Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2013 11:03:57 -0700
From: B.E. Kelley <hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Peace Within Chapter 2

This story is a work of FICTION. The events described are my own invention.
Any similarities to actual events or persons are strictly coincidental. The
author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original story.
You may not publish it or any part of it without my explicit authorization.

This story contains depictions of consensual sexual acts between teenage
males.  It is intended for mature audiences only.  If you find this type of
material offensive or if you are under the legal age to read said material;
please proceed no further.

Comments are always welcome at: hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com

Chapter 2

When I was a little boy and I got scared, I used to go and hide under the
piano.  It's in a secluded corner of the family room, there's a heater vent
there and I would take my blanky, lie down and fall asleep in the warm,
soothing, darkness.  When I woke up, all would be well.  That's where mom
found me when she came home, sitting under the piano with my knees up to my
chest, rocking back and forth, wishing that I could wake up and everything
would be ok.

Mom was leading her regular Thursday morning seminar on symbolism in
poetry, when the department secretary came running into the room.  Nancy
Partridge gave mom a brief report on what she'd seen on the news and a few
minutes later, mom was peeling out of the university parking lot.  When
Patton and I inherited the Volvo, mom got herself a Porsche 911, we all
thought that was funny because she always drove a few miles under the speed
limit.  She made up for it that day by taking New Haven's ancient streets
like a Formula One driver, shifting with one hand, steering with the other
and desperately trying to reach dad with her cell phone pinched between her
ear and shoulder.

"Dr. Westergaard's office, this is Leslie, how may I help you?"

"Leslie it's Andrea, I need to speak to Erik immediately, it's an
emergency," said mom.

"Hold please."

Leslie found dad in the exam room, giving a post tonsillectomy check up to
a 9 year old.  She explained that mom was on the phone and that there was
some sort of emergency, he excused himself and picked up the receiver in
his back office.

"Andrea?"

"Erik, something has happened at the boy's school," said Mom.

"Patrick or the twins? Are the boy's ok?" asked dad, noting the timber of
mom's voice.

"The high school, there's been some kind of explosion, the police are there
now, there's been some shooting," said mom.

"Where are Parker and Patton?" said dad, forgetting that I'd stayed home.

"Parker stayed home, remember, Patton's at school and I can't get either of
them on their cell's," said mom.

"I'm leaving the office now, I'll meet you at the high school," said dad.

"Erik, what if..." mom began.

"Don't think about that, he's going to be fine," said dad.

Mom and dad pulled up to Shelton High at almost the same time.  Before they
could get out of their cars, a police officer with an M-16 and a
bulletproof vest, directed them down the block to Evergreen Middle School.
Frustrated, they turned around and sped down the block.  When they got to
Evergreen, they found police officers trying to corral parents and shell
shocked Shelton students who had been evacuated.  A spokesman for the
police informed the parents that there had been an explosion at Shelton
High School, followed by reports of gunfire.  When police arrived on the
scene, the perpetrators, believed to be students, fired on them and
barricaded themselves in the library.  There were casualties, how many and
who they were, was not yet known.  Police evacuated as many students as
they safely could, but there were still classrooms they were unable to
reach, with students trapped inside.

The evacuated students had given their names to officers at Evergreen,
after the briefing, police began to match students with the parents who had
arrived.  The first thing mom and dad did was check the list for Patton's
name, he wasn't on it.  Both of them were far calmer then they thought
possible, when asked about it later, dad would say they were running on
pure adrenaline.  They agreed that dad would remain at Evergreen, so that
he would be there for Patton when he was evacuated and so that he could
help provide emergency medical attention to the wounded.  Mom would go to
the elementary school to pick up Patrick, then take him home and check on
me, before she returned to sit in vigil with dad.

"Parker! Parker where are you!" mom shouted, when she and Patrick came into
the house.

I didn't answer her, I couldn't make my mouth move, I sat under the piano
and kept rocking back and forth.

"Patrick run upstairs and see if Parker's in his room."

