Date: Fri, 09 Jun 2000 14:47:08 EDT From: Roman Genesis <romangenesis@hotmail.com> Subject: The Dreamer - Chapter 9 ------------------------------------ About this story: This is my first try at putting a story up on this nifty web site. Please Email me at Romangenesis@hotmail.com with your reaction to this story and any questions or comments you have. Special thanks to all of you who have written. It makes my writing seem worthwhile. So now, without further ado, the conclusion you've all been waiting for... ------------------------------------- The Dreamer - Chapter 9 I had no idea where I was going. I was a crazed animal, running for my life. People cursed as I crashed into them and kept on going. I wasn't about to stop though. I could feel the fox's fangs right behind me. He's a fucking fag. I kept hearing Justin's words in my head, banging around, diminishing me with every rebound. I ran out of the school and through the parking lot. I could feel the eyes on me, burning me. I couldn't concentrate. Visions began flashing through my head. I saw Steve and Tina and Michelle and my parents. I hated them all at that moment and pushed them from my mind. I ran and I ran. Every step took me farther from Justin and farther from hell. I could hear voices in my head, each one screaming for my attention. I ignored them all. Nothing made sense. Justin really hadn't remembered the beach and I was pretty sure he didn't remember our encounter the day I followed him either. Was I crazy? Had I imagined the whole thing? Every time I had talked to him except at the store, we had been alone. The more I thought about it, the more sure I became. I had imagined the whole thing. It had been a figment of my imagination. I remembered running to the school bathroom the first day he came into my life. That was the first time the line between fantasy and reality had blurred. My legs burned as I continued to run and I felt like my heart was going to explode. I didn't care though. I continued to run just the same. I would have been lucky if my heart had exploded. I had nothing else to live for. All the hate and confusion in this world began to make perfect sense. Murderers and dictators knew what this world was about. For so long this world had been alien to me because I never understood the complete and utter pointlessness of it. I thought I was going to be sick. I saw that I was coming to an intersection, but I didn't slow down. I welcomed a head on collision with a car. I darted across the road and I heard tires screech and horns blow. I ignored them all. They meant nothing to me. Everyone should die. The voices in my head continued to yell and scream. With every step they screamed louder. Sweat was pouring down my face and I was gasping for air. I ran through my neighborhood and finally collapsed on my front porch. No one was home so I laid there by the door crying uncontrollably. I didn't even have the strength to open the door. The whole school thought I was gay now. I was sure Justin would tell everyone, and if he didn't Shannon would. I hated them both. I wanted to take a knife to both of them and smear their blood across my face as war paint. I wanted the whole world to hit bottom. I finally went inside and went straight for my parent's bedroom. I figured they owned a gun and it was hidden in their closet somewhere. I pulled open the closet doors and began ripping out clothes and boxes. I didn't care what kind of mess I made. I just wanted to blow a hole through my head and paint the walls with my brains. I wanted the voices to stop screaming. I threw all their shit across the room, but there was no gun. Not so much as a knife. I collapsed in defeat on my parents bed. I could have gone and got a kitchen knife, but the chance that I would live was to great. This was no cry for help. I wanted to be dead. I began to cry uncontrollably again, burying my face into the pillow. I lifted my head up and realized there was someone else in the room with me. I turned around and saw Justin sitting in the chair by my father's desk watching me. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw him. "Get the fuck away from me," I screamed, sitting up on the bed. "Alex, I'm so sorry about what that boy did to you today," he said, the sympathy in his voice so real it gave me chills. I was getting hysterical. "Just get away from me," I sobbed. "Get out of my fucking head." This guy was a figment of my imagination. I really was going crazy. "Alex," he said getting up out of the chair. "If you want real happiness, you're going to have to find it for yourself and not wait for someone to hand it to you. Not Justin and not Steve." I put my head back down into the pillow and tried to get him out of my head. "Get out, get out, get out," I kept muttering. "You can't continue to lie to yourself anymore," I heard him say. "Only through love can we face the future." I felt him sit down on the bed and I jumped up and away from him. "Why are you doing this to me?" I screamed. Suddenly, the door to the bedroom opened and my mom walked in. "What the hell is going on?" She looked around at the mess I had made. I looked back at the bed. Justin had vanished. I was panting, a caged animal. My life was falling down around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My mother looked at me for a second, awaiting a response when she noticed the tears rolling down my face. I probably looked like shit. "Oh my god," she