Date: Tue, 03 Jan 2006 14:54:40 -0500
From: Dylan Croft <twilightki@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Pain Passes, But The Beauty Remains

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		  The Pain Passes, But The Beauty Remains


              "This is soooo boring" I muttered to myself as I sat through
science class.  It was over sooner than I thought and I headed to my locker.
  My friend Gina was there, along with Justin and Cory. "Hey, Dylan" Justin
said. I saluted him, he laughed.  Justin is big into the army, I swear, if a
general ever got sick, Justin could take his place, but Justin doesnt think
so. Justin looks alot older than he is, bad life experiences to thank for
that.  Gina, she's awesome, I think she hates herself a bit becuase shes
fat, but a good person nonetheless.  Cory is pretty cool, a bit shy, but a
loyal friend.

              Gina liked me a while back, and wanted to go out with me, I
never had the heart to tell her I didnt like her, so I held it off for the
longest time....but then I finally wrote her a note explaining that I dont
have feelings for her and I hope we can still be friends.  Oh yeah, and that
im Bi, and I'd rather have a relationsip with a guy.  I told her not to tell
anyone, because if the school found out, that would be the end, no one would
talk to me, unless its something bad to say. I'd get the shit kicked out of
me everyday, and I'd never have another good day again.  She's been good
with that, me and her are the only ones who know.  She gave me a note back
saying that since it took so long she realized she didnt like me. I knew it
was just a stupid crush.  I dont know why I like guys more, I'm more
attracted to girls, but I feel alot more comfortable with guys, everytime I
talk to a girl I feel all cramped up and nervous, even if I dont like her.
Prime example of societies conditioning right there....

             I went to my next class,  art, and sat down.  I love art class,
its relaxing and not hard.  Mrs. Hansen walked in and sat down behind her
desk.  "quiet class!" no one payed attention........  "CLASS! BE QUIET!!!"
she yelled. The whole class got quiet, hehe.  "Please welcome a new student
to our grade, his name is Jake, hes from.....blah blah blah....."is all I
heard as I was staring awestruck at the sexy kid in front of me.  He was
wearing a black T-shirt,  baggy black pants, and black shoes.  He had black
eyeliner on, and purple nail polish.  His hair was black and and looked kind
of moist, probably takes his showers in the morning like me.  That may have
looked "gothic" on anyone, but he had this innocent and shy look, he was so
adorable.

          Out of all the tables in the class, he came and sat next to me.  I
felt a little tug in my chest, that was excitement.  "uuh...hey...." he said
so quietly I could barely hear him, ooh, hes so cute,  "hey" I said.  "My
names Dylan, your Jake, right?"  His eyes lit up," yep".  His shyness was
slowly melting away and we were talking like friends by the end of the
class.   Class ended and I walked out the door talking to Jake about The
Doors, OUR favorite band, how great, no one else in my school has ever even
heard of The Doors, never mind like them!  He's so great, I think im falling
for him.  Hehe. "uuh...bye" Jake said as he walked to his bus.  "Hey!
Jake...uummm...whats your phone number? So I can call you, and maybe you can
like, come over or something".  He swallowed, his eyes were big, "me?" he
said, pointing to himself.  "hmm...lets see, who else? yeah you! hehe" I
said.  A big grin spread across his face and he ran over to me. I took out a
piece of paper and a pencil and gave it to him.  He wrote so fast that he
had to erase a few times, but he managed to get it down and gave it to me.
I tore off a piece and scribbled down my number and gave that to him.  "call
me" we both said in unison. hehe. He blushed.  He waved and ran off to his
bus, I waved back.

            I was so excited, I almost fell off my bike a few times as I
sped home. I can't believe it, I have this cute boys phone number, and he
has MINE! hehe....Then it hit me...theres a very good chance hes not gay, or
even Bi.....Then my excitement stopped, and depressed took a full powershot
to my gut.  What if he doesnt like me? What if he just likes girls? I dont
think I could settle for just being his friend...oh my god.....This sucks!
But what if he is? He could be....theres always a chance.......


