Date: Tue, 17 Jan 2006 16:43:05 -0500
From: Dylan Croft <twilightki@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Pain Passes, But The beauty Remains. Ch. 2

      Hello.  This is Jake, the story left off where me and Dylan first
met/found each other. The stroy will continue, but first I have to tell you
of my past.



         One day my mom just came up to me and said we were moving.  Nothing
else just, "Jake, what do you want for supper, oh yeah, we're moving".  I
felt so excited once I heard those words.  Don't get me wrong, I love this
place, I just dont like the people who live here besides me and my mom.  My
father died a few years ago from lung cancer, I really wish he gave up
smoking....

      Since I haven't had a real mascualine father type of figure, Ive
actually become quite feminine.  Oh yeah, im openly gay, something which I
do not regret, thats who I am.  When I do move though, I think I'll keep it
a secret though.  Ive been through horrible treatment here, nothing I can't
stand, being feminine doesnt make you weak....but I sure dont like having to
stand it....

      I talked to my mom after that, and she said we'd be moving in a few
days.  I can't wait!!! this will be so cool, im gonna be able to make
friends and stuff, and have sleepovers this is gonna be so cool!!!!!

     I ran upstairs and started to pack, I left enough clothes unboxed for
about a week.  I didnt really have alot of things, so it didnt take very
long to pack.  The only things in my room were a few boxes stacked up and my
bed, which I was laying on.  I was so excited, my mind was filled with all
kinds of thoughts.  "What will it be like?"  "What kind of friends will I
make"  then after that the thought "I hope theres cute guys..." went through
my head, and it made me a little sad, since I'm not going to be open about
my sexuality, I wont be able to have a boyfriend....not like its any
different from here though, I bet theres gay kids here too, but theyre too
afraid to come out, and even if they liked me, they probably wouldnt like me
anyways.......

         I dont know, I'm very self-concious, I always try to look good, and
im always thinking that I dont look good.  You can call it low self-esteem.
It sucks, im very shy, and afraid to try new things, and the kids at school
dont help it either....

I quickly got rid of all those bad thoughts and started to think positively
again.  I smiled to myself, "this is going to be nice, im going to make lots
of friends, and im going to be happy".

          I woke up the next day, not wanting to go to school.  "only a few
more days of this....." I quietly said to myself.  I got up, did my regular
shower get breakfast thing and headed out the door.  I walked down the
sidewalk, with my head down.  I followed the regular route to school that I
took everyday, but soon I wouldnt.  I smiled to myself.

          Before I knew it I was at school and when I looked up, I slammed
right into the chest of a jock.  His name is Andy, one of my biggest
tormentors. "Hey faggot! whatcha smilin' about?"  "n..n....n..nothing" I
stammered.  He gave me a hard smack on the cheek.  "Don't let me catch you
doin' it again"  He raised his hand about to hit me again, before he got to
his buddy, Randy called him.  "Hey Andy, get over here!"  "Cant you see im
busy!?" he shouted back.  "Dude!!" Randy called urgently.  "Jesus Christ, IM
COMING!.....I deal with you later, fagboy." Then he ran off.

       I sighed and then continued on my way into school.  I went to my
locker, with my head down, hopefully not catching anyones attention.  I
quickly did the combination to my locker, I was about to put all my books
in, but then I felt a hard slap on the back of my head, I didnt even look to
see who it was.  "Just get into homeroom.." I thought to myself.  My whole
body slammed against the locker and as it did my body made a noise like a
hurt animal as it did.  "hey bitch, I bet you liked that didnt you, I heard
that squeal, you sick homo"  It was Bobby, he never really paid any
attention to me, sort of avoided me.  I guess he wanted to pick on me today.
He slapped the books out of my arms, "G'bye, queer."

       I can't believe people are like this, just because of my sexual
preference......See, one day, a few years ago, I told someone I was gay, and
then they told someone....and they told somone....and then the whole school
knew.  I mean, why arent people more open-minded? Why are gays looked on as
ugle or digusting, or funny? I cant see it, why are we the butt of every
joke.....*sigh*....it just, hurts sometimes....


         I picked up my books, put them in my locker, and go to class.  The
rest of the day went on pretty ok, a few slaps here, a few insults there,
nothing worse than usual.......Once the bell rang I ran out the door hoping
not to get into any more confrontations.  I saw the bus in view, "almost
there" I said to myself.  Ah, no day can be a good one?  someone tripped me.
  I fell on the cement, good thing I had my hands out, so my hands only got
a little scraped, if they hadnt been so quick my jaw could have hit it, and
I'd be hurting.  "Hey faggot" And said, grinning.  "I told you I'd deal with
you later, didnt I?"  he kicked me in the side "didnt I !?" he said louder,
I nodded.  "fuckin' faggot..." he raised his hand like he was going to give
me a full powershot, but then stopped, I cringed.  He laughed an abnoxious
laugh, "I bet your mother can't fuckin' stand a little faggot like you, I
bet your mom cries herself to sleep every night, wishing she didnt have a
little queer"  He walked away.  I got on my bus and bunched me and my
backpack into the corner of the seat and the window.  I started to cry,  no
one paid any attention.  "Just another few days.....just another fews
days.....just another few days...." I reassured myself inbetween sniffels.


