Date: Thu, 31 May 2012 10:21:14 -0700 (PDT)
From: Tyler Adams <tyleradamsbooks@yahoo.com>
Subject: The Paths We Chose ch 4

     The more time Phil and I spend hangin' together, the more I like
him. I mean I don't like everything about him. For one thing he can't ever
talk about anything without trying to make like God has something to say
about it. I mean like everything! I know it must be important to him and
all, but it kind of makes me nervous for some reason. The other thing that
bugs me sometimes is that one minute I'm sure he's gay because of some of
the things he says, and then the next minute he's telling me that being gay
is something a person chooses. I don't know where he got his info, but I
definitely didn't choose to be queer. So that makes me think he's
definitely not gay because no one that's gay would say something like that.
     Last night after I climbed into bed was one of those times when it was
like Daryl was lying next to me. I know I was probably only talking to him
in my imagination, but when I told him how Phil nearly decapitated me
because I thought he was looking at some guy wipe his face with his pulled
up tee shirt, it was like I heard him tell me "dude." That's what he always
use to say to me when he thought something I was worried about was gonna
work out okay. It was almost like Daryl knew that I was wondering about
Phil and was telling me to go for it. Like maybe all the talk about God and
choices was just a smoke screen so people wouldn't get down on him at his
church.
     My thoughts drifted back to Phil looking at that guy this afternoon,
and the more I thought about it, the more wide awake I became. When mom
stuck her head in my room to make sure that my computer was turned off for
the night, I faked being asleep. Then, after she went back downstairs to
her and dad's bedroom, I got up, held my pillow over it to muffle the beep,
and booted up to feed my imagination by googling redhead guys.
     After being disappointed by what I saw --or rather what I didn't
see-- and twice having to fight some Trojan to keep it from taking over
my web browser, I decided I'd better shut down for the night. Usually I
only check my email once or twice a week, as I didn't really have any
friends who bothered to write, but I decided to check tonight. Phil had
asked for my e-dress on Monday, and I was kind of hoping he'd send
something to me. There was a new email from "freedguy." That's the name I
couldn't remember when I got home that day. I had tried sending a message
to "fredguy", wondering why he would use the name "fred" in his address but
it bounced. I was too embarrassed to ask him again.

     Hey there, Alex
     You sure do some crazy stuff when we're at the park. I haven't had so
much fun or busted a gut so often in like forever. That thing you tried to
do today -- I forget what you called it. For real, dude, is that actually
a jump or were you just making that up? Anyway, it was pretty
entertaining. Can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve for
tomorrow. I'm gonna have to come up with something on my own too, so you
don't start thinking I'm a total poser.
     Hangin' with you has changed me so much. Even my mom says it's like
the first time she's seen me smile so much in years. Anyway, I just want
you to know that when I knocked you down this afternoon, and you joked that
I was checkin out that guy, I was like so embarrassed you said that, that I
couldn't think what to tell you. Well I don't think I explained it right
because I certainly don't want you to think I actually was checking the guy
out like that or something cause I'm definitely not gay. Thing is, there's
this guy I used to know from church, so I was looking to see if it was
him. Last time I talked to him, he said he was a Christian, but then he
said he's still gay which I can't see how that would be possible on account
of what I've heard at church. I mean, don't take what I'm telling you the
wrong way; it's not like I have anything against someone for believing that
they're gay, it's just that I think God expects us to make the right choice
when it comes to stuff like that if we're gonna say we're a Christian. That
probably doesn't make a lot of sense to you cause you never told me that
you're a Christian anyway, so I know you probably don't believe the same
way I do about God and stuff. I just needed to tell you this because even
though I believe it's wrong to be gay, God says we're supposed to hate the
sin and love the sinner, so I guess it's not really a big deal anyway if
someone is gay.
     Later,
     Phil
     PS: It wasn't the guy I thought it was.

     I really didn't know what to think about his email. I hadn't seen Phil
coming at me until the last minute, but I know what I saw. ...and from the
way he was looking at that guy, I'd say Phil is definitely probably gay. I
also was wondering why he would be so freaked out about what I was thinking
if he was totally straight. Why would he have even thought I might be
thinking that in the first place? Anyway that's what I had on my mind when
I finally went to sleep.