"Ok mom!" Patrick exclaimed, he was excited, he didn't fully understand
what was going on, he was just trying to be helpful in an emergency.

"Parker, honey, where are you?" mom shouted again.

A minute later, I heard Patrick running down the stairs.

"He wasn't in his room," Patrick reported.

"Ok, help me look around the house," mom instructed.

I heard them calling my name but I couldn't move, I rocked back and forth.

"Hey, what are you doing under there?" asked Patrick, when he stuck his
head under the piano and found me.

I didn't answer him, I rocked back and forth.

"Mom, he's in here!" Patrick shouted.

I heard moms footsteps, they slowed when she entered the family room.

"Where is he?" asked mom.

"Under there," said Patrick, and I knew he was pointing under the piano.

Mom got down on her knees and started trying to coax me out.

"Parker, come on out of there," said mom.

Rocking, back and forth.

"Honey, did you see the news?"

Back and forth, back and forth.

"Damn it, Parker, we don't have time for this," said mom, growing
frustrated.

She tried to touch my shoulder but I pulled away.  I hadn't fallen asleep
yet, I couldn't come out, everything wasn't better.

"Parker, I'm going to count to 5, then I want you out of there," said mom,
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5."

When she got to five, mom grabbed my ankle and yanked as hard as she could,
I was wearing flannel pajama bottoms and my butt slid easily on the
hardwood floor. Mom pulled me out but I grabbed on to the piano leg and
held on for dear life, I was screaming and carrying on like a maniac, until
she got me loose and enfolded me in her arms.  She rocked me and stroked my
hair while she tried to calm me down.

"I know, Parker, I know, I'm scared too but everything is going to be
fine," said mom.

"M-m-mom" I stuttered," P-P-Patton..."

"He's going to be ok sweetheart, you'll see, he's probably being evacuated
now," said mom.

"I-I-I," I spluttered, I couldn't form any more words.

"Parker, everything is going to be all right, you'll see.  I don't want to
leave you but I have to get back to Evergreen and wait with dad, I promise
we'll call you the minute we know anything, ok?"

I nodded my head, her words gave me comfort, maybe there was hope, maybe I
was confused, maybe mommy could make it all better.  Mom helped me over to
the couch and sat me down, I folded my arms over my chest and hugged myself
tightly.  I heard mom talking to Patrick, I think my behavior frightened
him because he wasn't answering her, he must have just been nodding his
head.  She told him to watch me and call her if I flipped out again, then I
heard her pick up her keys from the kitchen counter and a few seconds
later, the Porsche roared out of the garage.  Patrick came back to the
family room, he stood in front of me for a moment, his cheeks stained with
tears.

"Parker I..." Patrick began, but I grabbed him and pulled him down on the
couch with me.  I hugged him tight and he hugged me back.  "It's ok, I'm
scared too."

I kept my mouth shut and rocked my baby brother in my arms.  I wanted to
hold out hope, I wanted mom to be right, I wanted Patton to come home with
my parents.  In my heart I knew the truth but I couldn't be the one to tell
my parents their son was dead, to tell Patrick that his favorite big
brother was never coming home, couldn't force myself to believe that life
as I knew it was over.

Mom got back to Evergreen as quickly as she could.  She had to pick her way
through the parking lot, some cars were stopped in the middle of the road,
as if the parents had leapt out and raced to get to their kids.  There
weren't as many students now, those that had been previously evacuated had
mostly been reunited with their families and sent home.  She found dad,
took his hand and waited.  The waiting was interminable, you couldn't help
but think the worst and the police weren't helping, they were keeping tight
lipped about the entire situation.

Mom got a hold of my sister, Whitney, and told her what was happening,
which she didn't need to do, Shelton High was on every news station in
America.  Whitney left Aiden with her in-laws, then got on a train for
Wallingford, she wanted to be with me and Patrick while we waited for mom
and dad to bring Patton home.  It was 3 o'clock when her train arrived,
this time dad left mom to wait in the cafeteria while he drove Whitney
home.  I was still sitting on the couch, hugging myself, when they walked
in the door. I heard them talking to Patrick but it all just sounded like
noise to me.  I barely moved when Whitney hugged me.  Dad said something I
didn't quite register, then he kissed me on the top of my head and headed
back to the middle school.