         I opened the door and in a swift move threw off both of my shoes.
I jumped on the couch and took his number out of my pocket.  I dialed the
number, the phone rang.  "what am I going to say?" it rang again  "will he
be there?" it rang again "ok..ok...just settle down" it rang again, *click*
"hello?" it was him! "uuuh hey, whats up?" I said.  "Who is this???" he
asked.  Arrrgh, duh! I forgot to say who it is hehe.  "hey, its Dylan,
remember me?"  "OH! hey Dylan!"  So then we talked for a while about school,
music, and movies we like, we talked for, I'd say, a good 2 and a half
hours.  Ok, here it goes....."hey, Jake"  "yeah?"  "wanna come over"   "uuh,
Yeah!" I felt that same tug in my chest, the excitement "mmm, ok, wanna come
over, uuh, saturday?" Its friday "Ok, sure! thats great, uuhh, see ya then!"
*click*.  He hung up.  Wow this is so cool, hes coming over.  I went to the
kitchen to get something to eat, hehe, I havent eaten since lunch at school,
and its around 5.  I sat down and watched Scarface, with Al Pacino.  Awesome
movie.  About half way through it I heard my dad's Cadillac pull up.  I
didnt have a mom, she died when I was 13, from drinking vodka with gatorade.
  See, gatorade is made to give your internal organs water, but mixing it
with vodka, pressed the vodka into your internal organs, as well as your
liver.  And she abused this for only a year, and her liver failed, and she
had to go to the hospital, go on dialisis every few days.  And 3 months
later, she died.  He walked through the door, "Hey Dylan, What's up?"
"nothin'.   Hey, my friend Jake, is coming over on saturday, is that
alright?", "Sure"  He's always cool about things, he never really had alot
of freedoms when he was a kid, so he lets me have alot.   I watched the rest
of the movie with my dad, and when it was over, we ate supper, then I went
to bed.

          I layed there in my dark room,  I was wide awake.  I couldnt go to
sleep.  I was so excited about tomorrow! Jake's coming over! I cant wait!  I
decided to get some warm milk to go to sleep, that might work.  I went
downstairs, walked over to the fridge and opened the door.  The jug of milk
was betweem the carton of orange juice and the apple juice.  I grabbed a
coffee cup from the cupboard and set it on the table.  I poured the milk in,
and put it in the microwave for about a minute.  "wow, this is gonna be so
cool, I cant wait, I cant remember the last time I was this excited." *BEEP
BEEP BBEEEEEEP* The microwave was done with my milk.  I took it out with
caution, I wasnt sure how hot it would be, it was pretty warm, but not too
warm to drink.  I sat down on a chair in the living room, and moved it
towards the window.  I looked out at the cool night, the wet street from the
rain earlier, the wind stirring the leaves in the trees, no cars going by,
everything peaceful.  I sighed, and went back to bed.


            I woke up.   The first thought in my head was Jake.  His perfect
lips.....little, smooth hands....silky hair....tight little butt....woops,
caught myself starting to think naughty thoughts hehe, feels good.  My dick
was agreeing too, morning wood haunting me, hehe.  I never really liked to
get off in the morning, it just didnt feel right.  So I got up and went into
the shower, still thinking about Jake.  I grabbed some conditioner and put a
generous squirt in my hand, and starting stroking my dick, it felt soo good,
the gentle strokes of my hand, my fingers sliding over my shaft....but I
soon lost interest and finished up my shower.  I went downstairs and got
myself some toast and orange juice, didnt really feel like eating a whole
lot this morning, I wanted some coffee, but I gave that up, stuff's bad for
you, plus it didnt help, it gave me a short energy boost, then I was tired
for the rest of the day, without the coffee I have steady energy throughout
the day, so I kicked the coffee, even though its nice to have in the
morning.    I looked at the clock, 9:02 AM.  Jake said he'd be here at
around 10:30.  So I had some time to spare.  I finished my breakfast, and
decided to go for a walk.  All kinds of thoughts passed through my head, "is
Jake gay? Bi? even if he is....will he like me?" all kinds of things along
that line.  But then I came to the park, and sat down and watched the ducks
in the pond, all of those thoughts, gently went away.  My mind became clear,
and I relaxed.  The sun was pretty bright, and it was perfect out, not hot,
but a nice warm feeling.  It was really nice.

