Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:47:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starving For Love-Chapter 16. Know When To Listen

     I sat on my bed while Charlie told me all the reasons why
Tom shouldn't have been at my therapy session. Charlie talked and
I tuned him out and imagined Tom's arm around me comforting me.
"Do you understand?" Charlie asked. I was still thinking about
Tom. "Sam, do you understand?"

     I mumbled, "Yeah I understand." Charlie could be with Matt
but I couldn't be with Tom. It wasn't fair. I said, "I understand
that you're not being fair."

      "How many times do we have to go over this? It's not about
being fair. It's about helping you work through your problems."

     "You're not helping me work through anything." The voice in
my head that had been somewhat quieted by the medications found
its voice again and I heard statements like: `He's lying.' `If he
wanted to help you then he would let you spend time with Tom.' I
tried to shake the thoughts away but they kept getting louder and
then the voice asked, `Why does he get to be with Matt but you
can't be with Tom?' My lips brought the thought to life before I
had time to censor myself. "Why do you get to be with Matt and I
can't be with Tom? Matt is more screwed up than I am."

     "I'm not with Matt. I have a gir-," there was a slight
pause, "Matt is just my friend."

     "Tom's my friend!"

     "Tom is more than your friend!"

     "Well you act like Matt is more than your friend!"

     "We're just friends!"

     "He sat in your lap!" I exclaimed.

     "He likes being close to me, but he knows I'm not gay."

     "Then why do you let him be all over you?"

     "Because it doesn't bother me. Matt hasn't crossed the line
and I don't think he will."

     I didn't understand how he could be comfortable with Matt
touching him if he wasn't interested in Matt. "Why doesn't it
bother you?"

     He sighed loudly. "I think of Matt as a kid. When he kisses
me or sits in my lap, it's just like Kristy doing those things or
you. Why would that bother me?"

     "I'm not a kid. I'm two years younger than you and Matt is
older than I am."

     "You're both kids to me." He laughed. "I'm an adult. You
still have a couple of years before you can say that." Charlie
walked over to the bed and put me in a headlock then gave me a
noogie. "It's my job as your older brother to remind you that
you're younger than me." He released me and smiled. I tried
unsuccessfully to suppress my own smile. "Is that a smile I see?"
Charlie asked.

     "No, my lips wanted some time apart."

     Charlie grinned. "Careful, someone might mistake that as a
sign of happiness."

     I laughed but my mind was racing. I wasn't sure why I was
smiling and I suddenly felt out of place as if getting along with
my brother was something I didn't have any business doing. I
began screaming at myself to keep smiling but I couldn't. Charlie
immediately recognized the change. He started backing away from
me and quietly sat on his mattress and opened one of his
textbooks.

     I sat on my bed analyzing the conversation I had with
Charlie and wishing he would say something to me. Half an hour
later, Charlie's phone started ringing. He answered it and smiled
at me then threw me the phone. I put it to my ear. "Hello?"

     "Hi Sam. It's Matt."

     "Hey. What's going on?"

     "Nothing."

     "Oh."

     There was silence then Matt brought up his new family. He
wanted to know what I thought about each person. I told him his
new mother was amazing and I wished I had a mother like her. I
heard Charlie say, "You do," but I pretended I didn't hear it and
I kept talking to Matt.

     Matt and I talked for an hour. I got the impression that he
really liked his temporary placement and I hoped it would be
permanent for him. Mr. Washington came in to talk to Matt, so
Matt told me he would see me at school.

     Charlie had fallen asleep on his mattress and I saw it as an
opening to talk to Tom and I wasn't going to miss it. I dialed
Tom's cell phone and waited for him to answer. He sounded half
asleep when I heard him say, "Hello."

     "Hey, Tom," I whispered.

     "Hey!"

     "Sorry for calling so late, but Charlie fell asleep and I
have his phone and I just wanted to call and say goodnight."

     "Aww, that's so sweet. If I was there I'd give you a kiss."

     "No you wouldn't."

     "Yes I would."

     "You'd be too busy running from Charlie." I meant it as a
joke but I didn't laugh and neither did Tom.

     "I wouldn't let Charlie or anybody else keep me away from
you."