While dad was taking care of Whitney and checking on me and Patrick, a
police official took to the stage in the cafeteria, where the parents were
gathered.  He said that it had been an hour since any shots had been fired,
SWAT had entered the building and cleared the library. The remaining
students were being evacuated but it was slow going because the suspects
had left several booby-traps and the bomb squad was clearing them as they
went.  It was believed that the shooters were dead, they'd taken their own
lives.  A spring of hope rose up among the gathered parents, the rest of
the students were reunited with their families and when dad returned, there
were a lot fewer cars in the parking lot.  When dad walked back into the
cafeteria, he found mom sitting alone in a corner, there were maybe two
dozen parents left.

"How are you holding up?" asked dad.

"The coroner was here a few minutes ago, he asked us for dental records and
had us fill out paperwork describing what the kids were wearing, if they
had drivers licenses or any piercings, tattoos or birthmarks. I told them
that he has black hair and blue eyes and that he was wearing his varsity
jacket with his name on it this morning..." said mom, then it became too
much and she broke down in dad's arms.

"You mean he's..." dad began but the words caught in his throat.

"Oh God, my baby, my baby," mom cried.

They sat there for hours, mom and dad both crying until they couldn't cry
anymore, they were just numb.  It was almost midnight when the district
attorney took to the stage to make an announcement.

"I know this must be pure hell for you, I have teenagers of my own and I
can't imagine how difficult this must be. For safety reasons, I ordered the
building to be secured for the night, and sent the investigators home.
We'll resume the identification of the remains tomorrow morning at 6:00am,"
said the DA.

"Like hell you will," said one of the mothers, "That's my son in there, you
can't just leave him there."

"If it was up to me we'd work through the night, but a small bomb went off
20 minutes ago while the bomb squad was clearing one of the classrooms.  I
don't want to make this tragedy any worse than it already is because of
fatigue," the DA explained, "this has been a long day, peoples nerves are
shot, I just don't want anyone else to get hurt."

"Please, I need to get to my daughter," said a weeping father.

"Sir, I understand your desire but the school is a crime scene, evidence
has to be collected and labeled, procedures have to be followed.  The
victims have to be identified and autopsied before we can release them to
their families and..." he continued.

"We don't give a rats ass about evidence and procedures, we care about
getting our kids out of there, and don't give me any of that bullshit about
you've got kids too, your kids are safe at home not lying in a cold
school..." said a father, before he broke down into uncontrolled sobs.

"I'm not going anywhere until I see my son's body," said one of the
mothers.

"We have 16 bodies in the library, as soon as the coroner is sure we have
positive ID's on all of them, we'll release the names to you first, then
the media," said the DA.

"My Daughter isn't a body," a woman replied, in a disembodied voice.

"Sixteen huh?" said an angry dad, "that include the little mother fuckers
that did this?"

"It does," replied the DA, "for the moment I would advise all of you to
avoid talking to the media, it might not be in your best interests.  That
said, you're all welcome to stay her and the volunteers will do their best
to make you comfortable, but my suggestion is that you go home.  We won't
be releasing any more information until the morning, go home, say some
prayers if you're so inclined, hug your families and try to get some rest.
I promise you that, that every person working on this investigation is
treating your children as if they were our own."

"Take me home," said Mom, I need to see Parker and Patrick and Whitney, I
need to see my babies."

It was after midnight when mom and dad walked in the door.  Whitney was
watching the news, they'd been reporting for hours that the suspected
shooters were two students, Derek Carter and his friend, Ron Warner.  I'd
completely blanked out when I heard those names, it was all my fault.

