Date: Mon, 03 Apr 2000 22:59:04 GMT
From: Jeremy Smith <ghost397@hotmail.com>
Subject: surfacing-angel-3

This is a work of total fiction. The characters portrayed here come only
from my mind (and whatever lies beyond). This work contains (or will)
sexually explicit passages between minors of same and differing sex. If that
isn't for you, if this material is considered illegal in your place of
residence, or if you are under that arbitrary age people seem to think is
when we are ready to be exposed to sexuality, you are to turn back now or
delete this file if you've managed to get it on your hard drive (and in the
future you really ought to be more careful what you download!).

That was the standard disclaimer. The rest of this is anything but. The sex
(at least the erotic kind) will come later than these first two parts. If
you're looking for a quick fix, look elsewhere and come back when you're not
so... focused. ;) This story is about love, friendship, acceptance, and the
struggle for identity. It deals with extremely difficult topics, such as
suicide and rape. I can only hope that it is at least fractionally as
hard/emotional for you to read as it was for me to write, because that means
I have succeeded as a writer. You have been warned.


- To all of those who fought the battle and won, and for those of us who
won't make it.


Part 3 - Ascension

	Jenny and I ate lunch by ourselves that afternoon.  We hadn't had a chance
to talk since seeing each other in the hospital, and she wanted to know what
was going on with Josh and how he was doing.  I told her the general story
of what had happened while we ate, and then we found a quiet corner that I
could give her details in without being overheard.  News of my little
episode with Tommy had spread quickly.  I had already noticed an increased
amount of stares and conversations that suddenly dropped off when I
appeared.  I guess it was to be expected; after all I had challenged the
norm.  Indiana is not exactly known for its liberal views.
	"So he is gay," Jenny said once we were alone.  After this morning I could
hardly deny it, even if Josh had told me not to tell anyone.  Good thing he
didn't, since there's no way Jenny would have let it ride.
	"He seems pretty sure about it," I replied.  "You're okay with that, aren't
you?"
	"I don't care if he is or not.  Well, I do, but not because gay is an
issue."
	"Yeah, I'm sorry about that.  I know you were really interested in him."
	"And you had to go and steal him from me," she joked.  I didn't laugh.
"Oh, sorry.  He really does have a crush on you, doesn't he?"
	"Yeah.  And I have no idea what to do."
	"Well, do you like him?"  Sometimes it just really amazes me the way
certain things that make everyone else blush or cringe don't even faze
Jenny.  "Obviously you don't have a problem that he's gay if what I heard
about this morning was right.  Which I think was really sweet of you by the
way."  Jenny grabbed my arm and pulled me towards her, giving me a quick
peck on the cheek.  I smiled a little.
	"Maybe, but I just don't think being gay is reason enough to treat someone
like that.  No more than being a different skin color or something.  I get
so sick and tired of people judging everyone else, like they have any right
to.  And in this case there is a little more to it than that."
	"Meaning he... jumped for more than just being gay and what Tommy said?"
	"Oh, Tom triggered it alright, but yes there is more to it than that.  I
can't tell you what it is though.  I don't know if Josh would want me to."
Jenny looked a little hurt.  "I mean I'm sure he wouldn't mind, but I don't
feel right telling you without him knowing first."
	"I understand.  You still haven't answered me as to whether you like Josh
or not though."  I sighed and thought for a moment about how to answer.
	"I'm not sure.  I like him, yes.  I just don't know if I feel like *that*
about him.  Sure, we've talked about that kind of thing before, but not
really seriously."  Jenny interrupted me.
	"We may not have been having a serious conversation like we are right now,
but I meant what I said.  I'd be willing to do things with another girl, and
I actually kind of want to."
	"Yeah, but 'doing things' and being in love with are two totally different
things."
	"You love me don't you?  And we've 'done things' together," she said,
grinning.
	"Yes I love you, but it's not the same between us.  You and I know *how* we
love each other.  We both know we're not going to get married or whatever.
I'm just not sure if Josh thinks of it like that or not, and I don't want to
mislead him or something.  We already talked about how we just didn't feel
like that about each other."
	"No, but that didn't stop us from screwing around.  And I swear if you
refer to it as casual sex I'll slap you so hard they'll hear it in China."
	"I don't think of it as casual sex Jenny.  I wouldn't do those kinds of
things with just anybody.  I really care about you, and I'm really glad we
have the kind of relationship we do."
	"I'll bet you are," she said, smiling.  "Lighten up a little here Terry, I
know this is serious but I've had enough of being scared and worried this
week."
	"It's just different with Josh.  And not just because he's a guy either.
We have an understanding of where our relationship is.  Josh and I don't.
Hell, we practically just met.  But I don't think his crush is just about
the way I look.  I'm pretty sure he's in love with me, or thinks he is
anyway.  Especially now."
	"Especially now?" Jenny prompted.
	"Well, before I was just a guy he thought was hot in class.  He actually
knows me now, at least a little.  We've talked.  Hung out a little.  And
then there's that whole falling in love with your rescuer thing.  It could
just be that, but I know it isn't just about looks anymore."
	"There's something you aren't telling me, isn't there?  Out with it Terry."
	"Well, I said I wasn't sure if I liked him or not.  But I think I might."
I hesitated for a moment before mumbling, "I kissed him."
	"You WHAT!?" Jenny said, incredulous.  "Why didn't you TELL me that?  I
can't believe you left that out.  Ok, from the top, I want to know
everything that happened after I left until you went home last night."
	So I told her.  I told her everything, from how I held Josh while he cried
as he told me why he'd jumped (though I left out the actual why part), how
he'd brought up the mouth to mouth thing and I'd just kissed him.  Of course
she wanted to know more than that, and demanded details like exactly how did
I do it, and what did I think about kissing another guy.  I tried to
describe the difference from kissing her, but I don't think I did a very
good job of it.  I went on to tell her how we'd slept together that night,
and how it just felt... good, I guess.  Jenny brought up the point that it
wasn't always just the victim who fell in love with the rescuer, and I told
her I'd already thought of that.  I finished with a brief account of telling
Josh's parents that it hadn't been an accident.  Then the bell rang for our
next class and we walked to our lockers while finishing up the conversation.
	"You're going over there after practice aren't you?  I want to go with
you," Jenny said.
	"Well, his parents want to meet you a little more personally than they got
to in the hospital, and I'm sure he wants to see you too, but could you wait
until tomorrow?  I think I need to talk to him first," I answered.
	"What, something you don't want to say in front of me?"
	"No, it's not that.  I just need to talk to him about us.  I mean him and
me.  And I don't think he would want to do that in front of someone else,
even you.  At least not right now."
	"Right now?  Are you planning something I should know about?" Jenny asked
me suspiciously.
	"No, I'm not planning anything."  It wasn't really a lie, because I didn't
have any kind of plan, just the beginning of an idea.  "Look, I know you
probably know him better than I do.  I get the impression you're his closest
friend here right now."
	"At least until Monday."
	"Well, granted, but you know what I mean.  Just... I can't explain it, but
please just wait until tomorrow?"
	"Ok Terry, if it's that important to you I will.  Just be sure you tell
Josh that I wanted to come today and you wouldn't let me," she said, poking
me in the chest.  "And that I *will* be there tomorrow."
	"I will, I promise."

