Date: Sun, 18 Jul 2010 17:19:12 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starving for Love-Chapter 20. Fighting Temptation

    It only took Tom a minute to finish off his sandwich then he
kept touching me while he drove. His hand was on my thigh, then
holding my hand then rubbing my arm, then back to my thigh. He
probably was doing it to reassure me that I was the one he
wanted, but it was doing more for me than that. His touch was
like sweet kisses being gently planted on me and each kiss sent a
quick burst of excitement to my brain. Every touch told me he
wanted me and the more I thought about how much he wanted me, the
more I thought about what he did to me in his room. His lips had
felt so good as he kissed his way down my body and then when his
mouth went down on my...I took a deep breath to try to suppress
my thoughts. It seemed a strange time to be thinking about sex.

     I thought about going to see Dr. Conley and that alleviated
my problem. Sex was driven further and further away from my
primary thoughts and soon it was buried under so much other
garbage that it wasn't even an afterthought. I hadn't realized I
was making myself sad until I noticed that Tom had stopped
touching me.

     "Sam, please don't be sad."

     I snapped out of it and looked over at Tom. "I'm not sad."

     "You look like you could cry."

     I wanted to cover what I was feeling so I asked, "Do you
think Brian will mind that I'm with you?"

     "He shouldn't." Tom grabbed my hand. "Is that what's
bothering you?"

     "A little. I don't want to intrude. What if he just wants
you there?"

     "Brian isn't like that. He knows what you mean to me so he
probably won't be surprised to see you." Tom turned down a street
then slammed on his breaks. "What's he doing?" He parked the car
and jumped out without telling me what was going on. I watched
him run towards a person standing against a tree. I figured the
person was Brian, but he had a hoodie on and it was pulled down
in the front so I couldn't see his face. Tom was able to
recognize him without seeing his face at all. That rubbed my
heart the wrong way.

     I got out because I wanted to hear what they were saying.
I'm not sure if I've ever seen anyone who looked so pathetic.
Brian probably could have passed for a zombie. He looked lost and
lifeless. His eyes darted towards me as I approached, then he
went back to staring at the ground. It was obvious that he had
been crying at some point but it seemed he was far beyond
shedding tears. Tom was trying to get him to walk to the car but
he wasn't moving.

     Tom looked at me and said, "Help me get him to move." Tom
grabbed Brian's right arm and I grabbed Brian's left arm. "Come
on BJ, let me take you to your grandmother's house."

     Brian slowly stood as we pulled him up. I almost let go of
him because he startled me when he said, "Thanks for coming to
get me." We put him in the backseat and Tom and I got in the car.
Brian started talking again as soon as we drove off. "One of the
kid's in the congregation found out and they told their parents
who must have told my parents. My father came to my room and took
my keys and told me to leave. Just like that. `Please leave my
house. Don't take anything with you. Just leave.' I knew this
would happen."

     I felt bad for Brian. His parents found out he was gay and
they kicked him out. His parents had presumably loved him before
they heard the news. That got me thinking. If his parents could
do that to him and they loved him, then what would my parents do
to me when they found out about my relationship with Tom? I
wasn't ready to deal with another emotional battle. I had enough
scars of my own that were just beginning to heal.

     I expected Brian to dissolve in to tears but he didn't even
sniffle. He seemed oddly cool considering his situation. That
intrigued me so I turned around and observed him. He looked
emotionally fragile like he was capable of being shattered and I
sympathized with him. Though his voice was emotionless and his
demeanor damaged, I found myself seeing something in him that
held my attention. I whispered, "Brian." It was the first time I
had ever spoken to him directly.

     His eyes looked up at me and a weak smile broke the
stillness of his face, "Hi Sam. It's nice to finally meet you."

     I wondered why he wasn't asking me what I was doing there or
why I was speaking to him. The truth was that I had said his name
just to see if he would acknowledge me. I was out of conversation
after that.

     When the smile left his face I saw a look in his eyes that
shook me and forced me to look away. He was lost and I hoped for
his sake it would only be temporary. I knew I was wrong to come
because I started to feel out of place. Brian needed Tom and just
Tom and I was trying to sell us as a package deal. Tom was good
at finding words that worked and I trusted that he wouldn't doing
anything he shouldn't do. I knew that and I had to prove to him
that I knew it.

