Date: Mon, 13 Nov 2000 07:09:30 -0800 (PST) From: Juan Dela UB <ubq2s@yahoo.com> Subject: "The Journal (Chris)" Hey... uh this is the First time I've ever tried this and to tell you the truth it's nerve wrecking. Actually this has already been a full year in the making only I got too lazy to do the actual writing.. hehehe so anyway after some free time, I've finally decided to send this thing in.. I know it may get a bit too boring or or crappy or what but anyway, this is my little 'thank you' to all the writers of this genre out there. I'm not the most vocal of your admirers, but you guys are the best. Comments r welcome @ ubq2s@yahoo.com The Journal (Chris) 10:30 AM Tues, Chris The ringing of the bell startles me and wakes me up. "Wha... huh" I mutter while everyone scampers out of the room. Realizing that I've slept through most of the lecture, I collect my advanced trig book and I file out quickly with the rest of my class. I'm not a morning person. I never was nor do I suspect I'll ever be. You see I've always been like this. It roots all the way back to when i was still in Manila. I used to often sleep past 2:00 AM and I'd have to wake up some 2-3 hours later to catch my bus to school, which was a whole city away. I guess you could say I brought it with me when my father moved me here with him. Even though I live closer to school, I still sleep roughly only 2-3 hours.. I just stay up till 4 in the morning instead. And, as always, I catch up with my lost shut-eye during classes. As I wander around the corridor aimlessly trying to remember what class I have next, I feel a slight tugging at my back and I crane my neck over my shoulder to see what snagged my shirt. Through a somewhat hazy and blurred perception I recognized Alec pulling my collar. "Whoa boy!" she hollered, even if honestly she didn't have to. She had this annoying tendency to be 'somewhat' loud. That's the way we were introduced during my first year here at Wesley High, and after a few minutes of meeting her, I understood just how much of an understatement that 'somewhat' was. She was giddy and upbeat and most of all noisy. At first you'd find her extremely irritating but after a few days of being with her, my irritation seemed to wan and she became more endearing by the day. At least the voice does her some good being a cheerleader and all. She has long cascading blonde curls and a pretty face, standing half a quarter of a foot or so above me. "Stop shouting" I scold her while scratching my ears just to see if they were still safely in place. "Let go of my shirt, it's new" "Oops, sorry" comes her reply while immediately letting me go. "Where are you going? Don't you remember? You have an early lunch period every Tuesday" she adds, dusting off my shoulder as if that would make the deformed shirt all right. Oh God. Was I THAT out of it? I really can't think straight, I've been a sophomore for a couple of months already and I still can't remember when my lunch periods are. "Oh... yeah... uhm..." I stutter trying to organize my thoughts into a comprehendible sentence. "Sigh... I forgot, wait, i'll just um... put my stuff in my locker and I'll follow you to the caf, kay?" "Sure" 10:38 AM Tues, Alec Damn that boy... hehehe, it's the nth time i've caught him like that.. Walking around in circles aimlessly trying to figure out where he's going. For a guy who's as supposedly smart as he is, he can sure look really stupid. Taking two steps at a time I rush down the flight of stairs trying to squeeze though the people moving from floor to floor. They really should add more staircases or maybe they should transfer half the population of this school out of here. Duh... how would I know... as long as they fix this horrid mess. It always pisses me off: this shoving and pushing and shoulder-arm-chest rubbing with the entire student body - ewww. Eventually I finally end up at cafeteria. Mark is the only guy sitting at our table and, cheerfully, i greet him good morning with an added enthusiastic waving of my hand... uhm arm.. whatever. "Hey Alec!" he gestures back, while giving me one of those trademark smiles. You know, the kind that makes a girl weak in the knees, smiles that would normally make you feel like you're on cloud nine or at least somewhere approximately around that area. He showed his gleaming white teeth and the slightly mischievous twinkle in his eye. It would make any girl swoon; any girl outside our clique that is. Most people know that even though we're not the most popular clique, we still weigh in quite heavily (we're second after those snooty preps). We're also very er... how do I say this... well rounded. We have jocks, cheerleaders, some preps and some loners (well, they're not loners anymore now are they?). Some of us are quiet, some are outgoing, some are brainy, some are rich, some others are not so rich... to make things short, people have no idea as to why we're a clique since there's no apparent common trait to us all. Except for one little detail they often overlook. We're all gay. Okaaay.. now don't freak out on me. You see this isn't anything like a GSA or some freak club or what, truth is, out of all of us, only one is out to the school. The rest however, have different reasons for keeping themselves in the closet. But we all rely on each other and enjoy the company these people provide. Kewl ryte? Anywaaay... "Where's Chris?" "He's just fixing something" "Ahhh... hey... where were you yesterday I didn't see you all day... We talked... we chatted about this and that... about that new replacement math teacher who was a real bitch, about the hot guy across our table and the even hotter chick that was with him... we talked about our weekends and a bevy of other topics - all compounded into a 10 minute chat. That's Mark's magic: he can bring you into a conversation and you'd just get lost with him. You won't get bored - ever. He's fun to be with, and cute to boot. You'll be hard pressed to find a girl who did not like Mark, his slightly tanned complexion, broad shoulders and lithe, sculpted body. He has brown hair, parted at the left side right above his eye, vainly brushed to perfection. With a strong jaw, warm hazel eyes and slightly angular face, he looked strong yet refined. He's a charmer. And another thing.. He's also supposed to be my boyfriend. Yeah, yeah.. he's gay too. DUH. Although not really attached at the moment. He keeps on saying he's waiting for 'the one'. tsk, tsk. A virgin too! Would you believe that? 10:48 AM Tues, Mark