Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2007 16:58:14 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty <lustyville@yahoo.com>
Subject: Starving For Love-Part 7. Seeds of Doubt

     "You want to know about Tom?" James asked.

     Hesitantly I replied, "Yes."

     "Why do you want to know what he did while you were
gone? Do you think he's hiding something from you?" I could
tell James was loving every second of knowing he knew
something about Tom that I didn't. James was in classic
bully mode, deriving his pleasure from ripping the facade of
happiness from my desperate grasp.

     I wished I could tell James I didn't want to know and
assure him that I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction
of ruining my day any more than he already had but I had to
know how they knew Tom and why Tom still hadn't explained to
me how he knew Sarah. I didn't want to sound too eager so I
shrugged my shoulders and said, "I'm just curious."

     "Curiosity killed the cat," he replied.

     "James stop fucking with him and tell him!"

     "I'll tell him when I'm good and goddamn ready,
Scarah."

     "That's not my name, Shitface."

     "Well it should be!"

     Sarah hit the steering wheel with her hand. "Dammit
James!"

     "Okay I'll start talking, but you have to shut up
first."

     "You know what? Fuck it! I'll tell him." She stopped at
a red light. "You can get out now." I reached for the door.
"Not you! I'm talking to the asshole in the backseat."

     "I'm not getting out!" James yelled.

     "You didn't even want to get in!"

     "That doesn't matter. I'm in now."

     The light changed to green but Sarah didn't move. The
car behind us blew its horn. "Um the light is green," I
said.

     "I'm not moving until he gets out." She put on the
hazard lights.

     "We can sit here all night as far as I care because I'm
not moving!" James shouted.

     Sarah turned and looked directly at him, "God I hate
you!"

     "Good because I hate you, too!" Their eyes locked and
an impromptu stare down began. We sat there for a few
seconds longer and then James relented, "Okay I'll tell him
the fucking story but move the damn car before someone comes
and offers to help us."

     The light turned red. Sarah began talking to herself,
"Please Lord, do not let me kill my little brother before we
make it home. Give me the strength to ignore his stupidity
and accept him for the dumb ass he is."

     The light still hadn't changed so I decided to make my
getaway. "You know I can get out right here. I'm really not
that far." I was still about a twenty minute walk from my
house but Sarah's jeep was beginning to suffocate me. I
tried to open my door and that's when I realized it was
locked. I unlocked it and Sarah pushed the button on her
side and locked it back.

     "Don't go. We're sorry. Aren't we, James?"

     "I'm not apologizing for you being a bitch."

     "Whatever." She lowered her voice, "He's sorry, too. We
know we're a lot to handle. My parents don't even like to be
around us at the same time."

     If the devil had a laugh it would sound just like the
one that came from James. "That's true," he admitted. The
light changed and Sarah turned off the hazard lights and
drove down the road. James began speaking in a barely
audible voice, "Billy and I were out hiking a few years ago
and we found Tom floating face down in Vernor's Creek. We
watched him and he didn't appear to be moving so I jumped in
to save him but when I got close to him he started treading
water on his own. He said I scared the shit out of him." I
smiled and then realized how dumb it was to smile because
James couldn't see my face. "I asked him what the hell he
was doing and he told me he was watching the fish."

     I had seen him do that a few times before. Tom told me
it cleared his mind to watch the fish swimming around so
peacefully. Sometimes he named the fish and created stories
based on them and then he shared the stories with me. His
stories always followed the same plot: family, tragedy,
family rebuilding. Before I knew about Isaac I thought Tom's
stories were subliminal jabs at me to try to talk to my
family.

     "It was fucking creepy," James added. "Anyway, we swam
ashore and talked about seeing each other at school. Billy
and Tom knew each other from the lacrosse team so we sat
around drinking beers and shooting the breeze. You know
Tom's a pretty cool guy when he's not hanging around with
your bony ass."

     "James!"

     "Shutup Sarah, I'm not done with my story."

     "Well leave the commentary out."

     "That's censorship."

     "Don't make me stop the car again."