     I summoned the courage to turn and look at Brian again.
"Would you like to be alone with Tom?"

     "Being alone with him got me here," he replied. I finally
heard sadness in his voice. The sadness seemed to underline each
of his words and bridge them together. I was relieved to hear him
express emotion because he scared me a little less. I started to
realize that I wanted Tom to drop me off at home because I was
afraid of Brian and not because I thought Brian needed to be
alone with Tom.

     I started to tell Tom to take me home but I turned to him
and saw a tear fall down his cheek. He couldn't handle this by
himself. What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I had abandoned
him because of my own issues? I closed my eyes and prayed that I
was stronger than I thought I was then I rubbed my hand down
Tom's arm and grabbed his hand. I was trying to let him know I
was there for him and he didn't have to cry. I don't know how
well my fingers translated the message, but he didn't shed
another tear, so I thought I was at least helping a little.

     Brian's grandmother's house was a wreck. The best way to
describe her house is that it looked like a place no one would
want to live. The white paint on the house was so dirty that the
house looked gray with random white areas. There was a broken
step in the front of the house and if it was possible for houses
to speak, then that house was begging to be saved from itself.

     "Do you want me to get out with you?" Tom asked.

     "No, I'll see you tomorrow." Brian opened his door. "Thank
you guys for everything." He got out of the car and walked
towards the door. He rang the doorbell and stood there for two or
three minutes without anyone answering. He started knocking on
the door and a few minutes later an older woman pulled the door
open. She had a beer in her hand.

     She screamed at him, "Don't bang on my goddamn door. You
know the hinges are already messed up!"

     He went inside and she slammed the door behind him. I
wondered how nice she was because she seemed about as nice as a
bed of nails. "I can't believe he's going to be stuck with her.
That old lady is something else. The last time I was here she
threw the Bible at me because she thought I was looking at BJ
funny."

     I was surprised that everything had ended without much
drama. I was expecting a long conversation about what happened
and a lot of crying and maybe a little whining but there was none
of that. We picked Brian up, he said a few words, we drove him to
his grandmother's house and he got out and was gone.

     "I expected things to go a little differently."

     "How so?" Tom asked.

     "I thought he'd want to talk more."

     "I knew he wouldn't. That's how Brian is. He doesn't say
much when it comes to the big things. I know someone else like
that."

     "Who?"

     "This cute guy with long black hair. He tells me a lot of
things but he doesn't like telling me how he really feels. I
usually have to drag that out of him. This guy was so in love
with me and he wanted me so badly but he was tentative and I had
to initiate everything."

     "And I bet now he tells you all the time that he loves you."

     "Oh yeah, he's constantly all over me," I elbowed him, "and
I can't get enough of it."

     "Shouldn't we be talking about what just happened with
Brian?"

     He cleared his throat. "I'm trying to not think about it."

     "Oh." I understood why he didn't want to think about it. He
gave my hand a quick squeeze and I felt this intense warmth
throughout my body. I thought of a way to keep him from thinking
about Brian. I let go of his hand and put my hand on his knee
then I let my hand slide up his thigh at a slow pace. When my
hand touched something hard, Tom sucked in air.

     "I can't drive." He pulled over and moved my hand then took
another breath. "I can't drive if you do that."

     "Why not?" I had seen more than just touching being done in
movies and people were still able to drive and as proof of this,
I had read about people doing more than touching and still
driving. The first wave of thoughts that entered my mind shouted
at me that Tom just didn't want me touching him. I looked at him
and he had more color than usual.

     "My legs feel weak when you touch me like that and I don't
want to have an accident." I smiled and put my hand back where it
was. I didn't try to jack him or anything. I applied a little
pressure so that he could feel my hand and I left it there. He
threw his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. He
turned his face towards me and it was the sexiest thing I ever
saw. His lips were like an inch apart and he was breathing
sporadically like he didn't fully remember how to do it.

     I asked him, "What are you thinking about right now?"

     "You and me," he slightly opened his eyes, "having sex on my
bed." The mention of sex made me nervous and I moved my hand
away. He raised his hand and stroked my cheek. "I'm sorry for
loving you so much."