     His words ran directly to my heart and wrapped around it. He
wasn't going to let anybody keep him away from me. It was further
proof that he loved me. He had to love me. Why else would he go
through all that just to be with me? I didn't think I was worth
it, but he did. I was worth at least that much to him. Charlie
rolled over and I was afraid he might wake up. "I have to go.
I'll see you tomorrow."

     "Okay, but would you do me a favor?"

     "Sure."

     "Would you dress like you did today?"

     "I'll think about it." I implied I had a choice I knew I
didn't have. Charlie was going to approve my outfit again so I
would be dressed like a normal teenager whether I liked it or
not.

     "Good just think about it and how happy it would make me to
see you that way."

     "Goodnight Tom."

     "Goodnight my love." `My love,' the words brought a smile to
my face. I held the phone and pretended Tom was saying it over
and over again. `Goodnight my love.' My thoughts were interrupted
by the sound of Tom's voice. "One of us has to hang up," he said.

     I grinned. "You go first."

     "Alright. I'm saying goodnight again and I am hanging up.
Goodnight Sam."

     "Goodnight." A few seconds passed then he hung up. I held
the phone and thought about seeing him at school the next day.

     I sat Charlie's phone on his charger and I moved to the
floor on the other side of my bed and did some push-ups and some
sit ups until Charlie started tossing and turning a lot and I was
afraid he would wake up and catch me. I decided to go to the
bathroom and brush my teeth before I went to sleep.

     In the bathroom I had just finished brushing my teeth when I
felt the need to do something to myself. I was alone and upset
with Charlie for always being there and for pretending like we
could be normal brothers. I kept seeing flashes of us laughing
and smiling. I stared at my reflection long enough to realize I
was also a little upset with Charlie for not waking up and coming
to stop me from what I was planning to do. Driven by impulse and
a desire to feel a particular kind of high again, my hand reached
for a pack of razors. I told myself not to do it. `Don't do it.
Don't do it.' My fingers wrapped around a razor and brought it
towards me. I changed my tune and told myself, `Just one time.
Just one time.'

     An image of Tom danced in my head and I put the razor down.
I couldn't do that to Tom. I promised I would stop. I wanted to
stop. I didn't want to hurt myself. The razor seemed to call out
to me and beg me to look at it again. I didn't want to do it, but
I couldn't stop myself. I grabbed the razor and tried to think of
a good place to cut. I knew my thighs would be too obvious
because Charlie was sure to look there in the morning and he
would notice new marks. I needed to cut a different place and it
had to be a place where Charlie wouldn't check.

     I held the razor and stared at it then I heard, "What the
fuck are you doing?" I dropped the razor in the sink and looked
over at the door.

     Charlie was standing in the doorway with an accusatory look
on his face. It felt as if the hospital scene was repeating
itself and I didn't know what to say, so I said the first thought
I had, "I locked the door."

     He held up a key. "And I unlocked it! Now what are you
doing?"

     I knew a key existed to the bathroom, but I didn't know
Charlie actually knew where it was. I couldn't remember anyone
using it. "Shaving," I answered.

     "Like hell you were! You don't shave yet!"

     "I was,"

     He walked over to the sink and took out the razor. He held
it in front of my face and said, "Don't lie to me!"

     "I'm sorry."

     Charlie threw the razor behind me then he grabbed my
shoulders and squeezed so tightly it hurt. He shook me. "What is
wrong with you? Why do you keep doing this shit?"

     I felt the tears sliding down my face. "I don't know."

     "You have to stop this." I became a blubbering mess and
Charlie pulled me to him and held me while I cried. I wished I
could tell him that I wasn't going to do anything, but I knew I
would have cut myself if he hadn't walked in because I wanted to
have that feeling of peace for the fleeting seconds that it
lasted. I wanted to get away from Charlie and I only knew one way
to do it but I was glad he stopped me. I somehow managed to get
control of myself and pull away from Charlie then I barely heard
him ask me, "What can I do to make you better?"

     "Stop being my shadow," I mumbled.

     "What did you say?"

     I couldn't repeat it. I didn't want to risk upsetting him
more so I lied, "Nothing."

     "It wasn't nothing. If you have something to say then say
it."

     "It doesn't matter. You don't listen to anything I say."

     He leaned against the sink and said, "I'm listening now."

     "You blame Tom for everything that's wrong with me. No
matter what I say you don't listen. You think I don't know what
I'm talking about but I do. If you love me you should be thankful
I met Tom. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. In
case you haven't noticed, I don't deal well with things."

