Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 22:35:08 PDT
From: Jason Trower <jaytrower@hotmail.com>
Subject: Strawberry Boy part 8

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE!!!! Yes it's true, Strawberry Boy returns!!! To
dispell any horrible fears you may have had I am alive and the story
continues right where it left off. All your questions from chapter seven
will be answered (well maybe not all). Give it a read, let me know what you
think, and hopefully you'll enjoy it. And hopefully I'll return to a normal
schedule again. Thanks, laters.

****************************************************************************

The Strawberry Boy
Chapter 8

                            By Jason Trower


   I was reminded of a lush rainforest. The rain was steady but not harsh,
the air was warm and humid, birds sang from their dry perches in trees and
the eaves of the houses, and the morning sun through the storm clouds cast
a green hue over everything. Thunder rumbled softly but there was no
lightening to be seen. And in some strange, almost numb way, I was at peace
for that moment, laying there in bed, Matt sleeping beside me, pressed
close. The poor kid had stayed up most of the night pouring his heart out
to me like never before, in tears for most of the time, until he'd finally
exhausted himself and fell asleep next to his big bro. I now saw him in a
whole new light. Not just my kid brother who could be annoying sometimes,
he was my equal, my true brother in every sense of the word. We were
sharing far more than I ever thought we could, and I knew now that he was
experiencing all the confusing pain and hormones that I had been through.

   I also knew that Aaron and I needed to start being more careful,
although at the time being overheard was the last thing on my mind. Matt
had come home the day before and heard me and Aaron in bed. He was almost
too embarrassed to tell me, but eventually confessed that he'd heard us
having sex and the fight. It was then that he saw his big brother in such
pain over his loss and all alone that he'd decided to tell me.

   Matt rolled over in his sleep, nearly rolling on top of me. I smiled and
tried to roll him back over. I looked at him sleeping for a moment and
caught myself almost admiring him. Laying there in nothing but shorts, his
soft face, thin chest, long legs, if he wasn't my little brother I'd say he
was quite a cutie.

   His eyes fluttered open, then grew wide as he saw we were laying
together in my bed. He jumped up falling off the edge of the bed and onto
the floor, jumping up to his feet again.

   "Oh my god...wha...what happened?" he asked breathlessly.

   I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction and that seemed to confuse him
even more. He stood there looking at the way he was dressed (or undressed)
and looking back to me.

   "It's OK bro, you fell asleep while we were talking last night," I said
still grinning.

   "Oh man," he said sighing with relief and leaning back against my
desk. "I...I thought maybe...something....like..."

   "You thought we had sex?" I asked laughing again. This time Matt managed
to see the humor and grinned a little himself, turning slightly red at the
same time. My little brother Matt, always the shy one.

   "I...I'm gonna go take a shower," he said with a bashful smile and left
the room.

   I was still giggling a little as he left but my smile soon faded as I
looked at myself in the mirror. I was still looking for answers, this time
in my own eyes, but I found none. I only asked myself more questions. Why
had I done that to Aaron? Why couldn't I just forget about Alex? Once again
I was left to contemplate life without Aaron, the boy I had loved for so
long, who had loved me for so long. We had been in a fight before, but this
was completely different. This struck deeply at our trust, his trust of
me. With that one simple name I had shattered his dream come true, but it
felt more like I had stabbed myself in the chest. I would have preferred
that, to be dead instead of living without him.
   The doorbell rang and I nearly jumped out of my skin. Was it Aaron? I
was shocked that he'd come back so soon after what I'd done, but I was also
scared of what would happen. I ran downstairs and to the front door but
didn't find Aaron. It was somebody I'd never seen before, a kid about 13,
blond hair, about Matt's height.

   "Hi, is Matt home?" he asked in a quiet but cool voice.

   "Um...yeah, come on in," I said not trying to look too
disappointed. "He's in the shower but he'll be done soon, you can wait if
ya want."

   The boy came inside and stood as I looked him over slightly. I couldn't
help but notice his blue eyes and his small but well shaped build. His eyes
shifted around the room a little and then back to me as if to say
"and....."

   "Oh, I'm sorry," I said slightly embarrassed, "I'm Jay, Matt's brother

   "Cool, I'm Corey," he said flashing me a bright white smile and a half
hearted wave.

   If this is what Matt had to look at every day it's no wonder he's
gay. Sure Corey was a little young for me, but he was stunning. I was
probably being a little too obvious as I admired his youthful beauty, but
even his clothes complimented his happy face and that smile.

   "Why don't you come upstairs and hang out while ya wait," I offered,
partially to be polite and partially so I could be around him.

   "I don't know, why don't I?" he asked with a grin.

   I laughed and motioned for him to follow me upstairs. I walked into my
room and tossed a CD in the player as Corey flopped himself down on my bed,
completely at ease as if we'd known each other forever. I cranked up the
volume a little more than usual, as if the loud music could drown out my
misery over Aaron.