     I leaned close to him and tried to stare in to his half-open
eyes. He was so beautiful and so sweet and so mine. In silent
seconds I loved him and hated him for being my Tom. I loved that
I had him but I hated knowing that I could lose him. I felt
possessive of him. I was the bratty kid who had a favorite toy
that I didn't want to share and like that kid, I was willing to
kick and scream and cry my eyes out if I had to but I wasn't
going to let go of him, no matter what.

     "Tom you're amazing, did you know that?"

     He smiled. "Does amazing get me a kiss?"

     I looked around. "It's still light outside. What if someone
notices us?"

     "I don't care. I just want to feel your lips on mine."

     He undid his seatbelt so he could move over enough to put
his hand behind my head and pull me in for the kiss. It was a
short kiss and he ended it by licking my bottom lip.

     "How do I taste?"

     "Like sweet goodness," he responded. I laughed. It must have
been love because I hadn't brushed my teeth since that morning.
He kissed me again then pulled away saying, "and I have a sweet
tooth," then he kissed me some more. It was a good feeling and
after it passed I was impressed with myself because I had let the
moment go by completely untainted with negative thoughts.

     When he finished kissing me, he pulled back and we stared at
each other while his hand caressed my face and traced my lips. I
wanted to bottle the way he looked at me so I could have it with
me all the time. I didn't think I would ever be sad or feel
lonely if I had that. The feelings I had when he looked at me
were almost magical. I was okay for a minute. "When are we going
to have real sex?" I asked.

     His starry eyes and goofy smile faded. "Are you sure you're
ready for real sex? I mean we just started with the intro to sex
and"

     I covered his mouth, "And this morning was amazing and I
want more."

     I expected him to ask more questions or put up a fight but
he didn't. "How soon are we talking about?"

     "I don't want to plan it. I just want it to happen soon."

     "Does today work?"

     I looked at him and saw a devious grin on his face. He might
have been worried about me biting myself or hurting myself again
but he didn't let on that he was. I tried to figure out if he was
joking about the day or if he was serious. "Not today. I should
get home."

     He laughed. "Sam, don't you know me better than that?" He
raised an eyebrow.

     "You weren't serious about today, were you?"

     "No, especially not after the way you freaked out earlier. I
know I'm a stud and all but I won't be giving you what's in these
pants anytime soon."

     He was trying to be funny but that kind of humor didn't work
when it came from people like him because he was a stud and
everything that he gave me, including what was in his pants was a
gift, even his time was a gift. I did have one concern though,
"What about what we did this morning? Can we do that again?"

     "I want to but we need to figure something because I don't
want any repeats of what happened. We have to try to keep your
emotions in check."

     I made him an indecent proposal, "Well Tom, if I have
something of someone else's in my mouth, I won't be able to bite
myself and the problem will be solved."

     He winced. "What if you have something like that in your
mouth and you bite down."

     I giggled. "Tom I would never do that to you."

     "But what if you like can't control it?"

     "There is no need to fear a repeat of what happened. I won't
be biting or drawing blood of any kind."

     Tom glanced at his watch. "You're good," he said.

     "Good at what?"

     "Distracting me." He kissed me. "Job well done!"

     "Do I get a cookie?" I joked.

     "No, but you do get to go back to your house and share that
pint of ice cream with me that you got from the store."

     "Who told you about that?"

     "Matt."

     "Figures it was him. I don't want the ice cream."

     "That's why we're going to eat it together."

     Tom quickly started the car and took off down the road.
Charlie's car was gone when we got back so I assumed he took Matt
home. My parents were at my sister's basketball game so Tom and I
were all alone. I followed Tom to my kitchen and watched him sit
down his plate. He grabbed the pint of ice cream out of the
freezer and two spoons then he pulled me towards the living room.
I didn't want to sit there because I was afraid my family would
come back but he insisted.

     Tom sat the ice cream and the spoons on the coffee table
then sat on the sofa and pulled me on top of him so that my legs
were stretched out across the sofa. My arm naturally moved around
his shoulders. I tried to stand up. "I can't sit here."

     Tom held me tight. "No one's going to see you and you can
move when you hear the door." He kissed my neck, "I want you to
stay right where you are." He stuck his tongue out and gave my
neck a tiny lick before he started gently sucking.

     "What are you doing?"

     He whispered, "I'm marking you."

     I pretended to pull away but he had a firm hold on me. "I
don't want a hickey."

