Date: Sat, 24 Apr 2010 13:45:18 EDT
From: HnstSkr4@aol.com
Subject: The Journey Begins Chapter 8

Before I get into the Legal stuff, I want to say thanks first to my Editor,
Pete.  He always does a wonderful job.  Second, I want to thank my Readers.
You guys are the best.

Okay, these characters are not meant to resemble any living or dead
person. I make no apology to anyone who is offended by anything in this
story.

If you find the idea of guys being in love offensive then need to find
something else to read and do it now!

Let me know what you think of the story by emailing me at
_Hnstskr4@aol.com_

Copyright 2010 by Chuck B.

Chapter 8

Church Stance and Family Standards

So I'm in church listening to my Sunday school teacher talk about
homosexuality.  These lessons get me so down.  It's hard to listen to this
stuff.  I mean, I don't hate the church, but how can I stay here knowing
that being gay is looked at as a bad thing?  After a while I just get tired
of hearing it.  Maybe I should have walked out on them.  I've heard
somewhere that I can be gay as long as I don't have sex with a guy.  All I
can do is try.  It's not easy avoiding sex when your guy looks as good as
Steve.  All I know is that I want to be happy.

What person doesn't want to be happy?  I'm not sure that having sex and
being with Steve is going to be make me happy.  The church would have me
believe that being gay and having sex would only bring me misery. I suppose
the leaders might be right.  Still, I've never been this happy in my entire
life.  In a weird sense, I am truly happy.  Why is Dale over there smiling
away?

Dale is sitting over there smiling his fool head off.  He is no doubt
thinking that he has me, that after hearing these lessons on why I
shouldn't follow my heart, that I'll withdrawal my being gay and date Cathy
for real.  Sorry, I can't go back to being confused and lost.  He just has
to realize that I'm not going to change my sexuality, that I can't change
my sexuality. I've thought about it and it's not going to happen. He needs
to shut up before I hit him, repeatedly.

Sometimes, I just want to walk up to him and knock his attitude out the
window.  I'm not a violent person but in his case, I'll make an exception.
Maybe, I'll release Steve on him.  Hmm... I think that thought has occurred
to me on more than one occasion. I don't know why I was friends with him in
the first place.  Look at how he's treating me now. My anger is at a point
where if the opportunity did come for me to jump him, I might just punch
him a couple times in his crotch.  Wish there was a way to make him wish
that he never approached me on this whole "gay recovery" mission of his.
Wow... I'm getting the over whelming desire to smash his mouth right now.

I've never had this feeling before.  Now, I'm pretty sure that the violence
isn't okay.  Need to cool it down a bit.  Maybe if I get up and get a drink
the need to punch out his kidneys will disappear. Well, I left the room and
headed toward the drinking fountain, and no, it didn't help at all.  I
still want to choke him.  Guess I need to repent for wanting to physically
hurt someone.


Journal Entry:

Hey journal, this is being written while I sit in church.  It's actually
our sacrament meeting (which is sort of like mass, I guess).  A couple
hours ago, I had an overwhelming desire/need to hurt someone.  I've never
in my life felt like that before.  Not that I hated the feeling, but it's
not the sort of person that Eric Keiser is, or wants to be.

Who do I want to hurt?  It's Dale again.  The whole time I sat in class, he
sat smiling like the Cheshire Cat.  Like he had something on me and was
letting me know, that he had me by the balls.  Which in a way he does, but
that doesn't excuse his behavior.  Where does he get off trying to pressure
me like this?  Don't I get enough of that at church anyway?  Well, I had
better go!

Journal entry ended


I'm really feeling confused over the church's stand on Prop 8.  Not
surprised by their take on Prop 8, but rather by their actions.  For a
church that has been stressing tolerance, they don't seem to be very
tolerant lately.  I think, we should be allowed to marry.  It's fine with
me if the church wishes to not marry us.  It's sad that they're throwing
money into this fight.  Aren't we commanded to love one another?  Seems to
me that somewhere along the line, some people have forgotten what love is.

We shouldn't have to hear from the pulpit the need to be tolerant.  We're
Christians!  Sure, there might be times that we shouldn't be tolerant,
e.g. when drugs start moving into our neighborhoods.  I know there is a lot
more than homophobia in some of the church member's hearts.  Some of the
members in my ward seem kind of racist.  Maybe it's my imagination, but I
see a lot of intolerance towards others and it's not just directed at the
GLBT community either.


Well, it's now Monday, which means it's time for our weekly family time.
The first Monday and last Monday of each month, Dad teaches something from
church doctrine.  This week, no big surprise, Dad is teaching the evils of
homosexuality.  Most of what he said I allowed to go in one ear and out the
other, but something he said really got me.

"If anyone in our family thinks they might be gay, they need to immediately
talk to me or one of my counselors and then follow their advice on the
matter. If you carry out on this sin, then you will face church court.  I
will not protect a sinner!"