     "Oh are you going to let me drive?"

     "James!"

     "Fine." I jumped when his hand landed on my shoulder.
"You don't mind the commentary do you?"

     Of course I fucking minded the commentary. My ass was
not bony. I wished it was, but it wasn't. "No, I don't mind,
but could you give me the short version, we're almost to my
house."

     "I know."

     I had given Sarah directions before James got in. "How
do you know?" I asked.

     "Tom pointed out your house every time we went by it. I
swear it was annoying as hell. I mean nobody gave a shit
where you lived."

     "I did," Sarah said.

     "You just wanted to check out your competition."

     "That's not true! Sam obviously meant a lot to Tom and
I wanted to know more about him."

     "Get off your fucking high horse and come back down to
reality. You were all over Tom until you realized you were
barking up the wrong tree, you backstabbing bitch."

     "Shut up!" Sarah yelled.

     "What's the matter? Too much honesty for you?"

     "You want honesty? Why don't you tell Sam how you threw
yourself at Tom and he acted like you didn't even exist?
Don't try to pretend like I was the only person with a crush
on him."

     "Don't you watch tv? I had a guy crush. There was
nothing sexual about it and I certainly didn't want him to
fuck me. You, however, would have spread your legs in a
second because you wanted him."

     "You wanted him too until you caught him with Brian so
shut the fuck up and finish telling Sam how we became
friends with Tom."

     "Wait, I'm confused. How can I shut the fuck up and
finish telling the story? Either you want me to shut up or
you want me to keep talking, which one is it?"

     "Stop being a smart ass!"

     "I'm not being a smart ass. Don't think I don't know
what's going on here. You want me to tell Sam about Tom so
when Tom finds out he won't be upset with you. I'm willing
to be the bad guy here, isn't that enough? I mean come on,
what else do you want from me?"

     Sarah took a deep breath. "I just want you to tell Sam
how we know Tom. That's all."

     I noticed Sarah's voice sounded full of resignation.
She wasn't frustrated anymore and she didn't even sound
angry or bitter, she just sounded like she was ready to move
on. I wanted to tell her she could only imagine how I felt.
Being trapped in the car with the two of them was worse than
sitting at the dinner table with my family. The way Sarah
and James spoke to each other and acted was puzzling. I
couldn't tell if they hated each other or not, but I got the
impression that their venomous words were their way of
expressing their love. In my mind, that was exactly what Dr.
Conley would say. Somewhere deep inside of both of them was
a lot of love for one another. Either that or they genuinely
hated each other.
     James went back to telling me about meeting Tom. He
described his "guy crush" on Tom as confusion and assured me
he was never interested in Tom "like that" and his
girlfriend was giving him more than he could handle. Dr.
Conley would say the description James gave of his
relationship with his girlfriend was too exaggerated and was
most likely his way of compensating for still having a crush
on Tom. The way he confronted me in the lunchroom began to
make sense.

     Anyway, I found out a lot of things about Tom that I
had never expected and a few things that I wasn't sure I
wanted to know. I can't say what shocked me more, the fact
that Tom partied all the time while I was gone or the fact
that Tom had been secretly involved with Brian Jarnon from
the lacrosse team. James told me that Tom was outgoing and
popular during both of my disappearances. Everyone knew I
was in a clinic but James referred to my absences as my
first disappearance and my second disappearance as if I had
simply vanished.

     Sarah parked in front of my house and time flew by as
James told me more stories about things that happened with
Tom while I was gone, including Tom's big fight with Billy
because Billy wouldn't stop making jokes about me. Tom
hadn't been friends with Billy for about a year. To make
matters worse, James said Tom and Brian had a nasty break up
right after I left for my second disappearance. James said
he could care less about Tom and the only person who still
cared about "Tom and his dumb ass" was Sarah. It sounded
like Sarah had been a good friend to Tom while I was gone.
She pretended to date him after she found out he and Brian
were together so no one would think something was going on
between Brian and Tom. According to James, Sarah and Tom
still talked all the time.

     "Oh shit!" James shouted.

     "What?" Sarah asked.