Where is Chris? Sheesh, I'm getting bored talking to Alec. "U huh.. really?.. no kidding?" Damn I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. Thank god we're not really hooked. I know she's my friend and all, but I can't stand her rambling about this and that, complaining about practically everything under the sun, telling me confusing anecdotes I can't even follow and her never ending brightness. "Hey Mark!" I heard from the swivelling doors of the cafeteria. I see Chris carrying around his old blue bag slightly beaten up, patched and dirty, not really from of a lack of available bags in good condition (God he's the only guy I know who has more bags than Alec does... I guess it comes from all the travelling) but because of his laziness to fix his stuff, get his things in order, and switch bags... although he does do this occasionally... once in two months I presume. "Where've you been? What took you man?" "I was at my locker fixing stuff... didn't Alec tell you?" Let me explain. Chris' concept of fixing stuff is cramming as much physical matter as he can into his locker. I've actually only seen it once: it was brimming with clothes, shoes, lots of books, a spare bag or two (I told you he had lots of them) and a billion other things i can't identify because of either being foreign to me (he had Shop class and i didn't) or being plainly too messy and scronched up to identify what it actually is. "I'm hungry" Chris said to no one in particular. He then dropped his stuff on the table and left to get some grub at the counter. To someone else it may really seem that Chris had some screws loose (and honestly sometimes i think he does) but if you do get to know him better you'd see a lot more. One of the first things you'd have to know about this guy is he's smart. He's been taking advanced classes ever since he came here. And although he's a real braniac, he's cool. Trust me on that. I have a couple of classes with him even though he's a year below me (he's advanced remember?) and I've never seen a student so repeatedly humiliate a teacher in class. He's always correcting the poor old woman with a kind of tone that I'd guess makes her feel really stupid. And even though I've heard that a lot of teachers hate him vehemently, they can't lay a finger on him because he always gets either the highest or second highest score on a test. Any test. And he does all this without seemingly any effort: he doesn't do any of the homework he's supposed to till the last 3 minutes before a class, he doesn't study and he always sleeps through most of the lectures. He says he got that from his old school, which is supposed to be some special school for the gifted in Manila. Oh yeah I didn't mention it did I? He's come a long way from his old home. A couple of years ago, his parents separated and his dad brought Chris here with him. I know he goes back home every summer to visit his mom. Poor guy, in any case, he's been one of my best buds here, even though we only met each other a year or two ago. "You're always hungry Chris" I banter while he was still just a few paces away. Chris is slightly smaller than I am, he has this boyish look: gentle with just a dab of spunk. He looks like a cute quiet shy boy. But it's not because he's shy that he's quiet, it's just because he normally doesn't give a shit. He's the kind of guy that won't even talk to you if you don't bring up any conversation and he's also painfully frank at times. He actually has the potential to be one of the hottest guys in school if he just wasn't so aloof and reclusive. He has black-brownish hair, the exact color of which we're still trying to figure out. He speaks in a deep yet mellow voice and has stark Asian features. He's tanned but not really dark... a complexion he says he got from playing too much soccer in the hot sun back home. He's not really into sports nor is he in socializing. He has a couple of friends aside from us too and we're the only ones who knows how this guy functions, to the rest of the people in school he's an enigma. He's like this: You talk to him, he talks back - that's the way his social skills are geared. And if you talk to him a lot, he'll talk back to you a lot too. Simple right? Most of the school doesn't think so, they branded him as an asshole and in typical fashion, he "didn't give a shit". "It's sooo boring when we have early lunches" I say to Alec after Chris picks up his ordered plate "Yeah..." "Wait doesn't Mike have lunch this time too?" "No.. Duh, that's tomorrow. Honestly, I can't believe why you've got so many free periods and the rest of us has to suffer... you always have early lunches" "Dunno... maybe it's cause I'm so charming" "Okaaay, you're sure full of yourself today aren't you mister?" "Of course, I always am" I smile at Alec and she looks at me irately muttering Yeah.. Whateverrrr. - "Mark.. man, hey remember the guy I was talking about the other day?" Chris interrupts as he approaches the table again. "What guy...?" "That Patrick guy, the one I have English with" He reminds me. He plops down his slice of cake and pulls a seat beside me. "Oh yeah! why?" "He's there.. at the corner" he said pointing a bit too non discreetly somewhere near the Coke Vending machine. "Stop doing that - oh.. wait I see... ahh damn he IS cute!" "Yup, told you so!" Chris says somewhat excitedly... hmm... Yesterday Chris told me about Patrick while we were at the library supposedly doing research for some chemistry assignment. He's in my Chemistry class and if it wasn't for his company I'd die early of boredom. Anyway, we ended up talking about his newest crush: this Patrick guy. Having never seen Patrick before I guess now I'd have to applaud my friend's good taste. Lemme see... Patrick has straight blonde hair which he has parted in the middle, he's roughly my height... somewhat slim but not to the point of being lanky and yeah, i'd have to say he's kinda sexy. "So what do you think?" "I already said he was cute..." "No.. you know what I'm talking about.. right?" he cuts in. "hmm.. let me think.. I really don't know.. I'll have to take a closer look first" Even though we weren't all publicly out and we had no real contact with the outside gay world, our combined gaydars proved sufficient enough to screen out was straight and more importantly: who wasn't. We know of a couple of teachers and a lot of students. We've figured out total assholes and homophobes to be gay and yes, we've proven it. (all thanks to Ryan, our resident dick tease and confirmer