Date: Sat, 25 Sep 2010 17:36:35 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starving for Love-Chapter 23. Marks of Progress

	I was still lying on Charlie's bed when Matt came in the room and
jumped on top of me.

	"Get off of me!" I yelled.

	"Charlie dared me to kiss you." He started leaning in. I pushed him
off of me. In typical Matt fashion, he bounced on the bed then rolled off
and hit the floor.

	I laughed. "I didn't push you that hard."

	He stood and tried to keep a straight face while he glared at me
but he cracked and grinned. "Maybe you don't know your own strength." He
walked to the door then turned back and gave me a sad look. "I was just
going to kiss you on the cheek. It really wasn't that serious."

	Matt stood by the door, waiting for me to say something. I couldn't
tell if his feelings were genuinely hurt or if he was playing me, hoping
that I would relent. I decided there was no harm in him kissing me on my
cheek. "Okay, you can kiss me on the cheek, but if you try anything else
I'll toss you on the floor again."

	"Oh yeah, take charge, Sam. I like it." I laid there on the bed
with my eyes open and waited for Matt to kiss me. He walked over quite
slowly then sat next to me. "Close your eyes," he whispered. The way he
said it made me nervous. I didn't trust him enough to give him that kind of
access to my lips. I half expected him to try to climb on top of me again
but he didn't. Instead, he rolled his eyes like my hesitancy was annoying
him. "You can put your hand over your mouth since you don't trust me." I
was about to lie and tell him that I did trust him, but he stopped
me. "It's okay. I probably wouldn't trust me either. Just cover your lips
so we can get this over with." I covered my mouth with my left hand and
closed my eyes. Matt leaned in and pressed his lips firmly against my
cheek. He left his lips there for a moment and took a deep breath, exhaling
hot air that came out of his nostrils and warmed my cheek. He put his hand
on my left hand and I thought he was going to try to pull it away but he
didn't. His fingers gently caressed my skin as they sailed down my forearm
to my elbow then up to my shoulder and over my t-shirt before landing on my
neck. It felt wrong. Very wrong. My eyes shot open. I wiggled away from him
causing his lips to finally lose contact with my skin and I sat up, causing
his arm to fall from my neck and land in my lap, which made me jump off the
bed.

	Matt opened his eyes and looked at me and I stood there awkwardly
looking back at him. "What the hell was that?" I asked.

	"I was kissing you on your cheek."

	"Did you have to touch me like that?"

	He got a far away look in his eyes, "I didn't mean anything by it."
He stood on the other side of the bed. "I'm sorry. It was just supposed to
be a joke. I guess I took it too far." He paused then said, "I'll leave."
	It was obvious that he was being sincere. "It's okay," I
whispered. "You don't have to leave." I walked around the bed as calmly as
I could and I stopped right next to him and opened my arms. He grabbed me
and cried on my shoulder for a few minutes. Then he started laughing.

	I thought I had been conned so I pushed him away. "Why are you
laughing?"

	"I was coming up here to play a joke on you and look how it worked
out. I'm standing here, crying like a baby and thinking about things I'd
rather forget."

	"Things like what?" I asked.

	He let go of me and stepped back. "Just things," he said. He wiped
his face and tried to erase the tears.

	I wasn't going to push him any further. "Let's go find Charlie."

	"He's not lost. He went outside so he could argue with his
girlfriend."

	"She's here?"

	"No, she's on the phone."

	"Oh."

	We stood there for a moment. I tried to think of something else to
say but I kept drawing blanks. Matt said, "Fine, I admit it."

	"Admit what?"

	"Charlie didn't dare me to come up and kiss you on the cheek. I
thought of that on my own. Speaking of which, you might want to go to the
bathroom and wipe the lipstick off of your face."

	"What lipstick?" Matt puckered his lips and I noticed that they
were redder than usual. "Matt!"

	He giggled. "I was bored, what was I supposed to do?" I wanted to
ask him where he got the lipstick from but that seemed like a waste of a
question because the real question was whether he was okay or not. It
seemed he had spent a good part of the afternoon bouncing around
emotionally. He was up then he was down, then he was up then he was down. I
wasn't sure if I should hug him again or playfully push him away. I didn't
have to pick one because he sat on Charlie's bed. "Don't look at me like
that."

	I hadn't realized I was giving him a look. "Like what?"

