Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2001 09:17:58 -0400
From: A. Parks <davenseer@hotmail.com>
Subject: strength-because-of-you-03b

You all know the drill with the disclaimer thing so I shouldn't have to
repeat myself. Thanks everyone who emailed me with encouragement about my
story, I'm glad you like it. Here is part 3b.

Copyright: The author retains all copyrights of this material. Any
reproduction and distribution for money is strictly forbidden. The author
give permission to post his story elsewhere on the web as long as the
material stays completely intact and the author name appears on the
material. If you are not sure if what you want to do is breaking copyright
or not, please contact the author and ask for whatever it is. Thank you.

*** I'm sorry everyone for the long delay in it's coming. I hope you all are
still watching for this. I'd hate to think I lost readers. Well here it is.
Enjoy. ***

Strength Because Of You
By Daven

Chapter 3b - Memories


"Oh, god Julian. I never thought--didn't suspect." Then he grabbed me and
hugged me with ferocity I never knew. I cried in his shoulder and he rocked
back and forth, comforting me. Well it was out and he knew. He didn't care.
I cried for before. I cried for the trouble his school year. I cried because
of my feelings for him. I cried because he didn't care. He held me until I
was all cried out. Then I sat down and told him the story of before I moved
here. How I was outted and the trouble it caused.

*****

Julian's lungs felt like the were on fire. Each gasp of air he fought into
his lungs came in sharp, painful breaths. The air he 'was' taking in hardly
seemed enough to sustain him. The finish line was only a bit more far away,
and he was using just about everything to make it there first. So far the
rest of the runners were a couple feet behind him and he was sure he would
make it. Just a little more to go.

His feet kept running while his mind spurred him on. You can do it. You can
make it. Come on, Julian. Just a little more. Then you'll be first. Then out
the corner of his eye he saw Jason running up and matching speed with him.
Damn!

Jason was the top runner for H.V.C. Junior High. PV High was Pleasant-Valley
Junior High's long time rivals at everything. Sports, Academics, and even
school functions. H.V.C. had beaten Pleasant-Valley in track for twenty
years. And they were about to do it again. Jason picked up a little more
speed and was carried a little farther ahead of Julian, a conceited grin
plastered on his face. The bastard knew he won and was taunting Julian. It
wasn't fair! They couldn't win again. Julian filled with anger. Then an
amazing thing happened. Some new burst of energy from somewhere Julian
didn't know existed fed into him and he was running faster. He caught back
up to Jason, who looked on in incredulous shock. Then Julian was past him.
Julian felt the thin tape snap as his body hurtled through the finish line.
He'd done it. He really done it.

He came to a stop and tried to catch his breath. He was so tired he almost
wasn't aware of the din going on around him. Everyone on the bleachers for
Pleasant-Valley were standing and roaring with passion. The very track field
rumbled beneath Julian's feet from the onslaught of cheering. Julian looked
and felt tears run down his cheek and the realization fully sunk in. After
twenty years, they'd done it. His team came crashing towards him yelling
with fierce pride. They picked him up off his feet and propped him up high
for the whole field to see. The cheering got even louder. They walked him
off the field.

They coach had a talk with him. He was so happy, like a kid that had found a
new toy. He just couldn't keep the pride and general good feeling out his
face. When coach talked to the other's team's coach he practically rubbed it
in the poor guy's face. But Julian didn't care. He was the hero. He was too
elated to really know what was going on around him.

He showered, for once oblivious to the hot naked male flesh around him
showering too. He talked when spoken too but his mind was too busy to
contribute anything by himself. He finished and got dressed and grabbed his
things. The coach said that there would be a pool party tomorrow at his
house and that Julian especially had better be there or else. Of course he
would be.

Shaun, Julian's best friend caught up to him as he walked out. He stepped
into pace with him, matching him step for step. He was grinning from ear to
ear, but he wasn't saying anything. Julian thought maybe Shaun was giving
him a little more digest time. He didn't need it now. He wanted to talk.
Just as he was about to say something, Shaun spoke.

"You were great man! I can't believe how you whooped their ass." He gave
Julian and five. They walked and talked to Julian's mom's car. She was
waiting all excited. To Julian's dismay, she made a real big show of
affection and congratulations. Julian blushed and said all right already.

"I'm making your favorite tonight--lasagna. My little champion deserves
nothing less." She was more ecstatic than Julian was about winning. You'd
think she was the one who won the race instead. Shaun came over and visited
for a while. They played Julian's playstation. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2.
Shaun was good in it, but Julian still beat him easily. Not many of his
friend's could match him in pure skill. The problem was, they all tended to
try and do tricks by the book. Memorizing the tricks did nothing at all for
you. Sure you'd be able to pull the trick you want off. But the more you
concentrated on what you wanted to do and how, the less tricks you go in.
Julian just did different combos and they worked. Most of his tricks landed
with over fifteen thousand points for him. Shaun was a very good loser--he
didn't even get mad.

After that they watched a movie. Save The Last Dance. It was a good movie.
Julian just loved how well the girl performed towards the end. The
transition from white girl, to white girl trying to be black was cool. That
dance that got her into the school was hot--not all ballet like. It was a
lot better than the start. Shaun looked like he was enjoying it too. When it
was over he got up and tried catching himself dancing. Julian joined in.
They passed the time joking and playing. One move he did was just too funny,
and Julian tripped in mid-move and fell on the floor laughing at him. He
turned this really cute shade of red and stopped. Boy! Julian wished he
could kiss him. Shaun was so cute with his buzz-cut brown hair and those
deep brown eyes. The light lit them up like little brown crystal pools. And
his smile was very contagious.