       The bus came to a stop, I made sure I had stopped crying and my eyes
werent all puffy before I went in.  I didn't want my mom to see me like
that.  I opened the door and was greeted by the smell of spaghetti sauce
cooking.  It smelled delicious, I went into the kitchen, "hey honey, im
making spaghetti and meatballs for supper tonight....hey, since you dont
really need them...im gonna let you take the next few days off, so you can
help out packing stuff and just take a break before all the hussle of
moving."  I wore the biggest grin I could, and gave my mom a gigantic hug.
"whooa!, I....love...you too....Jake...."  I let go, "sorry mom, I guess I
was a little too happy to hear that" I said laughing.  I ran up to my room
and layed down on my bed.  No more beatings, name calling, no more Andy, no
more mean kids...."everything is beautiful!!" I said outloud to myself.


       The next day I woke up, and just layed there, I didnt think about
anything, I just layed there, with my arms wide open, smiling.  No more
worries.  Everything from now on will be good.  After a little while I got
up and helped mom pack downstairs.  All the packing and moving took about 3
days.  When we got to the new place we lived I couldnt do anything but sigh
at everything, it was all so beautiful, I was starting to question if this
was a dream or not hehe.  It didnt take a long time to unpack everything,
about 3 hours.  After we were all done picking out the rooms for everything,
I decided to take a walk around the neighborhead to check things out.  No
more having to keep my head down, I can keep it raised as high as I want
hehe.  And for once, I'm excited about going to school!!! .......I'll be
going to my new school tomorrow!


             That morning I took my time with everything, I woke up and hour
earlier than usually do, so I would have time to relax, figure things out,
and get ready.  I woke up, put in my Doors cd and played it, I love The
Doors, they give me so much courage, when I listen to them I dont care about
what people think.  It was 5:30 in the morning and I was jumping around
dancing to music, hehe.  I made sure my hair was all perfect, I put on my
favorite pair of clothes, made sure I looked good.  Mom drove me that day
before heading off to work, because she knew that I'd be on a bus with new
people, and I wouldnt feel that in place.  So I got out of the car, head
high.  I walked in and went to homeroom, the nerves hit me like a bag of
bricks, I wasnt so nervous in my life! ....I went in sat down, I didnt have
the nerves to talk to anybody, and this went on for the rest of the day, by
the time art class came around I felt like a dummy for not talking to
anyone.  The art teacher, Mrs. Hansen introduced me to the class, then I saw
him, sitting at a table by himself, the most handsome creature on this
earth, I dont care if hes gay or not! I have to sit down and talk to him!



            "hey, im Dylan, you're Jake, right?"he said, "yep" I managed to
get out.  Dylan was totally comfortable, he had no problem talking to me, he
just started talking about his life, and even some personal things hehe, and
it figures he likes The Doors too! hehe.   By the end of the class we were
talking like old pals, and I actually opened right up.  The day was over,
that was the last class and I said bye to him as I got onto my bus.
"hey..hey, Jake! dude, whats your phone number? so I can call you or
something"  "umm...uuh....ok, do you have a pen and paper?"  He dug through
his backpack and got a pen and a scrap of paper form his from what it looks
like, history notes.  "call me" we both said in unison.  I think I blushed,
I quickly got on the bus before it left.  OH MY GOD!!!  This beautiful boy
wants me to call him, what if hes not gay? who cares! I have a friend!!!


            When I got home I nearly jummped through the door I was so
excited, "mom! this guy gave me his number! we were talking in school and
stuff....and...and he likes The Doors!" I ran up stairs to my room and layed
down on my bed, looking at Dylan's phone number.  I didn't have enough nerve
to call him, no way I could do that, I'll just wait here and hope he calls.

       I sat there for only a short while, then I heard the phone downstairs
ring, I jumped up from my bed and nearly fell down the stairs.
"umm...hello", "hey Jake" It was him, as a natural reaction to phone calls I
said "Who is this??", "its Dylan, dont you remember me?", "Hey Dylan!" "hey
uh Jake, you wanna come over on saturday?", "uuh sure! where do you
live...you gotta give me directions...." blah blah blah we talked about how
to get to his house and that was it, I was going to go to Dylan's house
tomorrow!!  This is by far, the happiest day of my life.

    I don't think I really did much for the rest of the day but think about
Dylan, and think about going over his house, all of the scenarios
involved...."hey..Dylan, you're so sexy you know that yep, you know what I
wanna do?..." hehe I laughed to myself, no way! was I gonna say something
that stupid.  I'm gonna go over his house, hangout nothing more, cause hes
straight, you heard him talking about girls in the art room.  Then it hit
me, a hollow pain in my chest, I know, I know, I wanted a friend...but..I
want a boyfriend even more....and Dylan seems perfect.....