of suspicious beliefs) "And how do you propose to do that?" "Send Ryan" Alec says feeling part of the conversation herself. "I wasn't asking you" came the hasty, agitated reply. "You know.. she is right, Ryan would know for sure.. he has a knack for these things" 4:29 PM Tues, Mike "And as for your assignment.. I'd like you to read chapters..." The teacher says while I tone her out. "Hey Ryan!" I whisper as I tap the back of the person sitting in front of me. "Yeah?" "Mark wanted to meet up with you after school" "Why?" "I don't know why don't you ask him?" "Yeah, whatever dude" Together with Ryan's last statement the bell sprang to life drowning out what I was saying. "Mark says you should meet up with him at the gym" I repeated "he's about done with his PE class by now" With a final remark about the human spleen, which, I guess, was supposed to be funny, the teacher dismissed the class. Grabbing my bag I exit the class with Ryan. 4:31 PM Tues, Ryan Leaving the room I hear Ken call Mike over. I overhear them saying something about going home together or somethin... probably to make out again. Mike's parents are never home. "Hey dude, cya tomorrow" I threw to his back. "Okay" he said not even looking back, just raising his arm as if to acknowledge my saying something. - The school's GYM was empty except for Mark who apparently has been waiting for quite some time already. "You wanted to talk to me? Shoot" Mark stated to get up and called me over. "Well you see" he started "I have this thing I need you to do for me" "Okay, what?" "Need a ride home? Let's just talk in the car." He interjected. "Fine... you're stalling... this must be good. Come on spill." "Don't get all to excited. It's just a favour and it's not sexual." "Aww" As I got into the passenger side of his car, I bugged him again. "Okay here's the deal, I know you really don't normally go for younger guys... " "Aww, you don't know me yet dude." I said. "Yeah... anyway as I was saying, there's this sophomore who we'd like you to uhm... figure out... you know... if he's ahh..." Mark seemed hesitant to finish whatever he wanted to say. "I got ya" I snapped back. "No prob. Only one other thing... who's this 'we'?" "Does it matter?" "Yes, of course it does" I said with a hint of curiosity in my voice. "Me & Chris" Mark replied, barely audible even if they were in the privacy of his car. 5:00 PM Tues, Leo Ding Dong "Coming!" I hear steps trudge down the wooden stairs behind the door. I hear the frantic clicking as the double lock gives way, being nimbly opened on the other side by Chris. Let me introduce myself. I'm Leon Christopher Merryl, I know the surname sounds stupid but really.. did you get a choice when you were born? Didn't think so. I'm 6'1" and I've got platinum blonde hair I wear spiked. I'm 15, I've got a swimmer's build just slightly thinner. (I hope not too much) I like pizza and going out to the movies.. yadda yadda yadda.. you see that's my introductory line to the countless personals I've put up on the web. Pathetic right? And here I am in front of my best friend about to tell him my latest escapade with what I'd consider to be the worst luck I've ever had with those blasted personals. If only I could tell him... how much... I... sigh. I can't really say that Chris and I go a long way back; in fact we've only known each other a whole year. But just after that short time, I feel as if I've known him all my life. Maybe it's because we've told each other about the entire story of our lives or perhaps it's because of the way we just, you know... 'Connected' the day we met. I was the one who introduced Chris to the 'clique'. It was a year ago and about a month or two into the school year. My English class just started and by chance I got the chair next to him. Back them I was the only freshman in our group, all because of my sister, Kim, who invited me in. So back to the first day: I was sitting beside Chris and he was wide-awake fidgeting his pencil (which I would later find out to be quite odd since most of the time, he's out of it) and I said hi. He smiled and replied. We got acquainted and talked away our "Introduction to English Literature". I found out a lot about him that day: he just came to live here a few weeks ago and that he's still homesick. I promised to introduce him to a couple of my friends, because on his own he doesn't seem to have any luck with 'gaining' some of his own. The weeks after that got even better. He was fascinating. We talked over the phone for some time, hung out with each other and basically had fun. Before I knew it we became the best of friends. Now things would have gone dandy if it were not for the little thing about me being in the clique and consequently being gay; so a month or so after we first met, I brought him up to my room and I told him. Looking back I must have really looked stupid waiting for his answer back then even though he replied fairly quickly. For a fraction of a second I stood there with half a forced grin trying to tone it down, waiting to be rejected, feeling sad for I guess loosing a friend in the short time I gained one, and freezed into place with anticipation. He answered just as quickly and nonchalantly that he was too. 'Kewl' he said with an small cocking of his head. And that was it. I still look back at it with relief and amusement. A few days after that I told the guys about him and well they accepted him in. As the door swung open Chris stood there waiting for me. "Well are you coming in or not? I could slam the door in your face if you'd prefer it that way." He broke me out of my reminiscing. We both bounded up the staircase to his room hollering with laughter. Their house used to belong to his grandfather who worked as the dean of Engineering at the state collage till he passed away and the house was slightly on the large side with a dozen or so more rooms than he and his father ever used. We passed the upper sitting area that leads to the terrace, the old study and 2 other rooms I couldn't identify, all he way up to the last door at the end of the parquet lined hall. He told me that the reason he chose this room out of all the rooms in the house was for one, it was one of the furthest room from his dad's and secondly because from his window you could spy on the 5 adjacent houses and their grounds without them seeing you. I jumped on his bed and he jumped on top of me. I panicked. Laughingly I shoved him off, trying my best to plaster a look of uncontrollable hilarity on my