	"Like you're trying to figure out if I've lost it. I mean you of
all people! How can you look at me like that? I'm fine. I just have been
taking a break from my medicine but if I'm at the point where even you are
giving me that look then I guess I should take them." He reached in his
pocket and pulled out a kleenex. "I've been keeping these with me since
last night. I felt fine. I still do, but I must not be." He opened the
kleenex then looked at me. "Am I?" I couldn't respond. He shook his head
and snickered. "I take that as a no." He stood. "I'll be back."

	"I'll go with you." It was clear that being alone was the last
thing Matt needed.

	I followed him to the kitchen and he walked around like he owned
it. He fixed himself a glass of water and I watched him take his pills. He
stared at me for a few minutes then he whispered, "I hate needing them."

	"Me too," I whispered.

	"Why can't we be normal?" he asked. "What did we ever do to deserve
this?"

	His questions weren't new, but I still didn't have a good answer
for them. "I don't know."

	He paced back and forth by the sink then he suddenly stopped and
said, "I really do think Brian is cute though. I could see myself in his
arms. He seems like a really sweet guy. I mean yeah he's going through some
shit right now but you can tell he's going to be okay. I don't know, maybe
I just want somebody to hold me." He laughed. "Who the hell am I trying to
kid? I want somebody to fuck me!" He sat on the floor and buried his head
in his hands. A few seconds later I heard sniffling.

	I really wanted Charlie to come in the house because I knew I
wasn't equipped to handle Matt in his condition. I didn't know what to say
or do and that made me feel inadequate and like a failure. I had thoughts
of grabbing a knife out of the drawer and cutting myself. "Matt." He kept
crying. "Matt." I realized that he wasn't going to respond to me so I
walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He jumped a little then
relaxed. I sat down next to him. "Is there anything I can do?" I asked.

	He moved his hands and looked at me. "Can you make the pain go
away?" I looked down at the floor. "Yeah, I didn't think so." He put his
hands on his head and rubbed for a few seconds then chuckled. "I wish I
could just cut myself and let go of some of these things." His hands slid
down his face then the fingertips of his middle fingers stopped at this
chin. All he needed to do was close his eyes and he could pray. "I'm
pathetic." He stated it as if it was a fact that he was affirming.

	"No, you're not."

	"Yes I am. I'm pathetic. I'm sitting here thinking about how good
I'll feel if I cut myself but I'm too pathetic to get up and do it because
I'm afraid of what you'll think."

	I tried to suppress my smile. I had been having the same thoughts
minus the pathetic part. I wanted to cut myself and fix the problems that I
was having but I kept trying to rationalize things and tell myself that the
problems would still be there afterwards. I found myself saying, "Cutting
doesn't solve anything. It masks the pain for a few minutes but the pain
always comes back."

	Matt smiled. "I'm not going to do it. I'm just saying that it would
make me feel better a lot faster than the pills." He put his hand on my
arm. "Don't tell Charlie."

	"I won't."

	He sighed. "I talk all my big talk about being done with hurting
myself and I'm so proud" he turned his arm over and looked at the
noticeable scars, "that all my scars have healed but I have to fight with
myself everyday to keep from making new ones. It shouldn't be this hard."

	"It's going to be hard for a while. Dr. Conley keeps reminding me
of that but we'll both be okay. I'm sure some day our left over scars won't
have the power to seduce us or taunt us with temporary answers to our long
term problems." I instinctively started tracing one of his scars. "I know
you said they represent times when you couldn't handle what was going on,
but why don't you try looking at them as what they are. They're proof that
even the deepest wounds can get better. Yes some of them left traces
behind, but all of them are old and none of them can hurt you anymore."

	"I remember why I did that one." He pulled his arm away. I waited
for him to elaborate. He smiled at me then traced the same scar I had
traced. "Some people have Hallmark ornaments, I have these," his finger
traced another place on his arm then he smirked. "I guess we're both
marked," he joked. He turned serious again. "Let's go find Charlie before I
completely fall apart." We both stood. "Wait. Let me get that lipstick off
of you first." He wet a paper towel and put a little dishwashing liquid on
it and cleaned my face. When he was done, he dried my face with another
paper towel. "Now you don't look so ridiculous," he stated.

	We walked outside and found Charlie sitting on the hood of his
car. He was red. Matt ran to him and wrapped his arms around him. I watched
Charlie clutch Matt in his arms and cry. Charlie had always been so strong
except for when it came to one person. I knew Janet had done something, and
judging by the fact that Charlie's cell phone was in pieces on the ground,
whatever Janet had done was big.