     "You were fine before you met Tom."

     "I was being picked on every day until Tom came along. Tom
made everything better. He didn't make me anorexic. I made myself
that way. He didn't make me hurt myself. I did that all on my own
and I promise you Tom hates those things as much as you do. Tom
wants me to get better and he tries to help me. You don't know
what he does. He does everything he can. When we're at school, he
puts food on my tray and begs me to eat it. He bargains with me
all the time so that I'll eat things. When he found out I was
hurting myself he blamed himself for not seeing it, and it was
the shame of knowing he knew and knowing how much it hurt him
that compelled me to try to change. I've slipped up a few times
since he found out, but I've also been able to hold back because
of him. If this was a couple of months ago, I would have used
that razor as soon as I walked in the bathroom, but I didn't. In
fact, it didn't cross my mind to use it until I saw it. Thinking
about Tom kept me from doing it for a few minutes, but then I
thought about you and how you've been towards me and I felt I had
to do it. You're everywhere and I can't take it."

     "I let you hang out with Matt."

     "I need more space."

     "I'm just trying to help. You may not realize Tom is a part
of your problem but I do. I see how you are with him and how he
is with you. It's not something you would notice. You need him
and he needs you. Maybe you do love each other. I won't say you
don't, but I will say that the way you love each other isn't
good. You're complaining that I don't listen to you but you don't
listen to me either. I've told you repeatedly that your
relationship with Tom is unhealthy. I'm not saying it because I
don't like Tom. I mean I'm not saying I like Tom. I think it's
pretty clear that I can't stand the guy, but there's still
something wrong with the way you two are about each other. Your
world revolves around him and you shouldn't love anybody more
than you love yourself."

     I almost laughed because even Charlie had to see that I
didn't love myself at all. Loving anybody meant I loved them more
than I loved myself that was true by default. I wanted to tell
him that there was little if anything to love about me and that I
was constantly amazed by Tom's ability to find worthwhile
qualities in me. I knew Charlie wouldn't understand so I didn't
say those words. I told him, "I can't live like this. I need my
space."

     "You haven't earned your space."

     "Charlie, I mean it. You don't want me to hurt myself and I
don't want to hurt myself either but it's the only way I know how
to deal with what's going on. You hovering over me is making me
want to hurt myself. What else do you need me to say?"

     Charlie looked at me and I couldn't tell what he was
thinking. He was quiet for a few moments. "If you had said it
that way before, without all the whining and the sarcastic
comments, I would have heard you. I don't want to be your excuse
to keep hurting yourself so if you need me to back off a little
then I will."

     I interpreted his words as his way of saying he was going to
let me hang out with Tom again but I knew I needed to ask. "Does
this mean I can hang out with Tom again?"

     "Not yet, but I will let you have some time in your room by
yourself. I understand that you probably want to do some things
in private."

     He winked at me and I got it. He thought I wanted to jerk
off, which wasn't the case at all, but I was willing to accept a
little more privacy under any circumstances so I smiled and
sheepishly said, "Yeah."

     He leaned off of the sink and suggested we get to bed. The
talk hadn't resolved our issues but it had helped. The irony was
that I was pleased Charlie had been there to keep me from hurting
myself. His actions proved to me that he would be there when I
needed him. It was a crazy test really. Dr. Conley would tell me
I had set Charlie up to fail the same way I had done Tom so many
times. Charlie didn't know he was being tested and it was unfair
to him and to me because if Charlie had failed I would have
blamed myself and seen it as a sign that he didn't really care
but that would have been another example of me being irrational.
Charlie passing the test had nothing to do with whether he cared
about me or not and passing the test should have had no impact on
my perception of Charlie's ability to be there for me. Charlie
passed the test because he happened to wake up at the right time.
It was as simple as that.

     My mind was busy thinking and I had just gotten in my bed
when Charlie asked, "Did you take your pill?"

     "No."

     He left the room and came back with a cup of water and my
pill. I took the pill and fantasized that Charlie wasn't the
brother who was trying to drug me to follow his orders, he was
the brother who was trying to keep me medicated so I could be
healthier. His misguided attempts to control my life were just
extensions of his love for me and his hope that he could be the
one who saved me. Charlie was trying to build me up to be strong
enough to stand on my own two feet instead of letting Tom carry
me. I couldn't be upset with Tom for trying to help me and I
couldn't hate Charlie for wanting to help me too. They both had
the same mission which was to make me better by helping me get
closer to normal, the only problem was that Charlie and Tom were
in competition with each other.