face. "Ouch... fuck that hurt" "You deserve it", I said between choreographed bursts of laughter. There's one more thing I've never told Chris or any of the other guys. From the very first day I met him: last year, I've always liked him. Not just liked in the sense that I wanted to be his friend. Like in the sense that I wanted to feel his arms around me and I wanted to hold him close to me. I wanted to graze my fingers across his bare shoulders and touch his chest lovingly. I needed to envelop him in my embrace to hung him holding on to his tanned torso I wanted all of these and yet... I never had the guts to tell him. He had this habit of relaying every single crush he had to me. He described them to me in his overly idealistic vantage and go on to visualize what he'd do to them given a chance in hell. Hell! He'd have a chance with me! If only I could just stop him one day from all his rambling and tell him I like him. A lot. It's like being in the closet all over again. And I hate it because everyday I spend with him, my need gets worse. "Okay.. so tell me all about it man..." "Fuck.. it was horrible.." I started and I went into great length about this guy I met through a gay chat room who turned out to be a major ass. "How many time have I told you not to do that? You know what it's like why do you keep going back?" he scolded. We stayed up in his room all afternoon till sometime past 7:00, he invited me to sleep over as he always does, but this time I refused. I just don't know what I'd do if I spent the night. So I left at seven quarter and I came home a few minutes before supper. 7:20 PM Tues, Chris Leo just left a while ago. Even though he told me about his problem there still seems to be something really bothering him. Damn I wish he'd tell me. 7:30 AM Wed, Ryan Hmm... This could get really interesting. I've seen this Patrick dude a couple of times already and he is sure sweet. Mark & Chris will both owe me big time on this. Yep here he comes. Hmm, he looks awfully shy. Almost like Chris till I discovered how much of an asshole he can sound like. Luckily he turned out to be all bark and no bite. The blonde boy approaches me and opens his locker, which is immediately beside the one I'm using. Actually it isn't really mine... I borrowed it just for this occasion. "Hey... you're that Patrick guy right?" Even to me that sounded really dense. "Yeah" he replied timidly. "You have English with Chris don't you? Would you mind telling him to return my physics book when he comes to the table today? Okay dude?" "Sure" Boy... this guy is one heck of a conversationalist. "Why don't you stop by as well.. come on" "Uhm.. I dunno.." he started backing away slightly. "It's a date then I've got this girl who's been dying to meet you." "Uhh.. What?" "Okay... Cya dude!" Kim was gonna kill me for this. 12:30 PM Wed, Patrick Damn what am I doing here? Sigh. I enter the cafeteria with a twinge of excitement and uhm... fear I guess... God this morning went wonderfully! Ryan actually talked to me... He knows that I exist! Oh god I could have died just being that close to him. I have no idea why he talked to me though... I really have to thank my lucky stars cause for the first time in ages they actually worked for me! There he is! He's calling me over to their table. Them. What an odd assortment, honestly I can't figure out how these guys stand each other; normally they're the types that'd rip each other's limbs off. The only person I know from their group is Chris though. Sure I know the names & reputations of the other members but up till this morning Chris was the only one I've ever talked to (we were writing partners). But Ryan, I've always seen him moving past me and walking by briskly. I've always noticed him and I've always loved him, from afar of course. "Dude, over here" he calls. "Here, Kim... this is Patrick the one you said you wanted to meet..." If I wasn't as lovesick as I was then I guess I'd have noticed the sly smile on Ryan's face or the bewildered look on Kim's. I'd have noticed the snickering of Ken & Mike even though they were evidently trying their best to hide it and maybe I'd be smart enough to see Rich who wasn't even trying. It was like they were all in on a joke and I was the only one who didn't get it and yet I acted as if I didn't care. "Uh hi..." Kim said through gritted teeth. Then making her face as pleasant as possible for me right after shooting an evil look at Ryan. "Hello?" she went again. Then for some reason I suddenly noticed all the giggles and outright laughter all at once. Maybe it was because I woke up from my daydream of being with Ryan or more likely because their laughs grew even louder. They were all laughing and it hit me at full force. "Uh.. Kim's standing over there... pretty boy" Ralph threw at me in a nasty mocking intonation. And it was only then that I realized that I've stood for a full 10 seconds staring dreamily at Ryan, not even noticing the standing female senior tapping my back. "Uh hi" I tried to save face. But Rich's hoot grew even stronger and my face went red. I excused myself, I can't remember how, but I did and I literally ran away from them. Laughing... I knew they were, the whole caf was too. Shit, shit, shit! Why did I ever do that? Fuck! I slowed my pace down, holding back shameful tears, to a fast walk and I went into the nearest comfort room. I went into one of the stalls and I cried my heart out. Why did this have to fucking happen? Shit. 12:50 PM Wed, Ryan As the laughter from Mike, Ken, Ralph and Rich died down, mostly because Kim and Tina were telling them to shut up, the hustle and bustle of the place took over again. "Well at least now we know for sure, right?... Hey, guys don't look at me like that" "It's your fault" said Alec. "Yooou ass" Kim followed suit. "People clam up would you. And Alec, don't worry I'll take care of Patrick..." Mark trailed off with a tired look on his brow. He patted the table and pushed himself up. With that he left. Poor guy. I didn't want that to happen to him. No deserves to be outed like that especially not Patrick. 