   "Van Halen, huh?" Corey asked, "is this with the new guy?"

   "Huh? Um, yeah," I answered, returning from my day dream out the window.

   "There must be some kind of way that we can make it right, but I just
can't do it all without you," Maybe this song wasn't helping to ease my
mind after all.

   "Geez, what's taking Matt so long in there," Corey asked impatiently. I
couldn't help but wonder if he was becoming impatient with Matt or just
hoping to get away from my somber mood.

   "Oh come on," I said, hoping to lighten things a little, "I know what
you thirteen year olds do in the shower."

   To my surprise Corey didn't blush or become defensive, he actually had a
good laugh, one that saw the humor but also seemed to agree with what I
said. I got the impression quickly that Corey was rather mature and
confident for his age, yet he didn't seem egotistical.

   I returned to staring out the window with a sigh. I repeated my own
words to myself silently...as long as I keep Aaron by my side it will all
work out fine. Yeah right, I'd done a pretty good job of that. I could
almost see Aaron's house down the street from where I sat at my window, but
he seemed so far away.

   I felt a hand rest gently on my shoulder and I turned to see Corey
standing next to me with a worried look on his face.
   "Are you alright?" he asked. It was then that I realized I had tears
dripping down my face. Corey's soft blue eyes were filled with concern and
compassion.

   "Yeah, I'm OK, I was just thinking about somebody, thanks," I answered
as I wiped my face with my hands.

   I heard the bathroom door open and Matt walked down the hall past my
room, wearing only boxers and drying his hair with a towel.

   "Hey, Corey! What's up?" he asked when he noticed our guest. Corey
turned towards Matt and paused for a moment before saying hello. I couldn't
see his face but I imagined him with mouth open, eyeing Matt's near naked
body. 'Geez! I'm getting bad, not everyone is gay' I thought to
myself. Corey followed Matt to his room but not before looking back over
his shoulder at me with a friendly smile that seemed to say 'everything
will be OK'. Was this kid psychic too?

   "If I cannot kiss you from afar, press against your lips, taste the
sweetness...of your breath," the CD continued playing and I noticed that
when you're in love suddenly every song has some meaning, you can see more
clearly then ever what the words are saying, and you can feel the emotion
in it like never before.

   "If I cannot touch you from afar, hold you in my arms, keep you
warm...and safe from harm." And yet when your heart has been broken you see
the pain and wrenching heartache in every song.

   I sat on the bed staring at nothing in particular, thinking, wondering,
longing. I wasn't sure how long I sat there engrossed in my thoughts. It
seemed only like a few seconds but I was suddenly snapped out of my
catatonic state by the sound of my CD player coming to a stop. I'd sat
there through the whole disc. I sighed deeply and decided I'd better try
eating at least once today. I wondered what Matt and his new friend were
doing for lunch and went to ask if they'd like to order a pizza.

   I noticed the house was oddly quiet as I walked down the hall to Matt's
room. The door was closed and I knocked lightly. No reply. I listened but
heard nothing. Slowly I turned the door knob and pushed the door open far
enough to poke my head into the room. And there, on Matt's bed...was my
shirt! The extra large blue and gray one I'd been looking everywhere for!
But Matt and Corey were nowhere to be seen. They must have left while I was
sulking in my bedroom, guess I'm on my own, again.

   I went downstairs and headed for the kitchen searching in vain for some
decent lunch. I was about to give up when I heard a knock at the back
door. I turned to see Alex walking in wearing jeans and the sexiest, tight,
black silk shirt. Wonderful! Just what I needed at a time like this!

   "Hey buddy, what's up?" he asked cheerfully. I tried to put on my best
fake face but I wasn't quick enough and he caught my true mood.

   "What's wrong," he asked, coming to my side with a concerned
expression. I struggled to keep my feelings locked away, to cram them into
that bottle and hope they'd go away, but finally I gave up and let the fake
smile fade away.

   "Aaron is way pissed at me," I conceded. "I hurt his feelings without
meaning to and now he hates me."

   "Come on man, he can't hate you, you guys are best friends," he said
trying to comfort me. "I should know," he said leaning in slightly and
lowering his voice with a grin, "I'm a bit jealous."

   'Shit! He's doing it again,' I thought. He was giving me the
signals...or was he? What if he was? I mean I didn't want Alex, well I did,
but not over Aaron, my true love. If only I knew what Alex was doing, if
only I could be open about it all I could settle everything between me and
Alex and maybe even win back Aaron's heart! That was all it took, just the
possibility that I could have Aaron in my life again was worth whatever
risk. I HAD to know where Alex stood.

   "Let's go upstairs and listen to some tunes or something," I
suggested. Alex readily agreed and we bounded up to my bedroom.

