Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2010 04:55:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starving for Love-Chapter 21. Acts of Attrition

     My moment of believing in myself drowned in my tears and I
began thinking of ways to help chase away the feeling of
rejection but all of my old feelings returned. I was rolling
around the bed arguing with myself and trying to talk myself
down. I had promised Charlie and Tom that I wasn't going to do
anything but as the seconds stretched out, my resistance began to
give way and the old feelings that I was constantly fighting with
broke through for the second time that day. I hated being at war
with myself.

     I started rationalizing what I could and couldn't get away
with doing. I thought about pulling some of my hair out, but the
pain from that was not sufficient enough to quell the hurt inside
me. I didn't understand why my parents wouldn't say anything to
me. They could have yelled at me and disowned me and I would have
taken that better than what they actually did. Not saying
anything to me was confirmation of everything I ever feared about
them and about our relationship. They just didn't care. Why would
they? I wasn't worth it.

     I didn't want to cut myself or burn myself because I was
paranoid that Charlie or Tom would notice but I had to do
something. I took my sore hand and slammed it down on my
nightstand. It hurt like hell. I grabbed my hand and held it
against my chest then I leaned back on the bed and reveled in the
feeling of the pain emanating in pulsating waves through my hand.
I knew the sensations wouldn't change the way I felt before my
hand started hurting, but the throbbing helped me cope for a few
minutes. I wasn't thinking about my parents. My sole focus was my
hand until the pain started fading. I thought about hitting my
hand again but I knew that wasn't good enough. I needed more.
That realization crippled me. I was trying to get better. I
wanted to be better and I couldn't get that way by reverting to
my old habits.

     I sat still battling with what I had done and mentally
bashing myself for being so stupid and so weak. I didn't
understand why it was hard for me to stop doing things to myself.
I felt powerless for a while then I was overwhelmed by a
different feeling and quickly found myself immersed in extreme
guilt. Charlie and Tom would be disappointed in me if they knew.
I didn't want to face them knowing that I had relapsed two times
in less than twenty four hours.

     The guilt began grating on me, wearing me down until it was
all I could think about. Charlie and Tom believed me when I said
biting myself was an accident and I had to go make it worse by
doing something else. They wouldn't see my hand and know what I
had done but I had to tell them because I was choking on my
guilt. I had never felt that way before. Hurting myself was
supposed to be my secret but I felt an inexplicable need to share
it; like if I didn't confess I would be suffocated by the lies.

     I called Tom. "Hey, how did it go?" he asked.

     "They pretended like nothing happened and I ran to my room
and" I wanted to say it but I couldn't. I paused as I went
through possible ways to explain what I had done.

     "And what? What did you do?"

     "You remember earlier when I accidentally bit my hand?"

     "Yeah."

     "Well it wasn't an accident." He was quiet. "Tom?"

     "Yeah, I'm here." He sighed. "I thought you might say that.
Was it um the only thing you did today?"

     "Almost, but there was one more thing."

     "Just tell me."

     "I hit my hand on the nightstand because I wanted to hurt
myself but I didn't want you or Charlie to have any proof, but
now it just feels like I've betrayed both of you."

     "Have you told Charlie?"

     "Not yet. I'm going to tell him when we get off the phone."
I held the phone and waited a few seconds before I asked, "Isn't
there anything else you want to say? Don't you want to tell me
that I messed up and maybe yell at me a little?"

     "Why would I do that? You called me and told me what you
did. Yes it's upsetting to know the truth, but I'm not upset with
you. In fact, I'm more upset with me because I've been lying to
myself all day. I knew it wasn't an accident but I didn't push it
because I wanted to believe it was possible that you didn't mean
to do it." He took a breath. "I'm not going to come down on you
for being honest. You know how I feel about what you did. That
goes without saying."

     His sorrow came through the phone. I had disappointed him
yet again. I whispered, "I don't know why I told you."

     "It may not sound like it but I'm happy you told me. Do you
want me to come back over there?"

     "What would your parents say about that?"

     "I don't care. I'll take whatever punishment they think of.
Just tell me if you need me."

