Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001 01:09:23 -0400
From: A. Parks <davenseer@hotmail.com>
Subject: strength-because-of-you-03a

Disclaimer: This is a fiction story based on gay characters and contains
sexual encounters between consenting males. If this kind of thing bothers
you in any way, please depart. If you are under age or it is illegal to read
such material where you're from, you are all right, this is not hard-core
porn and I can't imagine a place that would make it law to not view. If you
are not out, I'd advise you hide this really good, maybe save it on disk or
change the name to something boring as to keep you safe. The males in here
do not practice safe sex but I'd advise you to use your best judgment and be
safe when engaging in sexual intercourse. You all know the drill so just
enjoy the story.



Copyright: The author retains all copyrights of this material. Any
reproduction and distribution for money is strictly forbidden. The author
give permission to post his story elsewhere on the web as long as the
material stays completely intact and the author name appears on the
material. If you are not sure if what you want to do is breaking copyright
or not, please contact the author and ask for whatever it is. Thank you.

Note: If you read this with Notepad, make sure you have word wrap checked in
the edit menu. This story is a lot shorter than the previous 2. But chapter
3b will be longer and might be posted sooner.



Strength Because Of You
By Daven

Chapter 3a -- Deceptions


Laying there he just looked so peaceful and adorable. Before I knew what I
was doing I was bending down until my lips touched his. The shock of my
audacity and stupidity had me still kissing him for a second. Then I pulled
away, afraid. He looked to be sleep still. I bent down and grabbed his
clothes to bring to the washer. I turned to go to the door.

"Julian!" I froze. Shit! He caught me. What the hell did I think I was
doing? I was ruined for sure, and that is if he doesn't kill me first--he
was quite capable. I was too scared to turn.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I was tense. The only sound I heard was my breathing. I felt like a taught
bowstring about the break. Then I heard the creak of the bed moving--rather
someone 'on' the bed moving. Then the thud of two feet touching the floor. I
was very aware of Terrin standing up. It felt like my heart was about to
burst it was beating so hard. Then his hand grabbed my shoulder.

"Hey, tough guy, you let me fall asleep on you and you were going to leave
me that way. That's hardly guest-like--me leaving you up by yourself."

"Well you looked so peaceful I was afraid to wake you." I said, still in
suspense about what was coming.

"Well don't play hero on me. I am fine--just you're massage was so damned
good. You can be a professional." He grinned at me and I felt my face warm
in an annoying blush.

It was amazing the effect he had on me. I decided it was a good one, though
a lot of things he complimented me on made me blush. I guess that's the shy
in me. Terrin's girlfriend is one lucky girl. I felt a tinge of what could
only be jealousy.

I smiled nervously back and wondered if he even knew about the kiss. If he
did he sure didn't say anything about it. Terrin's stomach growling at me
broke the tense mood, making me laugh. He looked at me sheepishly.

"Hey! I'm a growing kid. He let's me know when I should eat." 'He' referred
to his stomach.

"Well if you put something on you can come downstairs and get something." I
decided that he didn't know about the kiss. It was both relieving and
disturbing. When the time comes, I can only hope he is this good about
it--and it will come. Nothing gets past Terrin for long.

Terrin looked around. "Well you stole my clothes from me," he said looking
down at himself. "It's only fair I take something back." He went to rummage
around my drawers while I ran down to bring his clothes to the wash. I met
mom on the way.

"Where's Terrin?" She asked, seeing me alone.

"In the room."

She raised her eyebrow at the clothes I was carrying. "Terrin's--he's
staying the night. I mean, if it's all right."

"I don't mind. Tell him dinner will be done in a half-hour." She gave me
that 'chef' look of hers, meaning it was going to be good. Not professional,
but damned near. I couldn't tell the difference--though maybe it was because
I never had a chef's cooking.

"Good. If it takes any longer I think he'll turn cannabalistic on me and
I'll look rather appetizing." She laughed and walked away shaking her head.
I smiled and brought Terrin's clothes to the wash. I thought about Terrin
while I put them in and got it all started. That thought led me to what he
was doing. He was getting--shit!

I turned the washer on and ran up to my room. I burst into my room with
Terrin holding up a blue condom and examining it. Without turning he
addressed me.

"Hmm--interesting, tough guy. Who's the lucky gal? Can you even fit one?" He
joked. I nearly fell to the floor in incredulous disbelief. "Oh," He put the
condom down, "what's this?" He pulled my leather bound journal out my
drawer. I was to his side in a heart-beat snatching it out his hands. He
gave me a startled, confused look. And what almost look like a tinge of
hurt.