     His lips were a little wet when he put them up to my ear.
"Sam, can I, please?" He let his lips hover there and he started
breathing heavily. He blew a direct breath in my ear. "I wish you
knew how badly I want you sometimes." He pressed his lips against
my neck and laughed. I waited for him to start sucking again but
he pulled away.

     "Why did you stop?"

     "Because we're alone in your house and I'm two seconds away
from picking you up and taking you to your room."

     I giggled. "I thought you said we should wait?"

     "We should and we're going to." He kissed my neck. "I'm
strong enough to fight temptation."

     That comment amused me. "What temptation? All I did was sit
in your lap."

     He put both of his arms around me and hugged me. "All you
have to do is breath and I want you." He let me go. "Let's eat
some ice cream so I can cool off."

     I grabbed the ice cream and a spoon and handed them to him.
"Maybe I should sit somewhere else."

     "Oh no, you stay where you are so I can feed you."

     "I already ate."

     "I know, but we haven't shared dessert yet." He opened the
ice cream and got a spoonful then said, "Hold the ice cream." I
held the pint. He pressed the spoon against my lips. "Now open
up." I reluctantly parted my lips and let him stick the spoon in
my mouth. I swallowed the ice cream. "Is it good?" he asked.

     "It's okay."

     "Can I taste it?" I held the pint up for him to get some. He
pushed the pint away. "I was thinking more of" he leaned in and
kissed me. He pushed his tongue in my mouth and his tongue seemed
hot. We kissed for a moment until I didn't notice the warmness of
his mouth anymore. He ended the kiss with a sweet peck on my lips
and smiled at me. "Okay that's enough of that. Let's eat."

     Tom ate most of the ice cream. He would give himself like
four spoons of it then give me one. His spoons were always
overflowing with ice cream and the spoons he gave me only had a
little ice cream on them. He wasn't trying to force me to eat a
lot and that made me want to eat what he gave me. The pint of ice
cream was gone before I knew it.

     When we were done with the ice cream, I said, "I should have
turned the tv on so we could watch something."

     "Things were nice just the way they were."

     I took the spoon from him and put it in the empty pint then
sat it on the table. "What do you want to do?"

     "I guess talk."

     "About what?"

     "Anything other than BJ."

     "Are you worried about him?"

     "Yeah. His grandmother isn't going to hurt him or anything
but her tongue is so sharp. I don't know if that's what he needs
right now." Tom started playing with my hair, "but I don't want
to talk about that."

     "Well what are we going to talk about?"

     "I don't know." He kissed my shoulder. "We could sit here."
He moved his arm and put it around me and I moved my arm from
around his shoulder. I leaned my head against his shoulder and
tried not to think about the fact that he was trying to avoid any
conversation that involved Brian. I told myself it was nothing:
just a friend worried about another friend. Tom rested his head
on mine and I somehow managed to convince myself that it was a
sign he was thinking about me and not Brian.

     I started shaking and I heard my name. "Sam. Sam wake up." I
opened my eyes and Charlie was standing over me. "Wake up
sleepyhead."

     I yawned and realized that something was weighing my head
down. I shook Tom to wake him up. He whispered my name as he woke
up, "Sam." The way he said my name made me wonder what he was
dreaming about but I wasn't wondering for long because I became
aware that I was sitting on something hard. Tom kissed my cheek.
Charlie cleared his throat.

     "Tom I think it's time for you to go home."

     Tom pointed to the table. "Okay but I get to come back
tomorrow."

     Charlie picked up the empty pint of ice cream. "Sam did you
eat some of this?"

     "Yeah. I didn't have much though."

     "But you ate some?"

     "Yeah." Charlie glared at Tom. "Fine, I'll see you
tomorrow."

     "Can I drive him home?"

     "That wasn't the deal," Charlie said.

     "Please?"

     "That wasn't the deal."

     "Charlie, come on. I'm just driving him home. I promise we
won't stop anywhere."

     Charlie shook his head. "You have to give Matt a ride too,
because he wants to come over tomorrow."

     "Okay, I can do that."

     "Okay then."

     I wondered what kind of deal the two of them had and why
Charlie was being nice to Tom so I asked Tom, "What deal did you
guys have?"

     "I told him I would get you to eat some of the ice cream and
we made a bet. If I won then I get to come over tomorrow," he was
smiling, "and I won."

     "Yeah you won." I kissed him by his lips because I didn't
want to kiss him on his lips with Charlie standing there. "You
should get going before my parents get home."

