Date: Thu, 21 Jun 2012 16:48:56 -0700 (PDT)
From: Tyler Adams <tyleradamsbooks@yahoo.com>
Subject: The Paths We Chose ch20

     Chapter 20

     As happy as I was now on a fairly regular basis, Phil seemed to go in
and out of some sort of a funk. I caught him staring at Eddie a couple of
times, but I don't think he noticed me noticing. Evidently, I wasn't the
only one who caught him, though. Our schedules had change for the third
marking period and now all four of us, Phil, Dillon, Eddie, and I had the
same lunch period. It was at lunch one day when I noticed Phil was
preoccupied; furtively stealing glances at Eddie. He and Dillon must have
something worked out between them, because Dillon just hauled off and
slugged Phil in the arm about as hard as he could. He's kind of a little
guy, but the thud his fist made when it contacted Phil's arm was loud
enough to turn a few heads, including the cafeteria monitor. The reason I
figure they've got something worked out was because Phil immediately
dropped his face into his hands. He didn't even say ouch or anything. He
just sat there and looked about as gloomy as I'd ever seen him.
     Later, Phil showed me his upper arm, which was a mass of bruises, and
explained that he'd asked Dillon to do that when he saw him staring at a
guy. Judging by the number of knuckle marks on his arm, I'm guessing
Eddie's not the only one he's checked out while Dillon was around.
     "Why don't you tell him you were just kidding?" I asked.
     "If I tell him that, he's gonna think I've given up."
     "If I remember," I started to say, but Phil quickly cut me off by
finishing my sentence for me. "...you know a secret about me that I don't
want to hear about."
     This boy is seriously losing it, I thought to myself. "Look, you can't
go on pretending. You either have to run away from the fence, or you have
to jump over it," I told him, wondering where the thought came from.
     Phil paused a moment, then it sounded like he whispered, "Thank you,
Jesus."
     Okay, so now I know he's not losing it. In fact, he's already lost it,
I thought to myself.
     "That's the answer I've been praying for."
     "What is," I asked, getting more confused by the minute.
     "What you just said. God used you to tell me what I couldn't hear him
telling me alone."
     "How could I tell you God's answer? I don't even believe in him."
     "He used a donkey one time in the bible. If he can do that, then I
guess he can use a person without them knowing it."
     If I thought he was calling me an ass – or worse – I would have
gotten mad, but this was just bizarre. Everything about him changed. It was
like someone had reached inside him and flipped a switch to make him like
he was before. I decided I'd better keep an eye on him for the rest of the
day to make sure he didn't like go whacko or something.

     I was across the hallway from him when he caught up to Dillon. Dillon
looked as surprised by the change in Phil as I had. They laughed about
something, and then Phil leaned in and told him something private. Dillon
looked surprised, then smacked Phil on the back and shook his hand. That's
when Eddie caught up to me and draped his arm around my shoulder. We hadn't
officially "come out", but I'm sure anyone who was paying attention knew
about us.
     "Ése, whatchu watchin' man. I seen you looking like you're checkin'
out someone."
     "Phil," I whispered, nodding to where he was talking with Dillon. "I
think he's lost it. He made me swear not to tell anyone, but he's got this
secret that's been getting him down a lot, and we were talking, and then
all of a sudden I said something stupid, and he's like `that's God's answer
to my problem.'"
     "What'd you tell him?"
     "I can't tell you."
     "Why not?"
     "He thinks checkin' out guys is bad, `cause if his friends at church
find out, he's afraid they'll kick him out, or something."
     "Doesn't sound like `hate the sin, love the sinner' to me."
     "Huh?"
     "Sorry, they tell you that at church sometimes when they don't know
how to deal with something someone's doing. You know you just told me his
secret."
     I gulped, then made Eddie swear he wouldn't tell anyone, even if it
didn't seem like a big deal."