     "Tom just pulled up behind us."

     I turned and saw Tom slam his door and march towards
us. He hit Sarah's window. "What are you doing with Sam?"

     She let her window down. "We're talking."

     "Talking about what?"

     "What do you think?" James asked.

     "You guys promised you'd let me tell him when I was
ready."

     "I didn't tell him. James did. I tried to stop him but
he wouldn't shut up," Sarah said and then she turned and
winked at me. She instigated the entire situation and yet
she was pretending to be an innocent bystander who couldn't
stop her brother from opening his big mouth. She practically
begged him to tell me about Tom.

     "James why would you tell him? You promised."

     "We're not friends anymore so it doesn't matter what I
promised you. Besides, when were you going to tell him? We
gave you time when he came back after his first
disappearance and then we gave you time after his second
disappearance. How long did you want us to wait for you to
tell him about Brian and us?"

     Tom opened his mouth and took a deep breath. "You told
him about BJ?"

     "Yes."

     Tom looked at me. "He told you?"

     The way his eyes cowered when they glanced in my
direction told me he didn't want me to know. He was supposed
to be my best friend and he wanted to keep secrets from me.
I didn't understand what would make him think that I
couldn't handle hearing about Brian. Tom didn't even know I
hurt myself when he decided to keep me in the dark about his
love life. I could have handled it. I probably would have
been in the clinic longer and possibly would have thrown
myself down the stairs again, but I would have been okay
eventually. My need for Tom to be in my life was greater
than any amount of jealousy I could have felt.

     I nodded, "Yeah he told me. It's not a big deal."

     Tom's eyes refused to make contact with mine. "Really?"

     "Yeah, really." His eyes darted up towards my face and
I quickly looked away from him because I didn't want him to
see I was lying. When I came home from the clinic the first
time, Tom snuck around with Brian behind my back. How could
he have done that to me? I thought we were exploring who we
were together and it turned out Tom had already been in a
gay relationship. I wasn't even good enough to be his first.

     "I should have told you," he whispered.

     I forced myself to smile and I looked at him, "It's
okay."

     His eyes went crazy scanning my face, the dead look
that had been in his eyes was replaced by fire. "What the
hell happened to your face?"

     "He thought he was Superman and he tried to fly," James
said.

     "What?"

     "Sam tried to fly and his face broke his fall," James
told him.

     Tom gave me a questioning look and I knew he knew I
tried to hurt myself. I hated that he knew so I unlocked my
door and got out. I should have ran towards my house but
even my legs felt weak and defeated so I walked slowly
instead. My world was literally crashing down on me; first
Tom discovered my secret and then I discovered his. I didn't
want any more truth. I just wanted everything to be silent
and still. Tom jumped in front of me. I dropped my bag and
he wrapped his arms around me. "I'm not upset," he
whispered. "I promise I'm not, and I'm sorry if knowing
about BJ hurts your feelings. I had a lot of shit to work
out back then. I loved you but I wasn't sure if it was okay
if I was in love with you." Tom kissed my neck. "You were
always the one I wanted."

     "Why don't you kiss the little fag," James yelled.

     "Ignore him," Tom said, "he's just jealous." Charlie
came out the front door and time granted me my wish and
stood still. My chin rested on Tom's left shoulder as I
looked my older brother directly in his eyes. He returned my
stare for a few seconds and then he looked away. I caught
him look at me again for a moment and then he walked by as
if Tom and I weren't even there. Tom let me go. "We should
get something to eat before we go see Dr. Conley."

     I had planned on riding the bus and meeting Tom at the
doctor's office. "You're taking me?"

     "Why did you think I was here?"

     "I don't know."

     "Should we leave now?" James asked.

     Tom responded with half a smile on his face, "That
would be nice."

     "We can take a hint, but don't think I'm done talking
to Sam."

     "Stay away from him!" Tom warned.

     "Why? You scared?"

     "James shut your damn mouth and let up that window!"
Sarah ordered.

     "Scarah, would you please mind your own business?"

