Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2007 06:08:44 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starving for Love-Part 5. The Bottom Drawer

     I spent most of Sunday exercising and I didn't eat any
food because I had done more than enough eating for one
weekend. I took some multi-vitamin pills and had a little
water and once I got on the scale and weighed in three
pounds lighter than Saturday, I instantly felt better. Dr.
Conley told my parents I shouldn't be allowed access to a
scale because I was too fixated on my weight, but my parents
didn't care about me so they let me buy one and put it in my
room. I don't know who Dr. Conley was trying to kid anyway
because scales were all around me. I got weighed every time
I went to see Dr. Thomas, there was a scale in the boy's
locker room and there were big scales at the front of some
stores. I hated the scales at stores though because I didn't
like everyone knowing what a fat ass I was, as if it wasn't
apparent when they looked at me.
     The scale was the ultimate motivation for me to
exercise everyday, well almost everyday; Tom had a tendency
of fucking up my schedule. He wanted me to go back to being
a tub of lard, but I preferred being half a tub of lard
instead. I wouldn't mind not having any fat, but fat loves
every inch of my body.
  I talked to Tom for a few minutes in the evening and lied
and told him about all the homework I had done because I
knew he would be upset with me if I told him that I spent
all day burning off calories. I got off the phone with Tom
and went to get some more water from the kitchen. I found my
family watching a movie together in the family room. No one
told me they were watching a movie, but I wasn't surprised.
They didn't like me so they didn't bother inviting me. Each
of them turned and glanced at me. Thankfully they looked at
different times because I hated when they all looked at me
at the same time; it was already uncomfortable enough
walking by them when they were together. I felt guilty for
invading their space so I tried to make my trip to the
kitchen quick and I practically ran back to my room with the
water. I drank the water and exercised some more and then I
went to bed.

     I tried to find positions that made the bruises on my
thigh hurt the way they did when I exercised, but nothing
achieved the same level of pain. I had trouble going to
sleep because I was nervous about seeing Tom and eventually
I found myself playing with the scabs on my thighs just so I
could calm down.

     I woke up the next morning and I was tempted to skip
school and skip seeing Tom altogether, but being a glutton
for pain and humiliation forced me out of the bed and in to
my clothes. I put on my dog collar. Tom hated it, but I
loved it. I didn't wear it often, but when I did, I had the
strength to deal with anything. I sat at the desk in my room
and painted a fresh coat of black nail polish on my nails. I
usually left my wardrobe at black clothes and black nail
polish, but some days I took it a few steps further. I
grabbed my black lipstick and put it on then I put on black
eyeliner and black eye shadow around my eyes. Dr. Conley
would say I was trying to hide behind my makeup. He would
probably be right, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction
of knowing it. I was more confident when I was fully armed
with my makeup and clothes and the whole nine yards. I would
have worn my complete get-up to Tom's game if I didn't think
it would have guaranteed a visit to the trash can. People
always treated me the worst when I was completely made up.

     I walked in school and heard the usual taunts from the
other kids. A few kids teased me right in front of some
teachers and the teachers ignored it. They always did. I
overheard two teachers talking about me one time and one of
the teachers said, "That kid is such a freak. I don't
understand why he dresses like
that and then he wonders why the other kids don't want to be
around him. I feel bad for him because some of these kids
are brutal, but when you dress like that, I mean come on,
you're kind of asking for it."

     I thought the other teacher would be the voice of
reason and defend me, but she didn't. She agreed, "I know.
If he was my son, I wouldn't let him out of the house
looking like that. I hear he has some mental issues too. The
nurse told me he was treated at some clinic for anorexia.
What kind of a boy has anorexia? Sometimes I wonder why they
let him go to school here."

     "Me and you both."

     They laughed and kept sipping their drinks and I rushed
to the bathroom. I found a stall and cried. I hated crying
because it meant they had won but I couldn't hold in the way
they made me feel and I couldn't relieve the pain any other
way. I had a policy against abusing myself at school due to
being haunted by nightmares that someone would catch me. I
don't get why it mattered if someone caught me because I
didn't care what any of them thought about me, at least
that's what I repeated to myself everyday. People can't harm
you unless you give them the power to harm you and I refused
to empower any of them but somehow people still managed to
get to me.

     I felt sick as I sat at my lunch table and waited for

Tom. He sat down next to me a few minutes later. He slid

food on my plate before he even said hello.

     "You could at least say hello."