1:02 PM Wed, Mark "Patrick... you here?" I tap the door to the cubicle a couple of times. "Fuck off" "Would you just please listen to me for a while, okay?" "I SAID FUCK OFF" I jerked open the door, and found him there with red, puffy, angry eyes. I reached for his shoulder but my hand was hastily shoved off with a string of curses bogged down by sobs and tears. He cast his face down trying to swallow the humiliation and pain. "Hey"... I say while latching on him firmly, this time met with no protest. "If it makes it any better I'm cool with it." "Go away" he says more in a whisper, all the fight drained out of him. "Please" he pleaded further. "Shh...It's okay..." Then... - I don't know why I did that. I felt like I was frozen in time staring in disbelief of what I... I guess I wasn't thinking straight, I wasn't myself, I was... I'm... I'm making excuses. I look at his face, which had doubt etched strongly all over it. As if he was afraid to trust the sincerity in me. I wouldn't blame him. I couldn't even trust myself. 1:02 PM Wed, Patrick Why me? It could have happened to anyone else. I was sitting on the Low Boy trying my best to gather myself up into a ball, my arms around my knees. I guess my jeans were starting to get moist from all my tears - bitter, shameful tears. I feel so stupid. Just like the time I threw my Captain America action figure out of the car then whimpering and bawling uncontrollably for the loss of it, only a hundred times more stupider. If I were in another situation at the moment, I'd have laughed my ass off thinking back at how shallow I was back then. Not to mention how stupid. Stupid, stupid STUPID. Not a lot has changed I guess. The door to the room creaks open slowly and I begin to hear some footsteps tread down the blue and white ceramic tile. I hear them slowing down, stopping briefly at each cubicle. I keep my silence as best I could; knowing very well that doing so was quite useless. "Patrick... you here?" I hear on the other side with a couple of taps on the screen. "Fuck off" "Would you just please listen to me for a while, okay?" "I SAID FUCK OFF" The door swung open and this junior peers in. I think I know him. I've heard his name before- Mark. Yes, I do know him... he's one of those unreachable ones. The ones you see at school and just don't even consider because he's so... up there. He's just like Ryan. Popular and beautiful, they have everything going for them. People you can't reach... people you can only dream about at night wishing them to be beside you by some miracle when you wake up. He had this look of pity on his face and I couldn't bear it. It tore me up because it reminded me of just how fucked up I was. He tried to reach out to me but I pushed his hands off. I didn't want his pity. I didn't need anyone's, especially none of theirs. They betrayed me. They pulled that stunt off to humiliate me in front of the whole friggin school populace. I hated them, the whole fucking lot of them. I stated to lose my will to fight back. I was trying to look forward to the future and it looked really bleak. I slumped down straining my neck by casting my face into the shadows. What else could I do? I couldn't fight all of them anymore, why should I even bother knowing that I'd just shame myself further by putting up a feeble struggle to retain my dignity, not that I had any left at that point. "Hey... If it makes it any better I'm cool with it." he said holding me as if it would provide me some measure of comfort. In truth, it did. I felt somewhat better knowing that at least someone was putting in some effort to comfort me even if only out of pity for my lost self-esteem. "Go away..." I whisper back. "Please" "Shh...It's okay..." says Mark. And with that his grip slips slowly, sliding down my back till he crosses his outstretched arms behind my nape. He leans his forehead on mine forcing me to look up to his eyes. His beautiful deep hazel eyes taking in all my doubts, worries and humiliation and reflecting back hope: hope that everything will be okay, that I'll be fine. It's a wonder how he can do this. I feel a burden lift off me. All the hatred I maliciously held for him melted and trickled away from my being. Just like a man trying to hold a palmful of the finest sand on this planet, all my attempts to keep my anger burning proved futile. And as if that was not enough, he pulled his head away, leaned in and gave me the gentlest kiss on the cheek. A soft feathery kiss. I just kept staring forward, not believing what just transpired between us. We both froze. I was the one who ended up moving first, maybe because of the painful way in which I contorted myself. Unrolling my limbs from the fatal stance was stuck in I straightened myself and i sat squarely on the toilet seat, heavily breathing out while doing so. On cue, Mark stood up, looked at me briefly and sat beside me on the cold floor facing the door. "You cool with that" he asked, halfway though a sigh. "I think so..." I answered unsteadily. "I'll drive you home today, we need to talk. Meet you at the gates this afternoon." I couldn't prevent feeling disappointed at how cold his words were. "I don't really get a choice do I?" I reply hopefully coming off equally as un-temperate as he had a few seconds ago. "Sigh.. sorry man" He held my face as he spoke. "Just be there? okay?" "Yeah.. I guess..." And with that he left me alone. I went up to the sink and I washed my face trying to rub my features away with the clear liquid. I washed away my tears and with it my humiliation. I was ready to face the world again. - I was beginning to wonder why gossip was spreading so slow that day because so far all I've heard was the back row snickering during class. I'd have expected the whole school to be in on it by now. I was even beginning to entertain thoughts that maybe they were all compassionate and they really didn't give a damn even if I publicly humiliated and outed myself. That was till my third afternoon class. It was hell. I never really liked History much but today was unbearable. Unfortunatly, I shared this class with most of the pranksters and assholes of my batch. All the way through the class they were making 'gay' and 'fag' comments with the whole class hooting and laughing along with them. But I could bear it. I wouldn't break down for them. The corridors were not really that much better, although most people ignored me, some made catcalls and some reminded me of just how low people can get. 3:37 PM Wed, Rich "What? The hell you will!" 3:37 PM Wed, Alec "Watch it asshole. It's your fault this issue blew up like this in the first place." 3:37 PM Wed, Chris "I'm all for it. We need to cut the poor guy some slack anyway." 3:38 PM Wed, Mark "It's settled then? I'll be the one to tell him. Chris, man, you know what to do." "Sure, I'll pass it around" With that all eight of us left the secluded corner behind the library. 