"Sorry," I said. That look in his eyes hurt me. I was beginning to be scared
of what I was feeling because of him. "This is strictly confidential." I
paused. "No one sees this," I said, hanging my head down. It came barely as
a whisper.

"I understand," he said. That look was gone, hidden behind the wall of his
strength. "Look. I can't find anything that fits me. Without being tight,
anyway."

"What's wrong with 'tight'?" I asked, pointing to his underwear.

"There's a reason for that." He said.

"What?" I asked, never hearing of lines for having underwear a certain way,
though I knew why 'I' liked it that way.

He gave me a secretive smile. "Strictly confidential." I went to say
something, but I stopped. I guess I deserved that. I was tempted for a
minute to show him my book for him to tell me--only for a minute. What was
in my book was a lot more dangerous that what he could say about his
underwear's tightness.

Then a thought struck me. "Hey. You can wear the sweats I had on yesterday."

"You brought them home." His astonishment showed clearly.

"Well I was too messed up to worry about my own clothes." I went out my room
again. I found them folded in the laundry room. Mom had washed them for me.
I grabbed them and ran them back up to Terrin.

He took them from me and pulled them on. I must admit I was a little
disappointed that he was covered up again. But then I had his image firmly
in my mind. After asking if it was appropriate or he went without a shirt. I
decided to do the same so he didn't feel strange going down for dinner. But
then, did anything make Terrin feel strange?

Then I told him when dinner would be done. We still had like twenty minutes
before it would be done. Terrin suggested that we get a quick wrestling
match. My mind immediately returned to my dream.

"No," I said just a little too forcefully.

He looked at me upset. "Is something wrong?"

"No. I--just don't feel very well since yesterday." Again I hated lying to
him. I hurt inside when I had to deceive him, but I just couldn't make an
opportunity where I would be found out.

"Well. Show me around your house, then. I've only been on a path from your
living room to your room. I never even bothered to look around before." I
thought that was a safe idea and ushered him out into the hall.

Starting upstairs I walked him through like a professional guide. First I
started on the closest thing--the hall we were in. I told him about each
Celtic painting hanging on the wall. There was ten of them. They ranged from
warriors of old, ancient castles and famous sites, to odd art with a series
of intertwining Celtic knots. The color most dominate in most was green. He
was really fascinated with them and from the brightness in his eyes, I knew
he had an eye for good art.

We skipped over my parent's room, and went on to the office. This was the
door after my parents room. This was my dad's office, though he never
forbidden me to come in. In fact he liked when I spent time with him asking
him about his work. It was done it black. Even the desktop computer was
black. I couldn't fire it up because it was password protected, but I did
tell him details about it's performance. The meager art in here consisted of
gold vases and tiny gold-painted sculptures. Terrin thought it nice, and
told me about how his future office would look.

After that I showed him the upstairs bathroom, done in a sea scheme. The
walls were done in an underwater scene with some small fish and sea plants.
The toilet was a turquoise, with a shell-shaped cover. The bathtub was
shell-shaped too and somewhat bigger than a normal sized tub. Terrin made a
comment about it would be fun taking a bath in it--and pointed out that two
people could easily fit in it. I didn't comment on that.

Next we went downstairs. We was first in the living room. Mom had black
leather furniture. The coffee table had a large mirror set in it--the end
tables resembled that, except on a much smaller scale. Terrin was quite
taken with the entertainment center. I had to stop him from blasting the
stereo since my father was home. Mom usually didn't mind, but it was an
evening hour and took late now. We had one of those wide screen tvs that are
supposed to be like the movie I guess. He grinned, saying he had one too.
Then the vcr and dvd player was stacked on each other, and digital cable set
up. Mom didn't want a satellite because it caused too many problems. My ps2
was hidden behind a cabinet with sliding doors.

I got bored with the living room and brought him to the dining room. There
was a crystal chandelier hanging. He thought that was cool. I showed him my
mom's china cabinet and her knick-knack cabinet. He looked at all the
figurines and was quite taken with the detail and work put into the wizard
figures. He was blown away when I told him my mom designed them herself. The
table had six chairs--though we rarely used them and it was a matching set
of cherry oak. Mom and dad sat at the head and I sat on the side in a chair
closest to mom. He marvelled at landscape pictures and the rug for a second
and we moved on. He already seen the dining room from when he ate here
before.

We went into the kitchen and mom gave us a curious look as I showed him
around. She laughed when I started talking in my mock tour guide speech.