The time passed quickly and Julian's mom was calling them down to eat.
Julian thoroughly enjoyed the dinner and ate it quickly. His mom praised him
nearly the whole dinner. It wasn't 'that' much now; what he did. She was
making him feel weird keeping on about it and all. Finally dinner was done
and Julian offered to do the dishes. She shooed him out the kitchen and
reprimanded him for even thinking such a thought. It was his time, she said.
He better enjoy this little victory pleasantry. He did.

*****

Practically everyone patted Julian on the back and congratulated him on his
victory. The win was common news among the school now. Everybody practically
knew about it. Girls Julian didn't even know gave him hugs and tried to hang
around him. He didn't let that part happen, but he accepted the hugs. It
seemed like more girls were trying to flirt with him. They were so
superficial. It drew him and repulsed him at the same time. Isn't this what
he wanted--liked? To be popular was everything in school.

Trying to eat lunch was next to impossible. Everyone always got riled up
when one of the jocks from any of the teams, won something. That was the way
of the school. It was like a mindless adoration of the jocks, but that only
happened when they won. Any other time it's just normal popularity at it's
call.

Julian gave up on lunch--nothing good anyway--and just talked. It was hard
to keep under control when there was a lot of people around constantly
reminding you what you did, and talking about it like it was the biggest
thing to hit the world. It was bound to rub off on him again and he was
chatting away with the rest of them. It was with reluctance everyone split
up after lunch for his or her next class.

Even then it wasn't a total dismantling of people he knew. His next class
had some of his friends in it and they were scolded more than once about
talking while the teacher was talking. It was halfhearted, like even the
teachers were proud. They probably were, but that wasn't going to let them
dodge the bullet for long. Julian finally got them to shut up.

After school was the same thing, except the topic wasn't all the other
night's win. Since practically all his friends already talked to him and
said 'something' about it, normal topics of conversation found their way
increasingly into the discussion. Some boys and girls stared at Julian and
his flock of friends leaving the school. There was no practice today for him
so he got to go straight home. Well leave the school when it ended at least.
Julian didn't recognize any of them. They must have not been too popular.
Not with the 'in' crowd anyway. He smiled just the same. Once Julian
stuttered and his conversation cut off when a nonchalant smile elicited a
deep smile from a sandy-blond boy. If it seemed like any normal smile it
wouldn't had bothered him, but his deep smile held some hidden meaning
behind the boy's eyes. Julian found himself intrigued and curious as the
same time.

He didn't get to go straight home. He never did. He was herded to the mall
straight from school. He was glad he left his backpack in school, or he'd be
carrying it all around now. They saw a movie and ate, and to his insistence
that he had to go home when those were through, they made him go to the
arcade. He didn't think his mother would mind. He'd just tell her it was a
little 'friend' celebration. Julian was also startled to realize his
thoughts were drifting to that kid from earlier. He couldn't help but think
the boy was cute. He'd look for him in school tomorrow, if his friends ever
let him alone to do it. They finally conceded to let Julian go home. He
thanked them ever so kindly for allowing him to go and they split up. Shaun
walked home with him.

*****

The next day found Julian looking for that boy. It was hard because someone
Julian knew was always stopping him in the hall to tell him something
tid-bit or another. He didn't get very much chance to look.

It was lunch already and there was no sign of the boy. Julian entertained
the thought that the boy was just his imagination or some secret the school
had, hiding the death of a boy at some point in it's history. That was just
absent daydreaming. Julian noticed he was smiling big to himself--then he
also noticed that the boy was smiling back at him. Julian jumped startled
when he realized someone was standing there. He grabbed his chest and
commented about how a boy shouldn't creep up on someone and scare him like
that. The boy said he was Jeremy.

Julian had no need to tell him his name it seemed. Jeremy already
knew--wonder how that was--and said he saw all of Julian's competitions.
Julain wasn't surprised he never saw him. With all the people that turned
out at them, more than half he hardly got a good look at.

Julian brought Jeremy to sit with him in lunch, introducing him around the
table to the curious glances Jeremy got--and that was mostly needlessly. It
seemed Jeremy seen or knew about a lot of them, without them knowing about
him. The boy in the background that watched while nobody knew. No on found
this strange and everyone was talking incessantly after that.

It was funny. You could take someone that isn't in the 'in' crowd and spends
their school life dreaming of being in it, take someone who is in it, and
have them bring them in, and it was like everyone knew him for life. It was
only a matter of time where the ex-outcrowder didn't even need his patron
incrowder to stick with the crowd. A lot of inners were recruited that way.
That was just a little piece of the student politics.

They all split up after lunch and went on their ways to their own classes.
Jeremy would meet Julian after school.

The rest of the day went by quick and soon the bell was ringing Julian was
zipping out the room. Jeremy met him at his locker. Julian told him he had
practice while sticking his things in the locker, and if Jeremy wanted to
hang out with the gang--some of them--or come over after school, he would
have to wait for him to finish.

Jeremy went out to the field to wait. Soon the track team was filing out the
gym locker room doors in different concentration of numbers. Julian noticed
Jeremy on the bleachers and acknowledged him, and then rigorous training
began. There was warm up, then lots of jogging, and then running, and then
they were doing other track practices. They finished up with a warm-down
jog.