   I told him to put on whatever music he wanted and I flopped down on my
bed, flat on my back, legs over the edge. I eyed Alex's sexy frame under
that tight shirt as he searched through my two hundred CD's as if he was
looking for something just right. He finally put on some mellow music and
turned around, his eyes meeting mine. He smiled slightly and sat down on
the edge of the bed, then leaned back to lay beside me. Alex and I had been
side by side like this on my bed countless times, and I always enjoyed the
closeness, but today it seemed as though we were closer then usual and I
was almost trembling with nervousness.

   "Can I ask you some serious questions?" he asked cautiously.

   "Sure, ask anything," I said.

   "Well...have you ever...been in love...with somebody you couldn't have?"
he asked, still staring at the ceiling.

   My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I was sure it was shaking the
bed. I took a few deep breaths discretely so I wouldn't choke on the words
when I spoke.

   "Yes, Alex, I have," I hinted.

   "So you know how it feels to see that person all the time, to see them
with somebody else, and want them so bad but know it's not possible?"

   "It's always possible," I said, the two of us still looking skyward.

   "But not if that person doesn't like...you," he said with a pause.

   "And maybe they do, and have just been too scared or shy to say it."

   "But there isn't any reason to be shy," he said finally turning his head
to look at me. I turned my face towards his and realized just how close we
were lying.

   "Making the first move is always hard, for either person," I said
quietly.

   "I know, but if I make the first move and I'm wrong it could all go
bad," and he closed his eyes.

   I moved my face the few inches to his and pressed my lips to his mouth,
a slight pressure, my lips gently massaging his. No tongue, just a soft
loving kiss, the one I'd dreamed of for so long, wondered about and thought
I'd never have, and now it was happening, I was kissing Alex!!!

   I let my lips linger on his for a while before finally pulling away and
opening my eyes. He opened his ever wider, staring straight into mine.

   "oh...my...God," he said slowly, "you...you kissed me...you kissed me!"

   Suddenly I was frozen with fear, looking at the surprised expression on
Alex's face, his eyes wide and staring.  The wheels were turning and he
began to put all the pieces together.

   "You...thought I was talking about you? But...that means...you and
Aaron?"
   I finally broke my petrified state as the flood gates opened and the
tears streamed from my eyes. I sat up on the edge of my bed, hiding my face
in my hands, hiding from the knowledge that I had just ruined my friendship
with Alex. I had ruined my life with Aaron and now I was driving away
everyone I cared about. My dream of showing my love to Alex with a kiss had
come true, but the nightmare that he would hate me and never forgive me had
also come to life. I felt my chest tighten until it hurt, I felt my stomach
twist, I felt...a hand on my shoulder.

   "Jay...it's OK, please don't cry," he pleaded. "It's OK, I don't mind,
please don't cry, I hate to see you like this."

   Alex put his arm around my shoulder and held me close. I put my arm
around him and buried my face in his chest. And yet in that position, with
that contact, I had no thoughts of sex or lust for Alex, only a desperate
desire to hold onto our friendship, the one thing that was genuinely
important to me.

   "You're still you, Jay. You're still the same friend I've always
known. You like guys, no big deal. Nobody has to know," he whispered as he
rubbed and patted my back.

   I sniffled and wiped my eyes as I lifted my head.

   "Thank you, Alex."

   "You gonna be OK?" he asked. I simply nodded. "Why don't you get cleaned
up, take a shower, we can go out and do something, get a pizza maybe."

   'Another psychic experience' I thought to myself and smiled. I agreed
and wiped the last of the tears from my eyes as we stood up together. He
hugged me tightly and whispered that everything would work out for the
best.

   "Get yourself together, dude, I'm gonna go snag the car," he said with a
sparkle in his eye. Like any American sixteen year old Alex loved driving
every chance he got. He flashed me another smile over his shoulder and was
off.

   I stood there briefly letting my spinning mind come to a full stop,
waiting until I came to my senses enough to go take a shower. As I got the
towels from the cabinet a strange thought crossed my mind. All the worries,
all the change and new revelations of the past few days, after kissing my
straight friend and giving myself away, I was surprisingly relieved. Like a
giant weight lifted from my chest, and I didn't even know were it went or
at what moment it disappeared, but it was gone. At least I hoped it
was. Then I stopped again as another thought whispered to me from the back
of my mind. I still didn't really know if Alex was straight, he never said.

   I was suddenly distracted by the sound of somebody coming in the front
door and sprinting up the stairs. I looked out of the bathroom to see Matt
walking down the hallway, his head hung low, and almost nervous air about
him.

   "Back so soon dude?" I asked, startling him slightly.

   "Um...yeah, Corey had to go...go do somethin," he stuttered and walked
off to his room, closing the door behind him. It was strange behavior for
him, but not too strange, Matt always was a shy one. I dismissed it and
returned to the bathroom, stripped and stepped into the cool water.

*****************************************************************************

There it is, some questions answered, some new ones to think about. Feel
free to drop me a note if ya liked it (or didn't) I'm
jaytrower@hotmail.com. Laters