     Next morning, I made my way back to where Phil and I usually sat, took
a seat, and began to think about the email again. This morning I woke up
with a sick feeling in my gut that Phil might have sent that email last
night to trap me. He probably at least must suspect something about me
since I'm the one that brought up the subject in the first place. He also
must have picked up that I was thinking he might be at least curious about
it or he wouldn't have specifically written that he wasn't.
     A pencil eraser thrown at Jessica whatever-her-name-is, sitting two
seats in front of me, bounced off my ear, snapping me out of my deep
thoughts for a moment, but I just couldn't stop thinking about it. Why
exactly did he tell me that he thought being gay was wrong? If, like Phil
claims, God created everyone, then why would it be wrong if they happen to
be gay? I mean, I know what he says, but it's not like a person can chose
not to be who they are. At least it doesn't seem to work like that for
me. Every time I see some couple making out in the hallway at school, it's
definitely not the girl I'm thinking about. I don't even want to think
about spending the rest of my life with some woman just because some people
think that's what I should do.
     Then another thought hit me. What if he's just playing the religious
act to keep his parents off his back? I mean, he already let it slip that
they'd shipped him to a military camp to make him do what they wanted. He
even told me they put an Internet filter on his computer to keep him from
looking at porn. Maybe all that religious stuff about how everyone needs
help to do the right things is his way of coping with over-protective
parents.
     I tried, but I couldn't really convince myself that Phil didn't
believe all that stuff he wrote about in his email. But didn't he pay
attention in Health and Sexuality class? Hadn't he heard Mr. Arnett tell us
how it's only our own prejudices and preferences that determine if
something is right or wrong when it comes to choosing a partner? I mean, I
can understand if straight guys are grossed out when they think about two
guys doing certain stuff, but that certainly doesn't make it wrong.
     All the words and mixed signals that Phil had sent me yesterday had me
completely baffled so I decided that I'd better cool it for a while until I
could find out more about him.

     Phil interrupted my thoughts as he picked my backpack off the seat and
dropped it in my lap.
     "Ooof"
     "Hey, man, how'd ya sleep last night?"
     "Okay. Why?" I asked, irrationally fearing that he somehow knew what I
had been doing online before I read his email.
     "Because you look like a train wreck." He laughed at me as he gave my
head a shove. "Your hair's like sticking straight out on the one side. Did
ya get the email I sent you?"
     I shrugged my shoulder and cocked my head slightly, then reached up to
try to force the curls that were being unruly to lie down.
     "Guess what? Our family's plans for the weekend fell through. I can go
to the park after school today. You in?"
     "Maybe"
     "What d'ya mean, maybe? Come on, man. We'll have a blast. I want to
try something I saw a guy do on TV last night."
     "I don't know" I told him, but inside I did know --I was suddenly
afraid that if he actually believed that being gay was wrong, and if he
figured out for sure that that's what I was, he would not only "hate the
sin," but also "hate the sinner." I'm not exactly sure what the phrase
means, but I'm pretty sure at best it meant dropping me as a friend, and at
worst, doing his Christian duty of threatening to out me at school so I'd
be forced to change --at least on the outside, that is. Maybe I should be
the one to make the first move. After all, I can't choose not to be who I
am, but I can choose to not hang with homophobes, if that's what he turns
out to be.

     Of all mornings for him to do it, why did that guy I saw in the
cafeteria after the Jason thing have to pick today? It was the guy who had
locked eyes with me after my egomaniac neighbor had gotten in my face. He
was standing across the hall from my locker watching me like a hawk. It
kind of freaked me out at first because other than figuring it probably had
something to do with what Jason had said, I had no idea why he was standing
there staring at me. I looked to see if Phil was still at his locker and
saw him kind of glaring across the hallway at him. Glancing back at the
guy, I saw that he didn't seem fazed by Phil. He just kind of smiled at
him, cocked his head, and looked back to me. I quickly looked back into my
locker, but not before locking eyes with him and noticing his eyebrows
wriggle up and down.
     I don't know what makes a person react certain ways to things, but him
doing that made my face heat up and my heart start racing. I looked around
again and felt my skin was even getting clammy. He was now right behind me
and had the cutest smile on his thin lips. I wondered if this is what a
deer must feel like when a car's headlights lock up his muscles.