     `If I need him,' I thought. I almost laughed. I always
needed him. That was undoubtedly part of my problem. I needed
people and besides Tom and Charlie, none of the people I needed
wanted me around. Matt was lucky that he didn't need people. He
wanted people but he didn't need them. "I'll be fine. I think I'm
going to ask Charlie to stay with me tonight. I don't trust
myself to be alone." `Did I just say that out loud?' I was
confessing to things I never would have even considered talking
about and I was volunteering updates on my emotional status. It
seemed like I was becoming someone else.

     Tom said, "You can try picturing me naked if that will make
you feel better."

     I laughed. "What?" An image of him from that morning popped
in my head. He did have a nice body. I mean if I was going to
fantasize and pretend I was some where else, being in a room with
a naked Tom was definitely not a bad place. There was a knock at
my door then Charlie just barged right in. Naked Tom quickly
covered up and disappeared from my thoughts. "Charlie's here, I
got to go." I hung up, but Charlie had already seen the phone.

     Charlie sat on the foot of my bed. "So how is Tom doing? Is
he having trouble sleeping because you're not there?" he teased.

     "Haha. Tom is fine." I paused. I felt my face reign my
rebellious smile back in and my face started tightening up again.
"I'm the one with the problem." I told Charlie what I had done
and explained it as best I could. Charlie reacted almost exactly
the same as Tom. Charlie was calm and tried to make me believe
that he wasn't judging me, but I knew he was. He was assessing me
and my progress or apparent lack thereof and he was deciding his
next move.

     "Why did you tell both of us?" Charlie asked.

     "I don't know."

     "I think you do."

     "I felt guilty."

     "Yeah, but why tell both of us? Why not just me or him?"

     "I thought you wanted me to share things with you."

     "I do, but I think this gets at a deeper issue."

     "Am I even crazier than you thought?"

     Charlie looked at me and I could almost hear him say, `I'm
not going to dignify that with an answer.' "Let's pretend for
just a minute that I may be on to something. Can you at least
humor me?"

     "Yeah, I guess so."

     "Okay, now what was the worst way you could hurt me or Tom?"

     "I don't know."

     "Yes you do." I rolled my eyes. "Don't roll your eyes.
Hurting yourself was the worst thing you could do to us. You know
how much we love you and how badly we want you to be better and
you're not sure if you're ever going to be better. It's something
that you want but it's not something you're sure you can attain
because hurting yourself is a reaction to the world around you
and no matter how hard you try or what you do, you will never be
able to control other people's actions or in this case, lack of
action. You lied about hurting yourself this morning because you
didn't want us to be upset with you but you're confessing tonight
because of what happened with Mom and Dad."

     "That makes no sense. I'm confessing because I feel guilty.
This has nothing to do with them."

     "Let me finish. You expected Mom and Dad to be upset with
you and to demonstrate a strong reaction to catching you with Tom
but they didn't and when they didn't do that, it hurt you. You
wanted them to be angry. You could have handled that. You may
have even liked the fact that they were angry because then they
would be reacting to something you did and they wouldn't react
unless they cared. Them not acknowledging what happened was worse
than anything they could have said to you. I know that. You're
not interrupting me because you know it too. They made you feel
like they didn't care. They don't know it and I'm sure it wasn't
their intention, but that was the way it came across to you. Then
you came up to your room and you had time to think about it and
the more you thought about it, the more it hurt until you
couldn't keep it in anymore so you hit your hand. The pain you
felt was enough for a minute but that hurt was still there and
you had to do something else. You didn't tell us so you could be
open and honest with us because if that was the case you would
have told us the truth this morning. You may think you told us
out of guilt, but I think you told us because you wanted us to
yell at you and be angry and give you the kind of reaction you
wanted from Mom and Dad."

     He had me rethinking why I told them and what I got out of
telling them. I carefully considered his words and argued their
validity until I came to the conclusion that he may have been on
to something. I had expected Tom and Charlie to be angry with me.
I was a little disappointed that Tom and Charlie had taken it so
well. I was expecting more of a reaction from both of them. I
just didn't want to admit it.

     "I was feeling guilty. That's it. You don't need to analyze
me and try to figure out my motivations. You have no idea what
goes on inside my head."

     "You're right, I have no idea what goes on inside that head
of yours, but just answer this: How did you think we would react
when you told us? Did you think we would be angry?"

     I put my head down and whispered, "Yes."