     "Hello, Sam." He smiled at me.

     "Why are you sitting next to me? It looks gay."

     "We are gay," he told me.

  I rolled my eyes. "The whole world doesn't have to know."

   He stopped smiling. "Well thank your lucky stars that I
didn't kiss you like I was planning." He stood up and walked
around to the other side of the table and then he sat down
in his usual spot directly across from me.

     I wished I could have seen the way I was looking at
him. I wanted to suppress the giddy feeling in my heart but
I couldn't because he was going to kiss me in public. He
wanted to kiss me. Then I remembered the way Tom's hand felt
as we held hands and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Tom
caught my look and stared at me until I blushed. "What?" I
asked.

     "What's that look about?"

     "You were going to kiss me?"

     "I wanted to but I knew you would freak and it wasn't
worth it."

   "I would freak? What are you talking about?" I feigned
innocence.

  He chuckled. "You're wearing all of your protective gear.
Something freaked the shit out of you already and I have a
feeling it was me."

   "I'm not wearing my protective gear. This is my style,
remember?"

     "This is you being afraid of facing me and trying to
hide behind as many layers as possible." Then he added
sarcastically, "The collar is a nice touch." I smiled at
him. "You know how much I hate that thing."

     "Yeah, I know." I looked at the food on my plate.

    I grabbed my salad and was about to put my lite salad
dressing on it when Tom reached over and grabbed the salad
dressing. "Eat some real food before you chew on that
grass."

     "It's lettuce, not grass."

     "It's green and leafy. That's all I need to know."

     "I thought we had a deal about you and my lunch. I went
to your game remember?"

     "I remember, but I made a deal with Sam, my best
friend, now you're Sam, my boyfriend, so technically the
deal is null and void."

  "How do you figure? I'm the same Sam I was on Thursday."

     "You don't think things are different now?"

  "No." I took a bite of my sandwich and sat it back on my
plate. "Don't say anything."

     "I won't."

     I admit I knew it would be hard for him to keep from
commenting on my eating because my eating was a major part
of his lunch. He worried about me too much, but then again I
loved when he worried about me because it was his way of
loving me. I took a few more bites of the sandwich and then
I put it down and got my salad. Tom didn't say anything. "So
what are you doing after practice tonight?" I asked him.

     "I was planning on coming over to your place and
hanging out for a few hours."

     "Okay."

     We spent the rest of lunch joking around with each
other and he didn't bring up the food issue again, which
surprised me. Six hours later I was at home in my room
working out. There was a knock on my door and I knew it was
Tom. I got off the floor and lied across my bed so he would
think that I had been relaxing.

     "Come in."

   He came in and I noticed he had a piece of paper in his
hand, "Hey, this was on your door." He handed the paper to
me. "Glad to see you've lost the collar and the makeup. I
like your face the way it is."

     I rolled my eyes and read the note. The note said,
`Hey, I called Dr. Thomas and he said he can see you Friday
at 12:30 so I'm going to pick you up early from school. -Mom
P.S.- we're going out to dinner at 5 if you're interested.'
I crumpled the paper up and said, "I've been in here this
whole time. Don't you love the way she leaves a note on my
door instead of just telling
me?"

  Tom sat on my bed. "You should tell her how you feel when
she does things like that."

     "Why, so she can know that I know how she really feels
about me?"

     "How does she really feel about you?"

     He sounded exactly like Dr. Conley. "We're not talking
about this."

     Luckily Tom knew better than to push me. "Okay, well I
have something for us to talk about instead."

     "What?"

     "I know we just started doing whatever we're doing, but
you act like we're still just best friends. We're more than
that now."

     "I know."

    "Then why do you keep scooting away every time I inch
towards you?"

     "I do?"

  "Yes. Don't act like you don't know. You're being pretty
obvious about it."

     I didn't know. I hadn't realized that I was moving away
from him until he pointed it out. I looked around and
noticed that I had moved several inches on the bed. "I'm
sorry. I didn't realize I was doing it."

  "Oh, does that mean that subconsciously you don't want me
near you?"

  "No, it probably means that you scare me on some level."

     "I scare you?"

     "You know that already, Mr. Wannabe Shrink. You're the
one who analyzed me when we were at your house."

     "I didn't analyze you. I just told you what I knew you
were feeling because I know you. I pay attention to what you
do and what you say and how you say it."

     "Don't forget about what I eat, when I eat it and how
much of it I eat."

