22:11:08 -0400 (EDT)
From: Anthony Tony <tunistony@aol.com>
Subject: Starting Over- Chapter 4

All the characters andsituations are fictional and are made up from my
brilliant imagination. Enjoy!


A/N: This may be the last installment for a while because I don't know if I
can keep up regular updating like you may desire. Please be patient with me
because I really do want to continue this series. This series is very near
and dear to my heart, and so are you guys, so I'll try my hardest to
deliver. Thanks, Tony :)


email those comments please!
email: tunistony@aol.com


By: Tony



Starting Over


Chapter 4




  There was a lot of avoidance and awkwardness after the embarrassing
incident at my house, and surprisingly it was mostly from Cole and not
Kevin. Kevin and I resolved our issues the following day and he apologized
and told me that it's going to take him some time to get used to the 'new
me', but he'll try. However, Cole has been cold and distant. He avoids me
whenever we run into each other and in the two classes that we have
together he makes a point to avoid looking at me. His treatment towards me
hurts more than I could ever admit.


    Since he's been ignoring me I took my chance to confront him at
lunch. I saw him walking past the cafeteria so I told everyone (aka the
jock crew) that I had to go to the bathroom. I watched him walk down the
hall; he was oblivious to the fact that someone was watching him. He
happened to walk into the bathroom so I followed him in. He had his back
turned to me and he was about to go to one of the urinals when I violently
pulled him back by his shirt and pushed him up against the nearest wall.


   He made a squeak noise and looked terrified. I knew I was being
unnecessarily rough, but he was pissing me off at this point. I do regret
it though because I saw genuine fear in his eyes. I never want to see that
again.


   "What are you doing!" I yelled at him. Then he looked totally
confused. I guess I was the one acting strange.


   "Matt?" Cole gasped. "What are you doing?" He asked still looking
scared.


   "Why are you avoiding me? You don't talk to me anymore and you just flat
out ignore me." I probably sounded insane.


   I realized that I was still pushing him up against the wall so I stepped
away from him and gave him some room. He looked less scared and just as
confused.


  "I thought it was pretty obvious why I've been avoiding you," Cole
responded quietly.


   "Are you talking about when we...kissed?" I held my breathe waiting for
his answer but he just nodded. I hesitated, startled, "I thought you liked
me," I said pathetically.


   "I do, I just thought that maybe you were still straight. I thought I
took it too far. I knew that you had changed recently but I thought maybe
your orientation hadn't."


   "Cole, I kissed you," I said quietly, I don't think he heard me because
he kept frantically explaining.


   "And then Kevin walked in and he saw us. And I've probably ruined your
friendship with him. And you probably hate me and think that I've corrupted
you," Then he looked up at me like he just realized I was standing
there. "I'm sorry".


   "Cole, calm down," I said softly, putting my hands on both his
shoulders. "First of all Kevin saw nothing. You didn't ruin our
relationship, trust me if anyone is ruining that friendship it's me. Also,
I don't know if I could call myself completely straight because I like you,
a lot. And my sister informed me that if I like you, like that, then I
might be 'kinda' gay," I said with a smirk.


  "So, you're not totally straight, and you're 'kinda' gay," He looked like
he was trying to figure it out. I hope he figures it out because I feel
just as confused as he looks.


   "Yeah, basically".


   "Then you're bi".


   "Bi?" I asked confused. I guess it's the memory loss, but I can't place
what that word means.


   "Oh, um, bisexual. It means you can be attracted to both genders,"


   "Oh, okay. Maybe that's what I am. I'm actually not sure because the
only person I'm attracted to right now is you," I said more to myself. I
forgot that Cole could still hear me but when I saw his shocked yet hopeful
expression I immediately got embarrassed.


   "Really?"


   "Uh, yeah, totally," I stared into his sparkling blue eyes, then a
thought donned on me. "I just want to be clear though, you are gay, right?"


   He looked at me like I had just told the best joke, "Yes, I am".


   I started rubbing his cheek with my hand and then without even thinking
we both leaned in and kissed. It was more tender than last time, but also
more certain. It was definitely no accident. But of course whenever me and
Cole try to have a moment alone it's always ruined. This time it was
someone forcefully pulling Cole away from me. It was so fast I barely knew
what happened until I saw Sam pushing Cole into the wall, similar to how I
did earlier, which made me cringe. Sam is the sort of 'leader' of the jock
douches that I used to hang out with. I've also learned that he is known to
be pretty nosy.