Julian trudged his sweating body into the locker room. He wasn't really
tired. He was used to the abuse the body went through with running. Some of
the other jocks would argue that track wasn't so hard as football or some
other 'physical' sport, but they didn't constantly run and run and use their
body in different strength exercises to improve themselves. Though he wasn't
saying it was so harder, just not as easy as they made it out to be. He
didn't envy the jocks getting run down and roughly crushed to the
ground--well not till one of Julian's more better looking football friend's
did something sexy or a move where Julian wished he were in the place,
nothing too brutal though.

Julian's taste went that way more. He'd rather admire some of the football
players than more of the boys on the track team. The physical power and
abuse they put themselves through was intriguing and somewhat of a turn-on.
Julian wasn't a pain freak; he only had hot muscles football jocks on his
mind. It was only modified football and they weren't nearly as big as some
of the high schoolers Julian saw, but they were cute--some--and they played
on their school's field. Julian couldn't wait till next year when he was
actually in high school.

He finished his shower and met Jeremy outside. They walked up to get this
things from his locker and left. Mostly everyone had things to do after
practice so Julian just invited Jeremy over. He'd show his mom the new
recruit.

Jeremy liked his house and his mom. He was the image of good manners there;
Julian snickered at him. He brought him up to see his room and that's where
they spent most the time. Julian told Jeremy about modified wrestling.
Jeremy was interested. He never seen Julian wrestled. That sparked a
wrestling match where Julian had him easily pinned and was holding him down,
grinning and telling him how he accomplished that. Then Julian found himself
staring intently in Jeremy's eyes. They were a pale blue. They smiled up at
him and he felt his heart flutter.

Julian caught himself and got up. There was a moment of silence and Jeremy
smiled. Julian's mom called them down for dinner. Of course the question of
if Jeremy could stay or not never occurred to her. Of course she didn't
mind; she fed practically everyone that came through her house like a mother
hen fretting over her chicks. All Julian's friends loved his mother and her
cooking. No one was home at Jeremy's house and it was all right for him to
eat here. Otherwise he'd just be eating something ordered out.

Julian's mom had her usual million questions to anyone new in her walls, and
Julian found it interesting since most of it he didn't know himself. After a
great dinner, and Julian's mom kicking him out the kitchen at the suggestion
of doing dished, Julian left smiling. They played some playstation and then
Jeremy left.

*****

It had been months since first meeting Jeremy. Time seemed to pass by too
fast. He was among the popular crowd now--that he started talking with more
people. It was amazing how hard it was to be "in" among these people, unless
you were from the beginning. Well unless you became jock and started hanging
tight with the other jocks.

Julian looked up into the dark gloomy sky. The cold air was crisp as it
touched his face, flying off to touch the ends of the world. It would
probably snow tonight. That was gloomy since it was still only late fall. He
was among the elite of the school, he had a great season in track, and now
wrestling was here and he was doing well. So far he was undefeated. Although
he should have been happy, he wasn't.

It was getting increasingly depressing watching all the boys get
girlfriends, gloating about what she'd let him do, and just being happy. Of
course they asked him why he didn't have a girlfriend and he was able to
talk his way out of it with some excuse or another--they never questioned
him. The only male friend who didn't have a girlfriend was Jeremy. It wasn't
as if either boy were lacking for girls who were interested. But Julian was
gay, and Jeremy... well... he just was whatever. He wasn't gay though.

Julian wished he could have a boyfriend. It was a comforting thought to
have, someone to be with. He had turned fourteen already, he wasn't so
childish anymore to think that kind of thing undesirable.

It was another bitter thought that even if he did have a boyfriend, he
wouldn't be able to be with him around people. He would be able to tell
about all the stuff they did. How good his boyfriend was. It wasn't fair.

Tiny crystals of snow started falling lazily from the sky. A soft flake
touching his nose brought him back into the world again. He looked around.
The snow drifted lightly, being carried as the mercy of the wind. He became
aware of how cold it was out. The house warmth sounded inviting.

He ran up the steps into the house. The heat from the living room wrapped
around him like an invisible blanket. Julian felt the chill drain from his
tired body. His mother was cooking dinner; he just passed by the kitchen and
up to his room.

It was people like him that were cursed. They were meant not to be happy for
the sin they committed. Well that's what the church would say, but he didn't
buy into that. To him, the church was just a way for some power hungry men
from way back then, to have power over people. It was quite brilliant too.
Can have more power than the monarch himself if they said the creator said
whatever. Julian wasn't religious just because they condemned gays to hell
for being what they had no choice but to be.

Julian laid on his bed an turned the radio on. He laid back and listened to
the beat while daydreaming. He went through a fantasy world where Jeremy was
gay and was his boyfriend. He thought out in vivid detail some things they
would do. He almost felt guilty for thinking about Jeremy like that, but god
he was special.

Maybe it was the gloom outside. Or maybe it was the soothing warmth of the
room. Whatever it was, it made Julian fall asleep and dream. Jeremy was in
it. And then a little more of Jeremy. And--oh--what a dirty subconscious
mind he had. Julian was aware of his dream and just let it flow. Then a
large noise woke him up.

Julian sat straight up in bed and looking around like a startled deer. His
eyes came to rest on Jeremy standing in the bedroom doorway. He walked over
and plopped himself on the bed next to Julian.

"What're doing sleeping?" He leaned back onto the bed and--did I imagine
that! Did he just inhale my scent? It was a light intake of breath. It had
to just be his imagination. Jeremy turned her head towards Julian and just
looked. After a moment he got uncomfortable.

"What?" Julian questioned. "Why are you just staring?"