  He grinned. "I'm trying to stay away from the subject of
food because we never see eye to eye on that topic and I'm
even taking back what I said earlier at lunch. We did have a
deal and we still do. I'm not going to hassle you for the
rest of the week, because I am a man of my word."

     "You're not a man," I teased.

     He pulled his shirt down a few inches. "I think these
prove otherwise."

     I stared at the spot on his chest that he had revealed
and
failed to see anything. "Tell me what I'm looking for."

  He rubbed his finger over a spot. "Look right here. Can't
you see them?"

  I moved closer to him so I could get a better look at the
exposed area on his chest. I had to lean in real close and
squint before I was able make out what looked like four
hairs. I tried not to laugh but I couldn't help it. It was
too funny. He pushed me away and I fell back on the bed.
"Please tell me you are not referring to the four baby hairs
on your chest. Just say it's a joke, please." The bed shook
because I was laughing too hard.

     "It's not funny. Stop laughing at me." His voice
sounded too happy to say I had hurt his feelings, so I kept
laughing. He straddled me and I stopped laughing. I looked
up at him and his eyes made me want to die right then
because all I saw in them was happiness and love. I didn't
understand how he could look at someone like me like that. I
nervously giggled until he said, "Let me know when I'm
getting too close." It took my brain a second to compute
that his face was slowly approaching mine. I licked my lips
without thinking. "I saw that," he informed me.

     "Maybe I wanted you to see that."

     "Oh really? Okay." His lips almost touched mine and he
stopped. He explained before I even asked, "If you want to
kiss me, you're going to have to do it." His words warmed my
lips but I didn't move. "I'm serious."

  I didn't want to kiss him. I kept telling myself I didn't
want to do it, but I must have forgotten to tell my lips. My
lips grazed his and he smothered my mouth with a kiss. He
kissed my upper lip, then he kissed my lower lip, then he
stuck his tongue out and softly licked my lips. "I wish you
knew how amazing you are," he whispered. He sat up on my bed
and I swore I still felt his lips on mine. I closed my eyes
and took a finger and rubbed my lips.

  I opened my eyes and looked over at Tom. "Do it again," I
begged.

     "Do what again?"

     "You know what you just did."

  "Mm-hmm. Maybe I'll do it again later tonight, if you're
good, but right now I think you need to take a shower."

  "Does my manly musk offend you?" I raised my eyebrows and
solicited a laugh from him.

     "No, but it might offend my parents. We're meeting them
at Verde for dinner."

     "I've already had enough to eat today."

     "No you haven't. Plus my mom said you needed to gain
weight so don't even try to argue with me."

     The wheels in my head moved at full throttle. "Is this
why you were trying to avoid an argument about food?"

    His facial expression screamed `guilty,' but he said,
"Perhaps."

     "You really make me sick sometimes."

     "I know, but that's why you love me," he said with a
toothy grin.

     "I don't love you."

     "Yes you do. You can't help it. I'm irresistible."

     "You, irresistible? That's about the same likelihood as
me being popular."

     "Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know it's true. Now get up
and go shower. The reservation is for seven."

     "What if I don't want to shower?"

  "I will strip you naked, throw you over my shoulder, take
you in the bathroom and force you to shower."

     "Is it that serious?"

     "Yes it's that serious."

  "Fine, but don't think I'm going to eat a lot." I got off
the bed and grabbed a new outfit and then I went to take my

shower. The shower was hot and it wasn't just because of the

water. I kept thinking about the way Tom looked at me and

the way his body felt when he was on top of me and the way

his lips begged me to kiss them. I had to jerk off in the

shower. I was in the middle of drying off when I heard Tom's

voice.

     "Sam!"

     "What?"

     "Open the door."

     "I'll be out in a minute."

     "No, open the door now."

     I wrapped the towel around my waist and opened the
door. Tom walked in with his hands behind his back. I closed
the door behind him. "What's going on?"


   "Why don't you ever change your clothes in front of me
anymore?"

     "I don't know."

     "I think you do know."

     "I don't. I mean you've seen me in my boxers, what are
you talking about?"

  "I haven't seen you completely naked since you came back
from the clinic the first time."

     "Maybe I'm ashamed of my body."

     "Or maybe you're trying to hide something."

     My mind went in to panic mode and I wondered how much
he knew and most importantly, how he knew. "I don't have
anything to hide."

     "Okay so drop the towel."

