Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 02:04:51 GMT
From: Morpheus Rose <morpheus18@hotmail.com>
Subject: Texas in Moonfall

Texas in Moonfall
By Morpheus Rose

	I was having a bad day.  That is not really true, it was fine until
it was time for ROTC.  Actually ROTC ruins all my days, so it was a good
thing that it only meets twice a week. My first class went fine; German,
what a great class, English was next.  That went fine as well.  Even Trig
was ok, I got an 85 on my quiz.  But then, right before lunch I had ROTC.
It was inspection day and my shoes weren't shined.  My shoes were not
shined.  We stood in a line, my squadron and I and were inspected by
Colonel Jones.  First in line was my sister and of course she got an
`immaculate as always Cadet Mitler'.  Then he went down the line past some
guys I don't really like anyway who got comments like `looking good, Cadet'
`looking sharp Cadet' and so on.  Not me, I get `shine you shoes cadet'
followed by a demerit and a lecture about how my shoes were an obvious sign
of lack of preparedness and how, if I wanted to amount to something other
than a sack of trash I would have to learn how to be prepared.  Then
Colonel Jones finished the rest and he actually let us out early.  The day
was not a total loss.
	Tori came over and gave me a consoling hug.  I loved my sister so
it was nice, but I couldn't help feeling a little annoyed with her, as I
sometimes did when I got my butt chewed.  After all, it was her fault that
I was in ROTC in the first place.  Tori is two years older than me and was
graduating this spring.  She thought it would be cool if we could both do
something together in school.  I thought it was a neat idea, so I said we
should both do the musical together.  She said she would (which was a
surprise because she doesn't really like being on stage) only if I did Air
Force ROTC with her.  She had this pipe dream about becoming a fighter
pilot, but hey more power to her right?  I really don't know what I was
smoking but I agreed.  So now the musical was over and here I was, still
stuck in ROTC. I still haven't mastered the `think before you act' moral.
	Anyway Tori told me she couldn't meet me for lunch because she had
a project to attend to.  I was to be eating by myself.  Most of my friends
were a year younger so they didn't have lunch the same as me.  So I walked
first to my locker, thinking about my father.  He would beam at Tori and
her good inspection and then laugh with me about mine.  My dad being
currently employed in the Army ate this stuff up and would no doubt
reiterate the lecture about being prepared.  I started to whistle, as I
always did when I was thinking.  My whistling never mirrors my mood, so for
some reason I was whistling "Some Enchanted Evening" from South Pacific.  I
was jolted back to reality by a voice behind me.
	"You sure are cheerful for someone who just got his lunch eaten by
the Colonel!"  I turned to see someone from my squadron that I didn't know,
he looked familiar though.  He was a little taller than I, maybe 5'6" and
was smiling.
	"Yeah, well, it sure brightens your day," I sarcastically replied.
Then because I was feeling better I looked at his shoes (we were both still
in uniform) and noticed his were a little scuffed.
	"Your shoes aren't looking very exemplary, Cadet," I said.
	"What?" he said looking at his shoes "Oh, them, well I guess I just
get away with more.  Anyway I'm Scott" he said holding out his hand.  He
pronounced `I'm' like `Ahm' like most of the Texans in the school, though
it was a little more refined.  His accent didn't grate on my nerves.
	"I'm Jared" I said, shaking is hand.
	"You don't sound like you are from around here."  It was a
question.
	"No, I'm not, my dad's in the Army and we just moved here last
fall."
	"Your dad's an Army guy?  It must run in the family then."
	"I hope not, I `m just doing ROTC because of my sister."
	"Tori? She's a real looker isn't she?"  Then he blushed because he
realized he was talking about my sister to me.  He smiled again, a sort of
self-conscious smile but it was nice.  The smile was contagious because
then I smiled.
	"I'm sorry." he started to apologize.
	"Don't be, I'll tell her and she'll feel flattered" I turned and
did my locker combo, and a note fell out.  It had my name on it with lots
of heart stickers.  That would be my girlfriend Emma.  She was sweet but
could be embarrassing at times.  Scott noticed and raised an eyebrow but
didn't say anything.  I just shrugged and shoved it in my pocket.  He
smiled again.  I don't know, there was something about him for my mood was
much better.  I mean, I am never really down, but now I found myself not
really worrying about my shoes or the Colonel. Then he started speaking
again.
	"I'm going to lunch right now, do you have a class?"
	"No," I said "in fact that was where I was going right now,"
	"Cool, lets go then, I'm starving!"
		We had both packed our lunches, so we didn't have to wait
in the cafeteria line.  We sat down facing each other, in the corner of the
room, him eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and me eating a corned
beef one.  He looked off into space for a second, and I got a chance to
study his features.  He had dark blonde hair, it was cut short but not in a
buzz.  He had nice features with a kind look to them.  He was good-looking
but not sultry.  Even when staring at nothing his face seemed open and
honest.  It was his eyes that were really neat though.  They were green, in
that they weren't brown and they weren't blue.  They were bright and very
compassionate.  I felt very relaxed and comfortable with him.  He suddenly
turned and noticed me staring at him.
	"What?" he said, "do I have something on me?" He scanned his shirt
to check to see if he dropped any crumbs on it.
	"No," I felt sort of embarrassed, "I was just staring."  And then
before he got a chance to ponder what I said I changed the subject.
	"So, why are you in ROTC?"
	"Oh, I don't know, I thought it would be cool, besides, I always
had this pipe dream of becoming a fighter pilot or something."
	Interesting coincidence.  "That's funny, so does my sister." I
said.
	"She sounds pretty cool."
	"She is, we really get along."  Was he just getting to know me to
meet my sister?  I decided that wasn't the case.  "What grade are you?"
	"I'm a sophomore."
	"Really, me too!" I said.
	"I know, we're in Trig together," he said.
	"Oh," I knew he looked familiar, "How did you do on your quiz?"
	"I got a 98!" he said proudly.
	"Well, maybe we could study together or something because I only
got an 85" I said.
	"Cool, when?"
	I was feeling bold besides, I was really starting to like him.
"How about tonight then?"
	"Can't, I got Scouts," he said.
	"Oh, yeah, me too, wait a minute," this would be too much, "what
troop are you?"
	"512, over at the Methodist church."
	"No way! I go to that one too, but I don't ever remember seeing you
though!"
	"I haven't been going lately, I've been behind in school work.  How
about you bring your trig to the meeting tonight and we can work on it
together, there is always a lot of free time."
	The conversation drifted then.  I found out that he had lived in
Texas all his life and how he was really interested in all sorts of things
from other cultures, to science, to swimming and other stuff.  He also
collected comic books so we had a lot to talk about.  I was sort of taken
aback by his worldliness; I had a stereotype in my mind for most Texans
being closed minded, ultra-religious jerks, which I already knew wasn't
that correct.  It was nice to be reminded not to be closed-minded myself.
Talking with him was like getting a breath of fresh air, just sort of nice.
The time flew so quickly that soon I was saying good-bye.
	The rest of classes went by quickly enough and I went home.  I
talked with my mom a bit about what a jerk the Colonel was.  She of course
responded that next time I should take a little more time to get prepared
for it; if I wasn't going to commit myself full well to being in ROTC, than
why did I even sign up for it?  My mother, and the rest of the world it
seems (including my sister) fail to grasp the concept that I was doing ROTC
to be in a class with Tori, not because I had aspirations of a military
career.  My argument was that I had already spent sixteen years in the
military, why would I want to spend another twenty in it.  Not that I had
anything against the Army, I really had good experiences everywhere I've
lived, but Texas was driving me insane.  My mother then reminded me we were
only staying until June, and that she was sure I could survive another six
months.  She told me that my Grandmother was safely home and that the
flight went fine.  My Grandmother had come for Christmas this year because
it wasn't plausible for all of us to come up to Boston to visit her.  I
gave her a hug and she ruffled my brown hair and then I went up stairs to
my room.
	I closed my door and opened the note that Emma had given me.  It
was a love note.  It said that she had missed me over break (she had gone
away) and that she would call me tonight and we could talk and how much she
loved me.  I sort of sat down after I finished.  I felt confused.  I mean,
I liked her, she was nice and friendly and we had stuff to talk about, but
I always felt weirded out when she talked about love and stuff.  I always
had trouble saying `I love you' to her, which seemed to be a requirement of
dating a girl for more than a month.  We started going out, when I heard
that she liked me.  We were both doing the musical at the time so I thought
that if she liked me, than I would probably grow fond of her in time so why
not ask her out?  Well I had grown fond of her, but.  she annoyed me at
times.  Kissing Emma too felt weird, her mouth was kind of cold and just
felt sort of clammy.  We had only kissed a couple of times though, so maybe
I was missing something and would pick it up later.
	Anyway I put down her note and tried to do my homework.  I got
through my German when my Dad came home and we had dinner.  Mom and Dad
talked about their days and we talked about ours.  Tori briefly mentioned
the inspection and tried to change the subject but my Dad picked up on it
anyway.  He asked me how I did and I said that the commandant gave me a
demerit because my shoes weren't shined.  He laughed for a while, he really
loves hearing about this stuff, and then he started the lecture.
	"You know son," he always used `son' when he started to preach, "if
you are ever going to amount to more than just a sack of shit," Dad could
afford to be more colorful in his speech than the Colonel, "you need to
learn to be more prepared, now I think blah blah blah."  I started to zone
out after that.  After dinner I hurried upstairs and put on my scout
uniform.  It was getting small on me, but it made my biceps look bigger
than they actually were so I didn't mind.  Dad drove me there in the pickup
and then we parted, me to go with the other scouts and him to go bullshit
with the other fathers there.  Dad loved Texas because he could own a
pickup truck and fit right in with all the other `good ol'boys'.
	After the ceremony, when everyone was dividing into patrols to plan
for the upcoming camping trip, I found Scott.  He had just finished talking
with the scoutmaster and waved me over.  He looked really good in his
uniform, but before I could ponder where I was going with that thought he
started speaking.
	"Hey, how's it going?" He asked.
	"Good, I brought my Trig homework," I said.
	"Cool, I brought mine," and then he just stared at my shirt for a
second, "your shirts a little small on you huh?"
	"Yeah, I haven't got a chance to find a new one yet"
	"That's ok, it makes your arms look bigger."
	Kind of funny.  Anyway we got started right away on the Trig.  We
had a test in a week or so, so I was anxious to get started.  For some
reason, when he explained it, it all made sense.  He was a great
teacher. He would get excited and his pencil strokes would get larger and
sloppier.  His eyes lit up and even I started to feel enthusiastic about
Math.  If I paid attention.  A couple of times I would just stair at his
bobbing head while he was working a problem for a couple of moments.  Then
he would realize that I wasn't with him, and sort of run his hands through
his hair and smile and I would shake my head and start to work the problem
again.
	We were interrupted when another scout came up and asked Scott what
he was doing about the camping trip next month.
