Date: Sat, 16 Apr 2011 18:33:49 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starving for Love-Chapter 25. Other People's Problems

	Charlie stayed hidden away in his room for the rest of the night. I
waited for a while, hoping he would check on me before I went to sleep, but
my door never opened.

	I woke up the next morning with my emotions somewhere between worry
and frustration. It was nice not thinking about myself or my body as I got
ready for school. Charlie and Tom were my top two thoughts and my own
issues fell to a very distant, very happy third place. I washed my scars in
the shower without having flashes of hurting myself. I was too busy
wondering what Tom's mother said to him and worrying about helping
Charlie. It hurt me to see Charlie so utterly broken. I was supposed to be
the broken one, not him.

	I figured Tom wasn't going to be able to give me a ride to school
and I was too far behind schedule to walk or run to school and I wasn't in
the mood to get on the bus. I probably could have ridden my bike, but the
thought didn't cross my mind at the time. I knocked on Charlie's door and
he grumbled something. I opened the door.

	He sat up on his elbows. I took one look at him and I knew he had
just wiped away tears. His voice was shaky when he asked, "What's up?"

	I almost felt guilty asking him, "Could you give me a ride to
school?"

	"I thought Tom was taking you."

	"I don't think his mother is going to let him."

	He sighed. "Fine, I'll take you." He got up and slipped on a pair
of pants and a shirt. I left while he put on his socks and shoes. We were
almost to my school when he spoke to me again. "How do you feel when you
hurt yourself?" I wasn't sure how to answer him, so I didn't. "Do you feel
better afterwards?" he asked.

	"I only feel better while I'm doing it. Once the pain is gone,
everything else that hurt before just keeps hurting again."

	"I'm hurting," he whispered. "I hurt all over. I know this is it
this time. She's done with me." He gripped the steering wheel tighter. "I
know this isn't the end of the world, but it sure feels that way."

	It tore me up inside that his world was falling apart while mine
was finally coming together. "Do you want to go for a run? I could skip and
we could spend the day together. You know, just hang out like we did the
other day."

	He parked by the curb at my school. "You don't need to be around me
too much, Sam. I'm not in a good place right now and I don't want to bring
you down with me. You're doing so much better. That shouldn't stop because
of me. I just need a couple of days to regroup. That's all. Then we can go
back to bonding."

	The old me would have reacted badly to being outright rejected, but
I had moved forward from that place and I was able to understand that
Charlie wanting to be alone had nothing to do with me. I patted him on his
shoulder and thanked him for the ride then I told him I would see him at
home. He tried to force a smile but he failed. As I walked towards the
building, all I could think about was poor Charlie but once I walked
through the doors, all I could think about was seeing Tom. I was surprised
when he wasn't waiting for me at my locker.

	I didn't see Tom until lunch. He told me his mother had grounded
him indefinitely, taken his car keys and his phone and banned me from the
house for the foreseeable future.

	"How did you get to school?" I asked.

	"She dropped me off this morning and she lectured me all the way
here. I don't get her. If she's so worried about you, why doesn't she sit
you down and talk to you?"

	"I don't know."

	"I know you don't. It's just that I get tired of her trying to tell
me what's best for you. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, well at least
not intentionally. I mean I love you and I know you better than she
does. How can she possibly think that she knows what's best for you and I
don't?" He took a swallow of his drink. "Would you be willing to talk to
her?"

	"About what?"

	"About us. She needs to know that you're okay. You don't have to go
in to detail, but could you tell her that I'm not hurting you?"

	"I guess I could." Tom thought I was strong enough to face his
mother and defend our relationship. His faith in me stroked my heart. I
felt good because I knew he saw I was different.

	"I'll ask her to talk to you. It might help her if she sees that
you're changing." He reached out and touched my face. "She's going to pick
me up today. I have to be at her car two minutes after school ends and
after today, I have to take public transportation the rest of the week."

	"Welcome to the club," I joked.

	"When was the last time you took the bus?"

	I smiled, "It's been a while."

	He stroked my cheek. "Lucky you." He pinched my nose then moved his
hand. "I keep telling myself it won't be that long. You know how she
is. She'll break in about a week."

	"I hope so."