Jeremy smiled. "You're eyes nice." He said simply. Julian felt his flash
flush. Jeremy liked that and his smile grew. "Anyone ever tell you are cute
as hell when you blush?" He laughed as the red turned a deeper scarlet.

"You're gay." It was more of a statement than question. Julian was
flustered. Jeremy smiled and just rolled over, draping part of his
body--which was really great; he filled out a lot since joining
wrestling--across Julian. His eyes caught Julian and then he bent to kiss
Julian. Just as his lips was about to touch Julian's, the door burst open.

"Hey, Juli--shit!" Jeremy's head snapped up and he pulled himself off
Julian, trying to make it like it never happened. Of course it was a little
too late. Shaun's face was unreadable. Then Julian watched Shaun's hands
clench into fist. "You dirty fag. What the hell you thinking making a pass
at my friend." Jeremy had jumped to the floor and was holding his hands out
in front of him, shaking his head that it wasn't like that. Shaun was across
the floor in two strides and he punched Jeremy in the mouth. Shaun was the
best and strongest wrestler on the team; to be hit by him had to hurt.
Jeremy looked up holding his nose. Tears was streaming down his cheeks, and
blood was leaking between clenched fingers.

Julian jumped up and ran between them. "Shaun! Stop! He's a friend for
Christ sake, what's wrong with you?" Shaun's face registered shock.

"What? You're siding with him? It's all ri--you're a fag too? God, Julian."
His fists open up and he sigh exasperated. "I can't believe he turned my
best friend gay." He glared knives at Jeremy. "I'm not mad at you, I'm just
disappointed that you let it happen." With that he walked out the door.
Julian stood there stunned until the bang of the door downstairs brought him
back to what was happening. Jeremy stood up. He looked at Julian, the
previous mirth a distant memory.

"I'm sorry Julian. I-I didn't mean for that to happen. I should've never
have tried that." He pulled his hand away from his nose. "God it hurts? I
never thought anything like this would happen when I first met you. I'll be
less than a nobody at school now."

Julian didn't know what to say to that. "Come on, Jeremy. Let's get you
cleaned up." Jeremy glanced at Julian fleetingly. There was a hint of
thankfulness in his eyes that Julian didn't turn on him when Shaun did.

Julian flicked on the bathroom light and instructed Jeremy to have a seat on
the toilet. When he wet a washcloth though Jeremy tried to take it from him
to clean himself. Julian smacked his hand away with an annoyed gesture. He
began to carefully wipe Jeremy's face. Julian's eyes softened when Jeremy
winced. Tears welled up in Jeremy's eyes, threatening to burst.

"I-Is what Shaun said true? Are you gay." Jeremy's voice was just a whisper.

"Yea--but it's not because of you." Julian's voice was a little too
forceful. He was still angry with Shaun. He was supposed to be his best
friend. "I knew that I am gay for a while now--long before I met you in any
case."

Jeremy didn't say anything. He just sat there quietly to himself. Julian
almost wished he would say something--anything. Julian was finished cleaning
his face.

"It's done." He stated. "There is no bruising." Jeremy heard the unspoken
part, 'surprisingly'. Jeremy still didn't say anything, whenever Julian
tried to meet his eyes, he would turn away.

"Dammit, Jeremy! Don't do that! I like you, and I'm sorry you got hurt. I
wanted you to kiss me just as much as you wanted to do it." Jeremy looked at
him quickly, but turned away again. Julian had enough. He grabbed Jeremy and
turned his face to him, fighting Jeremy's protest. His lips met Jeremy's
softly. Then he turned his face a little for their lips to meet more firmly.
Jeremy let out a last moan of protest that turned into something else
entirely. God, his lips were so soft.

Julian broke the kiss and looked at Jeremy. Pale blue eyes stared at his
own, trying to read Julian.

"I don't want anything to happen to you because of me. Maybe... I should--"

"God!" Julian snapped. Jeremy recoiled from Julian's outburst. "Jeremy. I'm
fourteen--the same as you--and you are sitting here trying to protect me.
I'm not fragile glass that will break under pressure. And I'm not the kind
that will sit back and let someone he likes try taking everything onto his
shoulders alone. What happened happened. We can't change that. But if you
think I'm going to sit here and listen to you say what you know you wanted
as much as me was wrong in any way, you don't know me very well after these
past months. Now stop playing the hero and protector. Whatever happens, it
us together. Besides, Shaun would never do anything to hurt me."

Jeremy looked as if he wanted to smile and cry at the same time. He finally
chose smile and Julian pulled him in and their lips met again. Without any
prompting, Jeremy's tongue touched Julian's lips and he parted them. Jeremy
pushed Julian back on the bed and kissed him as if Julian was his life's
essence that couldn't be parted with.

Julian never imagined how good someone else's tongue could feel in his
mouth. Shivers of pleasure went through him, making his head buzz with a
blissful feeling. It wasn't really Jeremy's tongue that was giving him the
feeling--though that had more than a little to do with it--it was the fact
that he was kissing a boy at all, let alone someone like Jeremy. It was the
fact that Julian was kissing his next best friend, under Shaun, and he
wouldn't have it any other way.

They finally broke and Jeremy was grinning at Julian, pale-blue eyes
mirroring the feeling. "Did anyone ever tell you are a great kisser?" Jeremy
asked. He was absently tracing Julian's lower lip with his finger. Ever so
lightly touching him--it tickled.

"Just how many people have you done it with to know--not counting girls."

Jeremy's eyes twinkled at Julian. He always knew when Jeremy was in a good
mood, just from how his eyes sparkled. He didn't think he ever saw Jeremy in
anything less than enjoyable mood.