Patrick was sleeping beside our sister and I was sitting exactly as I had
been all day, I couldn't move. Patrick woke when he heard the door open and
he and Whitney ran out to the foyer to hug Patton and tell him how worried
they'd been, but he wasn't there.  The looks on mom and dad's faces told my
siblings everything they needed to know.

"Oh my God," said Whitney, she raised her hand to her mouth to stifle her
sobs.

"No!" Patrick shouted, as dad reached out to hold him.

I heard my parents try and comfort my brother and sister, heard them all
crying, but I just sat there.

"Where's Parker?" asked mom, when the crying was under control.

"He's still in the family room," Whitney sniffled, "I tried to feed him
some dinner but he wouldn't eat."

"Whitney honey, would you take Patrick upstairs and put him to bed?" asked
Dad, "we need to talk to your brother."

"Ok," she replied.

"He's not dead, he can't be dead," Patrick whined as Whitney led him
upstairs.

I heard my parents footsteps on the hardwood floor, felt them sit on the
couch next to me.  My dad put his hand on my shoulder and my mom tilted my
face towards hers.  Mom brushed the hair off of my forehead and traced my
face with her fingertips, she caressed my cheek and looked into my eyes.
There was pain in her eyes, Patton was dead, her baby was gone, but there I
sat, his face on my body.

"Parker, I don't know how to say this but Patton, he, he's not going to be
coming home..." dad started, then broke into sobs.

Mom sobbed too and I couldn't take it.  I got up without a word, climbed
the stairs to my room by rote, then got into bed and pulled the covers over
my head.

"Please just let me fall asleep, it'll all be ok in the morning, please
God, please," I pleaded.

When I woke up the next morning and saw bright sunlight filling my room, I
just knew that it had all been a dream.  I leapt out of bed and ran across
the hall to Patton's room.  Of course he wasn't there, his bed was still
made, the shades were still drawn, the room felt cold.  I stood there,
remembering the events of the day before, and hung my head.  I stood there
for a long time, stood there until my dad came in and put his arm around
me.

"Hey," said dad.

"Hey," I replied.

"How are you holding up?" he asked.

"He's really gone, isn't he?"

"I'm afraid he is," Dad sniffled.

"I just want him to come home dad, I just want him to come home," I cried
and hugged my father.

"I know baby, I know," dad replied, holding me tight and rubbing up and
down my back.

Dad guided me back to my room and put me back to bed.  He said that the
best thing I could do right now was rest, that I'd need my strength in the
days ahead.  I wasn't sure what that meant but I heeded his advice, when I
was asleep, I didn't have to feel anything.  I know what you're thinking,
you're wondering why I didn't tell him about Patton's call, the answer is
simple, guilt.  This was all my fault, if I'd been at school that morning,
I'd have been in the library, not Patton.  I couldn't bear to tell my
parents that simple truth, or tell them that Patton might still be alive if
he hadn't looked like me.

I'd been so rude to Derek Carter the night before the shooting, I didn't
mean to be, I was tired and sick and I wanted to go home but there it was.
I stood there in my black and blue varsity jacket, I treated him like shit
and he pegged me as just another jock asshole.  I'd heard on the news the
night before that Carter and Warner had specifically targeted jocks.  Derek
Carter walked into that library intent on killing and what did he find, he
found me, the asshole from the drug store and blew me away.  Only it wasn't
me, it was my sweet, kind, caring twin brother who was everyone's friend,
who never hurt anyone, who was just happy and full of life and who paid the
ultimate price for sharing my face.

I knew it was Carter that killed Patton, I'd recognized his voice.  He saw
someone who he thought was me, he raised his shotgun, pulled the trigger
and then he laughed, he laughed!  I'll never forget that laugh, it'll haunt
me for the rest of my life, along with thoughts of what might have been if
only I'd gone to school that morning.  I fell asleep blaming myself for
Patton's death, it was a guilt I knew I'd carry for the rest of my life,
I'd never be ok again.

While I slept, mom and dad drove back to Evergreen.  The DA was there and
as he'd promised, he had a list of all the names of the victims.