	He leaned in close and whispered, "We can go under the bleachers if
you can't wait until then."

	I hit his arm. "Shut up, I can wait."

	"What are you lovebirds cackling about?" Billy asked.

	Tom and I turned and looked at him. His face still had the marks of
his recent run in with Brian. Tom said, "I gather you didn't learn your
lesson the first time. Do I need to take you to the bathroom for a
refresher course?"

	Billy scowled at him. "BJ was suspended. Touch me and who's going
to be left to protect your little Sammy?"

	Sarah stood by Billy's side. "God Billy, don't you get tired of
bugging them?" He puckered his lips towards her then left. She smiled
warmly at us. "How are my guys doing today?"

	"We're fine," Tom said.

	"You two look especially close." Her eyes scanned over both of us
and she smiled, "Did something happen last night?" Tom blushed. Sarah
asked, "Maybe a little boy on boy action?"

	"Maybe," Tom said.

	Sarah squealed. "I knew it! You two just look different together,
like you now know each other intimately. It's really sweet. I'm a little
jealous, but I'm happy for you guys." She sat her tray on the table and
pinched Tom's cheek. "Why didn't you call and tell me?"

	"Some things are personal."

	"Well your sex life isn't one of them. I tell you everything. I
expect the same in return." She leaned down and kissed him on his
lips. "Don't make me start spilling secrets." She smiled at me and asked,
"Do I get a kiss from you, too?" I stared at her dumbly and watched as her
lips came closer and closer to mine then quickly made contact. Her lips
didn't stay on mine quite as long as they had stayed on Tom's.

	"Sarah, you freak! Stop throwing yourself at Sam! You don't have
the equipment he wants." I knew it was James.

	Sarah turned to him, "Neither do you little man."

	He laughed. "Tom, please tell this wench that I am not a little
man." He winked at Tom then told Sarah, "I'll have you know that I have
grown a lot since the last time you saw me."

	Billy called James. Sarah smirked, "Your boyfriend is calling you."
James flipped her off and walked away. Sarah said, "I'll talk to you boys
later." She left and I felt paranoia creeping up inside me.

	Tom smiled at me, "What's wrong?"

	"If she can tell, does that mean everyone can tell?" I looked
around the room. "Do they all know we did it?"

	Tom laughed, "Don't be paranoid. She knew because she watches us
like a hawk. She's probably watching us right now." He looked over in the
direction of her table and waved and she waved back. "See, what I mean."

	"Why does she watch us like that?"

	"She finds us fascinating."

	"I'm not fascinating. I'm screwed up. Watching me is like staring
at a train wreck because you can't look away." Tom glared at me for a quick
second then focused on eating his food. I would have apologized but I
didn't want to acknowledge that I had said something wrong. I hated my lips
for allowing those words to escape unchecked and I hated the words for
stringing themselves together. I was still a little screwed up but I was
nowhere near as bad as I once was and that had to count for something. I
didn't need Tom to tell me when I had said something wrong because I knew
it on my own.

	Tom and I talked a little after that but his mood was noticeably
sour. He wasn't short with me or anything overt, yet I noticed the
seemingly subtle changes as if he had put up a billboard. I spent the rest
of the day beating myself up for letting those words come out of my
mouth. I needed to work on controlling my thoughts and what I said. I had
done it so easily when I was secretly in love with Tom and when I was
hiding my dirty little secret from him, but with my secrets out in the
open, it was harder to censor myself.

	Matt was waiting for me at my locker. He saw me approaching and he
must have seen the look on my face because he held out his arms. "Come tell
Matt what's wrong," he said.

	I instantly felt better. I hugged him. My arms had barely locked
behind him when someone shoved me, "Why don't you kiss him?" Billy asked.

	"Why don't you fuck off?" Matt yelled.

	"Why don't you make me?"

	Matt let me go and pushed me to the side. He stepped towards
Billy. "Which one of them do you like?" he asked.

	"What?"

	"You obviously have the hots for one of them so which one is it? Is
it Tom or Sam?"

	Billy hit Matt so fast that neither of us had time to react. A cut
opened up on Matt's upper lip. "Is that all you have? I know two year old
girls that hit harder than you do."