"Just one--you. And no girls. Not really kissing anyway; no tongue." His
smile grew. "But I don't care anyway. I'm glad it was you who I did it with
first."

Jeremy leaned down and kissed just Julian's lower lip. You know how erotic
that is? It's like what you see in the movies and dream you have. Jeremy had
it perfect. He must be a natural kisser.

*****

Julian grabbed a cereal bar on his way out, yelling to his mom he would see
her later. He hopped on his bike and whizzed out the yard. It didn't take
long to get to school from where he lived.

Jeremy was waiting outside, an unheard of frown on his face. He pulled
Julian aside where they couldn't be seen easily. He looked around then
sighed. From the look on his face, it had to be serious.

"Julian, they know?" Jeremy whispered. Though he sounded calm, Julian knew
there was fear there though.

"What do you mean?" It was obvious enough, but Julian didn't want to
believe. Shaun wouldn't have told, would he? Obviously he did if everyone
knew.

"At least three people called me 'fag' since I've been here. Four times that
many stare and giggle or worse. Shaun had to have told them."

"I can't believe it. I can't believe he would do that to me." Julian
stopped. "To 'us'."

"Well it was clear he had no love for me after yesterday. The bloody face
clued me into that. But I heard your name mentioned with mine. It's not just
me." Jeremy looked around worriedly as if someone would jump out and attack
them any second.

*****

"Fag! What're you looking at? Lusting after my cock no doubt." A boy
sneered. "Well you'll never have this." He palmed his dick and shook it for
emphasis. Julian somehow hoped that it wasn't as bad as Jeremy said, but
after this there was no doubt. He got away quickly.

Julian wondered how Jeremy was holding out. What would people be saying to
him? The same thing no doubt. Julian's anger flared. What a school. One
minute you are so popular and people think you're great, and in the next
they stomp on you as if you were the lowest scum in the school.

Class was a little different. Mr. Connors tolerated no discrimination or
hostility in his class. No one could openly say what they wanted, but they
didn't stop thinking it, and the staring and giggling was almost as bad.
Some looked with open disgust. Julian just bore with it. It only got worse.

Julian sought Shaun out during lunch. He was sitting in their normal spot
eating and chatting with everybody. Everyone stopped talking and looked up
when Julian approached.

"Hey, Jules." Shaun said.

"Can I--" Julian was cut off.

"You can't sit here Julian. We don't want our space tainted by queers."

"Hey! That's uncalled for. Julian isn't a fag. Just that bastard Jeremy."
Shaun voice cracked like a whip.

"Well, anyway, Julian is hanging tight with him. What are we supposed to
think? Why else would a boy hang with a fag unless he is queer too?" That
was Don.

"Listen to you guys. We've known Julian practically all our lives; most of
us, and you sit here and accuse him of being a fag. Don't you think you
would've noticed sooner if he was?" Shaun trying to defend him was
admirable, but the fact was, Julian was gay. And what he said about Jeremy
had him seething. He couldn't believe the sudden hostility. No one seemed to
care if he got in a word edgewise.

"So Julian, you gay or not?" Don asked. That was the first time any of them
used a less insulting term for it.

"I can't fucking believe you bastards. So quick to turn on me and you didn't
even ask me if I'm gay--"

"We're asking you now," Don cut in. Julian went on as if there weren't any
interruptions.

"--And you sit here and condemn me. You guys are so shit-faced. If I have to
prove myself to you, go to hell. I'm not hanging with a bunch of bastards
that hate on people so much. You're a bunch of discriminating homophobes.
I'm leaving." Julian stalked off to Shaun yelling for him to wait. He didn't
listen though. Julian couldn't believe he was ever a part of that group.

He stalked into the hall and met Jeremy. His face was grim and those blue
eyes of his were dead. They held no emotion, not even sadness or fear.

"Julian--I'm sorry." Jeremy said, falling in step with Julian. They left the
school and went outside before Julian said anything.

"Don't be, Jere. I told you there was nothing we could do. Shaun blamed it
all on you. The others made me guilty by association. Though they were
willing to accept me if I said I wasn't gay. If I blamed it all on you. I
wouldn't do that. Not for all the popularity in the world. Friends aren't
like that. I thought more of Shaun. Though he defended me till I left, he
blamed it all on you. I didn't know he could be so... such an idiot. Come
on, I'm going home."

"No on is home at my house. We can chill there." Julian nodded and they went
to get their bikes. They rode to Jeremy's in silence.

*****

Julian rode home by himself after it was a good enough hour to be out of
school. He was lost in thoughts about the day's events. He didn't know he
could be so sickened by people's actions.

He didn't notice Don crossing the street. He didn't notice him until Don
stepped in front of the slow moving bike and grabbed the handlebars,
stopping Julian.

"Well, I guess I guess I know the answer to what I asked you earlier. Who
would've thought the track star was a filthy fag. God my stomach turns
thinking about how I was naked in front of you in the locker room--how any
of us were. To know your disgusting eyes were slowly scanning our bodies.
All the diabolical graphic thought floating through that pretty little queer
head of yours."

"Oh wow, you have a passing knowledge of higher vocabulary. Gee, whiz, if
you had any real brains in that 'pretty' little head of yours, you wouldn't
be using them while trying to rib on me. That's real tacky ya know. And this
'pretty little head' of mine. Are we sure you're not the fag here. The way
you were just looking at me, that look of longing, it makes you wonder.
Aww... are you jealous of what Jeremy has that you can't." Don laughed.