	"Shit!" he swore, "I forgot to ask someone to tent with me," he
stared at his shoes, "unless," he turned and smiled at me "you would."
	"Um, when is it?" I asked the kid.
	"February 1 through 3" the kid responded in a thick accent.
	"Um."  Scott looked at me with pleading eyes. "Ok."
	"Cool" said Scott, "I got a tent and everything"
	I wasn't really planning on going on the camping trip, but maybe
with Scott it might be fun.  I was one of the older scouts but all the
fathers, including the scout master completely patronized me.  On the last
trip I went on with the Troop, one of the fathers told me I wasn't building
the fire the correct way and then he started talking like he was the
grandmaster guru of all fire.  I hated authority.
	My Dad then came by and said that he was heading home.  However I
was not done with trig.  Scott offered to take me home since he had gotten
the car for tonight.  My Dad agreed and left.  Scott and I finished the
work maybe a half an hour later and then we left.  While we were driving I
looked outside my window and saw a full moon.  It was beautiful.
	"So where are we going on this camping trip? I asked suddenly.
	"Hamilton Falls, it's a beautiful area right in the hill country."
He said.  However before I could inquire further he turned on the radio and
a country song came on.
	"Yes, I love this song!" and then he started to sing along, "if you
get there before I do, don't give up on me."  We got there to my house
before the song ended and he turned down the volume.  I opened the door and
he held out his hand.  I thought it was for a hand slap, but when I swung
to hit his hand, he grabbed firmly with two hands.
	"Take care, Jared," he said and smiled.
	"You too, thanks for the ride, and I guess I'll see you at ROTC."
	"Cool, till then!" and he drove off.
	I walked to the door and to my room.  There was a message that Emma
called but I didn't feel like calling her back.  I just sat down on my bed
underneath my window.  I stared out at the moon and thought about how I
finally had something to look forward to in ROTC.
	The next couple of days went well.  Scott and I would meet for
lunch with Tori occasionally joining us.  We all got along really well and
there were always things to talk about.  On Friday, Tori couldn't meet us
so it was just the two us eating, it was then that Emma ambushed me.  I had
sort of been avoiding her, and I hadn't returned her calls so I groaned
when he she finally caught up with me.
	"Hi Emma," I sort of smiled.
	"Hi Jared" she said flatly and paused, and then the storm
broke. "Why haven't you called me, why haven't you met me at my classes,
don't you love me?"
	The thing that annoys me the most is that Emma has a horrible
tendency to get melodramatic over little things.
	"I was busy.'" I said and then I shrank back into my chair.
	She then completely surprised me.
	"I understand honey," I hated it when she called me honey in
public, "it's just that I missed you.  Lets go to a movie this weekend."
Just like that she went from hysterical to cute and cuddly.  I still didn't
want to see her though.
	"I can't ." her eyes narrowed, oh shit, what can I say to get me
out of this one.  Suddenly Scott came to the rescue.
	"We are going to be studying together." He said.
	"Who are you?"  "I'm sorry, this is Scott, Scott, Emma, Emma,
Scott" I introduced them.  "Pleased to meet you" said Scott, extending his
hand.  "Same here," she said shaking it, and then, turning to me "Call me
sometime this weekend, Jared, ok?"  "I promise, honey" I called her honey
to make up.  "I have to go, I'll see you later, nice meeting you Scott" she
leaned down kissed me on the lips and left.  I blushed.  Scott clapped me
on the back.
	"She sure is a wild cat" he said
	"She sure is," and then hoping it wasn't just an empty promise "so
when are we studying together?"
	"I don't know, how does tonight sound, in any case give me your
phone number."
	So we exchanged phone numbers and then talked about how he was
having difficulty with his world history classes.  Since I had already
taken world history I told him that I would help and it would be a fair
exchange, trig for history.  He smiled at that and then we both left for
our other classes.
	I met up with Tori after school and since she had the car today we
drove home together.  We talked about our days.  She mentioned that Joe
Brennan, one of the running backs on the football team asked her to the
valentines day formal.  I really didn't like the football players, or
really football in general so I was happy when she told me she turned him
down.  She noticed of course and told me she how she couldn't possibly go
out with a guy her brother did not approve of.  When we got home, Tori
announced that she was going out with a couple of her friends that evening
and I asked if I could go study with Scott.  Study was always the right
word to use with my mom because she immediately agreed and then told me to
bring him over some time so that she could meet my newest friend.  Dad came
home shortly after and we had an early dinner.  Almost immediately after I
was finished the phone rang; it was Scott.  We finalized plans and then he
left to pick me up.
	He was there shortly and pulled the car up.  The sun was just
setting and when he got out of the car the fading light caught his hair and
surrounded his face with a crown of fire.  He stood there for a second
beaming his dazzling smile and absorbing the light looking all the while
like Gabriel.  Then the sun slipped behind the horizon and he went back to
normal Scott. He was still smiling though.  I smiled right back and
resisted the urge to go and hug him.  It was moments like these when he
catches me off guard that I find myself feeling giddy.  I shook it off
quickly though and hopped into the car. We chatted amiably about nothing
much.  When we got to his house his dad greeted us.  His father was a
massive hunk of a man, tall, built and ruggedly handsome.  He was blond
like Scott but it was there that the similarities ended.  He was wearing
wrangler jeans, cowboy boots and a stetson (inside the house); in my minds
eye the utter incarnation of Texan.  Yet despite this when he smiled and
shook my hand I found myself liking him.  I returned the shake with a firm
grip, the one thing I like about Texas, no-one ever gave me a limp-fish
handshake.
	"So, you're Jared, my son tells me you have trouble shining your
shoes." He said.
	Ha ha, so funny. "It's true, I was lucky though, I only got one
demerit instead of five.  Jones must have been in a good mood."
	"Well you must be sick of all the `it builds character' bullshit so
I'll tell you that I thought he was a prick when I met him that one time"
he mused.
	Wow, the respect meter just went up ten notches.  Scott made
impatient gestures towards the stairs so his dad just smiled and said: "
Y'all better get going with the studying now."  It was funny though as we
were walking away I smiled back at him and noticed his eyes, they were
blue, but sort of dull.  It was like his smile didn't completely make it up
to his eyes.  I hurried to follow Scott and soon we started studying.  We
got a lot accomplished the first hour, but then later it deteriorated and
we were just talking.  I talked about some of the places I had lived.  He
was really fascinated that I had lived in Hawaii and asked a whole bunch of
questions.  I then quizzed him about what it was like to live in the same
place for his entire life.  He didn't talk as much.  He then abruptly
changed the subject to the mythology we were studying in English.  Scott
had apparently learned more about them then before we started doing that
unit. I thought they were interesting. I said that if I could be any God I
would definitely be Hermes or maybe Poseidon.  He said that he would be
some god named Eros.  I had never heard of him before but I didn't want to
look uninformed so I said that that was cool.  We both agreed that Apollo
was a wus.  The conversation drifted and when Scott left to go to the
bathroom I looked out his window.  He had a nice view of the back yard and
it was a pretty sight under all the stars.  I noticed though that his
father was just standing on the back deck.  Scott came back and looked out
with me.
	"What's your father doing?" I asked.
	"Oh, he does that some times," he paused, "when he's thinking about
mom."
	"Your parents aren't together anymore?" I asked, hoping that I was
being tactful.
	"No, my mom died when I was eight and."  he paused and there was
some silence.
	"Gee, I'm sorry, I ." I didn't know what to say.
	"Don't be, it was a while ago and I'm ok, it's my dad who never got
over it"
	"Oh," and then trying to fill the awkward silence I said "So, its
just you and your dad then?"
	"Nope, I have an older brother who is away at Texas A and M, but he
doesn't come home much."
	"An aggie?  Goooo Longhorns!" I said.
	"Take that back!"  With that he lunged at me and threw a pillow at
me.  I didn't duck of course and took it right in the face and then fell to
the ground.  He helped me up and then suddenly he asked me: "Do you want to
see her?"
	"Who?" I was still thinking of ways to get him back.
	"My mother, you dork!" he said.
	"Um, ok"
	So we went downstairs to his living room and he showed me a big
family portrait.
	"There's me, Chad (my brother), Dad and Mom" pointing at each one
with his finger.  Chad looked like Scott's dad but Scott looked just like
his Mom.  She was radiant.  She had shiny long gold hair with the same
sparkly eyes that Scott has.  Her smile was kind and gentle and her entire
face emitted this loving feeling.  I could feel myself start to choke up.
I always get emotional around death.
	"She's beautiful, Scott" I whispered, not wanting to betray myself.
	"Yeah," he agreed but then he cocked his head to one side "you ok?"
	"Me? Oh sure, yeah, fine." I mumbled.
	"Well, wow, its getting late, I should probably take you home."
	"Yeah," I said.  That was abrupt.
	We didn't talk much on the ride back home until I was getting out.
	"Jared?" he asked.
	"Yup," I said.
	"I'm glad we're friends."
	"Yeah, me too, take care!" I smiled.
	 With that I closed the door and he drove off.  I waved and then
walked back to my house.  Why did I feel so sad?
	  My dad woke me up at 9am.  He loves Saturdays because it means he
can dominate his children and force them to work long cruel hours in the
yard.  He always tickles me to wake me up and thinks it's the funniest
thing.  I don't agree.  Here I am sleeping peacefully and then suddenly
there are all these sharp jabs to all my ticklish spots causing me to spasm
uncontrollably; where is the humor in this situation?
	"Morning Jar, I have some things for you to do, but then the rest
of the day is yours." Yeah, the last two hours of sunlight if I get done by
then.  "All you have to do is mow the lawn, trim the edges and wash the
aerostar, come on, I made some buckwheat pancakes."  Possibly the most
annoying thing about Texas is that grass still grows throughout the winter
months.
	I slowly and carefully made my way down the stairs.  While I didn't
exactly love buckwheat pancakes, they weren't that bad and my father would
be mortally offended if I didn't eat at least two.  Tori of course was
already up.
	"Hey sleepy head, I already called front yard!" she said.  This
left me with the back yard with its red ant fortresses.
	I then saw my mom in her bathrobe and gave her a huge hug.  She
idly stroked my hair.  "What's that for?" she asked, "you still have to mow
the lawn."
	"I know, I still love you though." I said.
	With that I had my buckwheat pancakes and then took a shower.  I
washed the car while I waited for Tori to finish the front yard.  At least
I got away with only doing the outside, she had to vacuum and do all the
inside stuff on the car.  When Tori was done I fearlessly strapped on my
hiking boots, pulled my socks up and started on the back yard.  It wasn't
hot so mowing the yard wasn't that bad, even so, I mowed over the ant hills
in the back and delighted in the perverse satisfaction that I took out of
seeing something else suffer while I did.  Dad was finished with whatever
things he had planned for himself and had pulled his "I'm just going over
to the hardware store for a couple minutes" stunt.  We probably wouldn't
see Dad until the evening.  As I started to do the edging Tori and mom took
off as well, to look for a dress for the Valentines Day formal.  She still
didn't have a date, but that's because she was probably waiting for some
other guys to ask her.  Suddenly it was just me alone in the house.  This
of course meant internet time!