	Practice was a solitary affair for me that afternoon.  It wasn't that
everyone was avoiding me, or at least I don't think they were.  I was
actually so caught up in my own thoughts and planning that I didn't notice.
But I was at least focused enough to not screw anything up.  Coach was
rather light on me as well, which didn't hurt matters any.  I was the first
one finished, already dressed and leaving by the time the last of the team
was coming in to shower.  I went by the office to pick up Josh's homework
and then headed to his house.
	His mom answered the door when I got there.  Apparently she had stayed home
from work for an extra day, but she told me she'd be going back the next.  I
asked how Josh was, and she said she thought he was fine.  But then she had
thought he was fine before too.
	"It's not your fault you didn't know.  I don't like telling my parents much
about my life either.  It's a high school thing," I told her.  She smiled.
	"That may be true, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.  He should be up
in his room.  I think he was going to take a nap, but if he did he ought to
get up now anyway."
	I headed up the stairs to Josh's room, taking his homework with me.  The
door was about half way open, and I could see him lying on the bed with his
back to me.  I lightly knocked on the door, and he immediately turned over;
he'd actually been reading, not sleeping.
	"Hey Terry.  I wondered when you'd get here," he said, sitting up.
	"Yeah, well some of us have practice, as opposed to getting to lie around
in shorts all day."
	"Doctor's orders.  Believe me, it's not as fun as it sounds.  I'm already
bored out of my mind.  I don't know if I can take another two days of this.
And the weekend."
	"Well, then you'll be glad I brought your homework for you, just like I
said I would," I replied, holding out a small stack of books.
	"Oh gee, thanks.  That's just what I wanted," he said sarcastically.
	"I knew you would, that's why I hurried over here right after practice."
Josh took the books and tossed them down on his desk next to the computer.
I sat down on the bed as he rifled through his CDs looking for something to
put on.  "So, how are you feeling?" I asked.
	"Not bad I guess.  Head still hurts a little when I first stand up.
Actually I feel kind of stupid now.  I can't believe I did that."
	"You and me both.  Jenny said she'd kill me herself if I tried something
like that again.  She wasn't real thrilled with you either."  There was a
short silence.  Josh was still facing the stereo, his back to me.
	"It's all over the school isn't it?" he finally said.
	"Well, they know you fell into the quarry and I went in after you.  And
that you were in the hospital but are home now and fine.  Nobody except
Jenny knows that you jumped, though I think the thought may have crossed a
few people's minds."
	"What about me being gay?" he asked, turning around.  It was my turn to
look away.
	"If they don't think they know for sure, either they don't care or they at
least suspect.  I didn't hear anyone outright say you were, except Tommy of
course, but he wasn't being loud at the time, just talking to me.  Don't
worry about it though."
	"How can I not worry about it?  I've done this before, remember?  I know
what it's going to be like when I go back there on Monday.  You said it
yourself, if they don't know then they suspect."
	"That's not what I said.  But nothing is going to happen.  As long as you
can deal with some stares now and then, particularly when you get back,
that's all there's going to be."
	"What makes you so sure of that?  I haven't heard of anybody else that is
out around here.  Something tells me it's not going to be overlooked."
	"Well for one you aren't out.  But more importantly, nobody is going to
bother you because I had a little talk with Tommy this morning in the hall.
I told him that even if you were, it wasn't any business of his, and I
turned his little staring obsession around on him.  You're not the only one
who looks at other guys.  And I was... loud enough when I told him to leave
you alone about it that a lot of other people heard too."
	"You did what?  I can't believe this!  Now they're going to know for
sure..."
	"Stop it Josh," I cut him off.  He was panicking, already thinking the
worst.  "I asked you to trust me, and you said you would."
	"But..."
	"No buts.  Either you do or you don't."  He just looked at me for a minute.
	"Ok, but I hope you're right."
	"I am.  Like I said, I can't promise you that no one is going to say
anything, but it won't be anything like Florida.  I did promise you that."
I had no idea what I would do if I were wrong.  It's not like everyone at
school was afraid of me.  I guess I just didn't even consider the
possibility that things could go that way.
	Josh didn't say anything, instead sitting on the bed and laying back to
stare up at the ceiling.  I heard him take a deep breath and let it out,
sort of a sigh but not quite.  I sat back as well, and for a few minutes we
just lay there a couple of feet apart, listening to Black Lab quietly fill
the room.  I'm not sure what was going through Josh's mind.  He was probably
worrying about the kids at school; I was just glad he hadn't gotten too
upset with me.  Or at least I hoped he hadn't.
	"My parents want me to go see a shrink on Friday," Josh finally said.
	"And?" I prompted when he didn't say anything else.
	"I don't know.  I don't want to go.  I'm not crazy."
	"No one said you were.  P-sychiatrists deal with more than just insanity,"
I said, pronouncing the p separate from the rest of the word.
	"What?" Josh asked, looking at me.
	"You know, P-sychiatrists...  Haven't you ever watched the Warner Bros.?"
	"Oh yeah," he said, laughing a little.
	"Seriously though Josh, I'm your friend, and you've got your parents.  But
we're not doctors.  They're trained to deal with different kinds of things.
I mean look at how long they go to school for it."
	"So you think I should go."
	"I think you should at least give it a shot.  It's not like anyone else has
to know about it if that's what you're worried about."
	"Sort of.  But I just... I can't picture telling some total stranger about
things like that."  I noticed he didn't mention anything specific.
	"Well it wouldn't hurt to try would it?  I don't know how they work; maybe
you don't just go in and start talking about those kinds of things right
off.  And they might be able to help you with something I can't.  Or your
parents either."
	"I guess I don't have anything to lose by going.  My parents said I didn't
have to go back if I didn't want to."
	In the end he decided to go but he was still nervous about it.  We talked
about it a little longer, then ended up playing a few games on his computer.
  It was getting dark before I knew it, and I decided it was time to go
home.  Dinner wouldn't be far off.  As if on cue, Josh's mom called up to
say that his was almost ready and asked if I would be staying.  I declined,
because I knew my parents were expecting me.  I gathered up my stuff and
headed for the door.
	"Jenny is going to come by with me tomorrow, if that's okay.  Actually,
she's probably going to anyway.  She told me to tell you that she wanted to
come today, but I wouldn't let her.  Really I just asked her not to because
I thought you might want to talk.  But I'm not going to be able to stop her
tomorrow."
	"That's okay, I want her to come by.  So do my parents," he said, smiling.
	"See you around the same time then.  Later."
	"Later."