3:40 PM Wed, Patrick My last class for the afternoon looked even more hopeless. I trudged my feet into my English class taking my sweet time. I was beginning to think up ways of how to ignore the people who would most likely find some way to weasel in their last nuisance into what's still left of my day when Chris and Leo pulled me aside. "What the.. Hey.. let go of me." "Nuh uh..." Smiled Leo inexplicably. "Yup, Mark told us to take care of you reaaallly good now, otherwise he's threatend to beat us up and gut us, right Leoww?" |Chris said with a funny drawl at the end of each word. "Yup Chris. So you behave little boy and stay put... We're going to be your bodyguards. Right Chris?" "Yup Leow" This was comical. I've known the two to be a close-knit pair but I've never seen this side of the two: a funny, playful demeanour, which isn't really normal to them. Leo's a really friendly kid. He's popular mostly because of being in his clique, even though he's a 'girl magnet' in his own right. Not really because of looks, cause most guys can outdo him there but mostly because he's a really warm and nice person. He's got this kind and comfortable aura that a lot of people find very inviting. Chris on the other hand is usually ready to bite your head off with some form of cynicism concentrate only he can concoct so people don't normally talk to him (although he did seem civil and cordial to me when we wrote our group paper). "Mark?" was all I could say between being squeezed in between the two and forcefully shoved into my chair. "Sorry" Leo whispered "It's okay. Really" So the class started, with Mrs Wyceski passing around a hand out on some far-off form or literature. I knew it wouldn't take long for someone to crack a taunt at me. "Hey fag boy" Some person from behind me began, as his friends jeering the same banter again and agian quickly followed him, increasing in strength each time... honestly, people these days had no originality. "Hey Fag boy.. wanna see my ass?" Someone broke out loud enough for the whole class to hear. Mrs. Wyceski was deeply flustered at the words, though even before she could scold the guy who did that and before he could add to his lewd remark, Chris spoke up. "Maybe you'd like to see mine huh? Wanna kiss it really good as well?" Chris said in a deeply sarcastic and hollowing tone. Funny, how such a small looking guy can talk like that. But either way, hearing Chris talk out loud was quite rare and since most of the guys in that particular class were cowards anyway, nobody said anything more. 4:35 PM Wed, Leo The class was really boring after that last asshole tried to bash Patrick. Time passed really quickly and soon enough we were leaving him at the main gate, Chris and I agreed to go back to my place that day and just hang. "You sure you'll be okay?" "Yeah I guess I can take care of myself from here." piped Patrick And we promptly left him there passing the front lawns and treading the street adjacent to the school. I lived quite close to Wesley High, almost a stone's throw away. "Wonder what it'd be like having Patrick in the group" I said aloud. "It'd be okay, I like the guy" I was crushed, as always. Chris had to be the worst candidate for a secret love. He'll pound your heart to a pulp. Or at last that's how I feel. Because each time we get to chat comfortably he brings up the topic of his endless list of crushes. I can't even count the number of guys he's talked about anymore. I swear that given just enough time, he'd go though just about every guy in the school. And each time he tells me about this guy's sweet ass or that boy's cute eyes, it hurts me. Maybe I'm the one putting myself into this misery. I'm the one who clams up. I should tell him just how much I like him. Then... then things would be perfect. He'd take me in his arms and say "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" together with a tender kiss on each cheek. He'd hug me tight and tell me that he's always loved me too, only in secret. Afraid, like me, that his best friend would reject him. We'd cradle each other in our arms and... A feeling of bliss swept over me. What a fantasy. If only it was true. If only I could. - My room: a place filled with the essence of us together - Chris and me, perhaps platonic, but together none the less. And that was enough to fuel my imagination. Our place wasn't even close to half the size of Chris'. It was a modest abode with just enough rooms for my parents, my sister and me. I used to share a room with my brother Tim till he passed away two years ago. Yeah I guess it was sad, but some time after he died, Chris came into my life. Maybe Chris was my brother's gift to me, a way to give me some company after he passed away. Chris has taken over most of what Tim used to fill in my life. We've discussed this a couple of times before, though I don't think Chris gets the depth of his value to me. Chris was already staring at the ceiling when I came back with his shirt. "Here" I tossed him his blue ruddy tee he left with me after sleeping here a couple of days back and sat down across the bed. "Can I ask you a question?" "Sure" I replied honestly "Do you like Patrick too?" "He's cute" "No.. I mean do you l-i-k-e him?" "Oh... no." I felt a funny feeling at the pit of my stomach. Some foreboding force that's convincing me that something bad is about to happen. I was about to analyse what it actually meant had Chris slowed down a bit, but as quickly as the sensation came to me, he spoke up. "You like me don't you?" "...uh" was all I could muter. "What made you say that...?" I continued betraying just how nervous I was with my voice. "You're uncomfortable when I talk about him, I figured either you like him or you're jealous... and by the way you sound.. I'd go for jealous." He said with his guileless and 'mater-of-fact' tone. God.. he didn't even phrase it as a question... normal people, and only when extremely bold enough, would normally say: "I like you, do you like me too?" or perhaps "Do you like me?", but no... Chris always has to be painfully frank about everything. He looked at me and then looked back up unto the ceiling. "Hey, I didn't say yes you know" "You did... your eyes did" I was getting really frustrated. I've built up a whole two years worth of admiring, no, loving this guy and he just says he knows and thinks that the end of it. God. I sigh heavily while I stand up and slam the door. - In the kitchen I sat alone with my equally lonely glass of water. Not too cold, not too warm. I grasped the clear glass with both