     Next morning on the way out of homeroom, Phil wanted to know what I
got Eddie for Valentine's Day. I hadn't even thought of it, but now that he
brought it up my mind started racing. Just ten minutes ago, I had caught
Eddie staring. ...Not at me, either.
     I had asked him, "Why are you staring at Brian Lomax?" before he could
tear his eyes away and act all innocent.
     He didn't even try to cover it up. "Lex, he's one freakin' sweet
cachas. You ever noticed how `his pecs have that hard ridge below
them. That dude is ripped, man."
     "What? So you want me to start juicing my body so I can look like a
freak?"
     "It doesn't hurt to look. Don't worry, boyfiren', I hear he's going
out with Arielle Zimmerman."
     I knew it would sound kind of lame, but I said it anyway. "I just
don't like it. If we're boyfriends, then you shouldn't be checking out
other guys" I had countered to keep him on the hook.
      "Alex, I wasn't checking him out, I was just looking. Give me a
break. Jus' `cause I look at some guy doesn't mean I'm gonna start hitting
on him."
     ...So anyway, that's what I was thinking about when Phil asked me, so
I didn't really have an answer for him, but it did get me to thinking. I
had never in my life had anyone that I even could give a Valentine.
     "Something special," I asked more than told him. He really surprised
me with what he suggested.
     "I cannot believe you just said that," I said in mock disbelief, and
then watched his face turn scarlet.
     "Sorry," was his meek reply. "It's just that I kind of figured it
might be something you'd both like."
     "Actually, that's a great idea," I told him, and then proceeded to
unfold my plan to get a matching set while he held his fingers to his ears
like he didn't want to listen.
     "If you weren't such a prude, I'd kiss you," I told him, testing to
see if he could hear me.
     "Yeah, well, I am; so don't."
     We both laughed and traded punches. Phil's grimace reminded me of his
pact with Dillon.
     "Why don't you just give in and go with the flow? I'm sure Eddie knows
someone we could hook up with you."
     "Nope," he stated matter-of-factly. "I'm over the hump."
     It was all in fun, but I was suddenly aware that I had crossed the
line again. "Sorry, Phil, It's just that I'm happy for the first time in my
life, and sometimes you look... Well, you just look like I used to feel
before I found Eddie."
     "I'm so nervous about the dance that Dillon made me ask Bethany to. I
never kissed anyone besides my mom, and I think that's the next step in my
turning the corner on things. Besides, I think she's kind of expecting it."
     "Wanna practice a little?"
     "Sure wouldn't hurt," he muttered without thinking. He must have seen
my eyes light up, because he quickly added, "...Mom is so gonna not like it
when I try to stick my tongue in her mouth like I see you and Eddie doing."
     More laughs, another punch, and another grimace by Phil.
     "Have fun at the dance," I said over my shoulder as I headed for
class. He really did look kind of scared when I said that. Seeing him so
sullen made me feel sorry for him. I realized too that helping him to
practice kissing wasn't just something I wanted to do for a friend. There's
something about Phil that sometimes makes me think I'd ditch Eddie in a
heartbeat if he were to ever change his mind about being gay. I mean,
Eddie's a lot of fun, but sometimes I don't think we're ever going to be on
the same page; he's a flirt, and I guess I have to admit I'm kind of the
jealous type.

     "Where were you yesterday after school?" I asked Eddie in homeroom. I
didn't really care when a few heads turned to see what was up. I was mad at
him again. This time for telling me he was going to meet me and then
standing me up.
     "Working. I told you I got a job at Hart's printing shop."
     "When did you tell me that?"
     "Fifth period. You were talking to someone but you looked right at me,
so I figured you heard me."
     "You so did not tell me that. I was waiting for you at The Coffee Nut
for like over an hour."
     "I did tell you, man. Anyway, I got to work Tuesday, Wednesday, and
Thursday after school and on Saturday until I get all my work done for the
week."
     "Why do you need to work?" I asked, thinking his family already had
all the money they needed. I was also wondering what I was going to do with
all my time since we pretty much were together whenever we weren't in
school.
     "My dad says it's to teach me to pull my own weight. He cut my
allowance at the beginning of the year so I have to come up with my own
money anyway."