	My dad had just recently gotten a new computer and with that he had
gotten membership with MSN.  I had just discovered the wonders of free porn
on the internet.  I quickly got on line.  I went to some of the sites that
I had found to be free and stared for awhile.  Even though I was still
sweaty I figured I would get a good woody and then jerk off in the tub.  I
unbuttoned my pants to make myself a little more comfortable.  I clicked on
one of the links below about underwear ads and stuff, however that turned
out to be off line so I clicked another link on that page.  I knocked
something off the desk and bent down to pick it up.  When I returned to
looking at the screen it had fully downloaded.  I suddenly sat very still,
on the screen in front of me were several beautiful male models wearing
nothing but briefs and boxers.  My hand quickly went to the back button but
I hesitated.  I could never get the chance to take a good long look at
these ads when I was in the stores or shopping because someone might notice
and label me as a fag.  But now no one was home and I could just stare.
These were some hunky men.  My cock stirred a bit and began to get a little
hard.  I scrolled down the page there were some links below.  Gay links.
Almost as if my were hand were not in my control I clicked on one.  As I
waited for the page to load I closed my eyes.  When I opened them again I
was looking at two cute guys kissing each other.  I scrolled down and saw a
picture of one of them sucking the other ones penis.  My cock surged and I
started to rub it through my underwear.  I began to imagine myself as one
of the guys in the picture.
	I quickly closed the page and signed off.  I stood there for a
second staring at the background my father had on the screen, blue rivets,
and then I walked to the bathroom and started to draw water for a bath.  As
I got undressed I thought to myself `What is going on?'.  But I knew.  I
stood there staring at my naked reflection, my erect penis brushing the
counter top and I clutched my face.  I was always grabbing looks at other
guys, checking out their bodies in gym, thinking of ways to talk to the
good-looking ones.  I was good though, I always kept my penis limp, even in
the shower.  I had always thought that I was just curious, but there it
was.  I had looked at gay sex and had gotten aroused, turned on, horned up.
The bitter truth that been lurking in the back of my conscience was
suddenly there, staring right at me.  I wanted to touch other guys and feel
them.  I turned away and punched the wall.  How can this be me?  I sat down
against the wall as tears began to fill my eyes.  I wanted a family and a
wife and a house, I didn't want this!  Yet I did.  And there it was.  A
sense of despair began to fill in me and I sort of just let my mind wander.
My hand hurt.  I was brought back to the living when I felt water by my
leg.  I had forgotten to turn off the tub and now it was spilling over the
edge.  I quickly turned it off and got some towels to mop up the rest.  I
took a quick bath and then went to my room.  I was lying naked on my bed
when the phone rang.  It was Scott.  "Hey Jar, how's it going?" he asked.
"Oh, not too bad." I did my best to sound cheerful.  "Good, I sort of took
you home last night before I could invite you."  "Invite me to what?" I
asked.  "To our annual Super Bowl party two Sundays from now!"  Ugh.  I
really hate football.  "Sure!  What time?"  "Around 4ish."  "Cool, see you
then!"  I hung up.  I threw myself back on my bed and fell asleep.  When I
had woken up it was past dinner time so I just munched silently on some
leftovers and thought about myself.  I wanted to talk to someone, but how?
My father was always pretty good at talking, but how could I talk to him
without giving myself away?  Maybe if I phrased it in a different way.
"Hey Dad, can I ask you something?" I called into his room.  I paused and
waited for him to reply and then went on "what does a-" I groped around for
the right example "butterfly, do if it doesn't want to be, well, you know,
doesn't want to be a butterfly?" Oh my God.  I cringed at my horrible
analogy.  "That's a strange question there," he smiled.  "First of all
though, a butterfly is always going to be a butterfly, there isn't any
changing that, but I guess the butterfly could just try to pretend to be
something else.  What brought this up?"  "Oh just something I read in some
book!"  "Well, I hope that answers your question"
	"Sure does Dad, thanks a lot" and then I walked to my room.  Wow,
Dad's a genius sometimes, I could still have it all.  Besides my drama
teacher already told me I was a good actor.  All was not lost!
	I immediately dialed another number.
	"Hi, Emma?. Yeah, I'm sorry I've been a jerk lately, its just that
. Well anyway I was just calling to see if you still were available to go
see a movie? . You are?  That's great, I'll pick you up around 9!  Cool,
. yes I love (it didn't sound that strained this time) too."

	The date was pretty uneventful.  We saw a chick flick and it was
pretty good.  I felt good as I dropped her off and then came home.  As soon
as I got in though, my mother told me my father was angry with me about
something with the computer.  My heart stopped; I had forgotten to erase
the history files.  Oh shit.  I asked if he was still awake and then went
upstairs to meet my fate.  I slowly turned into the computer room and saw
my father standing there.  Good bye life.
	"Son!" he sounded pretty ticked, "What have I told you about
leaving the computer and the light on!"
	"What?" I was confused for a second until I figured out that I had
been reprieved!  God loves me, he really does. "Oh, gee, I'm sorry dad I
guess I forgot."
	I then got a lecture but I didn't really care, because I was safe!
After a while he went to sleep and I was able to sneak in and delete the
internet history files.
	
	The next week went by quickly for me.  I had a math quiz on that
Tuesday and with all the studying I had done with Scott I did really well
this time.  On Thursday I found out that I got a 93 one point lower than
Scott's score.  However the gnawing feeling at my stomach continued
everytime I thought about what I had seen Saturday night.  I would get
distracted for a while when I would read a book or talk to a friend but the
feeling would always be there waiting for me when my attention returned
inward.  I would have to tell myself that I could still do everything I
wanted but it was just going to be harder.  Everything was going well with
Emma, I was making an effort to be more considerate than I normally was and
a lot of people commented on what a cute couple we were.  This really
pleased Emma.  Still, I threw up at least three times that week.  I was
getting better though.
	Friday night I invited Scott over for dinner and since there was an
inspection coming up the next Monday I told him to bring over his uniform
and his shoes.  Dinner was great, Scott really hit it off with my mom and
my Dad actually found himself getting into a conversation or two with him.
Then the three of us, Tori, Scott and I went off to shine our shoes and
iron our uniforms.  It was fun.  The funniest thing revealed was that Scott
used to live right next door to Joe Brennan when he was younger.
Apparently Joe used to carry a stuffed pig with him wherever he went and he
was teased mercilessly about it, to the point of being called Piggy.  Tori
and I laughed really hard when we heard this.  We talked some more about
non-consequential things.  Tori had finally accepted a date to the
Valentine Days formal.  Some guy named Elliot.  I had never met him but
Scott knew who he was and approved.  He was a senior and was apparently a
decent guy, even though he was a young republican.  I asked Scott if he was
going to go to the dance and he made some joke about me being interested in
taking him.  I blushed and replied that I was probably going to take Emma.
He got quieter suddenly and replied that Dances weren't really his scene.
There was a lull in the conversation and I felt silly for asking the
question.  Scott got up to leave and I said I would walk him to the door.
When we got to his car we said our goodbyes and then he held out his hand
again. I made to slap it, but when I made contact he gripped my hand and
put his other one on it as well.  He stared into my eyes for a second and I
could see all the green sparkles.  "Take care," was all he said.  I went
inside.  I was dreaming again.  I dreamt I was a beautiful Butterfly.
Denial is so difficult.  The next day, I didn't have to do any yard work
because my dad was out of town for Saturday and Sunday.  That was cool
because I had the car then.  I called up Scott but he wasn't home so I
called up Emma and another one of my friends, Luther.  The three of us went
to the mall and hung out.  I bought us all ice cream and we all sat just
talking.  Emma was going to start volunteering at the rescue mission and
asked us if we wanted to help.  She really is a sweet girl.  Luther
apparently had been getting some love letters in his locker.  I had never
really thought of Luther as good looking but I supposed he was.  I had met
him during the musical and he had already been friends with Emma.  He is a
really cool guy and we have a lot of fun when we hang out, but things were
tense when we were first getting to be friends because he had a crush on
Emma.  We eventually became friends, but I still think he harbors a secret
flame for Emma.  So we talked about the possibilities of Luthers secret
admirer.  Emma thought it was this girl in her class, Melodie (only in
Texas do I hear names like Melodie), who never stops talking about him.
Luther thought it could be this other girl who was in his math class and I
didn't know who it might have been.  It was a fun afternoon.  Sunday passed
without a glance and suddenly I was standing in front of Colonel Jones at
attention waiting for my inspection to be over with.  Jones seemed to be
taking an inordinate amount of time to inspect me.  He tugged at my lapels,
starred at my shoes and then checked my cuffs.  He began to speak and his
harsh expression melted a bit.  "It seems cadet, that you have learned to
shine your shoes and to present yourself as almost respecting of the air
force ROTC," Could it be?  Was I getting a compliment from Colonel Prick?
Or perhaps I spoke too soon, "however it seems in your zeal to shine your
shoes you have neglected to press your pants.  Two demerits," 2?! "One for
forgetting to press your pants and another because you have not improved
since last inspection."  The rest of the inspection passed in a red haze.
I was furious.  When he released us I stormed to my locker unable to think
of anything but getting a baseball bat and beating the commandant to a pulp
with it.  Maybe a spiked baseball bat?  "Jared?" some familiar voice called
my name.  I turned it was Scott followed by Tori.  "Jared, don't get pissed
over the Colonel," she said.  "Pissed!  I'm not F#&*ing pissed, I am
sooooo," and then I stopped speaking English, "I'm #$@& rip his $^*%@ balls
off! Grrrrr!"  I paused in front of my locker staring straight ahead into
nothingness and my anger gradually receded.  I turned to see my sister and
my friend staring sympathetically at me.  Tori reached over and gave me a
quick hug and then murmured something about having to miss lunch today.
She left and soon it was just Scott and me.  I grabbed my lunch and stalked
to the cafeteria.  I didn't talk much at first, I just sort of sulked while
Scott talked about various things to cheer me up and then I just started
talking. I talked about how I really worked on that stupid uniform and how
he hated me and how unfair he was. Scott just kept repeating `I know, I
know' but it didn't feel insincere.  Finally he put his arm around my
shoulders and said: "I know Jar, we'll get one of his old uniforms and burn
him in effigy!"  I don't know, he said it in just the right mix of humor
and malicious glee that I couldn't help but laugh.  Besides his hand felt
warm and kind of nice on my shoulder.  We just chuckled for a long time and
then the conversation gradually returned.  He didn't remove his hand for a
while and I didn't make any effort to shrug it off.  I felt comfortable and
after a while I felt good again.  Scott can do that for me.