	The next day at school I started feeling the rocking from the waves I'd
caused the day before.  For one thing Tommy wouldn't even look at me, let
alone speak to me.  Fine by me.  There were others who apparently felt the
same way.  Tommy I could understand; after all I had basically called him
out in front of everyone.  The others...  Well, some of the people who used
to talk casually to me suddenly found themselves with other places to be
when I showed up or just not a whole lot to say.  Nobody was really rude
about it or anything, I guess they just couldn't deal with someone who
thought homosexuality wasn't a big deal.  Quite frankly, I couldn't
understand why they thought it was, but then I'd gotten to know Josh, and if
he was gay he sure didn't seem any different to me because of it.  I think
they just didn't know anyone personally who was gay, and because of that it
became a 'them' thing.  Fags are fags (all stereotypes accounted for), and
none of us are one of them; they're different, freaks.
	Most people didn't seem to care though.  There was still the hesitancy
thing where some weren't sure what to say to me, if anything, but for the
most part things went right on as normal.  I didn't lose anyone I had
considered a friend before.  If they had a problem I guess they just didn't
talk about it.  Actually, come to think of it, nobody said anything about
Josh being gay at all.  It was all about how he was doing, and how cool it
was of me to jump after him like that, and a bunch of other 'you're kind of
a hero' stuff (which drives me nuts).  Well, no one said anything about him
being gay until practice that is.
	I was a little on edge all day.  My own paranoia about what other people
might be thinking or saying behind my back was getting to me.  As a result,
I wasn't very talkative, and whenever anyone came up to me I was at first
suspicious.  Then I would realize how stupid I was being and get over it.
It's hard to accept that people are going to think whatever they want to
think, and there is nothing you can do about it.  You just have to decide
what you believe in, whether it's important enough to you to stand up for,
and then deal with whatever happens.  However, practice was a little quiet
to me, there were only a few 'hey's' and 'what's up's'.  Normally there's at
least a little conversation between everyone, but hardly anyone was talking.
  Afterwards, when I had showered and was getting dressed, Bo came up behind
me with a couple of others.
	"Hey Terry," he said.  When I looked over my shoulder and saw them standing
there, it made me nervous.
	"Yeah Bo, what's up?" I answered a little shortly, turning back to my
locker.  I didn't really know what to expect, though I had an idea (the
worst of course).
	"Is Josh...  Is he really gay?" he asked.  Yep, there it was.  I froze,
towel in hand halfway inside the locker.  "Because if he is, that's cool
with us," Bo went on in a bit of a rush.  "I mean we don't care.  And we
wouldn't care if you... well, if you were either.  I mean you're part of the
team.  You're our friend and we've known you for a long time."  Whoa what a
relief.  I finished putting my stuff away and stood to face them.
	"No, I'm not gay.  I'm still very much interested in girls, and you know
Jenny can tell you I don't have any problems there."  The relationship and
history between Jenny and I was common knowledge among our friends.  The
guys laughed a little.  But because of the things and feelings Josh had
triggered in me, I couldn't let that ride as the whole truth.  "I'd be lying
if I said I'd never thought about another guy, or even that I don't
sometimes now.  As for Josh...  Well you'd have to ask him.  Just think
about how you'd react if someone asked you that before you do though."  They
knew that was a yes, at least in some form.  If he hadn't been I would have
told them so.
	"Tommy turned into a real prick over the summer.  I think it's cool the way
you took him down yesterday.  And we want you to know we've got your back,"
Bo replied.  "And Josh's," he added after a moment.  A few of the others
nodded in ascent.  It was a huge relief to me, even though I wasn't even
aware I had been worrying about it before.  I hadn't realized I was that
much of a friend to these guys; that they would back someone they didn't
even know just because he was my friend.  Like I said, I wasn't a part of
any one group, and I didn't hang out with many people other than Jenny and a
couple of others outside of school.  I had a feeling that would change
though, because I was becoming a little more the social type.  Apparently
meeting Josh and all that had happened was starting to change me in some
ways.
	"Thanks guys," I said.