     "They're already home," Charlie said.

     I think I may have seen flashing lights. "What?"

     "They beat me home."

     "Did they see us?"

     "How could they miss you two lovebirds snuggled up on the
sofa?"

     "Did they say anything?"

     "Mom sent me in here to wake you two up and tell Tom to go
home."

     "Are they upset?"

     "I can't tell."

     Tom gave me a small squeeze. "Do you want me to stay and we
can talk to them together?"

     Charlie said, "That won't be necessary. I'm here if Sam
needs somebody."

     I needed my knife, that's what I needed. I wanted to run up
the stairs and cut myself but I was trying to close the door on
that chapter of my life. I told myself I was strong enough to get
through this without hurting myself but I wondered if that was
true. I wondered if I could fend off the thoughts that once
controlled me. It seemed like the perfect way to cope with my
problems. I remembered how good it felt when the blade would
pierce my skin and how the pain somehow helped. The pain gave me
relief and I wanted that relief; that momentary escape from
everything.

     Tom rubbed my back then kissed my cheek and I drew strength
from that. I stood slowly and Tom grabbed my hips and stood with
me. "Do you want me to stay?"

     "Yes but you don't have to. I can deal with whatever they
say. At least I hope I can."

     Tom kissed the back of my neck. "Walk me to my car."

     "Okay."

     He reached for my hand and we held hands as I walked him to
his car. I decided that it didn't matter what the neighbors saw
because my parents had already seen enough to realize Tom and I
were more than just friends. If we had just been sleeping on the
sofa that would have been one thing, but I was sitting in his
lap. I couldn't think of a way to explain that as simple
friendship. Even if he was comforting me about something I still
shouldn't have been in his lap.

     Tom gave me a short hug before he got in his car. "Call me
tonight after everything is said and done."

     "Okay."

     I walked in my house expecting my parents to be ready to
pounce on me and tell me what a loser I was and how horrible it
was that I was gay on top of my other problems. I knew my mother
would be at a loss for how to deal with me. Charlie was waiting
by the door for me. He put his arm around me and we walked to the
dining room. My mother and father were sitting at the table
discussing something. They stopped talking when I walked in.

     I spoke first, "Hi Mom. Hi Dad."

     My mother's eyes regarded me with displeasure but her words
were cordial, "Hi Honey. How are you feeling today?"

     "I'm okay."

     "Well that's lovely Honey." She forced a smile. I could tell
by the way her lips strained and her left eye twitched a little.

     I waited for one of them to mention Tom but they both
returned to their conversation like I wasn't standing there. I
couldn't take them ignoring me so I slowly backed out of the
room. Charlie still had his arm around me. I whispered, "They
didn't say anything."

     "Maybe they're cool with it," Charlie said.

     I knew my parents were not cool with me being with Tom. They
probably just didn't care enough to express it to me because that
would require them to have an actual conversation with me and
they had trouble just trying to speak to me. I was almost to my
room when I saw Kristy.

     "Did your boyfriend leave yet?" she asked with a smirk on
her face.

     Charlie was firm when he said, "Kristy shut up."

     "Sorry." She kept walking and I went in my room and lied
across my bed.

     Charlie followed me in my room. "Charlie I just want to be
alone."

     "Why?"

     "I want to lie here and pretend that they care."

     "They do care. They," he paused then started again, "they
don't know how to deal with what they saw. Once they figure it
out, they're going to want to talk to you about your relationship
with Tom."

     "Yeah, whatever. I'm not going to hurt myself so you can
leave. Please. And shut the door behind you. I promise I won't
lock it." I threw the last part in as my way of assuring him that
I wasn't going to do anything.

     He accepted it, "Okay."

     I buried my face in my pillow and screamed. My parents knew
my biggest secret and they simply didn't care. I was gay but even
that was not enough to get them to stop ignoring me. I
surrendered myself to the possibility that I might never be able
to garner their attention for longer than a minute. Then I felt
the need to counter that with a positive thought. I told myself I
may not have had my parents but I had Charlie and Tom and
sometimes Matt and that was good. I wasn't alone and I wasn't
completely misunderstood. That knowledge kept me from letting my
emotions win. I told myself again, `I'm stronger than this,' and
for a moment, I actually believed I was.


Copyright Lustyville 2010

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