     "Did you want us to be angry?"

     "Yes. No. I don't know. I wasn't thinking about that when I
made my decision to tell you."

     "I'm sure you weren't. You'd have to dig down pretty deep to
get to the reasons behind your actions."

     "How many psychology books have you read?"

     "A lot." He pressed his finger against his forehead. "Don't
be fooled by my good looks. I have a real brain up here."

     "Okay Scarecrow."

     "Huh?"

     "Wizard of Oz? Scarecrow wanted a brain, Tin Man wanted a
heart and the Lion wanted courage. Ring a bell?"

     "Yeah, I get it. So if I'm Scarecrow, who would you be?"

     "Well I have options. I could be Dorothy because I just love
being the center of attention." Charlie laughed. "Yeah you're
right, that's not me. I wouldn't be Tin Man because unlike him, I
already have a heart. Sometimes I wish I could give mine back. I
could be the Lion. I need courage to fight my inner battles. Hmm.
No, now that I think about it, I know who I would be."

     "Who?"

     "Toto."

     "Isn't that the dog?"

     "Yeah. He was just kind of there, like Dorothy's miniature
shadow or something." Charlie frowned at me. I knew being Toto
could have good implications as well, but that wasn't what
appealed to me about the story. "Matt would be Dorothy because
he's the one who craves attention and all he wants is a place to
call home. Plus I could totally see him getting hit in the head
and imagining that kind of shit. And Tom would be the Wizard
because he's that amazing."

     Charlie started laughing. "How come even in this scenario,
I'm lower than Tom? Couldn't he be the Tin Man or something? At
least then we'd be on equal footing."

     "Nope, Tom is too special for that."

     "Oh brother, you've got it real bad."

     I don't know what came over me, but I reached towards
Charlie. "I think its contagious."

     He avoided my hand. "I'm trying not to ever get that sick
with love again," he said as he grinned at me. Then he grabbed my
arm. "Who am I kidding? I got it bad too. We're both pathetic.
You with Tom and me with Janet. It must be in our genes or
something because I think we both love with everything we have."
He shook my arm then let it go. "I'd give anything to be able to
control how I feel about her." He flopped back on my bed, next to
me. "I said this time I wasn't going to let myself lose it, but I
can't help it."

     "Did you talk to her before you came in here?"

     "Is it that obvious?"

     "Yeah."

     He didn't elaborate so I left it there. Charlie volunteered
to stay with me which made things easier because I didn't have to
ask. His presence was a comfort. Every time I thought about
hurting myself, I looked over and Charlie was there, reminding me
that at least one of my family members didn't mind being in the
same room with me. Charlie was there by choice. He wanted to help
me and be there for me and assure me that someone, besides Tom,
loved me.

     The next morning was peaceful. Charlie must have known that
I couldn't handle my parents because he took me out for
breakfast. He talked about Janet and cautiously avoided the
subjects we should have been addressing, like me hurting myself
or my parents not acknowledging what they had seen.

     The funniest thing happened on the way to school that
morning: Charlie stopped by Matt's house and picked him up. I
would have teased Matt for not walking across the street, but his
face lit up so brightly when he got in the car that I couldn't
bring myself to say anything about it. I smiled at him and said
good morning then Charlie drove us across the street. Charlie
told Matt that Tom would be bringing him over to our house and by
the time Charlie was done with that sentence, it was time for
Matt and I to get out.

     Matt got out of the car and walked around to Charlie's door.
Charlie rolled down his window and Matt leaned in and kissed him
on his cheek. I gave Charlie a questioning look but he just
winked at me and told me to try to have a good day.

     I elbowed Matt as we walked in together. "Are you sure you
don't have a thing for Charlie?" Matt looked at me and blushed.
"Matt, you know he's straight, right?"

     "Haven't we gone over this before? Yes I know he's straight,
but that doesn't stop me from being attracted to him," he paused,
"and you."

     "Me?"

     "Yeah you. Both of you are quite remarkable, but don't worry
I know I can't have Charlie and you're with Tom so I guess I'll
have to find some one else."

     "You like both of us?"

     "Yes, but I'll admit I like one of you a little more than
the other."

     "Charlie?"

     Matt stopped and looked down. "It's not Charlie." He
suddenly started walking fast and he turned around for a moment
and said. "I'll see you later," then he kept going.

