Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2012 03:22:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: Tyler Adams <tyleradamsbooks@yahoo.com>
Subject: The Paths We Chose ch 24

     Chapter 24

     It wasn't just the fact that Eddie had left school today in Brian's
car. It was the matter of fact way he also raised his eyebrows and shrugged
his shoulders at me when he did it that was killing me. Yesterday at school
Eddie told me he needed "space" – that he needed freedom to be able to
do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted to do it with. I knew the
minute he told me, that Brian Lomax was at least one of the "whoevers" he
was talking about.
     Why can't I just be happy playing his game? It's not like I try to kid
myself into believing we would someday settle down together. I'm not even
sure, after watching my mom and dad act like a couple of two-year-olds
every time they were in the same room together, I ever wanted that anyway.
Still, ever since I got home from school, I've been sitting here at my
desk, feeling sad for myself, and at the same time angry at Eddie for doing
this to me. ...And staring into the half-full bottle of Valium mom left in
the medicine cabinet when she moved out.
     I thought maybe leaving them all behind with nothing but a memory –
one that would hopefully hurt them as much as the pain I'm feeling right
now, seemed like the only way to get back at all of them.
     "I wish to god it was me who had died and not my brother Daryl," I
heard myself mumbling out loud as Phil entered the room. "That would have
made things a lot easier for everyone."
     "What are you talking about? Alex, you shouldn't talk like that.
That's not something to joke about."
     "Who's joking," I answered, showing him the pill bottle.
     "Man, don't even go there. Do you know how lonely I was before I met
you."
     His words did little to raise my spirits.
     "Want me to go downstairs and grab us a Coke?"
     "Whatever. Maybe Coke and Valium can get me out of this mess."
     I can sense Phil's extreme nervousness as his glances switched from
the doorway to me and back again.
     "Alex, man, you've got to chill. You're kind of scaring me.
     "That's a great pic," he said when he saw the picture of Eddie on my
computer monitor. I hadn't even noticed that Eddie was still my Windows
wallpaper. He was leaning against the white stucco wall of our house.  A
row of perfectly straight, white, teeth gleamed against the dark skin of
his thin lips. His entire face was lit up with a smile, almost as if he was
looking at an angel.  He had his black wife-beater off and draped over his
right shoulder so you could see his perfectly formed torso and meaty pecs.
His white cargos were sagging low, exposing the top of his black CKs.
      "He really means a lot to you doesn't he?"
     "Meant a lot to me," I answered, staring at the picture.
     "I... I was kinda wondering about that after what happened in the club
meeting."
     He put my hand on my shoulder and sat down next to me. "Smile, ése"
he said, trying to imitate Eddie's voice.
     I don't thing Phil was expecting me to react like I did. He couldn't
have known that I kind of saw him as my last hope. I pressed my leg against
his, softly touching his thigh. He jumped, then anxiously sat still for a
moment.
     "Phil? You know how you always tell me how everyone needs help from
someone else sometimes, to like help them? I think I need someone like that
to help right now."
     "Jesus is there for you, Alex. He'd get you through this if you'll
give him a chance."
     "At the moment, I couldn't care less if Jesus was standing right here
beside me. Can't you see that you're the one he sent to help me, and you're
too freakin' stubborn to know it. Why can't you see that he made you gay
for a reason?"
     At first, Phil was lost for words. Then he started stuttering about
how God didn't work like that. Like what, I had no clue. All I knew is that
I figured Phil was queer as me, and yet refused to accept it. As far as I
was concerned, that made him every bit as messed up as me.
     "Phil, look, I know what you said before, and I respect the way you
believe in God and all, but even you admitted to me that God didn't seem to
listen to you begging him to make you straight. Why can't you take that as
a sign? All I'm asking is... Well... I mean... well we wouldn't have
to... you know... do everything if you didn't want to, but we could still
be boyfriends and just hug each other like you said that guy showed you at
camp.
     "Phil, I can't make it without someone... I can wait for you. I just
need someone to be there and help me through this."
     I could see my words were drawing him like a magnet toward something
that he was sure would spell trouble for him. He blushed as he felt the
heat of my stare.