	The rest of the day flew by as did the week.  I had to do a paper
for the commandant to explain why I had gotten the demerits and what I
should do to avoid getting them in the future.  Like he didn't know why I
had gotten them; especially since he was the one giving them to me.  It was
some perverse joke that he enjoyed, but still I had to do them or I would
be in worse crap.  It wasn't until Friday that something went wrong again.
I had heard there had been some sort of accident at Industrial tech but I
had heard such varied accounts that I didn't really give much thought to
it.  That was until I came across Scott in the stairwell.  It was between
classes and I had free.  He was hunching over staring at nothing.  "Scott?"
I asked, "Are you ok?"  "Yeah, . no, . I don't know?"  "What's up?" I asked
trying to sound cheerful.  "Well, this morning Mr. Parker asked me to run
an errand for him over in IT.  So I went over to IT and was handing some
papers to Mr. Brown when in jumped Katerina, you know her right?" he asked.
	"Yeah sure, she's the Russian exchange student, the really nice one
who we helped raise money for last semester.  Didn't her brother have some
sort of brain tumor or something?"
	"Exactly!  Well she was all excited because apparently she had
raised enough money and he was going to get treatment for his tumor.  It
was great, she was soo happy that she had run in to tell her friends, I
guess, the good news.  So she grabbed the nearest boy next to her and
started skipping around with him in circles.  It was unreal, time slowed
down for a second" he paused, "I'll never forget what she looked like in
that one moment.  She was beautiful, all smiling, her hair which had been
flowing wildly around her caught the sunlight and she was dazzling.  All
dark brown glitters around a big smile and happy eyes.  But then she
slipped or something and she fell out of the sunlight.  The boy flew back
into someone but she landed right by the table saw.  At first I thought she
was still laughing but . she was screaming.  Someone had left the table saw
on by mistake and her left hand was getting chopped up by it.  And I
watched it happen, I saw all the blood."
	His voice was ragged by then and he clasped his head in his hands.
I didn't know what to do so I crouched beside him on the stairs and after a
moment, I awkwardly put my arms around him in a hug of sorts.  He
immediately clung to me.  I soothed his hair and tried to shush him
	"It's not your fault" I said
	"Don't you see," he murmured into my forearm, "I just stood there
watching, I couldn't do anything, someone pulled her off and Mr. Brown ran
to get the nurse, and I just stood there watching, doing nothing."  He
sounded bitter through the sobs.
	I held him for maybe another five or ten minutes telling him not to
blame himself but the entire time I felt really nice.  I liked having Scott
in my arms, it felt right.  I stroked his head and held him tight and it
felt like the most correct thing in the world.  My mind began to wonder
while I reveled in the warmth of his body.  My hands noticed that he had
muscles under his shirt, nothing huge, but lean and defined.  Then I sort
of felt guilty .
	"So do you know what happened to Katerina?" I finally asked.
	He looked up for a second and replied: "I don't know, I think she
got rushed to the emergency room and they were doing some surgery, I think
the school offered to pay for it."
	"See, it's ok, she's going to be all right!"  I was trying to sound
cheerful but not fake. His look told me I failed.
	"But still, I didn't do anything to help her" he said.
	"Look," I said grabbing his face so as to meet his eyes, "
sometimes you just freeze up, no matter how much you want to do something,
anything, you just can't, and it's ok, it's all right.  Scott everyone does
this, you're not some wus because you didn't do anything." I paused,
searching his face, "all right?"
	He took a deep breath.  " Yeah, I guess you're right" he said.
	"'Course I'm right!"  I said, messing his hair up.  I stood up to
walk down the stairs when he called my name again.  I turned and he grabbed
me in a tight hug. I hesitated at first but then I hugged him back.  It
felt so pleasant.
	"Thanks" he whispered in my ear.

	And then they both die of heart attacks. The end, and noo sex! Ha
Ha ha!
	Just kidding avid readers, but you are still going to have to wait
a little while longer before the sex, I was just getting a little kooky!
-morpheus

	The weekend dragged on and I did lots of yard work for my dad.  He
was so happy he even gave allowances!  Two whole dollars!  Allowances are
mystical things in my households, we technically have them, but my parents
are always finding a convenient excuse for not paying us.  It's only when
they know that they can't get out of it that they pay us.  Anyway it was
finally Sunday and time for the big superbowl party at Scott's house.  I
had mixed emotions about the entire thing, for one thing I was happy to go
see Scott, but on the other I hated having to fake that I liked football.

	I showed up a little late in the afternoon but no one would have
noticed because there were so many people there.  A lot of Scott's Dads
friends, some of his co-workers and whole shit-load of relatives.
Apparently the Superbowl was a big thing with Scotts family.  I could
already tell that this was going to be a long evening.
	I rang the bell and one of Scott's ten year old cousins opened the
door. Before I could say anything he promptly shut it.  I had to stand
there ringing the doorbell until the kids mother came down to answer the
door.  She apologized and introduced me to him.  The kid went to shake my
hand but I had already noticed that he had something on it so I just patted
him on the head.
	I stood in the kitchen for a while next to the snacks hoping that
Scott would find me.  Scotts dad found me so I guess it was close enough.
I gave him a hard hand shake and then he directed to me to the back yard
where Scott was.  I ran outside to see Scott playing Frisbee with maybe six
or seven other kids.  Great this is going to be fun.  So I played frisbee
for a while until it was kickoff time.  They somehow managed to cram forty
people into his living room and almost every guy had a beer in one hand and
a wife on the other.  I tried to act interested but after the first quarter
I went to go to the bathroom.  Instead of going back though I went into
Scott's room.
	His radio was on and it was some country song.  The strange thing
was that it was a perfect 1-2-3 rhythm.  It was just like the waltz from
West Side that I danced.  I started doing the routine without really
thinking what I was doing.  I closed my eyes and I started to hear the
words from the song.  I was interrupted by a voice behind me.
	"What are you doing?"
	I blushed and froze in place.  "I am doing a waltz from the
musical."
	"Cool," He does say `cool' a lot, "Teach me how to dance"
	So I taught him all the stuff I knew.  He picked up the Mambo and
waltz fairly quickly but he seemed to have real trouble with the Fox-trot.
Finally I stopped and did something the dance coach did to me to help me
get it.
	I put my hand on his chest and I tapped it in time with what I was
saying. "Slow, Slow quick-quick, Slow."  He put his hand on mine and did
the beat with me.  I could feel his heart beat and he had his quirky smile
on.  I got distracted and I lost the beat.  I tried to regain my balance
but I tripped and fell.  He burst out laughing.
	"Here, just watch a professional do it" he said.  I couldn't seem
to think of a snappy come back so I just watched.  And he did it perfectly.
I was impressed.
	"Scott that was really good!"  I gushed.
	"Thanks" he smiled and then got serious.  He sat down right next to
me and started playing with the carpet.  After an awkward silence he
started speaking.
	"You know, that was really cool what you did last Friday, I really
appreciate you talking to me.  I don't normally get so emotional about
stuff like that, it's just, well you know."
	"Yeah, I know" I said.  This had suddenly gotten serious
	"I just wanted to tell you how cool that was and."  He broke off,
and then he looked up and smiled wanly at me.  Then he started playing with
the carpet again.  This was weird.  I felt that Scott wanted to say
something to me.  I thought maybe I could help him along or something,
besides there was something bothering me anyway.
	"Scott?" he looked up at me, "how come your brother's not here?  I
mean, big family celebration and your brother's not here.  Especially since
it's the superbowl!"
	"Huh?" he stared for a second and then continued "Oh, my brother
got into a big fight with my dad when my mom died, and now they don't talk
much anymore.  I wasn't sure Dad was going to pay for Chad's college but
then Chad got all those scholarships and stuff so he didn't have to worry
much."  So that obviously wasn't what Scott had on his mind, but I didn't
get a chance to find out because suddenly one of Scotts bratty cousins
barged in and announced that the Broncos had won and everyone was leaving.
	"What were you guys doing in there anyway?  Making out?"  Cute kid.

	Monday came and went.  Dad went on TDY and Tuesday was pretty
boring as well.  Wednesday I got the chance to eat lunch with Luther and
Emma.  Emma was all set to go to Glamour Shots and get some pretty photos
taken of her.  Luther sounded a bit more enthusiastic than I did, but at
least I tried.  Luther still hadn't figured out who his secret admirer was
but he said he was taking Melodie to the Valentine Formal and was going to
confront her with the notes there.  We got into an argument of sorts with
me thinking it was stupid because he could hurt her feelings and him saying
that he would get `lot's of play' because she would be so embarassed.  Emma
stayed out of it as usual and just laughed when Luther talked about
`getting some'.  Then Luther asked me a question.
	"So where have you been all this time anyway?  Emma and I, we
hardly see you anymore what have you been doing?"
	"Well," I replied "I have been hanging with a new friend of mine, a
kid from ROTC, you know Scott?  Emma you do, right?"  I asked.
	"Oh yeah, that boy you had to study math with." She said
	"Yeah him, he`s really cool.  I should get him to hang out with us
one of these days.  He is really funny, and he's cool too but he's also a
nice guy.  You know, someone who'll go out of their way to be kind to you.
And another thing-" I just went on and on, I was gushing and I didn't even
realize it.
	"Whoa!" said Luther "Almost sounds like you're in love with this
guy!"  And then of course he started laughing because he always found his
jokes extremely funny.  I laughed too but then I started choking and I just
couldn't stop.  After a while Luther stopped laughing and Emma grew real
concerned.  She started slapping me on the back. I saw stars, actually they
looked like . butterflies.  Finally I stopped choking.
	"Oranges, they'll get you everytime!"  I joked, but it wasn't half
as funny because I was wiping bits of orange pulp off my chin and chest.
	The rest of the day I couldn't stop thinking.  `Almost sounds like
you love him' and of course it was so true.  That's why I choked, because I
was in love with Scott and I had not admitted it to myself.  I didn't know
what to think of that.  Are people really this stupid, or was it just me?

	Before I knew it Friday had arrived and I had completely forgotten
about the camping trip.  That is, until Scott called me up and told me he
would pick me up in thirty minutes.  Luckily I am a quick packer.  I had
been on enough camping trips, that I knew what to bring.  I was sitting
waiting on the front step with my pack and and my walking stick next to me
when he pulled in.  He was wearing a red bandana around his neck and he
looked so cute that my heart surged a bit in my chest.  I couldn't resist
ruffling his hair when I got in the car but he just smiled.  We met up with
the rest of the troop and then we headed off.  Luckily I got to ride with
Scott and not with the rest of the Dragon patrol who were all at least two
years younger than me.  When we finally got there we learned that we had to
hike two miles to the campsite.  The campsite itself was a good half-mile
from the actual falls.