"I'm going to read the list, then pass out copies to each of you," said the
DA, "Kyle Williams, Marion Wright, Jessica Sharp, Brandon Myers, Stanly
Abrams, Herb Gunner, Patton Westergaard, Tyler Peel, Alicia Johnson, Juan
Sanchez, Leroy Clark, Beth Martinez, James Andrews, Charlie Baxter, Derek
Carter, and Ron Warner.  The coroner's office will make arrangements to
release the bodies to whatever funeral homes you wish."

That was it, what we already knew, now had the force of official
proclamation, my twin brother was dead.  Mom and dad held each other and
cried with the rest of the gathered parents, then they started back towards
the car.  They were about to get into dads Range Rover when something down
the street caught his eye.  A makeshift memorial had been started in front
of the main gate, there were candles and pictures of the victims, people
were bringing stuffed animals and flowers.  Dad took moms hand and walked
the block, where they encountered students, teachers, friends and family of
the victims, people who had seen the tragedy unfold on television and just
wanted to show their sympathy.  Mom and dad stood there with tears running
down their cheeks.  Dad took out his wallet and pulled a picture of Patton
from it. It was taken a few weeks ago, he was in his baseball uniform, his
young, confident face beaming with his ever present smile.  Dad took the
picture and pinned it to the wall between photos of sophomore Juan Sanchez
and basketball Coach Herb Gunner.

"It's awful, isn't it Dr. Westergaard?"

Dad turned to find a young man in a baseball cap and UConn hoodie, whipping
his eyes on his sleeve.  The young man was familiar but dad couldn't put a
name to the face.

"You don't recognize me, huh?" he asked.

Dad took in the young man's red hair and brown eyes, examined his face, he
knew he should remember him but for the life of him, he couldn't think of a
name.

"I'm sorry, I..." said dad.

"Jamie, Jamie Ryan, you were my pediatrician," Jamie explained.

"Jamie, of course, I remember you now," said dad, "Yeah it's pretty awful."

"Are you just here to support the families or..." Jamie trailed off,
somewhat embarrassed by the question he'd posed.

"Our son, Patton," said mom, pointing to the picture dad had attached to
the fence.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I didn't mean to be insensitive," Jamie
apologized.

"It's alright," said dad, "we're still getting used to the idea ourselves."

"I can't imagine what you must be feeling," said Jamie.

"It's tough, we're very concerned about our son, Parker, he and Patton were
twins," said dad.

"Are twins," mom corrected, dad put his arm around her shoulder and gave
her a squeeze.

"Yeah, that's going to be really rough on him," Jamie agreed.

Mom and dad just nodded their heads.

"Listen I hope this doesn't sound to forward but I graduated from UConn
last year, I'm the youth pastor at Wallingford First Methodist now.  I
talked to one of my professors, who does clinical work in psychology when
she's not teaching, we're putting together a grief counseling session.
There are going to be counselors and experts on post-traumatic stress,
maybe if you brought your boy..." Jamie started.

"That's kind of you but I'm not so sure..." said dad, but mom cut him off.

"What time and where?" asked mom.

"It's tomorrow at 6:00pm at First Methodist," said Jamie.

"Honey I don't know if Parker's up for that," said Dad.

"No Erik, he's probably not but he's going to need help, we all need help,"
said mom.

"Here's my card," said Jamie, handing it over, "it's ok if you can't make
it tomorrow night but if Parker ever needs to talk, I'm available, no
pressure."

"Thank you, that's most kind," said dad, taking the card.

"Anytime, and I'm sorry about your loss, I'll pray for you and your
family," said Jamie, as he made to leave.

"Do you think they're evil?" asked mom.

"I'm sorry ma'am?" asked Jamie, turning back to her.

"The boys who did this, do you think they're evil?"

"They were sick Mrs. Westergaard, psychopathic or more likely sociopathic,
I'm not really qualified to diagnose them.  As far as them being evil,"
said Jamie, letting out a sigh, "I don't know what to think."