hands visibly shaking. For the first time in ages I'm glad nobody's at home. Normally this place is a hub of noise and people, be it my parents or my sister bringing their friends over. But today the house was quiet. My sister was on a date with her girlfriend and my parents had dinner out with some client of my dad's. I was to have take-out pizza with Chris. The word to look out for there is WAS. I don't know why I'm so bothered about this. I was going to tell him eventually: but not now, not by a long shot. I was planning to tell him about me liking him when it was all over, when I didn't have any feelings for him anymore, not at all when my emotions are at it's height. "Sorry" I hear behind my back. I look towards the source of the voice, knowing very well whose it was. "It's okay, I over reacted." "No... It's my.." He paused and, looking unsure of himself, stepped closer and hugged me. His body was rigid and it actually pained me more than it made me happy. Am I cynical or what? I dream about this moment for ages and the day it comes I'm the one who breaks free. I gently remove his arms. "Don't force yourself okay?" I try to smile even with the water in my eyes clouding my vision. "We have to talk" Chris holds my right hand as he leads me back to my room. 5:00 PM Wed, Mark "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kept you waiting" I said to Patrick, motioning towards my car. "No, It's okay" he says while walking with me past the faculty parking. I practically shoved him in my car and I drove. The conversation inside the vehicle was sparse but only because we were both heavily looking forward to our much anticipated discussion. I glanced at him taking my eyes off the road for a brief moment. He sat there looking like he was brimming with questions, questions I doubted I'd answer easily. He was glorious and beautiful just like the day Chris first pointed him out to me. His shimmering smooth hair shining like the sun, almost glairing me in its aura, his face with an open and honest look to him shouting out loud his innocence and vulnerability, his bright eyes, no longer as foreboding as when I caught up with him a while ago, his warm luscious lips were creased and pulled in; as if wanting to say something but holding back the words. I've been driving for some time already at that point and by the look of extreme uneasiness that passed on his face I assumed he's already figured out I wasn't taking him to my house. "Relax. It'll be just a while further." He gave me a nervous smile and even through his apparent anxiety, he tried to lean back against the leather seat of my car. We reached some dirt trail leading into an envelopment of shady trees and just as we cleared some of them, I parked the car and turned off the engine. I was looking straight ahead, talking in all the beauty of the lighted city. From that point on the hillside, one could see the flickering lights turning on, which dot the urban sprawl below. I could almost make out my house and the school beginning to glow along with the rest of the structures, giving off a faint yellowish light. "Hey... we're here." I say clasping the wheel tightly while doing so. "It's beautiful" And we both knew it was true. "Uhm.. I... You.. I've.." I stuttered, talking in between Patrick's similar quirky efforts to begin his questioning. We both giggled and laughed like a couple of lunatics. Lunatics - quite fitting as the sun was receding at a quickened pace at that time and you could already see the moon. You know those short moments in which you could see both the setting orange sun and the bluish tinged moon at the same time. It's like having two suns: one rising and the other setting. It's magical to witness, and that's just the way I felt sitting in my car beside Patrick. I don't know what's so special about Patrick. I've had crushes before and just this morning Patrick was just one of them. I can't understand why, after his little run up at our table, I suddenly elevated my wanting him to needing him. Somehting changed and I know it. This morning he was an ordinary guy, cute, but nothing to make him stand out far above all my other crushes. He was actually quite plain looking and there was nothing special or extravagant to him. But being with him, kissing him (I almost blushed as I recalled this) talking to him, it suddenly made him more than just an ordinary crush. I've never gone further than distant admiration (read as: infatuation) whenever I liked a guy. I've never talked personally nor closely to any of them. I've never even touched someone else the way I did to Patrick this afternoon. Perhaps its just lunacy. Just like tonight. Plain magical lunacy. "I've got something to tell you." I begin 6:00 PM Wed, Patrick "What?" I ask with curiosity and mild anticipation. "First off, from all of us, we'd like to apologize to you for outing you like that. We're all really sorry." This is not what I was expecting. I was looking forward to something perhaps more.. romantic? Thinking back further though, I begin to recall the hatred Mark quenched this morning. He drowned them out, and now they were surfacing again. My anger at those assholes. "Tell them to go fuck themselves" I said indignantly. "You know.. I am one of 'them'" he replied with a softened voice. "They're not all like that" he continued. "Chris stood up for you and so did Leo" "Only because you told them to." I involuntarily cracked a smile recalling how funny those two were that afternoon. "See.. you're not mad are you" he said almost successfully cooing me. I stayed silent. I was contemplating how this one guy could turn my world around with just one kiss. Everything was different from that moment I felt his lips land on me. It's as if he's given me a new life to live, changing everything I had completely. When i woke up this morning, I had no idea my life would flip so momentously within the span of less than 10 hours. From being nobody, I suddenly felt special. I felt a hint of uneasiness putting my hopes up but it was overcome but my happiness. I assessed where I stood. I was out, probably to the whole school as of now, my secret crush on Ryan Thomas is well.. not so secret anymore and I've just received my first kiss from a guy. Yup.. it was worth it - not that I'd let anybody else know about that. "What did that kiss mean?" I blurted out, not even thinking about what I just said. "Oh, that... " Mark smiled. "I don't know.. what did it mean to you?" "That's not fair. I asked you first." I tried my