	The stars were out and they were so clear and piercing it took my
breath away.  Scott and I volunteered to take the back of the line, making
sure none of the stragglers were falling behind too much.  I was afraid
that the kids would just blabber but the immenseness of the place made
everyone quiet.  There was a cool breeze, but it wasn't chilly, it was just
right and fresh too.  Every now and then an animal would make a sound and
everyone would stop and try to see it.  It was gorgeous country and it
reminded me of just how insignificant I was.  All my little problems and
worries seemed to have melted away that night and it was just me and the
land.  I would get this feeling whenever I went camping, but it was nice to
remember it and feel free and wild.
	We finally made it to the camp and Scott and I set up our tent.
However the spell didn't break and when everyone was done setting up our
scoutmaster made a big fire and the entire troop gathered around.  Some of
the parents told some old scouting stories and one of the assistant
scoutmasters broke out the guitar and started playing some songs.  I
started singing, and at first I was a bit embarrassed because I was the
only one singing but then some more boys joined and soon the entire troop
was singing along.  I didn't feel annoyed with the parents or the younger
guys, I just felt very comfortable.  In my experience, when I go camping
sometimes when there is a fire and a beautiful starry night, a warm sense
of camaraderie develops among everyone.  This is what we all felt.  Finally
we all retired to our tents and I spoke my only words to Scott for the
entire evening when I said goodnight.
	The next morning most everyone was up already.  Me being the late
sleeper I was, Scott was already outside with one of his Peak 1's trying to
get a flame going.  I stepped outside and looked around for a nearby tree
or bush.  After I had relieved myself I went back to where Scott was.  He
was making some of those instant eggs and was munching a donut that he had
stolen from the wolf patrol.  He gave me one and I broke out my mess kit.
One of the boys from my patrol came over and told me that breakfast was
ready but I told him I was already taken care of.  He frowned at that,
because our scoutmaster had always made a big deal about doing things as a
patrol, so I told him not to worry, that I would collect wood for tonight's
dinner.  I think he was most worried about me not having to do any of the
chores so he was relieved and went away.
	I have learned long ago that during scout camping trips, not to eat
what I didn't personally prepare and since kp duty is such a pain in the
ass, I always was prepared with MREs. `Meals Ready to Eat' were one of the
few good things the army has ever developed.  All I need to do is boil the
entr‚e bag and voila! Instant dinner.  I steal them from my dad who
always seems to have a stash somewhere; just incase there is nobody home to
fix him anything to eat.
	  So I ate my corned beef hash while Scott ate his scrambled eggs
and we talked about camping stuff.  It was nice, afterwards we brushed our
teeth and decided to go on a hike.  Most of the rest of the Troop was going
on a nature tour with the patrol leaders but we decided to skip that.
	It was a nice hike.  When we returned, one of the boys was trying
to light a fire.  He was doing a good job of it too, however one of the
parents had come over and started to lecture the kid on how to light a
fire.  My hackles rose.
	". you see what you really need to do is build a log cabin, with a
log cabin-"
	I cut him short.  "Actually sir, I think he's doing a fine job of
it.  I myself find that the teepee method is pretty good too."  There, I
was polite but I also stood up for the kid too.
	"Well I reckon so, but-" I cut him off again.
	"There, he's already got a fire going." I said as the kid started
fanning a flame.  Ha!  Take that evil grandmaster guru!  When the adult
finally left the scout turned his head up and looked at me.
	"Thanks," was all he said.
	"Anytime" I replied.  Maybe I did have something in common with the
rest of my patrol.
	The rest of the afternoon everyone went swimming.  Hamilton Falls
was once part of this massive under ground river system but apparently
during the last thousand years or so the caverns had collapsed forming a
deep basin.  The falls spilled from a height of forty feet into the basin.
Everyone had to follow a steep path down from the top or go around to the
other side and hike down to the beach area.  I had forgotten my bathing
suit so I went off and read a book under the shade of a juniper bush.
	Scott found me and asked me why I wasn't going swimming.  I told
him that I didn't have a swim suit and he winked at me and promised that we
would go skinny- dipping later. A chance to see Scott naked!  That sounded
very interesting.  Of course it would be difficult for me.  Not that I was
self-conscious or anything, I just didn't want to spring a hard-on while I
was around him.  As it was I was having a tough time going to sleep with
him only a foot away from me.
	I had completely forgotten about his promise until later that
night.  We had already had dinner and the traditional game of capture the
flag was winding down.  Most of the boys were going back to their tents to
sleep and the scoutmasters were already out of sight.  I was walking back
to the tent when Scott ambushed me.  "Are you ready to go skinny dipping?"
he asked.  I guess it was then or never so I agreed.  We walked quietly
toward the falls area.  It was still pretty warm so I didn't think I was
going to freeze.  Suddenly when we were within a couple hundred yards of
the falls Scott took started running.  "Race ya!  Last one in the water is
a loser!"  I took off after him. We both started stripping as we ran
towards the edge of the falls. He was still ahead of me by the time we
reached the path leading down to the beach area.  He was going to beat me,
unless.  I stood at the edge of the falls and took off the rest of my
clothes.  Naked and covered in goose bumps I glanced over the edge,
suddenly it seemed like a thousand feet instead of forty.  Still for some
reason I wanted to win this silly competition.  I took a deep breath and
jumped with all my strength off the edge of the falls.  For one beautiful,
pristine second, time stood still.  The moonlight reflected off the water,
a breeze caressed my body, and I was flying through the air.  Then the
moment shattered and I was hurtling towards the surface of the water.  I
managed to tuck myself into my best swan dive before I broke the smooth
water of the pool.  Suddenly I was surrounded by dark chilly water and I
could not stop going down.  After the initial shock my body acclimatized.
There was no light, no sound and for a couple terrifying moments I didn't
know which way was up.  I couldn't breath, my lungs were on fire.  I
thrashed around, the water stinging my eyes, as I tried orient myself.  I
forced myself to be calm for a second and tried to relax.  I started feel
one side of my body start to rise.  I looked to my left and I saw the faint
glittering of the surface and starting swimming towards it.  I got closer
and closer but it seemed eternally out of reach.  Finally when I didn't
think I could swim anymore I broke the surface and took a huge breath.  I
was alive and it felt great!  I shouted out loud.  "Woooo Hooo!!!"  I
looked over to where I thought Scott would be at the beach.  He wasn't
there.  Hmmm, I scanned the path along the edge and he wasn't there either.
Suddenly something landed on top of me and shoved me under.  When I came
back up spluttering Scott was still on my shoulders trying to push me under
again.  "You jerk!  You could've been killed!  Didn't you stop to think
about rocks under the surface?" He shouted in my ear.  I hadn't thought
about it, and was about to reply when he dunked me again.  This time I
inhaled a lot of water this time.  When I finally returned to the surface I
was coughing and gasping for breath.  Scott suddenly got concerned.  He put
his arms under my armpits and helped me stay above water till I regained my
breath.  I felt his chest rub my back and I relaxed a little into him.  Of
course then we started to sink so I broke his embrace and swam under.  This
time I swam under him and grabbed his legs and gave them a swift yank.  He
still had his socks on.  By the time he surfaced I was a couple of yards
away from him and out of imminent danger of getting dunked.  "How come you
still have your socks on?" I asked.
	"Because I hadn't finished undressing when you decided to dive from
the cliff, I jumped in after you expecting to find your dead body floating
somwhere."
	"I'm still here though, and I won the race, guess you're the
loser!"  I splashed some in his direction.  He didn't say anything, just
charged after me with that wonderful grin on his face.  He relented when he
didn't catch me, and after a while we just sort of swam around.  We had a
contest to see who could hold the handstand longer and for some reason I
kept losing.  This also meant that I got see his bottom end without him
knowing. He had a cute tush.  After that we got a little cold and climbed
out onto the beach.
	It was a full moon and its bluish rays reflected off the water on
his body in such a way that he looked like he had been dipped in silver.
	"What's dipped in silver?" he said with a smile.
	"Oh," I fumbled (Oh Shit!) "just sort of everything"
	"Yeah," he agreed.  We ended up laying down side by side talking
about everything, while we absorbed the moons rays.  At one point he sat
up.
	"You know Jared, I think sometimes the world is so dumb"
	"How so?" I asked.
	"I don't know it's just like society sometimes keeps people from
being happy or from doing what they want to do" he said
	"Sort of like arranged marriages?  When peoples parents force their
children to marry someone who they didn't love?"  I was hoping I was being
helpful.  Something started to tickle my foot, but I ignored it because I
was so intrigued by what he was saying.
	"Exactly! People should love who they want to love and not be told
that is wrong, because you can only be yourself! Right? They always said be
yourself and you'll be happy, right?"  he looked at me for agreement.
There we go again, that inescapable fact about being who you are.
	"A butterfly can only ever be a butterfly" I murmured, quoting my
dad.
	He looked straight at me with his beautiful sparkling eyes.  "I
knew you'd understand Jar."  He grinned at me and I couldn't help but grin
back.  However suddenly his eyes darkened for a moment and he turned his
head down.  When he looked back at me he had an agonized look on his face.
	"Scott, what is it?" I asked.
	"Jared I wanted to tell you-" Suddenly pain erupted all over my
feet and ankles.  I screamed out loud and looked down there.  Millions of
fire ants were covering my legs and were working their way up my thigh.  I
couldn't do anything I was paralyzed by all the little stings I felt.
Scott immediately started brushing them off my leg but there were so many
that it wasn't doing any good.  They started to bite his hands too.  He
stood up quickly and hoisted me up on his shoulder.  Together we ran for
the waters edge.  I could feel them getting closer to my inner thigh but I
made it in the water quickly enough that they stopped and just curled up
and floated away.
	I caught my breath and relaxed a bit in the water.  The stinging
sensation gradually went away to be replaced by a throbbing sensation in my
legs.  I made sure there weren't any ants on the shore and I got out of the
water to inspect myself.  My legs were covered with little red lumps that
throbbed as well as itched.  My left leg was especially hard hit and I had
trouble walking on it.  Scott came up next to me and I saw that his hands
were pretty swollen too.
	"Lets go back, I think I have some sort of salve in my first aid
kit.  If not we can always wake up the scoutmaster." I said.  He just
nodded dully and I started limping towards the path.  I paused for a moment
when I realized he wasn't with me.  He had been staring at me but then just
shook his head slowly, bent over to pick up his clothes and trotted up to
meet me.  Gingerly he came to my side and put my arm around his shoulder.
Together we walked up the path to where my clothes were.  We put on our
shorts and under wear and carried our shirts around our necks.  I didn't
talk much as we walked back to the campsite and he didn't talk at all.
	At the tent I found the salve and applied it.  I handed it to Scott
who used it and then returned it.  My legs felt better but I still knew it
would ache tomorrow.  Scott muttered a good night and fell asleep quickly
on his sleeping bag.  As I was falling asleep I couldn't seem to shake the
feeling that I had lost something.  I had been on the verge of a
breakthrough with Scott but then I had blown it.  I looked down at his
face, serene and peaceful in slumber and I wondered what was troubling him.
Without thinking I reached down and brushed an errant lock from his face.