	Things headed more and more back to normal after that.  When I left
practice, Jenny and I went over to Josh's, where this time we were forced to
stay for dinner.  Before eating though, we all talked for a while and played
a short game of Monopoly.  Short or not, it still lasted over two hours.
Conversation was all over the place, from growing up around there to Josh's
surfing to a very synoptic version of why Josh had jumped.  Jenny still
hadn't known, and I brought it up as we were talking about where Josh used
to live in Florida.  I quite nervously suggested he tell her, and he managed
to get through it relatively easily I thought.  It wasn't as detailed as
when he told me, but it was still all there and it didn't bring him to tears
though he wouldn't look at either of us as he talked.  Jenny just said she
was sorry and hugged him after he was done, making him promise never to try
something like that again.
	On Saturday Josh managed to convince his parents he didn't need to rest
quite so much, and Jenny, he, and I went to a movie together.  It was a lot
of fun, and none of us gave Monday any thought.  Josh had told me that his
visit with the counselor (his word, which I chose to stick with) wasn't as
bad as he thought it would be, and he was going to go back a couple of times
at least.  He asked if I would go in with him to one session at some point.
He wouldn't tell me why, but I agreed to anyway.  "Just let me know when," I
said.
	I was nervous on Monday morning.  Things were back to normal at school as
far as I was concerned, but I didn't know how it was going to go for Josh.
Turns out I shouldn't have worried.  When I saw him in Chemistry everything
was fine.  People welcomed him back and asked how he was doing.  We talked
with a couple of other people in class about the movie, which they had seen
too.  At lunch, Jenny told me he was back to normal in art as well, though
they'd moved on to a different project he didn't particularly like.  They'd
been talking, and Josh told her that he was getting some stares and there
were a few people avoiding him but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle.
That's when she told him the full story about Tommy and I in the hallway.  I
wished she hadn't.  Later that evening he thanked me for it, but said he
couldn't have me running around protecting him all the time.  That was right
after he said he was okay but tired, and had just felt on edge all day.
	"Well, two things for that.  One, I'm not protecting you; I'm just sticking
up for something I think is right.  Two, you're not exactly out.  Stop
looking at everyone and asking yourself 'do they know' and worrying about
what they think about you.  Otherwise you will drive yourself nuts.
Besides, I don't have to protect you.  You just have to stop doubting
yourself or at least act like you don't care or you're willing to fight if
they want to start something.  You might be gay but that doesn't make you a
wimp.  Most of the time if you stand up to someone they'll back down.  But
if you do get into trouble or something, I'm there if you need me, and so
are at least a few others."
	He wanted to know who, but I wouldn't tell him anything more.  It never
came to anything like a fight though.  There were only two incidents that
week I knew of.  The first was when I heard someone call me a fag lover as I
walked by in the hall.  I started to turn around, but as I did I heard a
thump and the same voice go "Oww!"  A few feet behind me was a kid I didn't
immediately recognize rubbing the back of his head, and standing behind and
glaring at him was Bo.  I smiled and kept going.  The other actually
involved Josh.  During a little bout of name calling, someone of course
called him a faggot.  I don't know if they aimed it specifically at him or
if it was just the insult that happened to come to mind.  Without missing a
beat, Josh called the guy a pansy and told him to fuck off.  It happened in
art I guess; Jenny told me about it.
	Later Josh told me there were other incidents, but he quickly got used to
it and it was nothing like his old school.  For one, he said, he took my
advice and stopped worrying about it and taking every gay related comment
personally.  The ones he knew were directed at him, he ignored or stood up
to.  People still talked to him and he had other friends in his grade.  Not
one of them asked if any of the rumors were true or flat out if he was gay.
Josh was surprised.  Personally, I was shocked.  Despite having promised him
things wouldn't get as bad as they had for him in Florida, I definitely
didn't expect them to go that smoothly.  But as they say, never look a gift
horse in the mouth.