	"Two year olds make you bleed, you fucking pansy?" Matt rubbed his
finger across the cut on his lip. He looked at the blood on his finger then
he looked at Billy as he put his finger in his mouth and licked the blood
off. Billy's eyes got wide. "Ew, man that's disgusting."

	Matt rubbed his finger in his blood again and held out his finger
to Billy. "Want to taste?"

	Billy looked at me and I figured I must have looked pretty sane
compared to Matt. "Your friend is crazier than you are," he said.

	Matt slapped him hard across his face. Billy's hand went to his
cheek and his expression went from shock to rage in less than a second. He
grabbed Matt by his shirt collar and threw him against the lockers. "Do it
again, you fucking faggot!" Matt laughed and tried to raise his arm and
slap Billy again. Billy shook him against the lockers and the back of
Matt's head hit hard against the metal. "Are you stupid?" Billy screamed.

	Matt put his hand behind Billy's head and pulled him in for a quick
kiss. Matt's lips touched Billy's and Billy let him go and dropped
him. Billy had some of Matt's blood on his lip. Billy wiped his mouth and
ended up with a little blood on the back of his hand. "Oh come on baby,
don't be like that," Matt said. He reached for Billy and Billy hit his hand
away. Matt reached for him again. Billy grabbed Matt's arm and maneuvered
Matt in to a position where Matt's arm was pinned behind his back and the
side of Matt's face was pressed against the lockers.

	"Touch me again and I'll kill you," Billy warned. Matt put his
other arm between them and reached towards Billy's pants. He must have
found what he was trying to grab because Billy yelled, "You son of a
bitch!" and moved Matt in to a headlock. Matt's entire face quickly turned
red. I finally looked away from them to see if help was coming but all I
saw were the faces of other students. I saw James standing there. He was
looking at me and not the fight.

	I went next to Billy and whispered his name, "Billy." He didn't
look at me. "Billy stop." I tried to pull him off of Matt and he threw me
to the floor. That was when James stepped up. First James gave me his hand
and helped me to my feet then he put Billy in a headlock and told him to
let go of Matt.

	They struggled for a few moments but Billy finally let go of
Matt. When he did, James let go of him and started pushing him down the
hallway. Matt fell to his knees gasping for air. I put my arm over his
shoulders and held him. I watched as he rubbed his throat and coughed a
little. Matt turned to me, "Was it something I said?" he asked. He grinned
and I knew he was okay. I helped him to his feet.

	"What's going on here?"

	It was some teacher that I didn't know. He looked at Matt and then
he looked at me. Matt pointed to his left. "He went that way."

	"Who went that way?"

	"The villain. Who else?"

	"What's his name?"

	"A gentleman never tells." Matt wiped his mouth. "I'm fine. It was
just a lover's spat. My boyfriend thought I was cheating on him with Sam
and I was trying to explain that I wasn't and things got heated between
us. We had a big argument. My lip ran in to his fist and"

	"He hit you?"

	"Ah, you caught that one. I confess. I'm in an abusive
relationship. I need help. Is there a number I could call for support?"

	"Matt you shouldn't joke about those things."

	"I'm not joking."

	The teacher cleared his throat and said, "Well in that case, follow
me to the office and I'll see how we can help you."

	"I don't think so. I remember what happened the last time I
followed you somewhere."

	The teacher had a worried look on his face. He glanced at me then
he focused on Matt and said, "That was a long time ago. We were both
different people then and I would appreciate it if you would stop bringing
it up. I have been nothing but nice to you since you entered this
building."

	"That's because you don't want me to say anything."

	"You know what? Forget it! If you're okay with some kid smacking
you around in the hallway and throwing you against lockers, then that's
fine with me."

	"How did you know what he did?"

	"Don't take that tone with me. The kids were running down the
hallway practically screaming about what had just happened. Yes I heard
some details, but I didn't know it was you and even if I had, I still would
have come right away."

	"Because you still care?" Matt flashed a cheesy grin that must have
disturbed the teacher because he started slowly backing away. "We both know
I'm too big for your tastes."

	 "I can't help you if you won't be serious about this. I know there
was a fight out here but I won't push you." He turned around and walked
away from us rather quickly.