             I decided to head back to the house, and when I got back I
looked at the clock, 10:07 AM.  Cool, I was out for about an hour.   I only
have half an hour to wait before Jake gets here.  I flopped down on the
couch and turned on the TV.  I really wasnt paying attention to what was on,
some show about politics or something like that, I try to stay away from
politics.  The time I was zoning out at the TV seemed to fly by,  before I
knew it,  10:30 had arrived.  I jumped up from the couch and turned off the
TV.  I looked out the window and stayed there, searching for any sign of
Jake.  With every car that passed by, my hopes kept rising, and fading, and
rising again.  Then finally, a red minivan pulled into the driveway, and
guess who steps out.   I ran and flew out the door to meet Jake.  He had a
huge smile on his face.  I had a huge smile on my face too.  "Hey! Jake! Ive
been waiting all day for you!"  He just smiled, and blushed a bit.  A lady
with brown hair and an overcoat stepped out, his mother.  "hi, im Jake's
mom, nice to meet you" she put out her hand and I shook it.  "I'm so glad
Jake has found a friend, hes a good boy, but very shy, and hes afraid to
talk to people"  Jake put his head down to hide his blushing.  I didnt know
what to say, so I didnt say anything.  ".....Jake got picked on and beaten
up alot at his other school because........"  "MOM!"  Jake exclaimed, he
looked hurt.   "......oh, im sorry Jake, I guess I said a little too much,
sorry honey" she kissed him on his forehead and got back into the van.  She
waved goodbye as she pulled out.  The second she pulled out of view Jake
looked back at me with that same beautiful smile, he's so cute.  "c'mon
Jake, lets go inside."  I said, leading him into the house.  I brought him
up to my room, and sat down on my bed.  He looked around with a dazed look
on his face.  Then he saw my DVD collection, "cool! you have some good ones
in here......."  He leaned over and looked through the movies, his beautiful
ass in the air, I looked at it without any shame at all.  It's not like
anyones watching me hehe.

              We sat around for a while and watched some movies, then he
finally came over to the bed, and sat with me.  I layed out on the bed with
my arms behind my head, relaxed.  Jake seemed a bit nervous, I guess his mom
wasnt kidding when she said he's shy.....I wonder what she was talking about
after that though,  him being picked on and beaten up, I don't see how
anyone could even want to hurt this beautiful boy.....then, Jake layed down
too.  His whole face lit up bright red, mine must have too hehe.  This is
nice....


                  I looked over at his neck, I wanted to kiss it so bad, he
is by far, the most delicate and beautiful......*sigh* I just can't believe
he's laying here, NEXT TO ME!!! hehe.  I closed my eyes for a moment, and
opened them.  I felt complete.  Having him next to me laying there.  All
those nights I fell asleep, alone.  It felt like there was a piece missing,
now I know what that piece was, I needed Jake.  Jake is my missing piece to
the puzzle, Jake is part of me....The entire idea of Jake being straight had
left me by now.  I didn't care.   This is my happiness, this is my moment,
this is my time, nothing is going to ruin this.  This is for me.


             I was so lost in my daydream, that I didn't even notice that
Jake had layed his head on my arm.  The whole idea of him being that close
to me was in my mind for so long, that I didnt know how to take it.  I
freaked.  I whipped me body away from him, and stared at him wide eyed.  He
looked very hurt, he looked like I had just said something
very....very.....evil to him.  A film of water came over his eyes.  Then it
came, the tears just ran down his face.  Not tears of joy, the ones ive
dreamed of, but tears of pain.