	It was the Friday afternoon of that first week Josh was back.  We were in
his room, lying flat on our backs on the bed, legs over the edge, staring up
at the ceiling while music almost (but not quite) blared out his stereo.  It
had come to be a standard place to find us if we were just talking or trying
to think of something to do.  In this case it was both; we were thinking
what to do for the weekend and discussing how the week had gone.  But there
was something else on my mind as well.  I'd been thinking a lot about Josh
(well duh), specifically the crush he had on me.  We hadn't talked about it
at all since that night in the hospital, but I knew it was still there.  And
I was still trying to figure out just what I thought, felt, and was going to
do about it.  I'd made some headway in my own mind, but I was wondering how
to proceed with Josh.  Then there was this plan I had in mind, and I knew it
could really get me in trouble if I screwed things up.
	"Josh, can I ask you something?" I finally said.
	"What?"
	"How do you know you're gay?"  I could feel him turn his head to look at
me, but I kept staring at the ceiling.  Before he answered, he looked back
up as well.
	"I told you, I'm attracted to guys.  That's about as clear of an indication
as you can get."
	"But you said you thought Jenny was attractive."
	"Well, I do.  She is.  And she's nice and I like her a lot.  But she
doesn't really... interest me.  Like I said, at the quarry I was trying to
focus on her but I kept thinking about you."
	"Maybe that's the problem though.  You were already interested in me.  What
if I weren't in the picture though, would she interest you then?"
	"You're... You're saying you don't like me then..." he said, sounding
scared but trying to hide it.
	"No, that's not it at all," I said quickly.  "I do like you, a lot.  Why
else would I even be here?  I'm just wondering if you really are gay or if
you just think you are.  I mean, if you think Jenny is attractive then you
could be at least bi, right?"
	"I... I guess, but I don't really think so.  I mean I've thought about it
before, but I'm... just not interested in sex with a girl.  Maybe to try it
once or something, but not really.  I don't *not* like them or anything...
I just don't really *like* them either."
	That's when I realized I had blundered into one of my own stereotypes.
Just because a guy is gay doesn't mean he can't find girls attractive.  I
considered myself straight, but I thought some guys were pretty hot looking.
  Ok, bad example, because I wasn't too sure about me anymore.  I knew I
wasn't gay because I was still interested in girls, but suddenly because of
Josh I discovered I had to ask myself the same question; maybe *I* was bi.
But that didn't really change what I was planning.
	"So you would maybe try something with a girl?" I asked.
	"Ok, where are you going with this?" he countered.
	At first I didn't answer.  I leaned over and pulled a sketchbook out of my
backpack, flipping to one particular drawing.  It was Jenny's, the one with
her portrait of Josh in it.  I asked her if I could borrow it but I hadn't
told her why, and I guess she didn't have a clue what I was thinking because
she didn't even wonder.  I handed the book to Josh and looked back up at the
ceiling.
	"What's this?"
	"She really likes you, you know.  Or did.  Does.  Damn, how do I explain
it..."
	"Jenny drew this?"
	"Yes, the day you guys were supposed to sketch some still life I guess in
art class.  She thought you were... cute, from the moment you first arrived.
  And she was trying to let you know it the whole time.  I'm surprised she
didn't kiss you that day at the quarry.  Hell, she might have if Tommy
hadn't done what he did."
	"Well, I could sort of tell she was interested in me, but I didn't know
like that much."
	"Which is why she was rather disappointed when she found out you were gay.
She still likes you and all, but she doesn't think of you like that anymore,
I guess.  Or at least she's not getting all down about it if she does."
	"Alright, but why tell me?  I have a feeling she didn't exactly tell you
to, and I don't see what I can do about it.  If anything it's going to bug
me now because she's a really good friend and I don't want to disappoint her
or whatever."
	"I'm not sure why.  Actually I am, I just don't want to admit it.  And no,
she has no idea I'm telling you any of this.  Part of the reason I offered
to be your partner for that chemistry project was so I could get to know you
and let you know about her.  Push a little maybe, or drop hints.  Obviously
things went a different direction.  But... I know she's still interested in
you at some level even if she's trying not to be or won't admit it.  And I
also know that if you wanted to... see what things were like with a girl...
she'd probably be willing.  I don't mean like..."
	"Terry I know what you mean.  Or I think I do.  But I wouldn't want to use
her or something.  Besides, I've kissed girls before, remember?  Look, if
you've decided you don't like me that way or you're just not gay or
whatever, just tell me.  I won't like it, but I don't want to sit here and
hope for something that's never going to happen."
	"No, it's not that.  Dammit I am really fucking this up and I didn't want
to do that.  Look, I'm not gay.  I can't help that, I'm still attracted to
girls, still interested in them."  Josh looked really disappointed, and I
went on quickly.  "But I really like you a lot.  We've been spending a lot
of time together and I like that too.  And yeah, maybe I'm falling in love
with you.  Maybe I'm bi, because I keep finding myself more and more
attracted to you physically.  I'm just... argh."  I had totally lost
control.  I was thinking out loud almost, saying things I hadn't meant to.
What had seemed like a good idea, trying to get Josh and Jenny together for
at least... something, I'm not sure what.  At any rate, the whole thing was
falling apart and seemed like such a stupid idea now.
	Josh had been silent for a few minutes, thinking I suppose, but he finally
spoke.  "If you really want me to... try something with Jenny...  I will.
But I won't lie to her about it, I'm going to tell her why and if she
doesn't want to I'm not going to even suggest it twice."  Gee, I'd just
accomplished what I was trying for.  So why did I still feel so miserable?
	"I don't want you to do it because I want you to or suggested it.  I only
want you to do it if *you* want to.  And her too.  I don't know why, I can't
explain any of this.  I don't even know why I thought of it.  I guess I just
wanted to see both of you happy."
	"Well what now then?"
	"I don't know.  Maybe we could all go to the mall or something tomorrow?" I
suggested.
	"Sounds fine with me.  But like I said, I'm going to tell her what's going
on and talk to her about it before anything happens," Josh answered.
	"No, I will.  I'll call her when I get home and... Well, I'll think of
something I guess."

	I left shortly after that.  After eating dinner it still took me an hour to
work up the nerve to call Jenny.  Since telling Josh what I had been
thinking I just didn't feel right about it anymore.  But for some reason I
knew I had to do it anyway.  At first I just made plans with her to go to
the mall, and she was up for that and another friend of hers was going to
come.  So I knew I had to let her know everything that was going on.
	"Um, Jenny, you still sort of like Josh, don't you?" I asked, a little out
of the blue.
	"Yeah, of course I do," she said, sounding puzzled.
	"No, I mean like..."
	"Oh," was all she said.  I could just imagine the look on her face. "Well
yeah," she went on after a second, "I still think he's hot of course, but
that doesn't really matter, considering.  He's just going to be my hot
looking guy friend," she said, laughing.
	"Ok, uh, well, would you want to... do some of the things that we've
done... with him?"
	"What things?  Make out with him or something?"
	"Or something I guess..."
	"You're serious aren't you Terry?  Why would he want to..."
	"I can't explain it Jenny," I said, interrupting her.  "I just need to know
if you would.  It's my idea, not his.  But I'm not trying to set you up or
anything."
	"Sure sounds like you are."
	"Yeah I know, and I've already fucked this conversation up with Josh,
so..."
	"He knows about this little idea of yours?"
	"Yeah.  I just told him a little while ago."
	"Do you think he's not really gay or something?"  I hate when she does
that.
	"Get out of my head girl," I said in mock exasperation.  "Maybe that was
part of it and somewhere in my screwed up brain I did, but not really now.
Like I said, I can't really explain it."
	"Then if you don't think... Never mind.  What exactly do you want me to
do?"
	"I don't *want* you to do anything.  I'm not asking you to have sex with
him.  I'm just asking if..."
	"Ok.  Yeah, I wouldn't mind doing some things with him."
	"Mind?"
	"Fine, yes, I would like to.  Or at least I think I would.  It wouldn't
really be much different than you and me I guess."
	"Cool.  Glad to know you still think I'm cute," I said, relaxing.
	"I didn't say that," Jenny said.  It caught me off guard.  "Just kidding.
You'll always be a cutie to me.  And I'd like you even if you weren't.  I
just didn't want you getting too smug with yourself."
	"Oh believe me, I've already wished a hundred times I never even brought
this up with either of you.  But part of me is glad I did.  See you tomorrow
morning?"
	"Yeah.  But when is this supposed to happen?"
	"I said I'm not trying to set you two up.  Just... whenever.  Maybe not at
all.  It's between you and him now."
	"If you had any idea how stupid that sounds," she said, laughing.  "Ok,
fine.  But for scheming so much, you sure don't have much of a plan."
	"Yeah, don't I know it."