     "This is my business. The only reason I didn't stop you
from telling Sam was because it was time for him to know why
you and Billy were such asses to him."

     "Oh please! You are so full of shit! You begged me to
tell Sam. He was in the car too, or did you forget that? Hey
Sam why don't you tell Tom what really happened? It's time
he saw Sarah for the hardcore bitch she really is!"

     I kept my mouth shut hoping Sarah would respond so I
didn't have to say anything. My wait was short. "James just
shut up! Tom knows you hate him. He knows that's why you
told Sam. Don't bring me in to this. This is about your
personal shit with Tom."

     "This is as much about your shit with him as it is
about mine."

     "Tom I'll talk to you later," Sarah said. Her jeep
screeched down the road. James was yelling something but I
couldn't make out what he was saying.

     "Are they always like that?" I asked.

     "They're usually worse," Tom told me. "Now let's go."

     "I need to put my bag in the house."

     "Just throw it in my car."

     "Whatever." I walked to his car and got in. I would
have given anything to be in my room with a burning
cigarette pressed against my thigh because the day continued
to venture in a direction that made me uncomfortable and
frightened me. I hated uncertainty and I needed to do
something or risk losing my mind completely. My hands
started fidgeting. I had to put them to use so I pulled the
rubberband out of my hair and let my hair fall. I used my
hands to comb my hair in front of my eyes then I sat back in
my seat.

     "Don't do that," Tom said. "Don't try to shut me out."

     "I let my hair down. Geez."

     "Look I should have told you about him but I didn't
know what to say. I missed you and I wanted to be close to
someone and he was there. I won't say I was using him
because I wasn't, but what we had was nothing compared to
what I have with you. I already told you about the moment I
realized I was in love with you but what I left out was the
effect that moment had on my life after you left. Knowing I
was in love with you ruined everything between me and BJ.
You were all I thought about. After that day, I knew I
couldn't be with BJ anymore because it wasn't fair to him.
We broke up right after you went to the clinic the last
time. I think we both knew I could never love him the way I
love you. The sad part is that BJ really loved me and he had
a hard time understanding why I would dump him in order to
pursue a relationship with a guy who I didn't even know was
gay or not."

     Tom's words crashed against my ears and tunneled inside
but none of the words brought me comfort; instead, each word
seemed to prick my heart. I was tempted to open the car door
and jump out but I knew that wasn't an option so I settled
for putting the rubberband to good use. I wrapped the
rubberband around my index finger until the tip was puffy
and red.

     "Sam don't do that."

     "You should be watching the road, not me."

     Tom grabbed my hand, "I can do both." His fingers
deftly removed the rubberband.

     I wanted to tell him he shouldn't bother trying to
watch me because I was not worth looking at and he probably
wished I looked like Brian anyway. How could Tom think twice
about me when he had Brian? Brian was definitely better
looking than I was, then again so was every guy at my
school. It really didn't matter who it was that Tom was
involved with because everyone was better than me. Tom
squeezed my hand.

     "Do you want to hold hands?" he asked.

     He wanted to hold my hand again and some part of that
idea triggered an uneasiness inside of me that disguised
itself as laughter. "I bet you held hands with Brian, too."

     "We did in the beginning but only in private. I was
petrified that we would be caught and you know I never gave
a shit what people thought about me, but I wasn't ready for
my parents to find out. I was so embarrassed when my mother
and James walked in on me and BJ. I wanted to disappear." He
wanted to disappear and that was exactly what I wanted to do
at that moment. "Did James tell you about that?"

     "Yes."

     "My mother had a nice long talk with me later that
night. The surprise was on me though because her main
concern was figuring out why I was with Brian when it was
obvious I was in love with you."

     Tom's thumb rubbed the back of my hand and I knew he
was waiting for me to turn my hand over so we could hold
hands. He needed to hold my hand in order to convince
himself that everything was okay. He probably suspected I
was close to the edge and he wanted to make sure I held on
to him before I jumped. He believed he had a duty to help me
and I had to let him know that he wasn't under any
obligation to be with me. "Did Brian make you happy?"