     "Hey," he said softly as I remained frozen in place. I couldn't keep
myself from looking into his eyes again. There was something different
about them. I couldn't tell what it was, so I looked a little longer this
time, hoping he didn't notice. They were like sparkling, or something;
almost amber but with little sparkles of gold, and haloed with a dark
ring...and he had the coolest long eyelashes. He maybe wasn't the hottest
looking guy at school, shorter than me and a little overweight, but his
dark maroon oiled ringlets, and those sparking hazel brown eyes where
definitely enough to capture my full attention.
     I looked over to see if Phil was still there, hoping that he had
gone. Great, I thought to myself, he had his head down and looked like he
was praying or something. B-U-S-T-E-D!
     Before I looked back to the guy, who was now practically standing
against me, I saw Phil's eyes open. He looked like he wanted to say
something to me, but instead he just turned and headed toward the
classroom.
     "You're Alex, right?"
     "Who wants to know?" I asked.
     "That you boyfriend?" he asked in a whisper, as he nodded toward Phil.
     Irrationally thinking that if Phil heard me, it would undo what he had
just witnessed; I dropped the f-bomb and snapped "Jason doesn't know squat
about me." Phil did turn his head slightly, like he heard me say it, but he
kept going through the doorway.
     "That the guy in the cafeteria Jason?"
     "He's my neighbor. He's always walking around outside his house with
practically nothing on, and flexing his muscles like he wants everyone to
notice how hard his body is. He's a jerk," I defended myself.
     "You lucky dog," he quickly replied, his smile widening.
     He caught me by surprise on that one. "If you think I can fix you up
with him, guess again," I snapped, feeling the wind leaving my sails.
     "With that egomaniac? You're the one who should guess again."
     Was he hitting on me? I felt almost dizzy. "What's that supposed to
mean?" I asked testing the waters a bit.
     "I saw something in your eyes the other day in the cafeteria."
     I wrinkled my brow and wondered what exactly he had seen.
     "You ever hear of gaydar?"
     I had no idea what he meant, but I was getting more nervous by the
moment. "No," I timidly answered.
     "I've been checking you out ever since I saw you the other day. You
definitely seem to appreciate our own species."
     "What's that supposed to mean?"
     "It means that even if you aren't out, you definitely enjoy looking at
prime beef."
     His words scared me. If I was that obvious to a complete stranger,
then I must be even more so to guys like Phil. The guy in front of me must
have seen my face turn white.
     "Hey, hot stuff, don't worry. It's a special gift that only queer
people have. If a guy's not a little bent at the wrist, then there's no way
he'd notice."
     Okay, now it was getting freaky. I turned toward homeroom wondering if
the reason Phil noticed me noticing this guy was because he had "gaydar"
too.
     Sliding in front of me, the guy took one more shot at shaking me
loose. "Look, I just thought that if what that guy, Jason, said was true,
then maybe we could get together sometime and see what happens."
     He stood there looking for my reaction, then without another word,
stepped aside and walked off leaving me stunned. Was this guy actually
serious? Was I that obvious?
      I watched him walk away, and as he turned the corner, he looked
straight at me with those incredible eyes, which caused my racing heart to
skip another beat.

     "Alex, do you know that guy?" Phil wanted to know as I dove for my
homeroom seat before role was taken and I was marked late.
     "What's it to you? He was just some guy who wanted to ask me about
something."
     Phil just sat there like he was waiting for me to say more. For some
reason, that ticked me off. Who'd he think he was anyway, my mom?
     "He was in the cafeteria the day Jason Jenkins got on my case and just
wanted to ask me about what happened. He's probably on the school newspaper
staff."
     Phil leaned across the aisle and was now practically talking into my
ear.
     "Alex, he was like totally checking you out in the hallway." I felt my
face turning red because he seemed almost excited for me.
     Talk about me being confused. Yesterday he sent me that email telling
me a person has to make choices that don't include guys having a boyfriend,
and now he's sounding, and looking I might add, like it's perfectly normal
for some guy to hit on another guy. What's with that?
     "You jealous or something?" I ripped off, not knowing what else to
say.