Then of course I remembered myself and laid down to sleep
	The next morning we broke camp quickly and left before noon.  I
didn't get much of a chance to talk with Scott and then suddenly I was
home.  Apparently he had to go home for something quickly so another scout
father gave me a ride home.  I told my family all my adventures, omitting
of course my little skinny-dipping escapade, and was promptly put to work
washing the car.  It was then that I started to plan my revenge on the
ants.
	That weekend seemed to mark a change in Scotts attitude towards me.
At first he seemed fairly normal but then as the days went by he seemed to
distance himself from me.  He wouldn't pat me on the back or slap my hand.
He didn't seem to smile as often and our conversations remained on a polite
superficial level.  It was starting to bother me because I began to miss
him.  I still saw him enough but he stopped calling and we didn't study as
much.
	About a week before the Valentines formal, inspection time came up.
I called up Scott to see if he wanted to come over like before and we could
work on our uniforms and maybe I could ask him what was bugging him.  He
refused, he had some excuse about watching one of his little cousins but
when I offered to come over after I was finished he declined again with
another silly excuse. I hung up the phone and felt a lump form in my chest.
What was going on with my friend?  Consoling myself by thinking that I
didn't need his help anyway I pressed my pants and shined my shoes.
	I actually passed inspection without a demerit, of course I didn't
get a compliment either but at least I didn't have to write a paper.  I was
so elated that I almost didn't notice that Scott didn't join me for lunch.
Tori did and we talked.  She told me that Joe Brennan had been making some
passes at her but she had turned him down yet again. I asked her when I was
going to meet Elliot and she told me that I was just going to have to wait
until the Valentines formal.  Plans were made and flowers were bought and
suddenly the Valentines formal was upon us.  I hadn't seen Scott in an
entire week except for twice at lunch time.  He was always distracted and I
never got a chance to talk to him, he also wouldn't return my phone calls.
I was convinced that I had offended him some how, but how could I apologize
if I never got more than thirty seconds with him?  I decided that I would
somehow make things right after the formal but until then I would try to
enjoy myself.  Emma arrived at my house around five and she looked
beautiful.  She was dressed in a red satin gown that framed her formidable
figure nicely.  She had her brown hair done up on the top of her head along
with some red flowers with only a few strands hanging down.  It was a very
lovely combination and I felt a sort of pride that she was going out with
me.  She came up and kissed me lightly on my lips and then we headed to the
backyard.  Elliot had already arrived and he and Tori were taking pictures
already.  I had just gotten the chance to meet Elliot and so far I liked
him.  He was tall and slender with dark hair and thin wire frame glasses.
However he was anything but dorky.  His piercing blue eyes added to his
maturity and made him seem masculine in a refined way.  He was friendly
with me, and his voice had a warm tone to it.  Actually I looked at him and
saw the person I wanted to be: tall, mature and successful.  By successful
I mean that he had already been accepted to Rice University with some sort
of scholarship.
	After pictures we entered different cars, I got my parents sedan
since Elliot already owned his own car, and we went our separate ways; we
were sure to meet up again at the formal.  Emma and I met up with Luther
and Melodie at an Italian restaurant.  It was a pleasant evening and
Melodie turned out to be a sweet girl.  My fears that Luther was going to
do something unbecoming were assuaged when we were in the mens room.
Apparently he didn't think she was the one who was writing the notes.  Of
course that meant that Luther was confident that he wasn't going to need
them.  Luther was such a gentleman.
	I had some sort of alfredo with chicken that sank to the bottom of
my stomach like a pair of cement boots in the Hudson River, but everyone
else's meals were satisfactory.  After dinner we headed over to the school
for the dance.  It was someones bright idea to do a `retro-theme' or
something so when we arrived 70's music was blasting from the gym.  We all
ran in and started dancing to `jungle boogie'.  It was fun.
	There were the usual amount of drunks and such, but nothing
exciting happened until Joe Brennan tried to get a little too familiar with
his date out on the dance floor.  He kept reaching up her skirt and she
kept protesting.  This kept escalating until he finally grabbed her and
ripped one of her dress straps.  Everyone tried to pretend not to notice
but they were all watching.  Something about that pissed me off and I
started walking towards Joe until I felt a hand on my shoulder.  It was
Elliot.
	"Here Jared, let me handle this" was all he said.  I remained where
I was and watched as Elliot walked up to Joe and confronted him.  There was
a collective intake of breath as words were exchanged.  Joe and Elliot were
about the same height but for some reason Elliot seemed to tower over him.
For a terrible moment I thought that they were going to fight.  But then I
guess Joe decided it wasn't worth it and just stomped off.  He stumbled a
bit by the door, but I guess that was because he was really drunk.
	Tori came over and helped Joe's date up and Elliot put his jacket
around her.  Then, almost as if on cue, the DJ started playing YMCA and
everyone started dancing like nothing had happened.  I was insanely
impressed with Elliot though.  I turned around to see where Emma was and
then I ran over to her.
	"Did you see that?" I asked.
	"That Elliot sure is something, but you Jared," she said with a
dazzling smile, "you were going to walk over there and try to do something
weren't you?"
	"Yeah," I said, fumbling around trying to think of something.
	"It's ok," she stood on her toes and whispered in my ear, "I'm
proud of you!" and then, before I could react she kissed me.  Right in the
middle of the dance floor while everyone else was dancing to the village
people.  However it wasn't one of her short kisses, it was one of those
long face-sucking kisses where she stuck her tongue down my throat.  I
didn't react at first because I was so shocked, but then I figured that I
should probably kiss her back because I didn't want to look retarded in
front of everyone.  The kisses still felt weird though, kind of wet and
clammy.  So I returned the smooch and waited for it to gradually die and
for her to disengage.
	Then she did something, she had never done before.  She slid her
hand up my thigh and grabbed my crotch.  I was so surprised I opened my
eyes, which had previously been shut.  And out of the corner of my eye
guess who I should see but Scott!  I made eye contact with him for one
second but then he ran out of the gym.  I tried to follow him, but my face
was still attached to Emma's.  Quickly I disengaged.
	"Emma, I gotta go, I'll be right back, I promise!" I said
hurriedly.
	"Ok" she said, but she gave my crotch another squeeze before she
let go, "I'll be waiting".
	I ran into the foyer area but he wasn't there.  I checked the hall
and then I ran outside.  I saw a figure slowly walking towards the parking
lot.
	"Scott!" I called out his name and he slowly turned around.  He
turned and then kept on walking.  I called his name again and ran after
him.  Out of breath I finally caught up to him.
	"Scott, wait a bit" I panted, "I didn't know you were coming?"
	He just smiled slightly at me.  He had that distracted look on his
face again.
	"Look, Scott" I said, trying to take advantage of the opportunity
"What's been going on with you?  I haven't seen you in the last week!  You
don't return my phone calls, you don't talk to me anymore.  It seems like
forever since the camping trip.  You don't," I paused because I was getting
a little emotional "you don't want to be my friend anymore!  Is it
something I did?  Well I'm sorry?"  I sort of whined the last word and I
cringed at bit.
	He looked up at me with these emotion-laden eyes and my heart went
out to him.
	"Jared, I." his voice broke off and he stared at the ground
	"Come on Scott, tell me, what is it?  I'll understand."  I said.
	He gave a little laugh and turned away.  "You can't understand,
just go back to your girlfriend!"
	"Scott!" I screamed after him.  I hurt, why was he not telling me
what was bothering him?  Why didn't he like me anymore?  I didn't run after
him this time I just stood there, watching his back.  "Scott you asshole!"
That of course did not make me feel any better and after standing out in
the night by myself for a couple of minutes I wandered back in to the
dance.  My stomach felt queasy and I was trying to fight back the tears.  I
headed towards the bathroom.  Luther caught up with me and we entered
together.
	"You look a little pale," he said and when I just smiled wanly he
continued "Man, this Melodie chick, she is really digging me!  I think I'm
getting some tonight!"  He took up a position in front of one of the
urinals and I went to the sink and tried to splash some water on my face.
"And you know what?" I managed a weak "what?"  "Emma could not stop talking
about you tonight.  I saw that little feel she copped you out on the dance
floor.  I think tonight, you are going to get your first ever blow-job!"
That did it.  I threw up.  Not just a little bit of spittle, I started
up-chucking copious amounts of Alfredo along with the rest of my
half-digested meal. For some reason the idea really repulsed me.
	Luther grew concerned and asked me if I was all right.  I wasn't of
course and I really couldn't conceal it either.  Luther helped me out and
after apologizing to Emma for being a horrible date I drove home.  She was
more concerned than anything else so I felt better.  By the time that I had
gotten home my parents were already asleep so I crept quietly up the
stairs, brushed my teeth and went to sleep.
	The next morning I called Scott's house in a last attempt to try
and make peace, he wasn't home so I left a futile message.  I gave my
parents the usual BS about having a wonderful time and I didn't tell them
about my upset stomach.  Tori came back later on that day and we talked.
She told me she was officially dating Elliot.  I gave her my blessing
because Elliot was truly a nice guy.  The rest of the weekend passed in a
blur much like the rest of February.
	I didn't talk to Scott for the rest of the month.  I stopped trying
to call him, and he wouldn't even make eye-contact with me in ROTC.  It
hurt, deep down inside me I felt hollow inside and for a while I grew
despondent.  My grades started to slip and I didn't hang out with my other
friends as much.  I would go to school, come home and attempt to do my
homework and then just sit on my bed.  I dreamed of Scott occasionally but
he was never there when I woke up.  Finally I decided that I couldn't go on
living like this and I resolved to work harder and make more of an effort
not to dwell on Scott.  I actually hung out with Elliot every now and then
and we became pretty good friends, but there was always the understanding
that he was my sister's boyfriend more than my friend.
	It was March suddenly and the bluebonnets had erupted all over
Texas.  Almost overnight the landscape grew much brighter with the addition
of thousands of the beautiful wild flower. Finally on a fateful day in
March, everything came to a head.
	My relationship with Emma had suffered as well during my withdrawal
from the world.  It was now at a point where our only interaction was at
school in the hallways between classes.  I didn't seem to notice so I
didn't even see what was coming.  It was a Friday and most of my morning
classes had gone smoothly so I was feeling ok when Emma glided into the
cafeteria and sat down next to me.  She had a troubled look on her face and
even in my dazed state I knew that something was up.
	"What's wrong?" I asked, innocently enough.
	"Jared, I should really be asking you that question.  What's wrong
with you?  Ever since the Valentines formal you have not been yourself.
You won't tell me, you won't tell anyone.  Are you ok?" she asked.
	"Yeah, I'm fine" I said, slightly annoyed.
   	"Well Jared, if that's it.," she took a deep breath "I want to tell
you first that I deeply care about you, and you'll always be a close friend
of mine but I can't go on like this.  If I have a boyfriend I want a
boyfriend who likes me and more than that, wants to be with me." She paused
again, "I'm letting you go Jared, I'm sorry but you won't let me in and
there is nothing else I can do-"
	"You're breaking up with me?" I cut her off.