	When we all first got together the next morning, everyone was kind of
tense.  There were looks exchanged between Jenny and Josh, Josh and me, and
Jenny and me.  Jenny's friend, who I didn't know very well, appeared not to
notice anything.  Eventually we all seemed to relax and just have fun,
forgetting about the whole thing.  We walked around the mall, did a little
shopping, and just hung out in general.  After we grabbed some lunch around
one or so, we had to leave because Jenny's friend was supposed to be home
early in the afternoon.  After dropping her off, we went back to Josh's.
His parents were apparently out, and we had the house to ourselves.  We
ended up going up to Josh's room to get on the Net.  It wasn't long after we
started surfing around that I suddenly announced there was something I had
to do for my mom.
	"Shit, I forgot to pick up the stuff Mom wanted me to get at the store.
You guys go ahead and stay here.  Give me a call later if she snags me into
doing something else and I don't get back," I said, grabbing my jacket.
Jenny and Josh just looked at each other for a second as I headed out the
door and down the stairs.
	"So much for not setting us up," I heard Jenny say as I got halfway
downstairs.  "REAL SUBTLE TERRY!" she called after me.  I laughed as I
closed the front door.  I really did have to get some things for my mom, it
just wasn't that important.  I saw an opportunity and I took it.

	Alone, I went to the store and took care of the list I had been given, then
went back home.  My mom was there, and after thanking me she made some
comment about how she wished I would clean my room up some time.  "Okay," I
said, and headed upstairs.
	"Well I didn't mean you had to do it now," she called after me, surprised.
	So I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning up my room, which was kind of
bad.  I tried to keep my mind off of what Jenny and Josh might be doing, but
it was rather difficult.  For a moment I even found myself a little jealous.
  Then I realized how stupid that was considering I'd basically set the
whole thing up anyway.  After I finished cleaning I lay down and started
thinking really hard about what I was going to do about Josh and myself.  It
was time to stop putting it off.  I knew he wouldn't end up with Jenny, even
if I wanted to see it that way so they'd both be happy.  Thing is only she
would, because he liked me.  Never mind the whole gay thing.
	As for myself, I still wasn't sure what to do.  I mean, I liked Josh.  A
lot.  And I hadn't been lying when I told him I found myself more and more
attracted to him.  The idea of us together had already been planted in my
mind.  In fact, I'd had more than one dream in the last couple weeks that he
was in.  And a couple of them were a little moist, if you know what I mean.
Obviously I didn't have any problem with two guys together, or with me being
one of the guys.  And I really did think I might be falling in love with
him.  So what was holding me back?
	In the end I couldn't think of a damn thing.  There was no reason what so
ever that I shouldn't get together with Josh.  Unless I was lying to myself.
  Unless I did have a problem with gay and I didn't want to be seen as that.
  But I wasn't, I was still attracted to girls.  And I knew that too, it
wasn't just something I was telling myself or trying to convince myself of.
Ok, so that meant I was bi.  I could accept that.  Jenny and I talked about
it before, even if it wasn't seriously.  But how could I be bi if I was just
with Josh?  I mean it's one thing to call yourself bi if you're with a
member of the opposite sex and just screw around sometimes with the same
sex.  But if I were with the same sex mostly, wouldn't that make me gay
then?  That's what everyone else would see unless I told them otherwise.
Now I was just going in circles and confusing the hell out of myself even
more.
	That's when the phone rang.  It was Josh.  "Hey," he said.  "I take it your
mom did have something else for you to do."
	"Um yeah, I had to clean my room," I answered, a little sheepishly.
	"Well my parents came back and said they were going out with some friends
tonight and wouldn't be back until late.  They told me I could have you stay
overnight and we could order a pizza or something.  How about it?"
	"Uh, ok, hang on a second."  I called down to my mom and asked if she had a
problem with it.  Of course she didn't.  I glanced at the clock and was
amazed to see it was already after five.  "Cool on this end.  Let me get
some stuff together and I'll be over there."
	"See you in a few then," he said, and hung up.  That's when I realized I
hadn't even asked what happened with Jenny or if she was still there.
	I quickly gathered up what stuff I needed and started walking to Josh's.  I
figured I could take a shower there.  I didn't want to take too long because
it was about dinnertime and I was hungry.  Josh's parents were already gone
again when I arrived.  He answered the door and told me to come on in.
Imagine my surprise when I found Jenny sitting on the couch.
	"Hey Jenny, didn't know you were still here.  Sorry I couldn't come back
earlier, Mom made me clean my room," I said.
	"Uh-huh.  That's what Josh said," she answered, and I knew she wasn't
buying it.
	"What? I did, call and ask her.  Hope you guys didn't miss me while I was
gone," I said grinning.
	"Oh, we didn't," Josh said from behind me.  Jenny just grinned.  Great, now
they were going to play games with me.
	"So, anything interesting happen while I was gone?"
	"Maybe," Jenny answered, smirking.  "But I don't think you're going to be
hearing about it."
	"Besides, it was your idea," Josh joined in.
	"Actually though, there is something I wanted to ask you Terry," Jenny
continued.  "I was wondering if you'd want to do some... things, with Josh.
You know, like the things we've done."
	"Yeah," Josh said, "she said you wondered what it would be like with a
guy."
	"And I'm sure Josh would be... willing, if you wanted to see what it was
like," Jenny finished.
	I just stood there looking back and forth between them.  I couldn't believe
this.  I hadn't set them up, I'd set MYSELF up, and walked right into it to
boot.  No longer was I concerned with what, if anything, they might have
done that afternoon.  In five minutes they'd managed to turn it all back
around on me.  And here they were grinning at me like a couple of fools.
But I decided to play along.
	"Well no, I wouldn't mind doing some things with Josh," I finally answered,
trying to keep my voice light though I couldn't look at him.  "But just when
is this supposed to happen?"
	"Oh, I don't know.  Whenever.  Maybe not at all.  Then again, maybe
tonight," Jenny said.  I could tell it was all she could do to keep from
laughing.  "That's between you and Josh."  Then she did lose it and was
practically rolling on the floor.
	"Oh you're funny.  I suppose you want to stay and watch?" I asked, trying
to save a little dignity.
	"No," she answered, calming down and heading for the door.  "I think I hear
my mom calling me."  And she burst out laughing again.  I just glared at her
as she closed the door.
	"So, ready for that pizza?" Josh asked.