	Charlie shook violently and said, "She left me again."

	"Who left you?" Matt asked.

	I answered for Charlie, "Janet."

	"Who's Janet?"

	"She's a bitch. That's who she is," Charlie said. "She's a stupid
bitch who never loved me."

	I put my hand on his shoulder. "What did she do?"

	"She dumped me. Again!" He looked at me with water filled
eyes. "Can you fucking believe it? Things were going so well this time. We
weren't even fighting! I don't know what changed in the last couple of
hours."

	Matt started pulling Charlie towards the house. "Come on, let's go
inside and you can tell me what happened."

	Charlie pulled away and wiped his eyes. He walked to the side of
his car. "I just need to be alone." He opened his car door. "I'm going for
a drive. I'll be back."

	"Maybe I should go with you," Matt said.

	Charlie snapped at him, "No! I just want to be alone. Can't you
fucking stay here and give me some space?" Matt took a step back and fell
silent. Charlie shook his head, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I
just need to be by myself."

	Matt nodded. Charlie got in his car and sped away while Matt and I
watched. I wondered what Janet had done to him. I hated her for making him
cry and for putting that hurt look in his eyes. Matt ran in my house and I
followed him. He went to the kitchen and began frantically pulling out
drawers.

	"What are you looking for?" I asked. I knew the answer but I wanted
him to say it.

	"He yelled at me," he said.

	Matt pulled out the drawer I knew he was looking for and
stopped. He stared at the contents. I stood quietly watching him. I felt
terribly uncomfortable and completely lost. I desperately wanted to say
something but words eluded me like water in the desert. I didn't know how
to stop him, so I waited for it to happen.

	He reached in the drawer and pulled out a steak knife, "I could use
this. I could place it against my skin and drag it across, applying just
enough pressure to draw blood, but not enough to bleed for long. I know how
to do that, you know? I can cut enough to bleed for a minute or two or
enough to bleed until I apply a lot of pressure to make it stop." He
pressed the tip of the knife against his fingertip. "If I push a little
harder, I can prick my finger then I can squeeze it and make it bleed more
than necessary." Matt looked defeated. "This day is all wrong," he said. I
froze. I wanted to run to him and snatch the knife out of his hand, but I
couldn't. He pulled the knife away from his finger and waved the knife at
me then he asked, "Did you use a knife like this one?"

	I told him the truth, "I used all kinds of things."
	He sighed and dropped the knife back in the drawer. "Me too. I hurt
myself however I could, with whatever was available." He closed the drawer
and looked at me. "I'm not going to do it. Not again. I've come too far to
travel back down that road. It doesn't lead to anywhere good."

	I knew the road well. In fact, I was still standing at the end of
that very road trying to figure out which way to go. I didn't want to go
back down it either, but sometimes I felt it pulling me backwards as I
struggled to pull myself forward. "I'm glad you didn't do it," I told him.

	"Me too." He walked by me. "Let's go watch tv or something."

	We ended up sitting next to each other on the sofa, staring at our
reflections in the television because I hadn't turned on the tv. We didn't
talk or move. We just sat there, watching ourselves sitting on the sofa. I
was wondering what Matt was thinking. He had come so close to losing it but
he somehow found the strength to talk himself away from the edge. I was
impressed by him and certain that it would take a lot to put him back on
that old depressing road that once owned him.

	I relished the silence because it covered my inability to think of
something appropriate to say to Matt. The silence that usually tormented me
with thoughts of things I shouldn't do began to sooth me instead. I sat
there thinking about Matt and going over all the different things that had
happened to him that day.

	The doorbell rang. "The boyfriend is back," Matt said.

	I tried not to run to the door, but I still got there pretty
quickly. I opened the door and Tom wrapped his arms around me and started
kissing me. It took a moment for me to remember that the door was still
open. I giggled and pushed him away. "At least let me close the door." He
closed the door for me and put his arms around me again. I put my arm
between us. "Tom, we're not alone."

	He kissed me. "I don't care."

	If my parents had been home, I probably would have stopped him, but
only Matt was there so I gave in and lowered my arm. Tom's lips made mine
feel good, so good in fact that my brain decided to take a siesta on a soft
cloud. Tom started pulling me closer and closer until our bodies seemed to
melt together. I was so engrossed in Tom that I didn't notice Matt sneak up
on us.