     "Are you crazy?" he asked beating a hasty retreat to his own seat.
     I realized, too late, that maybe he was just testing me or something,
and that I may have just outed myself. Then again, if what that guy said
was true, why was Phil so aware of what the guy was actually doing out
there?
     Phil was saved by the bell. We had one class and lunch together, but
neither of us brought up this morning's discussion.
     By the time classes had ended for the day, and after Phil hadn't said
a word to me about what had happened that morning, I decided maybe it was
safe to go skateboarding with him after school.
     We had lots of laughs at the park that afternoon before we headed to
his house for supper. The "move" he wanted to show me was called the Indy
Grab, and was one that Daryl had pretty much perfected. Phil tried again
and again but never once landed it. He did however manage to somehow drive
his kneepad into his eye as he fell once, and the result was the beginning
of a pretty nice shiner.
     Reaching Phil's house, we walked into the kitchen.
     "Hi boys, wash up for... Phillip, what on earth happened to you?"
     Phil lightly poked my ribs with his elbow to get my attention.
     "Alex got mad at me because I'm a better skateboarder than he is, and
decked me."
     It was pretty obvious that she wasn't buying his story, so he
continued "...or... maybe it was when I fell at the top of the pipe. It's
all kind of foggy" he said in a dramatic voice.
     She knew he was okay by the smile that we both had on our faces.
     "I wish you boys would find something safer to spend your time
doing. ...although it does help me to remember to pray for the both of you
more often than I might if I knew you were doing something less dangerous."
     I just didn't know what to think of the Johnson family. They were all
definitely religious, but they never seemed to make a big deal out of
it. It was like it was just some normal part of life. One moment they were
talking about doing the right thing or praying about something, and the
next moment they would be laughing about something totally absurd. It sure
kept me off balance, but it was kind of neat how they all did stuff
together, and even invited me to be part of it as if I was a member of the
family too.
     Phil caught me yet again looking his way while we were studying. He
kind of jokingly harrumphed, smiled and asked about Daryl.
     "You still think about your brother a lot don't you?"
     I grimaced and responded. "Yeah," I admitted. "Sometimes when I'm
lying in bed it's almost like I can talk to him. We were pretty tight."
     He asked me a lot of questions about what he was like, and what we did
together. I wiped tears from my eyes several times, but kept talking. I had
no idea why he was interested, and no idea why I wanted to tell him
everything about him.
     "He was the coolest kid I ever knew, Phil. Even if he had a date and
he saw me sitting there with nothing to do, he'd try to get me to think
about something good before he left. One time he even made me to come along
with him on his date. They were going to a movie that I wanted to see and
he told me he wasn't really interested in her so it wouldn't be bad if I
went along. I think she just about told him to get lost when she got to the
car and saw me sitting in the back seat. He was the nicest guy you could
imagine."
     I saw Phil wipe a tear from his eye and wondered why he was so wrapped
up in what I was saying.
     We talked until after eleven even though Phil's mom kept walking past
the door and pointing to her wristwatch. Once I saw him make a face at her
like "get lost, we're talking about something important."
     I started wishing Phil could just hold me in his arms as we talked. He
seemed so strong. I needed someone strong to hold me. I never got that at
home. If only...
     "Dude it's getting really late. Do you mind if I pray for you before
you leave? I think my mom's about to blow a gasket."
     I wanted to be nice, but at the same time I wanted to tell him no. I
just wasn't into religion. I'm not really convinced that there's even
anyone out there listening to people when they think they're talking to
God. I mean if he was, then why did stuff like my brother Daryl dying even
happen?
     I guess I didn't explain my way of thinking quickly enough because
before I opened my mouth, he had already begun.
     "Father, God," he started, "Thank you for bringing Alex into my
life. I pray that you keep us safe when we do that stupid stuff we try to
do when we're skateboarding. I also ask, Father God, that you help Alex to
feel loved and acceptance since Daryl isn't there for him anymore. Also,
Father God, help us to choose to do the things that honor you and steer our
thoughts back to the right path when we mess up and start to think about
things we shouldn't. Bless Alex's family and help them to know that you
love them even if they can't understand why his brother died. I ask these
things in your name. Amen."