      The next day I made sure I looked perfect, combed my hair all nice
then shook it to make a perfect messy effect, put on some nice clothes and
started to take care of my nerves.  I sat there and tried to take my mind
off of things, if you're nervous, the last thing to do is think about it.
"You ready Jake?" my mom called from the kitchen, "yep!"  I looked in the
mirror one last time and took a deep breath before going out to the car. The
whole ride over my hands were shaking, I was so nervous.  I kept thinking
about how things will go, I hope everything will be alright.


           "Here it is...." mom said pulling into a driveway.  My
nervousness enhanced, and my breaths became short.  I saw Dylan run out the
front door, and my mom got out and shook his hand.  I took one final deep
breath, and got out.  I couldnt help but give him a big smile, he smiled
back.  "I'm so glad Jake found a friend, he had a hard time at his other
school because those kids seemed to have a problem with...." I felt
embarrasment rise in my stomache, "Mom!", "oh, sorry Jake..umm, uuh, I'll be
going, bye Dylan", she kissed me on the forhead before she left in her car.
I smiled at Dylan again.  "lets go inside" Dylan said with that cute smile
of his.


   We went straight up to his room.  I could not believe it, I was standing
in the very place where the boy of my dreams sleeps.  I was so nervous I
didnt know what to do, so I spotted a DVD collection he had, and went
straight over to it, "hey you got some good ones here..." we decided we'd
watch some movies, so we sat down on his bed and started the movies.  About
halfway into the first movie he layed down, and I felt pretty weird sitting
on the bed while he was laying down.  So I swallowed my nerves....and layed
down too.  I was very calm on the outside, but on the inside I was going
insane.  I just layed down next to him and he didnt do anything, not the
"what the fuck? get the fuck away" stuff I was expecting, he just layed
there watching the movie.

        Since I did that, I felt like I could do anything, so I decided, I
was going to put my head on his arm, I was completely unsure of what was
going to happen, but I was going to risk it, I cant just be this boys
friend, I have to be his boyfriend, its either this or nothing, now or
never, I have to do this.   So I leaned over and gently, so carefully and so
slowly, put my head on his arm.  I did not breathe, I held my breath.  after
about a minute, he jumped away.  Kind of like an animal being attacked, like
he just noticed what I had done, and it completely shocked him.  And that,
that hurt alot, I wont lie, it hurt alot....

       I didn't even feel the tears come, they just fell down my face,
everything was gone now, everything all my hope.  So I decided to come out
with it, "Dylan, im gay, alright, im gay, there it is, I didnt want to tell
you but I couldnt stand the thought of just being friend with you, I know
your straight, and im gay, and that hurts!"  I wanted to get away, I had to
go somewhere, so out of instinct I went over to a corner in his room and
huddled up like a ball in it.  I couldnt look at him, that wasnt even
possible right now, so I just sat there with my head in my arms.  He sat
down next to me, and showed me a picture of Jim Morrison, "hey Jake, look at
him.  Thats the singer of my favorite band, and yours.  He doesnt judge
anything, he accepts it with open arms, he explores everything in life
fearlessly."  I felt a little better now, knowing that he wont judge me, but
I was still wallowing in a pit of sorrow.  Why can't I just have a normal
life?  Why do I have to worry about wether someones like I am before asking
them out? Why can't I like someone without fear of being judged?


    Then, he put his arms around me, and kissed my forehead.  What!?? What
just happened? That was no "friendly" kiss, I felt that, no just on my skin,
but it was as if he kissed my heart.  I looked at him deeply, trying to
figure him out, then he said "Jake, I love you."  And all my weight dropped,
I was a feather, I was a cloud, I was weightless, while my heart felt so
heavy. He kissed my lips, at first I was dumbfounded, but I wanted to enjoy
this moment to the fullest, and I kissed him back.  Those tears of sorrow on
my face, became warm, I looked at Dylan, he was crying too, the light
outside was reflecting off his tears, making him look like an angel, I
hugged him.  He picked my up into those strong loving arms and layed me down
on the bed and we continued making out, and we just layed there, for the
longest time, two beings, connected at the mouth, our briliance shining
throughout the universe.

           After that, we just layed there, staring into each others eyes.
I couldn't say anything, we were beyond words.  I mouthed "I Love You." to
him, and he did it back, only adding in "too".  I grabbed me and hugged me
tightly.  After a while I felt it was nesscesary to speak, "I'm so glad I
met you, Dylan. I love you, I love you I love  you I love you I love you I
love you!, hehe, I don't think I'll ever get tired of those words...."
"Jake, those are words that have so much emotion and meaning, that they
can't be worn out."  I look at him, and knew we were meant to be together.