	I was startled by Matt's voice, "Hi Matt, nice to see you
again. Are you feeling better? I may be kissing my boyfriend right now, but
don't think I didn't notice you standing there." He paused then continued,
"Why Tom how sweet of you. Yes, I'm feeling quite dandy darling. Carry on."

	Tom broke our kiss and laughed against my lips. He gave me a sweet
peck then turned to Matt, "Hi Matt. Are you feeling better?"

	"Yes, I am. Sam knew exactly what to do." Matt winked at me.

	 Tom's hand crept down my back, "Yeah, I bet he did."

	"Ew. Get your mind out of the gutter," Matt said.

	"My mind isn't in the gutter."

	Matt smirked. "If you had heard the way you said that, I think
you'd agree that your mind is in the gutter. `Yeah, I bet he did,'" Matt
mocked. "All that was missing was you tonguing him down after you said it."

	"Well, I didn't mean it how it sounded."

	Matt grinned. "Yes you did! But it's okay, I'd be all over Sam too
if he was my boyfriend. I definitely would have fucked that little ass of
his by now or let him fuck mine. Whichever he wanted. I aim to please."

	Tom very politely said, "You can't say things like that."

	"Why not? Nothing is ever going to happen between us. Except in my
dreams. You should be flattered that I think your boyfriend is hot and that
he likes to frolic around naked in my head, but even there, I tell him that
he cannot seduce me because we are friends and he's Tom's boyfriend and
Charlie's brother and all sorts of other reasons. They never work though. I
mean he's always all over me, but at least I try to stop him."

	"Matt, if anyone but you had said that to me, I'd probably lay them
out. What is up with you today?"

	"I'm horny. I'm under-medicated. I'm bored. I'm a little angry. I'm
having flashbacks of some things I'd rather forget. I'm feeling very
emotional. I was rejected by Brian, but I'll get him, don't worry. I was
pushed off the bed by Sam. I was yelled at by Charlie. I was completely
ignored by you and Sam and I'm sure there are other things too."

	"So you're having a bad day?" Tom asked.

	"Bad doesn't begin to describe it." Matt looked at me then turned
back to Tom. "Tom, will you take me home? Maybe I'll feel better after I
lay down."

	"Why can't Charlie take you home?"

	"Charlie's gone. His girlfriend dumped him so he took off."

	"Oh. Okay. I'll take you home then." Tom sounded happy.

	Matt called him on it. "Wow Tom, do you even care that Charlie's
heart is broken?"

	"I care a little, but I'm not torn up about it. I mean he is the
same guy who tried to keep me from Sam."

	"Okay, let's go with that idea then. Imagine if Charlie wasn't
involved at all and one day Sam told you he didn't want to be with you
anymore. Tom, imagine if Sam dumped you, how would you feel?"

	Tom had a vacant look in his eyes for a moment, as if even the
thought of me leaving him was too much for his brain to bear. "I would feel
like my life was over, but that's not the same as Charlie's situation. He
and Janet have always been on and off." Tom stared at me then made an odd
expression. "You know it hurts just to think about you leaving me? What
would I do without you?"

	I said, "That's how Charlie must be feeling. You've been around
here enough to know how deeply Charlie loves Janet."

	"What do you guys want me to do? Should I be sad for him?"

	Matt replied, "You could at least pretend to care."

	"I do care. Some. Just not as much as you guys do. If Charlie had
put either of you through what he put me through, you'd understand."

	"Tom, he tried to keep me from you, but I forgave him. Everything
he did, he did out of love. He thought he was doing what was best, but he
was wrong. Janet is one of the people who helped him see that."

	"I know and I don't hate him anymore, but I'm not his biggest fan
either."

	"This conversation is pointless," Matt said. "Are you guys ready to
go?"

	"Yeah."

	Matt grabbed his things and we loaded up in Tom's car and drove
towards school. We rode in silence. I stared out the window and soon I was
lost in the memory of Tom kissing me before he closed the door and the feel
of his body as he held me and pulled me as close to him as I could get with
clothes on. I replayed the scene over and over in my head, carefully
memorizing each detail, from the way his eyes looked at me when I opened
the door, to the hungry way his lips attacked mine to the desperateness in
the way he held me and even his scent, which seemed intoxicating. If Matt
hadn't been there, Tom could have had me because I wouldn't have stopped
him from doing whatever he wanted.