	He ordered and we sat down to start watching a movie while we waited.
There was a brief intermission when the pizza finally arrived and we scarfed
it down, and then we went back to watching the movie.  I don't even know
what it was.  For one thing, it sucked.  For another, I had other things on
my mind.  I hadn't exactly figured out what I was going to do before Josh
called.  As if that weren't bad enough, he and Jenny had pulled that stuff
on me as soon as I walked in the door.  I didn't know if they were serious
or not.  Well, I figured Josh meant it, I just wasn't sure if they had done
anything or were really expecting us to tonight.  Apparently Josh noticed I
was a little pensive and not paying attention to the movie.
	"Are you ok Terry?  You seem kind of out of it," he said.
	"Huh?  No, I'm fine.  Just watching the movie," I replied.
	"Bull.  I've been watching you for two minutes, and you haven't seen a
thing."
	"Heh... Ok, so the movie kind of sucks."
	"Let's do something else then."
	We shut the TV off and went up to his room.  I took up my usual spot at the
foot of the bed staring at the ceiling while Josh put some music on.  One of
the coolest things about his room was that it had this dimmer switch so you
could turn the lights down to like candlelight.  It made it easier to stare
in that direction.  Josh turned the light down about three-quarters of the
way and lit up an incense stick.  That was another thing about his room; it
always smelled of incense.  But not the really overpowering stuff, just kind
of a sweet pleasant spice.  He used a couple of different kinds, but this
one was called Fantasia I think.  We'd sit in there for hours just chatting
and relaxing, listening to music in the dim light.
	Josh paused as he turned and came towards the bed.  "You're awfully quiet
tonight.  You aren't mad at me for earlier are you?  Or Jenny?" he asked.
	"No, I'm not mad at either of you," I answered, looking up at him.  He
seemed to accept that and lay down beside me.  "It was part of what I was
thinking about though."
	"Look, if it's about Jenny and I this afternoon...  We just talked for a
little while about the whole thing and ended up kissing some and..."
	"Josh, I don't want to know," I interrupted him.  "I mean, if you want to
tell me I'll listen.  But I don't need to know what happened.  I knew what
the general outcome was going to be.  The details are with you and her."
	"If you knew, then why did you want us to do anything?"
	"I don't know.  I told you I couldn't explain it.  Part of me wanted to
know if you were bi.  Part of me wanted to see Jenny with you.  I just
didn't want to end up like that movie Threesome."  Later Josh told me that
if I'd been looking at him I would have seen him start, though I didn't find
out why for a long time.  "I didn't want to have this thing where she was in
love with you, you were in love with me, and I was in love with her.  Well,
that last wouldn't happen because Jenny and I have already been through it,
but..."
	Josh didn't reply, and it was silent for a long time.  "You guys were
serious earlier, weren't you?  About us... doing things," I finally said.
	"It was part of what we talked about.  She said you two had talked about it
before, but as far as she knew you hadn't ever done anything with another
guy.  Except kiss me that night in the hospital.  She thought that maybe it
was bothering you and if we... made out or something..."
	That was when the condition of the room suddenly hit me, including the
music that was on.  It was a CD Josh had burned himself, all slow music, and
right then the newer version of Hotel California was playing.  "You really
want this, don't you?" I asked, turning my head to face him.  He looked over
at me.
	"You know I do.  I told you that, but I just didn't want to push you into
anything, especially not away from me.  That's what you said in the
hospital, not to rush things."
	I knew right then that I loved Josh.  And I mean really loved him.  I
didn't care if we were both guys, or if I was gay or bi or a fucking pink
elephant.  Josh loved me, cared about me so much.  I could see it in his
face and those slate blue eyes.  I hadn't realized how hard the last couple
of weeks had been on him, knowing he loved me and there was a chance, but
not knowing how I felt.  He was beautiful; the dim light made his skin
really dark and his eye shine.  I just wanted to grab him and never let go.
He was leaning towards me, and I could feel his breath on my face.  Our lips
touched.  Josh was tentative at first, not sure if I wanted to do this or
not.
	So I let him know.  I pushed into him and opened my mouth slightly, tasting
again that warm cinnamon flavor.  We started French kissing, longer and more
passionately.  After a moment I pulled him over me, feeling the warmth of
his body, his weight pushing me into the bed.  We wrapped our arms around
each other, and I ran my hands through the hair hanging down over our faces.
  And just like that we were making out.  I liked his scent, clean and warm
and sort of musky; much different than a girl.  To say nothing of the lack
of breasts.  We must have gone on like that for at least half an hour or
more, just lying there on his bed and kissing.  Once in a while we'd roll
over, trading places.  In some of the stiller moments I would look up (or
down) and just stare into his eyes.
	Hands were roaming some.  I mostly rubbed Josh's back, pulling him tightly
into me.  We started to get warm, and I slid my hands up inside his shirt,
gently forcing it over his head.  He pulled away long enough to remove mine
and I admired his flat, smooth chest.  It was firm, and I could feel the
muscles moving under his skin.  Then we were embracing again and the feel of
his bare chest on mine was indescribable.  He felt warmer than when he'd had
his shirt on, and so smooth.  I started getting hard; he already was.
	Josh took the lead.  We'd been going sort of back and forth to that point,
but now it was all him.  He started kissing my neck, moving down my chest.
There weren't any loud moans or crying out each other's names.  I liked
things quiet, and was glad to find he did too.  Sure there were some gasps
and really heavy breathing, but none of that loud fake sounding stuff (at
least it always sounds fake to me, makes me laugh whenever I even try it, by
myself or with someone).  I put my head back and closed my eyes, still
running my hands over what of his back I could reach and through his hair.
Josh continued kissing his way down my chest and abs, rubbing his hands
wherever his mouth wasn't.
	At last he reached the button on my jeans, and I had to say something.
"You're sure you want to do this Josh?" I asked softly.  He looked up at me
as he undid the zipper and slowly pulled them off.
	"I'm positive Terry.  I've wanted to do this since I first saw you, and
even more now," he answered, quickly pulling his own pants off.  It was the
first time I'd ever seen him completely naked, and he was truly beautiful.
Perfectly proportioned through and through, lean and, at least right then,
hard, every bit of him.  So was I, like a rock.  Josh knelt back over me and
we kissed for a moment, and I could feel our erections touch.  Then he slid
his tongue all the way down the center of my chest and suddenly I was in his
mouth.
	He was good.  No, Jenny was good, like neither of the other girls I'd ever
been with had been, because she listened.  Josh was great, because he didn't
have to ask, he *knew*.  He was firmer than the girls had been, more
confident.  Sometimes he sucked gently, sometimes he worked his tongue over
it, and sometimes he did something I can't even describe though I know it
involved his teeth somehow.  And the whole time he was caressing my butt or
stomach and chest.  I could feel him between my legs, excited himself.  I
know I didn't last very long, but it sure seemed like forever.  All too soon
I could feel it starting, and I warned him I was about to cum.
	Josh just kept going, right up to when I started to orgasm, then he quickly
slid up to kiss me and we embraced, grinding into each other.  I was already
shooting and then I felt him start just a few seconds after.  I could taste
a little of my cum in his kiss, the rest spreading between our stomachs,
mixing with his, slick and hot and sticky.  My hands ran all up and down his
back, gently squeezing his cheeks as our breathing began to slow and our
kissing grew less frantic.  Gradually we stopped moving and just lay in the
embrace, slowly starting to get soft.
	After a few minutes I opened my eyes and looked up into Josh's.  There was
a questioning look on his face.  "Wow," was all I could say.  He smiled and
kissed me again.  "That was intense.  But if I didn't need a shower before,
I definitely do now," I said.  Josh laughed and raised himself up a little.
We sort of stuck together.  "And so do you," I added, laughing.  Josh just
stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me off the bed and into the bathroom
next door.
	As he leaned in to start the shower I grabbed him from behind, wrapping my
arms around his stomach and kissing his neck.  He nuzzled against my face
for a moment and then easily slipped out of my hold, the cum on our stomachs
now cool but still slippery.  We both stepped into the shower and let the
steaming water run down over us, taking turns washing each other off.  He
ran his hands over my hair.  I say over because it wasn't even as long as
his fingers were thick, except for my bangs.  He said it felt like a really
soft brush, really funky.
	We made out some more, kissing and hugging as the water fell on us.  I was
glad we were close in height.  I sucked and licked water off of his skin,
drinking in the scent of his damp hair.  When I felt him start to get hard
again, I kneeled down and began to lick and kiss him, caressing his firm
cheeks and smooth thighs.  Then I started playing with his sack, gently
licking and toying with it right before taking him into my mouth.  I wasn't
great, hell I probably wasn't even good, but Josh didn't seem to mind.
Gradually he put his hands on my shoulders and started to move gently back
and forth in response to my mouth.
	I wrapped my arms around his legs and held on to his butt, feeling the
muscles flex and relax.  In a short while I felt him start to tense up and
not relax as much afterwards.  And I could taste precum too.  I knew he was
getting close.  The whole time the water just ran down over us like a gentle
rain.  He warned me he was getting really close, that he was about to cum
again.  But I didn't care.  I wanted to taste Josh, and I wanted to taste
all of him.  At first I nearly gagged because I didn't expect it to come out
so hard, but I quickly worked out how to swallow at the right time.  And
there wasn't as much as the first time either.  The taste wasn't as salty as
I thought it would be, a little bleachy but not unpleasant.  The thing was
it was Josh's, and that made it as sweet as honey to me.
	When he started to go soft and his shudders subsided, I stood up again and
we French kissed some more.  That's when the hot water began to run out.
Since we were already starting to shrivel up anyway, we got out and toweled
off.  Then we went back to his room and he closed the door, saying we didn't
have to worry about his parents because they never came in without knocking.
  We climbed into the bed, still naked.  I spooned him, enjoying the feel of
his warm smooth skin all the way down my body.  One arm under his neck, the
other over his back, I nuzzled his neck, feeling his chest rise and fall,
the gentle beat of his heart against my hand and chest.  I felt so right, so
complete.
	"I love you Josh," I murmured into his soft damp hair.
	"I love you too, Angel," Josh answered softly, pushing a button on the
remote to his stereo before clutching my arm to his chest.  That Sarah
McLachlan song that had come on in the hospital, Angel, started playing and
he snuggled even closer back against me.  We just lay there like that for a
long time.  I wasn't thinking about anything, just the feeling of Josh
against me.  His breathing gradually slowed as he fell asleep.  I followed
right behind him into a deep and peaceful night.