  "I'm not going to give you a free peak at me just because
you're having issues. We may be more than friends now, but
the last time I checked, my body still belonged to," my
voice died when my eyes caught something shiny in the
mirror. Tom glanced at the mirror and then shuffled to the
side. "Give it back!"

     "No, not until you tell me why you have it." I tried to
think of a believable lie but I kept drawing a blank. Tom
moved his hands to the front and I saw that he had my
cutting knife and a pack of my cigarettes. "What the hell do
you have these for? I know you don't smoke! You think
smoking is disgusting."

     I grabbed the cigarettes out of his hand and looked at
the floor. "I do smoke. I've been hiding it from you. I'm
sorry."

     "Okay and the knife is for what? Those times late at
night when you get a hangnail?"

     "I just like it. I don't use it for anything. What are
you trying to imply?"

  "I'm not trying to imply anything. I'm trying to find out
what is going on with you."

   "So you snoop through my drawers? Why not just ask me?"

     "Why are you getting offended? I wasn't snooping. I was
going to hide a present for you in that drawer but when I
opened it I saw this shit." He put the knife on the sink.
"Look me in my eyes and tell me you don't use the knife for
anything." I looked him in his eyes, but I couldn't lie to
him so I kept starting my defense but ending only a few
words in. I didn't understand why he would automatically
jump to the conclusion that I was using the knife for
something I shouldn't have been using it for.

     I finally managed to ask him, "Why do you think I'm
lying?"

     "Because I know you. You couldn't even look me in my
eyes and say it. Now tell me what you're doing with this
stuff?"

    "I'm holding it for Charlie before you go jumping to
conclusions."

     "Oh, really? Okay well why don't you drop your towel
and if there's nothing there I'll apologize."

     I stared at his shoes. "Stop being ridiculous. What do
you think I'm doing with the stuff? Hurting myself or
something? I'm not! I'm just holding on to them for Charlie.
Why won't you believe me?" He pulled my towel away from my
waist and my mouth opened in shock. I used my hands to cover
myself, but I couldn't cover the bruises. "Why'd you do
that?"

     He was too busy staring at my inner thighs to say
anything. I squeezed my legs together to keep him from
looking at the marks. My recent cuts hurt but the pain felt
good. Tom handed me the towel and looked at me with pity in
his eyes. "How could you do that to yourself?"

     "I didn't do it," I said, before I realized how
ridiculous I sounded.

     "Why do you keep hurting yourself?"

     I wrapped the towel around my waist and ran back to my
room. I threw myself on the bed and cried in to my pillow.
My secret wasn't a secret anymore and the one person who I
never wanted to know was the first person to find out. I
felt the bed go down a little as it sank beneath Tom's body
weight. He put his hand on my back and rubbed soothingly
until my tears refused to fall anymore. I turned my head to
the side a little and told him, "You were never supposed to
know."

  "But I love you. I would have found out sooner or later."

     "Well I would have preferred later." I buried my face
in the pillow and kept crying. His hand stayed on my back. I
thought about him telling my family and then my family
having to pretend to care and wasting another boatload of
money on getting me treated and cured and I was filled with
dread. Imagining what was going to become of my life once
everyone knew what I did to myself was the only thing that
stopped my tears from falling. I had to make sure Tom never
told anyone. I wiped my face and sat up on the bed. I
couldn't bring myself to look at Tom so I looked straight
ahead of me. "You have to promise not to tell anyone."

     He was quiet and I worried that he was about to tell me
he
     couldn't make that promise, instead, he said, "On one

     condition." "What?"

     "You tell Dr. Conley the next time you see him."

     "I don't want anyone to know."

     "I won't tell anyone but you have to tell Dr. Conley.
Maybe he can help you deal with what's going on and attack
the real reason why you hate yourself because it's obvious
that I can't help you. I'm probably only making it worse."
His voice was strained and I could tell by his sniffles that
he was crying. "I wish there was something I could do. I
don't understand it. I don't understand what you're
thinking. I love you so much but it's not enough. It's just
not enough. Why can't I get it right? Why can't I save you?
All I want is to be with you. That's it. I just want to be
with you."


     Tom was devastated because he didn't think he could
help me and I was crying fresh tears because I couldn't
stand the thought of him crying because of me and blaming
himself for what I did. I was the one who was messed up. I
was the one who needed help. I put my arm around Tom and
pulled him to me. "It's not your fault. It's me. I don't
know why I do it. I can't help it, but it's not because of
you."