	"Yes, please say you understand." She pleaded.
	"I can't believe you're breaking up with me." I said, still not
comprehending.
	"Oh Jared-" she reached out to touch my face but I backed away and
stood up.
	"I gotta go," I mumbled and left the cafeteria.  After a moment I
turned and walked back in to see if I could talk with her, but she wasn't
there anymore.  I walked back to my locker in a foggier daze.  She broke up
with me.
	After school I was walking with Luther back to his locker by the
gym.  He was consoling me and I was getting a bit angry that she dumped me.
It was a false anger but it got me in trouble anyway.  We turned the corner
and there was Joe Brennan pushing some kid around, one of his football
cronies was standing a short ways a way.  As fate would have it Joe's
locker was right next to Luther's.
	"Hey!" shouted Luther, "what's going on?"
	Joe turned around, but didn't let go of the kid.  I recognized the
boy, his name was Matt, he was one of the few freshman who had been in the
show.  "Why don't you go mind your business, I gotta teach faggot-boy a
lesson."
	"What?" I shouted.
	"Look Mitler," I guess Joe knew who I was, "Faggot-boy here wrote
me a little love letter and I caught him putting it into my locker, now go
fucking mind your own business!"  His friend took a menacing step towards
us.  I couldn't believe it.  Matt had been sending the love letters to
Luther all along and Joe must have seen him do it. Oh my god!
	Luther must have figured it out too because he started to shout at
Joe
	"Look Joe, the letter was meant for me not you, leave the kid
alone!"
	"What, are you a fag too?" and too emphasize his point he slammed
Matt into a set of lockers.  This was bad. Luther started to back up and he
grabbed my shoulder.
	"Come one, we'll get a teacher or something to stop him"
	But the injustice of it all, why were gay people always persecuted?
combined with my anger over Emma and my despair over Scott caused me to
snap.  And I snapped!
	"Joe, why are you such a pig fucker?" I shouted as I stepped
towards him.  He was so surprised that he stopped pushing Matt and looked
up at me.
	"What did you just say?" he asked. Luther jumped behind me.  "What
are you doing?" he hissed.  I just ignored him.
	"What are you deaf? I said `why are you such a pig fucker?' You
fuck pork!  Do you understand now?"  I could hear Luther swear behind me.
	Joe started walking menacingly towards me.  "You better run now
Mitler before I beat the shit out of you."  I should have run then, Matt
was free and he had run down the other end of the hall, but for some
reason, when I start talking shit I just can't stop.
	"Big words from a pig fucker!  But I guess you are what you fuck,
right Piggy!?!"
	He stopped two feet in front of me almost physically stunned that I
had called him Piggy.
	"No one calls me Pigg-" I punched him in mid sentence.  One to the
gut, my favorite sucker punch and then another quick one to the nose.  He
stepped back reeling.  What was that saying about bullies?  Once you punch
them in the nose, it is supposed to be all over.  Like they're supposed to
start crying or something?  Sadly for me this was not the case.
	He lunged for me and slammed me up against a locker.  My head hit
and made a loud thud, and my vision swam from the impact.  He made to swing
at me again but I managed to dodge just in time.  He was about as clumsy a
fighter as I was, unfortunately he was about twenty times stronger than I
was.  I went to jab him in the kidney and I connected.  As I swung I got a
chance to look at the crowd that had gathered around to watch the fight, I
didn't recognize any of them, but I swore I heard my sisters voice. Then I
heard Joe grunt from the blow and I felt good!  All my latent aggression
and confusion were finally being released.  I punched him in the face again
and he grabbed me and threw against the locker again.  Then he slammed his
fist into my gut.  I couldn't breathe and I started choking loudly. This
time I really felt dazed.  Joe backed away a few steps.  "Stop it Mitler,
just stop it!"  Blood was leaking from his nose and there was this weird
look in his eyes.  Was he frightened?  Could he actually be scared.  I
couldn't believe it but it just made me want to hurt him even more.
"What's the matter Piggy?  Scared?" I tried to move forward, but I lost my
balance and fell back against the locker.  "Just shut the fuck up! Shit!"
Wait, maybe he was scared because I started to slide down the locker
because my legs weren't supporting me.  "That's enough!" said a different
voice.  "Brennan, you go directly to Coach Evans and tell him what
happened, then you tell him that I want to talk to him.  Do you
understand?"  "But, shit Mr-" Joe was interrupted again "Now Brennan!"  He
left at a run.
	I looked up to see Luther and my suspicions were confirmed, Colonel
Jones.  My first thought was about how much trouble I was in, the second
was wondering how Luther could have betrayed me like that.  Colonel Jones
bent over and helped me up.  All the blood rushed to my head and I started
to swoon.  Luther rushed to hold me up on my other arm.
	"All right everyone, it's all over, you're dismissed." No one
wanted to argue with the Colonel and the crowd dispersed quickly.  He
addressed me, "How do you feel Jared?" Colonel Jones never called me by my
first name before.
	"I'm ok sir, just a little woozy" I said
	"Well then, go to the nurse and get cleaned up.  When you are
feeling ok I want to talk to you so stop by office later today.  Maybe your
friend will help you there" He looked at Luther and Luther just nodded.
"Good, I will see you soon Cadet."  He nodded and turned to leave.
	Luther helped me walk to the nurse.  Walking helped and I didn't
feel so woozy anymore, but my face and my head really ached.  I don't even
remember getting hit in the face.
	"Damn that was something.  No one has ever messed with Joe, except
maybe Elliot, but that don't count. And you called him Piggy!  I can't
believe it!"  I started to smile while Luther was talking, "Course, he did
sure knock the shit out of you.  Are you all right?"
	"Yeah, I'm fine, just a little dizzy that's all" Thanks Luther, way
to make a guy feel good about himself.
	The nurse checked me out.  My head was killing me, I had such a
massive headache.  I wasn't bleeding anywhere but I was still having a
little trouble breathing.  She made me wash my face and then she gave two
Tylenol for the pain.  She also told me to take it easy.  She didn't even
ask how I got to be in this condition.
	Luther after making sure that I was ok, and that I would have no
trouble getting home had to leave, he had a dentist appointment or
something.  So, achy and alone I made my way to Colonel Jones' office.
	When I entered he was writing something.  His office was rather
dark with just the desk lamp on.  There were various different pictures and
awards up on the walls but everything was muted and subtle in the soft
yellow light.  He stood up and bade me to sit down.  He still had his
uniform on but seeing him writing on his desk made him look.  more human.
Was that possible?
	"Well Cadet Mitler, to hear it the way Mr. Brennan told Coach Evans
you apparently provoked him without cause and attacked him."  He raised his
hand to stop my protest.  "It's ok Cadet, suffice to say, no one believes
Mr. Brennan, however I am interested in why you were brawling with him, I
didn't think fistfights were part of your character."
	So he sat and listened impassively while I related my story. I
found it hard to be articulate under his gaze.  He had this very piercing
stare that made me feel vulnerable, so I dispensed with the embellishments
and kept close to the truth.  Gradually I fumbled to the end and then just
stared at my hands for a while.  There was a long awkward pause.  Finally
he stood up and spoke: "Well cadet, in general I can't say I condone
violence.  One of the first things I hope my cadets understand about the
Air Force and the military as a whole, is that our responsibility is to
defend our nation.  We are a defensive organization.  The use of force, by
any branch, is only the last measure after all other alternatives have been
attempted in a given scenario." A pause.  "That said, I must also recall
that this nation that we are sworn to defend is a unique country which
guarantees freedom and the pursuit of happiness.  These are rights that men
like Grant, Pershing and Patton dedicated their lives to
protecting. Because there are times when those rights are threatened.  Men
like Hitler and Saddam Hussein would deny these rights.  Those are the
times that we must take a stand to protect that which we value." Another
pause.  "Cadet Mitler, I am damned impressed with you.  You disregared any
personal danger and took a stand against what you saw was injustice.
Especially the way I understand this freshman to be smitten with your
friend, it took a lot of balls." He paused and his look intensified "I am
not about to make any sort of moral judgement, but `To each his own' and
`To thine own self be true' have always been my policies, everyone should
be allowed to pursue their own `happiness'.  There are always going to be
bullies and ignoramuses like Joseph Brennan out there, but hopefully there
will be people of your calibre around as well."  With that he sat down and
there was some more silence.  I must say I was a bit stunned.  I can't
believe he said he was impressed with me along with all the patriotic
stuff.  And Patton? What was with military men and their love affair with
him? My father had a crush on him as well.  Did he also mention that he
didn't care that Matt was gay?  But what about Don't ask don't' tell?  I
was confused but I could almost swear he was telling me it was ok to be
gay.  But then again I probably just read too much into that one.  I
suddenly wanted to ask him about all the demerits and all the shit that he
had given me during the past semester.  "Sir-" I blurted out and then
stopped.  I was afraid I might spoil the moment. "- thank you."  He started
writing again so I got up to leave.  "Don't worry about your incident with
Brennan, I am sure the principal will see things my way." He said.  "Thanks
Colonel Jones, Have a good weekend."  I opened the door and was closing it
when he looked up from his desk.  "You too, oh and Cadet, please recall
that there is an inspection scheduled for Monday.  See to it that you are
prepared."  He began writing again.  I silently closed the door.  Back at
home I took a nap before dinner.  Apparently Tori had filled my parents in
on what happened while I was asleep.  But I didn't get lectured much, from
the expression of pride glowing on both their faces I could tell Tori had
put a good spin on it.  Dad did tell me I should be careful though: "-you
never know when someone is going to pull a switchblade or a gun on you."  I
told him I would try to remember.  After dinner I didn't feel like hanging
around so I told my parents I was going for a walk.  Tori caught me on the
door step.  "Hey Jar, we haven't really gotten a chance to talk much lately
but I've noticed somethings been bugging you.  Anything you want to tell
me?" she asked.  "Nah, I just want to go think some things through, but
lately I have just been concentrating on school work and stuff." I was
lying, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone, even my own sister.
"Well," she started " I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you for what
you did.  Elliot was pretty impressed too."  `I'll probably be walking on
the golf course if you want to join me later." I said.  She nodded and
closed the door.  Wow, so Elliot was impressed as well?  I started to smile
but then I stopped.  If everyone was so damned impressed, why the hell
didn't they stand up to Joe?  Well, Elliot did stand up to him back in
February but I mean . its not as if nobody knew that Joe was a bully.