     "He did for a while but he wasn't you. He never could
be."

     "Because he's normal?"

     "Sam you're"

     "If you say I'm normal I'm going to open the door and
jump."

     "Haven't we had this discussion before? Sam you're not
abnormal. Sure you don't dress or act like everyone else but
that doesn't mean you're not normal. You're normal to me."

     `You must be crazy, too,' I thought. Hell Tom had to be
crazy to pick someone like me over Brian. Brian was cool.
The more I thought about Brian, the more I realized that
Brian was the type of guy Tom should be with, not me. I was,
well, I wasn't right for Tom. My hand started shaking.

     "What's wrong?"

     "I can't compete with Brian."

     "You don't have to. I love you and I am in love with
you. I'll probably always be in love with you. I can't help
it."

     He couldn't help it? Did that mean liking me was like a
disease? "You can't help it?"

     "Nope, I can't help it. I am hopelessly head over heels
in love with you and everything about you. You know that.
Don't you? I mean what do I have to do to prove how I feel
about you?"

     "Nothing. You don't have to do anything. Not one single
thing."

     "Don't get defensive."

     "I'm not." He put his arm around me. I had to change
the subject. "Do you know where Dr. Conley's office is?"

     "You said he was at Hillside."

     "Yeah, he is."

     "What do you think he's going to say when he sees me?"
Tom asked.

     "You're going back there with me?"

     "Isn't that how it works?"

     "No. It's not group therapy."

     "Oh." Tom squeezed my shoulder. "Do you think he'll
mind?"

     "No. He'll probably be excited to meet you."

     "You don't want me to meet him do you?"

     I answered his question with silence, figuring since he
was reading my mind anyway he should be able to figure out
exactly what I wanted to say to him. I couldn't handle
hearing about him and Brian and then having him hear about
me in therapy. I wasn't ready for him to sit in on a session
but I wasn't willing to tell him he couldn't.

     Tom's arm stayed around my shoulder and I assumed he
had given up on trying to hold hands and settled for simply
making contact. His actions were just another example of the
fact that he always made concessions when it came to me. It
didn't seem right.

     Something inside of me started to go off. There was no
warning, no receding of the tide, just a rogue wave
barreling towards the shore. I started scratching the back
of my right hand and I tried to be discreet. When I realized
Tom hadn't noticed, I pinched myself. I didn't pinch through
my skin but I did pinch hard enough to leave two red marks;
although the pinching did little to numb the aching inside
of me.

     Tom was disturbingly sullen as he drove and I wondered
if knowing I didn't want him there had upset him. His
fingers began to play with the nape of my neck and then I
wondered if he realized what he was doing. His touch felt
like tiny shocks jumping across my skin and I had to take
deep breaths in order to maintain some form of cognitive
action and prevent my brain from shutting down and running
on autopilot.

     I began absentmindedly picking at the bruise on my
knee. Tom never took his eyes off the road, but his hand
grabbed my ear. "If you keep picking at that thing I swear
to God I will cut your hair or force feed you in the middle
of the night or do something equally horrific."

     "I, uh"

     "Save it for Dr. Conley."

     That one line told me everything I needed to know about
Tom's state of mind. Tom was upset, he was hurt and he was
annoyed, all of which were a direct result of my actions.
The lifesaver that kept my heart afloat began to dissipate
and right before my heart sank it began to hurt as if
someone had chipped a piece of it off and stuffed it down my
throat. The uncomfortable lump, that usually veered its ugly
head when I was extremely nervous about something, was
trying to ambush me and snuff my existence. Only this time,
Tom was the source of the lump.

     Tom wanted me to change and adjust to the world
according to others but I wanted to adjust to the world
according to what I saw, and I saw a lot of things I didn't
want to see. Namely, the parking lot of the MacDonald's Tom
was pulling in to. Fast food was fattening, even the salads.
Why would Tom do that to me? It had to be a sign that he
didn't truly love me and that made me further question the
depths of Tom's love for me and forced me to begin to fear
that maybe I was right all along.


Copyright Lustyville 2007
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