     My mind became hyperactive. Matt liked me and he liked me
more than Charlie. I was at my locker thinking about Matt liking
me when someone pushed me. I turned around and there was Billy
and James.

     Billy started in right away, "Hey Sam, where's your
boyfriend? Oh wait, he had to pick up his other boyfriend this
morning." Billy snickered.

     James added, "I heard he and Brian were getting it on in the
parking lot yesterday."

     "You heard wrong," I said. I closed my locker and started to
walk away but Billy got in my face and pushed me against the
lockers. He put his arms by my head. I figured he would hit me so
I waited for him to do it. He glared at me but I didn't break our
eye contact. I stared back at him defiantly. His face was so
close to mine that I could smell sausage on his breath I wasn't
afraid of him and he could tell. Billy took his left hand and
pulled the rubberband out of my hair so that my hair fell down
then he grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled hard enough to
make my eyes water.

     He leaned in on the other side, "Why would Tom want you when
he can have Brian? You're a loser and you'll always be one."

     His words were not new to me. I had said them to myself
countless times and to Tom a few times. Brian was better than me
in every way. I freely admitted that, but despite all the things
that made Brian the obvious choice, Tom had chosen me. Tom didn't
want Brian. Tom was in love with me. I had to keep repeating that
to myself so that Billy's words did not renew their lease in my
head. I didn't want to think those thoughts anymore. I didn't
want to doubt Tom or us. Tom loved me. He had proven that to me
time and time again and I had to believe him. Tom trusted me
enough to take me with him when he went to pick up Brian.

     Billy let my hair go and stepped back. His finger traced
over the biggest scar on my face. "Nice scar," he said. His hand
reached towards me again but before it made contact with me, he
went flying to his right.

     I looked down and saw Tom on top of Billy. Tom grabbed
Billy's shirt. Tom shouted, "Why can't you just stay the fuck
away from him?" Brian came out of nowhere and whispered something
in Tom's ear. Tom stood up and approached me. He took my hand and
led me away. We passed a teacher who was running in Billy's
direction and I had a good idea what Brian must have whispered.
Tom walked me to my first class. We stopped outside the door and
Tom pushed my hair behind my ears then kissed me on my cheek.
"I'll talk to you at lunch, okay?"

     "Okay."

     He smiled. "I love you."

     "I love you, too."

     "Have a good morning."

     "I'll try." Tom grabbed my hand again and then he let it go.
He let go so slowly that it was clear he didn't want to let go at
all.

     I went in my class and sat down. My heart was racing because
I was still thinking about Tom's kiss and his hand holding mine.
I could have been laying on broken glass and I wouldn't have felt
a thing because I was too busy feeling good. Tom came to my
rescue with Billy and then Tom walked me to class and kissed me
on my cheek and told me he loved me. I figured he must like
telling me he loved me because he did it a lot. It made him happy
to say those words to me, but it made me even happier to hear
those words.

     I daydreamed all the way through my classes. It was like
nothing bothered me. I didn't notice people watching me or
talking about me or laughing at me. I was completely lost in my
own world and for once, it wasn't a world ravaged with jealousy
and insecurity. My world was good.

     On my way to lunch, I passed James and Billy in the hallway.
James puckered his lips and Billy smirked but neither of them
spoke to me. I floated right by them. I was almost to the
cafeteria when someone hooked their arm in mine. It was Sarah.

     "I've never seen you this happy before. You're almost
glowing. What happened? Did you and Tom you know?" I was shocked
that she would ask me such a thing. We weren't close enough for
me to tell her that kind of information. My cheeks began to feel
warm. "Ooh, you're blushing. That means you guys did do
something. Details please." I looked at her. "You are so cute. No
wonder Tom loves you." She reached across with her other hand and
gently patted my arm. "Relax, you don't have to tell me
anything." She moved her arm and grabbed a tray. "I'll just ask
Tom."

     We went through the line together and I expected her to drop
off and go to her usual table, but she walked with me to my
table. I sat down and she sat down right next to me and then I
started to panic as I wondered if she expected me to talk to her
until Tom joined us. A tray plopped down next to mine and scared
me. I looked up and it was James. I looked around for Billy but I
didn't see him approaching.