"What are you doing, Julian?" She questioned, mirth dancing in her eyes.

"I'm giving him the grand tour. After the kitchen we only got the downstairs
bathroom and we're just gonna skip laundry room."

"So--what do you think of the house so far, Terrin?" She waited eagerly
since she decorate everything that wasn't built in already.

"It's amazing. Some of the art is incredible. I wouldn't mind studying them
for hours. I was quite taken with your knick-knack collection. Your work is
very good." He said this all in a more-than-usual polite tone.

Of course my mom was taken with him and his compliments--so much that she
put her arm around his shoulder and started telling him about the kitchen.
After that she brought him back to the dining room to talk more about her
work. She left me to watch dinner. I could only stare after them, wondering
if I should laugh, or be offended that she whisked him away from me. I
stirred the spaghetti noodles and occasionally looked up at them. They were
avidly talking away, both in a whole other world. I smiled then, at them. At
least my mom approved of him.

Then I saw Terrin say something to her and they both looked up at me and
smiled. Then she said something back to him. He nodded and said a lot more
to her. I couldn't hear anything! What were they saying about me! I was
tempted to forget dinner and demand what they were talking about but decided
against it. I would just ask Terrin later.

The spaghetti was done and I was almost ashamed by interrupting them. But
Terrin was hungry and at least I would get more of his time, however much
shared it would be.

Mom came and took the food from my hands and hummed as if I hadn't been
watching dinner all this time and she was. I shook my head and walked to get
some dishes to set the table.

The spaghetti was excellent. Terrin commented on how good the meatballs were
in particular and they exchanged a smile. Terrin gave me a mischievous
glance. What the hell was going on. I raised my brow inquiringly but he just
continued talking to mom and dad.

Mom wouldn't let me do dishes again and hustled me out the kitchen when I
offered. Terrin and I went to my room.

"What were you guys talking about me?" I asked a little peeved.

"Now, now. It's strictly confidential." He smiled. I was getting sick of
that.

I groaned and lunged at him. He smiled and caught me, swinging me around and
slamming me on the bed. I stopped moving and pretended to be hurt. It's
amazing how fast he turned from Terrin-the-playful to Terrin-the-serious.

"Shit! Did I hurt you, tough guy? Come on, say something." He went to shake
me and I sprung on him, knocking him to the floor. I was sitting on his
stomach holding his arms. He was laughing too hard to say anything.

"Come on--tell me!" I yelled at him. He stopped laughing and looked at me.
Then he quite easily lifted his arms and me with them. He pushed me up and
got up.

"Thought you had me, didn't you?" I leapt at him again and he grabbed me and
slammed me on the bed. He climbed on me and pinned me under him. He held me
and got real close to my face. "You give?" I squirmed under him, realizing I
unknowingly started a type of wrestling match.

His deep blue eyes bore into mine, holding me paralyzed. They were so deep I
was lost in them. I was losing control again. No! I struggled and in my fear
of losing control I got strength and rolled him off me.

Then I sat looking away from him, panting. That was too close. In that
moment our eyes were locked, I felt a sea of emotions. It took hardly any
effort at all to drown my will. Terrin's magnetism and charming nature had
me caught there. I felt so helpless, but at the same time I wanted it.

Terrin sat behind me, leaning back on his hands. "You ok?" I nodded my head
and got up.

"I'll be back." I said without looking at him. I walked into the bathroom
and locked the door. I cried myself silly on the bathtub edge, the question
of what he said about me totally forgotten.

Why? Why can't I control myself around him. The more I'm with him the more I
feel for him. Everything about him makes me lose it. It wasn't as if I was
horny. It was way beyond that. It was like my soul wouldn't be complete
unless I was with him. His eyes spoke volumes to me. Though I couldn't read
him like I could mostly everyone else, he let me see a lot of myself.
Particularly that it was doomed from the beginning to even think I could
just forget about him and go on with life. I was afraid I would emotionally
lose it if I was apart from him much longer.

Images of Terrin came to my mind. His more than striking looks were enough
for anyone to immediately like him. That black hair and unnaturally blues
eyes, that seemed to be able to read everything no matter how hard you tried
to hide it. But looking at him--I didn't 'want' to hide it. I wanted to
confess my... love? He was so strong, yet so gentle. And him--his
personality--he was just too much. All my time with him and being close to
him came flooding back and broke the damn again.

Tears flowed anew and it took some time for this to end. I washed my face
with water. That way it didn't look like I was crying. I looked in the
mirror and amazingly my eyes were not red, though in place of before was a
sadness that wasn't there--or rather not as evident.