	Matt hit me on the back of my head. "Stop thinking about sex," he
said.

	"I'm not," I protested.

	"I was watching you in the mirror! You had a dreamy look on your
face and a goofy smile. I know what you were thinking about."

	"I was thinking about kissing Tom."

	"And the thoughts stopped at just kissing?" I blushed. "Yeah,
that's what I thought," Matt said. I may have imagined it, but it seemed
like Tom sped up after that. A couple of minutes later, we were pulling in
front of Matt's foster home. Matt got out. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." He
held his door open and leaned his head in. "So is tonight the night? Are
you guys going to have sex?"

	Tom responded, "Goodbye Matt."

	"Ooh, I take that as a yes!" Matt smiled and closed the door.

	"We're not going to have sex tonight," Tom said to me as he pulled
back on the road. I wanted to ask him why not, but I stared out the window
instead. I felt his hand on my thigh. "I know your family will be home
soon, so do you want to go to my place for a few minutes?"

	"To hang out?"

	"I was kind of hoping to make out."

	I laughed. "Yeah we can do that. When are your parents going to be
home?"

	"They're both going to be late. My father is having drinks with
some friends one of my mother's patients is in the hospital so she's there
running tests." His hand kept moving up my thigh until he found what he was
searching for and gave it a squeeze. His hand suddenly moved away. "Have
you eaten dinner yet?"

	"No."

	"Since I forgot the ice cream, let me take you out to eat." He
reached for my hand. "I want to wine and dine you," he paused, "and then
have my way with you." He kissed the back of my hand. "God I love you,
Sam!" We were at a red light, so he leaned in for a kiss. We kissed until
someone blew their horn and we realized the light had changed.

	I thought he was joking about the wine and dine part, but he pulled
in to the parking lot of Borangi's and I realized he was really taking me
somewhere nice. "You don't have to spend this much money on me," I told
him. "Fast food would have been fine. I could have gotten a salad with
low-cal dressing or something."

	"This isn't just for you. I want to sit in a decent restaurant and
look across the table at that beautiful face of yours. Plus I've been dying
to try their Mondo Burger."

	I laughed. "When you come to places like this, you're not supposed
to eat burgers. That defeats the purpose."

	"No it doesn't. Burgers are on the menu and their burgers are way
better than any fast food place. Their burgers are big and juicy and
delicious."

	"Well it's your money so you can get whatever you want."

	He held my hand as we walked to the door, then he held the door for
me. As soon as we were in the restaurant, he held my hand again. The host
noticed, and I almost smiled as I watched him steal glances at our
hands. There was only a five minute wait for a table. Tom held my hand the
entire time.

	A waiter led us to our table. Tom pulled my seat out for me. I
thanked him and sat down. He was looking at me like I was the greatest
thing he had ever seen. He sat down, but he continued to stare at me. It
actually made me feel uncomfortable. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
I asked.

	"Because you're beautiful. All that talk earlier about losing you
made me think about how much I love you. Just to be here with you is
incredible."

	I was tempted to ask him if he was referring to me being at a
restaurant and actually planning on eating, but I knew how he was so I knew
he would construe it as me ruining the moment. I opted to ignore it. I
glanced at my menu and quickly saw what I wanted. "I think I'm going to get
the Cobb Salad."

	"You can order whatever you like, but make sure you leave room for
dessert, because you're sharing a piece of strawberry cheesecake with me."

	I started to tell him that he knew I couldn't order anything then
because half of a slice of strawberry cheesecake was enough calories by
itself, but the way he was looking at me and making me feel, quickly pushed
that thought away. I decided I was going to give him exactly what he
wanted, which was me eating normally, with no comments or complaints. I
smiled and said, "Okay, it's a deal."

	"It's not that many calories," he said. "You can eat both. I mean
I'm letting you order a salad and I'm not saying"

	It was obvious he had prepared his defense because he had assumed I
would say no. I cut him off. "I said okay."

	"You did? Are you sure?"

	"Yes, I'm sure. I haven't eaten since lunch and I'm a growing boy,
right?" I could tell I had surprised him.

	"You never cease to amaze me," he said. I smiled because I never
wanted to either. I wanted Tom to always look at me like I was something
great. When he looked at me like that, I forgot to be sad. I still didn't
think I deserved it, but I found myself being completely satisfied by his
love.

Copyright Lustyville 2010

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