     I lied in my bed thinking about it for a while then I
whispered, "Charlie."

     "Yes?"

     "If you want me to be better and Tom wants me to be better,
and you're both working towards that goal, wouldn't it be easier
if the two of you were working together?"

     "Go to sleep." He rolled over on his mattress and closed
himself off from the conversation.

     I was upset with him for not answering my question. I
started thinking of ways I could hurt myself in the bed while
Charlie had his back to me. I thought of lots of things I could
do. I thought about pinching myself or biting myself or
scratching myself, then I started getting creative with my ideas
by thinking of unique places to do it. I fell asleep fantasizing
about ways to hurt myself.

     Charlie woke me up the next morning and he had a smile on
his face. "Let's make a deal," he said, showing his perfect white
teeth as his words sent quick breezes of his nicely freshened
breath. "If you're good for the rest of the week then you, me,
Tom and Janet will go out on a double date this weekend."

     I didn't know he was dating Janet again. He had dated her
off and on in high school but he hadn't mentioned her at the
dinner table since he started college. "You're dating Janet
again?"

     He looked guilty for a moment like I had caught him with his
hand down his pants. "I guess I should confess." He took a deep
breath then said, "She's the reason why I can see what's wrong
with you and Tom. In many ways she's like my Tom only not so
extreme," he said, "but I know how to deal with her now. I love
her. I'll probably always love her. She just isn't my entire
world anymore." Charlie sat on the side of the bed. "I don't know
how much you remember, but Janet really did a number on me. I
thought the sun rose and set on her. She was my life, and then
she wasn't and then she was again and then she wasn't and then
she was and then she wasn't and then I hated her and then I
didn't and then she called me and we talked about it and decided
to be friends. I dated a few girls and she dated a few guys but I
think we both still wanted each other so we've been dating for
the past two months." He laughed to himself, "You can't tell Mom
though because she feels about Janet the same way I feel about
Tom. Mom was the one stuck picking up the pieces when Janet hurt
me time and time again, but here I am, putting myself back out
there for Janet. She's changed though, she's matured and I've
matured and I'm no longer her doormat and she doesn't want me to
be her doormat. I wish you would find someone other than Tom, but
I can't make that choice for you, so I want to do the next best
thing. I look at you and Tom and can't help but think that if I
almost fell apart because of Janet, you'd probably die if you
couldn't be with Tom and I don't want to lose you so I feel like
it's my responsibility to prepare you to be your own person. Love
doesn't come with a guarantee that it'll last forever. What
happens if one day it's just you?"

     `I'd want to die,' I thought. "The only way Tom would leave
me is if something happened to him. He loves me."

     "He loves you now but sometimes love changes or fades. He's
your first love that doesn't mean he'll be your only love or your
last love. I'm not telling you to love him any less or to think
that it won't last. All I'm saying is you need to be okay with
you so that if the day ever comes when it's just you, you'll be
able to deal with it. I'm telling you this from experience. I
know you think I'm perfect, but I'm not. I have the same
insecurities and fears as everyone else. I want to be loved and I
worry if I'm good enough or if I'm cute enough or kind enough. We
all have something that we think is wrong with us. For years my
problem was wondering why you liked Tom more than me. I thought I
had messed up or offended you somehow. I may not have shown it,
but it hurt every time I tried to reach out to you only to have
you slap my hand away."

     I reminded him, "You used to complain every time Mom told
you to walk me home or pick me up."

     "I'll let you in on a little secret." He made a dramatic
pause then said, "A few times I complained because I had other
plans, but most of the time I complained because I already knew
what would happen: I would try to talk to you and you would
ignore me. Dealing with you was mentally exhausting. It was
easier to just not deal with you, but things are different now,
we're talking and I'm thankful for that."

     Charlie kept surprising me with his memories of how things
happened between us. It was strange how his versions always had
me pushing him away and him wanting us to be closer. According to
him, I was the one who had damaged our relationship. I was tired
of hearing his rendition of our history but I understood that we
saw the same events differently and I had already decided to
abandon my efforts to correct him and tell him how things really
were. I sat up. "So you want to help me because you think losing
Tom would be the end of me?"