     "Where's Billy?" Sarah asked.

     "Tom and Brian are having a little talk with him. They asked
me to give them some privacy."

     "And you left him? I mean I can't stand that little jerk,
but he's supposed to be your best friend."

     "Sarah, how many times must I tell you: I'm a lover, not a
fighter." James sat next to me.

     "Sam and I were having a private discussion. So pick up your
tray and move your ass away from this table."

     James put his arm around me. "You guys are stuck with me."

     "James I know you have friends other than Billy who eat
during this lunch period so go annoy them."

     James rubbed his fingers through my hair. "I'd rather sit
here with you two." Sarah screamed and James ignored her. James
grabbed my hair.

     Sarah swatted his hand away. "What the hell are you doing?"

     "I'm putting his hair back in to a ponytail. That was how he
had it before Billy pulled it out."

     "Why are you doing that?"

     "Because I'm bored so shut up." James grabbed my hair with
both of his hands and put my hair in a ponytail. Sarah watched
him like she thought he was going to do something else but she
didn't say anything. When James was done with the ponytail, he
put his hand on my back and I started to fell uncomfortable. His
hand slid up my back and over my shoulder then skipped my neck
and rubbed the side of my face. His skin making contact with mine
shocked me and I looked at him. His hand flew away from me.

     "What the hell was that?" Sarah asked.

     "I touched his fucking cheek! Big goddamn deal!" He looked
at me. "Trust me Sam, I didn't mean anything by it." He hit my
ponytail and I felt it swing. "I wanted to fix your ponytail back
so all the girls could fawn over you again. Since Tom picked you
over me, I mean Brian, you should show the people why. Let them
see that cute face of yours." He whispered, "Don't let them think
Tom fell for a crazy anorexic loser. Let them think Tom fell for
a cute crazy anorexic loser." He sneered then loudly added, "I'm
joking," he paused, "about the cute part."

     "James that's not funny. You're such an idiot. Why don't you
go check on Billy?"

     "Well I came over here to wipe that goofy smile off of Sam's
face and it looks like I've succeeded so I guess I'll leave now."
He stood and patted my head. "Hopefully Tom won't forget about
you."

     "James, shut it!"

     "Damn Sarah are you like his substitute bodyguard until Tom
gets back? I knew Sam was pitiful, but he needs a girl to protect
him? That's just too much." James slapped me on my back. "You
need to man up." He didn't say anything else and I turned and saw
that he was gone.

     "I'm sorry he's such an asshole," Sarah said.

     I picked up my fork and took a small bite of my lasagna.
"You don't have to apologize for him." I took another bite. I
couldn't bring myself to look at her. "Did Tom ask you to sit
with me until he came?"

     "He wanted me to keep you company so you wouldn't worry. He
should be here soon." We sat there and she ate her lunch while I
nibbled on my food. I felt like I was being rude to her but I
didn't want to apologize and risk her trying to talk to me again.

     There was a hand on my shoulder and it made me jump and drop
my fork. Tom kissed me on my cheek. "Relax, it's just me." He
walked around the table and sat across from me and then his eyes
went down to my tray. He didn't have to say anything because I
got the hint. I took another bite of my lasagna.

     "How did your talk with Billy go?" Sarah asked.

     "I think he finally gets it and I didn't have to lay a hand
on him."

     "Where is he now?"

     "He and BJ got in to a fight in the hallway and they're both
in the Principal's office."

     "Were you involved?"

     "No, I was on my way here and I heard them arguing then I
heard them fighting and when I turned around, Mr. Mason was
headed right for them. There's no way they can get out of that
one." Tom started eating his food.

     Sarah asked, "How can you just eat like that? Aren't you
wondering what's going on with them?"

     "No, not really. My only concern is Sam and he seems fine to
me." Tom looked at me. "You are okay, aren't you?"

     "Yes."

     He stared at me for a moment. "I'm glad you pulled your hair
back," he said. "You're too cute to hide behind your hair. Sarah,
don't you agree?"

     Sarah laughed. "Yeah, I agree. Your boyfriend is cute.
Speaking of which, what did you do to put a smile on his face
today? Did you guys, you know?"

     Tom blushed, "Not yet."


 Copyright Lustyville 2010

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