     "I can't Alex. All I've worked for this past year... All I believe
in... God, part of me wants it to be okay to give in to what you're saying,
but the other part – the bigger part right now, says that I can't...
that I shouldn't. That email you sent me a while back... The one where you
told me how you feel about me... Well I felt it too. I'm afraid of what
would happen if I gave in to that temptation – that I couldn't just stop
with being your boyfriend. I think about it a lot. Sometimes I wish things
were different, but there's something inside of me; something even more
powerful than that desire, that makes me know Jesus is real, and that he
has other plans for my life. I pray for God to give me strength to look for
better ways to show you my love, Alex. I'm certain that the path that I
chose is the right one for me. I think it could be the right one for you
to. Why won't you give it a try?
     I slumped back into my chair feeling like he was asking me to be
someone I could never be; my hope draining away like cold, gray, bath
water. Phil reached over and hugged my neck. My body convulsed with a
single sob as I turned and buried my eyes on my shoulder.
     We sat and breathed each other's scent.
     I'm not sure how long we sat there like that before I lifted my head
and started to explain.
     "After Eddie got that job at the print shop, he changed. He stopped
pretending he wasn't looking at other guys when we were together. I guess I
just wasn't good enough for him. I'm not good enough for anyone. No one
would even miss me if I were gone" I mumbled, looking again at the bottle
of Valium sitting on top of my desk.
     "What do you mean" Phil pleaded, sensing the gravity of my
situation. I think the panic in his voice surprised both of us. He had no
way of knowing exactly how serious I was being about the subject, but he
certainly wasn't dismissing it as small talk.
     "Whatever," I repeated for the umpteenth time.
     "Look, you're my friend, Alex... I'll help you get through this" Phil
told me. "I'll do anything you want if you'll just promise not to."
     There was an awkward pause as the two of us thought about our own
unique situations. I buried my face in my hands, knowing that I couldn't
ask of him what I really wanted him to do for me. ...not after what he'd
just told me again about his stand on having a boyfriend.
     "I can't," I whispered, reaching for the small bottle, wondering if I
really would end my pain, or if it would just be the doorway to an even
worse torture than this.
     "Did he actually tell you he was breaking up with you," Phil asked.
     Given the situation, it seemed like a stupid thing to ask. I switched
screens on my computer to show him the email that Eddie sent me this
morning.

     Alex,
     I guess you probably figured things out about me and Brian by
now. We've been doing stuff together since like January. I guess I never
told you, but I got fired from my job at the print shop after two weeks
because the owner kind of caught me and one of the salesmen doing some
stuff. I'm surprised you never figured it out, but I'm glad that you
didn't, because I didn't really want to lose you even though me and Brian
were having a lot of fun at the time. I wish things could have gone
different with me and you. I mean not everything, just some things, because
I really do like you a lot. Anyways, thanks for being my friend ever since
I moved here. I'll never forget some of the really good times we had
together. I guess I should tell you that I'm sorry I couldn't measure up to
your standards sometimes but that would be a lie, so I'll just say it's
been real. I really like you a lot Alex, but I guess I don't really want to
be tied down to only one guy so that's the reason why I'm moving on.
     Your xBFF,
     Eduardo
     PS: Look me up sometime when you're lonely.
     PPS: Tell Phil that I'll give him his skateboard back next time I see
him.
     E-

     "What a jerk."
     I flipped back to the desktop photo of Eddie and gazed at it again.
     "I feel so stupid for letting him use me like he did. I knew for a
while he didn't have a job, but I tried to make myself believe that he just
needed some time to be alone. Yeah, right... alone. Before I was born, my
dad was trying to save enough money so they could have the doctor suck my
brains out. My mom only had me because she thought I was a freakin' girl,
and now she's divorcing my dad because I'm not. I heard her tell my dad she
was only planning to stick around `till Daryl graduated anyway, so since
he's gone, there was no reason for her sticking around anymore. I'm just a
loser – like I have a big `L' on my forehead that everyone can see but
me. I'm just tired of trying. I'm always the one who ends up getting
screwed in the end. What's the point, Phil? My whole life's a freakin'
mistake. Even God made a mistake when he took Daryl instead of me.
     I opened a different picture of Eddie on my computer and stared at it
– this one of him hanging out the window of his mom's car with a spliff
dangling between his fingers and a huge smile on his face. I watched as the
small dialog box appeared in the middle of the screen asking if I was sure
I wanted to send the picture to the Recycle Bin.