     "That's part of it, but that's not the only reason. I love
you and I want to salvage our relationship before I leave."

     "Where are you going?"

     "You have to promise not to tell anyone."

     "I promise."

     "If things go well with Janet, we're going to get a place
together in the summer." Charlie smiled at me. "You're the only
other person who knows. It feels good to be able to confide in
you. Almost like we're brothers or something," he laughed.

     I laughed, "Yeah, almost."

     I wasn't sure what had changed for Charlie overnight, but he
was different towards me. He was more brotherly. The way he spoke
to me was like a friend and not like a parent. I wanted the
moment to continue and it did. He handed me my morning pill
bottle and kindly reminded me to take my medicine. He didn't hand
me the pill with a glass of water and stand over me to make sure
I did what I was supposed to do. He gave me the bottle and stood
up then walked towards the door. He turned at the door and faced
me. "Most of your shirts are black so I took out a few of my old
shirts that I thought would look nice on you. They're going to be
a little big on you but they should look fine." He nodded towards
the floor and I saw three shirts folded neatly on top of his
mattress. "You need to hurry up because you should eat before we
leave. I'll be downstairs."

     Charlie left the room and I sat there with my mouth hanging
open for at least a solid minute. He voluntarily left me alone
and with my pills. I wasn't sure what to do at first. I wondered
if it was some kind of trap. I thought maybe he was giving me
enough rope to see if I would hang myself so I decided I had to
do everything the right way. I went to the bathroom to shower.
The pack of razors was gone. I looked around the bathroom for it
just to see if he trusted me enough to leave them. My heart sank
when I couldn't find them.

     I contemplated slamming my finger in the small door on the
sink, but I didn't want to live up to Charlie's expectations of
me. I wanted to be better than Charlie thought I was, whether
Charlie was around to see it or not. I turned the hot water on in
the shower and waited until the water was hot enough to sting my
skin. I wasn't trying to burn myself. I just wanted to feel the
water and know it was touching me.

     After a particularly steamy shower, I went to my room and
decided between wearing either a green or a blue or a yellow
shirt. The decision wasn't hard. Tom loved me in blue. Charlie
was at the table when I walked in the kitchen. He didn't say
anything, but he didn't have to. There was a bowl and a spoon on
the table next to an almost empty gallon of milk and a box of
cereal. I noted the difference in the size of our bowls and
smiled. I had a regular cereal bowl with a standard spoon, but
Charlie had a medium sized mixing bowl and a tablespoon. He was
happily eating as I sat down. He pretended to concentrate on
eating, but I caught him stealing glances at me to see what I was
doing. I put about a handful of cereal in the bowl and maybe half
a cup of milk. Charlie looked up at me and I smiled and added a
little more cereal and a little more milk. He went back to eating
without saying anything.

     I estimated how many calories I was probably eating and
wondered when I would get a chance to burn them off. "Charlie,"
he looked up from his cereal, "I use to go running after school
and I was wondering if it would be okay for me to go running
today."

     "We can run together and you should ask Matt if he wants to
run with us since he's coming home with us after school. Then we
can go to the store and pick up the ingredients you need to make
me my favorite sandwich."

     "Okay." I kept eating my cereal then I felt guilty for
calling Tom and I confessed. "I called Tom last night."

     Charlie started grinning. "I know, but thanks for telling
me."

     I dropped my spoon in the cereal. "You know?"

     "You had to talk to him. I get it and we're going to work on
that."

     "Did you hear me talking to him?"

     "No. Janet wanted me to call and wake her up this morning
and I noticed a strange number in my phone. I called and Tom
answered."

     "What did he say?"

     "Nothing. I hung up and called Janet. She thinks I should
try a new approach with you. She says if I want you to trust me
then I have to trust you." He ate a big spoonful of cereal.
"Everything isn't going to change overnight but I'm going to
try." I played with my cereal. "Did you take your pill?"

     "Not yet." I pulled my pill bottle out of my pocket and took
a pill. Charlie watched. "Does this mean I get my phone back?"

     "Nice try, but no. We're taking baby steps. Today you get
bathroom privileges, tomorrow we can talk about the phone."

     I wanted to call Janet and personally thank her for what she
had said to Charlie.


Copyright Lustyville 2008
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