I composed myself and walked into the room. Terrin was laying on the bed and
smiled at me when I came in. Then it faded when he saw my eyes.

"What's wrong, tough guy?" He asked pulling himself up in concern.

"I was thinking about before I moved." I lied.

"Care to tell me about it?"

"No--not now. Maybe not ever. I don't know--depends."

"Well, whenever you feel like talking, remember  I'm here.

Damn. Did he have to be so damn nice. He was perfect. I saw nothing wrong
with him. I cooled my anger. No reason taking it out on him. That's what I
love about him anyway.

His eyes stared at me for a minute then he nodded. He leaned back and
quietly thought about something. I sat in my computer chair and just waited.
After some time he got up and suggested we watch a movie. I agreed and
followed him downstairs like an automaton.

I sat somewhat away from him and he gave me a assessing look and let it go.
We watched three movies on paper-per-view and ate some chips. I didn't talk
much and only then it was to answer a question or comment of his.

After that we played some video games. I got into imagining my fighter as
me, beating up some old 'friends'. I took a little heart in how much I won.
Then we played biking and I couldn't concentrate enough to pull my tricks
off, and I had the best bike Dave Mirra could get.

After that Terrin turned the game off and turned to me. He watched me for
some time, not saying anything, then sighed.

"Look, I know that you're more bothered then you let on. It's rubbing off on
me. I don't like to see you like this. I didn't imagine my spending the
night would be so gloomy. You beat my guys with a vengeance, you totally
screw up at a game I know you have to be good at to have gotten the highest
bike. And you've been quiet all night." Then he stopped and thought. "Did I
do something to you?" He asked.

"Yes--no! It's not you. I just don't want to talk about it. Can you just let
it drop for now. If I wanted to talk about it I would. I'm not--so I don't
want to." I immediately felt bad after saying all that. It was too late
though. Before I could say anything, Terrin stood.

"I can't handle your feeling sorry for yourself. I had enough of this before
and I'm not particularly pleased to go through with it again. I'm going to
bed and you can just mope down here all night." He turned and walked off,
taking the stairs two at a time. I watched him disappear around the corner.
The hurt I felt for what I said and what he said stung like cuts in alcohol.

I stood up and walked up the stairs slowly. Terrin had the lights out and
had his eyes closed like he was sleeping. I suppose that meant I shouldn't
bother him. I crawled in the other side and faced the opposite way of him.

I laid up in bed long after I heard the familiar deep breathing that meant
Terrin was sleeping. I sighed and tried to get some sleep. I felt scared and
helpless around Terrin now. Though I loved him, I was scared of what might
happen.

I fell into another fitful sleep. This time it was nightmares of a different
nature. Terrin was crying uncontrollably. There was a dead body of a girl.
Then there was a bird that fell out the sky, the wings broke off. Then I saw
a lot of blue that I could make out waves after a moment. It was water. Lots
of water. Then there was no more.

I woke up less that rested from last night. I thought about what I saw for a
second. It was grey out. The sun struggling in vain to peek past the clouds.

I looked over and saw Terrin on my computer. Damn I shouldn't keep it on all
the time. But oddly I didn't care what he read. I walked over to him and he
turned to me with sympathy. He was reading 'Despair' that I wrote the other
night. Then I saw the closed window of 'If you only knew'. Tears rolled down
my face anew.

"Oh, god Julian. I never thought--didn't suspect." Then he grabbed me and
hugged me with ferocity I never knew. I cried in his shoulder and he rocked
back and forth, comforting me. Well it was out and he knew. He didn't care.
I cried for before. I cried for the trouble his school year. I cried because
of my feelings for him. I cried because he didn't care. He held me until I
was all cried out. Then I sat down and told him the story of before I moved
here. How I was outted and the trouble it caused.

He looked at me differently. A determined look on his face. What was he
thinking? What would happen next? I waited to see.

--There ends part 3a: Deceptions. Though he meant to deceive Julian's secret
finally came out to Terrin and everything was ok, so it would seem.
Questions? Comments? Suggestions? and constructive criticism (really. I mean
tell me where the problem areas are and where I could make it better,
element wise, not story wise. Send to davenseer@hotmail.com -- I want to
take this time to think everyone who emailed me about my story urging me to
continue, it's why I go on. Stay reading for the next part, which will be a
flashback into before this story takes place. It takes you into Julian's
past to when he was outted. Stay reading for Chapter 3b: Memories --