   Cole looked terrified again and I was feeling the same way too,
honestly. "Sam?" ,was all I could muster up because of how stunned I was.


   "Hey Matt I saw this little faggot all over you and I thought I should
help you out," He said with a smirk, as he pushed Cole harder into the
wall.


    I cringed at that f-word, I knew it wasn't good, "No, Sam you don't get
it--" I said quickly.


    "No it's okay man I understand. You still have this whole head injury
thing and you don't know what the fuck is going on. This kid was obviously
taking advantage of you, but it's okay I got you," He looked satisfied with
himself like he was helping somehow.


    "Sam really, don't do this, you don't understand," I said while
advancing towards him.


   It's like Sam didn't hear me because he turned his attention back to
Cole, "How 'bout you start talking, huh? Why don't you explain why you were
taking advantage of him and fucking up his head even more with your
gayness, huh," with every sentence he would shove Cole. I was about to stop
him then he did something that made my blood run cold. "Huh, you little
faggot," Then Sam shoved Cole to ground and he fell with a whimper.


   I instantly grabbed Sam by his arm, swung him around and punched him so
hard and fast that he didn't know what happened. Cole had gotten off the
ground and stared at Sam as if he couldn't believe what he saw. I was about
to go to Cole when Sam had to say something again.


   "Why the fuck are you defending this faggot?" Sam said weakly holding
his face while still on the ground.


   I saw red at that point and I couldn't control myself, it was like I was
having an outer body experience. I kicked him hard so that he wouldn't get
up off the ground. Then I got on top of him and just started pummeling his
face. I could vaguely hear someone shouting my name and screaming for me to
stop. I couldn't even control myself I was like on autopilot, just going on
instinct. Sam's face was getting bloody and I didn't stop until someone was
pulling me off of him. I later found out it was a teacher.


  I looked at Sam laying on the ground with a bloody face and I felt no
remorse. I looked over at Cole and he looked at me like I was a
monster. That's when I felt guilty. That's when I felt like a monster.


________________________________________________________________________



  The principal's office was a blur, it was also a blur when my parents
came, they talked to the principal and tryed to explain that I did this
because of a side effect of the amnesia. The result of all of the mayhem
was that I was suspended for a week. And hopefully Sam won't press
charges. After they cleaned up his face he didn't look that bad, just the
beginnings of a black eye and a possible broken nose.


   I don't know what came over me, but when he kept saying that f-word to
refer to Cole I just couldn't handle it. It's like that word was my trigger
to fight. I don't even care about the suspension, but the thing that I do
care about is that Cole probably hates me now, or he's, at the least,
scared of me.



   "Matt, Matt! Are you even listening," my dad pulled me out of my
thoughts. I better pay attention he looks so upset.


  "You are in a lot of trouble so you better start explaining son," my dad
yelled in the most disappointed voice I could ever remember.


   "I--uh--I don't know what to say," I stuttered out while rubbing my head
in frustration. I really had no way to explain what I did.


   My mom looked so distraught, I could tell all the things that had been
happening to me lately had been bringing her down.


   "Honey, please explain to your father and I what's been going on with
you. I know you have this whole amnesia thing going on but violence, that
was never like you".


   I looked at them with a blank expression, "I wish I could explain
everything that's going on in my head right now. I really wish I could
because that would help all of us, wouldn't it. Like you said mom, I've
been acting unlike myself. Doing things that I would 'never' do. Trust me,
I know, everyone has told me that. But guess what, if you think it's hard
for you guys, imagine how difficult this must be for me. I literally have
no clue what I'm supposed to do anymore and I'm only going on instinct and
my instinct seems to always be wrong". I was red in the face by time I
finished ranting. My dad looked even more confused and my mom had a sad
expression on her face.


    "Well, son, can you at least explain to us why you did it," my dad
asked solemnly.


    I looked at both of them and tried to find an excuse, "I -- I was
defending a friend. That Sam guy is bad news and he was getting way too
aggressive... so I stopped him," I said simply with a shrug.


    "You more than stopped him, you knocked him unconscious. And you looked
like you had no regrets. That's sociopathic," my dad said worriedly.