"Queer to the core you are. Don't get your hopes up though; I'm not a
cocksucking faggot. But thanks for telling me the truth. Now that you said
it with your own mouth, I wonder what your best friend Shaun will think. Oh,
I guess you have a new best friend... with privileges. Where is that little
slut of yours--Jeremy?"

Julian balled his fist and swung as hard as he could. A sick squishing sound
turned his stomach. Don grabbed his nose, seeing there was blood flowing, he
jumped on Jeremy. Don was a basketball player and had nothing on Julian.
Julian used Don's momentum to reverse Don and slam him on the ground. Don
got in one punch before Julian started taking all his anger out on Don. Don
never was too pretty, but he would be less so for a while.

Julian left Don panting on the ground. He touched his split lip gingerly as
not to hurt it. Well that wasn't too bad. He grabbed his bike and kicked Don
for good measures and rode off.

"This isn't over, fag!" Don shouted to Julian back.

*****

"What happened, Julian?" Jeremy touched Julian's lip lightly. It had a dark
spilt where the blood dried. Julian felt himself get angry. He hadn't seen
Jeremy's smile in a while. His eyes didn't hold that beautiful glow as
before. Julian didn't know all of what happened to Jeremy. He wasn't always
around. It had to be just as bad if not worse, for being newer.

"Don. He got a hit in before I made him wish the ground would open up and
take him in. He didn't look too good the last time I saw him. All bloody
gore you know." Jeremy frowned. "He said a lot of stuff! I didn't mind him
calling me all those names, it didn't hurt me none. But then he started on
you. I saw red. Sue me for it." Jeremy shook his head and they began
walking.

"How much worse is it going to get before it ends--if it ends?" It wasn't a
question. Jeremy sighed.

Gym took Julian's mind away from think for a while. Though not as thoroughly
as he would like. The boys were being extremely rough with him, which he
didn't care too much about; it was just a reason for him to take some heat
out on them.

It was a group of sore boys that sought the locker room after gym. If they
thought Julian would be an easy target, they found out differently. They
hadn't thought on getting the same rough treatment. Even then, though, the
sore, stiffness of his body was somewhat of a relief. Concentrating on the
pain cut his mind off from other thoughts.

He grabbed his combination lock and started to put in the first number, when
next thing he knew, someone had his shirt and tore him away from the locker.
He gagged and tried to stop his collar from strangling him. Then he was up
against the lockers opposite of his.

"You just had to look for trouble, huh queer? Well you got it now." Julian
didn't know these guys, but he saw Don walk up. Without the blood on him he
didn't look too bad off. Just a double split lip, a bruised nose and a black
eye. He smiled sadistically at Julian.

Two boys had Julian's arms and the rest took turns beating on him. They had
stuffed a dirty sock into his mouth to stop him from yelling out. Julian
lost count of the kicks and punches his body took. After some time Julian's
mind drifted. He was well aware of the pain, but it seemed to be happening
to someone else. Even then it went on seemingly for an eternity. Then Don
charged his shoulder into Julian's stomach. They let him go just as he
connected. Julian's body went doubled and he fell to the floor, to weak to
hold himself up.

They left him and he dragged himself into the bathroom and vomited. Fear
sliced through him as he saw bright red mixed with it. Those weren't Junior
High kids that did that. Somehow High School boys got in there and did it.
Don probably let them in.

With failing strength Julian pulled himself up using the wall. He slid along
it hoping he would reach the teacher's office before he collapsed. His body
rebelled, and he had to stop and rest as blinding pain flashed through his
head. He fought off the black that was threatening to overwhelm him. Just a
little more. He fell into the office, and the last sound he heard were gasps
of shock from the teachers.


Julian felt himself moving and opened his eyes--well his left one that
wasn't bruised closed. He was outside the school being wheeled to an
ambulanced. Jeremy was trying to get to him; his face was gaunt and as pale
as a ghost. There were crowds of people watching in shocked disbelief. Some
had their hand over their mouths, shaking their head sadly. No one would let
Jeremy near him. He reached out weakly to Jeremy as they loaded him on the
ambulance. Then the darkness came again.


He came to again as he was being wheeled to a room. They were talking
surgery and his mom was right beside him running down the hall with the
stretcher. They made her stop at the doors. The next time he went out, he
didn't even remember it. He woke again in a room.

His mom smiled weakly at him. And patted his hand gently. Julian felt kind
of heady. He was floating.

"They say you'll be all right now. They have your drugged up so you probably
feel giddy right now. They didn't have to do surgery on you. Just extensive
testing to make sure you were all right. The police checked the locker room
over. They saw the toilet. The doctors say the blood was from your face, it
mixed with it." She was being strong, but when he turned his eyes to her she
lost it. "How could something like this happen to my baby. What is wrong
with people in this world." She cried into her hands. Her body shook
violently with every sob. Julian wanted to reach out to her, but he was too
weak. He cursed his condition as the darkness took him again.


When he claimed consciousness again it was dark out. He look around the dark
room and fear ripped through him. He couldn't see anything and his mind was
telling him there was someone in the dark--to get him? He thrashed weakly on
the bed and moaned. Then a shadow moved in the dark and grabbed his arm. His
thrashing became more wild. "No." He tried to pull himself free.

"Julian, stop, it's me--Jeremy." At the sound of his voice Julian stopped.
Jeremy stood and turned a light no above his head. Jeremy had more color to
him, but his eyes were nearly dead. The only thing that showed was fear and
pain for Julian.