best to crack a smile and laugh. God it was hard.. specially after the few silent seconds that followed my holler which grew faker with each tick of my watch. I could feel the tension that my question brought about between us. "A lot... You were my first you know, kiss I mean, and uh.." he said with a deep exhale somewhat fogging the glass in front of us. "I .. maybe-" I stopped him with a kiss on his lips. He might have not noticed me approaching, but he sure got into it the moment he realized we were kissing. My brain froze... at first it was light kisses between us but soon it was getting more violent. well, perhaps violent isn't the right word. forceful in a good way, forceful out of desire.. yup that's it... desire soo thick it was oozing all over us causing us to move in a determined but not really hurried fashion. I felt sheer extract being in contact to his smooth supple lips, smelling wisps of his delightful fragrance and touching his flawless face. I never felt so intimate with someone more so with someone like Mark. I've always dreamed of being with someone and I've never dreamed it to be this good. I was moving my hands gently and slowly caressing his back, afraid that if this were indeed only a dream after all, a sudden movement would wake me up. It felt so perfect. Me with mark entangled making out inside his... making out? Hell yeah! I'm making out!! wooo hooo! Yes! Oh God.. I have to calm down. My breathing started to slow while gently breaking free from the embrace. As I pulled back to get a good look at his face. "Not now" I said weakly as if i'd have protested if he insisted further, although that really wasn't the case. I'd melt into his arms if he makes just one more move towards me. "You're right" he said, "May I hold you" I felt the blood gush up my face as I nodded in agreement. Sigh, I felt like a girl! I offered him my hand and he gently took it in with both of his own. Looking me in the eyes he said with clarity "Tonight's a special night. I really like you Patrick and I'd really like to be your friend, hopefully more." "That'd be great" was all I could say. And with that he gave me one last innocent kiss as he drove me back home. 10:00 PM Wed, Leo Chris brought me to my room tugging me by my unwilling arm this afternnon. "Here sit" he said in authoritative voice. He squatted so that he was at eye level and spoke. "Hey Leo" I didn't reply. I wanted to cry right there and then. He was trying to save our friendship I supposed or perhaps trying to find some way of decorously blowing me off. He sighed and stood up looking down on me. I was quite sure his face was crumpled up in deep thought. That much I knew. I've come to know a lot about Chris, but right then I had no idea as to how he'd react to what just transpired. He sighed again and sat down on my bed. "I'm sorry I really am... I didn't think you'd react violently like that" "I didn't react violently" "Then why did you walk out on me?" "Who wouldn't?" I raised my voice. "You just blirted out that I like you and you... you concieted asshol- I felt him hold me. Apparantly I didn't see him stand up while I was beginning to shout. "Then why are you so affected?" he said in an understanding intonation. He smiled, not the self assured smile of his nor a mocking smile, but a sencere one expressing to me that everything was going to be fine between us. "I'll take your word for it, okay?" He hugged me again, this time in a friendly hug I was used to. "Quits?" he said while letting go. "Not quite yet" I said, my voice faltering as I opened my mouth. "What'd you say?" he asked honestly "I said it's true. I do like you." He paused and slowly a smile crept up his face. "You never asked me if I liked you." "Why would I... you, you see everybody else and you talk about Patrick and Mike and all these other- He pressed his thumb on my lips to silence me. "Think numbskull, you never told me you liked me either." he said with a knowing smile. "Do you.. like me?" "As a friend-" "Oh." "-but that doesn't mean we can't be more." I didn't know if I heard him right. Maybe my ears were fooling me, or maybe I was just imagining things, or maybe... maybe, perhaps, by some glimmer of chance, it was real. "Don't say anyhthing you don't mean" I said with an unsteady tone. "I wouldn't" And he kissed me. A tender kiss, one that would last. his lips and and his body, a blur of motion moving around me and me floating appartly distant from my body watching it all as if watching a movie. In fact it was better than any other movie because the charachters were me and my best friend. The guy of my dreams. He actually cared, he gave me a chance. My one chance in hell was a gamble worth betting on after all. When his soft kiss ended he pulled back and looked at me. He smiled devlishly and came back for another go, this time more moist and determined. I kissed him back with equal passion, pouring out my whole years worth of frustration. I pulled my body up to him and he rolled over and pinned us both down. When we looked at where we ended up, we began to snicker. He whrapped himself around me and we rolled on the bed laughing our hearts out till we had tears in our eyes and our chests couldn't take anymore laughter. All while we were thightly in each other's embrace. I was in heaven. We made love that night. He took off my clothes and I took off his and we stared at each other. It was both our firsts, and we both didn't know what to do. We laughed at ourselves, and somehow, I guess instinct took over. I was beneath him on the bed with the stars' and moon's light shining behind him. And now.. looking back at what transpired this afternoon, I feel this wave of contentment flowing over me. Chris is sleeping over tonight, actually he's here beside me lying beneath the sheets. Together with me. 6:00 AM Thurs, Leo Chris pulled away from our kiss. He looked me in the eye and asked me "Are we?" "If you'd like it that way." "Okay, so you're my boyfriend now right?" How typical of him... my lovable Chris. Mine. It felt so good, so right... "Yes." /end Thanks for taking time to read this thing. Please send me all your comments and suggestions (now isn't that cheesy) Should I write along this line further? Anyway.. that was my tribute to all the great authors of this genre out there, thanks for everything..:) Cya ppl! Ubq2s ubq2s@yahoo.com p.s. I've posted this before on Comicality's Library... there a a lot of other great stories & writers there too... (http://www.insidetheweb.com/mbs.cgi/mb594177)