     My mom looked horrified at his words, "Don't even say that. He's not
crazy, he's just going through a lot right now," Then she looked at me,
"Your metal state is perfectly fine".


    "Except for the fact that I can't remember anything," I muttered
pathetically.


    My mom got up from her seat, walked over to me and immediately embraced
me really tight, as if she was never going to let go. "Matt, you know that
you can always come to us, no matter what".


    I still wasn't completely comfortable around my parents, but in this
moment everything just felt right, and my mom's embrace felt good and
somewhat...familiar.


_________________________________________________________________________




  After some 'soft words' from my mom and some stern 'talking-to' from my
dad, they both informed me that I was grounded until my suspension was
over. Even though I thought the suspension was the punishment, but I guess
parents have to go one step further. I went to my room after their talk
with me and just laid on my bed and sat in silence for an hour, just
letting my thoughts race, which is never a good thing. Finally I couldn't
take it anymore and I decided what I needed to do. I needed to talk to
someone. But 'stupid me', I called the one person who didn't want to talk
to me... Cole.


   "What do you want," is the harsh greeting I get on the other end of the
line, when I called Cole.


   "Hi, to you too," I say quietly.


   "You have no right to call me and then act like I'm the one who's out of
line," he replied in a sharp tone. I've never heard him sound so upset
before.


   "I'm sorry I just-- I wanted to hear your voice".


   There was a long pause, it felt like the longest pause in existence, but
in actuality it was probably only a few seconds. "I don't know what to say
to you," Cole stated with a sigh.


   I felt gutted, I knew he was upset about what happened. "Well, can you
just humor me anyway".


   "Don't act like everything's normal, nothing about this situation is
normal. You beat up a guy to a bloody pulp. That's not normal".


    I was starting to get worked up just listening to him call me 'not
normal', I clenched my fist and closed my eyes in order to not loose my
cool. "I think I might have anger issues," I said the last part more to
myself, thinking that he wouldn't be able to hear me.


   "Yeah, you think." He sighed heavily into the phone, "You know, I am
flattered that you came to my defense like that but-- but I just don't like
violence for any reason. You may think that's a sissy mentality but that's
just me, I guess".


   "I'm really sorry about that--"


   "Don't apologize to me, you didn't beat me up, apologize to that guy,"
Cole said swiftly.


   "Hey! You might of forgotten but he called you a faggot and pushed you
to the ground. Okay. I might not remember everything but I definitely know
that that is not okay," I felt bad for yelling at him, but I couldn't
believe he was defending that jerk.


   "Yeah, I know that. I clearly remember every time someone calls me that,
which is more often than I would like. But, I never physically attacked
someone for calling me that," He stopped as if he was thinking of what to
say next. "I can take care of myself you know".


   "Yeah, okay," I said sarcastically with a huff.


    "Excuse me? You don't think I can take care of myself. Look, I took
care of myself way before you and your 'alternate self' came along. Before
you started taking interest in me. I was fine before you, and I'll be fine
after this phase that you're in goes away".


    "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm not going through a
phase... I like you. And I'm sorry if I got a little crazy today, but I
just don't want to see anyone disrespect you, or hurt you".


    "Matt, you have some issues that I've never encountered before. You're
like no one that I've ever known".


    "So what does that mean...", I wanted to ask 'what does that mean for
us', but I couldn't muster up the courage to finish.


    "That means I don't know how to help you. I can't help you," He says in
a distant voice.


     "I'm not asking for help, I'm just looking for support, maybe
companionship". 'I feel so alone', is the thought I didn't vocalize.


     "Matt, believe it or not I don't really know you, I never really knew
you. I don't know what you're 'feelings' might be telling you, but we were
never... a thing," Cole said quickly. Almost too quickly, like he couldn't
get it out unless he said it fast.


     "Cole I --"


     "I gotta go. Bye Matt," then he hung up and that was it.


      I feel like everything that's feels good in my life won't stay for
too long. I guess that's why in the past I probably concealed my true
feelings. It was probably easier that way. I should probably just go back
to acting like that. It was... easy.


___________________________________________________________________



To Be Continued....


email for comments/ or concerns at: tunistony@aol.com


I hope you guys like the twists and turns, please don't kill me for this
chapter.


;) Tony