	Matt gave me a sly smile, "People are too easy sometimes."

	"How do you know him?"

	"Don't worry about that."

	I had a sick feeling in my stomach that yelled at me to leave it
alone and warned me that I didn't really want to know. I was better off not
knowing. "Why didn't you tell him Billy tried to kill you?"

	"Billy wasn't trying to kill me; he was just trying to make me shut
up. I've had people try to kill me before; they squeeze a lot harder." He
picked up his bag. "So what are we doing today?"

	"I don't know. Tom's grounded and Charlie is depressed so it's just
us."

	"I want to check on Charlie. Let's go to my house and see if
Mrs. Washington will give us a ride."

	"We could walk or take the bus."

	He brushed off both suggestions and we walked to his
house. Mrs. Washington greeted us with warm hugs. She said we had to eat
first and wait until her husband got there and then she would take us to my
house. She sent us to Matt's room while she made us a snack. Matt fed
Jackie and then he ignored me. He sat on his bed and stared off in to
space. I tried not to stare at him too much but I admit I was watching him
closely trying to read his thoughts. I wondered if he had skipped his
medicine again.

	I glanced at him and saw his eyes were full of tears. He wiped his
eyes then looked in my direction and caught me watching him. "I'm not
crying," he said.

	"Yes you are."

	Mrs. Washington called us to the kitchen. She had warmed some pizza
rolls. She made small talk while we ate. I focused on Matt. I studied his
every move and when he caught me staring at him, I met his eyes without
shame. There was something going on with him. He was trying to be himself
but he wasn't succeeding.

	Mrs. Washington sent us back to Matt's room and said she would call
us when her husband came home. I closed Matt's door and he became
noticeably agitated. "I know there's something wrong. Is the fight
bothering you or was it that teacher?"

	"I had sex last night."

	"With who?"

	He cast his eyes in the other direction. "I can't tell you." There
was an uncomfortable silence that carried on longer than I liked. He said,
"You don't know the person. It was a mistake though. I wanted it so badly
and I went out and found someone who would give it to me." He rubbed his
eyes. "Dr. Leyland was right. I should have waited."

	"Matt, I'm"

	He started laughing, "I'm just fucking with you. I didn't have sex
with anyone last night. I came back here and did my homework then I went to
bed."

	Something was wrong. I could tell but I wasn't going to push the
issue. Matt obviously didn't want me to know. I took it as the rejection
that it was and I felt myself drifting in to that dark place where no one
wanted me around. I tried to talk myself out of the darkness but it kept
getting darker and darker until I thought about Tom. Thinking of Tom helped
me pull myself out of it.

	"If you don't want to tell me, just say that, but don't lie to
me. Something is wrong."

	"There are things I'll never tell anyone. This is one of them." His
eyes drilled a hole in to me and I surrendered and looked away. There was
something torturing him but he wasn't ready to talk about it.

	"You're not going to hurt yourself, are you?"

	He shook with laughter. "No, I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm
stronger than the ghosts from my past." He paused then asked, "Do you have
any memories that make you shake when you think about them?"

	"I shudder a little when I think about breaking that mirror with my
head."

	"That's not the type of memory I'm talking about." He cleared his
throat. "Do you think I could spend the night?"

	"When?"

	"Tonight."

	"I, uh," his eyes pleaded with me to say yes, "I'm sure you can. My
parents don't really care what I do. Shouldn't you ask Mrs. Washington?"

	"She'll say yes. She bends over backwards to try to make me happy."

	We didn't talk much after that. He pretended to do work and I found
myself stuck in the trenches engaged in yet another internal battle. I
wanted to be a shoulder for Matt and Charlie to lean on, but I wondered how
much pressure my inexperienced shoulder could take. Seeing Matt in such a
horrible state seemed to be doing damage to me. I empathized with him too
much and that was causing me to fall back in to my negative thoughts. I was
relieved Matt had spared me the details because I wasn't sure if I could
have handled it. I felt incapable of helping Matt or Charlie or myself.