*** End of Part 3 ***

Thanks to all who have written.  Sorry I can't write all of you back
individually, but time seems to be something I'm really short on these days.
  Hope part three lived up to your expectations.  A couple of people were
hoping that Terry wouldn't turn out to be gay, and I know it does seem a
little too perfect.  But it's just the way it went, though I did consider
both possibilities.  I also hope the much anticipated sex scene wasn't a let
down.  If it was, sorry.  Sex for me is incidental (or it would be, if I
were getting any ;) and it's actually the love that matters.  I'm not saying
one can't have sex for fun, and that might happen in the future here, but
this first time...

As I'm sure everyone does, I get a lot of "What is/isn't real here?"  So I
thought I'd tell you.  The quarry is real, exists and is used just like I
described, and there is a school not far from it, though it isn't mine.
Jenny is based in appearance loosely on a friend of mine, and the way she
acts and her and Terry's history the way I wish another friend and I had
been able to grow up together.  Josh's appearance is based on an image off
the web.  And finally, there is a little bit of me in both Josh and Terry.
Josh, because of the suicide thing (though it isn't really related to my
bisexuality).  Terry, because he is the person I see myself as, doing what I
think I would do in a given situation, and being offered the things that I
most want.  And that, as they say, is it.

This is going to be it for now.  Sorry guys.  I do have a couple of more
ideas to carry it on, and I will likely come back to them later.  But right
now, I graduate in just about a month, and I really need to focus in on
that.  I *might* be able to get the second part of Midwest Dreams out by
then (it will be the next thing anyway), but no promises.

Feedback is, as always, welcome.  Flames will be ignored, personal responses
given the utmost effort as long as possible.
ghost397@hotmail.com