     For the next half hour we sat there while Phil talked and I deleted
photo after photo of me and Eddie.
     "Phil, doesn't it suck to be like you are?  I mean... knowing that you
can't ever have a boyfriend if you want to?  Aren't you scared that you'll
be lonely all your life?"
     "No, man, I've got friends like you and Dillon to keep me from getting
lonely. You can have strong friendships without them being a boyfriend or
girlfriend. It's only sometimes when my hormones get out of control that I
slip up and think about wishing I could have a boyfriend. My faith in God
helps me to look at friends differently, I guess, so I can control my
desires most of the time.
     "What?" Phil asked, seeing me shaking my head in disbelief. How can he
not see that being a Christian warps a person's whole way of thinking? Why
was he always trying to believe in something that he couldn't see? How many
times was he going to tell me he liked guys, and then turn around and try
to make me believe it was just a temporary thing until he could convince
God to fix him?
     I opened the pill bottle and dumped one of the small yellow tablets
into the palm of my hand.
     "Alex, before I asked God for help, I felt like I was totally out of
control of everything. I'm not really sure how faith works, but it seems
like since I gave my life to the Lord, I've been able to look at friends
differently, and can control my desires. Sometimes it's still a struggle,
though. Like that time Eddie started hitting on me."
     I really wish he'd listen to what he tells me so he could hear how
ridiculous his arguments are. Believing in something when it's obvious to
everyone else it's not gonna happen is not faith, like he claims it is,
it's just plain stupidity.
     A slight smile forced its way into the corners of my lips, remembering
the look on Phil's face when Eddie tried to kiss him, but it only lasted
for a moment.
     "...that really had me freaked. That's as close as I've ever come to
turning my back on God. I guess I never really thanked you for respecting
me by telling him I wasn't into it. God used you to keep me from
falling. You're the one who saved me from turning my back on what I
believe."
     For some reason, I was able to ignore the Jesus stuff, and just hear a
friend's sincere words of thanks. I never realized how desperate the
situation had been for Phil. His words put a little crack in my sullen
mood, and I dropped the pill back into the bottle.
     "Even that time you thought I hated you when you told me you were gay,
I still considered you my friend, Alex. I always knew you didn't really
want to hurt me; it's just that you didn't understand where I was coming
from back then."
     Phil's cell phone started to vibrate in his pocket. He looked at it,
mentioned the word "mom," and settled back into his chair.
     "Alex, please don't check out. I mean, well you couldn't ever find the
good things in life if you did that. Before I went away to camp, I thought
everything in my life was going wrong too. After I met Casey, I thought
doin' the stuff he was into, like drinkin' and sex would change things in
my life. Instead of feeling better about things, I started using drugs to
like kill my conscience because I felt worse than before. I thought that
that was the answer, but none of the stuff I used to try to make me feel
good ever lasted for very long. I was so desperate to find a way out of the
mess I was in I even ended up doing stuff with old guys at the park to buy
more drugs, thinking that I just hadn't found the right one yet. My parents
were the ones to force me to change things because I couldn't do it on my
own.
     "Now when I need someone `cause I'm down, I call you or Dillon, or
find my dad, and we talk or go somewhere together, or else I play a game
with my brothers – anything to get my mind off of what I don't want it
to focus on. Dad often puts his arm around my shoulder and I found that we
can even talk about gay stuff. I'll bet he'd talk about anything to you
too. He prays for you every day, Alex. He's like always asking how you are,
and how things are going with your parents."
     "I don't have parents who give a rip like you do. I don't have a
brother anymore to go play a freakin' game with when I don't feel
happy. You can't possibly know what it's like to not be wanted by your own
mom just because she's disappointed you're not a girl. You sit there and
tell me all this crap about how God cares for me and wants me to
change. Why doesn't he just freakin' change me then if he wants me to be
different? You just don't have a clue about it."
     I'd rarely seen Phil angry before, but whatever I'd just said lit his
fuse.
     "Just because my mom didn't tell me I should have been a girl doesn't
mean I never feel rejected. You don't think it hurts when you find out your
mom lied to you about her anniversary so you didn't figure out that your
dad isn't really your dad? You don't think getting loaded onto a bus like a
prisoner and being shipped off to nowhere because you're an embarrassment
to your family isn't hard to take? Don't tell me about rejection."