"Oh god, Jere. I want to die," Julian said, voice so low Jeremy had to lean
in closer. At that his eyes widened with shock.

"Don't say that, Julian."

"My body is rebelling against me. No matter how I try, the pain won't
lessen. I suppose I deserve this for being the tough guy the other day."

"It's not your fault. It sickens me to no end that we have people like that
in our school." Jeremy shook his head emphasizing that.

"They were from high school. The only one from our school was Don. I don't
know who everyone else was. Just that they were big--really big--and strong.
I couldn't even get free. I was helpless."

"From high school! Shit! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Julian." Tears
claimed Jeremy's cheeks and spread across them like salty rivulets.

"How could you? It wasn't your gym period. I should have paid more
attention. He told me it wasn't over."

"Hold on a minute. I'll be right back." Jeremy leaned over and lightly
kissed Julian. Then he ran out the door.


He was gone for a while before he came back. Julian had drifted into a
fitful sleep. He woke immediately to the sound of people entering the room.

Julian's mother and father, Jeremy and his mother, and a police officer
entered. His mom pushed ahead of the cop and made sure Julian was all right,
before turning to the officer and giving him a warning glare, as if to say
'be gentle'.

He answered the questions as best he could--which wasn't really that
good--and the officer jotted it down on a little notepad. That went on for a
little while, until Julian yawned and his mother cut the officer off,
telling him that was enough for now, he needed his sleep. The officer was
about to protest, but one look from Julian's mom and he backed down
immediately. A nurse came in to give him a shot. She was short and breath
taking. She gave Julian a friendly smile and told him what she was doing. If
Julian wasn't gay, he would be drooling over her. After that everyone said
their byes and had to go. Julian drifted off to sleep again.

*****

Julian was sitting up in his bed. It had been four days since the incident.
He was feeling better. They wanted to be sure he was up to par before they
let him go. He smiled and told his nurse--the same lady--about last night.

She loved hearing about Jeremy and him and she smiled at the story. Jeremy
stayed till late last night. Julian's face was healed enough he could kiss
again, only the more serious bruises still showed. He brought Julian flowers
and candy. There was a care in the flowers. Jamie laughed as she read it.
Julian never called her by her last name--is that how it was supposed to be
anyway? He just called her Jamie.

Jeremy had skipped the last four days of school to visit Julian. That smile
was in his eyes again and rubbed off on Julian rather quickly. That near
infinite light in his eyes. He was the only one Julian knew had a love for
life like that even despite what has been happening. Jeremy shared this all
with Julian everyday, telling him all that would be different when he got
out. Jeremy's dreams were big, and as beautiful as the boy who dreamt them
up.

"I love him, Jamie. He makes me feel so good--and he's sweet as hell. I'm
glad to see the smile back on his face, and in his eyes. He has the most
beautiful eyes I've ever seen." She smiled. He'd told her all about him and
Jeremy and being gay. He also told her the bad which followed up till
neither had been in school. Only the fact of being in the hospital was a
reminder that everything wasn't that good.

"He is a sweet boy. I need a man like that. Maybe I'll steal him away from
you," she joked. "I hope you guys are together for a long time." She smiled.

*****

Julian was walking down the hall with a drink in hand, exercising his legs
when his mother showed up. There was concern in her eyes; different from the
smile she had of Julian's fast recovery. Julian frowned and questioned her.

"Is Jeremy here with you? Did he stay the night?" She asked.

"No..." His heart sank.

"Julian, Jeremy didn't come home last night. He hasn't been seen at all
today either. No one knows where he is. We hoped he might be here with you."
The cup fell out his hand and splattered across the floor. Suddenly Julian's
legs were rubber, no longer able to support him. His mom caught him before
he hit the floor, and Jamie came running up to see what was wrong.

"Oh no." Jamie said. The look of sympathy in her eyes broke Julian. Tears
flowed helplessly from his eyes. He was brought to his room and he sat on
the bed. What happened to Jeremy? Oh god, where is he?"

*****

Julian was out the next day. They said he was good enough to go. Julian
harassed the police about what they were doing to find him. They weren't
doing much. They figured him a run away and said they would put out a
missing person alert.

At school Julian cornered Don. Forgetting--rather not caring--happened
before, Julian threw him up against a locker.

"What did you do you bastard? Where is Jeremy?" Don shook his head
vigorously.

"I don't know, Julian. I swear I don't. I haven't seen him since..." He
trailed off. Since Julian was put into the hospital was what was unsaid.
Julian left the school, having no reason to stay.

He went to the police again and told him the story about what happened. They
got more serious and put more effort into the look. Julian didn't want to
think of Jeremy being dead. It wasn't possible. It just couldn't be.

*****

Three days later Julian got a message that shook him to the core and doused
the fire of life inside him. Jeremy was found dead hanging from a tree in
the woods on the other side of town. A man and his dog out for a hike found
him and reported him.

Julian crumbled up and died. The walls to his room seemed too little and he
lashed out at anything in sight. The only little bit of happiness he found
and it was taken from him like that. The funeral was scheduled for three
days from now. The wake was the day before.

He forced himself to go to both. He didn't want to remember Jeremy like
this. He wanted to remember him in his glory. The sweet boy from before, but
he had to say bye. He prepared a speech for the funeral. Steeling himself,
he stepped up to the podium. A with glance at his first love he read.

"Jeremy R. Wilson. That is the name of a boy. A beautiful boy. A beautiful
fourteen-year-old boy who was taken from the world and those that loved him
by someone that was cruel and hated life. Someone that feared Jeremy and
what he was.