     "It is because of me. Don't you get it? I must have
made you sick. You were fine until I came to town. I keep
blaming you but what if it's not you? What if it's me? What
if I'm messing you up? Maybe I messed up Isaac too. Maybe
Isaac would still be alive if I didn't exist. What's wrong
with me? Why do I keep screwing up people's lives?"


     "Stop it! It's not you. It's not. Don't blame yourself
for my problems. I was screwed up way before you came here.
You make me better. You make me feel like its okay for me to
be alive, and you didn't do anything to Isaac either. You
had it right the first time. Isaac didn't die because of
you."


     "I could have saved him."


     "You were a kid. There was nothing you could do."


  "I could see how much pain he was in. I should have done
something. I should have gone to check on him that night."

     "Tom it wasn't your fault."

  His tears continued to fall on my bare skin but he became
very quiet. He stopped sniffling and just cried almost
peacefully. I held him and somehow my tears dried up and my
mind started focusing on the warmth of his body. I started
feeling self-conscious because I was half naked and he was
so close. I just wanted to kiss his tears away.

     Tom's tears became a light drizzle before they faded
away. He finally withdrew from me. I was surprised when he
grabbed my face and forced me to look at him. "Don't become
Isaac. Please don't become Isaac. I mean it when I say I
couldn't take it. I would rather die than go through that
shit again. I can't deal with losing you, not like that."

     My brain became functional again and I understood why
he was so afraid of the knife and the cigarettes. He somehow
construed me hurting myself with me wanting to kill myself.
He thought I was suicidal, but I wasn't. I hated being alive
and sure if he wasn't around I would probably kill myself,
but he was around. I couldn't do that to him because I knew
it would hurt him too much and I knew that before he even
told me about Isaac. Knowing about Isaac just made suicide
seem like an even crueler horror to inflict on Tom. I placed
my hand on top of his and said, "I'm not trying to kill
myself."

     "Then why do you keep hurting yourself? Every day I
feel like I have to keep you from starving to death and now
I have to worry about you burning yourself or cutting
yourself? I can't keep up with you. Why are you doing this
if it's not because you want to die? What other reason could
there be?"

     "I don't know. Maybe there's something off inside of
me, but whatever it is that's wrong with me, it's not you."
I put my hand on the side of his face. "I can't explain why
I hurt myself, but I can explain why I want to live." I
paused. "I want to live because of you. You're the reason I
wake up every morning." I needed to show him the depths of
my emotions and the sincerity of my words. I kissed him on
his lips and he kissed me back. The kiss only lasted a few
seconds but it changed my world. I wanted help for my issues
because I wanted to be better for Tom. Our foreheads were
pressed together and I felt cross-eyed trying to stare
deeply in to his eyes, but I was almost hypnotized. "I
promise I'll tell Dr. Conley tomorrow."

    "Thank you." He gave me a quick peck and pulled away.

     "So um, am I still invited to that dinner with your
family?"

     He glanced at his watch. "Of course you are but we're
going to be late."

     "That's okay, better late than never, right?"

     "Sure, but you better eat something tonight."

     I stood up so I could go to the bathroom and get my
outfit that I left in there. "Don't start with me Tom."

     "I'm not. I'm just saying the food there costs too much
to
waste, but you know that. You went there with us before."

     "I can always stay home," I threatened.

     "Oh please. We both know you're itching for a reason to
get out of here for a few hours so why not spend those hours
with me?" He reached out and held my hand. "You know you
love me," he teased.

     I smiled and giggled a little, "Yeah, I do." I stepped
on my pack of cigarettes as I walked towards my door. I
didn't remember tossing them on the floor. I made a big show
of picking them up and throwing all the cigarettes in the
garbage. I walked in the bathroom and saw my knife still
perched on top of the sink and I grabbed it. I had no
intentions of using it. I just wanted to hold it and remind
myself that I could use it if I wanted to, but at that
moment, I didn't want to. I wrapped the knife in my dirty
clothes and changed in to my new clothes. I washed my face
and walked back to my room.

     "I'll be ready to go in a minute," Tom said. "I need to
pee and wash these stupid tears off my face."

     When I heard the bathroom door close, I grabbed my
smashed cigarettes out of the garbage can and rescued my
knife from my clothes. I returned the cigarettes and the
knife to my drawer and threw a shirt on top of them. I
wasn't prepared to let my coping mechanisms go away
completely.


c Lustyville 2007
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