Didn't anyone care?  Why did it have to be me or rather why did it have to
be anyone?  If everyone had put Joe in his place earlier maybe he wouldn't
feel like he could get away with being a jerk.  Besides, I had to remind
myself, its not as if actually put Joe in his place.  I actually kind of
lost the fight.  I began to wonder if I would get flak from anyone about
getting the shit beaten out of me.  My head started throbbing again, but by
then I had arrived.  The golf course stretched before me like a Dali
painting, all curves and fantastical images.  It was a full moon and the
landscaping took on a magical look with the trees and the grass different
muted shades of silver and grey.  I headed towards my favorite hole, number
9.  It was an elevated tee and on one side was great place to sit and lean
against the grass.  Number 9 was in a secluded corner of the course and was
cloaked with live oaks but also afforded a great view of the rest of the
neighborhood.  I lay down and stared up at the moon. My thoughts drifted
back over the various events of the day.  I turned them over in my mind, I
was still surprised with Colonel Jones and Emma.  I didn't really resolve
anything in my mind, but it was nice to have some quiet time to think.  I
was beginning to drift off when I hear footsteps behind me in the grass.
Thinking it was Tori, I turned and my breath caught in my throat.  There
standing before me, looking all silvery and ethereal was Scott.  "Hi" he
said.  "Hi" I gulped.  "Tori, um, told me where you were. I wasn't around
school this afternoon but I heard what happened and I uh, just wanted see
if you were ok."  He stopped.  "Well, yeah, I'm doing ok . hurts a little
but here" I patted the grass next to me, "why don't you take a seat?"
"Thanks," he sat down, "So where did he get you?"  "Here, and here" I said
pointing to different places.  "You do look a bit puffy," he said eyeing
me.  He touched the back of my head gently and when I winced he winced in
sympathy.  I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. Then he looked away.
"So, why did you fight him?" he asked.  "Why?"  Funny, no one had asked me
why.  "Well, I really just don't get Joe..  I hate bullies.  I mean, Joe
has got a lot going for him, he's popular, he plays football and I hear his
family is fairly wealthy.  What is he lacking that he can get out of
pushing other people around?  Is it just because he is a big guy? So I
wanted to stand up to him.  I liked the image of me opposing the oppressor,
sort of like Michael J. Fox from Back to the Future.  You know."  I
stopped, my words were sounding hollow in my ears. It had been a long day
and I was tired.  I was tired of so many things but mostly I was tired of
myself.  Tired of my lies.  "No, no that's not it." I took a deep breath
and decided to let it out "I'm really just a coward, there are a lot of
times when I walk past someone getting picked on.  I pretend that I don't
notice or something.  I certainly didn't' punch Joe because I felt I had
some moral responsibility.  I really just . identified with Matt.  What is
so wrong about writing love letters to. to another guy?" There I said
it. "How is it anyones business?  Least of all Joes. I don't care if he has
some stupid opinion about it, fuck him!" I took another breath, "I could
just imagine how Matt felt right at that moment when Joe read the letter.
Scared and alone and mortified.  What if that had been me?  It could have
been.  Would there have been somebody to stand up for me?  Probably not,
but I'll be damned to let that happen to someone else.  And no one else
would have done anything!  That's what pisses me off the most, Luther was
there and he didn't stop it, Joe's football buddy was there and he didn't'
do anything.  How is it ok to let some kid get bashed for being gay?  It
isn't ok, it's wrong! And no one cares!"  I felt a tear slide down my
cheek.  Embarrassed, I wiped it off on my hand and looked down.  "So that's
it, that's-" I sniffled a bit, "why I fought him." I could feel that
emotional lump creeping up my throat so I shut up for a bit to sort of calm
down.  Finally it hit me that Scott was really sitting next to me.  "Scott,
why did come here?" I finally asked.  "Jared, I want to ask you to forgive
me. I've been a real jerk lately.  But I want you to know that I care about
you.  When I heard that you got into a fight with Joe Brennan it was like a
slap in the face.  It made me realise that you could've been really hurt or
something and got me to thinking.  I guess I always thought that I would
have time to work things out and stuff.  But you never really know, do you?
I could get hit by a car tomorrow and never have a chance to tell you." He
paused "It's funny because I always hated my Dad because he never made
amends with my brother.  He lost my mom forever and he should know better
but he still can't call up Chad and tell him how proud he is of him and how
much he loves him.  I swore that would never be me." He gave a short
cynical laugh, "Today I realized that I have been acting just like my
father.  When I saw you kissing Emma, I froze.  It wasn't even jealousy.  I
didn't know how to react, I kept trying to tell you but I would freeze . so
eventually I closed up and I tried to forget you.  I have been so stupid."
He had been talking to the golf course, but now he looked at me.  "Jared,
you're the best thing in my life and have been for a while and I want you
to know that." He grabbed one of my hands with both of his, " I love you."
	Silence.
	He loves me?  I threw my arms around him.  I felt the warmth of his
body.  I felt his arms tremble as they slowly enclosed me and I felt them
grip me close to him.  I relaxed into him.  I put my arm around his neck
and stroked the back of his head.  His hair felt silky in my fingers.  I
put my lips to ear and whispered:
 	"I love you too Scott"
	We sat like that for a while with me shifting a bit to be
comfortable.  I felt so wonderfully peaceful there in his arms.  His hands
gently roamed around, carressing my face and brushing my arms.  There
wasn't a sound except the exhalation of breath and the whisper of the wind.
Abruptly he sat up and cocked his head.
	"Do you hear that?" he asked.
	"What?" I said.
	"Shhh!" he put his finger on my lips and stood up.  As I strained
to listen he started humming softly.  He was humming a familiar rhythm. He
turned to me and smiled.
	"May I have this dance?"
	I nodded and followed him up to the tee.  There under the moon
light, in the middle of the golf course we danced a fox-trot.  We did the
open conversation, a promenade and of course several under-arm turns.  He
led and I followed, always keeping time to the tune that he was humming. A
bit awkward at first we finally got used to each others rhythm and soon we
were gliding over the green.  The entire time he kept his beautiful
charming smile constant.  Eventually the feelings in my heart exploded
outwards and I crashed my mouth into his.  His lips were warm and
soft. Tenderly, I embraced him as I felt his velvety tongue tentatively
brush my lips.  We just stood there for a while exploring this new physical
intimacy.
	When I withdrew I looked into his eyes and took his hand in mine.
It was funny, just before we turned for home a butterfly flew out of the
night and lighted on my shoulder.  It stayed only briefly and then
fluttered away on silvery wings.  We walked back to my house in silence.
Every now and then I would look over at him and he would smile back.  Once
again the moonlight had put a spell on me, us; but this time it wasn't
broken.

	Back home, Tori and my parents were asleep.  Hand in hand Scott and
I crept up the stairs to my room.  My heart was beating rapidly as I closed
the door behind me.  I stared at Scott in front of me and hesitated.
Luckily he made the first move.  He embraced me roughly and kissed me
again.  But it wasn't like the first kiss, it was forceful and needful and
it ignited the flame of passion within me. It. well it made me as horny as
hell is what it did.  The blood started rushing all over my body and I felt
HOT!  My faced flushed.
	Lustful, I crushed my body back against his, I needed to feel his
heat.  His hands gripped my head and pulled me into a deeper kiss.  Our
bodies smashed against each other, the fabric creating a rough friction
that only turned me on more.  He started leaning against me as his hands
stroked my shoulder blades and back.  I of course lost my balance and fell
backwards.  Luckily the bed was behind me.  Our passion subsided but only
for a moment.  Scott looming above me like a dimly lit statue paused to
look at me, as if he was just then realising what we were doing.  Then he
smiled slightly and slowly sat down by my feet on the bed.  I sat up on my
elbows to look at him.  With fluid grace he reached down to his shirt hem
and with one quick movement stripped his shirt off.  His pale skin
reflected like silver in the moonlight and the shadows outlined his
musculature, accentuating his chest and abdomen.  His nipples were taut and
raised.  I slowly reached my hand out to him.  I was in a slightly awkward
position so I had to balance carefully.  I placed my palm on the center of
his chest, his skin was warm and a bit moist from the excitement and there
underneath and beating strongly was his heart.  I smiled.
	Then, the lust returned and he dove atop of me and ripped my shirt
off.  We kissed and groped in a frenetic frenzy, each of us desperate for
the other.  This orgy of touch continued long into the night with one hand
finally snaking its way down someones pants; at which we crossed the point
of no return.  Eventually, after the explosion of hormones and the cleanup
of the messy aftermath I fell asleep.  I was too tired to really think
about the days crazy events.  Indeed my last thoughts were hopes that my
snore would not awaken Scott.

	It was Monday and I was having a good day.  My first class went
fine; German, what a great class, English was next.  That went fine as
well.  Even Trig was great, I got a 95 on my quiz.  But then it was time
for ROTC.  I was prepared though and my uniform was the most immaculate it
was ever going to be.  We all lined up.  Colonel Jones slowly went down the
line inspecting each cadet. Eventually he appeared in front of me.
	"Good morning Cadet Mitler" he said.
	"Morning, sir," was my reply.  He stood in front me for a very,
very long time.  He inspected my pants, my shoes, my epaulets and every
other seemingly inconsequential aspect of my uniform.  Finally he looked
into my eye and saluted me.  I saluted back.  "Looking sharp, Cadet." He
said "Thank you, sir!" I smiled.  Things were finally starting to go my
way.  And there, after class, to share in my triumph were my sister and my
wonderful boyfriend!

Things continued to go my way.  I finished off the last quarter of school
with almost straight A's (except Trig).  Luther and I became even better
friends.  He continued to date that girl Melodie and it really developed
into something special.  And although I befriended Matt, Luther and I never
talked about the incident with him again.  I think it was something he just
didn't want to think about and while Scott and Luther hit it off will I
never told him about my relationship with Scott.  Brennan of course
continued to be an asshole though he did keep his distance from me and
didn't harass Matt again.  Apparently he really was a talent on the
football field because I heard he got a scholarship to play football for
UT.  It pissed me off but I decided not to waste any energy on it.  Emma
and I started talking the very next week.  It began with me apologizing for
being a real jerk to her.  As always Emma was forgiving and soon we became
friends again.  By the time summer came along, I could even say we were
close.  I started sharing my life with Tori again and we were as we had
always been, best friends.  She dated Elliot throughout the school year
however after she got accepted to Rice but chose Stanford the relationship
got a little less serious.  And Scott?  Well, we had a glorious three
months together.  I think the fact we both knew that I was moving in the
future made us appreciate each other even more.  We were more forgiving to
each other and seldom got into real arguments over disagreements.  We went
on dates to Barton Springs, San Antonio and other places.  We watched
movies, went hiking and of course `studied' together.  But finally, as all
good things do, it came to an end.  My father got orders in June and was
assigned to TACOM in Warren, Michigan.  So, on a hot, muggy June afternoon
I said goodbye to Scott and headed north to Michigan and another new
beginning.  And Texas, that big sweltering state, filled with
`ultra-religious, football worshipping, close-minded jerks' kept my heart,
which it had stolen in a night of moonfall.

The End.

(There, and if anyone died, it was only in the victorian sense of the word ?
Comments and criticisms are welcome, thanx 
- Morpheus