     It was a warm day for early February, so I decided to get out my deck
and join Phil and Dillon at the park. Till now, Dillon had completely
steered clear of anything to do with me and Eddie being a couple, so it
surprised me when he started talking about it.
     "I was reading about some stuff the other day and it made me think of
you guys," he said, obviously referring to me and Eddie. "You should ask a
girl out on a date, `cause you're probably just confused about some things
that happened to you when you were a kid. When you find out girls aren't
the way you think they are, your brain'll kick in or something and you'll
be like everyone else."
     Phil looked embarrassed, and I was thinking maybe it was Dillon's
brain that needed kicked in.
     "Maybe you should ask a guy out," I retorted. "Maybe you'd find out it
doesn't work like that."
     "You won't know unless you try."
     "Fine. I'll set you up with Eddie, and you set me up with your
girlfriend. We'll go on a double date and watch each other get
enlightened."
     Both Dillon and Phil laughed, but it was kind of a nervous laugh.
     After Dillon left, Phil and I made our way to his house for supper. On
the way, I finally got to talk to him about what was bothering me.
     "Do you think Eddie likes me, likes me? I mean, I like being with him
and all, but he's like always checking out other guys when we go
somewhere. Last week he even started hitting on some college guy while I
was standing right there next to him. Why would he do that if he liked me?
I felt about this big," I said holding my thumb and forefinger about an
inch apart.
     "Do you guys have like an open relationship?"
     "What's that? You mean like we can go out with other guys?"
     "Yeah"
     "We never really talked about it. Why would we?"
     "Do you think he might think it's okay then? ...I mean since you never
exactly said you couldn't."
     I almost wished I had kept my mouth shut when Phil continued talking
by telling me that both he and Dillon had seen him places with other guys
on nights when he said he was working.
     "Maybe what you're wanting in a relationship isn't the same thing he
wants. You know?"
     "What are you talking about," I shot back at him. "Either it's a
relationship or it's not."
     "Call it curiosity or whatever, but I Googled gay relationships the
other day. I was just curious I guess. Anyway, from what I found out, I'd
say Eddie's more like the average gay guy than you are. I mean like from
what I read, almost all gay guys play the field sometimes. ...Actually, if
the statistics are true, most gays play the field most of the time," he
said emphasizing "most" both times. "Even in states where gay marriage is
legal, hardly anyone ever ends up in an exclusive relationship, even for
part of their life. If Eddie's like that, then he probably wonders what's
wrong with you."
     I guess that's not exactly what I wanted to hear at the
moment. "You're just jealous, because we're honest with ourselves about who
we are."
      "I'm not talkin' about that, Alex. I'm just saying that when you make
a choice to do something, you can't just pick out the parts you like and
pretend the parts you don't like don't exist. Look what happened when I
decided to became a Christian. Even if I do still like guys, it's either
marry a woman, or stay single. I gave up the possibility of having a
boyfriend so I could have peace in my life. I had to take the bad along
with the good, and so does everyone else.
     "Look, Alex, be real. Maybe Eddie doesn't' want what you want. Like
maybe he just needs a lot of different guys to like him. Maybe with you and
Eddie there's no such thing as `living happily ever after' with only each
other."
     "Says who?" I challenged Phil, clenching my teeth and throwing his
fists up in front of me.
     "Look, Alex, I didn't mean it that way. I'm just trying to get you to
be real about things. Maybe Eddie will never be who you want him to be –
can't you see that? If what you want is an exclusive relationship, then
maybe you should look for a girl to get chummy with. At least then you'd
have a little better chance. ... Eddie's a great guy, but maybe flirting
with other guys is normal to him. You have to accept that, Alex... or else
move on."
     Sometimes the truth hits you so hard you have to fight back at the
delivery vehicle. In this case, the unfortunate messenger was Phil, who
took my best shot to his jaw. I stared a brief moment in disbelief at what
I had just done and then turned and ran.

     It totally freaked me out when Phil wasn't on the bus that
afternoon. Since Eddie was working, I had no one to talk to about it, so I
just sat around the house and fretted. I dreaded opening the email Phil had
sent to me even though the subject line had "SORRY" written in it.

     Alex,
     Please forgive me for saying that stuff to you at school. I had no
right to assume anything about you or Eddie. I wish I didn't feel like I
have to try to fix everyone's problems all the time. The bible says we
should get the log out of our own eye before we try to get the speck out of
someone else's eye. Your fist helped to remind me of that. I was just being
a jerk. I hope we can still be friends. I'm gonna try extra hard to not do
that stuff anymore. I'm praying that you and Eddie can work things out.
     See you at school tomorrow,
     BFF,
     Phil
     PS: I don't think you broke my jaw, but every time I open my mouth
wide, something pops.

     I didn't have a clue how to react to Phil's email. I must have read
the first line like a bajillion times. I nearly break his jaw because I
couldn't control my anger over him telling me the truth, and he asks me to
forgive him? That was so far off my radar screen that I decided tomorrow
when I saw him, I'd just pretend like nothing had ever happened.