Once again, Dad has used fear as a means to teach us.  Alex looked shocked.
I also noticed that Mom instantly picked up on Alex's reaction to Dad's
comment.  Mom didn't say anything, but it still made me wonder what was
going on in her head.  Dad made sure that we understood the church's stance
on homosexuality.  It's funny, but I've always wanted to ask where
homosexuality comes from.  Although I am pretty sure the answer would be
the devil.  Still that question remains in my head.  Somehow, whenever the
topic is discussed either in church or at home, I end up feeling like I
want to crawl down into a hole.

I just want to hide myself.  Maybe it's the fear of them somehow seeing my
gayness through my flesh.  I suppose it's guilt for being who I am.  Still,
if there is one thing that being in Current Events has taught, it's that
gay teens who carry around guilt for being gay seem to commit suicide.  I
don't want to become a name and year on someone's website.  Don't want to
be remembered as the teen who killed himself because he's gay.  I'm just
not ready for my family to know that I'm gay.  I'm really not ready for
anyone to know that I'm gay.  Guess I'm pretty messed up, huh?  Don't
worry; I know that I can't stay hidden forever.

At some point, I have to come out to my family and the world.  Does it have
to be now though?  Everything seems to be falling into place.  I've got
Steve in my life and he makes my days worth living.  In the last week, he's
been my rock.  Deep inside of me, I know he'll be even more important to
me.  Can't explain it, but I know he'll save me.  Do I worry too much over
the future?

I just wish I had ESP or a crystal ball.  Need to know, what the future has
in store for me.  How will Mom and Dad react when I finally do tell them
about me?  What will happen when I tell them about Steve?  Even better,
what will they say when I tell them that I intended to be with him forever?
I'm sure it won't be pretty. They'll hit the roof for sure.  I just don't
want to lose my life.


"Journal entry: Dear Journal,

A certain amount of dread has entered my soul tonight.  It's kind of always
been there, but tonight is somehow different.  I can't shake it.  Usually,
I can send the dread packing by thinking of the good things in my life.
Tonight, it feels like boulders are tied to my shoulders and my knees.  So
much depends on Mom and Dad not finding out about me and Steve.  There is
little doubt that they will find out at some point.  How do I move once
they do?  My mind is pacing right now.  There is a whisper of danger in the
air.  It's feeling pretty bad right now.  Going to lay down for a nap."


I found myself fast asleep.  Eventually, I find myself in a dream at
school.  I'm minding my own business, standing by my locker when from
nowhere Dale punches me to the floor.  He's pounding on me when along comes
Steve and ends the fight.  I immediately find myself at my house watching
my mom pick up the phone.  I hear her start to cry and then call for Dad.
It's as if I'm ghost.  She either can't see me or refuses to see me.  When
Dad comes into the room, I feel more tangible, more real.  Dad looks me and
tells me to get out of this house.  He doesn't want me anymore.  Mom also
chimes in and says that she doesn't want me talking to my sisters or my
brothers.  As I turn to walk out of the house, tears are streaming down my
face.  My eyes catch a glimpse of Alex gazing down at the door from the top
of the stairs and she is in tears too.  I see her run into my room.  From
there, I am whisked away to Sarah's where I wake up. I can't hold it in
anymore, and I wake up crying.

I'm sitting in my bed crying and hoping that no one else can hear me.
Before I know it, Alex comes into the room.  She looks me and climbs onto
the bed.  Apparently, she is going to be comforter.  I can see the worry in
her eyes.

"Eric, what's wrong??  Are you okay?"

"I just had a bad dream."

She still looked worried.  I told her what had happened in the dream.  She
smiled!  Wow...never knew her smiles meant that much to me before, but
today it helped to ease the pain.

"Eric, it's going to be okay.  I promise, it will be okay."

How could I tell her that it's not going to be okay? I can't tell her that
Mom and Dad won't let me stay here if they find out.

"Alex, I don't want you to think that everything is going to be okay. I
don't know what's going to happen but it's going to be bad. Why don't you
go and do your homework?"

I knew that she wasn't going to budge on this one, so I gave up and had her
pass my phone.  I quickly dialed Steve's number and waited for the voice
that was going to ease the pain.

"Hey Babe, what's up?"

"Steve, I had another bad dream.  I'll make it short.  Basically, Dale
beats me.  You beat Dale up.  Dale calls my parents.  I go home and see Mom
crying.  Mom calls Dad into the room.  Dad kicks me out of the house. Alex
calls Sarah and I end up living there."

"You've been crying again huh?"

"You can tell huh?"

"Yeah, I can hear it in your voice."

"I'm really worried about Dale.  I wish that I knew a way to get him to see
that I'm still me."

"Listen, you don't have to worry about Dale.  You have me, Sarah, Mark, and
Alex.  You'll be fine.  You will never ever, be alone!"