	I thought back over my day. I hadn't seen Matt until the end of the
school day and he seemed fine until his run in with Billy and the
teacher. He denied that either had an effect on him but I was beginning to
suspect that both incidents had forced him to remember a place in his life
that was so vile even he, with all his jokes and all his defenses, was
unable to acknowledge it. It must have been a place void of light and love
and friendship and depleted of all traces of happiness. It was a place so
depressing and consuming that even through the forced smile on his face, I
could still see the pain and feel the hurt emanating from him like waves of
heat.

	"Sam, do you think we could cuddle until it's time to go?"

	"Um, sure." Matt moved his books off his bed and turned to his
side. I moved in behind him and put my arms around him.

	"You know what I love about having you or Charlie hold me?"

	"What?"

	"I don't have to worry about your hands moving." He touched my
arm. "It's a really nice feeling." I felt him shake a little. I knew he was
crying but there was nothing I could say to make him stop so I let him cry
and I pretended not to notice. My poor heart was barely on the mend and
Matt was breaking it all over again. The helpless feeling I had while I
held him made me want to grab the closest sharp object and inflict pain on
myself. Matt started digging his nails in to my skin. I wanted to tell him
to stop but the pleasure caused by the pain silenced my protest before it
was able to come out. His hand suddenly moved. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

	"It's okay."

	"Do you think Charlie will let me cuddle with him tonight?"

	"I don't know. He might."

	"I hope he does. No offense, but your little arms don't make me
feel very protected." He laughed then the mood turned serious again. "I'm
going to have a rough night. I can feel it."

	There was a slight temptation to prod him for more information, but
that temptation fluttered away almost as quickly as it had emerged. Neither
of us really wanted to talk about what was bothering him.

	Mrs. Washington said Matt could spend the night at my house if my
parents said it was okay. She called and talked to my mother. I thought it
was amusing that my mother didn't even know I wasn't home. She had assumed
I was in my room and she hadn't bothered to check. She told Mrs. Washington
that it was fine if Matt stayed over.

	Matt made a beeline for Charlie's room when we got to my house. I
followed him and arrived at Charlie's doorway in enough time to see Matt
jump on top of Charlie. Charlie didn't move. He said, "Matt, I'm not in the
mood to be happy today."

	Matt kissed his neck, "Good, because neither am I. I just want you
to hold me."

	"Where's Sam?"

	I stepped in the room. "I'm over here, but I think I'll go to my
room and give you two some privacy."

	Charlie looked over at me, "You don't have to leave."

	"I know, but I kind of want to rest." I didn't really want to rest,
I just wanted to get away from the two of them because they were
emotionally draining me and I needed some alone time to try to reboot
without doing something I would regret.

	"Dinner should be ready soon," he said.

	"I don't feel like eating. I think I'll do some homework and go to
sleep." He gave me a look that said I better eat something. "I'll go to the
kitchen and grab a sandwich and something to drink. Matt can take my place
at the table. I don't feel like sitting there. I've had a long day and I
can't deal with Mom and Dad and Kristy right now."

	"Yeah, I know what you mean," he said. "Just make sure you eat
something. I'm going to check on you later."

	"Okay." I shut the door and left the room. I had no intentions of
getting something to eat. I wasn't hungry. The pizza rolls had been enough
to carry me through the rest of the night.

	I went to my room and closed the door and locked it. I wanted to be
completely alone and I didn't want anyone barging in on me. I wasn't going
to do anything. I just wanted to make sure I had a moment to mentally
gather myself before I had to deal with anyone. I figured if someone
knocked on the door the time it took me to walk from the bed to the door
would be enough time to come up with the necessary defenses against whoever
was on the other side.

	I lied across my bed, fascinated by how exhausting it was to not
only care about other people's problems, but to want to find a way to help
them with their problems. I'd never had to worry about that before. I was
always the one who was the worst off; the one who needed the most help, but
now I found myself slightly ahead of the game and it felt like foreign
territory. I had no right to be where I was and yet I found myself there.
	I heard a squeaking sound so I looked around my room, but I didn't
see anything. I closed my eyes and tried to relax then I heard it again. I
looked up and Tom was standing by my closet. I sat up. At first I thought I
was hallucinating, then he smiled at me and I had that feeling of warmth
that only comes from the real thing.

	"What are you doing here?"