     He was ticked that I thought his life was a piece of cake. At least my
mom didn't throw me out of the house when I told her I was gay like his
had.
     "What right do you have to think you're the only one in the world with
problems?"
     "Phil, your mom called a few minutes ago" My dad called up the stairs,
interrupting Phil's tirade. "She said to tell you to get home right
away. I'm going to bed, Alex, so quiet down up there."
     We both sat in silence while I occasionally opened another picture of
Eddie, stared at it for a while, and then deleted it. When the folder was
empty, I began staring at the desktop photo that was on the screen when
Phil got here more than five hours ago.
     "So long Lover Boy," I said as I erased the desktop photo. Phil's
going off like he had was like a hard slap to my face, and had awoken me
from my pity party. It was like seeing the last photo floating away had
closed the book on my past. For some strange reason, I felt much better
than I had since reading Eddie's email that morning. Phil looked at me like
he was suddenly worried again.
     "I'm sorry, man. I shouldn't have gone off like that. Forgive me,
okay?"
     "Whatever"
     Grabbing the bottle of pills from my desk drawer, my voice sounding
almost jovial, I asked "You done preaching now? It's been real." I
surprised myself by how I had now decided to toy with my best friend.
     "I'm sorry, Alex... I didn't' mean..."
     "Why be sorry for trying to help me? You mind if I give you a hug –
as a friend, I mean?"
     Phil hugged me like he was afraid to let me go, until I pushed him
away and left the room. He looked panicky as I walked to the bathroom. I
saw his eyes dart toward the stairway as if trying to decide whether or not
to call for help. Standing in front of the washbowl, I look up from the
pile of pills in my hand and into the mirror in front of me. Glancing in
the mirror, I saw Phil intently watching from the doorway.
     His eyes were pleading with me as I open the faucet and let the water
run cold. What he couldn't know, is that his presence in my bedroom, and
the words that he spoke to me tonight had, at least for now, derailed my
self-destructive thought train. Because of him, or maybe it was the love
that he says his God gives to anyone who asks for it, had stirred up hope
in my heart. Maybe his God is real, and he only sent Phil to be my angel. I
think I am beginning to at least grasp the unconditional love message that
he has been trying to tell me since his simple `hey' shook my world last
September.
     Instead of reaching for a cup, I look Phil in the eyes through mirror
and dumped the pills into the sink washing them down the drain, and out of
my life. Phil's face lights up at the realization of what I am doing, as if
someone had thrown a light switch. For some reason, his smile makes me
think back to the day that I sucked face with Eddie in homeroom to let
everyone know that I was not ashamed of being gay, remembering Samantha
Gerhart saying, "Why are all the really cute ones gay?"
     I'm glad... no make that, I'm thankful Phil came over tonight, and
that he's happy with his life. Single handedly – well, unless you
believe in God, that is – he calmed the storm that tried to swallow me
today. Even though I still feel a little sad, the giant waves of grief seem
to have stopped pounding on me. For the life of me, I still can't
understand why this cute gay guy with so much love to give, is convinced
that he should live a straight life. I wonder to myself if the path that I
chose will always chew me up and spit me out in a puddle on the floor while
an endless line of exes happily move on to greener pastures.  How's that
fair? Maybe my sex-ed teacher was right about not jumping into bed with
someone before you get to know them well enough to build a relationship
with them.
     Thinking about the life ahead of me, it still seems so overwhelming.
     Just then I remembered how Phil always says being gay is a choice. I
don't agree with him on that, and I don't think he actually believes it
himself. What I do see though, is that there are certain choices gay people
have to make about how they live their life, just like everyone else in
this messed up world. I chose to allay my natural desire by seeking
relationship through romance and got burned a few times. His choice is to
set aside his natural desire for guys by immersing every part of his life
in Christianity. While he hasn't gotten burned by other people, he
definitely doesn't get to live without his share of struggles. The thought
welled up from somewhere inside of me that maybe there's a place in this
world for both, and I found myself praying for the first time in my life.
     "Dear God, I know I've never spoken to you before, but if you'll help
me make some good choices in the future, I promise to do things differently
the next time around."

     The End