        He got up, wiping tears from his eyes,  "Dylan, I'm gay! there it
is, I'm gay! I can't help what I feel.   The second I saw you in the art
room, I fell in love with you, you're so beautiful.  I love you Dylan, I
love you......I love everything about you, from your looks to your
personality.  Everything is so cool about you, the way you talk, its so
carefree, you seem like you'd accept anything, and you've said it
yourself....I wanted to tell you....so badly, but I couldnt.....I couldnt
stand the thought of you leaving me! Never talking to me again! That's
something I cant live with." He was hysterical, his eyes now steadily
flowing. He kept trying to hold the tears back, but he couldnt.  His
feelings were alot stronger than his hold over them.   They broke free.
"Dylan....." He whispered softly, but then he fell on the floor, and crawled
over to a corner and huddled up in it.  He looked as if he was hiding from
me, I saw his hands in front of him, shaking.

              My eyes were tearing up now, and every now and then a tear
would escape.  *sigh* even in that state of sorrow and pain, he was
beautiful.  Now it hit me, this is what his mother was talking about, the
kids were picking on him and beating him up because they found out he was
gay.  It's beyond me how they found out, but I didn't want to ask him.  I'm
sure he didn't want to talk about it, especially now.  People don't
understand how hard that is.  Me being bisexual, I can see both points of
views.  Loving someone, and not being able to tell them, that hurts so bad,
I can't even explain that.  I can see, that straight people feel
uncomfortable around gay people, picking on them is their own protection
against not knowing how to act, then others follow and they just do it,
because its what everyone else does.  The fact that gays are looked down on
and are the butt of every joke doesnt help either.  I can understand that
straight people feel nervous around gay people, but that is NO reason to
treat them like shit, and make their lives miserable.  This world doesnt
seem to know that, they cant seem to see it, and grasp it.  The world is a
long way from peace.  How can peace come, if things like this, racism,
ect.... still exist?


            I slowly moved closer to him.  I sat next to him.  I gazed at
his beauty.  "here...." I grabbed a picture of Jim Morrison out of my
drawer, it was of him looking at the crowd, undoubtedly stoned.  He looked
real cool hehe.  "Look at this, this is a picture of the singer of your
favorite band, he doesnt judge, hell, he explores everything in life, and
accepts it with open arms.  He is also the singer of my favorite band.  If
its one thing Jim Morrison taught me, it's that nothing is wrong, it's all
part of life."

         He looked a bit better now, but he put his head back into his arms.
  I put my arms around him, and held him close.  Then it happened.  I softly
kissed his head.  He looked up, confused.  I brought my forehead against his
and stared deeply and lovingly into his eyes, "Jake.....I Love You."  Then
our lips met.  This is by far, the most beautiful, and happiest moment of my
life.  His breathing got heavy, I felt that tug in my chest again.  Those
tears of pain, became tears of happiness.

            Moments of pain and hardship make those beautiful moments all
the more worthile, and more special.  If we didnt have the pain, we would
take those good moments for granted, and they wouldnt be as special.


        I picked him up and layed him on my bed.  Our lips never left for a
moment. Hehe.  I put my hands behind his back and held him on the bed.  Our
lips moving against each other, a beautiful ceremony of love.  We stopped
kissing, and just layed on the bed, staring into each others eyes, still red
from crying.  I reach out and touched his face.  His skin, so soft and
smooth.  He mouthed "I love you".  I mouthed, "I love you too, Jake."  We
were beyond words, our souls connected, this was a moment when words were
not needed, our bodies and feelings expressed all that needed  to be.


             He hugged me tightly, "I'm so glad I met you, I love you so
much.....I love you.....hehe, I'll never get tired of saying that."  he
said.  "Those are words with so much feeling, that they can't be worn out."
I said, finally feeling complete.