	He walked over to me and said, "My father had to leave town for a
meeting and one of my mother's patients was rushed to the emergency
room. My mother will probably be gone for a while, so I decided to sneak
over to see you."

	It finally dawned on me that he must have been hiding in my
closet. I smirked, "Were you hiding in my closet?"

	He grinned, "Yeah. I didn't want anyone else to see me. I'm not
supposed to be here."

	"How did you get in?"

	He put his arms around me and gave me a quick kiss. "I could tell
you but that would require me confessing to a couple of crimes and I like
you thinking I'm a good boy." He kissed me again and it quickly became too
hot for me to handle with a shirt on, so I took off my shirt. He winked at
me and took off his shirt, too. He kissed me again and his hand started
going down my back. I flinched. "Oh shit, I almost forgot," he
whispered. "Turn around, let me have a look at it." I turned around and
stretched out on the bed. He moved next to me and I could feel his eyes
studying my back. "I can't believe I hurt my baby," he whispered.

	"You didn't hurt me."

	He kissed the back of my neck. There was no mistaking his kiss as
something innocent. His lips were practically telegraphing sex all over my
skin. The back of his hand grazed the side of my body as it traveled down
towards my pants. Once it reached my pants, it turned over and dipped
inside the back of my pants. He whispered, "Do you know what I've been
thinking about all day?"

	"Hiding in my closet?"

	He giggled. "No." He whispered in my ear, "I've been thinking about
last night." His hand came out of my pants then dipped back in. "Have you
been thinking about it?"

	"Yeah."

	His hand came out of my pants and he lied down next to me. "Good,
that's all I wanted to know." I turned and looked at him and his devilish
grin dared me to say something.

	I decided to prolong his agony. "So how did you really get in
here?"

	"I slipped Kristy twenty dollars to let me in."

	I threw my arm across his chest, "Wow, you're such a criminal."

	He grabbed my arm and started pushing it down his body, "Yeah, I'm
a real rebel," he teased. He kept pushing my hand lower and I didn't stop
him. I let my fingers enjoy the feel of his skin until my fingers ran in to
fabric. He didn't say anything when my fingers pressed against his stomach
and squeezed their way inside his pants. He took a deep breath and I pushed
my hand down more to touch him. I grabbed him and he moaned my name, "Sam."

	It sounded sexy. I brought my hand up for air and let it trace a
path up to his neck then I pulled his head towards me and planted my lips
on his neck. It started as a kiss but turned in to me sucking on his
neck. I finally stopped and started kissing my way up his neck. I found his
lips and shoved my tongue in his mouth. We made out for a while then he
groaned.

	"What's wrong?" I asked.

	"I wish I didn't have to go, but I have to be home before my mother
gets back. I was here for a while before you came."

	"I went over Matt's house after school."

	"Oh."

	"He's in bed with Charlie."

	"Huh?"

	"Matt came home with me. He's spending the night. Something is
eating at him but he won't tell me what it is. He went straight to
Charlie."

	Tom kissed me and said, "I wish I could spend the night, too."

	"What would you have done if I came in here with Matt or Charlie?"

	"I would have jumped out and revealed myself. I kind of didn't want
Charlie to know I was here, but if he had come in with you then I wouldn't
have a choice. I'd rather have Charlie know I was here then have my mother
come home and not find me there."

	"Did you drive here?"

	He laughed. "I wish. My mother took both sets of my keys with
her. She thought that would stop me. I took the bus, which means I have to
take the bus back home. If I had my car," he leaned over and kissed me, "I
could stay a little longer and we could do some fun things." He
sighed. "Let me get up while I still have the will power to leave." He
kissed me again then he stood up. "You have to help me sneak out."
	"Okay."

	He put on his shirt and kissed me a little longer. "I can't wait to
be with you again," he whispered.

	We tiptoed around my house and I walked Matt out the door. He
promised to call then went running down the street. I was almost to my door
when Charlie opened his door and called me.

	"Sam, what are you doing?"

	"Nothing. I went to the kitchen to get something to drink."

	"Oh. Are you feeling better now?"

	I thought about kissing Tom in my bedroom and I felt the stupid
smile stretch across my face. "Yeah. I'm feeling much better."

	"Good because we need to talk about Matt."



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