muttered. "Are you all right?" I couldn't stand it anymore. I ran past her and out of the house. I had no idea where I was going. I just wanted to get away, the farther the better. I ran down the road and into the next neighborhood. I was guided by something and I didn't know what it was. The voices were screaming again. Suddenly, I was in front of Steve's house. It didn't look like anyone was home, but I walked up to the door anyway and just stood there. I must have been crazy for coming here, but I didn't know where else to turn. Slowly, I reached over to the doorbell and rang it. For a while there was no answer and my hopes came crashing down. Here I was again depending on other people for my happiness. The fake Justin had been right. Then, the door opened and Steve was standing there. He looked like I had just waken him up and he was only wearing shorts. "Oh my god," he said when he saw me. "What happened?" My heart broke when he said this and I broke down crying again. He came outside and put his arm around me and led me inside. "I didn't know where else to go," I said. "It's fine," he said, leading me into the family room. "Here, have a seat." I sat down on the couch and put my face in my hands. I hated crying in front of other people, especially Steve. "I'll be right back," Steve said and he ran off. I sat there for a while, trying to get myself under control. I finally had the chance to look around and saw that the place was just as big on the inside as it looked on the outside. It had giant vaulted ceilings and skylights that brought rays of sunlight into the main room here. He came back into the room with a glass of water for me. "Here, drink this." I took the glass from him and drank part of it and set it down. Here Steve was, treating me like this after everything I had done to him. I began to cry again. He sat down beside me and placed his arm around me and I leaned into him. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. I shook my head slowly. I didn't even want to think about Justin. Either one of them. I laid there against Steve for a long time, just feeling his bare chest rise and fall with each breath. He was so kind not to press the issue. I felt he deserved an explanation. "I'm an awful person," I started to say, but couldn't talk through my sobs. "It's all right now," he said and ran his fingers over my ear and through my hair. Something about this just seemed so peaceful and right. His serenity and calmness was rubbing off on me and my mind was settling down a little bit. My thoughts were still racing a thousand miles a second though. What was I going to do when I went back to school? How could I face anyone ever again? The voices in my head continued to scream. Something else, besides everything that had happened, was wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it. Something inside me felt numb. I began to think about the past few days and everything that had happened. I had been cruel to Michelle and Steve and Tina and Tim. I had hated the people who were good at living. They possessed some quality that I lacked. My whole life I had wanted to be powerful and change the world, but I had gone about it the completely wrong way. We all have the ability to change the world. The thing that really matters is how we do it. Laying there, with my head in Steve's chest, I thought of Hitler's wonder when he first realized he could change the world through hate and I thought of Martin Luther King Jr.'s wonder when he first realized he could change the world through love. We all fought in this universal struggle between love and hate, good and evil. The decision was our own and we controlled our fate. I was a small piece of that struggle. It was my hopes and dreams that would decide: salvation or the end of an evil human race. I began to think about something the fake Justin had told me. He told me that my behavior has been a direct result of my self loathing. I hadn't believed him at the time, but it was starting me make sense. I had hated his thing inside me, this thing that had been attracted to Steve. I had hated it for so long and this hate caused me to be cruel to everyone around me. This feeling had been hidden, deep down in the recesses of my mind and that's where I had been for all those years, buried alive under the veil of my own lies. It was the part of my mind that was only allowed out at the height of my darkest fantasies. No longer could I contain the lie and curse this existence. Suddenly, I realized what I had to do. I reached up and pulled Steve's head down and brought my lips to his, and as I did, the voices that had been screaming in my head began to sing together in a noble soliloquy. I loved Steve so much at that moment and I never wanted to let him go. Time itself stopped moving and everything in the universe fell into place. The truth was upon me and my life would never be the same. Somewhere in the heavens my star began to shine. THE END --------------------------------------------------- I hope you all enjoyed my story of personal discovery and growth as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please email me at RomanGenesis@hotmail.com with your reaction to the entire story "The Dreamer." I have many more stories to tell and hopefully you'll see more stories by me on Nifty in the future. Thanks again to everyone who has written. Peace out. PS- Don't be afraid to let your star shine. Together we can change the world!