I remember the day perfectly. It seemed like an eternity ago I met him. It
was just after my victory against H.V.C. He was there smiling outside of
school. By himself. His smile was radiant. Brighter than a universe full of
suns. The pure joy and happiness in him shone like a beacon. I found my
victory less important to what was in him.

I walked away then. The next time I saw him I didn't walk away. In fact I
looked everywhere for him and despaired when I couldn't find him. Then out
of nowhere he appeared in front of me. He was like a sandy blond, blue-eyed
angel.

I remember him clearly. His eyes shown with a pure joy for life that
surpassed anything. There was never a time I saw him down. He was never
without a smile and his friendship and caring were without bounds.

He was in my group fast. Who wouldn't like a boy that could make you laugh
so easily. Who's simple joy for life was so contagious, one look brought a
smile to your lips.

Your strength and energy showed the same boundlessness. Your first time
wrestling and you were undefeated. You caught on to things as easily as you
smiled. What you wanted out of life became what we all wanted out of life.
Your courage gave us strength, your strength, resolve. I knew no bounds when
I was with you.

As time passed I grew closer to you. I depended on you. I wouldn't trade the
fun we had for anything in the world. I loved you and nothing could change
that. It was soon apparent that my love went beyond anything I imagined.
Then you kissed me.

That was my first kiss. I would have found no one better to share it with.
That was the first time I ever saw you uncertain. Uncertain that that
boundless love you had could be wrong. Uncertain that your charms would be
anything less than your charm for life.

But someone did think it wrong. And for that we were hounded. People who I
thought were my friends were our greatest enemy. How could they condemn a
love so pure and honest as ours. How could they think we were anything less
than human.

You came to the hospital and gave me strength to heal quickly. Whose body
wouldn't when they had someone like you waiting for them. You gave me
flowers and candy to get well faster. You giggled and told me how much you
loved me and everything would be all right. That last moment with you will
be burned is my soul for eternity. I am branded by your love. And I hope
wherever you are now, you know how much you mean to me and how much I love
you. I give you flowers now and a kiss that says I'll find you someday. And
when I do, we'll never be apart again." Julian bent down and put the flowers
in the coffin and lightly kissed Jeremy. He gasped in surprise. Jeremy's
face was more alive than any person could make him look. His body was so
warm and soft he felt alive. Tears flowed at the last gift to him. He stood
up.

"You will live on forever in all of our hearts. In death your soul will know
no limits, just as in life, your love had no end. I will always love you
Jeremy. I hope you found happiness with me in your life and that you died
with no regrets. I regret nothing of our time together. I only wish it were
longer."

Julian stepped down from the podium. There was no one in the room who wasn't
crying. No one seemed to mind that they both were gay. Julian's mom couldn't
make it to the funeral itself, her and dad went out of town. They didn't
want to, they just had to.

It was the hardest thing, watching them put him into the ground. He said his
last goodbye and left with everyone else. He went to the reception but
didn't eat anything. People tried to comfort him, but nothing short of
Jeremy in his arms would ever do that again. While it was his first love and
he knew life must go on. It was hard to accept and do it. Would he ever get
over Jeremy?

*****


"After that my strength was gone. People called me fag and whatnot. Without
Jeremy there I did fear. I hurt inside every time a name flew. They did bad
things too, I'm not even going to go into them. My one thought through the
whole ordeal. I was happy that Jeremy didn't have to go through it anymore.
Can you imagine? He was better of dead so he didn't go through this torture
everyday. I'm glad I didn't have to see the light slowly burned out his
eyes. I'm glad he found it in happiness before he died. He was in a better
place, I didn't doubt that, somewhere were he would be safe from things like
that forever."

"After that we moved away. No on told mom or dad about the speech from the
funeral. No one knew I was gay except the kids. Somehow that didn't get to
my parents. Dad got a new job offer and jumped at it. They never found the
person who did it. I would kill him given the chance. It was said it was
some sicko that saw Jeremy leaving the hospital. It had nothing to do with
Don and them. I ended up here. That was almost a year ago now. I still feel
him inside me--I always will. He came to me in a dream though, when I first
moved here. He told me that I would have another love in my new home. He
said when the time comes, don't try and run from it. When it does come, I
won't. And he told me told me to be happy. I still miss him though. I wish
for what could have been. That's my story." Julian had tears rolling down
his eyes. He wasn't surprised to see that Terrin did too.

Terrin hugged Julian and rocked him back and forth. How could a boy go
through so much in as short a life as his? That was sick. Terrin felt sick
at that moment to be part of the human race. People who could have such
cruelty.

He held onto Julian long after the tears stopped. When he finally looked,
Julian was sleeping again. Memories, so painful. They can sap the energy
right out of you just telling them. Terrin vowed it wouldn't be like that
here. He wouldn't tell anyone about Julian.


Well there ends part 3b: Memories. I hope you liked it. It was a long time
in coming I know, but I never counted on the problems of school and then
internet connection stopping me up like that. I hope it gets fixed soon. As
usual, Questions? Comments? Suggestions and constructive criticism can be
sent to davenseer@hotmail.com  By now a lot of you like me, do I need to
even ask you to keep reading? Stay put for the next part--which will
hopefully be posted a lot quicker than this was. When secrets are told and
there is no more left to hide, will life go on? Terrin's protective instinct
is at it's peak now that his best friend has told him everything, this and
more in Strength Because Of You part 4 : I am your shield , told from
Terrin's POV. Thanks all.